Having Your Baby

Chapter 1

"A friend of my mine is doing infertility research. I agreed to help her out." Blair relaxed into sofa with a beer.

"I hear a but coming," said Jim.

"I'm teaching four classes and the sociology/anthropology department is using me for slave labor. They think if they work me hard enough I'll quit. After guiding you for four years, no one could work me that hard." Blair smiled.

"What did you agree to?" Jim asked, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"She's doing fertility testing and I gave her sperm samples. At the time, she had eighteen volunteers and she wanted twenty. I told her that if she couldn't find two more volunteers I would help."

From Blair's sweat to the race of his heartbeat, Jim knew that there was more to it. "And?" Jim flashed his pearly white, trying to give encouragement and not ring Blair's neck.

"She wanted me to carry an embryo."

"As in a baby," Jim shouted.

"For three months, it's a pack of cell. The other volunteers are female," Blair said. "With my killer schedule, I can't afford morning sickness."

"There's no way that you're carrying a baby to kill it. If I could, I would get the media down her throat to stop such unethical experiments." Jim could hear the heartbeat of fetus younger than that if he put his head to a pregnant woman's belly. In a woman with a baby a month or two older, he could put his hand against her abdomen and form a picture in his mind of the forming child.

"It's just a clump of cells. Don't think of it as a baby."

"It's a baby. It's not because I was raised Catholic. An abortion stops a beating heart. I can't let you do it."

"I won't do it. I have to help her find someone else." Blair gave Jim his best puppy dog eyes.

"Chief, I'll do it." Jim looked Blair straight in the eye, grabbing both of his lover's hands.

"You just said that her experiments were unethical."

"I'll carry it to term. If she can get a man to delivery a healthy baby, then no children will pay the ultimate price." Jim touched Blair's cheek.

"Jim, you'll have to take female hormones until the placenta produces its own. You could go a year without an erection." Blair said stroking the peach fuzz on Jim's cheek. "You do this and your life will never be the same."

"I need to do it. I can't let you find someone that will kill a helpless baby." Jim kissed Blair's forehead. "I can get through anything with you by my side."

"You could hemorrhage to death."

"Then, I hemorrhage to death for a reason. Martyrs have died for less." Jim hugged and kissed Blair.

Blair balled up his fists and his heart pounded.

"Chief, I won't die. I'm too stubborn." Jim kissed Blair's face.

Blair walked Jim through the corridors of the science building. They went to the top floor stopped in a large lab with several freezers, large computers, steel tables with surgical equipment nearby. A woman, a little older than Blair, wearing a white lab coat, shook Blair's hand. "Did you find me a volunteer?"

Blair's voice shook, "Bianca, this is my SO, Jim Ellison."

"Mr. Ellison, Blair gave me some sperm samples about six months ago," said Bianca. "We were going to implant an embryo in his abdomen and watch it grow few months."

Jim clenched his jaw and tried not to let his anger show.

Dr. Bianca Hogan said, "Entopic pregnancies aren't considered viable."

Jim interrupted, "That doesn't mean you have to cause them. What you are doing is murder."

"Mr. Ellison, please, leave or I'll call security," Dr. Hogan said.

"Let me finish," Jim said, keeping his voice as calm as possible.

Bianca looked at her watch. "You have five minutes then I call security."

Jim took a deep breath. "I want to do it. Mr. Sandburg has other obligations."

"Sir, you aren't making any sense."

"I have a friend that was born without a womb that has been looking longingly at expectant mothers for years. She isn't the type person to go first." Jim calmed his heartbeat. Blair had taught him biofeedback. Jim wasn't going to tell this woman that his friend was a male-female transsexual. "I carry to term. No more of these experiments. The rest of trials are to term. You call me John Doe in your research."

"I'm testing a medicine to prevent miscarriage. Mr. Ellison, you can't expect me to implant you with your lover's child."

"I can't agree to aborting the baby," said Jim.

"Leave my office and don't mock my research," said Bianca.

"Your research is no good until you can get someone to carry to term. If a man can carry to term, any woman can," Jim said with an air of confidence.

"Bianca, tell him what you're doing," Blair said.

Bianca takes Blair to the side and whispered into Blair's ear. "I'm not talking to that crazy right-to-lifer. I don't care if he's your friend."

"Jim and I have been together for four years," Blair stated.

"And you have my condolences," Bianca said.

"Tell him what you're doing. Let him decide for himself."

Jim had enough to shut her down. It was illegal to cause abortion for medical reasons. She knew that. All Jim had to do was flash his badge and she was behind bars. "I'll tell the police that you're doing illegal experiments. I could shut you down with one phone call."

Bianca sat down on a bench near Jim. "As I said, I'm testing a medicine that will allow women with damaged or missing uteruses to carry a baby. One of my volunteers had a hysterectomy when she was twenty. She's using her husband's sperm and her own egg and also wants to carry to term."

"What about surrogate moms?" asked Blair.

"They're hard to find and there is nothing like being able to carry your own child," said Bianca.

"Do you have children?" Jim asked, sitting down next to her.

"One. Three years old," Bianca said. "This'll give hundreds of women hope."

Jim refused to yell. "Tell the women the risk and let them carry to term."

"Or what?" Bianca asked.

Jim flashed his badge. "I shut you down and you spend time in jail for performing illegal research."

"What do you want?" Bianca looked him in the eye.

"To carry Blair's child," Jim stated.

"You're crazy," the woman said.

"I've never committed blackmail in my life. I've always considered myself an honest cop, but you have something I want." It had never crossed his mind before, but since Blair mentioned it, it was all he could think about. Every since his senses went on-line, he felt so much when he was near a pregnant woman.

Blair took Jim's hand. "You're losing it, man."

"Let's go. I'll have her out of business in less than five minutes," Jim said.

Bianca goes over to Jim and put her hand on his arm. "What do you want? I can't pack up in five minutes."

"I told you."

"Jim, you're talking crazy," Blair said.

"Lots of pregnant women work. I have enough income from my apartment building that I can take a couple years off to raise our child."

"You want this," said Blair.

Beaming, Jim took Blair's hand. "Chief, imagine a little Sandburg in our lives. Why wouldn't I want your child?"

"Bianca, he won't close you down. I need to take him home and talk some sense to him," Blair said.

"Good luck," Bianca said.

"If I can't talk him out of it, will you do it?" Blair asked.

