Disclaimer: Standard Disclaimer. I'm returning them in slightly used condition. Nearly new. Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@yahoo.com.

Author's Notes: One of the first things I promised myself when I started reading and writing slash was that I wasn't going to write a rape story. Well, I guess I broke that promise, 'cause here it is. The rape takes place before the story starts and there is no graphic replay. This is not a glorification of rape. This is a story about its aftermath.
Many thanks to the pit/beta crew of Catherine, Shannon, and Kathleen.
Sorry for the lame joke. Personally I thought it was funny the first time I heard it.

Story Notes:

PART ONE: THE MIDDLE

Benton Fraser couldn't remember having had a longer day. From the first minute of his full-day shift, he had been answering phone calls, filling out paperwork, and standing sentry. This kind of work was exhausting because it was all rather dull. Finally the clock rang, Ray picked him up, and he begged off dinner to go home and relax.

He wearily climbed the two flights of stairs and walked down to the door of his end -of-the-hall apartment, noticing that Dief was becoming excited. He opened the door and almost tripped over the wolf as he raced inside. Stepping into the kitchen, he set water to boil on the stove. A good cup of tea was just what he needed. He followed Dief into the living room, loosening the straps to his uniform. He walked straight to the closet and took of his tunic, not noticing what had Dief so excited until a throat cleared behind him. He turned around in surprise.

"Hey, Benny."

"Ray!" He was unable to believe what he was seeing. He hugged the slim Italian and barely noticed the slight hesitation before he was hugged back.

Having Ray near him, he was powerless to stop himself from kissing Ray. But it was okay because Ray was kissing him back. Ray. Was. Kissing. Him. Back. The kisses became longer and deeper until Ray pulled away breathlessly. They stood there in silence for several minutes, just touching and reconnecting as Dief pranced around excitedly until Fraser whispered in Ray's ear, "I love you."

Ray stiffened immediately and pulled away looking horrified. "You can't. No, you can't." He muttered.

Ben took a step closer but Ray backed away until he reached the door. With a swing of the door, he was out of the apartment before Ben had time to think.

His first thought was to berate himself for rushing things and possibly ruining the best friendship he'd ever had, but then he realized that while it was cold outside, Ray had left both his jacket and his car keys behind. Grabbing Ray's jacket and one for himself, he left to find Ray. Having no idea where Ray could have gone, it was up to Dief to find him. He followed Dief as the wolf followed Ray's meandering path, and realized that they were heading for the park.

Ray was sitting on a park bench, staring straight ahead. He wrapped Ray's jacket around him and gently grasped Ray's hand, pulling him up. Walking Ray back to the apartment, he whispered comforting and soothing words into his ear while holding him close with one arm. His words didn't seem to have any effect on Ray at first, but by the time they made it back to the apartment he was leaning slightly into Ben's side.

Ray had been back for an entire week, but had spent almost all of his time with Fraser. Ecstatic to have Ray back, Ben hadn't forgotten the incident from that first night. He'd been caught up in bringing Ray back and making sure that he was okay, and so had postponed cross-examining him for an explanation. But it had been a full week, and Ray appeared no closer to a spontaneous explanation. It wasn't like Fraser to be blunt or to the point, but he'd had plenty of time to sort out his priorities while Ray was gone, and being there for whatever Ray wanted, needed or just desired had been pushed to the very top of the list. Besides, it was obvious that something was wrong, and he needed to find out before it blew Ray apart. "Ray, why did you react the way you did when I said, 'I love you'?"

He felt almost exonerated in his concern when Ray knew exactly what he was referring to.

"Benny. I know you care about me. But-"

"Yes, I care about you, and yes, I love you."

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

"I don't want to use you, Benny."

"You're not."

"Yes, I am. I'd be using you just to not be alone anymore."

"Ray, you aren't using me. I'm choosing to love you, nobody's making me do anything, especially not you."

"I would be. There are things you just don't know, Benny. You don't know-"

"Ray, you can tell me anything. It's not going to change how I feel about you."

"It'll change everything. I can't."

"Ray, I love you. That's all that matters to me. If and when you're ready to tell me, I'm ready to listen, but it isn't going to change how I feel. I promise."

"Nothing?" He snapped, a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob. "You sure about that?"

Something told him to be very careful now. For all his bravado, Ray looked like he could shatter if the wind blew the wrong way. "I'm sure."

Ray looked at him appraisingly. "Guess what, Fraser. I was raped." He smiled painfully, waiting for a response.

Ben's jaw dropped and he was stunned speechless.

"What, no sweet nothings now?" he sneered. His breath was now coming in gasps as he teetered on the edge of breaking down.

"Ray. Oh, god, Ray. I'm sorry." Taking a step toward Ray, he was appalled when Ray took a haltering step back, not wanting to see the derision and loathing he knew would be there.

"It's okay now." He couldn't bear Ray's harsh breathing as he stepped closer.

Ray fought his embrace as he tried to hold back his sobs, but soon he collapsed, letting Fraser take his weight as they slumped onto the bed. He was clutching Ben's jacket in his fists. "I was raped, Benny. He raped me."

Fraser rocked him as he cried, whispering his love even as he doubted Ray was listening. "You're safe, Ray. I'm right here. No one's going to hurt you."

