Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

Blair took the remote from Jim. "We all don't have your hearing. Actually, no one has hearing." Blair turned the volume to a reasonable level.

"Did you have a late class?" Brilliant Jim for stating the obvious.

"But I'm free tomorrow. Would you like me to help you with your paperwork?" Jim nodded and put his arm around Blair beckoning him to snuggle. "I have been waiting all day to cuddle you."

"And give the guys in Major Crimes more reasons to talk about us." Blair snuggled against Jim.

Jim took the remote and turned off the television. "Let's give them something to talk about."

"I could believe he put you on stake out the moment we got home from Mexico." Blair put his arms around Jim.

"That's Simon for you." Jim put his hand on Blair's face and turned his head so his eyes meet Blair's eyes.

"I had this dream that I shot a wolf and it morph into you. How could I dream that I killed the person that matters the most to me?"

"It was because you held a gun at me." Blair stroked Jim's chin. Blair's finger followed Jim's long hard jaw line. Jim was a gorgeous man how could have Blair missed it before. Blair felt like he was going to explode from his desire for Jim. Jim must have felt his body temperature increase and the increase in his pulse. He hoped he could hide his erection a little longer but then pressed his body against Jim's, hoping that Jim would do something crazy like carry him upstairs and ravage him. Blair stroked Jim's short hair enjoying the sensation of the larger man's body heat and the gentle pressure of their bodies close together.

Jim's arms enveloped him. "I couldn't fight Alex. I should have killed her for you." Jim wondered if Blair could feel his heart rate accelerate and his body temperature go up. Jim was glad that Blair has seen what everyone else saw so long ago.

"It was only a dream; I'm with you now." Blair moved a finger over Jim's forehead.

"I'm thankful. You mean everything to me." Jim lifted Blair's chin and kissed him.

Blair felt very nervous, as Jim's tongue met his, having never kissed a man before Jim. "You must think I'm a fool not to see that you were in love with me."

"You cancelled your expedition to Borneo for me. You said it was about friendship."

"You needed me. You're Supercop, ex-Army ranger and I'm nerd of the year. You had stopped flirting with me long ago. I'd no idea that everyone in Cascade thought we were an item."

Jim recalled that Blair only smelled like women when he returned from a date. The only semen he ever sensed on Blair was his own. Jim had never sensed Blair's arousal except when Blair jerked off in his own room with the French doors closed. "I assumed you were straight."

"I am."

"Blair Sandburg is lost for words. We have to write this date down in history."

It never crossed Blair's mind that he could fall in love another man. Blair was no homophobe; he had plenty of gay friends and had even gone to gay clubs when invited. The other officers must have noticed the way Jim looked at him, but Blair couldn't acknowledge it. Jim could smell and feel his arousal; there was no way to obfuscate. This wasn't street corner sex; Jim wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. I'm the answer to everything. How could Blair live up to that?

"Would you like to continue this in bed?"

"I haven't had the opportunity to shower."

"I don't mind." Jim undid the leather strap in Blair's hair allowing the slightly damp hair to spring into curls. "I know that you don't want to believe this but I want to spend the rest of my life loving you."

"I have never planned anything in my life. I moved into your house for a week and even after Larry trashed your house twice you let me stay. Let me shower." Blair could smell the odor from his pits after spending two and half hours lecturing. The smell must have been overwhelming to Jim. "I'm rather ripe."

"You talk too much." Jim kissed Blair again. Jim removed his own shirt and folded it and placed it on the armrest. Jim placed Blair's hand on his hard muscular chest. Blair pulled his hand away. Jim touched Blair's chin with his thumb. "Baby, relax. I'm not going to bite unless you want me to." Jim took his shirt and walked up the stairs.

Blair showered not wanting to be covered in sweat for their first time. Jim was right about Blair being straight. At least, he had thought so until the flight home from Sierra Verde. Blair dried his hair with a towel and changed into the sweats that he normally wore to bed. Blair climbed the stairs. Blair had never been naked in front of Jim. Although Jim had never been modest walking around the loft, Blair had never even considered checking out the merchandise.

"You aren't joining me in bed in itchy sweats." Jim turned toward Blair uncovering himself. "You've never looked. Your body temperature never went up. I don't understand."

