This is my first fic involving anything that's close to NC-17, so please be kind. I only realized after I finish writing it that this might qualify as a response to Lex's "Ep that leads to sex" challenge and if you stretch it a little, it might even qualify for the Fraser saying the 'F' word challenge. Meg, that was your challenge wasn't it? But really, I wasn't planning on answering any challenges when I wrote this. Just had to get the thing outta my head.

Thanks to Kittie, Tori, Meg and Sama for their beta efforts. There was another one but somwhere between Australia and Malaysia, I lost her post... Any additional mistakes belong to me. And yes Kittie, I did watched HCL though that part was NOT intentional. *g* Finally, to Jerry, you can now stop bugging me about it!! *g*

Disclaimers: Not mine, no money, sue at your own risk.

Warnings: A little spoiler for Ladies Man, angst, suicidal thoughts, angst, and did I mention angst?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

By Eugenie Chua

Fraser chided himself for not being able to comfort his friend the way he wanted to, not being able to give Ray a hug, like any other friend would have done, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He just could not. So he did the next best thing and put his arm around Ray in a comforting gesture, hoping that it was enough, yet knowing that it wasn't and never would be...

* * *

As Ray opened the door to his apartment, he could feel Fraser's eyes on him, observing his every move. He was too tired to drive the Mountie back to the consulate, so he had asked Fraser if he would mind walking home. Fraser had said no. Now he couldn't help but wonder why the other man had followed him up. He really wasn't in the mood for company.

He let out a sigh as the opened door displayed his ransacked apartment, reminding him of the nearly fatal mistake he had made, the mistake that cost Beth Botrelle eight years of freedom and agony...

She thanked me...how could she?! How?! Ray's mind screamed at him. God, I suck! he thought as he proceeded to pick up and clear out the mess that those goons had made. A remote part of his mind managed to register Fraser helping him.

More than an hour later, some sort of order was finally restored. Ray was heading towards the shower when he suddenly remembered Fraser was still there with him.

Why can't he just leave me alone? But out loud, he said, "There's tea in the cupboards if ya want some."

"Thank you kindly, Ray," came the ever polite reply.

Leaving the other man in the living room, Ray stepped into the bathroom. Turning the shower on as hot as he could stand, he let the water run down him, feeling the malice of the heat on his skin, wondering if this was how it felt to be burning in hell. He let out a bitter laugh at that thought. Yeah, burning in hell, that was where he was supposed to be: in hell... burning... paying for the horrible crime he had committed against Beth.

He finally stepped out of the shower after what seemed like an eternity.

You really suck! Ray thought, staring at his reflection in the mirror. Only thing yer good at is messin' things up. First with Dad, then Stella, Fraser and now Botrelle. How could she thank me?! How could she forgive me?! How?! But Ray did not vocalize his thoughts. Ya never would have caused so much trouble and pain if ya weren't here to begin with, he silently told the reflection. He shook his head and lowered his gaze, feeling the sudden anger that rose in him. Anger against himself, against his stupidity for not reading the note, anger against his own existence... His right hand was in a fist so tight that his nails were digging into his palm, but he didn't notice the pain. All he could think of was the pain he had caused others. They wouldda been better off without ya in their life!

Looking up into the mirror again, he suddenly couldn't stand the image it displayed. And he did the only thing he could think of.

Glittering pieces of glass in various shape and sizes littered his bathroom. Picking up a large piece that had fallen into the sink, he stared at his reflection. Incomplete. Like the glass in his hand, incomplete. He looked at his other hand. It would be so easy to end it all right now, so easy to end the suffering and pain he had caused, so easy... so tempting... And as if it was alive, the glass found its way to his left wrist...

"Ray?" a concerned voice came from the bathroom door, belonging to someone he could never have, a voice that he could just listen to forever, that beautiful voice... "Ray!" the voice became more urgent as though the speaker realized the severity of the situation.

Ray didn't say a word as Fraser slowly moved closer to him, he just stared at the glass and his wrist... the idea of ending everything then and there was alluring; he could sense the darkness rising and consuming him. It would be so easy...to press the glass onto his skin and pull it back...so effortless...

