a bit like that
by Surfgirl
Disclaimer: Lamentably, Due South, Fraser, and Ray
belong to Alliance/Atlantis.
Author's Notes: Originally written in 2000. This much changed version from 2005. Moby's "The Sky Is Broken" and the XF ep "all things" originally inspired.
Story Notes: 1st place Winner, Writers Contest, Zebracon 17, Oct. 21-23, 2005
Lake. To my left. Blue. Twilight blue, like the
dark side of the sky just after sunset.
Red. To my right. Fraser. Red as blood beating in
my ears, backup vocals to his voice.
His voice. Sometimes, I just hear it. Other times
- most other times - I listen. Not to the
words.
To the sound.
Deep, but not too deep. Clear. Diction.
That's what the nuns called it. Soft, sometimes.
But with a rough edge. Or is it rough, with a soft
edge?
Don't. Just don't.
But, yeah. Soft. And rough. And clear.
Possibilities, vague ones, come to me, cruisin' south
on Lake Shore Drive, Fraser riding shotgun.
Possibilities I never do anything about.
They've gotten more detailed and less vague lately.
But still. . . only possibilities. Possibilities he knows nothin' about.
Usually, with me, "possibilities" means impossibilities.
In this case, that's probably best.
"And the raven said to the caribou..."
His voice stops.
"Ray? Are you listening?"
"Mmm-hmm."
"Ah."
That little "ah" should annoy me, but it doesn't.
I'm in that place, that cool place I go sometimes -
only when I'm alone with him. Usually when I drive,
and he talks.
Half-in, half-out of my head. Body relaxed. Guard down... mostly. Not drowsy... but a bit like that. Not horny... but a bit like that.
Not in love... but...
A bit like that.
"I'll just leave you to your thoughts, then," he says
quietly, his tone the shadow of a smile.
If I could touch it, his voice would be suede. Dark
blue, like the lake on one of those cloudy, windy
days. Like his eyes are sometimes. Dark blue suede.
Not that silky imported Italian suede. More like the
Marlboro Man's. Just wrap it around me. That voice.
Soft, but rough. Rough like his hands would be from
living up in the Great White North, choppin' his own
wood. But he'd use `em soft on me. Or maybe rough.
Or maybe both. Soft, then rough, one after the
other, again and again.
If only.
Lips. Move. Mouth. Speak.
"Sorry, Frase. I really was listening... just not
to the words exactly."
"Ray," he pauses, not dramatic, just thinking.
Then, warm, slow: "I believe you."
Suede again. The little tension that seeped into my
body drains from it.
"'Cause I'm telling the truth."
"I'm sure you are," he answers seriously. I don't
look at him.
Possibilities hang, like moisture, like fog, between
us in the car. Hang.
And then slowly disperse.
"As I was saying... the raven then said to the
caribou..."
Tune out specifics. Words: unnecessary. But sound?
Want. The tone, the feel - his voice, my
eardrum. . . hell, my entire body.
Words? Whatever. Sound: need.
Engine rumble and purr, up through my feet on the
floor, through the seat under my butt, through the
steering wheel into my hands. Blacktop vibration
under tires turning fast makes the car hum at a
certain low pitch. The sound of his voice goes with
it: just right.
If I could close my eyes and drive, these south-bound
trips on Lake Shore Drive would almost be heaven.
But I don't have to close my eyes to see what I want
to see. I can see it, and see the road, see the lake
out of the corner of my left eye -- and the red on my
right out of the corner of my other eye.
And picture him. Picture him doing what his voice
feels like comin' across the front seat to me.
He'd be strong. Bigger, more solid than me. Like
his body. And his voice. After listening to him
talk, I realize how thin and flat my voice is. Like
me.
"When the caribou found the feathers, she."
Still he talks, clueless as to what I'm really
thinking.
Want. Need. Don't have. Can't even let myself try.
`Cause this is as good as it gets. This I take with
me, this I hold in my mind. It's there when my eyes
close at night, but I don't fall asleep right away.
There when I shut my eyes for a sec at work. There
before I open my eyes when I wake up.
Him. His voice. His sound. Sitting next to me, so
fine, in the front seat of my car.
Gets too much, sometimes. Wanna let it out. Wanna
let him know. Not sayin' that's smart... just too
much sometimes. Feeling like this, not being able to
tell anyone. And a `course, the person I'd want to
tell is him, `cause he's the only one I really talk
to since Stella.
But he's not the one to tell about this stuff. Not
if I want him to keep ridin' shotgun with me.
Every once in a while, I look over at him, and nod.
And he keeps talkin'. About the raven and the
caribou. 'Cept now there's a bunch more caribous and
ravens. I think.
Wasn't paying real close attention. Not to the
words, anyway.
I drive us all over Lake Shore Drive, even when I
don't need to. Just to listen to his voice. I love
how he goes on and on. The unnecessary details.
Love how his words go around the block in order to
cross the street. Unnecessary details usually mean
lies - but not with Fraser. That's just who he is.
How his mind works. And waterfront cheers him up.
So I'm drivin' Lake Shore Drive more and more. We
get to be alone together this way. Just us two.
Well, and Dief, but I get a warm vibe from him, too.
Most times, I only remember one thing from all these
drives: the movies I make in my mind. Of him. With
me.
His voice. Hands. Mouth. On me. Anywhere.
Everywhere. Soft. Rough. Gentle.
Persistent.
I slit my eyes and let the possibilities flow, see-
through, across my view of the road, the skyline, the
dashboard.
They'll never happen.
But so damn good to picture, while his voice strokes
over my senses.
It fits, you know? His voice fits right in with all
of it, with the blacktop vibration, the long slow
curves of Lake Shore Drive, the movies I make, the
engine hum, the sounds I would make, if.
Nah.
Lake. To my left.
Red. To my right.
And Fraser's voice strokin' over my senses, in my
ears with my blood, soothing my body.
want
Gentle. Strong.
need
Clear. Soft.
must have
Rough. Suede.
secret
damn
Not sad. But a bit like that.
End a bit like that by Surfgirl
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