"I'm here now and want to be everything to you." Jim rolled over on the bed revealing his nakedness." You're everything to me."

Blair thought Jim was a sight to behold like a scripture of Adonis. Blair couldn't believe that Jim wanted to share all he was in him. Blair wanted to pull back a moment longer. "I get cold easily." I'm in his bedroom and still delaying. Jim had shared secrets with him that he would never tell his ex-wife. Jim never said I love you but his body language shouted it. Jim may have stopped the loud flirting but his body language always said get closer; I want to touch you and be with you. Blair owed Jim everything; he had no right to deny him his love.

"I'll keep you warm."

Blair ran downstairs and put up the teakettle. He couldn't face Jim; how could he say that Jim's gorgeous, buff body didn't do it for him? Jim might be wonderful to look at but going down on him was never going to happen in this lifetime. Jim came down wearing jeans and a tee shirt.

"What happened?" Jim asked.

"Haven't you ever been with someone, everything was perfect and then you changed your mind?"

Jim touched Blair's hands and looked in his eyes. "You're so beautiful."

"I did this with Christine but I had a reason, then. I just saw Susan's dead body and I couldn't get that off my mind. With you, the mood was right; everything was right." Blair wanted nothing more than to please Jim. He felt as trite when Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets, said, I tell you, buddy, I would be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me. Blair felt like shit; he should have been able to love Jim despite of his gender. He felt as low as the Melvin Udall, the scum you can't scrape of your shoes fast enough. When Jim flashed Blair that beautiful smile of his, Blair waited for the other shoe to drop. "You're very attractive. I love your smile. I just can't see you like that. I wish I did."

"Baby, it's all right." Jim put his hand on Blair's face. "I hate having to make you take a cold shower."

"It won't be the first time. The kissing made you so hot. Would you like to take it slow?"

"It isn't my cup of tea. Jim, I love you." Blair tried to return the loving glance but his eyes drifted to his lap.

"I love you, too. When I see myself in the future you're always here with me."

"I have this fear that fifty years from now I'll still be living under your stairs."

"Can I kiss you again?" Jim touched Blair's chin with his fingertips.

"I rather not." Blair looked away from Jim. "A breeze turns you on. I didn't mean that."

"What do you mean?"

"I love you, man, but I'm not in love with you. I could quote hundreds of song lyrics or over dozen lines from movies. That isn't going to make either of us feel better. Man, I'm giving you a hundred per cent now. This is all I have." It seemed like a song cue for "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad". This wasn't happening to Blair; that most perfect person in his life wanted to be his everything and he couldn't do it. This was like watching a train wreck in slow motion and being unable to stop it. Jim had called him a dog that humps table legs and here Blair was unable to get it up for the most important person in his life. All these trite images filled his head making him want to drown in his own self-pity. "I wish I could give you more. You deserve better than this. I deserve better than this."

"Baby, I would think about the perfect lady and she is you." Jim didn't mean that Blair was feminine. All he knew was that Blair was everything he wanted.

"What do you mean?"

"My perfect mate would need your love of outdoors, your energy, your sense of humor, the way you look at me like my every word matters, and be as beautiful as you on the inside and the outside. You're perfect."

"But I'm straight. This is pathetic; the packaging shouldn't matter." The teakettle whistled. Blair poured some water over his herbal tea. "Would you like some?"

"What kind is it?"

"The kind that helps me sleep." Blair made a second mug.

"You're so good to me. I'm never going to find anyone that compares to you." Jim poured salt into an open wound.

"I want to lie in your arms; I want to make it better." Blair sipped his tea feeling like any moment that he was going to burst into tears. He didn't want to lose his best friend. James Ellison deserved better than this. That sounded so trite, but Blair wanted to spend his life with Jim. There was no one that he had ever loved more, but he was never going to desire him. He would give his life, but he couldn't give him his body. If he spent the rest of his life under James Ellison's stairs, he wouldn't complain.

"I need to take a shower. We will talk more tomorrow."

"Jim, I couldn't be more sorry."

"I know, Baby." Jim wrapped his arms around Blair, kissed him briefly then walked to bathroom. There was nothing Jim could say or do to make Blair's pain go away. As Jim washed the day's sweat off his body, he wondered if snuggling with Blair on the futon would make him feel better or trying to comfort him would make him feel worse.