"It could kill him," Bianca said.

"Jim knows that."

"Go to the student union or some place nearby and talk him out of it," Bianca whispered. "I don't want his death on my conscience."

Blair took Jim's hand as they walked out of the science building. "You can't be serious. I'm the one that is called 'Miss' at the supermarket."

"Exactly. Everyone will just think I'm fat. Heather in Narcotics used to be Hank. She has been to electrolysis three times she still has as much facial hair as you. Chief, just think about it - a little Sandburg." Jim smiled ear-to-ear.

"Man, the child won't be related to you. Dr. Hogan will use an anonymous donor egg. It's illegal to replace the nuclear material in one egg with other material. It falls under the illegal cloning act."

"What she is doing is illegal?"

"She doesn't have the technology to take the nuclear material out of one cell and put another cell's nuclear material inside. Anyway, you look at it, you can't be the mother."

"Find woman with similar features," Jim suggested and walked back up the stairs. "I'm already looking forward to hearing his or her heartbeat."

"You won't feel all that," said Bianca.

"I feel more than that when I touch the womb of a pregnant woman. With me, you won't need to attach a monitor. I won't hemorrhaged to death because I can feel the slightest tear," Jim said. "I'm the perfect guinea pig."

"You aren't making any sense," said the woman.

"Sandburg isn't a fraud." Jim smiled at her. "I want to experience what you experienced when you carried your child. It's a part of the human experience that I thought as a man that I would only get to experience second-hand. You have opened a whole new world to me."

Blair smiled. "He won't die."

"Do you have pictures or description of the female donors?" Jim asked.

"I have a sample from a woman that is tall, blonde and blue eyed. Will that work?" Bianca asked. "Jim, I don't want this becoming a media circus."

"I don't want that either." Jim touched her hand. "Have we come to an understanding?"

Bianca had Jim fill out paperwork, as she continued to try to talk him out of risking his life on a moral issue, and prepared a shot of female hormones. "These are fertility drugs. They contain a high level of estrogen and progesterone. The first side effect that you'll probably feel will be impotence. If I'm successful implanting an embryo inside you, you'll be impotent for over a year. I don't think I have to tell you the other symptoms."

"Jim, honey," Blair said. "If you take those hormones, you won't be able to get it up for a long time."

"Then, we better have good sex tonight." Jim kissed Blair. "I love you."

"You're crazy." Blair stroked Jim's beard.

"You were going to do it." Jim touched Blair's hand and pulled it off his face.

"I was going to abort it in three months. I would have only been impotent for one month, perhaps two. You would have been able to work around it," Blair explained.

"All nineteen of female volunteers are already pregnant. You could be in the second round of testing in two months. Do you want to be on female hormone the whole waiting period?" Bianca explained.

"Give me the shot." Jim lowered his trousers and briefs.

"You can change your mind at anytime," Bianca said as she readied the needle.

Jim felt a small pitch before he pulled his pants back up. Blair looked at Jim in the truck on the way home. "You have two months to change your mind."

"My rump itches."

"Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"When we get home?"

Blair undressed himself and then Jim. Jim lazily tossed the clothes in the hamper. "How soon do you think I'll be impotent?"

"It doesn't scare you."

"No. There is no contest to see whom has the most sex before he dies. If there was, I would have lost long ago." Jim licked Blair's back. "Chief, I love the way you smell and taste. There is so much that doesn't involve my dick." Jim licked Blair's neck and then his ear. Jim experienced so much sensation that had nothing to do with his sex organs. He could spend hours just licking or fondling Blair. It was such a turn on for Blair to lick his neck or chest. He could be content just snuggling Blair. Jim had waited a long time to do more than to snuggle with Blair because he believed Blair loved the ladies too much to give them up for him. Jim could count the times he had sex in the loft between the time Carolyn moved out and inviting Blair into his bed on one hand. "You taste so good." Jim pulled Blair's earring with his tongue. "I love eighteen carat gold when it's flavored by you."

Blair turned over to face Jim and kissed him deeply. "You're a nut."

"I want your baby inside me. I can't stop thinking about the prospect." Jim kissed Blair's chest and moved his hand over Blair's sex. "You're so beautiful."

Blair licked Jim's cock and went down on him. Jim fired too fast. Jim needed to turn it down or he would come from the slightest touch. Being impotent would allow him to take the time to snuggle and enjoy all the sensations that he could give Blair. He loved that he could feel Blair's nerve endings response to his touch. Sexuality was far more than ejaculating. "It didn't take effect, yet," Blair teased.

Jim kissed him. "We can try again." Jim licked and caressed Blair enjoying every squirm off his lover. Jim touched the spots that made Blair quiver in delight. Jim loved Blair's body and how each part seem to have its own flavor and texture. Orgasm seemed like such a small part of the package.

At the end of the week, Bianca gave Jim another shot in the ass. "How was your week? Any symptoms?"

"None. I felt a little moody, but Blair says that I'm always moody."

After Jim got his third shot, Jim complained that his skin was sensitive while he was shaving.

"Use my electric," Blair hollered. "Moisturizer, not aftershave, it contains alcohol and that is the last thing you want on sensitive skin."

"Thanks, I can't go to work scruffy," Jim said, as Blair entered the bathroom to brush his teeth. Jim was now losing muscle tone on the daily basis but he didn't think Blair or anyone else could see it, yet.

"Did you find the coco butter?" Blair asked. "It's under the sink."

"Thanks."

"Put it some on your knees and elbows. I'll give you a rub down after I get home from work. I'm running late."

That Friday as Blair was massaging Jim's back, Blair commented, "You're losing muscle tone."

"I'm also impotent," Jim said. "I tried jerking off and it doesn't want to stay up. The hormones are starting to change my body. Isn't that exciting?"

"I like your buff, hard body," Blair whined.

"This is incredible. My muscles are changing. I'm starting to get fat deposits on my hips. Can you feel it?"

"Jim, change your mind. Your body will recover in a few days. The woman with the hysterectomy has entered her second month of pregnancy. You don't have to do this," Blair said.

"Chief, I want to do this."

Chapter 2

Jim called Heather from Narcotics and asked her to meet him at an Italian restaurant not usually frequented by cops. "Why the covert operations?" asked Heather.

"I'll get straight to the point. I've been on-"Jim mumbled his water "- for almost two months."

"Men as macho as you're usually hiding something," said Heather.

