Author's notes: This is not intended as a sequel to "Willing," but I used it as background for this story.

Wednesday at three, Benny. I changed my flight, I cant stand it here anymore. Flight 4970. I didnt have any problem changing my reservation. Yeah, Ill see you Wednesday. I miss you too, thats one of the reasons I cant stand it here. Ray put down the phone and left his hotel room. He was beginning to wonder if it always rained in Boston.

Fraser put the phone down and turned to Rays mother who had walked into the kitchen. He told her about Rays change of plans as four year old Emily and Marias two youngest children came running into the kitchen.

Grandma, were hungry. Eight year old Michael was apparently the groups spokesperson.

Dinner will be ready soon, caro. Youll have to wait. She looked at the three small children and the wolf standing in the kitchen and turned to Fraser. Benton, could you? She asked, motioning toward her grandchildren.

Of course, Anna. Well watch a video. He began herding them out of the kitchen and in the direction of the television.

Thank you, caro.

Ray checked his suitcase and left the airports ticket counter. There would be a stop before the plane arrived in Chicago, but the first half of the flight was almost empty. Odd, he thought, for a weekday afternoon.

He walked in the direction of the gate and heard someone call his name. He turned abruptly in the direction of the voice and stared in shocked disbelief at the face.

Going somewhere, Ray? And I had thought we might become reacquainted. The meaning was clear. He saw the face smile coldly. Ray felt a large body move behind him, but he did not turn around. He swallowed hard. The face maintained the cold smile. I've seen your partner and Emily. She looks like you. You live with your mother and sisters, don't you?

Ray swallowed again and nodded.

Emily Vecchio stood by the front door holding her worn stuffed cat in one hand and clutching Dief's fur with the other. She had the look Fraser knew meant he was going to have a struggle. It did not matter which pair of green eyes were looking at him, the look was the same.

I want to go too.

No, Emily. Not this time.

Why? Why dont I get to go too? Dont you want me to come with you? She bit her bottom lip and frowned.

Yes, Emily, of course I would like for you to come too, but Im a little late and I think it would be easier if you waited here this time. At that moment Mrs. Vecchio walked up behind him.

Emily what are you doing?

Im going to the airport.

Really, is that why I just heard Benton tell you no? Without giving her time to respond, she added, Come with me, cara. Mrs. Vecchio smiled at her, took the hand that had been wrapped around Dief and moved her away from the door. Emily gave up. She had learned like all the other Vecchio children it didnt pay to argue with grandma.

Thank you, Anna. Fraser smiled at both of them and hurried out the door.

Halfway to the airport, he turned on the Rivs radio to get the traffic report. He listened to the local news and weather, then the station moved to national news and he heard the report of a plane crash somewhere in Massachusetts. He turned up the volume, Flight 4970 from Boston to Chicago crashed in a wooded area, no report regarding survivors, witnesses on a nearby highway reported an in air explosion."

He sat in heavy traffic trying to breath and trying to force his mind to work. He managed to drive to the airport, park and enter. As he walked in, he realized he could not remember getting there.

Within a few minutes of his arrival, Fraser and a very small group of the other passengers' family members and friends followed an airlines official into a quiet meeting room. Then, the explanation began. There had apparently been an explosion not long after take-off. Fraser could not force himself to understand much of what was going on around him. He felt as if he were listening to a recording and all he could hear were the same two words repeating endlessly, no survivors.

This could not be happening. He had spoken to Ray last night, he was fine. It felt like a dream, maybe it was. Or, maybe Ray had missed the flight. There had only been fifteen people on the plane? That was impossible. This was a dream. It had to be a nightmare and he would wake any minute. He had talked to Ray last night, so he knew nothing had happened to him. If he kept repeating that thought he could make it true. Something about that did not seem logical to Fraser, but he could not identify the problem. He was aware there were people around him, he vaguely heard their shocked responses and he heard crying. Then, he heard what he thought was his own voice directed at one of the officials. Do you have a passenger list?

Maria stopped the video tape one of the children had left on, but abandoned, and turned on the television. Outside, the three youngest children watched as a police car pulled in front of the house and stopped. Maria flipped through the channels and landed on the news.

