Sunday

Birds were singing outside unfamiliar windows when Jim finally woke.
For a moment, he couldn't work out where he was, but then he
remembered and he looked over and found Blair beside him, one hand up
near his face, mouth slightly open, fast asleep. Checking first to
make sure the slumber was truly deep, Jim leaned over and brushed his
lips across the pale forehead. Then, carefully and quietly, he
slipped off the bed, making sure all the while that Blair hadn't
woken. He got out into the lounge unscathed, glanced around and
ducked into the bathroom. When he was done, he checked on Blair once
more but the younger man was still asleep.

For a long moment, Jim just stood there and watched him. He was
beautiful like this. Warm and fuzzy and soft. His hair falling across
the pillow, his mouth slightly open, his face at peace. Nothing like
the hell-raiser he could be when awake. Jim had always liked waking
up to feel Blair beside him. It had somehow made the rest of the day
start out right.

Silently, he pulled the door closed and turned to face the terrible
mess. He started with the kitchen then moved to the lounge, filling
bags with days' old rubbish and broken furnishings. After he'd taken
them all downstairs, he worked on the bathroom then set about
studying the contents of the fridge. Blair might refuse to eat - but
Jim was ravenous. There wasn't much to be had however and for a
moment, he contemplated going out to pick up a few things - but he
didn't want to be gone when Blair woke up, so he rummaged in the
cupboards and found some flour, eggs and milk and proceeded to whip
up some pancakes. He found a basket of blueberries in the bottom of
the fridge that didn't look too bad, put on some coffee and ate as he
cooked.

"Jim?"

He glanced up in surprise to find Blair standing before him, hair
askew, eyes puffy from sleep. A compact package of misery and joy and
Jim couldn't help but smile. "How're you doing, Chief?"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I cleaned up a little. Here, have some coffee." Jim poured out a
mug and pressed it into Blair's hands and steered him to the small
round table. Within a few minutes, he set a plate down, full of
pancakes and looking not a little tasty even if he did say so
himself.

Blair just stared at it.

"Go on, it won't bite you."

"These blueberries are a week old," Blair murmured, his voice still
waking up.

"Well, I just ate them and they're fine. Go ahead."

Like a man in shock, Blair nodded feebly, picked up his fork and put
some food into his mouth, chewing automatically. His gaze flickered
to Jim and to his plate, back and forth until half of it was gone.
Then he took a huge guzzle of coffee and Jim could see the world
taking shape again. Eventually Blair looked up, sat back and said,
"What's going on?"

"Nothing. Just looking after you like you've done for me more times
than I can remember."

"Oh." Blair got up from the table and wandered around the lounge.
"You took all the stuff out?"

"Yeah."

"Couldn't stand the mess, eh?"

"Didn't want you waking up to it."

"Why not?"

"Too messy."

"Oh."

Silence then as Blair wandered to the window, glanced out, frowned at
the sunshine then looked at the clock. Almost four in the afternoon.
He turned back to the couch, sank into it and pulled a cushion onto
his lap and almost cuddled it.

Jim was not so much an idiot he couldn't read basic body language. He
knew what he had to do, just wasn't sure he knew how to do it. So he
settled on instincts and trusted that his subconscious would warn him
if he was going to make a mistake. It was time it made itself useful.
"Blair?"

"Mmn?"

"It's not your fault."

"Uh huh." Blair was staring at the wall, paying no attention to Jim
at all. So Jim got up, came across the room and sat on the other end
of the couch.

"It's not your fault."

"It is." The whisper wouldn't have been heard by normal ears. "All my
fault. You said so. I know it."

"Okay," Jim kept to the thin thread his instincts were guiding him
with. "Why is it your fault?"

"Didn't understand. Didn't listen. Didn't notice. Didn't work hard
enough. Didn't stick around."

"Did you try?"

"Yes."

"But it didn't work?"

"No."

"So it's your fault it didn't work."

"Yes."

"If you'd tried harder, would it have worked?"

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"Yes… maybe."

"Maybe? Even if you'd tried twice as hard? Ten times as hard?"

"Maybe."

"And would you feel any different if it still hadn't worked?"

"Dunno."

"Could you have tried any harder?"

The answer was a long time coming but Jim didn't insist.

"Don't know. But I should have."

"Why?"

"Because I loved you."

Jim took his moment as he heard those words for the first time. Then,
keeping tight hold on those instincts, he let them guide him just as
this man had done for the last three and a half years. "Do you think
I tried?"

"Sure."

"Hard?"

"Yes."

"As hard as I could?"

"Suppose so."

"Could I have tried harder?"

"I don't know."

"If I had, do you think it would have worked?" No answer. Jim
continued, "If we'd both tried harder, do you think we might still be
together?"

Blair's eyes lifted at that, but didn't look at Jim. But he could see
they were filled with tears which dropped lightly onto Blair's
beautiful face. "Yes," he breathed, more movement than sound.

"Then," Jim steeled himself, hoping to god his instincts were right
about this. "It's can't be all your fault. Some of it has to be mine,
doesn't it?

"I… don't know."

"Do you think that maybe if we try hard we can get back together?
Stay together?"

"But I'm leaving Cascade. You said I was going. Been offered a job.
No reason to stay here any longer."

"I love you, Blair." Blair shuddered slightly - so Jim said it again.
"I love you."

Now Blair was struggling, struggling to get out of the freeze his
body was in - but Jim could do not more to help him. "But you said…
and I had to leave. It's all such a mess. Can't do this."

Jim held out his hand, only the ends of his fingertips touching
Blair's arm. "Blair, do you want to go on feeling this bad?"

A vigorous shake of the head.

"Then stay. Come back to me. Help me make it work. Let's make it work
together."

"I…"

"Go on."

"I want to."

"But?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of… of ruining it all again. Like before."

"You won't. You've learned. I've learned."

"Still scared."

"Of what?"

Blair became quite still then and Jim held his breath until the words
finally came out. "Of you."

The instincts hadn't warned about any of this! Taken completely
aback, Jim could say nothing. But then Blair finally turned and
looked at him, eyes wide, tears stopped, fearful, ready to run but
equally ready to stay. He nodded slightly and added, "It scared me,
Jim. Really scared me. Feeling like that. About anyone. So strong, so
hard. I felt that way about you and when you started to push me away
I started to get really scared. Afraid that I would never feel that
for anyone again. Afraid that you would never feel that for me."

Jim somehow knew that wasn't the last of it. "And?"

"And," Blair pulled in a swift breath, his courage shining through at
the last, "afraid that you would."

"Why?" Shocked to his core, Jim could only ask that one question.

"Because if you did, if you loved me… then I wouldn't ever be able to
leave you."

Stunned, Jim couldn't speak.

Blair went on, "You were right. I didn't want to go but there was a
part of me that felt it needed to be able to. Needed to know I could
have my freedom when I needed it. I needed an escape hatch. But
things got so intense so quickly and neither of us were talking about
love and somehow that made it okay for me to want to get out."

"You think loving me - me loving you would have trapped you?"

Blair shrugged, more animation coming to his face as each moment went
by, "Yeah, I guess I did. That's why I didn't notice what we were
building up to - because I didn't want to acknowledge it. Didn't want
to think I'd feel that way and get myself locked in. And you made it
so easy, Jim, pushing me away, giving me reasons to hate you, to get
away from you. But," he paused, swallowing, glancing down at his
hands. "Then you said you loved me and I knew I'd ruined it all. That
it could have been great if only I'd not been afraid."

"Blair," Jim tried to breathe to loosen the tightness in his chest.
"I don't want you to go. I want you to stay. I love you. I need you.
But I don't want you living in a prison. I want you to be happy and
if that means you have to have your freedom, then, I guess I'll have
to live with it."

Blair frowned at that. "You'd let me go?"

"If I have to, yes." Jim came forward a little, not touching Blair
but just being close. "Love should never be a prison with chains and
bars. I'd never want to do that to you and see you wilt and die. I
love you for what you are, just the way you are. I know that sounds
like some dumb song but it's true. If you have to have your freedom,
then I won't keep you here."

In a tiny voice, Blair asked, "And if I don't?"

"Then I'll hold you and love you for as long as you let me."

"Jim?" A small smile captured Blair's eyes and made Jim want to cry.
"Are you sure you're not a mind-reader?"

"Positive. Why?"

A tiny shake of his head and Blair reached up and touched his face,
cool fingers on his cheek, across his lips. Jim wanted to move but he
didn't dare. Blair shifted closer, leaned in and brushed his lips
across Jim's. Then his hands came up and around Jim's neck and the
kiss deepened, making Jim groan with the release of it. He let his
arms wrap around the compact body and pull the other man close. He
breathed in the scent, dwelled in it, swam in it, and breathed it out
again.

Blair was laughing softly into his ear. "You're sniffing me, big
guy."

"Yeah," Jim smiled. "Isn't it great?"

"I need a shower."