Slowly Ray's sobs quieted and he lay still, forehead lowered to rest on Fraser's chest. Finally he looked up in vulnerable shyness.

Ben wiped his face gently and stopped rocking him. Looking straight into pained, swollen eyes, he said. "I love you."

Ray searched his face, seemingly captivated by the emotions there as he traced Ben's features. When Ray closed his eyes and shuddered, Ben lay them both out on the bed, falling asleep only after Ray had.

He was alone and it was dark. It was quiet, too quiet. Even now he should have been able to hear Nero moving around. He must have gone to bed early, Ray thought. He blinked as the door opened, letting in bright light. As his eyes adjusted, he recognized the man in the light-

Sitting up suddenly, he clawed for air. Temporarily tangled in the bed sheets he fell on the floor, barely making it to the bathroom in time to throw up. His stomach kept twisting and turning gainlessly, bringing up nothing. His shirt was too tight, too restricting, and he ripped it off. The undershirt reminded him of Benny, neat and white and pure . . . unlike . . . it was yanked off. He didn't notice the two scratches he caused, right at his clavicle, in his haste to get it off. As he pulled at his trousers, the button came off, bouncing delicately on the linoleum before stopping. He almost fell over taking off his socks, but stopped himself in time only by catching the corner of the sink counter with his hand.

Bypassing the shower gel that was obviously a gift from Frannie, he grabbed a bar of soap and began scrubbing his skin. When his chest and arms were red with scrubbing, he tried to take off his briefs but couldn't bring himself to touch himself that closely. He didn't want to see the marks he could still feel.

The hot water ran out eventually, and when it did, he sank down and let the cold water rain on him. He was shivering by the time he made it out of the shower. He stepped out and caught his reflection in the mirror. Embarrassed by the way he looked, turned off the light, and, closing his eyes pulled off his briefs.

It took several deep breaths and twenty minutes before he had pulled himself together enough to step outside the bathroom, wrapped in three towels. Dief brushed against his legs as he stepped out, but Fraser wasn't awake. Relieved he pulled on new clothes.

In the morning Fraser noticed the change of clothing, but, unsure of its meaning, didn't comment

"Are you ready, Ray?" Ben asked the closed bathroom door.

Seconds later, Ray stepped out hesitantly. "I think so. Does this look all right?"

"You're asking me? Are you sure I'm qualified to judge? You've often commented that my uniform resembles that of a doorman-" His attempt at humor fell rather flat to his own ears. "You look fine, Ray. Your family wants to see you. I don't think it will matter to them what you wear."

"I know. I'm just - nervous. I haven't seen them in a long time, Benny. What if they're upset?"

"They won't be. Your mother and your sisters understood why you went." He decided to make sure Ray was clear on everything. "We all understood, Ray. We just worried."

"I'm sorry I worried you."

"You're back now. It doesn't matter. I love you and your family loves you, Ray. No matter what."

There was much celebration when they entered the Vecchio home. Ray was passed around from person to person for hugs, beginning with his mother, who declared the need to fatten him up again.

Throughout their arrival and all during dinner, Ray looked overwhelmed. At first Fraser believed it was simply that Ray had grown unaccustomed to close interactions during his time undercover. But Ray had grown up surrounded by these people, had lived with them for most of his life, had introduced them to Fraser by stating that "they only attack the ones they love." This was unlike the Ray that he knew.

They were sitting in the living room drinking coffee when Ray pulled him aside.

"Benny? Can we go home?"

Fraser didn't miss Ray's choice of words. Home was now the apartment, not the Vecchio home. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just - I - "

"All right, Ray. We'll go home. Okay?"

They drove back to the apartment, and he put Ray and himself to bed. It was a long time before Ray fell asleep that night. It was even longer before Ben was able to stop watching him sleep.

"Good morning, Ray."

Ray grunted over his coffee.

"Do you have any plans for the day?"

"Not really."

"Your welcome to stop by the Consulate -"

"Fraser. I don't need babysitting. I'm not an invalid, you know."

"I know that, Ray. I love you. I just worry."

"Yeah. Whatever."

For a moment he was upset at Ray's continued belief that he didn't mean what he was saying. He tried to explain. "When I was with Victoria-"

Not surprisingly, the mention of Victoria made Ray angry. "I'm not her. If you can't tell the difference then maybe this isn't worth it."

"That's not what I-" the door slammed, "-meant."

Ray came back minutes later. "Why don't I ever learn to keep my big mouth shut?"

Ben was lost. "I'm sorry?"

"You weren't saying what I thought you were saying, were you."

"I don't believe so, no. I'm sorry, Ray, but I have to go to the Consulate. Are you going to be okay here by yourself?"

"I'll be fine." Uncertainly Ray kissed him and headed to the bedroom as Fraser left.

"Lie to me, Benny. Tell me it's going to be okay." Ray sighed.

Outside the door, Ben paused a moment. He'd just found his home again. He couldn't lose Ray now.

PART TWO: THE BEGINNING

At work, he pondered what to do as he completed the minutiae of his duties. After an hour of guard duty he had an idea. When Turnbull relieved him, he set about his plan. With typical Mountie thoroughness, all the pieces fell into place quickly. He couldn't wait to get home and give Ray his surprise. A new Riv was guaranteed to cheer him up. When he walked into his apartment, it was to the sound of Ray yelling. Dief was in the corner, studiously ignoring Ray. "What's going on, Ray?"

