Disclaimer: The Usual

Author's Notes: Thanks to A. A. Milne

Story Notes: Victoria's Secret
Letting Go
Call of the Wild

SequelTo: Paradise Found

Lieutenant Welsh was true to his word, as usual, and had contacted Maggie in Inuvik. She knew of a cabin some rich tourists had fixed up, just on the edge of town. It had a satellite dish, indoor plumbing, including a spa and hot tub, and a peaceful, private garden just outside the back door. The hot tub was indoors and a window looked out on the garden. Ray and Maggie had talked a long time about Ben and Maggie had wanted to take the first plane out to see him. Unfortunately, she was unable to as she was the lead investigator on the single homicide case that Inuvik had had, this year. Ray told her Ben was being well taken care of. Maggie had also suggested Ray rent the town cabin and offered to go ahead and put a hold on it for him as she knew the people who owned it and they would be glad to make it available when Ray and Ben came to Inuvik. Maggie had said Ben would want to live in his old cabin when he was well and she would begin to make arrangements to have it rebuilt. Ray insisted Maggie send him all receipts.

Ben had been moved out of intensive care when his fever broke. Ben was still having episodes of losing contact with reality and would begin to struggle against his attackers. Ray, most of the time, was able to soothe Ben. When Ben was actually awake and able to comprehend what was around him, those times were like little miracles to Ray and his sense of hope was growing with each passing day. Ben's visible face injuries left only faint indications they were once there. His lips were no longer swollen and painful, so Ben was regaining his ability to talk, except his speech was halting and he would often lose track of what he was saying in mid-sentence. There were two things Ben never talked about; the vicious attack he had endured at the hands of three gay bashers and his love for Ray. Luckily, Ray could read Ben's expressive eyes and knew, without any doubt, Ben still loved him. And Ray took every opportunity to let Ben know he was loved by Ray. Often, though, when Ray would say something like, "You know, Ben, I had to take the long and stupid way `round, but I now know I love you, too, and am so sorry I made you leave that night", Ben would turn his head away and wouldn't look at Ray.

If Ray felt hurt or angered by Ben's unwillingness to discuss either the attack or their love, he never let Ben see it in any way. Ray talked to Dr. Summers, who he now called, "Tom" as they had become friends in the weeks Ray spent at the hospital, about professional help for Ben to help him get over his unwillingness to talk about what had happened to him. Tom had already brought it up to Ben and Ben acted like he didn't know what Tom was talking about. Tom reassured Ray that he just had to take things as they come since Ben was not really the same person he was before the attack - and they had yet to discover what limitations Ben will be facing.

Ray started obsessing about the word Dr. Summers used - "limitations". He was trying to imagine what those might be. He knew that Ben was having difficulties talking and remembering. During the four hours it took for Ray to find Ben, his three attackers had taken turns raping and beating him before they decided to hang Ben from the beam. Ben had been beaten with a baseball bat while he was suspended from that beam, Ray knew that. He had been stabbed repeatedly more as a form of torture than a way of killing him as the wounds were not deep enough to be fatal. What had "killed" Ben was suffering repeated savage attacks after the blunt force trauma to his head. The shock to Ben's system was too profound.

"Okay, doc, got any ideas of what `limitations' Ben might have? I know you said to take it as it comes, but you must have some idea and you've been straight with me, so far. I know it's difficult for him talk and he kinda loses it in the middle."

"His left shoulder was not only dislocated, but the ligaments were torn. We've already operated on it, but he will need physical therapy after the ligaments heal to get the shoulder back to where he can use it and there will always be a chance he can dislocate it, again, if he tries to do too much. All of his stab wounds were not very deep and are healing nicely. The full-body MRI showed trauma at the site of the bullet in his back that had to be left in when he was shot years ago. We won't know if he will have full use of his legs until he can start to move around, again. It may be a repeat of what he had to go through, after being shot - rehabilitation."

Ray felt as if he was being punched in the solar plexus with each word Dr. Summers spoke about Ben and he had to struggle hard to concentrate on what he was saying.