"Why? What I'm getting here is pure, unadulterated Blair Sandburg."

"And perhaps a little too pure." Blair kissed him again, blowing away
any objections Jim might have to just about anything and all Jim
could do was kiss him back and hold him tight. Then Blair pulled back
to gaze into Jim's eyes. Jim could see large weighty thoughts scatter
across that amazing mind but he kept his silence. "Would you wait
here? Let me wash and change? I can't remember how long I've been
wearing these clothes - but it's been a few days at least. Would you
mind waiting?"

"Sure."

"Good. It's just that, I think we need to talk some more and I want
to do it before I change my mind."

"Do you think that's likely?"

"No. But I want to. Okay?"

"Okay. I'll put some more coffee on."

*

Blair closed the bathroom door but didn't do anything for a moment.
Instead, he found himself staring at the image in the mirror, the one
looking back at him with vaguely haunted eyes, a stubble of beard and
hair that was in serious trouble. He must have stood there a long
time because Jim's voice came to him, asking if he was okay, that he
hadn't heard the shower going. Blair called back that he was fine and
began stripping his clothes off. He shaved as the shower ran, getting
hot. Then he stepped in, washing his hair, soaping himself down
without really thinking about anything at all. Then the water started
to run cold and he rinsed off, climbed out and dried himself. That
was when he realised he'd forgotten to bring fresh clothes in. Come
to think of it, did he actually have any?

Concentrating now, he dried his hair, brushed it, cleaned his teeth.
Then, wishing he didn't have to, he wrapped a clean towel around his
waist and opened the bathroom door. Jim was sitting by the window and
glanced around immediately. With some trepidation and not a little
frisson of fear, Blair felt Jim's gaze sweep up and down him, noting
how little of him the towel hid.

What would the man say if Blair just asked him to go to bed? Now?
There were so many things that could be said in the act of love that
could never be spoken; a whole language buried in touch and
sensation, feeling and giving. And yes, taking. Verbalising without
words. The aching need inside Blair was almost painful - but he knew
he couldn't ask - and he knew Jim wouldn't.

He moved to step out of the bathroom - and noticed a small pile of
neatly folded and ironed clothes placed where he was about to put his
feet. Bending down, his heart was caught by the thoughtfulness of the
offering and he ducked back in, closing the door, before Jim could
see just what that little thing had done to Blair.

He dressed quickly in the first clean clothes his body had seen in a
week, checked his reflection once more with rigid determination, then
went out to join Jim. He stood there a moment, basking in the smile
the other man gave him and nodded. "Want to go for a walk before the
day's completely wasted?"

"Okay."

It was quite warm outside and Blair couldn’t help putting his head
back to feel the sun on his face. He couldn’t remember the last time
he'd done this and it felt good. Really good. Jim walked alongside
him, not talking, but there was nothing uncomfortable in the silence.
Blair left it until they'd gone three blocks and were almost at the
small park he liked to study in. Then he said the words he needed Jim
to hear. "I won't come back."

He could almost hear a jaw tightening - so he added quickly. "If I
leave, I won't come back. Ever. So," he risked a glance aside, "I'm
not leaving."

Jim's eyes widened, catching his just as they got to the corner. The
lights favoured them and they strode across. Only then did Jim stop
him with a hand on his arm. "Elaborate. But not too much."

Blair wanted to laugh at that - but settled for a semblance of a
smile. Seemed parts of his face hadn't quite woken from his long
sleep yet. "I mean, I'm staying. If you want me to -"

"I do."

"I'll stay then. But - "

"But?" Jim was wound tighter than a clock spring.

"But I think you were right the first time."

"Which first time?"

"The very first time - when you said maybe we should wait, take it
slowly. I think we don't have a choice any more. I need to learn this
relationship thing. We both have a few fears we need to be rid of.
Slow is our only option if we expect to have any success."

Laughter lit Jim's eyes and filled Blair with a warmth the sun could
never emulate. "Okay. And how slowly is that?"

"I'm not moving back into the loft."

Now pain filled those blue eyes and Blair turned and led him into the
park, towards the small brown pond in which a few ducks were bathing
themselves. Blair stuffed his hands into his pockets and waited for
Jim's reaction.

"You don't want us to be together?"

"I think we need to make sure we want to be together."

"I'm sure."

"Are you?"

"You're not."

Blair turned at that and found Jim watching him. "Are you sure, Jim?
Really sure you want me?"

"Sweetheart," Jim murmured, softly and with every ounce of conviction
Blair had ever heard, "I want you." He paused, his gaze keeping hold
of Blair's, "What do you want?"

"You," Blair breathed the certainty he'd tried so hard to avoid.

His response was a warm glow from Jim, three notches higher than
anything the sun could offer. "Good. That's good, Chief. Really,
really good."

Blair felt his eyes misting up and blinked a few times to clear them.
"Okay. Then we take it slowly and when it feels right, I'll move back
into the loft. But right now, I need to know I still have my
independence. I'm not going to leave so I don't want you worrying I
might. I just want to keep the door open a while longer, so I don't
panic that it might shut behind me when I'm not looking. Can you
understand that?"

"Yes, Blair, I can." Jim smiled and squeezed his arm. "And there's
the added bonus that I get to be right about something for a change."

With a chuckle, Blair shook his head, "Hey, big guy, you're right
about a lot of things. I just don't let on 'cause I'm supposed to be
the brains in this outfit, remember?"

"I'll never forget it again. So, can I ask you out? Can we see each
other?"

"We'd better."

"Good. Dinner tomorrow then?"

"Okay."

"But something relaxed, if it's okay with you."

"Anything with you is okay with me."

"Anything?"

"Yep."

"Right, now I'll have to think real hard just so I can keep you in
suspense."

"God, Jim," Blair burst out laughing, "You are such an ass!"

*

Two months later
Thursday

Blair paused before the handbasin and slowly washed his hands. He was
alone in the resturant bathroom now and he took the opportunity the
moment gave him. He'd had no time in the last few hours to really
absorb it all. Odd, how things can change in the beat of a heart.
Less than that. This morning, when he'd woken up, he'd been much as
he'd always been. And now - he was something more.

Odd indeed.

He dried his hands then leaned them on the smooth marble counter to
gaze steadily at the face he saw in the mirror. With his hair tied
back, his face was lit clearly and completely by the soft glow of
lights above and to the side. He was not dissatisfied with what he
saw. But it was still the same face he'd been seeing for years. There
was no discernable difference that he could make out. And yet, the
world would say that the man he was today was changed from the man
he'd been yesterday.

He grinned at himself and raised a hand to straighten his tie, pick a
piece of fluff from his expensive jacket - the one Jim had bought him
a few weeks ago. Despite the fact that he really didn't like formal
wear like this, he had a real soft spot for this jacket.

They'd gone shopping together, Jim determined to buy him something
quality for a change, something that would last a little longer than
the three years Blair usually got out of one cheap shirt after
another. So they'd spent hours in and out of menswear shops until Jim
had found him this jacket. He'd sent Blair into the changing room
with it, then calling out to see how it was, Jim had followed him in.
In the total privacy of the changing room, Jim had checked out the
cut of the jacket, then taken Blair into his arms and kissed him
solidly for five minutes and more.

Only the threat of needing to take the moment further had torn them
apart breathless. That and the fact that they knew the store security
would wonder what they were doing in there.

So Jim had paid for the jacket and now Blair wore it, staring at
himself in the mirror. For a moment, the smile stayed on his face -
but gradually it faded as his now-constant favourite worry reasserted
itself.

Things were good. No, they were great. The last two months with Jim
had been wonderful and at no point over that time did Blair ever
question how much Jim loved him. No, he was sure and comfortable and
secure in that love, delighting in it each day. It would have been
enough - should have been enough -

Except that Jim wouldn't sleep with him.

Not that Blair had mentioned it exactly. It wasn't really something
he felt he could put into words; the vague suspicion that things
weren't as good as he thought they were. Sure, they spent plenty of
time together, mostly at Blair's apartment - but also going out,
going away for the weekend - times during which Jim touched and
kissed and held Blair - but never taking it further.

Yes, he knew Jim loved him - but why wouldn't he make love to Blair?
Did he no longer feel any desire? Jim had said time and again that
Blair was beautiful and now Blair looked at his own face and began to
wonder. Had things been so pleasant because Jim was trying hard to
compensate? Was he looking for a way out, some means to say he wanted
only a platonic relationship?

A sliver of fear worked its way into him for a moment, before he
determinedly banished it. If a platonic relationship was what Jim
wanted, then Blair would live with it. Being loved by Jim was more
important that anything they could have in bed. It was just that,
being around the big guy got Blair so hot some times - now more than
ever. So many weeks of abstinence was wearing down on him -

Or perhaps Jim thought *he* wasn't interested any more…

An eyebrow raised itself at him and he grinned in return. Was that
it? That Jim's concerns were for him? That sounded much more like his
sentinel. Yeah, just like Jim.