"That isn't it."

"What is it?" Heather looked in Jim's eyes.

"I'm taking estrogen, progesterone and medicine to prevent miscarriage."

"You're pulling my leg."

"If I can maintain a pregnancy, women like you can have babies. Also I was wondering - how do you handle sensitive skin. You mentioned that you and electrolysis don't get along." Jim did a double take because he changed the subject mid-stream. I'm thinking like a woman. He always complained that he didn't understand women and now he was doing the same annoying things that Carolyn did that pissed him off. He was becoming his ex-wife.

"Sugar, wax, and lots of skin lotion. Electrolysis can cause scarring." Heather showed Jim some lines across her cheek. "And the hair still grows back."

"Blair suggested that I use his electric razor and coco butter. I'm worried that since I stopped working out that the men in the office will think I'm depressed."

"Well, show them that you aren't depressed and just not interested in working out." Heather touched his hand.

Jim pulled his hand away and deadpanned, "I'm a married woman."

"I don't see a ring." Heather stroked Jim's cheek. "Not too bad."

"Heather, I'm not interested. Blair stole my heart years ago."

"How is the little professor?"

"He's great. There're good men out there. Heather, I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression. My doctor doesn't know any transsexuals and all she gives me is a list of things to expect, not any compassion or understanding. I need a friend in this." Jim wasn't exactly a transsexual, but he didn't have another category to call himself. He felt it would be better if people thought he was transsexual than pregnant. The media would avoid the embarrassment of the three-time winner of Cop of the Year being on female hormones and living as a woman, but the first pregnant man would draw media from all over the world. As a sentinel, he could follow other people's behaviors easier because he saw details other people missed.

"I can listen," Heather said. "Jamie, I know it can be frightening."

"I want his baby so much." Jim shed a few silent tears. "I never cry."

"It's probably the hormones, Baby," Heather said.

"Blair was going to test this chemical to prevent miscarriages," Jim started. "He's working very long hours at the University. You must have heard about the dissertation fiasco. They're trying to make him quit by working him to death and I'm rather lonely."

"Didn't he sue the publishing company?"

"No. He couldn't. Sid gave him a settlement out of his own money. If he sues the publishing house, Sid would never work again and his mother would never speak to him."

Heather laughed. "Maybe, that's a good thing."

"I feel so euphoric most of the time since I started taking the hormones. I've been talking Blair's ear off."

"We've never been friends before."

"I didn't want to tell Simon and Blair is working long hours. I hoped that you would listen."

"You're going to carry your lover's baby. You're crazier than I am."

"Not for three more weeks. Blair was going to abort it after the got over the risk period for miscarriage. I'm pro-life. I couldn't let him do it."

"Men don't get pregnant." Heather drank her soda. The waitress brought their food to the table. Jim tasted his pasta; it was too hot and needed to cool a bit longer.

"Heather, you had surgery to become female. I see the way you look at pregnant women and women with small children so don't deny it. I could give you another option."

"Why you?"

"Why not me? Blair and I have been together for four years. I love the idea of having his baby. I know it isn't genetically my child. The anti-cloning laws prevent doctors from extracting DNA from an ovum and replacing it with another donor's DNA. It can be done. Germs cells can be made from any cell in your body."

"The cost will be astronomical."

"Free. She'll need test subjects. The University will pay for all your medical care." Jim started to eat his food.

"You can babble if you like. Jamie, I won't judge you." Heather twirled her spaghetti around her fork.

"You think I'm nuts."

"I'm coming to accept that I'll never have children. Don't give me false dreams."

"I'm thirty-eight. You're only thirty-two; you have time." Jim watched Heather eat her food and copied her behavior. It wouldn't be hard to mimic female behavior if he did it on the constant basis. Blair talked about habits and environment being stronger elements of behavior than genetics. A kid brought up in a primitive tribe in New Guinea could become a doctor working most technically advanced hospital in the world.

"That makes you high risk."

"Having a baby without a womb is high-risk. My age really doesn't enter into it. I'm strong and healthy. I'm a good candidate." Jim looked at the other women eating at the restaurant and made more adjustments to his own behavior. From Blair rants, new habits only replace old habits if they are done constantly. Jim was going to freak a lot of people out if he behaved like a woman twenty-four hours a day, but if he were going to prevent a media circus, he would have to do it.

Jim enjoyed several long massages by Blair. "Chief, I wish you didn't work such long hours at the University."

"It's a game. They have me play gopher and belittled me and they think they can drive me to quit. They want their money back from the grants they gave me so they work me to the bone. I'm more stubborn than they are."

"I hate that I need you so much."

"Is your skin less sensitive?"

"Chief, coco butter helps. I ordered a therapeutic chair with heat and massage. I'm sure it'll be used over the next ten months. It might be great when I nurse my baby. I'm sitting on a cushion at the office. Rafe has been teasing me about getting hemorrhoids and I told him that it comes with age. My biggest problem lately is that I talk too much. I don't rant like you. I just babble."

"You put two Jews in a room you have three arguments."

"Chief, I just talk nonsense."

"You feel good, though."

"Great. Giddy."

"The doctor said that you would adjust. The paperwork says you can quit at anytime."

"I can handle giddy. If the hormones were making me depressed, I might reconsider."

Blair undressed. "Since your skin seems super sensitive, we should take advantage of that."

"I'm deliberately losing muscle tone. Do you still find me attractive?" Jim removed his shirt.

"Jim. I love you. You don't have to do this." Blair kissed Jim's shoulder, then licked Jim's chest. His pecs had lost a lot of their previous musculature.

"I spoke to Heather?" Jim licked Blair's chest hair.

"And?"

"She thinks I'm a fruitcake. She's trying to accept that she'll never have children and is angry that I would suggest otherwise."

"But she wants children."

"I didn't want to upset her. She called me 'Jamie'."

"You have dozens of pet names for me. Some of them are less than attractive. Darwin is another word for smartass." Blair nibbled on Jim's ear. "Jamie." Blair whispered.

"I like it when you say it." Jim was enjoyed the process as his thinking was changing as much as his body. Jim wondered if Blair was noticing the feminization of his behavior but wouldn't say anything about it. Jim put his hands on Blair's ass and kissed his shoulder. "Turn over. I want to lick your butt."

"I love all you can do with your tongue." Blair rolled to his side.

