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Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be, but they have a lot more fun when they play at my house.

Author's Notes: Blame this on Sylvie and the Serge List. Please don't hit me.

Story Notes:

Lost in the Translation
By MR

Despite what many people who have watched police shows on TV may believe, the animosity that exists between detectives and IA is not exaggerated. Detectives do not like IA for the same reason, I imagine, that chickens don't like weasels; you never know when one of them is going to bite your head off and carry the carcass away to eat later.

I have had ample experience with IA via my two Rays, though I must say that Ray Kowalski seems to catch the heat much more than Ray Vecchio did. This could be, perhaps, because Ray Vecchio could talk his way out of almost anything. Not that Ray Kowalski isn't verbal; it's simply that his verbs have a tendency towards being aggressive rather than passive. And as Huey once remarked, "Nothing'll get IA on your ass quicker than not making nice."

Which is why I'm sitting here at Ray's desk, attempting to make some sense of his back paperwork, while Ray is closeted in Leftenant Welsh's office with an Inspector Kamran from Internal Affairs. The fact that I am the reason Ray is being forced to make nice with Inspector Kamran has not been lost on me. The sling supporting my left arm serves as a constant reminder.

Leftenant Welsh chooses that particular moment to walk in, carrying a cup of coffee, which I can tell, even from here, is several hours old and probably undrinkable. "How you doing, Constable?"

"Very well, sir. The doctor assured me that the bone was only chipped, and that several days of immobilization should render me good as new."

He gives me a look I have noticed is common to Americans: As if I were speaking some other language besides English. "Well, that's good, then." He takes a drink of his coffee and glances towards his office. "They're still grillin' Ray?"

"Apparently, yes." I scratch my eyebrow. "I find IA's methods a bit odd at the best of times, sir. In an official police capacity, I would assume that one would be, well, admired for looking out for their partner's best interests."

"You sayin' you can't see why they're raking Ray over the coals cause he saved your life?" I nod. "You and me both, Constable." He shrugs. " Course, since when has IA had to have a reason to hassle us, huh?"

"They do seem to be rather quick on the draw, sir."

"You got anything like IA in Canada, Fraser? In the RCMP, I mean?"

I consider this a moment. "Not precisely, no. There is an Internal Review Committee, but they generally deal with only the most serious of cases: Dereliction of duty, accepting bribes, that sort of thing."

"So they don't get on your case if you shoot someone?"

"Well, that depends on whether or not the shooting was justified."

"I like the way you people think, Fraser."

It is at precisely that moment that the door to the office flies open and Ray Kowalski comes storming out, followed closely by an irate Inspector Kamran. "You're not going to get away with this, Vecchio! You've been straddling the line for way too long now; it's only a matter of time until you slip over it, and when you do, I'll be waiting to personally cuff you."

Ray rounds on him. "Hello? Are we in the same galaxy here? Did we or did we not agree that my shooting James Garfield in the left hand was, in fact, justified, given that he'd already shot my partner once and was drawing a bead to shoot again?"

Kamran nodded. "This time, Vecchio, yes. But you've been called on the carpet way too many times for slip-ups. The Volpe murder alone..."

"Listen, you mouth-breather," and Ray is suddenly right in Kamran's personal space. "I was cleared on the Volpe case. I never did any more to the man than meet him in an alley to talk, and even that was a set-up..."

"Simply one incident out of many." Kamran obviously doesn't know when to back down. I almost feel sorry for him. "One of these days, Vecchio, we're going to make something stick and you'll find yourself reading parking meters."

Oh dear. I throw a look at Leftenant Welsh, and he nods.

Ray has gone completely stiff, a sight I always find odd, considering how loose-limbed he is otherwise. Then his right hand comes up and one long finger taps the end of Inspector Kamran's nose. His mouth is working, but it's a few minutes before he can actually force anything out. "Kamran. Sock my duck."

Kamran's still standing there with his mouth open as Ray snags his leather jacket off the chair, slips into it, gives Lt. Welsh a salute, and mumbles, "Be waitin' in the car, Frase." Then he's gone, leaving a confused IA inspector in his wake.

After a moment, Kamran shakes himself and looks at Welsh. "Lieutenant. I demand that Vecchio be suspended immediately!"

"On what grounds, Inspector? Seems to me you got everything worked out."

"Didn't you hear what he said to me?"

I stand and touch the brim of my hat. "Yes I did, sir, and in the interest of your own career, I would suggest you not take him up on his suggestion."

The sight of me in my uniform has the desired effect; Kamran is rendered speechless for a full 30 seconds before he finally manages to find his voice again. "Who the hell are you?"

"Constable Benton Fraser, sir, with the RCMP." I offer him my hand. "I am Detective Vecchio's partner."

He glares at Welsh. "Nobody said his partner was a Mountie."

"Is it relevant to the case, sir? Because I had been lead to believe that, as long as I was on loan to the Chicago PD from the Consulate, I was accorded the same rights as any American citizen."

Kamran starts to say something, stops, glances around the room, then looks back at me. "You heard what he said to me, Constable Fraser."

"Yes sir, I did, and as I said, unless you wish to endanger your career, I would advise that you not do it."

He's giving me what Ray refers to as "the deer caught in the headlights" look. "Not do it? How could doing what he just said endanger my career?"

"Because if you were, in fact, to sock his duck, it would put you in direct violation of the Animal Cruelty Laws for the State of Illinois and the City of Chicago." I give him my most sincere smile and turn to Lt. Welsh. "If I may be excused, sir? Ray's waiting for me.

I can tell that Welsh is very close to laughing. If the amount of snorting going on around me is any indication, so is the rest of the squadroom. "Yeah, go ahead, Fraser. Take care of that arm, okay?"

"I will do that, sir." I offer him a little salute of my own, and leave Inspector Kamran standing as if paralyzed, while the men and women of the 27th try their best to not cause a serious departmental incident.

Ray is upset; I can clearly hear every word of Metallica's "King Nothing" as I exit the building. Diefenbaker's sitting outside the car on the passenger's side looking distinctly put upon. As I come up, he whines.

"Yes, I realize it hurts your ears, but Ray is mad right now." Another whine. "Maybe so, but you often do things when you're mad that aren't that pleasant, either."

"Frase?" I realize the music has stopped and glance over. Ray's rolled down the window. "You wanna quit talking to the wolf and get in before Kamran comes out an I hafta kick his skinny ass for real?"

I nod and open the door, pulling the seat forward so Dief can get in back. "It's highly unlikely he could have you hauled up on charges for making a simple comment, Ray." I slid in and fasten my seat belt.

"Simple comment?" He looks at me. "Jeez, Fraser, you heard what I said to him."

"Yes, I did. As did Leftenant Welsh, and Huey and Dewey, and doubtless Francesca as well. But I fail to see how asking him to assault a waterfowl could result in charges being brought."

He's still staring at me, then, there's a beat, and it's like the sun breaking through the clouds after the rain. "I cannot believe you'd do that, Frase. That is so un-Mountie-like. Does the Ice Queen know you do this kinda thing to people?"

"What kind of thing, Ray?"

"The whole innocent-as-the-day-is-long Mountie routine? You think I'm not on to you?"

"Of course you're onto me, Ray. As I recall, I asked you to be."

His smile widens. "Wanna go get something to eat?"

"Well, actually, Ray, I thought perhaps we could go back to your place and order a pizza. That way, we'd have ample time to do a little duck socking of our own."