Feeling Fine
By Sharron Ibbitson
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: mailto:shaz_kowalski@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: As much as I wish they did, none of these characters belong to me, they belong to Alliance and the actors that portray them.
Thanks to Kelly for beta reading for me. Also thanks to Mary-Ann for her continued encouragement. (See I didn't say nagging!)
I decided to write this piece when I found out that a close friend of mine was struck down with this illness, Vicky I wish you well.
This piece takes part shortly after Odds.
Feeling Fine
By Sharron Ibbitson
Ray Kowalski leaned heavily against the work surface as he impatiently waited for the kettle to boil. He emptied three aspirin into the palm of his hand and downed them dry. He had had a major headache all day, and couldn't wait to go home. When the kettle finally boiled he poured it onto his coffee and heaped in a handful of Smarties, he then turned round intending to go back to his desk, but found himself face to face with his lieutenant.
"Sir" he acknowledged and began to turn away again, but Welsh's voice prevented him from doing so.
"Ray, are you okay son?" Welsh asked gently, stunning Ray with his gentle tone.
"I'm fine sir" he replied, continuing towards his desk.
When Ray rotated his neck for the hundredth time in one day, Fraser once again picked up on Ray's movement.
"Ray have you hurt your neck?" he asked,
"Na, Frase, I'm good. I'm just a bit stiff, must be from jumping through the skylight or being blown into a wall by an explosion"
"As long as you're sure that that's all it is" Fraser responded still not convinced but willing to let the subject drop.
"I'm gonna get a coffee, you want one?" Ray asked after a moment.
"No Thank You Ray, I'm fine" Fraser responded, noticing that Ray had drunk almost a whole pot of coffee in a matter of hours. Ray nodded then made his way back to the rest room. Fraser was just walking back to his partner's desk, when he literally bumped into Welsh.
"Sorry sir" Fraser muttered and continued on his way.
"Ah constable?"
"Yes sir?"
"Where's Vecchio?"
"Taking a coffee hit" Fraser replied with a ghost of a smile.
"Constable, is Vecchio okay? It's just he seems to have picked up a neck injury, and I caught him popping half a bottle of aspirin earlier. He has seemed quiet and withdrawn all day, I was just wondering?" Welsh told the Mountie.
"To be honest sir, I was having doubts myself, but he did drop quite a way through the skylight, so he may have just injured himself" Fraser informed his indirect superior, partly trying to convince himself. Welsh nodded and continued on his way.
Ray managed to last the day, and was greatly relieved when he had dropped Fraser off at the consulate, he had had a raging headache all day, and his neck had been killing him. To top it all off he had had a very bad night sleep the previous night. He sighed deeply as he walked through his apartment door, he hadn't eaten since breakfast, but he wasn't particularly hungry, so he just wanted to go to bed. It was only six in the evening, but he had the idea that he would feel a lot better if he had a good night's sleep.
Ray made it till about 10pm before the nausea kicked in and he was forced to run to the bathroom before he began coughing up the contents of his stomach, which only amounted to cups of coffee, then the painful dry heaves kicked in. He slouched beside the toilet, lacking the energy to move. He didn't know how long he sat there for before he struggled to his feet and staggered back to his bed. He curled up in a little ball under the covers, shivering violently, a sweat had broken out on his forehead, as he gradually drifted off to a restless sleep.
The next morning Ray felt even worse than he had the day before, he even lacked the energy to pull himself out of bed, after an hour of trying, he managed to stumble to the bathroom, when he had thrown handfuls of water over to face to try to wake up he looked in the mirror, but a stranger stared back at him, a man with his hair flattened to his face, deep lines around his eyes, and a pale complexion. Ray found that he really looked and felt terrible. He decided that he couldn't face a day at the precinct, so he moved slowly back to his bedroom, where he rung the precinct. Frannie answered the phone.
"Frannie, it's Ray" he said not even recognising his own voice.
"Ray? Are you okay?" she asked, feeling concerned.
"Um yeah, I think I've come down with this flu bug, there is no way that I am gonna be able to make it in today, could you tell Welsh for me?"
"Sure, but if you need anything, let us know? Promise?"
"Sure Frannie and thanks" Frannie hung up the phone and made her way into Welsh's office.