"Your stupid wolf ate my doughnut and got hair all over me, that's what's going on."

"Oh dear. Let me get the lint brush." He walked around Ray, heading for the drawer.

"I don't need the stinking lint brush! I need you to give me some space!"

"I'm sorry, Ray."

"Quit saying that, would you! There's nothing wrong with me!"

Fraser decided to change the subject. "Are you hungry? I thought we might go out to dinner."

"I already made dinner! Like you care!" He picked up a dish from the counter and threw it to the floor. At the sound of the breaking dish Ray gasped. He began hyperventilating and his skin was pale.

Fraser reached for him, and Ray backed away. He placed a hand on Ray's arm, worried as he felt the cool, clammy skin and the racing heartbeat. "Ray, why don't you sit down?" He murmured quietly.

Tense moments later, Ray blinked and looked him in the face for the first time. "What happened?"

"The dish fell and broke."

Ray giggled. "You mean I threw it on the floor and freaked when it broke."

"Why were you so mad, Ray? Dief's eaten your doughnuts before and it's definitely not the first time he's gotten hairs on your slacks."

"I don't know, Benny. I don't know why I was so mad. I was just angry and then, and then the dish broke and the sound- the sound was just . . ."

"The sound?"

Ray was shivering. "The sound was just like the dinner tray falling to the floor when, when I was, I was trying to fight him and I couldn't get him off and it was so loud and the plate broke and -"

He wrapped his arms tightly around Ray and hung on. "It's all right Ray. It's all right. It was just a plate. It's okay. It doesn't matter."

Ray pulled away after a little while. "What are you doing home? Weren't you going to have to stay late today?"

"My plans changed. I have a surprise for you, Ray."

"Yeah? What is it?"

"Here." It was a small box, simply wrapped in plain paper. Fraser fought a grin, anticipating Ray's reaction to the contents of the box.

Contrary to his expectations, Ray slowly and neatly unwrapped and opened the box, pulling out a set of keys. "Keys?"

He nodded. "Keys."

"All right, keys to what?"

"Take a look." He pointed toward the window.

"A Riv? Uh, thanks Benny."

"Ray? You don't like it? I thought since the last one-"

"Nah, Benny. I like it. Really. It's nice."

"You can use it when you go back to work or to visit your family."

Ray turned away from him. "Sure. Thanks."

"Ray? Wouldn't you like to see your family? They're worried about you."

"What do you mean? Has someone said something? Did you tell them? Do you want me to leave?"

He didn't really know how to respond to Ray's panic. "No. No. I only meant that if you were ready we could go visit. They love you."

"You think I'm scared to see them? That's it isn't it. You think that I can't handle seeing them because-"

"Ray, Ray. Ray! Calm down." He tried to be soothing.

"I'm fine, Fraser. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Of course not. It just seemed that you were avoiding them. Francesca was worried that-"

"What were you doing with my sister?"

"Nothing. We were just talking."

"Talking? Yeah right! I'm going to bed!"

Exasperated and confused and exhausted, Ben went to take a shower. He hesitated about getting into the bed afterwards, but Ray seemed to be asleep, curling up at the very edge of the bed. Still lost, he fell asleep.

It wasn't noise or movement that woke him up. One moment he was asleep, and the next he was blinking at the ceiling. As conscious thought returned, he checked on Ray.

Ray, who was flat on his back, body held stiffly away from Fraser's. Ray, whose hands were grasping the sheets at his sides, breathing shallowly and quickly. Ray, whose jaw was clenched and whose eyes were squeezed shut.

"What's wrong, Ray? His own voice startled him in the silence and he dropped to a whisper.

"I don't know, Benny. What's wrong with me? Why did I go off on you like that?"

"I don't know, Ray. Maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you more than I can."

"You mean like a shrink." Ray said dully.

"A psychiatrist, yes. You don't have to handle this on your own, Ray. I'm here for whatever you need, but maybe you would do better to talk to someone who can do more." He put everything he had into his expression, hoping that Ray would see that he only wanted to help.

Maybe it showed, because Ray sighed. "Maybe. Can we go tomorrow? I'd rather get this over with as soon as possible."

"Of course, Ray. Whatever you'd like."

"Um. I'd like to - never mind." His hands fluttered against the sheet.

Fraser could sense a battle in Ray. Hoping that he wasn't wrong, he scooted closer to Ray, giving him plenty of time to protest.

With a soft sigh Ray melted into him. "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up, Benny."

"Oh Ray." He could feel tears building in his eyes at the changes in Ray. Everything would be okay. It had to be.

I can't afford to sleep. Take a good look at me, Benny. There's nothing here. I'm just empty and hollow. I can't even feel what I know I should. Most of the time it's like I'm feeling everything through water.

"Please have a seat, Mr. Vecchio. I'm Shannon Young."

"Thanks, Doc." He sat stiffly, not quite comfortable.