Ill get it, Ma. Francesca opened the door to see two uniformed police officers.

Benton?

Fraser looked up, but he didnt answer. He stared straight ahead as if he did not see anyone standing in front of him. A hand touched his shoulder.

Benton? No movement, no recognition. Benton? Lieutenant Welsh sent me. Im going to take you home. Do you understand?

He felt the hand on his shoulder and recognized the person standing in front of him. Jack. Im sorry, did you say something?

Thats okay, Benton. Im going to take you home now. All right?

He did not respond verbally, but he allowed himself to be led out of the airport to the car waiting outside. As he walked toward the car door, Fraser suddenly realized he must have parked the Riv somewhere. He pulled away from Huey.

"Benton? What are you doing?

I cant go with you, Jack. I drove the Riv and Ray wont like it if I leave it here.

Huey swallowed and hesitated long enough to regain his composure. Thats okay, Benton. Well send someone for it. Youre going to ride with me.

The Lieutenant and Elaine were at the Vecchio house when Huey and Fraser arrived. Tony had the children, including Emily, upstairs away from the televisions. The first floor was almost silent, except for Elaine quietly talking to Maria and Franny sitting alone in a corner, sobbing. Mrs. Vecchio sat motionless in a chair, tears running down her face. Everyone turned as Huey and Fraser walked in the front door.

Fraser looked around the room, apparently unable to comprehend what was going on around him. He took a few steps inside and then stood still near the stairs. For a few moments no one reacted. After some hesitation, Maria stood up and moved toward him, but before she could cross the room, Mrs. Vecchio had reached him.

She put her arm around him and led him toward the stairs. Benton, come with me, caro.

The Vecchio house had remained quiet for days. The family had told it was unlikely there would be any identifiable bodies. Ray's name had appeared among the passengers. The family had decided to arrange a memorial service for the following Thursday, eight days after the crash. Waiting for the investigation seemed pointless. Visitors had been stopping by, at least one member of the precinct came each day. Usually, Fraser had stayed upstairs with Emily, who seemed uncertain about what had happened. No one had seen him cry and he rarely spoke unless asked a direct question, sometimes not even then.

On Saturday morning, when he had not been down since early the night before, Mrs. Vecchio knocked on the bedroom door. She received no response and knocked harder. Benton, its Ma. Open the door. Still no answer. She was becoming frightened. Benton, Im coming in.

She opened the door and saw him sitting on the unmade bed, staring at the floor. The curtains were completely closed and the room was dark. She walked over to the bed, sat next to him and looked at him closely. He hadnt shaved since Wednesday and there were dark circles under his eyes, he was shaking. He was wearing the same blue RCMP sweats he had worn the previous day. She put her arm around him.

Benton, can you hear me? He did not speak, but he nodded. Benton you havent tried to eat anything since lunch yesterday. He shrugged, but still said nothing. Benton. She tried being more forceful. I am going to get you some breakfast and you will eat. Is that clear? He nodded again. All right, caro. Now, lie down until I get back. She helped him lie down on the bed, covered him and then walked toward the door. She stepped into the hall but closed the door only partially, a little afraid to leave him alone. Then she noticed Maria coming out of the bathroom, her eyes were red.

Maria, she spoke quietly. I need you to sit with Benton, while I get his breakfast. I dont want him staying alone.

Whats wrong, Ma?

He wont speak. He isn't very alert - - he isn't alert at all. I tried to force him to eat lunch yesterday, but he hasnt had anything since. I dont think he should be left alone right now.

Okay, Ma.

Maria walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed next to Fraser. "Benton, Ma has gone to get your breakfast. Do you mind if I sit here for a few minutes? He didnt answer, but he looked at her and shook his head. Whatever he had intended that to mean, she wasnt going to leave.

Maria sat for twenty minutes watching while Fraser remained silent. He seemed almost entirely unaware of her presence. Finally, her mother came back into the room with breakfast, eggs, toast and juice. Maria put her hand on his Fraser's arm. Ill see you later Benton. She had not expected a response and she didnt get one.