Blair closed the French doors to his tiny room. He pulled the blanket over his head and hid. I can't lie. I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not. No matter how I try, I'll never be able to give you something. Something that I just haven't got.

Jim woke after only sleeping half the night. He could determine from Blair's breathing that he was lying in his room awake. Jim walked down the stairs then knocked on the door. "Chief, would you like to talk?"

"I'll make some coffee." Blair walked to the kitchen. "I don't know what to say to you."

"You did the right thing. I would never force you to do anything that you didn't want to do."

"You aren't kicking me out." Blair ground some coffee. "I don't want you feel like I pressured you."

"You didn't pressure me. We both wanted it. Part of me wanted to remove those sweats, lie there and pretend." Blair put the coffee and water into the coffee maker. Jim put his hand on Blair's shoulder.

"I'm glad that you didn't go through the motions. Carolyn did that for a while. It only made it hurt more when it was over."

"I wanted so much to feel something. As long as the clothes were on, I could pretend." Blair looked at Jim. "I feel like I'm wasting my life. I'm living in your storage room; I have written a dissertation that I can never turn it."

Jim poured the coffee. "Join me on the sofa. Chief, you aren't wasting your life."

"I didn't go to Borneo because you needed me. I thought our friendship could turn into more. I wanted so much to love you the way that you love me." Blair picked up his mug of coffee and followed Jim to the couch. "I think to myself, 'is this as good as it gets?' You gave me a home and it isn't enough. I wanted so much more than the nothingness that I feel at this moment."

Jim sat on the sofa and turned on CNN. "Sit next to me. I'm not blaming you. Am I going to feel uncomfortable each time that I put my arms around you or kiss you?"

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. I wish I could return your love." Blair put his coffee on the coffee table and leaned against Jim putting his head into Jim's chest. "Put your arm around me."

Jim put his arms around Blair allowing his dials to go midway. Blair felt so good in his arm like he belonged there. Jim wouldn't mind spending all morning snuggling with Blair. Blair's heart beating and breathing were regular, no unusual stress; there was no smell of fear or discomfort. "You could never disappoint me."

"Kiss me." Blair whispered. Jim placed a light kiss on Blair's lips. Blair closed his eyes. Jim increased the pressure in the kiss. Jim could taste so much more than the coffee. Jim tasted Blair's tranquility, no desire. There was none of the hormones of the desire that Jim had tasted the night before. Jim allowed the kiss to deepen allowing Blair to set the pace. Blair needed the affection as much as he did. Blair probably felt more lost. He had risked so much on his relationship with Jim. All Blair had was a dissertation that he couldn't hand in and a job that he wasn't paid for. Blair's mouth opened more and his tongue moved against Jim's tongue playfully. Jim pulled back slowly moving his hand into Blair's hair.

"Baby, I needed that."

"Me, too." Jim took in the odor for Blair's hair. He allowed his mouth to move onto Blair's neck.

"Feel nice." Blair moved his head a little giving Jim access. "Just don't give me a hickey. I couldn't face the guys this afternoon."

Jim licked Blair's neck a second longer. Jim told himself to go slow. Blair's body begged him to touch it. Talk about anything; don't pull off his sweats. Let Blair set the pace. "You have to tell the university that you can't turn it in. How long have you been sitting on it?"

Blair sipped his coffee. "If I tell the university, that I'm wasting my time and I need to change the topic of my diss, I could lose all my grants."

"You can't put your life on hold indefinitely." Jim moved his hand over the back of Blair's sweats. Jim moved his hand under the itchy polyester blend. Jim was going to buy Blair 100 percent cotton sweats and tee shirts when the stores opened for the day. He didn't need to get to the police station until afternoon. If he was going to snuggle with someone dressed, the fabric needed to be soft to the touch.

