Goodbye

"You don't say goodbye to family" your mother tells you when you’re scared of leaving them behind. "You might go away for awhile, but you’ll always have a place to come home to".

 You think she’s probably right, and you tell it to yourself very often. Especially when you feel alone. And in the beginning, you feel alone a lot.

 You’re 13 when you meet Chris, and you think it’s going to be great to be in a Band. You don't know any better yet.

 You've known JC even longer, and you feel good about him being with you. He’s the part of your family you’re taking with you, and when he sometimes gives you a long hug without a reason, you think you might be his.

 You don't know when the family you miss becomes the family you are with, but you think it’s taken at least three years. Maybe when you were back home without really being home.

 Then you remember how it was in Germany. Standing in some dimly-lit club, surrounded by GIs and the girls who are always blond and dream of America. You feel closest to them.

 You like Chris the best, but that’s no surprise to everyone who knows you. He’s cool and funny, and you want to be like him. JC is your brother, and when you don't love him, you hate him. You like Lance but he seems to be so far away from all of you that you don't really bother getting closer to him. It takes you awhile before you understand that he misses his home even more than you do. Joey is the big brother who, unlike JC, actually gives you good advice whenever you need it.

 You like them all, and most times they drive you crazy. Maybe they were family from day number one.

 The first time you hear people talking about the usual lifespan of a boy band, you think that they’re wrong. These guys are your friends. And none of you want to do this thing alone.

 By now, Chris isn't the guy anymore who you want to be like. But he is your closest friend. He lives close by, and, while you can't spend a lot of one-on-one time with him, you know he feels the same way about you. It makes you feel special.

 Joey’s probably the one who changed the most, and you know (or hope) that one day fatherhood will change you the same way.

 JC is still so much JC that you sometimes wish he would need you as much as he did in the beginning. He, though, formed a strange alliance with Lance, of all people. The diva and the bitch Chris sometimes jokes, and sometimes you can hear that he isn't really joking.

 You haven't changed all that much, and you know it. Of course, you’ve grown older, cut your hair, talked Ebonics, and gone from impersonating the spoiled brat to tough guy and back to brat. You’ll find your way, though, just not while everybody’s still looking.

 You went from missing home and missing your family to fearing the day when all that’s left to do is go home.

 You always were one to face your fears head-on, and when you tell them that they should maybe work on some stuff on their own for a while, you can see their smiling, hopeful faces. Something inside you hurts, but you’ve learned one thing in your life on the road: You can only hope that you’ll arrive wherever you wanted to go.

 “You don't say goodbye to family,” your mother used to tell you. And she meant, “Not forever.”

 Seeing them get into their cars and waving at one another before driving off, you think that she was probably wrong. Because sometimes you do, and there will be no place to come home to.

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