Mrs Vecchio put the food down and leaned over to help him sit. She put the plate in front of him and the fork in his hand. Eat. He took two bites of the eggs, then put the fork back on the plate and tried to push it away. No, Benton. She picked up the fork and put some eggs on it. Eventually, she managed to feed him most of the eggs and one piece of the toast. He drank the juice without being forced. When he was finished, she pulled the blanket back, Lie down, Benton. You need to sleep. Ill stay with you. He slept through most of the afternoon.

By Tuesday morning, very little had changed. Mrs. Vecchio, Maria and Francesca sat in the kitchen, the children had been left with Tony again, and Fraser remained in his room. Mrs. Vecchio had heard him speak to Emily the day before, when she had asked for Ray, but he had said almost nothing before or since. Francesca sat at the table twisting her napkin and finally managed to say what she had been thinking since the weekend.

"Ma? What are we going to do with him?"

Mrs. Vecchio stared at her, not entirely certain what she meant. "Who, Francesca?"

"Benton. What are we going to do with him? He won't do anything without being told. He won't eat, or change clothes. How are we going to get him to the memorial service on Thursday?"

Maria looked up. "I've been wondering the same thing, Ma."

Francesca was upset. "This is ridiculous. He cannot stay up there forever. He's totally shut himself off. He has a child. He is being irresponsible."

Her mother looked at her and frowned, but said nothing.

"Ma? Franny is right, he cannot stay this way." Maria looked at Mrs. Vecchio and asked reluctantly, "Ma, does he understand Ray is dead?"

Mrs. Vecchio nodded. "He understands."

Francesca was becoming more hostile every minute. "Does he think this is only happening to him? Doesn't he know we would all like to close ourselves off somewhere? What is wrong with him? He has to stop this."

Maria and their mother stared at her, startled. Then Mrs. Vecchio responded with anger equal to Francesca's, "Do you think this is only happening to you, Francesca? I know you want your brother back and I know you are confused and angry, but you have no idea what this is like for Benton. Neither of you can know what Benton is experiencing. I will handle this. Benton is part of my family and you will treat him appropriately. Leave him alone now, give him some time."

On Thursday morning, she stood outside Fraser's door, knocking again. "Benton, open the door. Benton? I'm coming in now."

Mrs. Vecchio opened the door and found him lying on the bed, still dressed in the ever-present sweats. He had showered, but he had not shaved again. She decided not to tell him to do it this time. She reached out and put her hand on his head, lightly stroking his hair. "Benton, you have to get dressed now. Please. Do you understand why, Benton?"

He nodded and she continued stroking his hair. "If I get your clothes out, will you get dressed and come downstairs?" He nodded again. "We need to leave in an hour. I know we haven't discussed this, but I think Emily should come with us. Is that all right?" He hesitated and then nodded again. "Thank you, Benton. Maria will dress her."

As she opened the closet door and turned on the light, she realized someone had been keeping it in order. Raimondo was not inclined to keep the closet neat. Both sets of clothes were in perfect, straight rows and their shoes were on the floor beneath them in equally straight rows. She began to feel the finality for possibly the first time. She had always known something could happen to her child, because of his choice of career, but this was different. His death had not been caused by his job, not because he was arresting someone, or because he had not seen someone with a gun as she had always imagined. This was not like any of her nightmares. It was far worse. This was random and unfair. She looked around again. Something would have to be done with Raimondo's clothes, eventually. He was always very fond of them, despite the messes Benton and Emily had always managed to leave. She almost smiled at the thought of the cleaning bills. Why did it seem so airless? She grabbed the door frame and leaned against it for a few seconds, regaining control, then quickly found something for Benton to wear. She left his clothes hanging on the outside doorknob, after closing the closet door. She wondered if it might be better if Benton slept in another room for a while. She wiped her eyes and swallowed before turning and walking back to the bed.

"Benton, your clothes are hanging on the closet door. Okay? It's time for you to get up now. I'll be in my room if you need me."

He sat up slowly and looked at her with a blank stare, but he spoke finally. "Yes, ma'am. Thank you."

"You are welcome, Benton." She kissed him on the top of the head. "Call me, if you need me." She turned toward the door, but stopped suddenly when he spoke again.