Well, there was only one way to find out. With one last straightening
of his jacket, Blair turned and headed back out into the resturant,
his first gaze going to where Jim sat on the far side of the lounge,
piercing blue eyes seeking out his own. Blair had to smile. Some
days, the concept of love seemed to be written all over Jim's face -
and he was constantly surprised that people didn't walk up to him and
tell him so.

*

Jim sank back into the huge chair, took a mouthful of coffee and
tried to ignore the cigar smoke that was hopelessly drifting in his
direction. But the coffee was good, the meal had been spectacular and
of course, the company had been the absolute best.

He glanced around the large ornate room, noting the small groups of
post-dinner guests lounging in similar situations as himself, picking
up idle pieces of conversation without deliberately eavesdropping. He
smiled when he heard a comment directed at Blair as he wandered back
through the room after visiting the bathroom. Blair wouldn't have
heard the words about how wonderful he looked in his brilliant white
shirt, his dark suit jacket, his hair tied back. But Jim could see
the gazes following him, more than a couple a little wistfully.

Jim was tempted, for a moment, to stand as Blair reached him and give
him a sweet kiss before regaining his seat - just to mark him, in the
eyes of those watching, that he belonged to Jim Ellison. But the
temptation was fleeting because he knew he'd never be allowed in this
exclusive establishment again - and he had grown quite fond of it
over the last two months.

They'd eaten there four times now. Ever since Blair had admitted he
rather liked the place. Of course, Jim took him other places as well
- just as Blair took him to places he wouldn't normally try. They'd
been out more times together than Jim thought he'd ever been out with
anyone - not even Carolyn.

And, just like this place, he'd taken Blair back to that Mongolian
restaurant a few times, ever since that first night, two months ago,
when they'd officially decided they were back together again.
Happened over desert - and Jim had never tasted anything so sweet.

Blair arrived and took his seat opposite, lifted his cup quite
innocently and gazed steadily at Jim over the rim as he sipped. Then
he sat back, crossed his legs and did everything he could to look
like an elegant gentleman who belonged in a place like this.

Jim nearly choked on his coffee to stop himself laughing.

It was moments like this that helped him forget the torment that had
brought them here. Moments of exquisite joy, just looking at the
beautiful creature who sat across from him. The one all those envious
gazes were cast towards.

Yeah, going slowly had its rewards. In spades. It had allowed him to
find out about this man all over again, in small juicy pieces he
could savour, one at a time. And as they had gone out, date after
date, they had grown closer, spoken of things they'd never touched on
before, some of their pasts, some of their futures. And of course,
they'd talked about the things that had torn them apart in the first
place, the anger, the fear, the pleasure, the happiness. They'd
rediscovered why it was that they'd fallen in love, had traced back
far enough to understand where their feelings had changed and taken
delight in it all.

Not that there hadn't been any disagreements - but there'd been no
fights. No shouting. Just a dogged insistence on being heard, on
hearing and listening and in the last weeks, Jim had found himself
surprised to find that it seemed Blair did know a lot about how to
keep a relationship going, how to make it flourish.

Blair was still living at his apartment and although Jim wanted to
ask him to move in to the loft, he wasn't prepared to push the issue
just yet. Especially as so far, they were still not sleeping
together.

On quiet, dark nights alone in his bed, he allowed himself to worry
about that. Blair had never mentioned it, never hinted, never left
small messages in his conversation or body language that told Jim he
was ready to resume a physical relationship. Of course, they spent
plenty of time kissing, holding each other, a few nights in front of
the TV with a few beers and a bowl of popcorn - but it was always at
Blair's place and Jim always left before midnight - frustrated, but
content that he was doing the right thing for a change.

For some reason, Blair was avoiding the loft and although Jim knew it
held some bad memories for him, he was getting a little concerned
that things might not be going as well as he thought.

But tonight, he was determined not to think about it - for tonight
was something really special. Tonight they were celebrating because
today, Blair had received verbal notice that his dissertation had
been accepted. The official notice would take another few weeks to
come through and then Blair would be a Doctor, with a full graduation
ceremony at the end of spring term.

And along with the acceptance, Blair had received an offer for a
Chair at Rainier - at his age, an awesome achievement. With a little
humming and ahhing, Blair had accepted on the spot. He'd rung Jim
immediately to give him the good news and Jim had made the booking
here as a congratulations present. The message Blair had given him
would have been clear to a blind man. He really wasn't going to
leave. He was staying right here, in Cascade.

"Deep thoughts?" Blair said quietly, picking up his port.

"Yeah, I guess," Jim shrugged. It was hard having a private
conversation when he was sitting so far away from his guide, in a
room full of people. "Just thinking how proud I am of you."

Blair's smile lit his face like sunshine. "Really?"

"Sure. I mean, you're not even thirty. How many people are offered a
Chair at that age?"

"In anthropology, nobody. The only other ones I know of are Hawking
at Cambridge and others in the pure sciences going way back."

"Well, then." Jim smiled and decided it wouldn't hurt. "You know how
many people watched you cross the floor just now?"

"Why? Do I have something spilled on my suit?" Blair began checking
and Jim had to laugh.

"You really have no idea, do you?"

"About what?" Blair was really puzzled now.

"Just how devastating you look. Enough to make people forget all
about food."

Blair ducked his head but not before Jim caught the beginnings of a
blush. God, he'd made Blair Sandburg blush!

"Congratulations, sweetheart," Jim raised his glass, not giving a
damn who heard him. "I love you and I'm proud of you."

Blair gave a wicked chuckle, "And you're damned glad you don't have
to do any more of those awful tests."

"Exactly!"

"Ah, the way to a man's heart."

Jim drained his port and put the glass back on the small table. "I
think it's time I was getting you home. You do have to work tomorrow,
remember?"

"Sure - though to be honest, it feels kind of empty now I've finished
my dissertation. It won't really pick up again until after the summer
break. Then I'll have a full teaching load and then I'll regret it."

"No you won't," Jim insisted, steering him through the big doors to
the foyer. "You'll love it. You love teaching. Not to mention that as
a Professor, you'll be expected to do lots of independent research,
publish something else earth-shattering once every couple of years
and generally keep everyone else on their toes. I don't think they
have any idea what they've got themselves in for."

The warm night air caressed him like a soft glove and he took Blair's
hand in the darkness, walking towards the truck. It was lovely to be
able to touch him after an evening of only looking. Holding hands
like this had become one of his greatest pleasures - even if he could
only afford to do it in the darkness. They got into the truck and
headed back across town. Blair relaxed in his seat, his hand reaching
again for Jim's as they drove.

"Jim?" Blair asked after a moment.

"What?"

"Have you ever wondered what you would have done if you hadn't become
a cop?"

"I'm not sure I had a lot of choice. I mean, it kind of goes with the
sentinel thing, doesn't it?"

"Maybe - but did you want to do something else? Or did you leave the
army with the police force in mind?"

"It wasn't a direct transition, no, but Simon had a lot to do with
it. I was in a bad way back then and he really saved my skin."

"I guess you owe him a lot."

"Yeah, I do. He's been a good friend."

"So, what would you have done? If you had had a choice?"

Jim frowned, taking his time. "Not sure. I mean, I never had the
choice, you know, so I was never free to ponder it at the time."

"So you wouldn't have been say, a ballet dancer?"

Grinning, Jim glanced at him, "What, with these shoulders?"

"Hey, I love those shoulders. Don't pick on them."

"Whatever you say."

"What about a plumber?"

"Well, the shoulders would have been good for that - but sentinel
senses would have had a hard time with all those smells."

Blair chuckled, "Good point. What about a pilot?"

"You hate heights, Blair, so I would never have been able to take you
to work."

He was rewarded with a sweet smile. "I guess you would never have
been tempted into anthropology?"

"I had no idea what it was until I met you. Then for a goodly part of
the next two years, I wished I hadn't."

"And now?"

Jim smiled and squeezed Blair's hand, "Now I have you. My own private
anthropologist - and a Professor at that. Believe me, that's the best
way to round off an education."

Blair was still laughing when they pulled up outside his apartment.
Jim got out and followed Blair to his door. Blair got out his keys
and Jim put a hand on his shoulder, prepared to say goodnight. Blair
turned.

"Come up for coffee?"

It was late - and Blair really did have to work tomorrow - but this
was also his night, so Jim happily nodded and followed him up into
the lounge. Truth was, these days he just couldn't get enough of the
man.

The apartment looked really good now. Blair had replaced the broken
stuff and it had a really nice atmosphere. It didn't help Jim
however, to note that all the things that had made the loft look like
a real home were now arranged around this room.

Blair was busy in the kitchen and, trying not to look like he was
doing it, Jim watched him for a moment, seeing the light pick
highlights out of those soft curls, see the square set of the
shoulders, the careful hands as they worked. Blair was beautiful
enough to turn a dozen heads in a posh resturant - and he still made
Jim's blood pound.