"And my fingers. I'm going to make you squeal." Jim started to lick Blair's bottom as Jim's hands move over his love.

Chapter 3

After Bianca tried to argue Jim out of the procedure for over an hour, Bianca resorted to character assault. "You're acting like a woman."

"Good. You noticed. I've been working on it for almost month. I haven't got any feedback from my co-workers. I thought that I wasn't doing a good job of mimicking female behavior." Jim smiled broadly. He would have to go out-of-town to test it. Blair wouldn't comment about it. "Chief, have you noticed anything?"

"I thought it was the hormones and I was afraid you would break plates or pack my things again," Blair said.

"I'm working harder at this than anything I've ever done in my life. Do you know how hard it's to monitor every movement you make?" Jim said putting his hand on Blair's.

"Why?" Blair asked.

"Because things are happening to my body," Jim said. "Not that I don't like it. I don't want people knowing. No one is going to bother me if they see a transsexual. In fact, they'll avoid me, like I have the plague and, as the world's first pregnant man, I won't get a moment's peace. Darling, this is for my protection and yours."

"Jamie, I wasn't thinking," Blair said. "We can talk about your behavior modification program at home. I might see things that you're missing."

"It's either this or sitting in the loft the next nine months," Jim said. "I need your support, not your condemnation. Blair, we'll talk about it at home."

"Jamie, I'm glad you're doing it deliberately. Bianca, he wants this or would he go to the effort of concentrating on every element of his behavior?" Blair squeezed Jim's hand. "Baby, why do you want this so much that you're willing to become ostracized by your peers?"

Jim kissed Blair briefly. "Chief, I want your child to grow inside me. I can find nothing that could be more exciting. If they're my true friends, they'll stand by me through this. If they toss me aside, they weren't really my friends in the first place. Blair, having a child is far more important than making a few people uncomfortable because James Ellison now walks like a girl. Did you know that when I answer the phone at work now, people say 'Miss' to me? I didn't change the pitch only the inflection. Women seemed to doubt their words, making statements into questions." Jim had learned a whole new set of behaviors when he went through male initiation rituals in Peru. At the time, he thought there was nothing more embarrassing than being nearly thirty being surrounded by twelve-year-old boys.

"Jim, I'm sure it's fascinating," Bianca said. "Do you want the surgery or does the idea of people thinking you to be a transsexual enough to frighten you out of such life-threatening surgery?"

"It's Jamie." Jim smiled feeling confident with his decision. As time went on, he would adapt more feminine behavior to replace his masculine behavior. His manner of speech and simple everyday movement took less effort as each day went on. His phone voice was more feminine than Megan's and didn't need to put in an effort to maintain it.

After Bianca did the surgery to implant the embryo in the lower abdomen, she explained, "I'll give you the hormones and medicine in daily pills now. I might need to regulate the dosage. Take each pill with breakfast. No strenuous exercise for a week."

"How much hormone are you giving me?"

"About twice as much as a transsexual would receive. I'll reduce dosage when the placenta is formed. I'll need to reduce your medication as time goes on. Are you having side effects?"

"Talk too much. Giddy?"

"What do you mean by giddy?"

"I talk too much. Laugh at stupid things."

"Another else."

"I'm acting like my ex-wife," Jim admitted.

Bianca put on her therapist hat. "In what way?"

"I change subject mid-sentence and expect the person I'm talking to follow. I used to tell Carolyn that she wasn't listening and then she would repeat back what I said word-for-word. It used to piss me off." Jim started laughing at the absurdity of it. "I'm a control fanatic and right now I feel powerless to shut up when I know I should. I hate that my hormones are all over the place."

Dr. Bianca Hogan took Jim's hand. "It's going to get worse before it gets better. The worse should be around the third month then you should be less moody. More your normal self."

Blair said, "That's moody enough. Jim, let's go out for Thai before I head back to the university."

Jim said, after they were seated at the restaurant. "Chief, I'm glad noticed the effort I was making. My guess was right, acting like a woman would render me invisible."

"I don't know what to say to encourage you or if I even want to encourage you. Carrying this fetus will most likely kill you," Blair said.

"If you believe in Dr. Hogan, then it's enough," Jim said. "I'm strong and healthy and I can do this."

"Jamie, I support you. Even when I don't agree with you, I support your decisions." Blair said.

Jim waited for Blair to order first and they ate in relative silence. "So, honey, what are you thinking?" Jim asked in the same way his ex-wife would ask after there was a lull in conversation.

"I was watching you eat. You have the mannerisms down and it looks effortless."

Jim put his fork down on the side of his plate. "In what way?"

"You handle the fork more delicately, put smaller portions in your mouth, you chew more thoroughly, and the way you pat your face with your napkin. It's very disconcerting to see you act this way. For a month, I was thinking I was crazy and couldn't be seeing what I was." Blair took a sip of his Thai coffee.

"You aren't losing your mind. Chief, I'm learning to be a lady. I don't want anyone to see a pregnant man." Jim took a sip of his water, wanting people to see a large, nonpregnant woman.

"I don't think anyone will."

Jim took his medicine every day and went to work as usual. Blair wasn't working as many long hours. The professors dogging him must have had other slaves to push around. Blair cuddled with Jim on the king sized bed. The one they had CPD pay for when Warren Chapel shot the other bed full of holes. Feeling Blair in his arms was nice. Jim realized there were three heartbeats in the loft: his, Blair's and the baby's. The baby's was very soft and rapid, like the flapping of hummingbird wings.

"What's wrong?" asked Blair. "You were zoning."

"I can hear the baby's heartbeat. It's a quick flutter. I was just thinking I'd be hearing it all the time until he or she is born."

Blair rested against Jim's chest.

"Get off!" Jim pushed Blair away and massaged his nipple. "I didn't mean to yell. I didn't expect it to hurt like that."

Blair put a hand below Jim's small breasts. "Naomi claims she knew she was pregnant because her nipples were tender."

"You get to suck and massage them."

"Man, I'm still not used to you having tits."

Jim put an arm around Blair. "I never though I would have tits. I thought a little breast development. Male to female transsexuals don't get the kind of breast development adolescence girls get. It must be because I'm more sensitive to medication than most people."

"Hormones are chemicals; they react like any other chemicals in your body. They aren't that big. I don't think they are a size 'A'." Blair licked the nipple that he had previously bumped into. "Feel better?"

