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Choices
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Jack sighed and lifted the half empty beer bottle to his lips, he drank the last lingering remnants and placed it back onto the coffee table, and reached for the next bottle. He didn't see the point in staying sober. It hurt less when he was drunk, and he didn't have work the next morning. General Hammond had given them a week off before Daniel's funeral. It took them a while to decide whether to give him one or not. They didn't know for a fact where he was, so they didn't know if he was actually dead. Jack reached for the remote control for the stereo system and gently clicked it on. The soft sounds of a woman's voice drifted on and Jack sat back and listened.
"Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine
'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind
What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know"
Jack looked at the photographs on the mantelpiece. There were only three on
there. On the left was a picture of his mother on her 81st birthday last year
all dressed up in her green dress for St Patrick's day. In the middle was a
picture of Charlie. It was his first Little League match and he was all dressed
up in his red and white striped uniform. And finally on the right was a picture
of Daniel. It was a snap he had caught last year when Daniel finally came up
to the cabin with him. He was laying on a blanket by the lake, flat on his back,
feet on the picnic basket, wearing a pair of khaki shorts, sandals, and sunglasses.
Jack smiled at the picture and a tear slipped down his cheek.
He stood up and walked over to his bookcase, and knelt down. He reached underneath
it, and pulled out a leather bound album. Sitting back on the sofa with the
book on his lap, Jack opened it to the first page. It was a picture of Daniel
from the video camera mission logs on Abydos.
He was sitting next to Kasuf, talking, after they had defeated Ra. Jack turned
the pages over one by one until he got to the end of the book. It was a picture
that he had taken about a month ago for Daniel's official record at the SGC.
It was 5 years since they'd had their record photos updated, and the computer
had gone down with a virus. General Hammond, who was panicking having 6 teams
off world and no way to get them back, had given Jack and Daniel a camera and
told them to leave him alone. It was a portrait picture of Daniel in his black
tee. Jack just had to have it. He had taken another one of Daniel quickly and
slipped it into his pocket. Jack ran his fingers over the picture and the page
around it started to catch the drops falling from his eyes.
He closed the book, hugged it to his chest, and drifted off into the first sleep
he'd had in three days. Jack stayed like that until the phone rang and woke
him. He slowly got up and answered it, his voice very hoarse and gravely.
"O'Neill."
"Sir? Are you okay?"
"It's Jack, Sam, we're off duty and yes, I'm fine."
"Teal'c, Janet and I were wondering if you wanted to come for a drink
tonight?"
Jack sighed, it wasn't something he was really in the mood for.
"Come on sir, I mean, Jack, just a couple, besides, we need to talk about
Saturday."
Jack shivered. He didn't want to talk about Daniel's funeral. He wasn't even
sure if he was going to go. It's not that he didn't want to. He just didn't
think he could hold himself together. He never could. He broke down at Charlie's
funeral, and his mother's. He didn't want everyone to see it again.
"Jack?"
"Okay, but only for a while."
"Sure. We'll pick you up in half an hour."
Sam rung off and Jack looked at his watch. He realised he had slept for over 12 hours, it was now 1900 and he had 25 minutes before Sam and Janet turned up. He went to the bathroom, and showered and shaved. He walked into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of navy jeans. A cream shirt and polo neck were quickly put on as the doorbell rang repeatedly with the enthusiasm which could only be of a child. He slipped on his leather jacket and opened the door to have an armful of young lady as Cassie ran in and hugged him. He hadn't been to see her since Daniel had gone. He went home the day after it happened, and hadn't had contact with anyone since - except General Hammond who insisted on being let in when he came round the day after. Jack carried Cassie to his car, and put her in the passenger seat. He got in and followed Janet, Sam and Teal'c who were in Sam's car.
"Why didn't you come round Jack? You always come around Sunday when you're
on world."
"I know Cass, I'm sorry. I just need some time to think. I miss Daniel."
"So do I! Jack, I need you there. I miss him too."