Resisting the overwhelming temptation to throw the other man on the
table and ravish him without a word, Jim turned and took a seat on
the couch. Blair joined him, sitting close, letting Jim put his arms
around him. Blair snuggled in and Jim placed a kiss on the top of his
head, letting a finger wrap up a single long curl.

"I love you," Blair murmured softly, bringing a beautiful peace to
the evening.

"I love you, too." Jim replied.

"I don't know what I'd do without you. I mean, I know what I did -
but that was before. Now, I have no idea."

"Well, there's no reason for you ever to find out. Not unless you
want to."

"No, I'm here for good now. I have all I want. My doctorate, a great
job - and my man. The only way I'm leaving Cascade…"

"Is in a wooden box?"

Blair laughed gently, "Is if you go with me. I want you to know that,
Jim. I want you to know how much you mean to me. How much this means
to me. I know you think I find it easy to say what I feel but you
know, sometimes it is hard to come out with the deep stuff. I love
you so much sometimes it hurts."

"I know, baby." Jim pulled him closer and Blair lifted his head.
Their eyes met for a moment and then Jim kissed him, slow and deep
and Blair opened up to him, driving them down to lie on the couch.
The passion behind the kiss thrilled Jim and he went back for more,
entrapped by Blair's control, revelling in it, a slave to it.

He heard the coffee maker ping but Blair didn't move, having found a
comfortable position stretched out on Jim's chest, his hands idly
brushing over the fine cotton of his shirt. The very closeness of
Blair was giving Jim some serious difficulty. All his senses seemed
on hyper alert all of a sudden and the press of Blair across his
whole body was engendering in him a reaction he was having difficulty
controlling.

God, why was it that every time he held Blair these days, all he
could think about was making love to him? Why, every mouthful of food
Blair had consumed at dinner had Jim watching those lips, the throat
as he'd swallowed. Every shift of that expressive face had him
dreaming, every word voiced had him flying?

And now it was all happening again and now he was starting to get
worried that he might not be able to get himself to leave at
midnight. Blair's warmth encased him like a blanket of down, his
scent drove steamy images before him, blinding him, making him see.
All the fine hairs on his body had pricked up, as though they could
absorb every ounce of this wonderful bundle of laughter and light.
His heart pounded hard, his hands strove to roam and touch, his body
yearned to feel and give. He was stiff with want and need and all he
could do was take Blair in another kiss, a kiss which attempted to
communicate all that he wanted and needed and was afraid of
admitting.

Blair tasted so delicious, of coffee and port and something else he
now knew was wholly and completely Blair Sandburg. And he loved that
taste, felt himself become a part of it. His arms pressed Blair to
him, his hips moving without his volition to brush his errection
against Blair's hip. Now completely unable to help himself, he
groaned, buried his face in Blair's neck and whispered, "Want you so
much. Want to make love to you right now."

With a soft and deep-throated moan, Blair shifted against him, an
erotic caress that had Jim's senses reeling, "Oh, yes, Jim please!"

"Yes?" Jim's heart did a sharp flutter.

"Thought you'd never ask." Blair sighed, his own voice laden with
want and need, sending Jim's hot blood coursing through his veins.
But before he could say anything, Blair posessed his mouth, driving
his tongue deep and leaving Jim in no doubt at all what he really
wanted. Taste again assailed him, touch too as that velvet tongue
rasped against his own, delved deep inside him, marked him as
Blair's.

Soon, too soon, the kiss ended, leaving Jim teetering on the edge of
insanity. Grasping for purchase, he murmured, "You were waiting for
me to ask?"

Blair began work on Jim's throat, nipping sharp and soft, his hands
plucking at shirt buttons. "You seemed worried about it so I
thought…"

"But, I was waiting for you."

"Don't wait any longer, big guy. Please. Have to have you." Blair
slipped a hand inside Jim's shirt, fingers seeking and finding a
nipple which his tongue soon discovered. "I am so not capable of
lasting another night without you. Too many already. Some nights just
couldn't sleep at all. Then I…"

Jim stiffened as his shirt was spread wide open for Blair gain
greater access. Words were becoming a real trial now. "What?"

"Laid in bed thinking about you and…"

"And?" Wanting, needing to hear the words.

"Touching myself, imagining you there with me." The mouth then sank
onto his other nipple, sucking hard and Jim groaned, arching up into
that touch. He wanted desperately to tell Blair of the nights he'd
spent doing exactly the same thing - but the press of Blair on his
body, the things his mouth was doing were too much.

He grabbed Blair, tore the jacket off and dragged him up for another
searing kiss. Blair began to move on him, rubbing their cocks
together and Jim knew that if he didn't do something soon, they'd
make a mess of their good clothes. Quickly, he pulled Blair's shirt
from his trousers and Blair lifted up long enough for Jim to get it
over his head. Then he got his hands between them, feeling the rock
hardness of Blair's cock between his fingers. He fumbled with belt
buckle and zipper and boxers until finally, he had a hard needy shaft
in his hands.

Blair thrust and bit Jim's neck at the same time. "Oh, god, Jim!"

"Chief," Jim grunted. "Clothes. Off. Now!"

And Blair was suddenly stripping until he was naked, then stripping
Jim and touching him and pulling him close and there was nothing soft
or gentle about any of it and it all drove Jim wild.

He ended up sitting back on the couch, Blair straddling him as their
cocks brushed together, their lips locked, blood pounded, rushing
forward, grinding them against each other. Jim's hands snatched
Blair's arse as Blair, sweaty and reeking pheremones, gripped their
cocks and rocked against Jim.

"Please, Jim," Blair groaned.

"Too close, baby," Jim didn't even stop to wonder that he knew
exactly what Blair was asking for. He was too busy sucking on the
pierced nipple, biting hard and harsh, thrusting against Blair,
violently, almost brutally. With a fierce cry, he grabbed Blair to
him and felt his balls clench, his blood rise and then he was coming
and Blair was coming and they were gasping and thrusting until they
had nothing left and everything left and they fell together in a
heaving, mindless  heap of flesh and bone and muscle and liquid love.

Gradually getting his breathing to steady, Jim pulled Blair down on
the couch alongside him, trapped against the back. It was a little
cramped - but he was going to complain? He took one soft kiss after
another, each a gift that melted him completely.

Blair snuggled in and Jim allowed himself another deep lungful of his
favourite scent.

"You're sniffing me again." He could hear the smile in Blair's voice.

"Are you telling me you don't like it?"

"Actually, that's not the problem. It never has been."

"Then what is?" Jim did it again and felt Blair's laughter against
him.

"Hey, man, you just have no idea how it turns me on when you do
that."

Jim grinned with a weird delight. "And that's a problem because…"

Now Blair laughed, "God, I love you, Jim. I really do. I mean, if I
didn't love you, I would just have to, you know?"

"No, but I'll believe you." Blair chuckled a little longer and then
settled quietly, leaving Jim to bury his face in the curls he loved
so much. "I love you, Blair."

"I know, Jim. I think that's why."

"Now you really aren't making sense - but some weird part of me seems
to think you should. More information."

"Why you were worried about us making love again."

"I wasn't worried, exactly, I just…" Jim met those blue eyes, kind of
shrugged, and said, "Maybe I was. You did say slowly."

"Call that *slow*?"

"Well, not the slowest I've ever done it." Jim replied, trying hard
to stop himself from smirking. "I suppose I *could* go slower - if
you wanted."

But Blair was grinning, "The dating, Jim, not the sex. The sex was
delicious." And to back up his words, he snuggled in closer, brushing
sensitive parts of himself over sensitive parts of Jim, forcing Jim
to respond in kind.

Yeah, it had been way too long. But worth the wait? Dumb question.
Really, really dumb.

Jim let his tongue reach out and touch a cool earlobe, "Chief?"

"Uh huh?"

"I want you to think about something. Take your time. Just think
about it."

"What?"

"Would you please move in with me?"

"Okay."

Jim could have played dumb and asked for a repeat of this astonishing
answer - but who would believe a sentinel couldn't hear one word
whispered fervently all of three inches from his own hypersensitive
ear? "Blair! I said, think about it, okay?"

"I have and I will." Blair's voice was firm and full of many things
Jim had never heard before - but had longed for.

"You'll what?"

"Move into the loft with you."

Jim moved back to better see the look on Blair's face - but he knew
he, himself was grinning like a prize idiot. "When?"

"How about Sunday?"

"Not tomorrow?"

"Have to work."

"That's right." But Jim didn't mind. Not when Blair looked at him
like that, his smile a beacon in the darkness, his eyes something Jim
could happily lose himself in and not ever go looking for a way out.
"Okay, Sunday." And sealed it with another kiss.

After a moment, he spoke again, "There's just one thing."

"What?"

"I'm thinking about another move we could do right now that would
take much less effort."

"What's that?"

"Into the bedroom? I'm gonna fall off this thing in a minute."