"The consequences of the head injury," continued Dr. Summers, "will not be fully revealed until days, weeks or even years from now. His ability to solve problems and awareness of his surroundings may be affected. If he escapes paralysis, he still may have balance problems. All of Ben's senses may be affected - smell, taste, vision, touch.... Shall I go on, Ray?"

Ray's body language - his arms were clutched tightly across his chest and he was staring down at his crossed arms and he couldn't stop shaking his right leg; was a picture of someone trying to hold onto himself as if he was afraid his body would fly apart if he let go or stopped moving. "Yeh, doc. I gotta know these things. I told you. When Ben can get out of the hospital, I'm taking him home to Canada. I know you said to take things as they come, but I can talk to you and you don't hold back and I have to know what might happen."

"Okay, Ray. Here's a printout of an article that I found online - it's from the Los Angeles Caregiver Resource Center and is a fact sheet on Traumatic Brain Injury. It goes into more detail. Don't make the mistake, though, of thinking that everything you read, here, is going to happen in Ben's case."

"You did say you're going to try to live near a hospital or clinic, right, where Ben can get all of the services he's going to need?"

"Yes, Maggie said a new hospital opened in April of 2003 - there's everything - physical therapy, rehabilitation, psychiatrist - you, know...." Ray trailed off, as he became aware of the reality of what the future is going to hold for Ben. Ray tried to lighten up the conversation, "If Ben can't taste things, that'll kill him. He always liked to pick up things, like chewed gum, and taste them for clues." Ray laughed a weak laugh and Tom laughed with him, in a subdued way. Tom was hopeful Ray would find ways to deal with the problems they are both going to have in adapting to Ben's new life.

"Ray, are you still thinking about suicide, sometimes?"

"Yeh, but, you know, doc, I think your idea of taking something for the thoughts I'm having, is a good one. I can feel my thoughts are getting a little bit more positive and I don't think of all of the ugly parts of this nightmare, all the time. By the time Ben can fly to Inuvik, I believe I might be able to go for hours without seeing him strung up and lifeless. When do you think that might be, Tom? I mean, when Ben can fly?"

"I think he should fly with a medical attendant, like a physician's assistant, and I know of someone who would like to go to Inuvik for a vacation. Her name is Jackie James. She has an uncle who lives there. I think Ben should probably be ready in about three weeks. That will give us time to fully evaluate his condition."

"That's great, doc. Thank you. I couldn't have gotten through any of the last three weeks without you, that's for sure". Ray stood up, leaned over the desk and shook Tom's outstretched hand. Ray left and returned to Ben's room, to find him peacefully asleep, for a change, instead of restlessly tossing his head back and forth as if he was trying to dislodge the nightmare images of his ordeal. Ray dropped heavily into the comfortable chair he had drawn up next to Ben's bed. He looked at Ben's serene face and was startled when Ben's eyes suddenly opened and looked directly into his. "Hey, Ben," Ray said as he stood up and started to lean toward Ben. Ray was on Ben's right side and as he leaned closer, Ben cried out and Ray was knocked back by a powerful backhand from Ben's right hand. There was a loud thud when Ray hit the wall. A couple of nurses came hurrying in to see what was going on. Ben was shouting, "No, no, no!" and thrashing around as much as his hurt body would allow. One of the nurses gave Ben a shot and he soon fell asleep, again.

Dr. Summers was summoned to assess the situation and determined that Ben's right hand needed to be restrained in order to keep Ben from hurting anyone else. Ben's left arm was still in a sling that prevented movement of his injured shoulder. The sight of the leather cuff being placed on Ben's wrist made Ray surge forward and try to stop Nurse Evans. Tom took Ray by the shoulders and led him out of Ben's room. "Ray, come on, come on. Let me take a look at you. You're going to need stitches over your left eye."

"Does Ben have to be cuffed? It doesn't seem fair."

"I am afraid he does. You were lucky you didn't hit your head on the table or the chair arm and were seriously hurt. We have to protect those who are treating Ben."

Ray nodded sadly. Tom led Ray to a treatment room and took care of the results of Ben's violent attack against him. He knew that Ray's dedication to Ben's recovery was going to be sorely tested in the coming weeks.

