Author's website: http://freespace.virgin.net/jodie.mouse

Disclaimer: Borrowed from Alliance. Other stuff borrowed from Kan'ami and the drama Matsukaze. Cindy is mine.

Author's Notes: This story had been bugging me for about a month so it's nice to get it out. Thanks D.

Story Notes: Depressing stuff going on here, i won't say what 'cos i don't want to spoil it.

This story is a sequel to: Out of the Dark

"Matsukaze"
By Jodie Louise

I hate seeing my body in the bath. My bones stick out `cos I lost all that weight through going off the rails.

The thing is I see my bones sticking out an' I like it. Skin stretched tight. The bones look like they are trying to get outta of body. An' I want to be even thinner `cos I still feel fat. I can see the fat still there even though my bones stick out.

Even though my bones are fighting to get outta my body.

I want them to get out - I want them to tear through my skin until it's ripped and bleeding. `Cos I'm dying anyway. I am dirt. I am tainted.

I gotta a new family. Me an' Ray, Elaine an' Cindy, mountie an' wolf. We all live in a big apartment together. S'weird at first but Ray really likes it. I mean he was used to having his large family `round him all the time. We've become his new family now and he's made himself the `man of the house'. Something me and Fraser weren't that bothered `bout anyhow. Fraser likes cleaning an' I like makin' a mess.

Ray insists on us all eating together at the table. I'm sure he's tryin' to recreate how he used to eat with his Ma and the other Vecchios. But it don't bother me - I'll do anything to make him smile.

Melvin opened another video store and made Elaine the manager. He gave me an' Cindy jobs. I like it even more than the bar job. Get to watch lots of films. Elaine loves having her own shop to manage. She buys in foreign films and has been learning Korean off one of them. S'funny when she and Cindy speak Korean together - Elaine's accent can be a bit off sometimes. This makes Cindy laugh.

Feels like I'm living in a episode of `Friends' - sometimes I try an' work out who's who. I think Fraser is Monica.

I weren't sure if this would work when Vecchio suggested us all living together like this but it's pretty cool. Always someone to talk to. Dief gets spoiled rotten.

There's always someone to cuddle up to at night. A friend or lover.

S'good. Except...

The mountie. He's kinda outta of the loop. An' I'm not sure how happy he is an' it's bugging Ray. Keep seeing the way his green eyes look at the mountie. Then I see how the mountie looks at him. Fraser's such a gentleman - wouldn't make a move - but he's into Ray. I can tell. Spent most of my life learning to understand that look. The look that says I'd like to fuck ya until your ass is blue. I s'pose Fraser sorta says it in his look in some kinda polite Canadian mountie way.

I dunno what to do 'bout it. Mean I'm not jealous. How can I be? How can I blame Ray if he doesn't want damaged goods?

Cindy is sitting on the floor with her head resting on Elaine's lap. Elaine is on the couch an' is brushing Cindy's hair. Fraser's gone with Ray to get some take out. We're jus' having one of those lazy Sunday evenings. Dief has his head in my lap an' we've got the TV on in the background.

"Wha d'ya think I should do `bout the mountie liking Ray?"

Cindy looks up at me.

"Do you think Ray likes him too?" she asks.

"Dunno. May be. All I know is Ray's pissed `cos the mountie is mooning around an' he wants us all to be happy."

"I think you should be talking to Ray - not us." Elaine says.

Elaine is right - but I sure as hell dunno what to say to Ray. An' I'm sure I can't get Fraser to talk about it.

I cannot help it. I try to stop looking but I cannot. Watch Ray move - his muscles underneath skin. The way clothes cling to his body. He is in the kitchen putting away crockery. I am leaning on the counter. It is one of those rare times where we are alone in the apartment.

Ray turns to look at me.

"Benny, you're sad aren't you?"

Surprised that he noticed, embarrassed too.

"Well, I..." I stammer.

"You can tell me. Why are you so unhappy?"

How can I tell him because `I want you and can't have you', how can I tell him that? I cannot lie to him, to my Ray so I must be evasive.

"I'm just missing Canada."

This was not a lie. I did miss Canada - the snow and ice. Being in the middle of the wilderness for days on end. But I want Ray but he belongs to the other Ray with golden hair. I did not want to come between them if they love each other. I could not do that.