Dr. Young looked over her client during the clinical interview. She usually preferred a more casual setting, but in her experience the first meeting was the key. She had his preliminary information: his name was Raymond Vecchio, he was a cop, address, phone number, etc., but she asked for the information again. He seemed well educated, not shy but not in-your-face, and he seemed to be sad and trying to hide it. A surface glance would have revealed little beyond what he wanted anyone to see. Her trained eyes picked out the slight slump of his shoulders, the wrinkles in the otherwise impeccable Armani, the small flinch when discussing his recent work, and the stress lines around the eyes and forehead.

"So, Detective, is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

"Ray, please. I don't want this going anywhere near my work. Is that okay?"

"We can do that, as long as I don't feel that you're a threat to yourself or those around you. Anything else you say or do here is confidential."

"Promise?"

Obviously he needed the reassurance. A small part of her wondered at his lack of cynicism about people. As a cop he still trusted her word? Unusual, to say the least. "I promise you."

"Thanks, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but this is personal. I don't want anyone else to know."

That at least was normal. "All right, Ray."

"A few months ago, I had to go undercover. And I-I don't really think I'm handling it very well. Little things keep making me go back. I can't relax even when I'm alone. I'm afraid to go back to work or spend time with my family because I keep freaking at little things. Benny and I were going to dinner and I saw someone wearing the same kinds of clothing coming toward me and I panicked. If I keep doing that, he's going to think it's him, and I don't want to hurt him and-"

"Slow down. Who's Benny? A friend?"

"The best. He's my best friend and my partner and-"

"Officially?"

"No, he's a Mountie. But we work on cases together. Have since the very beginning. If it wasn't for him, I don't know where I'd be." He sighed before continuing. "It feels like we've always been best friends. I mean, he's really weird, 'cause he's Canadian, but he didn't mind the way I acted. After a while I realized that I loved him like family."

His next statement surprised her in its honesty. "Somewhere along the way, I realized that I was also in love with him."

"In love? You mean romantically rather than platonically, correct?"

"Well, yeah. That's not a problem for you or anything, right?"

"Not at all. Homosexuality was removed from the DSM by the fourth edition and it is no longer a recognized disorder in and of itself. Of course, that doesn't mean that mental health professionals are any more open minded than the public. Ignorance and hatred can be found at all levels."

"What's the DSM?"

"Sorry. The DSM is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association. Essentially, it's a listing of all the recognized psychiatric disorders and how to diagnose them. So what happened when you realized that you were in love with your friend?"

He nodded. "That's when I found out about the undercover stuff. I was scared. I didn't know what to do about Benny, so I took the job while he was on vacation. I knew he'd think it was something he'd done, so I sent him a postcard." He turned to face her and looked her directly in the eye. "His mother died when he was really young, and his father was always away, so his grandparents took care of him. I didn't want to be just another person abandoning him. I thought that with some time away, I could gain some perspective." His eyes pulled away from her as his body withdrew deeper into the chair. "I was pulled because my cover was at risk. As far as anyone knows, it was in time."

"But in reality?"

"One of the guys, he recognized me. I arrested his brother when I was in uniform and I guess he remembered me. He didn't say anything at the time, but-"

She winced in sympathy as his voice broke.

He took a deep breath and continued again. "But he came to see me later. Told me that he knew who I was and what I was doing there. He said that if I didn't give him what he wanted, he would tell everyone that I was a cop." A tear ran down his face, but Ray didn't notice.

Trying to remain professional when all she wanted to do was hug the man, Dr. Young had to ask. "What was it he wanted?"

He laughed harshly. "He wanted to fuck a cop. Like it was just on his to-do list for the day. Pick up the dry cleaning, pay the electric bill and fuck a cop."

"Here's a quarter, call someone who cares!" Ray tossed the coin over his shoulder as he flew out of the room. Six minutes later however, his anger had fled, leaving him exhausted. Ben had not followed him into the bedroom, so he went back out to apologize.

He was still standing by the window, just staring out with a frown on his face. As Ray came back into the room, Fraser raised one hand onto the cold glass where Ray's reflection lay. "I'm sorry, Ray."

"It's not you, you know. Talking about it just hurts."

Ben shrugged. "I can't help."

"You do help. It's just that sometimes, I -"

"All I know is that you're hurting, and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"I wish I could stop it. But I can't. You can't either." Now he was the one hesitating about touching his lover, wondering if his motion would be rejected. Slowly he made his way to stand behind Fraser. "And you do help. Things make more sense when you say them sometimes." He moved up a bit until he could feel the warmth of Ben's body over his front and the chill of the window on his side. He was grateful to feel Fraser lean back, and he wrapped his arms around him.

Knowing that Ray's appointment had been set for early that morning, Ben waited until late in the afternoon to speak to the counselor about him. "Excuse me, Dr. Young? I'm Benton Fraser. May I speak to you for a moment? It's about a patient of yours, Ray Vecchio."

"I'm sorry, I can't," she began automatically. "...Benton Fraser, you would be Benny, then?"

"Yes, ma'am. Do you have a moment so we could talk?"

"Follow me." She led him into her office, and closed the door gently. "What can I do for you?"

"This is very difficult for me, as I'm sure it must be difficult for Ray."

"Yes. These things usually are. Ray's doing remarkably well, though, considering."

"I just don't know how to help him. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I want to support him but nothing I do seems to help at all."