Francesca was coming through the doors when Ray was leaving the hospital. She noticed right away the bandage over his left eye and exclaimed in concern, "Ray, what happened to you? You haven't been fighting with someone in the hospital, have you?"

"No, no, nothing like that, Fran." His voice was tense and on the edge of breaking. "Ben didn't know what he was doing. He thought I was one of his attackers, I guess. Fran, they had to tie him to the bed." Now, his voice did break. Francesca led him over to yet another set of hospital chairs and Francesca pushed Ray into one of the chairs. She kneeled in front of him, took both of his hands in both of hers, and looked him straight in the eye. "Ray, maybe you've taken on too much. Maybe you can't help Ben, have you ever thought of that? What's going to happen when you are alone with him in Inuvik?"

"Dr. Summers thinks we will know exactly where we stand with Ben's condition in three weeks or so. You know, Ben won't talk about what happened to him. I know he can't talk very well, but he always turns away whenever I try to get him to talk about it. I heard that that is a way of helping people with head injuries deal with it. I can't give up on helping him, Frannie. Especially since...since, well, he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me. I mean that, Fran, so stop talking me out of it. I have to try!" Ray touched the band-aid over his eye. "It's not that bad. It only took six stitches."

Francesca stood up. "Hey, bro, I am going to visit Ben. Then, I'll come to your apartment and we can have a good meal and talk some more. How's about pizza and beer?" Part of Ray wanted to refuse, but he realized that he was going to need help in order to help Ben, so he agreed.

The next day, Ray saw Lt. Welsh outside of Ben's room, talking to Dr. Summers. Welsh's expression was grim and Welsh happened to glance up to see Ray and looked a little embarrassed. "I guess you're talking about me, huh?" Ray asked as he came up to the two men.

"All good, detective," Welsh said. "Dr. Summers is going to move Ben to a room that will hold a bed for you and you will be allowed to eat in the employees' cafeteria. Dr. Summers thinks that you should start spending most of your time with Ben since that is what you will be doing in Inuvik. The thinking is that Ben will think of you as simply a part of his surroundings and reduce the possibility he will strike out at you."

"Ray, when Ben woke up, this morning, he wondered where you were and he was very disturbed he couldn't move his right hand. I explained to him what happened, yesterday, and he became very upset, I just want to warn you." Dr. Summers had placed his hand on Ray's forearm. "He doesn't want you to come visit him, anymore. I told him that would be entirely up to you. Go ahead and spend some time with him while we get the room ready for both of you. Do you concur with the premise for our decision about this, Ray"?

Again, Tom sounded so much like Ben, of course, he agreed with it and he was really pleased with the idea of being with Ben all of the time and really finding out for himself what Ben was suffering and what his limitations are going to be. There was only the question of calming Ben down about the stupid little thing that happened, yesterday, that wasn't even Ben's fault. Ray had startled him so what did he expect?

"One more thing, Ray", Welsh continued, "When you have time, I'll bring in the paperwork I need you to sign for your resignation and your application for a visa to go to Canada. Margaret is pulling some strings and getting you a work visa to be able to enter Canada as a caretaker for Ben. She is also taking care of Ben's retirement on disability from the RCMP. We don't really know what other problems Ben's going to have, but just the severe damage to his shoulder is going to keep him from performing the full duties of the RCMP. I've already talked to him about it and he seemed to understand." Welsh didn't turn away when his eyes filled with tears, after all he was losing both Ray and Ben and they had become not only an essential part of the success of the 27th Precinct, but good friends, too. The two men embraced. Dr. Summers excused himself and walked off down the hall. Ray was sucking some great comfort out of a bear hug from Welsh and he clung on a little too long, until the brusque, larger man cleared his throat and backed away.

Ray found himself alone at Ben's door. He stood on the threshold, peered into the room and realized he was a little gun-shy from yesterday's attack by the man he loved, especially now that Dr. Summers said Ben no longer wanted to see him. "Hey, Ben, how're ya doing?" He asked that from the doorway. Ben turned to look at him and started his hesitant way of talking, "Ray...please come...in. As you can...tell...my hand is secured to...the...uh...bed. I can't hurt you, again." Ben looked very dismal.