"Sir, Ray just rung in sick, he's not gonna make it in today"
"What's wrong with him?" he asked, his attention fully aroused
"He sounded terrible, he says he's got that flu bug"
"Okay, thanks Miss Vecchio" Frannie nodded and turned to leave, "Oh and sir, is it okay if I take an hour off later to go and make sure that he is okay?"
"Knock yourself out Miss Vecchio" he replied with a grin, not surprised that he had after all been sick, glad that someone was going to make sure he was okay. "Oh and Miss Vecchio? Send him my best" She returned the grin and nodded before leaving.
Frannie waited until her lunch hour, before she went down to a local deli and bought Ray some chicken soup, then she went to his apartment. She knocked on the door several times, and was concerned when she got no answer, eventually she went in search of the land lady who let her into the apartment, only out of her own worry for her favourite tenant.
The whole apartment was quiet and there was no sign of Ray, she made her way into the bedroom, where Ray was huddled under the cover soaked in sweat and shivering. She watched his almost laboured breathing for a moment before stepping forward to feel his forehead, she gasped as she felt the heat radiating from him, and she then went into the bathroom to try to find a thermometer to give her an accurate reading. She gently shook Ray awake, and her concern was alleviated when he awoke confused and disorientated. She promptly took his temperature and settled him back in bed, she quietly made her way back to the lounge, where she picked up the phone and dialled the number of the consulate.
"Canadian consulate, constable Benton Fraser speaking" Fraser answered.
"Frase it's me Francesca, I'm at Ray's. Fraser I'm very worried, he's really sick"
"Francesca, what's wrong with him?" Fraser questioned frantically.
"He rung in sick this morning, he said he had the flu, but he's burning up, and he's got a terrible rash and he looks really bad, can you help please Fraser?" She asked without taking a breath.
"I'll be there as soon as I can" he responded quickly hanging up the phone. He scribbled a note for Thatcher, leaving it on the desk of his superior officer. He practically run outside of the consulate and hailed cab, he arrived at Ray's apartment a mere ten minutes later. He run straight up after paying the driver and used his spare key to enter.
"Frannie?" he called out as he entered the main room, she came running out of the bathroom.
"Quick Fraser, I think it's serious" she told him, dragging him into Ray's bedroom. He was shocked by what he saw, his best friend lay huddled and shivering, very pale but flushed. He walked nearer, and gently spoke to his friend not getting any response. He placed his hand against his friend's forehead, and was almost burnt, he pulled back the covers and stared in concern at the bruise like rash that covered his arms.
"Frannie will you please get me a glass beaker from the kitchen?"
"Do you want water in it?"
"No just empty please" she looked puzzled, but did as she was told. A minute later she returned and handed the glass to Fraser, who took it out of her hand and applied gentle pressure to the rash on Ray's arm rolling the glass along it. He watched carefully, and the rash didn't fade under the glass, he sighed deeply, having a very good idea of what was wrong with his friend.
"Francesca I think that you had better call for an ambulance" he said quietly and Frannie immediately went and did so. Fraser sat and held Ray's hand while they waited for the ambulance to arrive. Ten minutes later the paramedics had arrived and were loading Ray into the ambulance, after having placed an oxygen mask over his face, Fraser clambered into the ambulance next to his friend and Francesca drove her car behind.
Frannie arrived at the hospital very quickly having completed very little of the journey under the speed limit, she dashed straight to the waiting area, where Fraser was waiting for her.
"Any news?" she asked panting.
"Nothing, but he doesn't look very well" Fraser replied, together they sat there for some time before the doctor came to see them.
"Are you here for Detective Vecchio?" he asked them and at their nod he continued. "Well I'm afraid that Detective Vecchio is very ill. He is suffering from Meningitis. I don't know how much you know about the disease but it can be fatal. Meningitis is an inflammation of the tissues that cover the brain and spinal cord. The rash is due to the blood poisoning that Meningitis causes, it prevents the blood from reaching the vital organs. It is more common in Europe than it is here, but most people carry Meningitis it is just that it doesn't usually show itself unless there is a weakness of some sort in the immune system, such as a long bout of flu. 90% of sufferers survive before the septicaemia sets in and nearly 50% survive afterwards. Most people manage to make a full recovery however I must make you aware that some are left with serious debilitating disabilities, such as, deafness, blindness, brain damage, serious headaches, stiffness in joints, ataxic gait, poor co-ordination, epilepsy, tissue damage, amputation of limbs, arthritis, weakness or paralysis. They also suffer from some mental affects such as depression, clinginess, tiring easily, moodiness, aggression, memory loss, learning difficulties, behavioural problems, and personality changes. Now I'm not saying that any of these will be the case with detective Vecchio, and even if he does suffer from these they may only be temporary, but I have to make you aware of the danger. He was very lucky that you acted so promptly, a mere hour later and it may have been too late" Frannie felt the tears rolling down her face.