"Ah-uh. They're going to get bigger, and I'll be getting colostrum toward the end of the pregnancy."

Chapter 4

Jim returned to the bathroom to vomit for the second time that morning then splashed water on his face.

Henri came in. "Jim, you should go home."

"I'll be fine in an hour or two. My doctor says Saltines."

"What are you having, morning sickness?"

"Laugh." Jim was copying women's behavior at work; however, no one had made any snide remarks about it. Then, again, Jim had a tendency to throw temper tantrums when insulted. No one was going to tell macho Jim Ellison that he was acting like a woman. "I'll laugh when you are under the weather."

Henri went to whiz. "I'm never sick."

Jim went to the men's room and washed his face splashing the water upward like Megan did.

Soon after Jim returned to his desk, Connor patted his belly. "Putting on a few pounds."

"I haven't been working out due to the bad back," Jim explained since he told Simon that he needed desk duty for a week because he pulled out his back. He couldn't exactly have told Simon that he needed to be on light duty because he had an entopic pregnancy that needed to attach itself to an abdominal wall and any activity could cause rupturing and possible death. He hated lying to Simon but he didn't want to be on the cover of Weekly World News.

"Ellison, it happens to all of us." Taggart patted his extending girth.

"Blair says that I should watch the donuts," said Ellison. "I'm in good company. Simon put on a few pounds since he's been injured."

"All you tubbies should go to the gym," Megan said.

"I watch what I eat," said Rafe. "The gym can only do so much."

"Leave off, Ellison. Once your back goes out, it's ruined for life," Taggart said.

"Go home," said Banks. "You look green."

"By the time, I go home it'll be out of my system," Ellison said.

Banks walked Ellison to his office. "As your friend, I recommend you cut back on the donuts. I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist."

"Why?" asked Ellison.

"You have always have been in top physical form. Suddenly, you don't feel like exercising, you're eating too much and you're tired all the time. All classic symptoms of depression."

"I'm not depressed." He stopped exercising to prevent rupture, but the fatigue and hunger were symptoms of pregnancy. Not to mention, the queasiness. He had told Heather that his co-workers would suspect depression. He had to reassure Simon that he wasn't depressed.

"How is Blair?"

"He's still working like a dog."

"You should take some time off. Give your back a rest. You don't look like yourself."

"Thanks, Simon. You know how to cheer a man up." Jim, feeling a small leg kick, smiled. Putting his hand over the baby, he focused on the baby floated in the small sack of water. Her heart was beating about 140 a minute. He counted the projections on the baby. Blair had a healthy baby girl.

"Stop having a moment with your fat cells."

"I'll go." Jim wanted to tell Blair that he had felt the baby kick and cell phones were too easy to overhear. After driving to Rainier, Jim waited nearly two hours at Blair's office for the overworked TA to return. "I felt her move."

"It's too early for that." Blair put Jim's hands in his.

"I'm a sentinel. It's a girl. We need to name your daughter."

"You should be aborting her this week."

"I can feel her inside me. It's wonderful. Simon is worried about me getting fat."

"You need to abort it; it will kill you."

"Chief, I feel life inside me." Jim went home and watched Jerry Springer, as he ate popcorn and drank lemonade. The baby's movements were fascinating. Such a small thing. No bigger than two inches. How could he imagine killing her? The people on Jerry Springer were throwing food at each other. The man on the show promised to marry this skinny woman but married this morbidly obese woman instead. The skinny woman was throwing caking into the fat woman in the wedding dress. Jim was glad that he would never shed his dirty laundry on a show like Jerry Springer. The audience abused the man so for choosing the fat woman over the thin one. He wondered when his story hit the media, if he would do talk shows. He might but only if they laugh with him, not at him, wanting compassion, not mockery.

Bianca called him on the cell phone as the next talk show started. "You need to come in today."

"I felt her move. I can feel her kick. It's wonderful."

"You're a man."

"I'm keeping my baby."

"I'm not going to be responsible. The stakes have gone up. You need to come in."

"We'll talk in your office." Ellison put the phone in his pocket. Bianca asked him to lift his shirt. She put a stethoscope to the bulge. "She has a good heartbeat. The woman who was carrying to term nearly died today. The sac ruptured and she nearly hemorrhaged to death."

"I'll go on bed rest. I'm not murdering my baby," Ellison said.

"Get on the scale. 219. You have gained twenty pounds. Do you want us to have to cut through fat to get the baby out? You need to be more careful."

Jim sat on the examining table. "What do you want me to do?"

"Eat fruit and vegetables before you eat anything else. Get eight servings of fruit and vegetables before eating your meat or starches. You need to your vitamins and minerals in. I don't believe in prenatal vitamins; you should get enough nutrition from the food you eat."

"I have to eat fruit for breakfast." Jim made a face.

"If you can't agree to putting fruits and vegetables first, I'll take it right now."

"Fine. I'll make healthy choices."

"I want to see 220. No more."

"Should I go on bed rest?"

"There are no reason stop normal activities of daily living. As mentioned before, no lifting over fifty pounds. Get plenty of rest and drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Jim, you know all this."

Jim picked up the next months' medication.

"I'm giving you less estrogen than in a birth control pill. The placenta should be making enough to maintain pregnancy. If you feel the slightest bit of cramping go straight to the emergency room, continuing this pregnancy is against doctor's orders. You just went over an unacceptable risk line."

"I understand." Jim touched the bulge in his belly. "I'll take care of myself and I won't let anything harm her."

"I'm scheduling you for an ultrasound," Bianca said. "I want to see the placenta. If she isn't getting a good blood supply, she goes. How are the emotions?"

"I feel good."

Bianca gave him two bottles of pills. "One of each, every morning. I'll see you in a month for the ultrasound."

Jim buttoned his jeans. They were getting a bit snug and digging into his waist. He would need to buy maternity clothes and the insults would start coming.

Blair was home looking at his notes. "What did Bianca say?"

"Continue my normal activities, no lifting, fruit for breakfast. She won't give me prenatal vitamins. She insisted that I eat lots of fruits and vegetables instead."

"Good. That is a much healthier way of going about it."

"She was angry that gained twenty pounds. I gain fifteen of those before I was pregnant. I need to buy to some larger clothes. Would you mind if I wore maternity clothes?"

"Why maternity clothes?"

"Men's clothes aren't designed for increased weight gain. Besides, they'll be hanging everywhere else and tight in the waist," Jim said. "My jeans are cutting into my waist."