Ray sat down in his usual chair and used his arms to scoot it as close as possible to Ben's bed. "What's this about not wanting to see me anymore, Ben?"

Ben thought for a long while and then began to speak, "It's not just what...happened...was it, yesterday, Ray?" Ray nodded. "I have been thinking...you're wasting...your time...your life spending so much...time...with me." Ben was looking down at his restrained right hand when he was speaking, leading Ray to believe it had everything to do with what happened, yesterday.

"Ben, please, I need you to listen to me carefully. I haven't told you the full story of what the future holds for the both of us and I had better tell you, now, so you know where I am coming from. Tom, I mean, Dr. Summers, is going to let me stay at the hospital with you, so I don't have to go home to eat and sleep. I'm going to eat in the cafeteria and I heard the food is pretty good, there. I'll be eating better than you will. I can sneak you some, okay? In about three weeks, the doctors are going to finish their tests and know exactly what you are going to be able to do. I NEED to be with you, Ben, through all of this. I love you."

Ben was shaking his head, "No, Ray, you don't... love me. You're just...just...I'm sorry, I forgot what I ...was...going to say."

Ray patted Ben's restrained hand, trying to comfort him. He didn't think it would have been possible, but Ray could feel Ben's nerves straining away from Ray's touch. He quickly pulled his hand back and sat down. Ben closed his eyes and was either going to sleep or going to pretend to go to sleep. To Ray, it didn't matter which one it was, he was going to respect Ben's need to "leave the room" in the only way he could in his injured condition.

Nurse Evans came in, directing other members of the staff in getting Ben ready for the first evaluations of his condition and for the move to the new room. Ray went out in the hallway to keep out of everyone's way. Tom had told him where the employees' cafeteria was and had given him a badge to wear. Ray wanted to find out how good the coffee was. When he walked through the double doors, the first thing he noticed was a display of fruits and salad bar items, laid out just as if it was a fancy restaurant. All of the entrees and side dishes looked fresh. He knew he was going to be able to stick to his regimen of eating right, here. All he wanted was coffee, right now. He had bought a bag of M&M's on his way to the hospital and after choosing a Starbuck's French Roast, he dropped in a handful of candies, took a sip and sighed.

After relaxing with his delicious coffee, Ray went looking for Room 333, the room Tom told him Ben and he would be using. A fleeting thought of how much it was going to cost passed through his mind, and then he forgot about it. Both Ben's hospital bed and Ray's regular bed were facing the patio doors. Right now, the curtains were open. Snow was lightly falling, dusting the bare winter trees with white. The scene was peaceful and reminiscent of the time Ben and Ray spent looking for the "reaching out hand" of Franklin. It was the "adventure" which had solidified their friendship and their partnership. How could Ray have thrown it away so stupidly?

He was tiring himself out with too many thoughts of self-recrimination. He noticed Francesca must have packed a bag for him and it was sitting at the end of his bed. Ben was not in his room - he was undergoing the first tests by a team of experts to evaluate the problems Ben will be facing. It was only four o'clock, but Ray put on the sweats Frannie had packed and climbed under the covers of his bed. He propped himself up on the generous pillows placed at the head and simply stared out the window, hoping the white sparkling snow would wipe out the dark thoughts that kept crowding in.

The hospital aides rolled Ben back in at about 7 p.m. and made him comfortable in his hospital bed. Ray had fallen asleep. Ben was very, very tired from all the tests he had to undergo. He didn't protest or struggle when the aides, once again, placed the restraint on his right wrist. He could see plainly in the light from the lamps in the room the injury he had caused to Ray and knew he didn't want to take any chances that he would hurt Ray any further or anybody else. How was he going to let Ray go? How could he get Ray to let him go? He just couldn't accept that Ray's life was going to be ruined as well as his own.