His reward - if it could be called that - was to have Blair clamber
over the top of him in his haste to get to the bedroom, not minding
which parts of his sentinel he trod upon in the process. A little
bruised and battered, Jim got up and followed him - to find the bed
full of a terribly warm and inviting anthropologist - and instantly
forgot all about his trials and tribulations.

Languidly, he stretched out on top of Blair, allowing his tongue to
discover all sorts of nice things along that neck, things he hadn't
tasted in so long. "You are beautiful, Blair. I don't know why it
took me so long to get around to telling you. I always thought it.
Even before I fell in love with you. I saw the way the girls looked
at you - so I looked myself and even then, I thought, hey, he really
is beautiful."

Blair half-laughed, "I'm glad you, the shining Adonis, thinks so. I'd
hate for people to see us together and pity you the poor little runt
you got stuck with."

Jim was on a journey of rediscovery, his hands and tongue lightly
caressing over Blair's torso, remembering, wanting and needing all
over again. "Only a complete idiot would think something like that -
and I'd smack him in the face for it and cop the disciplinary
action."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Blair," Jim paused, looking up to gaze steadily into those open
trusting eyes. "I'd do anything for you."

Blair smiled, "Okay, but no thumping, right?"

"Unless absolutely necessary."

"Life or death only, Jim, promise me."

"Promise."

Jim returned his attention to the nipple he loved so much, threaded
with silver. A single lick of his tongue brought it up hard and ripe
for nibbling. He continued south, dipping in to taste the navel as
his hands drifted lower, fingering the soft hair he found. Blair
shifted his legs to give Jim greater access. With an almost careless
gesture, Jim let his hand drift over the growing shaft, across the
balls and down further until he found the small pucker. He pressed a
fingertip against it, felt it give willingly to the pressure while
Blair spread his legs further apart. His stomach twisting with barely
contained excitement, Jim exerted a little more pressure and the
finger slipped inside the tight opening. His finger was unlubricated
so Jim proceded carefully, feeling slowly and gently but knowing all
the while every gasp Blair made was a silent cry for more. He glanced
up to find Blair pressing a tube into his hand. Quickly he spread the
gel over his fingers and returned to the warm place between Blair's
legs. He pushed in two fingers this time and Blair moaned loud.

Deliberately and firmly, Jim fucked Blair with his fingers, taking
joy from watching the flittering sensations ripple over Blair's skin,
how his hips pressed down, wanting more. A smile on his face now, Jim
brushed over the prostate. Blair shivered under his touch. Jim
withdrew his fingers, almost laughing with delight - and Blair
noticed. With a smile of his own, he sprang, pushing Jim down onto
the bed and beginning his own journey. Jim was powerless to stop him
as his body was assulted by a hot seeking tongue, demanding hands,
lips that could seduce a monk and eyes blazing a passion Jim knew was
reflected in his own. And when that mouth engulfed him he almost
forgot what day it was, where he was - even his name. Blair pushed a
finger into him and he lurched up off the bed. His hands locked into
yielding curls and he knew he was almost whimpering. Nobody else had
ever had this effect on him- and he loved it. Loved the feeling,
loved the closeness, the giving. Loved the man.

Blair brought him to the edge twice then backed off, kneeling between
Jim's legs for a moment, his hands caressing inner thighs. For a long
moment, he simply watched Jim and Jim was prepared to wait.

Then, his voice low and husky with desire, Blair murmured, "Do
something for me, Jim?"

"Anything."

"Fuck me?"

Jim watched Blair through a haze of want. "Yes."

Blair smiled, his hands still stroking softly, deliberately teasing.
"Do something else for me?"

"Sure. What?"

"Marry me."

Jim nearly fell off the bed. His head jerked up so fast he gave
himself whiplash. "What?"

Blair was smiling that slightly afraid and slightly vulnerable smile
Jim loved so much. He reached out and ran his hands along Jim's
stomach, his voice suitably soft and subdued. "Will you marry me?"

"But…" Jim could hardly form a sentence he was so shocked. "But… I
thought you didn't want…"

The blue gaze grew cloudy, "You didn't answer."

Jim sat up and faced Blair, taking a hand and holding it between his
own. "I want you to listen to me very carefully."

Blair's eyes were grave and serious. "Okay."

Swallowing, Jim tried to slow his pounding heart, but failed
completely. "We've come a long way and we're doing great, right?"

"Yes."

"And on Sunday, you're moving back into the loft, right?"

"Yes."

"Well… what happened to you wanting to keep that door open? So you
could keep some independence?"

For a second, there was no reaction. Then the smallest, slowest smile
spread across Blair's face. "What independence?"

Jim couldn't form any response beyond a puzzled frown so Blair
continued. "Love, do you think I haven't thought long and hard about
this? I have, every day for the last two months, wondering where we
were going with this, with us. I know you wanted a life-long
commitment from me -"

"But…"

"But when you saw how scared I was, you did the opposite and gave me
my freedom. So I had this freedom and I had you both at the same time
and you know what? Freedom is overrated. You, on the other hand, are
not."

"I don't believe that."

"Well, you should." Blair paused and brushed hair away from his face.
"You have no idea how powerful a gift you gave me setting me free.
Since then, every single day you have so proved to me that you meant
it. Even your determination to keep out of my bed until you thought
we were ready was a really big message."

"But…"

"Please, love, let me finish. I told you that I was afraid that if
you loved me, I'd never be able to leave you." Blair paused again,
his eyes lifting and holding Jim's gaze steadily, unafraid, "What I
didn't see then was that, if you loved me - I wouldn't ever want to
leave you."

When he didn't continue, Jim spoke, "That still sounds like a prison
to me."

Blair shrugged and smiled, "No, Jim, it's not a prison at all. Quite
the opposite. Love - love the way we have it, can never be a prison.
It's taken me two months to see that even though it's been in front
of me every day. I know I'm slow on this relationship learning curve,
but I'm not that blind."

Still, Jim wasn't convinced - and his frown showed it. Blair sighed
and moved closer, pushing Jim back onto the bed and lying on top of
him. "Don't you see, Jim," Blair whispered. "with you, I have all the
freedom I need. I'm sick of pretending that I can leave you any day.
Sick of pretending that I'm independent of you. I'm not. I need you,
plain and simple. I need you in my life, every single day because
without you, I'm in a real prison. I'm not me. I'm some homeless
creature looking for somewhere to put down, to land for a few years
before taking off again to look for the one thing I really want."

"God, Blair!" Jim brushed a kiss of his forehead. "I was just scared
that you were boxing yourself in, that you were asking because you
thought that's all I wanted."

"Jim," Blair said firmly, "I know this is going to come as a
surprise, but I don't do everything simply because you want me to.
Believe me, I want this. I want you. For the rest of my life. So,
will you marry me?"

"Are you really sure you want this?" Jim voiced, breathless.

"Yes. Are you?"

Jim nodded. "I was all along."

"Really? All that time you knew?"

With a shrug, Jim hid a smile, "Sure - in between the parts when I
didn't."

"Then… is that a yes?"

"Yes, it is," Jim replied in an instant, all his doubts gone.

"Yes?" Blair's eyes widened, a flash of delighted disbelief. "Really,
man?"

"Really," Jim smiled, falling in love all over again. "I never
thought you'd ask. But…"

"Oh," Blair waved a hand in dismissal, grabbing Jim for a fierce
kiss. "We'll work out the technicalities later. I just wanted to ask,
you know? And to get an answer."

"I love you."

"You'd better - or I'll really be making an ass of myself when I
stand before the altar."

"Baby," Jim grinned, "you couldn't make an ass of yourself if you
tried. Believe me, it takes one to know one - and you just don't
qualify, okay?"

"Whatever you say, big guy." Blair nestled in close, letting his body
tell a story of its own. "Now I know you'll respect me in the morning
- I have to remind you that you made me another promise a few minutes
ago."

"Oh?" Jim murmured, feigning innocence. "Which one was that?"

In reply, Blair nipped his shoulder, "You promised to fuck me."

Jim groaned and kissed his love again, deeply and hungrily and then
the heat began to grow again and Jim did nothing to stop it. The
momentum gathered itself, absorbing them, tumbling them and making
them roll before the gale which swept them together. In the sweaty
urgency of their lovemaking, Jim poured all of himself into giving
and his reward was the love Blair gave back, the noises of pleasure,
the twisting and turning in ecstacy, the bundle of sheer delight
Blair became in Jim's arms. This time, he didn't take his guide.
Instead, Blair gave himself to Jim as he had in the beginning. Blair
sat astride him, impaling himself so they could hold each other,
taking Jim deep into himself, bringing them closer, their bodies,
hearts and minds. Jim touched him, kissed him, reveled in his unique
beauty, made him his own, marking him for life, leaving small bites
on chest and neck, receiving the same in kind, knowing he was equally
marked, as much on the inside as out. Each little pain was a gust to
the tempest, fuel to the furnace. A roaring blaze of determination
and discovery, of love and survival. Buried inside Blair's sweetness,
Jim moved on a flowing river of desire and passion, held Blair in his
arms and sped along with him to the wonderful, explosive, knowing
end. Together, they floated down in a haze of hard-earned peace,
remembering all the joy that was before them, not the pain they'd
chosen to leave behind.

