Appearances

Silent Bob shuffled through the crowd at John K's party and frowned.

His loud-mouthed friend was nowhere to be seen. Shit.

He'd checked the back rooms, he'd checked the living and dining rooms, the porch, the upstairs bedrooms - Jay was absolutely nowhere.

He'd been left.

He was gonna kill the little fucker when he showed up at their front door around five in the morning, stoned out of his mind, candy wrappers tangled in his hair.

Two teenyboppers bounced their way past Bob in that moment and he shook his head.

John should have charged extra at the door for all the kids dressed as Britney Spears for Halloween. Fucking Halloween parties. Only good thing about Halloween was the after-holiday sales on economy-sized bags of Kit-Kat bars. That and...

The stunning broad in the Christina Aguilera outfit yakking it up with some of the local chicks.

Who the hell was that?

'And where the hell are we going? I thought we were looking for Jay!'

Bob shook his head and gave himself a mental 'fuck you' as he gravitated towards the hottie on the sidelines.

Nearing, he heard the girl speak in an unnaturally high voice.

"Yeah? So you two are into the, uh, girl on girl action, huh?" she asked sweetly.

Silent Bob stayed a few feet away. The two in front of the Christina look-alike were giggling and shaking their heads. The look-alike then proceeded to try and ask them more questions, but two men came up from behind the other girls and started pawing at them.

"Let's go, baby, this party's about to crash. I heard half of the high school football team are out back blowin' chunks."

"Yeah," the other guy agreed, pulling his girl along "and we wanted to go to that creepy goth club downtown..."

Bob saw his opportunity as the two Britney's were lead away, leaving the Christina there sipping a beer and smirking.

"Uh, hi" Bob stepped in front of her and stuck out his hand "nice costume. I'm Bob."

The girl's neatly done-up eyebrows flew up in what looked like surprise at his sudden appearance. "Oh," she gathered herself, replying in that same high voice "yeah, I've seen you around. You here alone, big boy?" she took his hand, shaking it and smiling.

Silent Bob thought she had lovely hands. And lovely eyes. And really big tits. He wasn't quite sure if they were 'lovely' - her outfit was done up suggestively enough but her breasts were well covered.

"Yeah," he answered. "You?"

"Oh, oh, yeah" she answered a little nervously, taking another sip of her beer and twirling a strand of blonde hair around in her free hand.

"Sorry," Bob looked at her concerned "am I - I making you nervous, er, 'cause I can - if you want I can-"

"No," she said sweetly and batted her lashes, recovering "I was just trying to figure out who you're supposed to be?"

Bob looked at her, confused. Supposed to- Oh. "Uh, no one really, I just kind of came here-"

"I donno, you look sort of like that guy to me."

That guy? "Uh, yeah" he shook his head.

"Yeah, right, that hot guy from that movie, right?" she asked.

Oh, shit, dumb as a doornail "Uh, yeah" but hell, he hadn't gotten laid in a while and she was hot and he was there... so...

"Listen," he moved closer and spoke in her ear "you wanna go someplace and talk?" he pulled back.

She looked almost confused a moment and he thought he'd have to say it again, but she shook herself and gave a stunning smile. "Sure" she flipped her hair over her shoulder.

Silent Bob smiled at her and took her hand, guiding her to the office just beside the kitchen. After years of selling at John K's parties with Jay he knew it was the one place deemed off limits to partygoers. No one would bother them there unless someone needed the room for a big deal. Lots of heavy drugs found their way through that office on weekends.

When he got to the door to find it open, he pushed though and guided the Christina in, flicking on the lights. Nobody at all. Good. The girl made her way over to the couch.

He kicked out the floor rug - John's sign not to disturb the occupants of this particular room - and shut the door.

"Shit, Lunchbox, you're a fuckin' sleezeball - didn't even ask my name 'er nothin'." Bob swung around and his mouth gaped in shock.

The Christina sat cross-legged on the couch, smiling and looking very satisfied with her- or rather Himself.

"Fuck!" Bob shouted.

Jay just laughed at him. "Yeah, that was the general idea then, wasn't it Silent Bob?" Jay shook his head in mock disgust "Jeeze- go somewhere and Talk? Shit, what a line. Would'a thought you'd be classier than that, Tubby."

Bob sneered, looking indignant.

Jay laughed again. "Shit, Lunchbox, you should'a seen you- and shit, lookit you now! Ha! Good outfit, huh? Worth puttin' on a dress just to see the look on your face, stupid ass." He laughed again and shook his head.

"Hey," he handled his fake breasts, shaking them up and down "nice titties, huh? Yeah, I saw you starin'..."

Recovering finally, Bob stalked across the room. "That was not funny, you little shithead."

Jay raised an eyebrow "Oh, but it was," he nodded "you were after my ass, Lunchbox, that was funny as hell." he stood from the couch and stepped forward, closer to where Bob stood looking menacingly at him.

"Yeah, you're always after my ass" he taunted, sticking one hand down the front of the skirt he wore and made a jerking motion "you know you want my meat, you tubby motherfucker, you-"

Bob reached out the foot in front of him and grabbed Jay by the hair, yanking him forward. Jay held out his hands trying to defend himself as a sense of dread suddenly filled him. "YO! Back off! Fuck you, asshole! It was just a joke!"

Wrong night to pick on Bob.

Silent Bob placed his hands on either side of Jay's face and pulled him forward until they were nose-to-nose.

"Not Funny" he insisted again, closing the space between them in one movement, forcing his lips onto Jay's, cutting off the hysterical pleas for mercy.

Bob showed no mercy at all to the babbling blonde, forcing his tongue suddenly and deliberately beyond his teeth, almost painfully battling his tongue into submission. He pulled Jay's body to him and one hand dropped to the back of his thigh, sliding up the skirt and violently taking hold of his ass.

The other hand slid from the side of his face, under long blonde hair (convincingly straightened, it might be noted) and took a firm hold of his neck. Using this grip, he tugged Jay to him, unrelenting, until Jay's body folded into his and his tongue gave up the fight.

Jay's eyes slid closed against his will then and his body gave in to the wonderful pressure bending it backwards as Bob leaned forward, devouring his mouth.

At one point, Bob stumbled forward and both fell back onto the couch, Jay now anxiously kissing back, his hands buried in the dark hair on Bob's head. He flung his Mooby cap off someplace and gripped the hair, savagely pulling his head down with him as his own hit the couch.

And there was a loud pop.

Bob rolled off of Jay, falling to the floor with a thud. He remained there, laughing uncontrollably as Jay looked down at his chest, dismayed.

He reached down into his shirt and pulled out the remains of a water balloon, flinging the wet, dead plastic down into Bob's face as he rolled on the floor, covering his mouth in hysterical mirth.

Jay shook his head and sneered down at Bob, who was too busy laughing and almost crying to notice him.

"Yeah, fuck you too, bitch. Ugh. I hate this fuckin holiday."