There was a lot of testing done on the feeling in his legs. His legs were not paralyzed, but it was dj vu when he tried to walk with help. His legs would not function properly, just like when the "real Ray Vecchio" shot him as he was running to take the train to be with Victoria. He had nearly ruined Ray Vecchio's life and now he was on the verge of becoming a terrible burden to the man he loved. He couldn't let it happen. A test showed and as he well knew that his cognitive abilities were not very impaired, except he lost track of time and where he was, sometimes; but the head injury had made it difficult for him to express himself. It was dark outside, so the aides had closed the curtains after they had settled him in. Next, the nurses came in to feed him something which they called Chicken Surprise, another reminder of his previous stay in the hospital after he was shot. He held his breath with each bite and was able to swallow all of it. He wanted to get as well as possible. For Ray's sake. Ben was off the IV for pain and was now taking a milder pain reliever by mouth at bedtime. The nurses woke him up at 10 p.m. to give him that, then he went back to sleep after glancing over at Ray to see if he was still sleeping peacefully.

The morning found both men asleep; Ray had thrown off his covers as he wasn't used to the heated room of the hospital. A male nurse, Stefano, gently woke Ben up to get his morning dose of medication. When Ben opened his eyes, he began to struggle within the confines of his shoulder brace and restraints. He leaned as far to the left as he could go and cried out, "Please no more, no more!" Ray jumped up from his bed and confronted the nurse, "What IS going on? What are you doing to him?" He pushed Stefano away from Ben. The nurse was used to outbursts from patients and visitors and defused the situation by backing away and telling Ray that Ben was simply having another episode of mistaking those around him for his attackers. "Let me give him his pain medication and a relaxant, okay, Detective Vecchio? I'm sorry to upset both of you."

"Okay, okay. Sorry, sorry, I know you're only doing your job." Rat sat down heavily on his own bed, and then jumped up to open the curtains to look out on the day. There was about two inches of snow on the ground. The sun was out and the snow sparkled. He sat down on one of the two chairs that were also facing outside, just at the foot of the beds. Ray looked out and tried to hypnotize himself into a great state of calm before looking back at Ben. Stefano was talking quietly to Ben, telling him what was going to happen in the next few hours. Ben glanced over at Ray with tears in his eyes. It looked like he was trying to hold them back by blinking hard.

"Detective, I was just telling Ben that we won't be using the gurney, anymore, to take him to his tests. We're going to use a wheelchair and we're going to see if we can start helping him get out of bed and to the bathroom. I'm going to need your help, Ray. Do you mind if I call you "Ray"?

"No, that's great. I'm not a detective any longer, anyway."

At this, Ben's glance at Ray turned into a penetrating stare and his mouth was opening and closing, but no words were coming out. "What, Ben?"

"What...mean....what happened...not a...?"

"Take it easy, guy, okay. You mean, why am I not a detective, anymore? I've got a lot of money saved `cause you know as well as I do that I never had anything to spend my money on and we're going to live in Inuvik when you're ready to travel. I'm looking forward to it. Yeh, I am. I am sick of Chicago and the violence and my father was right, being a cop is just like being a meat-packer; you get a stink on you that don't ever go away."

"But...Inu...vik, Ray?"

"I know, sometimes, you were real worried about me on our adventure, but we're going to be renting a cabin that was fixed up by some rich people - it's got everything we're going to need to be comfortable and it's where you need to be, Ben, to be able to get over all of this shit that has happened to you and I want to be there to help you. I love you."

Stefano was waiting to see if Ray had finished and when it seemed he had said everything he wanted to say, he asked, "Ray, let's help Ben get up. I'm pretty sure it's going to feel good for him to get out of lying down all the time. The tests showed that the injuries to his back damaged some of the same muscles and nerves that were damaged by the bullet that is still there. The bullet shifted just a little more toward the spine, so it is too dangerous to remove, still. With a lot of work and physical therapy, like he had to go through before, Ben will be able to walk, again. So, we might as well get started. Ben, if you feel too much pain from your other injuries, let us know, and we'll put you back in bed, okay?"

Ben nodded and seemed eager to get out of bed and was straining to do so, forgetting his right hand was cuffed to the bed. Stefano released his hand and eased Ben to a sitting position. "Everything alright, so far?" Ben nodded, again. Ray had moved to Ben's left side and was stymied by the shoulder brace as to how to hold onto Ben while they walked with him. Stefano saw Ray's difficulty, removed the brace and asked Ben to move his arm. Ben did so and said, "It...feels...alright...I...I...don't think...Ray will hurt...me."