"I can't speak of anything he has told me, except to say that he knows you're trying and that's about all you can do. This is something he has to work through on his own, and that's the problem. See, sometimes the truth is buried so deep, and for so long, that when it finally comes out you can't recognize it. He spent his whole life thinking that he didn't control anything. When he became a cop, he felt he had gained the ability to control his own choices and decisions, but in one second he feels like all of that was shattered beyond repair." Dr. Young paused for a moment to think about how to explain things.

"The world has certain rules, laws if you will, that must be followed, but there are always exceptions. As a cop you hear things, see things that are unimaginable, indescribable. You just don't expect to be the victim. Psychologically, as an observer, you maintain a degree of separateness; hence the situation is avoidable. You can pretend it didn't happen, block it out. Sometimes you just need somebody to touch, to hold, so you can make believe that what you saw didn't happen, that the world still follows the rules you've always believed in. When it happens to you, that's impossible. You can't escape the fact that it happened except by losing yourself. Hiding from reality entirely."

"I think I understand, but I still have some concerns. He's not the man I know. He's different."

"Can you give me some examples?"

"Sometimes he's fine, but at other times he flinches when I touch him. He still wakes up most nights with nightmares and holds on tightly like he thinks I'm going to leave."

"Nightmares are the mind's way of making you deal with those things in short segments. Eventually they will decrease in frequency and intensity. For now the best thing you can do is be there for him, both at night and in the day. Reassure him that it's over. Hold him, touch him, whatever he seems to need or tells you he wants. If you're uncomfortable with something, tell him. It doesn't have to be much, just hugs, cuddling, etc., anything he's ready for. Don't push, let him decide what he wants to do. Let him back out if he goes farther than he's ready to."

"Of course. I would never make him do anything he didn't want to."

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. I meant that he may say he's ready for the next step, but if you notice he is becoming agitated or overly nervous, you have to stop. He may argue with you to prove to himself that he's fine, but you have to listen to what he's really saying through body language. Keep talking to him and let him know that it's okay for him to stop and back out. Let him know you're there and you'll always be there."

"As long as he wants me to be. I love him."

"He has to feel that he's safe now, that it's okay to be alive. Having someone hold your hand is wonderful therapy in cases like this. Especially someone you trust."

"Ray?" Ben stepped into the bathroom.

"Yeah?" He answered, but didn't look up from scrubbing grout between sea foam tiles.

"Could you do something for me?" He smiled as Ray climbed out of the bathtub and cracked his back.

"That feels so much better. What can I do you for?"

"Would you mind walking Dief?"

"Sure. Why don't you go convince him, and I'll clean up a bit."

"Thank you kindly." Pleased that his plan was working, he still had one more request to make.

"I know you've already had a walk today, but I'm asking you to go again."

The wolf looked unconvinced.

"For Ray?"

Dief whined and licked his face.

"Thank you, Diefenbaker." Ray came out of the bedroom before he could say anything further. Dief would take care of Ray, though. He was sure of that.

It was interesting, trying to walk without thinking. He had no intended path, letting Dief walk him, really. They'd only been walking for six minutes when it happened.

"Vecchio? Is that you?"

Looking up, he fought the urge to cross the street and disappear. "Huey."

"Hey, man. It's been a while."

"Yeah."

"When are you coming back?"

He shrugged. There was an awkward pause in the conversation until Dief began signaling his intent to keep walking. "I have to go."

"Sure. Good seeing you. Bye Dief."

"Bye, Huey."

Jack Huey watched man and wolf walk away, the wolf walking the man, and sighed. Something was wrong with Ray, and he was going to find out what.

PART THREE: THE END

Exhausted, he let gravity push him to a seat on the couch; leaning back until his head hit the fabric, he closed his eyes. He felt the movement of the cushion indicating that Fraser had also sat down. He shifted a little until he could feel the warmth of Ben's body along his side, but didn't open his eyes. Gradually relaxing, he fell asleep.

When he woke up, his first thought was that the bowl of fruit on the coffee table was sideways. Realizing that he was horizontal, he became aware of a warm thigh pillowing his head, and a gentle hand brushing through what was left of his hair. He turned over, and looked up as Fraser looked down at him.

"Why didn't you wake me up? Your legs must be asleep by now." Worried, he started to get up.

Fraser placed a hand on his chest to stop him. "I'm fine, Ray. Besides, you needed the sleep."

I'm going back to work. Otherwise he's going to drive me crazy. I've gotten used to talking to him while he's at work and I'm alone. And I know it's only in my mind, that I'm talking to myself and not to him, but I've gotten used to him replying. I hold entire conversations with him where I tell him anything that pops in my head. I have to stop doing that or one day I'll really tell him more than he wants to know.

I figure that as much as he wants to know, to help me, there are levels of detail that he doesn't really want or need to know, you know?

Listen to me; I sound like him now. You know, that I know, that he knows, that there are things he really doesn't want to know. I think I need some breathing room. Or something.

"Vecchio! What are you doing back? Here to finally start doing your own paperwork?"

"Huey! Just the man I could'a gone without seeing. This your partner?"

"Tom Dewey, the original Ray Vecchio. Before the 'New and Improved' version."

"Hey man, you want to hear a joke?"

Ray sighed. "Lay it on me."

