Disclaimer: The song belongs to 'Zero 7' and it's called 'Destiny'
My poor little Ray belongs to someone who isn't me. Which is a terrible shame because I'd let him play a little more. Ben also is not mine. Pretty much an "if you recognize it, i don't own it" scenario.
Anyway, my lunch break is over and my boss is fuming so I should work some. Read on .

Author's Notes: Okay okay I know this isn't the best fic in the world. I wrote it in my ten-minute lunch break. Yes *ten minutes* so you have to expect very little of it.
As always, feedback is called FEEDback for a reason. Because it feeds my creative flame which brings you such stories. Therefore if you don't want me to perish you should respond. My rapidly evaporating ego needs your help.

Story Notes: I'm very ashamed - it's a bit of a songfic <shudder>. Feel free to commence hate-mailing right now.
Okay so normally I run from songfics like snowmen from flame. But I don't think you understand just how boring my job can be.
Besides, I've had this song in my head for maybe eight weeks now and it's eating away at my sanity little by little.
It's a beautiful song though. If you don't have it I suggest you download it. I have yet to find someone who doesn't love it.

//The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had. Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you. And when you're lost I know how to change your mood And when I'm down you breathe life over me Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny//

Stupid song. Okay so they chose the worst day in the history of days to play the worst song in the history of songs on my radio. I point a vague accusative finger at the ever elusive `they' and blame them entirely for the tears streaming down my face. I don't know who `they' are but, hell, it's easier than admitting it's all my fault isn't it? I quite liked this song ten minutes ago. Soft melody bit at the beginning made me tap my fingers against the steering wheel. Then it started meaning something. The melody may be pretty but the way the words hit home isn't pretty at all. The scar they've unearthed is ugly and obtrusive. It's blurring my vision with tears and I have to pull over for fear of driving into an embankment. Okay so maybe crunching the front end of the car is the least of my worries, precious though that car is to me. I got bigger worries ... Like I just made the worst mistake of my life. Fuck.
I actually get out the car, just to avoid the music. In my freaked out state I don't even register the new fangled invention called the `off button'. Instead, I sit on the embankment, breathing deeply. The grass is a bit damp and I figure my jeans will be wet in a while but I don't get up. I'm too tired of moving, I need to be still so my brain can work for a minute. Ok, I can chew gum and walk but I can't drive and assess my life and the choices I've made up `til now and the effect they'll have on my future happiness. I'm a guy, what do you expect? Back to the point. Twenty minutes ago I said goodbye to someone I think I've forgotten how to live without. We were best friends when we affectionately said goodbye. I wasn't angry with him, wasn't hurt by him, still loved him, still wanted to be part of his life, and still wanted him to be part of mine. So you're wondering why I said goodbye to him aren't you? Yeh .... me too. I look at my watch and another five minutes have gone by. With a start I realize that's time I'm never going to get back. I've lost that time forever, and I spent it sitting on the side of some highway between the airport and my empty apartment. The apartment where his dream-catcher is still hanging over my window, and Dief's water dish is still sat on the floor next to his favourite summer spot by the air-conditioner. Alright ... I miss him already, it has to be said. A melancholy smile on my face, I'm sitting, reminiscing over the time we've spent as friends. Then I'm swiping at my eyes again, biting my lower lip hard so the pain will distract me away from this dangerous pastime. Pull it together Kowalski Only I don't want to be pulled together. I want to break down and fall apart. And have him put me back together, gluing me in place with soft wisdom and kind eyes and a smile that makes you feel like you deserve to live after all. Oh God, his eyes. Just after I did the manly show of affection - a short hug and a pat on the back and a quiet `have a safe journey' - we stood looking at each other for a moment. And through all the movement and chaos of the airport all I could see were his wide, deceptively innocent gray eyes looking at me with the strangest expression. Like he was asking for something from me and I, dumb as I am, was standing there not knowing what to give. Then, all too soon he was different, smiling again as though he was happy to be going. Home, he called it. Where's home nowadays anyway? Maybe home is one of those things where you'll know it if you find it. I saw it, little glimpses, but I never held onto it, and now it's gone I guess. On a plane to Canada. To where it thinks it belongs. If only I'd told it that it belonged with me. I suddenly get what it was that his eyes were begging me for. He was pleading with me, silently, unsure of how to ask - just like me. He was scared of being alone - just like me. He was asking me to make him belong - just like me. He was asking me to ask him to stay.

Well .... fuck.

I bang the heel of my hand against my forehead. I'm such an idiot sometimes. Blind as a bat, and the glasses don't help a bit. I left him a while before his plane was due to leave. Stupid, stupid me, I didn't want to make him feel bad by crying. Maybe if I'd waiting and he'd seen me cry he would have worked out I did need him after all. And he was breaking my heart just like he was breaking his own.

I head back to my car, jamming the keys into the ignition, doing the most illegal u-turn I've ever done. What the fuck, I'll write myself a ticket later. As I'm pounding down the highway, strangely, I become angry at him. He shouldn't have relied on me to tell him I needed him. He should have seen it from the way my jaw dropped when he mentioned going back to the snowy territories. He should have seen it from the way I couldn't speak as I helped him pack his ridiculously small amount of luggage. He should have known from the wet patches on Dief's fur as I hugged him close and told him to look after the Mountie. He should have found the time-worn, over-loved bracelet I slipped into one of the millions of pockets on his stupid serge when he hung it up at my place that time. But he didn't. So maybe instead of being the fault of God and the universe, it's his fault. Not mine. It wasn't me being cowardly, carefully neglecting to mention I might die without him. It was him being cowardly, neglecting to ask.

Yeh Kowalski, that works. Idiot.

Okay, I could go a little faster. I've broken every law in the state already, getting into this lane. One more speeding ticket won't kill me. So I push it up another ten miles and hour. It's not that far to the airport now and I know I'm going to make it. His plane is due to leave right about now but I know in my heart that it'll get delayed a few minutes. They always do don't they?

And besides, in the movies when the guy is running to catch the plane ... breaking every law, his heart beating like it's about to come out of his chest and squeals of burning rubber echoing through the airport as he slides to a halt ... he always gets there in time doesn't he?

My heart stops as I look up at the board announcing departures. Shit. The 4:15 flight to Yellowknife ... left ten minutes ago. Right on time. I stand, perfectly still for as long as I think I ever have. That wasn't supposed to happen. Where the fuck is my happy ending?

And ten minutes later - as I'm standing at the last-minute flight booking desk, handing over the details to my savings account, checking timetables for the next flight - I have to laugh at my own stubbornness. I'm not going to let one little thing like missed plane stop me. After all, how important are a couple of hours that are lost in the pursuit of something you love? We'll make up those hours later, I'm sure we will.

Sometimes, I think with a smile, sometimes you have to make your own happy ending.

//On a clear day
I'll fly home to you
I'm bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
And soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak I draw strength from you And when you're lost I know how to change your mood And when I'm down you breathe life over me Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny.//

And maybe that song wasn't so stupid after all

End Destiny by LaAmelia: beatitribbitbiteme@hotmail.com

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