"Honey, I don't mind," Blair snuggled next to Jim. "Get clothes that are comfortable. You need to eat fruits and vegetables, no donuts."

"I want her to be healthy." Jim kissed Blair briefly.

"Remember that when cheesecake is calling your name," Blair said.

"If any cheesecakes start whispering, 'James Ellison, eat me.' I'm leaving the room." Jim laughed. "You don't buy it either. Don't expect me to have that kind of willpower. Does my body disgust you?"

"No. Healthy food is important. Don't lose any weight. Watch those calories; you can't be losing weight while pregnant." Blair kissed his neck and put his hands under Jim's sweatshirt. Blair licked Jim's breasts. The mounds were as large as a woman. "I can't believe you're having my baby."

"She'll be as beautiful as her father." Jim wrapped his arms around Blair.

"In the morning, we'll go shopping. I don't have class until noon." Blair continued to suck on Jim's breasts.

"I need to do this myself. We can go shopping later." Jim stroked Blair's hair. "Chief, I love you so much."

"Jamie, I love you, too." Blair moved his hand over Jim's belly.

The next day, Jim looked in my mirror. Peach fuss was forming in place of his once receding hairline. He took one of Blair's bandanas to use as a scarf. He drove to a mall several towns over. He brought some boxers from Big and Tall. Then, he went to the maternity store to get some pants. He saw his reflection in his sweats. I look so fat. Jim touched the beginnings of a double chin.

"Can I help you?" asked the sales associate, Marge on her nametag.

"I'll need some pants," Jim mumbled, noticing the fitting room in the back he could try on as many as he needed until he found the right size.

"Is this your first?" the lady asked as Jim gathered up five pairs of pants to take back.

"Only. I'm thirty-nine," Jim whispered.

"I don't see a ring," the lady said.

"Swelling. I've been married four years." Jim hurried to the fitting room. He didn't feel like small talk and didn't think about his voice, whispering out of embarrassment. After he decided to use a slightly higher pitch around the sales clerk, Jim found that the extra large fit fine. He picked up three pairs of jeans to take to the register.

"Congratulation," the lady said.

"My doctor recited the riot act because I gained twenty pounds the first three months. I thought she was going to explain what fruit and vegetables were and where to find them in the supermarket. My husband is five-eight and skinny; he's laughing his head off. He teased me about cakes and cookies calling my name."

"Which is?"

"Jamie."

"Like Jamie Summers, The Bionic Woman."

"It's James. My father wanted a boy. Annie Rice's given name is Howard." Here Jim was babbling again. He wasn't the Bionic Woman. Dr. Hogan didn't want him running or lifting weights. The only exercise she allowed, outside of normal activities of daily living, was swimming because water would support him and the baby.

Marge, the sales associate, said, "Bras are important."

"I never needed one." Jim felt dumb says that, but there were many flat-chested women that didn't need a bra until they became pregnant.

"I'll help you find one that fits." Marge walked toward the bra department and gestured for Jim to go back to the fitting room.

Jim took his shirt off in the fitting room. He thought he was going to die of shame on the spot. The sales associate helped him put on the bra and adjust the straps. He went to take it off.

"Keep it on," Marge said. "How does it feel?"

"Good," Jim whispered. It really did feel good; it took some of the weight off his back and onto his shoulders. He put his hand on the baby and started crying.

"Tears are normal," the woman said.

Jim put his shirt on over the bra. Blair would laugh, but he wasn't the one with the bustline. The lady didn't notice that he was a man. Her involuntary grimaces said all pregnant women are beautiful even the ugly ones. She brought two more bras to the register. Jim brought the bras and pants without another word.

Jim called Heather, hoping she was on her lunch break. "I'm at the mall. I need your help."

"What's wrong?"

"I went maternity clothes shopping and the saleslady saw a woman." Jim was naked from the waist up except for a scarf over his hair. That was his body, not behavior that he was deliberately projecting. Jim loved it when he was called 'Miss' on the phone, but this hurt.

"You've been on hormones for five months."

"I need a wig," said Jim. "My hair is growing funny. I wore a scarf to the mall."

"Tell me what mall. I'll be there. Wait at the food court."

Jim told Heather which mall then put the phone in his pocket. Mrs. Fields's cookies will be calling his name. Jim went to the car to drop off his bags. After returning to the food court, he brought a salad without meat or dressing, telling himself that he needed to eat healthy. Yuk.

Heather touched Jim's cheek then chin. "Smooth."

"An electric razor and the lotion my doctor recommended," whispered Jim.

"Jamie, please, don't cry. What do you need?"

"Tears are normal. I'm three months pregnant and on hormones. I'm fat and my doctor wants me to eat healthy."

Heather took a tissue from her purse and wiped Jim's tear-soaked cheeks. "What have you bought and what do you need to buy? Let's start with a wig and move onto make-up."

"I can't do this."

"You can do this. We'll go to the wig shop and find one that looks good on you."

"Six-one, two hundred and twenty pound pregnant woman."

"You aren't the first."

"God, I'm wearing a bra."

Jim followed Heather into the wig store. Less than twenty wigs were on display. Others could be ordered by catalog and fitted in the store. "I can't do this." Jim looked at Heather in her long skirt and peasant blouse. Jim removed his scarf. "It's horrible. I've been on hormones five months and now it's growing in."

Heather slapped her leg and laughed. "Jamie, if it was that easy to grow hair, men would be pouring estrogen on their heads." Heather bit her tongue to stop laughing. "How about the dark brown pageboy?"

"I can't do it."

"Jamie, you buried seven men. You can't let a little defenseless wig frighten you." Heather took the wig off the headstand.

The sales clerk leaned forward but turned her head as to pretend she wasn't listening. Two transsexuals talking about hair growth and buying wigs was the best conversation the poor lady was going to hear all day.

Jim put the wig on that Heather suggested. "I look in the mirror and I don't see me."

"Let the clerk measure your head and you can order a nice one," Heather suggested.

The sales clerk took out the catalogue. "I'll help find something you like."

"I was thinking about shoulder length. My husband wears his hair that length." Jim kept his voice soft. He wasn't sure about using a falsetto and there were women that were tenors. He made his voice a little higher in pitch, but the feminine lilt was more important. Jim pulled a picture of Blair from his wallet. "He's the one blessed with thick gorgeous hair. He's a college professor."