"Will he be all right doctor?" she asked.
"We just don't know, it is too early to tell. We'll have to wait and see. At the moment he is on full life support while his body recovers"
"Thank you doctor, may we see him now?" Fraser asked.
"They are just getting him settled in his room, after that I'll send a nurse to come and get you" he replied, with a nod before he left.
"I'd better let the lieutenant know what's going on" Frannie told Fraser. He nodded and sat back down whilst Frannie went on the hunt for a pay phone. She eventually found one and dialled the number of the precinct, Welsh himself answered.
"27th" he responded.
"Sir, this is Francesca Vecchio"
"Ms Vecchio what is your definition of 'just popping out to check on your brother', because mine certainly isn't taking two and a half hours"
"Sir, Ray's in the hospital"
"What? Why? What is wrong with him?" at this point Frannie's tears once more started to flow.
"He's got meningitis sir" she replied.
"What?" Welsh exclaimed knowing the seriousness of the disease. He felt very paternal towards Kowalski, and was very fond of the younger man.
"It's really bad sir" she continued, tears streaming down her face.
"I'll be there in twenty" he barked before disconnecting and leaving the precinct.
Welsh was good to his word and arrived less than twenty minutes later, he rushed straight over to where the nurse had directed him. He found Francesca immediately, he could tell she had been crying by her puffy eyes and red face.
"Francesca?" he asked gently, "How's he doing?"
"I don't know. It's bad, he was having trouble breathing, so they put him on life support, and you shoulda heard the long list of side effects when he finally 'recovers'" she responded, barely suppressing her sobs. Welsh squeezed her shoulder, hoping to offer her support. He held back his own anger, and frustration.
"Are we allowed to see him?"
"Yeah, Ben's in with him now" no sooner had the words left her mouth than Fraser walked out of a nearby room, looking rather shell shocked. "How is he?" Frannie asked excitedly.
"Um, well he is being given a rather aggressive drug to fight off the infection through an IV, he looks terrible" Fraser stated, and both Americans were shocked to see the usually stoic Mountie giving in to emotion. Welsh shook his head, and asked if he was allowed to visit his subordinate. "Yes sir, I believe you can, you just have a moment though" Welsh nodded his thanks, and made his way into the quiet sterile room. He gasped at the sight presented to him. Ray was deeply unconscious with several tubes going into his arms; he had a monitor to measure his heart rate, and a tube breathing for him. Welsh looked on sadly, apparently the younger man had a good chance of making a full recovery, as the disease had been caught early enough, which was a good thing, however it broke Welsh's heart to see the younger man that sick. He sat by his friend for ten minutes just watching his chest rise and fall, before leaving, after gently ruffling the younger man's hair. He exited the room, and Frannie could immediately tell how bad Ray must look, by the shocked expression on Welsh's face. She stood up and slowly walked up to Welsh, she gave him a hug, then made her way into her pretend brother's room.
She sat down besides his bed, and gently held his hand, he looked so sick, but she knew he would fight it. He always fought, but the hardest fight would be when he started the recovery process. She sighed and looked at his pale face, she would be there to help him through. She placed a soft kiss on his forehead then left the room.
Seven days passed in a similar way, then the doctor decided that Ray's body could handle being woken from the sedative. They had been slowly decreasing the dose, and the ventilator tube had already been removed. Ray was doing much better, but nobody would know the extent of his recovery until he had woken up.
It was eight days since Ray's admittance that Fraser finally saw the first flicker of his eyelashes. He moved forward so that his friend could see him.
"Ray? Ray can you hear me?" he asked gently, Ray slowly opened his eyes, and began wildly looking around.
Ray didn't know where he was, he tried to move, but none of his limbs would obey, the whole room was dark. He felt sick and tired, but he knew Fraser was near by. He struggled to speak to his friend.