The three men were successful at helping Ben and all three were grinning when they came back into the room. "Chair...okay?" Ben asked. "By window." Stefano left the two men alone after miming to Ray out of Ben's sight whether Ray wanted Ben restrained in the chair and Ray emphatically shook his head no.

Ray sat down in the chair next to Ben and they both looked out onto the radiant snow. Ben couldn't help but think about the time when he was recovering from the gunshot wound and was looking out a hospital window with Ray Vecchio. Ray had been shot, as well, protecting Ben from a doctor who was definitely intent on doing harm to her lover. Ben had used his own body to protect her victim and Ray stepped in front of Ben. Friends. Partners. Ray Kowalski was his friend and partner. How much of a friend was Ben if he let Ray throw away his career to care for him? That's not buddies, as Ray would say. If Ben truly loved Ray, and he did, he won't let him do it, but he couldn't think of a way to tell Ray. But not right now. He was enjoying Ray's quiet company too much.

In the next few days, Ben was usually being wheeled to various tests and rehabilitation and Ray spent his time watching television in a common room with other long-term visitors. While he was there, he saw a book a child must have left behind - "The Complete Tales and Poems of Winnie-the-Pooh". He absentmindedly picked it up and carried it back to their room after getting a delicious dinner at the cafeteria. He carried away as much as he could without being detected to supplement Ben's hospital food diet. Ben was almost like a little kid when he would see Ray coming back from the cafeteria, looking expectantly at Ray's pockets to see what would come out of them.

Tom was in the room, sitting on Ray's bed, talking to Ben. He got up when Ray came in and made room for Ray, then they both sat down. "I was just telling Ben the results of all the evaluations we have been conducting. Stefano told me the success you are having with helping Ben walk and that situation will only improve with time and some effort on Ben's part. The tests were inconclusive whether Ben will become as articulate as he used to be." He turned back to address Ben, "We know that your understanding is not impaired. You know you've had several incidences where you lose contact with your surroundings which is why we had to restrain you. We're going to trust those will become few and far between. The staff has been informed to keep their distance when waking you up until they are sure you recognize them. Same goes for you, Ray. Your left shoulder is healing very well and you will have physical therapy on that, too."

"Ray's going to learn all he needs to know to help you in Inuvik, which I understand has good medical facilities and your sister lives there, so she can give Ray a break when he needs it. Your old friend, Buck Frobisher, has called me several times to find out how you are doing, Ben, and he says he doesn't move around as well as he used to, but he can certainly keep you company, if you want it."

Ben realized, then, that everything was moving inexorably toward Ray and him going to Inuvik. He found he was looking forward very much to seeing Maggie nearly every day, playing chess with Buck and being back in Canada, in the Northwest Territories. Oh, yes, and the man he loved, loved him and they would be together.

Dr. Summers was speaking, again, "Ben, Ben, Ben?"

"Uh...yes?"

"I was just telling Ray that, right now, as you found out, you are not able to read and we are going to do a few more tests to find out why and what can be done about it."

"Chess, doc...?"

"Your chest?"

"No, ...play chess?"

"Oh, yes, I think so. Chess pieces are objects, not words, and since you can reason well, that should be no problem. Okay, I think we've covered most of it. Goodnight, gentlemen."

When Tom was gone, Ray reached in his pockets and pulled out a banana, an apple, a handful of cold tater tots, two muffins and a container of milk and put them on Ben's table. Ben smiled broadly and began stuffing a muffin in his mouth.

Then, Ray remembered the book he found. "Hey, Ben, I found a book that I think would be fun for me to read to you. Should I?" Ben nodded and continued to eat the goodies Ray had brought.

"Chapter One, In Which, We Are Introduced to Winnie-the-Pooh and Some Bees, and the Stories Begin," Ray began to read.

With a mouth full of banana, Ben asked, "Who?"

Ray had forgotten that Ben was given only books for his birthday and even when he was very young, probably was never given a children's book. He began to feel very pleased with himself. "You'll find out, Benny." "Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it." At that moment, Ray heard a sound he hadn't heard in a very, very long time - the sound of Ben laughing.