And it was so beautiful, so sweet and so damned right, he found tears
falling down his face as he held Blair afterwards, found Blair's
tears answer his own and he knew, at last, they'd come home.
 

*

Epilogue
Five months later.

"Bloody hell!"

Blair glanced up from the kitchen bench to find Jim struggling
through the loft door with far too many shopping bags in his arms. He
left his cooking and hurried over to help. "What's wrong?"

"I think I've broken something. The salad dressing. I can feel
something gooey seeping down my trousers."

Blair snickered and took a couple of bags, "Is that a salad dressing
in your shopping bag - or are you just *really* glad to see me?"

Jim's response was a snatched kiss that felt a little like a bite.
Still giggling, Blair took the bags into the kitchen, opening them up
at random to see what was inside. "What did you get?"

"Well, just about everything. Let's face it, we didn't do much
shopping the week before we left and what we picked up on the way
back from the airport won't be enough to feed the mice let alone
Simon."

"I did make a start," Blair pulled out the offending bottle of salad
dressing and held it up for Jim to see. "Not broken, but the lid's
come loose."

"Throw it. Don't know who loosened it or why."

"Doesn't matter, I'll make my own."

Jim nodded and proceeded to pack the groceries away, taking every
opportunity he could to snatch a kiss any time Blair got within three
feet of him - and in that kitchen, that amounted to quite a number.
In the end, Blair had to put his foot down. "Look, big guy, if you
don't let me get on with this, we'll still be necking when Simon gets
here. Now you need to go shower and change."

"Are you kicking me out of my own kitchen?"

"Too damned right, I am. Now go, shoo."

"So much for being on holiday, eh?" Jim put on his best hang-dog
expression and wandered away, shoulders slumped. The act changed the
moment he reached the bathroom. "Oh, hell!"

"What?"

"Where did this sand come from, Sandburg?"

"What sand?"

"This sand on the bathroom floor. I only mopped it this morning."

"Well, I unpacked the wash bags so I guess it must have come from
there."

"God, why is it when you spend a few days anywhere near a beach, you
bring half of it back with you?" Jim didn't wait for an answer. He
just went in and shut the door. His mumbled complaints were drowned
out a moment later by the shower spray.

Blair worked furiously in the kitchen, putting the rest of the
shopping away, chopping, slicing and shredding and washing up as he
went. This was their first real night home and he wanted to make it
special. Wanted to have a clear zone for some fun activities after
Simon went home. Last night they'd been too tired, got in too late to
do more than dump bags, shower and get into bed. Today had been spent
sleeping in, cleaning the loft, finding places for the few new
artefacts Blair had picked up, and then it was time to shop and cook.
Quick day, busy night.

He managed to pause long enough to stick a new CD in the player but
by then Jim was out of the shower and upstairs getting dressed. "God,
I haven't got anything clean to wear! I thought we did laundry before
we went away!"

"We did. You're just not looking hard enough." Blair called back.
"And if you think I'm coming up there to show you where your clean
clothes are then you've obviously got the wrong gender partner."

He was rewarded with a face grinning over the balcony at him, "Oh, I
don't think so."

"Get dressed! Simon will be here any minute and you haven't set the
table yet."

"Jesus, one order after another. Hen-pecked, that's what I am." Jim
continued to mumble and moan again as he got dressed, dried his hair
and came downstairs. "I warn you, Chief, the day you start nagging me
to put out the trash, I'm going to buy a pipe and retire into my
armchair."

Blair was having a lot of trouble not laughing at this constant
stream of mock complaints - but if Jim thought for one minute he was
even remotely funny, Blair would never hear the end of it.

Like a good lad, Jim set about laying the table with the kind of
precision only an ex-military man can accomplish. He'd just got the
wine un-corked when there was a knock at the door. Jim threw a glance
at Blair and went to open it. Blair had the steak and shrimp on by
then and could only throw a quick hello over his shoulder as Simon
came in.

"Mmn, something smells good."

"Thanks. You do like garlic, don't you?"

"If that's what I smell, then yes, I do. Well, you both look well.
How was the holiday?"

"Great. Beer?" Jim asked, steering Simon out of Blair's way and
towards the dining table.

"Thanks."

"Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

"Jim, you're still officially on holiday - at least until 0800
tomorrow, so you'll just have to wait and find out."

"Take your seats," Blair called, serving up as he spoke. The two men
sat on opposite sides of the table as Blair brought plates across,
placing one in front of each of them. He went back to get his own and
sat at the end of the table. Jim had poured wine by then and raised
his glass in a toast.

"To friendship." Blair smiled and Simon nodded. Then they got stuck
into their meal.

After the first couple of mouthfuls, Simon, speaking around his food,
raised his eyebrows at Blair. "Sandburg, this is really good! I mean,
I know you can cook, but this is really good!"

Blair grinned and raised his glass, "Actually, Captain," he
emphasised the word, "I think that since I cooked you dinner, the
protocol is that you call me by my first name. I think there's a
statute to that effect somewhere."

"Okay, okay - Blair." Simon tucked into his food again and for a
while, the conversation drifted around all sorts of things from the
weather while they'd been gone, to how the Jags had fared without
their two most important supporters. It was amazing how much could
happen in two weeks.

Blair had been sipping on beer for most of the afternoon and now the
wine was starting to make him feel very comfortable. As they finished
their meal, he sat back and let the evening wash over him.
Contentment had become a thing he was getting used to now - but that
didn't mean he allowed himself to not appreciate it every time it
came along.

"So," Simon took another swallow of his wine. "You haven't said much
about your holiday. Was Hawaii as good as I've heard?"

"Better." Jim replied, not looking at Blair - and for some vague
reason he couldn't pinpoint for a moment, Blair found that a trifling
unsettling. "Only it wasn't just a holiday."

Blair started, "Jim?"

"What?" Now he did turn, but his handsome face was swept of all
expression and Blair didn't know quite what to say.

"I… er…"

"No, Chief. There'll be hell to pay otherwise."

"But…"

"Look, just trust me on this will you?"

"What do you mean, there'll be hell to pay?"

"Please, trust me?"

And Blair said nothing else - largely because Simon chose that moment
to interrupt. "Look, what's going on here? I hate listening to
arguments I don't understand."

Jim kept his gaze on Blair a moment longer, then turned back to Simon
and poured out some more wine. "Hawaii was great. Lots of fabulous
beaches, lots of sun. We did a few hikes and to be honest, we weren't
sure we were ever going to come back."

Slightly mollified, Simon nodded - but Blair knew the satisfaction
wouldn't last long if Jim had his way. Belatedly, he tried once more,
"Jim, please, you don't…"

"Blair, I mean this in the best possible way - but will you please be
quiet. I know what I'm doing. Trust me."

"Okay." Blair found himself saying - but that didn't mean his stomach
liked the idea. He went to get up and clear the plates away ready for
desert - but Jim clamped his hand down on Blair's and forced him to
stay.

Simon, by now, had worked out that there was something being kept
from him - well, he was a police captain so obviously he wasn't that
thick. "Look, are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Again, Jim kept his gaze on Blair, hard for a moment, until a
softness appeared around his eyes, which gradually turned into the
kind of smile that would feed Blair for a week. God, where did the
man get a smile like that without a licence?

"It was a great holiday," Jim repeated, turning back to Simon but not
letting Blair's hand go. "But like I said, it wasn't just a holiday."

"Okay, I got that part. So did you do some private work while you
were there?"

"Private work?" A small laugh escaped Jim then and his grip on
Blair's hand relaxed a little. "Never heard it called that before. No
-"

Blair held his breath, terrified and excited both at the same time.

"No," Jim went on, blindly determined, straight into that tunnel with
the train coming down it. "Blair and I got married."

Simon froze for a second, then burst out laughing, "Oh, sure, very
funny!"

Jim just shook his head, keeping his voice level and serious. "Blair
and I got married half way up a mountain overlooking a beautiful bay
with the sun shining down on us and a few clouds blustering away in
the east. Exactly twelve days ago. Strictly speaking, until 0800
tomorrow, we're still on our honeymoon."

But Simon really wasn't buying it. He was shaking his head instead,
"You're right, Sandburg, Jim does have a weird sense of humour."

Blair tried, but failed, "Simon, really…"

And Jim took over. He grabbed Blair's left hand and slapped it on the
table in front of Simon, displaying the ring on his fourth finger, a
complex twist of silver and gold, a symbol of everything they'd been
though to get that far. Then Jim placed his own hand next to it,
showing his matching ring.

Simon stared at the hands, back at Jim, the rings - then at Blair.
Blair knew in that moment, that it was the expression on his own face
that made Simon believe.