"Fraser?" he whispered, and felt as though what little energy he had, had just been used up. Fraser felt his heart leap into his throat, at his friend's weak voice; he leaned over and pressed the call button before speaking to his friend.
"Yes Ray. I'm here. How do you feel?" Fraser asked gently. Ray sighed, rolled his eyes, and shook his head. Fraser laughed. "Like that huh?" he replied glad when he managed to raise a weak grin from his friend. Less than a minute later a doctor entered the room, and Fraser had to leave.
It seemed like forever before the doctor finally emerged, but in reality it was a mere thirty minutes. Fraser looked on anxiously, and Francesca was standing eagerly by his side. The doctor cleared his throat before he told them the news.
"Well, it seems that Mr Vecchio is suffering from some side affects of his illness. However the severity of the affects won't be known for a couple of days. He is extremely sensitive to light, also he has no movement in any of his limbs, although we are confident this will disappear with time. He has to concentrate to hear you clearly, so try to speak loudly and clearly when you talk to him, and make sure you talk directly to him. At the moment he is extremely weak and tires easily. You should be very careful about what you say to him, as he will be quick to angry and probably fighting depression" the doctor stated.
"But is he going to be all right?" Francesca asked quickly.
"There is a good chance he'll return to normal within twelve to eighteen months" Frannie gasped.
"That long?"
"Well Miss Vecchio, your brother is very sick, and he isn't out of the woods yet" Frannie nodded before excusing herself to go and see Ray, that is until the doctor prevented her from doing so. "Sorry Miss Vecchio, your brother needs his rest, come by tomorrow and you can see him" he enforced, she sighed before surrendering.
Francesca arrived early the next day to visit Ray before going to work. She gently opened the door and entered the room, the lights were turned down low, so she assumed that the light still hurt his eyes. She clutched his hand and his eyes shot open.
"Hi" she greeted gently.
"Hi Frannie" he whispered croakily.
"So how are you?" she asked, and she could clearly see his ears straining to catch what she was saying. He shrugged his shoulders by way of reply. "DO you want to go back to sleep?" she asked, and he nodded. "GO on then" she replied, staying by his side until he had drifted off, before setting off to work.
Early the next morning Francesca returned to the hospital. She quietly entered the room, and sat beside Ray's bed, his eyes slowly came open.
"Hey" he whispered.
"How you doing?" she asked, gently clutching his hand in her own.
"Like I was hit by a truck" he replied, she smiled softly.
"I was so worried. We all were. Most of the precinct have been down to see you" she informed him. He nodded. "I'm sure you'll get better, you'll be just fine" she reassured him, although she knew in her heart that she was reassuring herself.
"They don't know if I'll be able to walk again" Ray said suddenly, his eyes shimmering bright with tears.
"Of course you will silly. You'll be just fine. You're strong, fit and young. You'll be fine Ray. I'll help you. I'll drag you to ya feet if I have to" she rambled with a grin, Ray smiled in response.
"Thanks Frannie, I mean for being here and everything. But even the doctors can't be sure I'll be able to walk. You know what that means? I can't be a cop no more, then I ain't got nothin' to live for. I may as well of died, for all the use I am to anyone. At least when I can walk I can maybe jump in the way of a bullet of chase bad guys, now what can I do? I ain't no good at reading or writing, and I can't be a desk jockey. So tell me Frannie what can I do? There's nothin' good about me left" Ray stated, voice rising with each word. He now had tears streaming down his face, and was breathing extremely hardly.
"Ray, Ray just calm down. Take a deep breath. Now you listen to me mister, there are a lot of people out there, myself included, that happen to like having you around, in fact we like it a whole lot. Now if you had a died, how do ya think that would of made us feel huh? We love ya Ray. And not for who you pretend to be but for who you are! You Stanley Raymond Kowalski! We love you, ya dumb idiot!" Frannie continued "I love ya! You mean the world to me, in fact I probably couldn't go on without ya!" Raymond blinked back surprised eyes and stared at Frannie.
"Sorry, guess I'm being dumb again huh?" he answered.
"Do not do that! Don't put yourself down all the time. You're a great cop, a great friend and a great person. There's more to you than just jumping in front of bullets or chasing filthbags, you know that Ray.