"A guy walks into a bar. Once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to the left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." the guy asks, "Why TIMEX?" The fella proudly replies, "cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man on his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job number 1", he then adds, "Have you driven a FORD lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why SECRET?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

Ray laughed. "You know Dewey, that one was actually funny in a tell-it-again-and-you're-dead kind of way." Still grinning he went in search of Welsh.

Huey smiled. Things were back to normal now, or as close as they ever got at the station.

He was running late; something he never did. He was supposed to meet Ray at the station at ten and it was already three minutes past. He entered his apartment quickly.

There, curled up on the bed shivering, was Ray. His back to the wall, Ray almost looked like he was sleeping.

"Ray, what happened?" He walked over to the bed, astonished as Ray flinched. As he came nearer, Ray tried to become part of the wall. Cautiously he approached the bed, crouching down to appear smaller, all the while speaking very slowly and softly trying to draw Ray out. He managed to sit on the bed and Ray froze.

Knowing that he needed to be gentle and avoid startling Ray, he began stroking Ray's hand with his thumb. That seemed to work well so he moved a little closer. In doing so the bed creaked, surprising them both. He thought he'd gone too fast when Ray moved but it was only to grasp his hand desperately. Rather than lose circulation in his fingers, he waited a moment before interlocking their fingers.

He continued murmuring softly and stroking gently until about fifteen minutes later he had managed to get Ray to move from against the wall to his side. Ray's head was on his chest and he used one hand to rub Ray's back as Ray began to relax.

He pressed his cheek to Ray's head. The hair that was left was soft, smelling of shampoo and cologne. Ray sighed and he took that as a means of communication. "Okay now?"

"Better, yeah. Thanks, Benny." One hand fluttered above his chest nervously.

He moved to hold the jittery hand, bringing it to a standstill. "You're welcome. I love you."

A small smile appeared. "I'm okay now. It just snuck up on me." The smile disappeared and Ray dropped his eyes.

Ben knew that he was about to say something that was difficult. He tried to send out signals of support.

"Um, I got my test results back today."

No! Oh God! He was panicking. Knew it but was powerless to stop. Ray needed him to be strong, but how could he live without Ray? He could feel tears running down his face and he wanted to stop crying, ordered himself to stop, but he couldn't. A grown man, a Mountie, should -- couldn't cry. But his reserves had been totally depleted since Ray had first told him anything.

He needed Ray. And Ray was going to be taken away! What could he do? How would he survive the loss of Ray? Why would he want to . . .

Ray was surprised when the tears ran down Fraser's cheeks. "I'm sorry, Benny. Just give me a second and I'll, uh, be out of your way, an uh . . . " he was close to tears himself. He had hoped for too much. The mere mention of test results had shown Fraser how much trouble Ray could be and now he had lost the best thing in his life, the only thing that had made the rape bearable.

As if they were coming through a dense fog, Ray's words finally reached him. Leaving? Ray was leaving? Now? Were the results that bad? Was Ray that sick? The only thing holding him together at this point was the possibility of Ray's immediate departure. If he had only a short time left, he couldn't let Ray go. Ever. "No, Ray. Please, let me take care of you. Please! I'll do whatever I need to do to take care of you. Just tell me how bad it is. It doesn't matter. I want to be there for you."

Now he really was crying. "I don't know. I haven't opened it yet; I couldn't. I sat down and tried to open it but my hands wouldn't work and then I remembered and, and then I couldn't!"

Finally on the same page, it took a few minutes of comforting and convincing from Fraser to satisfy Ray that he wouldn't be alone, but he was still unable to make himself open the envelope. With Ray's urging Fraser agreed to open the letter and he quickly scanned the short message inside.

Trembling, he hugged Ray tightly, whispering one word over and over as they both cried themselves to sleep. "Negative."

Although they were both exhausted, Ray woke up only a few hours later. Realizing that he wasn't going to be able to sleep, Ray sighed. At this point he didn't even have to ask if Fraser was awake. Somehow he always knew when Ray was awake, especially when it involved nightmares or flashbacks. "I'm sorry I woke you." I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. The words were missing but the message was delivered nonetheless.

"Ray, do you remember when Victoria returned?" He was squeamish about bringing her up, but he knew of no other way to truly convince Ray of his commitment.

"How could I forget?" Icicles were dripping from each word like dried blood.

"It took me a long time before I truly believed that you had forgiven me for betraying you."

This really got a reaction as Ray turned over and looked at him. "Betraying me? Benny, I shot you in the back. I could have killed you."

"No, Ray. Leaving with her would have killed me. And beyond all of that you stuck by me at great risk and harm to yourself. You mortgaged your house for me. You lied to everyone about what I said after I was shot and you stayed with me through everything. That's much more than I deserve."

"But Benny-"

He refused to let Ray blame himself. "And when we first met, trying to find my father's killers, you found me at the diner and took me home to your family. At Drake's apartment, you saved my life even though you barely knew me. You've been taking care of me ever since we met. The least I can do is return the favor now." He made sure he had Ray's full attention before continuing. "I love you. That means that I am willing to do whatever it takes. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. Not because I have to but because I want to. Because you are the most important person in my life. Always. Do you understand?"