Jack pulled over to the kerb of the road and turned in his seat to look at
Cassie.
"Cass. I know you do. It's just…I'm sorry, I can't explain it to
you."
"I'm not a kid Jack, I'm 18 in a few months, what is it?"
"I haven't told anyone this before okay, not even Sam or Teal'c. Not even
Daniel knew this."
"Jack you're scaring me now, what is it?"
"I loved Daniel."
"Jack of course you did, so did I, and Mom and Sam and Teal'c and…"
"Cass. I was IN love with Daniel. Like you and Dominic…"
Jack turned back to pull out onto the road, he pulled out, and they continued on the road toward the restaurant/bar. Cassie didn't say much for the rest of the trip and when they pulled up into the parking lot Janet walked over.
"What happened to you two?"
"Nothing, I wasn't concentrating and took a wrong turn about half a mile
back."
"Come on in then."
They made their way into the bar and spotted Teal'c, Sam and Hammond sitting
at a table in the corner. They went and sat down and Janet joined in the conversation.
Jack sat there in silence slowly sipping his beer and Cassie just sat there
looking at Jack, as if trying to see if what he had told her earlier was the
truth.
They talked about funeral arrangements and Sam asked if Teal'c and Jack were going to be pall bearers with General Hammond and her father.
"It would be my duty as a friend to do so." Teal'c replied
"Umm, guys, I was meaning to talk to you about the funeral…I'm not
going." Jack looked down at his grasped hands and waited for the onslaught.
"What!? Why?!" Jacob's voice broke through the silence that encased
his closest friends.
Jack sighed, "Because I can't, please, I ask you to leave it there, please
don't make me explain." Jack's voice broke into a sob, Cassie put her hand
on his forearm, and Jack shook it off and ran outside to his truck.
He stood there with his hands on the hood, head down. He felt a warm hand on
his back and he turned around, not surprised to see one of his oldest friends
standing there.
"Jack, why didn't you tell him?"
The voice of authority cut through Jack and he knew there was no point in denying
it. He hadn't told him. He also hadn't told him about his relationship with
Stan Kovachek of SG-9, but he had found out about that too.
"I couldn't. Daniel was 100% straight. I knew that."
"How did you know? Did you ever ask him?"
"Yes. I asked him one night after the incident with the replicators, if
he realised how Davis' tongue unravelled whenever he was in line of sight. He
laughed and said he had noticed, and Davis had even asked him out on a date,
but he had declined."
"Did he tell you why?"
"He said there was only one person he wanted, and that he couldn't have
them. Shau're was already gone. He really loved her."
"Yes Jack, he did. But that didn't mean it was her that he wanted. Did
you know he went out on dates with the infirmary nurses?"
"Yeah, I bet him that he couldn't get 50 dates from the SGC in a year.
Boy, did he ever win some money off me that night."
The other presence laughed, reached into his jacket pocket, and produced a video
cassette.
"Jack, Daniel made this after you came out of that time loop. He asked
me to give it to you, if anything ever happened to him."
Jack took the cassette and placed a hand on the other mans shoulder.
"Thanks George."
Jack turned and got into his truck, and drove off.
As he drove down the winding streets towards Winter Park, Jack wondered what
was on the tape. If it was made 18 months ago, a lot of things would've happened
between then and now. Jack sighed as a car pulled out in front of him and decided
the speed he was going to go was 40kph for the rest of his journey.
Jack pulled into his driveway just as his watch beeped signally midnight. 4 days. It had been 4 days since Daniel had decided to play the damn hero. Jack walked into the house and over to the video recorder, dropping his leather jacket over the back of the sofa as he did. He slotted the tape in, then turned on the light. He looked around at the mess of the sitting room that 3 days of uncleanliness had caused. He cleared up the beer bottles scattered on and around the table and sofa, he picked up the photo album and put it back in its place under the bookcase. He dumped the empty bottles into the recycle bin and grabbed a fresh one from the refrigerator. He sat down on the sofa and pressed play on the remote.
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End 'Choices'