I had thought long and hard about it and came to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be to get out of their lives. I had already started putting the feelers out to see if I could get a transfer. It would be only fair to tell Ray - I owed him that at least. Probably a lot more than that.

"I'm thinking of returning to Canada if the RCMP will give me a posting there."

Rays nods. Squeezes my arm.

"It's up to you Benny. I'll -- we'll miss you if you go."

Indeed he would, I could see it in his eyes.

Cindy lies beside me breathing softly. She'll only go to sleep if Dief stays with us in the room. The wolf is asleep on the blanket we keep in here for him now. Though he does climb into the bed, normally if Cindy has a nightmare and cries out in her sleep.

I have nightmares about what happened too. For Cindy they seem so much worse, perhaps because she has lived with violence for so long.

Dief can tell when she is upset, sometimes better than I can. He is very protective of both her and my Ray. The wolf stays close to them, protects them. I want to protect Cindy. I want to stop all of the hurt but I do not know how to.

I am laying in bed, my leg draped over Ray. He seems sad tonight.

"Benny wants to leave." he says.

I can hear the catch in his voice.

"Did he say why?" I ask.

But I know before I say it that Fraser wouldn't have told the full truth. May be a revised version. A version which dances around whatever is going on in that mountie head of his.

"Misses Canada."

"S'not jus' that." I sigh, knowing that I've gotta tell him.

I don't wanna be the one to say it, but after all it is better if he hears it from me rather than anyone else.

"What do you mean? Do you know something?"

Even though it is dark in the bedroom I can tell he's turned to look at me - thinks the mountie's been talkin' to me instead of him. I've got eyes tho', an' I've been using them.

"The mountie wants ya."

"Wants me?"

For a Detective he can be a bit dense sometimes. So I hafta spell it out do I?

"Yeah. To fuck." I say, probably too harshly.

Green eyes seem to glow in the semi-darkness.

"He said that?" almost a squeak from Ray.

"Nah. I can tell by the way he looks at you. Remember? That`s how I used to make my living by being able to tell stuff like that."

Ray pulls away from me and is staring at the ceiling. Then I see it -- he is into the mountie, probably didn't know Frase was into guys -- probably why he shacked up with me. Who would live with a retired whore when they could have a mountie?

"Ya like him that way dontcha?" I ask very gently.

He sighs, a deep sigh. I pull him to me and stroke my way through the fuzz on his head. I dunno what will happen now. I dunno.

It don't matter how much I clean. I cannot wash out the dirt. Everyone can see what I am and what I did.

I am branded.

Marked.

I am flesh for the taking.

An' I dunno what's gonna happen. I step in the shower -- it is the seventh I have had today. I pretend that I have no problem. We pretend I am okay. But in my head I think `bout knives, blood, water and sex. I think `bout punishment, `bout slicing myself up. I see my bones sticking outta of body and rather than getting fatter I think about getting even thinner. I think about watching my flesh waste away until skin stretches taunt over my bones.

I don't deserve Ray. I am sullied.

This place is crying. Or I am crying. Inside.

My friend Reiko who was Japanese had an obsession about Noh theatre. Her favourite play was Matsukaze by Kan'ami. It ends:

        Your dream is over.  Day has come.
        Last night you heard the autumn rain;
        This morning all that is left
        Is the wind in the pines,
        The wind in the pines.

This is how I feel inside at the moment. Dead. And I can't tell Elaine so I think about Reiko and her laugh, her smile. She would understand how I feel. She would take me in her arms and whisper in my ear.

I am being unfair to Elaine. I should talk to her, let her know how I feel. But I can't find the words. I think of them but they rush out of head and mouth all wrong.

Sometimes I feel as if my tongue has been cut out.

I had a Finnish friend who wore men's suits, false eyelashes and red lipstick who used to say that's how she felt. Silent. Lacking words.

And that is what I feel. I do not have the words to describe what I feel, or what I want. That is why I like Dief - he does not need me to speak to understand me.

        I hung all my hopes
        On living in the same world with him,
        But being here makes no sense at all
        And these keepsakes are nothing.

I look up from the page as Cindy walks into the room.

"Is all this Japanese stuff so sad?"