"Dirtbags"
"What?"
"It's Dirtbags not Filthbags"
"Oh well anyway, just think positive and you can do anything, I have faith in you, have faith in yourself" Ray nodded before promptly falling asleep.
The next week passed in pretty much the same way, with Fraser and Frannie visiting everyday. It was three weeks after Ray's admittance to hospital that his physiotherapy began. He was hoisted into a wheelchair and wheeled down to a room. He had insisted on being alone he didn't want to see Fraser or Frannie, while he tried to walk. His therapist talked through what she expected him to do. He used his armed to pull himself to his feet and tightly clutched a bar on either side of him. He was visible shaking with the strain and his face was deathly pale. He concentrated on dragging one foot in front of the other, and by the end of the hour he had successfully moved three metres by himself and exhausted himself in the process, so much so that by the time Fraser arrived in the evening Ray was already asleep in bed, looking pale, with deep lines of exhaustion around his face. Fraser sighed, knowing that his friend would try to push himself too far, and hoping that he would be there to help him.
The next day Ray found his physiotherapy slightly easier, and with each day he got further with less effort. The doctor's were very pleased with his progress. Just six weeks after his admittance he was released from the hospital, and one month after that he was allowed back at work on light duties. Fraser was right though his friend did push himself too far.
It was a night just one week after his release from the hospital. Ray was laying back watching television as a football game was on. Fraser was due over later, and they were going to have pizza. Ray was feeling much better, and he could walk, not very far, but he could walk. Anyway Ray decided that a nice stroll to the park would do him good, he was feeling fine until he was about halfway to the park, then his legs decided that they didn't want to walk any further. His left leg cramped up, and gave out on him. Resulting in a nasty gash to the head and an ambulance ride to the hospital.
Fraser was just walking back to his desk when the phone started ringing. He got the shock of his life when it was the hospital on the other end asking him to go and collect his partner. He quickly scribbled a note down to Thatcher and run out of the consulate hailing a cab and arriving at the hospital a mere twenty minutes later. He looked at his partner, and Ray looked away, 'good he feels guilty' Fraser thought to himself. Once the partners had all the paperwork dealt with and Ray was released into Fraser's care. Fraser didn't utter a word until the two had arrived at Ray's apartment. Ray just sat in silence, awaiting the lecture, he didn't have to wait long.
"Just what the hell did you think you were doing?" Fraser asked as soon as he was through the door. Ray knew that any answer he gave would be wrong, so he decided to go with the truth.
"I wanted some fresh air, and thought it would do me good" Ray muttered.
"You thought it would do you good? A trip to the hospital is good for you is it?" Fraser ranted.
"Well not that bit, but the park. I just wanted to stretch my legs. I thought I could make it but I obviously couldn't"
"Obviously" Fraser replied sarcastically, and instantly regretted it when he saw the tears streaming down his friend's face. Ray's emotions were still very unstable after his illness, and he got upset and frustrated easily. "Ray I'm sorry. I was just worried, that's all. You shouldn't push yourself so hard"
"I am sorry. I didn't wanna worry ya. I just.... I thought I could do it, but I couldn't. I mean I wanted to prove I'm not useless, but I guess I am" Ray responded quietly tears streaming.
"You are not useless! You just have to give yourself time to recover, look after yourself, allow your body and mind time to heal and you'll get through this" Ray nodded.
"I guess. And I really am sorry" Fraser nodded accepting his friend's apology and understanding his frustrations, but not condoning them. He had displayed uncharacteristic anger, but it seemed to have done the trick as Ray meekly went to bed, and behaved himself from then on until he was deemed fit to return to desk duty.
After his return to the precinct it took a further six gruelling months before Ray was strong enough emotionally and physically to return to full duty. In that time Fraser had dutifully stuck by his side, helping him with paperwork and filing. Ray was impatient with his recovery and pushed himself at physiotherapy, until he built his strength up.
His first day back on full duty was a worry for Fraser and Francesca, especially Frannie, as she couldn't keep an eye on him as Fraser could.
Just before Ray and Fraser set off for the day Ray was called into Welsh's office. He slowly walked into the office. Welsh shook his head, although his friend looked a lot better, he still lacked his usual energy, that made him bounce off the walls. Everytime Ray looked at Welsh, Welsh saw the pale shell of a man laying on life support in hospital.
