Author's website: http://freespace.virgin.net/jodie.mouse

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Author's Notes: thanks D.

Story Notes: no sex -- sorry

Title: A Lifetime of Lies
Crossover with: Columbo
Author: Jodie Louise

I let people see what they want to see -- the old harmless cop in the rumpled suit and old mac. But sometimes I need to be myself so after giving a talk at one of those seminar things for the Chicago PD I find the sorta place I need to be myself.

And it's good. In all this time no one has ever suspected anything untoward about Lieutenant Columbo.

The old car. The fat crinkly dog. Always talking about Mrs Columbo.

That must be the biggest joke ever.

I sit in the corner of the gay bar quietly puffing away on my cigar watching all the young guys. They don't realise how much easier they have it now.

I look up as two guys enter the bar. I remember them from the seminar -- they caught my eye in the lecture theater. One looks Italian, dressed smartly, his companion dresses in scruffy jeans and has wild spiky blond hair. I wonder if they are on a case...but then the Italian one leans in real close to the blond and sneaks a hand around his waist.

They're a couple. Wonder if they're partners. I watch them order their drinks.

The Italian looks around the bar for a table I s'pose. Our eyes lock. For the first time in x number of years on the force another police officer knows my secret. He tugs at the blond's sleeve. They are both looking at me. The Italian says something to the blond who pulls out some glasses pops them on and stares at me. He then mumbles something to the Italian and comes on over.

"Lieutenant. Is it okay if me and my partner sit with you?"

I nod. The blond gestures the Italian over.

"Would you like a drink Lieutenant?" the Italian asks.

"I'm alright at the moment, thank you."

For a moment the three of us are sitting there awkwardly in silence.

"I'm Detective Kowalski and this is my partner Detective Vecchio."

"Lieutenant Columbo, nice to meet you." I say offering my hand.

We spend the next minute or so shaking hands and stuff.

"So then, does Mrs Columbo know you come to places like this?" the blond, Kowalski asks.

Vecchio shoots him a look. I had mentioned Mrs Columbo quite a few times in my lecture. I thought I'd come clean with them.

"There is no Mrs Columbo -- I made her up. It just seemed easier that way. In fact I've made so much up about her that I almost believe she's real sometimes. Things were different when I started out in the force. I had to hide things about myself."

I'd never had anyone to love like that. Never been close to anyone in that way. Oh yeah when I was younger I had sex but -- I stopped myself when I felt it was going further. And that's when I made up Mrs Columbo and no one ever thought she wasn't real. My detectives would get her presents on her birthday and cards at Christmas.

Kowalski has taken out a cigarette and lights it. He relaxes back into his chair.

"Well it's not exactly whatcha call a bed of roses now for gay cops either." he says looking at me.

Vecchio looks at the blond and takes one of his hands.

"Told you, Ray, don't matter."

The blond relaxes at his lover's touch. I look at them and I ache inside. They'll retire me soon and what will I have? A fake wife that never existed. An old dog. I made my job my life and sacrificed my own chance of ever having happiness.

I'm so old now all I can do is watch. Who'll want a broken down old cop?

We talk about police work for a while, swap stories about cases. They tell me some stories about a mountie they both partnered for a while. I tell them about the magician who murdered someone halfway through his act when he was supposed to be locked in a box. I think I impressed them with that one.

Before we know it it is closing time. I say goodbye to them, watch as they walk away arms wrapped around each other's waists.

I am gonna go back to an empty hotel room, then back to an empty house in Los Angeles and an empty life.

And I dunno what I'll do when they make me retire. My job is my life.

End A Lifetime of Lies by Jodie Louise: jodie.mouse@virgin.net

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