Reading it was hurting too much. Making me think of stuff about Ray. Ya know, whether he's outta my league. May be Wilco was right - Ray's a cop an' all. The mountie would be his equal. I'm jus' a retired whore who works in a video store. A retired whore with an industrial injury.

"What are you reading?" Cindy asks.

I stare at the cover. Dunno how to say it.

"Matsooki I think."

"Ah, Matsukaze. It's about doomed love." she says coming over and taking the book from me and flicking through the pages.

For a moment Cindy looks as if she might cry. She snaps the book shut and takes it into her and Elaine's bedroom.

I pour more vodka into my empty glass. I am waiting for something.

She comes in my dreams dressed in black silk with a red ribbon in her hair. Red ribbon wrapped around her wrists. This is for the blood that she drained from her own body because she didn't want to breathe any longer.

She comes in my dreams and sits on the side of my bed and strokes my hair but the ribbon becomes caught. I have her blood tangled in my hair and skin and body.

        We were left to melt away
        Like foam on the waves,
        And, in misery, we died.

Two sisters Matsukaze and Murasame. Pine Wind and Autumn Rain. Died in for their love of Yukihira.

"You are my sister Murasame. I am Matsukaze. We both mourn for the love of Yukihira. Come with me, sister, come with me to the edge of the water."

And we are in Suma Bay by the twisted pine tree. Reiko who is Matsukaze beckons me towards the water. She takes my hand and binds me to her with red ribbon, binds me with her blood.

The knife glints in the darkness.

Matsukaze slices through my skin and reaches inside the flesh. Scarlet ribbon is twisted in her hand and pulled from my body. The ribbon is laced together binding us tightly. Binding us tightly.

We step into the water as sisters, as lovers.

We step...

I am confused.

Benny likes me. Benny...I never thought, never thought. And the worse thing is I want to make love to Benny. Because I love him. And I love Ray. I don't know if I love one of them more than the other or anything like that.

I'm still in shock to be quite honest. Confused.

It's one of those times when I really wished my Ma was still talking to me. I never realised how wise she is and how good at sorting out the most awful messes she can be.

It is a mess.

I need to talk to them both. I need to tell Benny how I feel about him before he makes any decisions. Yeah. Need to speak to Benny.

So I go to see him at the Consulate. I tell myself it is so we aren't interrupted like we would be at the apartment. I tell myself it has nothing to do with Ray being there and what he might think about our conversation.

I slip into Benny's office. His head is bowed over paperwork, neck exposed. I want to kiss the hairs there.

"Benny."

He looks up at the sound of his name. I close the door gently behind us.

"Benny, I need to talk to you."

"About what, Ray?" he asks, shuffling papers about on his desk.

"I need to tell you some stuff before you go away. I need you to listen to me and tell me what you think."

He looks puzzled but nods in agreement.

"Benny, I like you. Love you. The same way I love Ray and I don't think I could stand it if you left. I need you. I need you so much Benny."

Blue eyes look up at me. I move closer to him, so close we are almost touching. I can hear him breathe, heavy, ragged breaths. Move even closer and kiss him. At first he does not respond but then he kisses me back.

I pull away and we are both staring at each other.

"I don't know if I can do this, Ray."

"But you want this -- I want this."

"What about the other Ray?"

He's got me there. I don't know what to say. I look at my shoes.

"I want you both." I say.

There - I've said it. The words are bared, hanging between us.

"And you think Ray will be happy with such an arrangement? For that matter do you think I would be?"

"I hadn't thought that far ahead."

Because I hadn't, hadn't thought about anything but my own cock and selfish needs.

"You must think I'm disgusting." I say, turning to leave.

Suddenly Benny is there, pulling me around. Caressing my cheek.

"I want you so much it burns." he whispers in my ear.

I can feel our erections brush against each other as he pulls our groins together.

"Damn it, Ray. I want you so badly that I don't care how I have you. I was going to leave because I could not stand seeing what I could not have. But now, now...I have these noble intentions which have faded to dust. All I want is you."

Together, he pulls us into a kiss full of fire, of passion. I feel as if he is eating me. Devouring me. I push the guilt into a tight little ball, push it deep away inside me. I don't think about the consequences.