"It hurts. For two years, I have know that I could never betray you by turning in that dissertation but I hoped I could find a way to still get my doctorate. I can't speak to my advisor and tell them that I haven't found a sentinel and that I wasted all my time." Blair put the mug down and fell back into Jim's arms. Blair wiped the small amount of sweat on his face. It was too warm for sweats when he was wrapped Jim's arms. Jim's body heat was like a furnace near him. No wonder Jim kept the loft so cold. His skin was so warm. Blair left the sofa and went to his room to remove his sweats; Blair didn't want to break another house rule by leaving his clothes in the living room. Blair put the sweats on top of his dresser. Blair looked in the mirror at himself wearing only a pair of white cotton briefs and put on a white cotton tee shirt; not wanting Jim's grope his chest hair without an invitation. Blair's mind wanted Jim although he had no physical signs of arousal. Blair had read enough psychology to know most of the sex drive was mental and erection wasn't necessary to enjoy Jim touching him.

Jim finished his coffee while Blair was out of the room.

"You look far more comfortable."

"No jokes about having cute underwear."

"Women have cute underwear. Men's underwear is meant to come off." Jim motioned for Blair to rejoin him on the sofa. "No offense."

"Let's not go there." Blair sat on the sofa.

"The sooner you tell them that you need to change your subject the better. You have written that dissertation on the Thin Blue Line."

"Most of it. It isn't extraordinary, but I have all the research done. I haven't needed to observe the department in many months." Blair put his hand over Jim's light beard and feeling like his whole life was a lie.

"I don't blame you for hurting." Jim pressed his mouth on Blair's ear. Jim licked Blair's earlobe and then pulled lightly on the earring with his tongue and teeth.

Blair felt on the verge of tears and his body pressed in Jim. Blair didn't know how to describe the way he felt. He needed so much more than he was feeling. There was this huge emptiness. "Would you like to take this upstairs?"

"Chief, you can't go through the motions."

"I love you. Your body isn't repulsive to me. I need to be held and loved. You're all that matters to me. My life is so pitiful."

"It isn't." Jim touched Blair's face.

Blair looked into Jim's eyes. "It is. My best friend is groping me and I'm allowing it. Jim, touch me; I need so much." Blair put his hand on Jim's erection a moment unsure of what do next. Blair removed Jim's athletic shirt allowing his hands to feel Jim's hard muscles. Blair moved his tongue over his friend's hard chest feeling no desire just the burning need to feel more. It felt good that Jim desired him and that was enough for now.

"You don't have to do this."

Blair couldn't believe that he was thinking about taking Jim's cock into his mouth. As Blair put his fingers in the elastic of Jim's boxers, the thought was only mildly repulsive. It was like he was outside himself and someone else was going through this. Blair had never looked at other man's penis; it seemed so big and threatening in his hands.

Jim touched Blair's hands. "Don't do this."

"Kiss me then."

Jim pressed his mouth against Blair with passion, held Blair's head as he sucked Blair's tongue and allowed his mouth to taste all that Blair had to offer. "I know what you're trying to do."

"I want you to have all that I have to offer."

"You think that if you go through the motions that eventually you'll fall in love with me. I don't need or want your pity."

"You're gorgeous, man. You could have hundreds of men or women. I'm flattered that you want me."

"You don't desire me."

"But you desire me, that's enough."

"That isn't enough." Jim fixed his boxer's shorts.

"Just hold me in your arms until morning." Blair put his arm around Jim allowing his head to rest against Jim's naked chest. "Make this emptiness inside me go away."

"I'm not going anywhere." Jim kissed Blair's forehead. "I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better."

"Tell me that you love me."

"Chief, I love you; I have always loved you."

"I needed to hear that."

"Baby, I know. We could always marry sisters."

Blair opened his hand and felt Jim's hard muscles under it and felt comfort in hearing the slow regular beat of Jim's heart. Blair closed his eyes a moment as Jim wrapped his arms around him covering Blair with his body heat. Blair returned with his quilt. "From the moment that agreed to teach you to manage your senses, I should have known that I would be promising more than a few minutes repair. I thought I would write my dissertation and leave, but when we returned from Peru I knew that wasn't the case."

"What did you feel?"

"That you needed me and that you would always need me in your life. People don't abandon their friends."

"Blair, we're more than friends."

"Like David and Jonathan." Blair sobbed gently as Jim stroked his hair. "You're so good to me."

Endnote: I discussed Blair and Jim's relationship with another fan fiction writer before writing my first story. I told her that sex between Blair and Jim would happen fairly early or not at all. This is the not at all story. I resisted writing half the lyrics of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"; as Meatloaf wrote so well, "But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box."