"Benny, I'm not worth-"

"I don't ever want to hear you say anything like that again. I. Love. You. Do you understand?" His voice was strong and forceful. He drew Ray back into his arms, holding him tighter as one tremor ran through Ray's body before Ray melted into him, as if they were one body as well as one soul. He felt Ray's small nod and the warm puffs of air against his neck as Ray replied. "Yeah, I understand. I love you too."

Ben's heart skipped erratically for a few seconds as he heard the words for the first time. For that moment, nothing else mattered and they fell asleep, safe and happy and comfortable

When he woke up after less than an hour, Ray was looking at him. He lay very still, letting Ray watch him. A hand reached trembling toward him and began to detour into a head scratch. With an inquisitive glance he grabbed the hand tightly.

"Can - can I . . . " Ray looked down.

"Can you what?" He asked calmly.

Hesitantly Ray reached for him again, unbuttoning the first several buttons of his longjohns. Ben's heart raced in anticipation and fear. Sliding the fabric aside Ray moved closer, snuggling along Ben's side, placing his ear directly above his heart.

"Sometimes I forget it's over."

There seemed to be no reply to that. In a year, there'd be another test, but Ray was right. For now, it was over. That's what Ray needed. Soothingly, he caressed the closely-shorn head, falling asleep only after Ray was safely sleeping again.

"How do you feel, Ray?"

"Better. I was just so sure that the tests would show something. It's hard to believe it's over."

"It is over, Ray. It really is." Fraser's naivet was oftentimes one of his most endearing qualities. He trusted and accepted with a strength that Ray envied but couldn't duplicate. Ray didn't really believe that everything was over, but Benny had said so, and that made him feel better somehow.

"Do you still have the day off?"

"Yes. As do you. Would you like to do something?"

Ray shrugged. "I don't know. I'm just -"

"Tired?"

"Yeah. Even though I just woke up. I can't sleep anymore, but I'm still tired. How'd you know?"

"It makes sense that all that adrenaline would leave you exhausted. It's a function of the parasympathetic nervous system." He noticed Ray's eyes were glazing over, and he truncated his speech. "I know you're tired."

"I thought you knew all the words I never said." Ray muttered already half asleep again. "I always had this feeling that you could just sorta walk in my head and look around."

Ben smiled into his hair. "I wish I could, Ray. I wish I could take all this away.."

8 am Thursday morning. He didn't have to be awake for another hour and Fraser had left early, so why was he awake? At least it wasn't Monday, he thought.

Deciding he could read the paper, he started to get up, realizing that Dief was asleep on his knees in Fraser's warm spot.

He'd been keeping an eye on Ray since his return, aware perhaps that Ray needed him.

Caught between reading the paper and bothering Dief, it was an easy choice. He spent the next hour petting silky fur, and smelling wolf breath. Reluctantly getting up an hour later, he made a note to include some doggy tic tacs on the shopping list.

Since Dief had chosen him for the day, he made sure that he got a donut, just like everyone else.

Two weeks later, Ray was on back to work full time. He'd been on light return duty, letting him get used to the schedule again. Fraser suggested a celebration. "Where would you like to go for dinner?"

"I think I'm in the mood for something different."

"Greek? How about the Olympic Flame?"

"Sounds good to me."

The waiter brought their gyros, and Ray practically inhaled his. "I guess I was hungrier than I thought."

Ben smiled.

"So . . . . "

"Yes?"

"Conversate."

"What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know . . .. pick something. Tell me a story."

"You want me to tell you a story?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

"All right. Is there anything specific you'd like to hear about?"

"Nah. Just your regular "Hi honey, how was your day?" kinda thing. I got used to hearing everything that was going on. It was interesting."

He was feeling things that he didn't know how to express well. "Ah."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

It was a familiar, comforting argument for both of them that allowed them to sidestep mushy declarations and finish their meal. Leaving the restaurant, they picked up the extra food for a special salivating wolf they'd been forced to leave at home.

Later that night, Ray couldn't sleep. He'd been thinking, and the order of his thoughts worried him.

"Benny?"

"Yes, Ray?"

"Did you ever picture how things were going to be?"

"What do you mean, Ray?"

"I mean, I know that my leaving blew any plans you might have had, but do you ever picture it? You know the kind of thing they ask on job applications? 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' "

"You're asking me where I see us in five years?" He emphasized.

Ray shrugged. "Okay."

"Ray? Can I ask why you're asking?"

"I was just thinking that I know this can't be where you pictured yourself."

"Ray, even if I was spending all of my time taking care of you, I wouldn't mind. And this is what I pictured."

"Yeah, right."

"I dreamed that I would have the chance to hold you. To love you."

"You're telling me that you pictured yourself taking care of damagedRay?"

He pulled away to look at Ray, hoping for signs that Ray was joking. "Wouldn't you do the same for me?"

Ray smiled and held him tightly. "I have nightmares sometimes that you were the one it happened to."

"If I could have taken your pain, I would have. Gladly." He squeezed just as tightly.

"I know."

There were quiet for several seconds before he spoke again. "So is this where you pictured us?"

"Well, the ticklish spots are a surprise."

"Oh no. Don't you go ----"

Ben savored the sounds of Ray's laughter. It was becoming a much more common sound again.

"New case, Vecchio." Welsh handed him a folder.

He glanced inside. A hospital report.

"Assault?"

Welsh nodded. "Rape."