"Shit!"

Jim let Blair's hand go and sat back, waiting. Silence reigned,
intense, horrible silence and Blair felt obligated to fill it.

"Simon, like man, we know it's a shock and everything but it was
just, you know, the thing and we didn't really plan to, you know,
man, like and…" He knew he was babbling. Jim knew it  - and the
surprising thing was, even Simon noticed.

"Sandburg, please be quiet."

"But…"

Now both of them turned. "Quiet!"

Blair shut up. He waited a moment, then stood, collected the plates
and took them into the kitchen. A quick glance over his shoulder
revealed two men sitting across the table from each other, both with
arms folded, staring each other down. Hell, who wanted to get in the
middle of that?
So Blair collected the bowls of desert from the fridge, puttered
around in the kitchen as long as he thought he could get away with
it, then headed back to the table. He put the bowls down, resumed his
seat and waited.

And waited.

Until Simon broke the moment. "Shit, I don't believe this!" He got up
from the table and walked straight out onto the balcony. He pulled
out a cigar and lit up, knowing full well Jim hated smoking even out
there. Blair stole a look at Jim to find him watching his friend. The
blue eyes were wary but determined, an expression Blair had learned
to know and love over the last year.

Keeping his voice low, Blair said, "Jim, are you sure this was such a
good idea? You never said anything…"

Jim only nodded. "Had to be done some time. Sorry, love."

Blair sighed. Of course, there was no use making an issue of it. It
was too late now. It was just ironic that Jim had finally decided to
do something Blair was no longer worried about. All the same, sitting
there, watching his partner, he couldn't help feeling a little warm
inside. He knew Jim hadn't done it entirely for him - but he had done
it for them. Perhaps in a strange way, Jim was reaching out for a bit
of freedom for both of them.

Out on the balcony, Simon abruptly stubbed out his cigar and turned
to come back inside - but he didn't sit at the table. He just stood
there and stared at them, shaking his head. "When?"

"When what?"

"When did all this happen between you?"

Jim folded his hands together on the table and kept his gaze on his
friend. Blair could see how difficult this was for him but he could
do nothing to help. "I suppose it began something close on a year
ago."

"Shit, Jim, I was about to congratulate you two on patching up
whatever differences you'd had earlier this year. Was that part of
it?"

"Yes. A big part of it. We had… a few problems."

"Please tell me it had something to do with suddenly finding out you
were gay."

"A little," Jim shrugged. "But the label doesn't really fit. I'm not
interested in men in general. Only in Blair."

At that, Simon shifted his gaze to Blair and frowned deeper. Blair
had to head the posse off at the pass - because the alternative was
too terrible to contemplate.

"Simon, Jim and I sort of just got together. Like it was supposed to
happen."

"You mean, Sentinel/Guide stuff?"

"Maybe, we don't really have any research to go on."

"We fell in love, Simon," Jim added, his voice low with warning.

It wasn't much, but it was enough for the other man. "Shit, Jim,
you're sitting there telling me that after a lifetime of chasing and
hell, even marrying women, you're now in a happy and stable -
permanent relationship with a… a… man?"

"Yes, Simon, that's exactly what I'm telling you."

Simon let out a big breath of air and came back to the table. He sank
into his chair and gazed at his desert like it had come all the way
from Mars. "Okay, I'm shocked. I'm not too proud to admit it. I'm
shocked - and disappointed."

Before Jim could react to this, Blair placed a cautioning hand over
Jim's and leaned forward, "Why disappointed, Simon?"

Simon's gaze drifted to where their hands were joined, but there were
no further expostulations. Just another sigh, "Because I suppose I
thought I was your friend and this is a hell of a way to find out. So
long after the fact. Because I guess if you were having problems, I
assumed you might feel comfortable enough to share those problems
with a friend. That, if possible, you might even want to have a
friend there, at the wedding. So shit, Blair, yes I am disappointed
and hurt so forgive me, alright?" He looked up then, his frown
deepening. "This kind of thing is a big step, you know? Really major.
I thought…"

"I'm sorry," Jim replied, softly but with meaning. "I am, Simon. But
your exclusion wasn't deliberate. If it makes you feel any better,
you're the first to know. We haven't even told Blair's mother yet -
or my father."

It appeared that that did make Simon feel better - if only a little.
"So, why shut me out at all?"

"Because," Jim took in a breath, glanced at Blair and turned his hand
over until they were actually linked properly, "that was part of the
problem. Telling you. Telling anyone. Blair and I were together
nearly three months the first time before the pressure split us up.
It took us almost three months to get back together, during which
Blair had moved out and I was a complete misery. By then it was too
late to tell you because there wasn't anything to tell you about. And
then, when we started to put it all back together, it was all too
fragile to talk about. I mean, for a long time, we really didn't know
if it was going to work."

"But it's been what, five months since Blair moved back in? I assume
that meant everything was good, right?"

"Great."

"So why not tell me then? Why no invitation to the party?"

"I think that was my fault, Simon," Blair murmured, his eyes on Jim.
Slowly Jim nodded and Blair continued. "I'm not sure but I don't
think Jim really thought it was real until I said I do, did you?"

Jim just smiled, "But you did."

"Yeah, I did." And Blair couldn't help himself; he leaned over and
gave Jim a brief kiss. Instantly he blushed and glanced an apology at
Simon. "Sorry, Captain, I didn't mean to…"

"Right!" Simon thumped the table with one hand, pointed in the air
with his extinguished cigar. "Let's get one thing absolutely straight
right here and now. Yes, I'm shocked and disappointed - but I figure
we've covered the disappointment part well enough. But as to being
shocked? I've known Jim for years and never once thought he was
interested in men - but if he was only ever interested in you, then
hell, I had nothing to go on, did I? He just had to wait for you to
come along and then that was it. So I'm surprised and shocked you
see? No warning. Unpredictable behaviour. But that's the kind of
shock I'm talking about. Not the kind of yuck, Jim's married a guy,
kind of shocked. Now, I won't put up with you two holding hands at
the station or passing on little love notes and if I find one single
unprofessional word come out of either of you during work hours, I
swear I'll drum you out of my department so fast you'll have scorch
marks on your feet. But what I simply will not tolerate is you two
pretending that you're not in love while you're around me! Have we
got that clear!"

Blair just sat there with his mouth open - but Jim burst out
laughing. He pulled Blair closer until Blair had to get out of his
seat so Jim could put his arms around him. Still Jim laughed until he
looked up at Blair's face. "I told you to trust me, Chief."

Blair simply looked to Simon for help. "Captain? Could I put in a
request for a new partner? This one's far too clever for his own
good."

"Nope, you had fair warning - and you've only got yourself to blame
since you went and married him. Now, what's in this desert? I hope
it's low fat. I'm trying to drop a few pounds."

Jim let Blair go back to his seat and they stayed quiet while they
finished off the desert. Then Jim cleared up, put on coffee while
Blair changed the CD and joined Simon out on the balcony where he was
busily finishing his cigar. The big man was standing there, admiring
the night, his hand on the railing when Blair stopped at his side.

"You know he's only letting you get away with it because he knows he
hurt your feelings."

"Of course." Simon grunted with satisfaction and tossed him a glance.
"And I intend to make him pay - as he well knows. But I won't push
it. I figure the next couple of card nights we have here, I'll be
entitled to a cigar at each one. Any more and he might toss me over
the railing and be done with it."

"But he would send flowers to the funeral."

"Of course."

Blair turned and gazed out over the city and wished, not for the
first time, that the lights didn't obscure the stars quite so well.
"It really wasn't deliberate. But things were bad for so long, you
know, that just dealing with each other was hard enough. You don't
know… how hard it was for him to do that tonight."

"So it wasn't your idea?"

"No. That's why we were arguing. I was trying to stop him."

"So why did he do it?"

Blair shrugged, "For me, I think. He wanted me to know he wasn't
ashamed of me."

At that Simon frowned, "Why would he be?"

That made Blair laugh a little and he turned back to face the man,
"Because it is strange and unusual and odd for Jim to suddenly make a
life change like that."

"And for you. I mean, I assume this was your first relationship with
a man, too?"

"Yeah."

"So maybe it is a Guide/Sentinel thing. If only a little."

"Maybe. I doubt we'll ever know." Simon just puffed his cigar so
Blair continued. "There's one other thing."

"What?"

"I think you'll have to keep this to yourself for a while. Tonight
was a friendship thing, you know - not a boss thing. We haven't
discussed it recently, but I don't think Jim is going to be making
any big announcements down at the station for a while. Maybe never.
You know what cops are like on same sex relationships."

"Okay."

"Okay what?" Jim had joined them and immediately came up behind Blair
and wrapped his arms around his waist. Blair leaned back, placed his
hands over Jim's and drew in the kind of warmth he'd never felt
anywhere else. He'd stopped wondering what it was about Jim that made
him feel that way. All he cared about was that they were in love and
for his money, that was all that really mattered. Love had torn them
apart, but best of all, love had brought them back together.