"He's a nice looking man, young," the saleswoman agreed.

"He's only seven years younger," Jim said as the saleswoman took the measurement for the wig. Jim took out his card for the pageboy wig and the saleslady helped him put it on correctly.

"The one you ordered will be here in ten days. Do you want to pick it up here or do you want it mailed to the house?"

"Here is fine. I want it billed to." Jim wrote out Bianca Hogan's name and work address.

"Very well," the clerk said. "Thank you, Ma'am."

Jim returned to the maternity shop. Heather help Jim pick out five blouses. Then Heather took Jim to the counter of a department store and helped Jim with make-up. Heather then walked Jim to a full-length mirror. Jim looked more feminine than Heather. Then, again, Blair said that hormones were only chemicals and he had a very efficient metabolism. There was no sign of his Adam's apple unless he dialed up his sight up a few notches. It was same for his light beard, an electric razor every morning was adequate.

"See. A good wig, nice make-up and a proper fitting bra," said Heather.

"That can't be me," Jim whispered and looked at the female curves. He didn't want to go to the station like this. "Is this is what Simon and the guys see?"

"They see the same James Ellison as always."

"How can they? I'm a woman."

"People see what they want to see."

"Heather, thanks for your help. I owe you big time."

"Anytime. Us ladies need to stick together." Heather gave Jim a hug.

"I'm never going to be as confident as you," Jim complained.

"It will come. Give yourself time." Heather blew him a kiss. "Ta ta."

Chapter 5

Jim practiced a falsetto on the drive home. Blair was still at the university. Jim put his new clothes away. After putting on a new blouse and some proper fitting jeans, he fixed his lip-gloss in the mirror and smiled at himself. Heather had said, "Shine, no color."

Jim drove his truck to the station. He looked at his watch. It was five when he parked in the municipal parking lot. He walked to the station carrying his make-up in a handbag. After going through the metal detector, he flashed his badge and stepped on the elevator.

Simon, finishing up the paperwork for the day, was in his office. "Miss, no one is permitted up here at this hour."

"Simon, look at me," Jim said in soft voice trying not to yell and turned to look at Simon face to face. "We have known each other forever."

"Jim," said Simon after taking a deep breath. "Is this some sort of joke?"

Jim returned to using a falsetto. "I've been on female hormones five months. I thought I could hide my curves under fat. I'm just depositing fat as a woman." Jim sat down and folded his knees at the ankle and put his purse on his lap.

"You need to go to personnel and tell them you have permission from your doctor to work as a woman."

"I'm not transsexual. I'm pregnant."

"It's an hysterical pregnancy."

"I assure you it isn't. The woman at the maternity store measured me and saw a ugly pregnant woman."

"And you having Blair's baby?" Simon did one of his patented "in five minutes I calling the men in the white coats" look.

Jim nodded knowing he was screwed.

"And yours?" Simon had that gleam in his eye.

"Donor egg. The woman is tall, blonde with blue eyes. She was thirty when she donated; we know nothing else. If I had a stethoscope, I would let you hear the baby's heartbeat. In a month, you won't need one." Jim folded his hands on his lap.

"Stop talking crazy for a moment. You have been on female hormones and you're wearing a bra." Simon, seeing the lines of the bra under Jim's new blouse, put his pen down.

Jim nodded. "These are my hips." Jim stood up and turned around. He touched his belly feeling the baby move. "I wish you could feel her move."

"Take a week off. Take two weeks off."

"What am I supposed to do at home? I'll go to my doctor and get the information personnel needs. I'm returning to work tomorrow. We don't want a law suit; neither one of us needs the embarrassment."

"Jim, dress in your normal clothes."

"Jamie or Mrs. Sandburg. I'll dress as I'm comfortable." Jim got up and left Simon's office. He went to his desk and cried. "Fucking hormones."

As Jim started doing his paperwork, Megan walked over to him. "Miss, what's wrong?"

"Captain Banks is an asshole." Jim raised his head and looked at her.

"The man that uses this desk gets irate if anyone touches his things and can see a fingerprint a mile away," Megan explained.

Jim laughed through the tears. "I thought that was supposed to be our secret."

"Jimbo, take that wig off this moment," Megan said.

"I look better with it on. I'm not into Annie Lennox."

Megan pulled off the wig showing his messed up hair and started playing with the wig. "It's a nice wig."

"I didn't hurt my back." He opened his purse, took out a mirror, grabbed the wig from Megan and put it back on. "It's Jamie. I've been on female hormones for five months."

"Hormones - that explains the mood swings."

"I hate fucking hormones. I feel like a stranger in my own body."

"How is Sandy taking it?"

"Good. He doesn't seem to mind that his Blessed Protector is a weepy marshmallow."

"I'll finish my paperwork then we'll pick up Sandy for dinner," suggested Megan. "Your bloke has to eat."

"I'll call him." Jim used cell phone. "Chief, I'm at work. Simon won't let me work in maternity clothes unless my doctor notifies personnel. Bureaucracy sucks. Simon is being a fucking asshole."

"He has no business treating the mother of my child like that," said Blair on the other end. "Do you want me to give him a piece of my mind?"

"Chief, I can handle him."

"You're possibly the world's best detective, but we both know who is the diplomat of our partnership."

"I'm going to work tomorrow in maternity clothes. Simon doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. You have enough bridges to mend at Rainier. Conner wants to invite you out for dinner."

"I could use a break."

"We'll met you in front of Hargrove Hall in a half an hour, depending on traffic."

"Megan, do you want to follow or do we use your car?" Jim took her hand in his.

"Calling me Megan and holding my hand. Those hormones are affecting your mind."

"You call me Jamie: I'll call you Megan. I need all the friends I can get."

"Use my car. I won't insult you. It couldn't have been easy coming out to Simon. Jamie, you shouldn't buy your clothing at the maternity store. I know the maternity stores carry bigger sizes and you need elastic with your sensitive skin, but it makes you look dumpy."

"I'm not entering a beauty contest." Jim looked at his reflection in the mirror before using a stall in the women's bathroom. He sat down on the toilet then got up to flush and fix his pants. Jim straightened his jeans and looked in the mirror while fixing his wig. Jim looked at Megan. "Do you know how hard it is to get it to sit right?"

"I can't believe you went to the woman's room."

"I sat down."