"No. This is wrong."

"What, Benton?" She walked to the bed and sat next to him. "What's wrong?"

He sat up and looked at her, he was shaking again. "This is wrong. I forgot. I should not have let this happen. Ray told me to do something else."

He was beginning to frighten her. Ray told him to do something? She put her hand on his arm and spoke quietly. "Benton, Raimondo isn't here. I thought you understood that."

He shook his head. "No, I mean before. Several years ago. When we were in the vault. It was my fault because I turned on the water and Ray thought we were going to die. I thought so as well, but I didn't want to tell him that. Before the door opened, he told me he would have wanted me to do his eulogy. Then I said something - - selfish. This is wrong. I am supposed to . . ."

She put her arms around him and held him. "No, Benton. Raimondo would understand. He wouldn't expect that of you, now."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, Benton. I am certain. It's okay, Benton. It isn't wrong, you aren't doing anything wrong."

Fraser sat with Mrs. Vecchio on one side and Maria on the other. He was amazed how clear some things seemed. He could feel Maria prompt him when it was time to respond and he felt her arm slide around his shoulders. He could hear Francesca's crying. She seemed to cry constantly, but it did not help. He could hear the music and the words, but he could not understand them. Maybe he didn't want to understand them, he thought. It would not help understanding them, nothing would help. The smell was real too. He hated it. Carnations. He had hated that smell since childhood, it meant someone he loved was not coming back. A part of his life was over and nothing could ever change that. He felt six years old again. Total abandonment. But, this was worse than when his mother had died, or his father. His father. He had come back for a while. Sometimes he thought he could see Ray, but when he tried speaking to him there was no answer. Ray would come back if it were possible. Maybe none of this was real. He continually hoped he would wake up, but the longer the dream lasted, the more he thought it might really be happening. He did not feel as if Ray had died, or maybe he did. He had not been able to decide how it should feel.

He knew almost everyone around him. Most of them were from the Chicago Police Department, but some of them were Vecchios he had seen only rarely during the past few years. He knew they would all follow them home and they would stay for hours. There was no need, they could not do anything. They meant well and he could not be rude to them any more than he could tell Francesca to stop crying.

Emily climbed out of her grandmother's lap and into his. She buried her head in his chest and he put his hand on her black hair. He looked down at the top of her head. He thought it might have been a mistake letting her go with them. He thought he should know what to say when she asked for Ray, but he never seemed to have the right answer and she asked everyday. She stared at him at some point everyday with those large green eyes and asked when Ray would be back. Had he done the same when he was a child, after his mother died? He could not remember. Probably not, his grandmother would have put a stop to that and his father would have refused to discuss it. He would not be like his grandmother, or his father. He put a finger through one of her curls, continued staring at her hair and shut out everything else around him.

Someone was cautiously taking photographs, but Fraser had not noticed. None of the Vecchios had seen it. Photographs of other victims' funerals had been appearing in newspapers, as disgusting as it seemed, even those members of the Police Department who had seen it assumed that was the reason and they had not interfered.

Late Friday night Fraser walked down the hall in the direction of Ray's room. Mrs. Vecchio had insisted he try sleeping in the extra bedroom for a few days, but he could not sleep anywhere. He had not understood why she had been so insistent. He wanted to be in their room. He could feel Ray there, he could smell him. He stopped and put his hand on the door. He leaned against it suddenly, then slid to the floor, crying.

He had lost the awareness of time, but he realized when he felt someone's arms go around his shoulders that he must have been there almost half an hour. He heard Francesca's voice. "Benton? It's okay. I'm just going to get you off the floor and help you clean up. I'll get some tissues and something to wash your face in a few minutes. Did you want to stay in here?" She put her hand on the door and he nodded. "Okay." She opened the door and helped him to the bed.

He tried to look away from her, but he was afraid Mrs. Vecchio would be upset if he stayed in there. "Do you think your mother will mind if I stay here?"

She smiled at him and covered him with the blanket. "No, Benton. It's your decision and this is your room. Will you be okay until I get back?"

He nodded again and she left. He was asleep when she returned.

End of part 1 (?)