Desertion

Could I lie to you?

I look at you, sleeping next to me, and I can't bring myself to do it. I can't tell you that I'll be there in the morning, can't tell you that I won't leave you, the way you left me so long ago. As much as I want to, I can't do it.

I spent five years of my life searching for you - chasing after rumors, praying that you'd be in the next town when I reached it, but always discovering that you'd moved on a month, a week, a day, sometimes only a few hours before I'd arrived. And I could never catch up with you before you were gone again.

I wrap my arms around my body tightly, holding myself the way you held me earlier tonight, trying to make up my mind. Why tonight? Why did I have to let you talk first, instead of telling you about Zidane and Dagger? I look over at the letter they sent, telling me about what was happening.

"Need your help badly - Black Mage Village under attack." It was really a miracle that I ran into Atla in the square earlier, he was about to go crazy trying to find me. I came running up here, trying to find you, to tell you I had to leave in the morning, just as soon as Mene and Choco were here to pick me up....

And you proposed to me before I had the chance. My heart soared for a moment, but then reality set in.

How could I tell you I was leaving, possibly forever, after that? Ever since Necron was defeated, and I'd come back to what was left of Burmecia, I'd wanted to hear you say those few words. Prove to me that being faithful to you, even after you'd forgotten me, was worth it. Our time together since then helped, but a part of me has always wanted us to have what we had before you left.

And when you said them, when you gave me what I've wanted, a chance to go back... what did I do? I asked you for a little more time.

I'm sorry, Fratley - but I was too scared to make up my mind then and there, when I had to. Too scared that I'd lose you for my decision - or maybe just scared that I'd choose you over them... over my duty.

Gaia's tears, but it hurts to have to choose between you. My friends, counting on me to come and help them defend the innocent against a foe I don't know? Or stay here with you, and my people, fight a battle that I know can be won - and have everything I've ever really wanted handed to me.

No, not everything I've ever wanted. Nothing ever comes free, especially not life-long dreams. And the cost is just too high. I can't do it - can't give up the honor we both share, our devotion to the code we swore to follow as Dragon Knights. If you could see the tears streaming down my face, maybe you'd understand a fraction of the pain I feel as I remove the gold band you gave me earlier tonight, and put it on the nightstand beside you. I'm so sorry, Fratley, but I have to go to them.

I shouldn't have strung you along for even the last few hours - I knew I couldn't choose you over them, love over duty. It's not in either of us to make that choice, and I'd have hated myself forever if I had.

All I can ask is that you not hate me for not making it - because all my heart wishes that I could.

Goodbye, Fratley - I hope you can forgive me, someday. I'll try to come back to you, but I don't know that I could keep that promise if I made it.

Just remember - I'll always love you.