Megan drove to Rainier. "Jamie, what the hell is going on?"

"I told you. I'm three months pregnant, I'm taking enough estrogen for a transsexual stallion, and I'm bitchy."

Megan touched Jim's abdomen. "Oh, my God. I know what fat feels like and that isn't fat. That is either a baby or a tumor. My money is on a tumor."

"I've been feeling her heartbeat for a month and a half," said Jim. "I'll dress as a girl or do whatever else it takes. I'm solely responsible for the little life."

Blair went over to them and put his hand right on the baby. "How is the little mother?" Then Blair kissed Jim's cheek. "Jamie, what died on your head? You actually bought that thing? Those hormones are ruining your eye sight."

Jim spoke in the same slight falsetto he had used at the station. "How was your day?"

"I taught two classes to rowdy freshmen and spent the rest of the day as the faculty's pet gopher."

"So you have to insult the hair? We can't all be born with your locks. The wig shop only had a few on display. A nicer one will arrive in ten days and I'm sending the bill to Bianca."

Blair hugged Jim. "You look good except for the football helmet. Megan, I have a stethoscope in my office; hearing is believing."

Jim bent his head down to kiss Blair. "After we eat dinner, Megan and I need to go shopping. I need some dress pants and a dress or two for work."

"And you trust Megan's sense of fashion." Blair led them to his office and opened the door. "Salad for you at dinner or you grow out of your new clothes." He handed Megan the stethoscope.

Jim placed the stethoscope in the best location then listened for himself and handed it to her.

"Oh my God. I can hear it." Megan dropped the stethoscope. "Jamie, you're going to be a mother. How did this happen and don't tell me the usual way?"

"I blackmailed a researcher into implanting an embryo inside me," Jim confessed.

"Any embryo?" Megan had to ask.

"Dr. Hogan needed volunteers to test medicine to prevent miscarriage. I told her I would do it if she couldn't get enough female volunteers. Ms. Right-to-Life over here went into convulsions when I said I was going to abort the embryo in three months. One minute we are talking hypothetical: the next Jim's on hormones."

"Jimbo plowed in without thinking like usual," Megan said.

"She's growing inside me. I can't be that heartless. He would have aborted his own kid," Jim said.

"And you're so much more moral than I."

"I have very strong beliefs about right and wrong. Abortion is wrong. You wouldn't be here in your mother believed in abortion."

"Just because I'm the by-product of an unwanted pregnancy doesn't mean I have to be pro-life."

"You wouldn't be here."

"I wouldn't be here to argue with you and you wouldn't have that fetus inside you."

"As long as she's healthy, she stays."

"You're a man. You don't have a womb. That fetus could rip your insides apart?" Blair scratched his chin. "About a month after she started taking hormones, Jamie starts showing me her curves and telling me how exciting it was to have breasts."

"I can't picture James Ellison being excited about breasts." Megan's body started to quiver and nearly fell on the ground laughing. "Breasts. I thought one of the things Jim liked about Carolyn was that she's built like a boy. When have you ever liked breasts?"

Jim didn't know what to say about that. As a gay man, he had very little interest in breasts or other parts of the female body. He knew that marrying Carolyn was a mistake but they got along so well that he thought that her sex wouldn't matter. He definitely thought anything more than a mouthful was a waste. "Never," Jim admitted. "I don't want talk about it."

"Do you have a name for her?" Megan asked.

"Not yet," Jim said.

"Sandy, Jamie," Megan shouted, trying to control the laughter. "Let's not fight the whole way to the mall."

"I'll have my daughter without you," Jim said.

"She's my daughter. One paternity test and you get nothing." Blair left the office and walked down the hall.

Megan went after him. "Apologize to Jamie. He's -." More laughter. "She's hurting enough."

Blair hugged Jim. "I shouldn't have said that. I know this isn't easy for you."

"I'm having your baby," Jim whispered.

"I'm sorry." Blair kissed Jim's cheek and took his hand.

Jim removed the wig, put the bandana back on his head then looked at Megan as they returned to the car. "Maybe Sandy should follow us. It'll give him a chance to cool down."

"Better." Jim put the wig in the back seat.

"Don't forget the rat. It may multiple." Megan laughed.

"I'm wearing it to work tomorrow."

"It says Jewish grandmother. I'm surprised Blair didn't call you 'Bubbe'."

Jim took out some lipstick and looked in his compact. "Blair will probably order for me."

"He wants the best for you and the baby."

"I feel like an incubator." Jim finished with the lipstick and powdered his face.

Megan was laughing so hard she was nearly crying. "This obviously very important to you." She let a few more giggles before closing her mouth and focusing on her driving.

"I can't stop a beating heart. Once the embryo was implanted I was in for the long haul. She's there. I hear her every second of the day. How could Blair ask me to murder her?"

"He's afraid you'll die."

"There was another volunteer willing to carry to term. The placenta ripped; she nearly hemorrhaged to death. Blair has been on pins and needles ever since."

"He's worried about you."

"I'm monitoring the placenta constantly. If there is the smallest tear, I'll know."

Megan and Jim met Blair at the steakhouse inside the mall. Jim ordered a potato and a petite steak then ate the potato first under Blair's watchful eye. After eating, Megan and Blair helped Jim pick out more maternity clothes. Megan got two pairs of queen sized pantyhose. "To go with the dress."

Jim ended up buying a fourth bra, two pairs of dress slacks, a sweater, the pantyhose and one dress. "We need to buy dress shoes."

"They sell women's shoes in Jamie's size?" asked Blair.

"Not everyone has your tiny feet." Jim remembered that Blair brought his red shoes at Pay Less when he dressed up one Halloween as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

Blair looked up at Jim. "You don't complain when you are sucking on my toes."

Megan said, "The large women's store should sell your size."

Blair kissed Jim's cheek. "I'll leave you two women to your shopping. Megan, make sure Jamie doesn't carry any heavy bags."

When Jim brought his bags home, Blair was already asleep upstairs. "Chief, I know you're angry with me." Jim stroked Blair's curls.

"No, Darling," Blair moaned.

"You hate the way I look." Jim undressed for bed.

"I think you're beautiful."

"You threatened to kill my wig tonight."

"Megan did."

"When she mentioned it in the restaurant, you agreed with her and discussing if drowning or rat poison would work best."

"Neither, I've been poisoned and drowned and I'm still here. Come to bed." Blair raised the covers.