"Now Ray, I know you feel better and have been cleared for duty, but I still want ya ta take it easy ok?"
"Sir, honestly I feel fine. It's been nine months since I was taken ill, I'm good now"
"That as may be, but I remember just how sick you were, and so do the rest of the precinct, now I don't wanna have ta visit ya in hospital later, understand?"
"Yes sir. And sir I appreciate everything you did for me while I was sick, but honestly I am fine now. I still tire easy and I don't have as much energy as I used to. My legs get achy sometimes but I am better sir" Ray responded hoping to reassure his friend, however he had the opposite effect.
"Jesus and you call that fine?"
"It's all relative sir" Ray replied with a grin. Nobody knew what had transpired between the two during Ray's recovery. Nobody know about the nights Welsh had held Ray while he sobbed himself to sleep in the hospital, or the times that Welsh had brought Ray home to dinner to try to help him to gain some of the vast amount of weight he had lost during his illness. Welsh had been there when Ray's parents had been unable to visit due to their own ill health. Welsh had been there whilst Frannie and Fraser were working and Welsh had been there whenever Ray needed a friend.
"Yes Vecchio, I suppose it is. Now off ya go, and be careful out there" Welsh replied, then surprised Ray by pulling him into a fierce hug, almost knocking the wind out of the younger man. Ray nodded then went to meet his partner. Ray and Dief walked on ahead towards Ray's GTO, Fraser followed, just as he went to leave Welsh called out to him.
"Constable, take care of him for me" Fraser nodded.
"I certainly will sir" he responded, as he always looked out for his friends.
Ray had been back on active duty for two months, he still pulled shorter shifts, and he still tired easier than usual, but altogether he was feeling fine. That is until he and Fraser were forced to run half a mile in pursuit of a suspect over rooftops no less.
Ray was actually gaining on the man, and Fraser was no where to be seen, as he couldn't see his partner he decided to go for it and dived in for a rugby tackle. He caught the suspect behind the knees and the two of them went down. It was then that Ray noticed Fraser a mere ten metres behind him. He read the man his rights and cuffed him while gasping for breath. Fraser pulled the man to his feet, and held his hand out to Ray, who shook his head.
"Na Frase, you take him back to the car, I'll be right behind you in a minute" he responded, and waited till Fraser had turned away, before he rubbed his leg in agony. He didn't know what he had done to it but it bloody hurt.
Fraser had to resist from turning round to look for his partner, and from going back and carrying him down. Ray insisted he was all right, and Fraser had to respect that. He waited by the car for half an hour before calling for a unit to take the prisoner away. Luckily a unit arrived almost straight away. As soon as they had gone he sprinted back to his partner who was more or less where he had left him.
"Ray are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine, just think I sprained my ankle, over did it or something" Ray responded, looking anything but fine. Fraser shook his head before helping Ray to limp back down to the car. He drove him straight home, and helped him into his own apartment.
"Don't look at me like that" Ray said with his eyes closed.
"Like what Ray?" Fraser asked innocently.
"Look it had nothing to do with me being sick. I just over did it a bit that's all. I'm okay, it's nothing to worry about, I'm fine, so don't look at me like that, as if you're wondering whether to phone the doctor or the ambulance first."
"Actually a doctor did cross my mind, but I agree. I think you just overdid and with a couple of days rest you'll be fine, well as fine as you've ever been since your illness"
"Really?"
"Why of course Ray. Now why don't you get showered while I cook us something to eat?" Fraser responded. Ray gingerly pulled himself to his feet and made his way slowly to the bathroom, that Mountie sure was full of surprises.
This time Fraser didn't resist in watching his friend. A human was a very fragile thing, and he wanted to make sure that Ray didn't break.
The end
Well actually there may be a sequel I haven't decided yet.
Meningitis is a life threatening disease that can affect almost anybody. Unfortunately awareness of the disease has been very poor up until recently, and still is in some countries. A number of people die each year from this illness, many of which are young children or babies, and many more any left with disabilities such as losing limbs or having headaches for the rest of their life. Some are left with permanent deafness or speech impediments. The idea of this story was not to raise paranoia but to raise awareness so that more people are aware of the illness that the symptoms represent. Caught early enough and it can be treated, so please be aware, it could save your life.