"Just telling Simon that he has to keep the secret for a while."

"Oh, right. Sorry, Simon. I might tell Joel and Rafe in a little
while. I don't know. See how it goes."

"No problem. I understand. I just don't envy you."

"What?"

"Telling your father."

"Ah, well," Jim held Blair a little more closely, giving Blair no
opportunity to glance at his expression. "That'll take a little
preparation and a lot of patience. I'm not expecting a good response,
going by his previous reactions to what he called my 'aberrant'
behaviour. Still, I have to tell him some time."

"*We* have to tell him," Blair corrected.

"Well," Jim murmured, "I was kind of hoping I could tell my father -
then you could tell your mother."

"Hey, Jim," Blair rose to the bait before he could stop himself.
"That is so not fair. Naomi's not that bad!"

Simon chuckled, "Oh, don't worry about it, kid. She'll probably just
tell you it's cosmic karma influenced by Jupiter and Saturn and that
the universe is singing joy for you."

"My point exactly," Jim laughed.

Finishing off his cigar, Simon turned and faced them both, "Look, my
opinion, for what it's worth, is that you should just let them see
how happy you are together. I mean, it's pretty obvious. I didn't
offer my congratulations before so I do so now. And Jim, I'm glad
you've found someone. Really I am, even if I did moan about being
left out before. Blair, I am surprised in one way that it was you he
found - but in another way, I find it not surprising at all."

"Thank you, I think."

"It was meant as a compliment, Chief," Jim whispered so Simon could
hear. "Take it and run. Doesn't happen often."

"Okay, thank you."

"You're welcome." Simon paused and nodded. "Actually, it's a good
thing you did tell me when you did."

"Why?"

"Well, it would have been a bit awkward when you came in to me
tomorrow with all those forms for my signature."

"What forms?"

"To put Blair on your insurance as your domestic partner - or hadn't
you thought of that?"

Jim froze - then laughed. "Actually, I'd forgotten all about it. Hey,
Chief, want to be my domestic partner?"

"I don't know. Does it mean I'll have to clean the bathroom with my
toothbrush?"

"Might do."

"Then I'll take it under advisement. Simon, what do you think?"

Simon took in a huge breath and let it out with an attempt to stifle
a laugh. "Hey, kid, it's a compliment. Take it and run."

*

The alarm was like a trigger in Jim's head, loud and obnoxious and
totally horrible. Worse still, it meant the honeymoon was really
over. With a groan, he shut it off, rolled over and once again
gathered his sleepy mate into his arms. Blair was warm and cuddly and
blissfully docile; a kind of snapshot only to be viewed at this time
of the day.

Trying to stifle the sound, he still took in a deep breath of
Blair-scent, as he had done every morning for the last five months.
Despite several showers, Blair still had a vague lace of coconut and
palm oil which instantly flashed Jim back over the last two weeks of
their time together.

Days spent walking along beaches, swimming, hiking up into the
mountains. Being able to hold hands in public - simply walking down
the street. Skinny-dipping in a lagoon late one night, making love in
the water, Blair wrapping himself around Jim. Of another day, another
hiking alone in the mountains, stripping off to cool themselves in a
river pool. Blair had taken him that day, over bolders in the pool -
and again, that night, in their hotel bed.

Their wedding night was something Jim would never forget. The
ceremony high on the mountainside with the incredible view, the small
intimate meal they'd brought with them. Then left alone, Jim had
spread out a soft blanket for them and they'd watched the sun go down
over the water. And then, wordlessly, they had made love, right
there, in the open secluded spot they had made their own. As though
neither had wanted the night to end, they had spent it wide awake, in
each other's arms, resting and gazing at the stars or touching and
kissing each other. When Jim finally entered Blair that night, he
knew he was never going to find a more perfect moment in his entire
life. Alone and utterly peaceful, they had risen and dressed at dawn,
making their way down from the clouds of heaven and back into the
semi-real world.

As he had packed on their last day, Jim had promised himself that
each year, he and Blair would go to some spot like this, where
same-sex couples were not frowned upon, and simply enjoy a freedom
they could never have anywhere else. Two short weeks out of every
year just for them.

It had been as though Hawaii had become their own private treasure
island, where every day, they discovered as if for the first time,
how much they loved each other. Oh, he wasn't so smitten with the
romance of the thing that he didn't know there would be problems in
the future. They still had their arguments and disagreements - but to
be honest, Jim found them as much an enticing part of their life
together as any other aspect. Blair stood up to him in a way nobody
else had ever dared. When he knew he was right, Blair simply would
not be shifted, no matter how Jim might try to get around him. At the
same time, Jim found it hard to bottle things up now. Somewhere along
the line, he'd learned to loosen the strings on his feelings, learned
to release the tension instead of holding it inside. It had taken him
a long time to realise that trust had a large bearing on things.

No, everything wasn't going to be plain sailing - but that was pretty
much the point. They were on a journey, he and Blair, and as long as
they continued to take each step together, it kind of didn't matter
how the ground lay under their feet.

A great wave of satisfaction rolled over him and without thinking he
took in another dizzying breath and Blair stirred in his arms.

"Mmmn. Doing it 'gain."

"I know, sorry, love. Can't help it."

"S'okay. Told you I like it." Blair pressed a kiss to his chin.
"S'just that, if you don't stop now and get out of bed, you're never
getting to work this morning."

"Oh? Is that a promise?"

"A solemn vow. And just remember, after last night, Simon is going to
know exactly why you're late."

"Yeah."

Blair shifted a little, "You sorry you told him?"

"No. Just that I didn't really discuss it with you first."

"Maybe you were afraid I'd talk you out of it."

"Maybe," Jim pondered, "and maybe I just wanted somebody else to know
how much I love you."

With a short giggle, Blair murmured, "You mean, apart from the entire
population of Hawaii? And anybody who happened to be flying over that
mountain on our wedding night?"

"Oh, Chief, it was way too dark for anybody to see us - but yeah,
something like that." Jim reached up and smoothed down the hair he
loved to touch. "You know, I'm not sure I'm ever going to get used to
the idea that we're actually married. I mean, that you wanted to make
that vow."

"Well, my love," Blair drifted his lips over Jim's cheek, his eyes
still closed, "you just feel free to take as much time as you want
getting used to it. Say, the rest of your life. I'm in no hurry. As
long as you come to this bed every night, and wake me up by sniffing
my hair every morning, I won't complain."

"Oh? And nothing in between?"

"Jim," Blair dropped his voice in mock severity, "if you don't get
out of bed right now, I swear you'll never be able to look Simon in
the eye again because I will tell him, in minute detail, everything
you did to me to make you late for work."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

Smiling and shaking his head, Jim took those luscious lips for one
more brief kiss and hauled himself out of bed. It was a harsh reality
that made him turn his back on something so wonderful, but he had to
do it - or Simon would make him pay with more than just smoking a
cigar on the balcony. So he stumbled down the stairs, turned the
coffee on and headed into the bathroom. He took a quick shower,
feeling the aches and pains of last night wash away.

Simon hadn't stayed late, but Blair had found a few ways to keep him
awake and aware that had lasted long into the night. As the hot water
pounded on his skin, a few lingering images flashed across his mind,
distracting him. But then he remembered he had to go back to work, so
he finished off, got out of the shower and prepared to shave. The
mirror was steamed up so he grabbed a towel and wiped it off. He was
half soaped up when the voice came creeping to him.

*Congratulations.*

"Thanks. You've been awfully quiet for a while. What's up?"

*Nothing. You seemed to be waiting for me to talk so I did.*

"Oh, okay. That's fine then."

*Why?*

"Just that you only seemed to come back to me when something was
wrong."

*No, I'm always here - it's just that you only listened to me when
something was wrong. Now I hope you'll listen more often so we can
work together to make sure nothing else goes wrong.*

"So, does that mean you think I did good?"

*A half-shaved smile greeted him. Yeah, Jimbo, you did good.*

"Great. There's just one thing."

*What's that?*

"Why do you call me Jimbo? I hate it."

*Just answered your own question, then, haven't you?*

The door behind him opened and a sleepy-eyed Blair wandered in,
pushing a long curl out of his eyes, looking hopelessly and
innocently delectable. "Jim?"

"Yes?"

Blair headed for the shower, as Jim finished shaving. "Have you got
the phone in here?"

"No, why?"

"Just wondered who you were talking to."

Jim stared at his clean-shaven reflection and it simply stared back
at him, inscruitable and silent. Then abruptly he grinned. "Nobody
sweetheart. Nobody at all."

"Oh, okay." Blair turned back, gave him a quick kiss and added, "Love
you."

"I love you, too."

Blair got into the shower, pulling the curtain across. "And Jim?"

"Yes, love?"

"Next time you talk to him, tell him thanks and I love him too."
 
 

~Finis