Pale skin spread over the desk. Legs spread for me. It is so beautiful, so beautiful...

When I enter him I groan. This is wrong, so wrong, so wrong.

I can't trust myself around razors. I shave and cut myself. Collect the blood on the end of my finger. Lick it up.

Tastes warm and salty. Not tainted at all.

I wonder what would happen if I let the blade slip down, right down.

I can see my bones through taunt skin.

Thin skin.

Transparent. The veins beneath. If I cut each vein the blood would surface and run like ribbons over my skin until my life drains away.

I have become obsessed with Cindy's story. With Matsukaze.

        Our love grew rank as wild grasses;
        Tears and love ran wild.
        It was madness that touched us.

Madness has touched me. Mad like Matsukaze for a love which isn't mine.

I knew that evening when they came home together what had happened. Neither Ray or Fraser could look me in the eye.

I wanna shout, throw things, scream. But wha did I expect?

They are equals. I am beneath them. I am beneath them. I am dirty and tainted.

An' when I look at them I can see the love there.

This time I will succeed. I will use the knife and dance in Suma Bay with Matsukaze. Sit under the pine tree and be free.

        I hung all my hopes
        On living in the same world with him,
        But being here makes no sense at all
        And these keepsakes are nothing.

Cindy laughs as a woman takes my hand and binds me to her with red ribbon. The woman is Matsukaze and she reaches through my flesh and pulls, pulls the ribbon from my body, crimson ribbon, dark and rank.

Rank blood. My ribbon is stained. The more Matsukaze pulls the more you can see all the filth and rankness embedded in the silk.

I help Matsukaze thread her ribbon through mine. Clean against dirty. Pure against tainted. I help her bind us. Her ribbon becomes dirtied too by association with mine.

In unison we step to the bank's edge. We chant these words together:

        The River of Three Fords
        Has gloomy shallows
        Of never-ending tears;
        I found, even there,
        An abyss of wildest love.  

Cindy stands on the bank of the Bay of Suma and waves as we enter the water.

This is the only water which will cleanse me. The only water which will wash away the dirt. All the baths, all the showers, all the soap in the world could not cleanse me. So I step into the water in the only place that can.

I step into the water of the only place that can.

I wake to find Elaine wrapped around me. I hear the wolf whine and look up at me in the darkness.

Reiko and Matsukaze danced in my dreams tonight.

The wolf goes to the door and starts scratching. Whimpering. Gently I push Elaine off of me and go to the door. As quietly as I can I open the door. The wolf's claws click on the floor and he heads straight for the bathroom, glancing back as if to ask me to follow.

The wolf sniffs the door. I try it. It is locked.

Matsukaze was dancing tonight.

I push against the door. Not strong enough. I go to the kitchen the wolf following at my heels.

Matsukaze was dancing tonight.

I go through the cupboards until I find a heavy hammer. I can hardly hold it with one hand and have to grip it with both as I go back to the bathroom.

Matsukaze was dancing tonight.

I smash through the door hearing the splintering of wood. Smash through. I put my hand through the hole in the door to unlock it. I open the door.

Matsukaze was dancing tonight.

Ray is pale and colourless as he lies on the floor. His hair is as colourless as his skin. Hair spiked and matted. I kneel down and see Matsukaze's ribbon marks on his wrists. I close his unseeing eyes. He looks at peace.

Matsukaze and Ray Kowalski are dancing tonight on the bank of Suma Bay.

I can hear voices behind me, the detective, the mountie, Elaine.

"Matsukaze and Ray Kowalski are dancing tonight on the bank of Suma Bay."

I realise I have said this out loud. For a moment there is silence. Then Elaine sits down beside me and is sobbing. We hold each other. The men begin shouting at each other. I am used to men shouting so I ignore them. I hold Elaine tightly.

"Matsukaze is looking after him." I whisper, "He is at peace. Look at how happy he is."

And this was not a lie. Because Ray Kowalski had the most beautiful smile on his face. The most beautiful smile.

        Your dream is over.  Day has come.
        Last night you heard the autumn rain;
        This morning all that is left
        Is the wind in the pines,
        The wind in the pines.

End Matsukaze by Jodie Louise: jodie.mouse@virgin.net

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