"I can't do it."

"What?!"

"I, I, I'm sorry, sir. I can't."

"Office. Now."

He followed Welsh into his office. Watched in slow motion as Lieutenant Welsh sat behind his desk and stared him down.

"Why. Not. Detective?"

And panicked. What could he say? So he said nothing.

"I asked you a question, Detective." He was using his I'm-trying-very-hard-to-stay-calm, so-you-better-tell-me-what-I-want- -to-hear, and-you-better-tell-me-now voice.

"Yes, sir."

"And I expect an answer."

"Yes, sir."

"Well?"

"I'm sorry. I can't."

"Do you have something against crime victims, Detective?"

"No."

"Homosexuals?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. Now, are you going to go talk to this man, or are you going to explain exactly why I shouldn't suspend you?"

He couldn't do it. He couldn't tell him. "Yes, sir."

Room 319. He double checked the note. He double checked the folder, checked that his badge was in his wallet, checked the time, checked that his shoes were tied, his socks matched, his tie was straight . . .. . .he checked the room number again, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door as he opened it. "Roger White?"

"Yes?" Mr. White was sitting up in bed, just watching. In his lap was a bright orange knitted sweater, which he was stroking rhythmically. For comfort, Ray imagined.

"My name is Ray Vecchio. Detective Ray Vecchio. Do you have a moment?"

"What do you want?"

"I just need to talk to you about what happened. So we can try and catch the guy."

"Yeah. Right. Listen, you guys were already in here. I don't think you want to catch him anyway. It's easier that way, isn't it?"

"Easier for whom? It certainly isn't easier for you."

"Isn't it?" His voice held all the pain that Ray understood all too well.

"No. It's not. Nothing will make it easier except time and people who care. And, maybe, catching the guy who did it."

Mr. White was looking at him as if he was trying to make a decision.

"All right. I'll listen."

After telling Roger a little of what had happened to him, they talked for over an hour. He couldn't tell him much of what he'd been through, for the same reasons he couldn't testify and press charges. But Roger could. By the time Ray left, it was to arrest Roger's boss, Alex Leinweber, for rape and assault.

Exhausted emotionally, he went home and crawled into bed at 7 pm. Within seconds he was asleep.

Ben arrived home at 8:16 pm, four minutes late by his own count. He'd been forced to help the Inspector deal with a broken window from an unexpected home run.

He didn't expect to come home and find Ray asleep in the bedroom with most of his regular clothes on. Deciding that it wasn't worth the risk to undress Ray entirely, he settled for removing Ray's tie and belt so he'd be more comfortable. Not really hungry, he fed Dief and decided to join Ray on the bed.

As he moved under the covers, Ray curled up, shifting much closer to him. Keeping his eyes closed as he felt Ray waking up, Fraser froze, allowing Ray to decide how to react. He felt Ray's body stiffen with the realization that he wasn't alone in the bed. Knowing Ray wasn't fully awake, he was relieved to feel arms slip around him, pulling him closer. Not moving until he felt Ray's breath become peaceful and regular, Ben wiggled to a more comfortable position, still pressed against Ray's body, and fell asleep too.

The next time his eyes opened was when Ray yawned. Ben looked down into shining green eyes. Ray smiled up at him and reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze. With an answering yawn, Fraser gave him a smile that only grew with the sleepy hug Ray gave him.

Without looking at a clock he knew it was approximately midnight. "Are you hungry?"

"Starving. Did you eat already?"

"No. I came home and joined you."

"Did you even go to sleep? Or did you spend the whole time watching me?"

Embarrassed, he blushed and avoided Ray's eye.

"You voyeur. Didn't know Mounties were allowed to be peeping toms."

Joking aside, he had to check. "Are you all right? You don't usually go to sleep this early."

"I'm okay, I think. I'm really beginning to think I'll be okay."

"Good day, perhaps?"

"Yeah. I'll tell you about it after I eat."

He felt good enough the next day that he called and talked with his mother. Really talked, in a way he hadn't even before he had become someone else. He talked about himself, and Fraser, and love and pain, and again of love. He talked even of earlier times, and perhaps more importantly, he listened.

In the end, after a particularly honest, "I love you, caro." and "I love you too, Ma," they were invited to dinner. He accepted.

Unaware of this milestone, Ben was apprehensive. Was Ray really ready for this? he wondered.

Ray apparently could read his mind. "Benny. I'll be fine. Don't start being overprotective or something. We're just going to Ma's for dinner. It's only spaghetti; it's not gonna kill me to eat."

It's quiet now. All I can hear is Benny's heartbeat below my ear and his breathing. I think I'd go crazy if it weren't for those sounds. Maybe eventually I'll get over that, Dr. Young says, but I suspect otherwise.

The first time he was going to be gone overnight I didn't sleep. When he called to check up on me, (don't tell him I know what he's doing, please) I probably sounded horrible. The next night I managed to catch a few hours because I left the radio on. Every time it would turn off, though, I'd be awake again. Finally I just left it on the entire night. I slept okay then. After that, we just found ways for me to go with him or vice versa.

I guess rape is something you never fully get over, but I'm doing okay now. I'm doing fine.

End Caution Bridge May Ice in Winter by silvina: sdelcul@yahoo.com

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