"Ray!" there was the voice again, only this time, actions accompanied it as he felt the glass being snatched away from him. Letting out a cry of loss, he felt a hand clasp his left wrist, applying pressure. Looking down, he saw it was Fraser's hand, and red fluid was seeping through the fingers. Blood... his blood. The sight of it snapped him back into reality.

Fraser finally found a towel on the rack and wrapped it around the self-inflicted wound. Self-inflicted...did he really do it? He knew he was thinking about it, but hadn't realized that he had actually performed the act. Was he that out of it? Maybe he was, but he didn't really care. He probably deserved it. No, scratch that, he did deserve it.

After taking care of the left hand, Fraser proceeded to check on his other hand where several small pieces of the mirror had impaled themselves on his fist when he hit it.

"Good, the cuts aren't too deep. I could probably manage without taking you to the hospital."

"Great. No hospitals," he muttered under his breath as Fraser took care of him.

* * *

Half an hour later, Fraser had cleared up the mess he had made in the bathroom and both of them were on the couch. Ray was looking everywhere but at Fraser, who was watching his every movement like a hawk.

"Ray," Fraser finally broke the silence between them. "What the hell did you think you were doing?!" Ray could almost hear the well controlled rage in his friend's voice.

Ray turned to looked at Fraser, surprised to hear the Canadian swear. He mustta be really pissed off to be swearin' like that, God I really did fuck up this time didn't I?

"Yes you did," came the reply.

"I said that out loud?" Ray wasn't aware that he had spoken his thoughts out loud, or at least the last part of it.

"Yes."

"Yeah. Guess I did. Bet even you can't read minds," Ray said with a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"No, I can't read minds, but now, I really wish that I could, just to know what's going on in that head of yours." Fraser's tone was snappish, barely containing his anger. Ray couldn't help wonder if the other man would feel better just letting it all out by biting his head off.

"Benton-buddy, trust me. You don't want to be goin' there."

"You're not me. How would you know what I want?"

Silence. Then Fraser let out a sigh, as though he was letting all the anger out the Fraser way, getting himself under control.

"Ray, please, talk to me." This time, Ray could hear concern in Fraser's voice. Looking the other man in the eyes only confirmed it.

"I...I..."

"Ray?"

Ray couldn't look at Fraser, he didn't want to look at Fraser. "Not now, Frase. Just not now."

"All right. Come on. Let's get you to bed. You must be tired."

"Yeah. Whatever."

Ray let Fraser lead him to his bedroom and by the time his head hit the pillow, he was already half asleep, the exhaustion from the past two days finally catching up with him. He felt Fraser hovering above him, tucking him in for the night. He hadn't been tucked in since he was a kid and that had always made him felt loved and secure. The thought made him smile. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes. Fraser was standing beside the bed, looking at him.

He's so beautiful...Ray couldn't help himself.

"Go to sleep Ray," he said quietly and Ray obediently closed his eyes.

Just as he was about to slip into a deep sleep, he sensed rather than felt Fraser moving away. "Stay." He said in a sleep-laden voice. Some part deep inside of him knew that he really didn't want to be alone. "'Lenty o'space on bed fer both." He managed.

A sigh came from somewhere near his bedroom door, then: "Very well."

Some shuffling noise and Ray felt a warm, comforting presence beside him. Curling up against it, sleep finally claimed him.

* * *

A ray of sunlight shone through the crack between the curtains and landed on the face of its namesake who was lying curled up against his friend, with said friend holding onto him as though he was the most precious thing in the world. Both were sound asleep, oblivious to the world that was waking up outside.

* * *

Someone was holding him and it felt good, really good. It had been too long since he had awakened with someone beside him. He was warm, content and most importantly, he felt secure and safe. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this safe with someone, not even with Stella, especially later in their relationship. He was always afraid that he'd wake up one day and find her gone, and that was exactly what happened. But not today.

Blinking, Ray finally opened his eyes and found himself face to face with a still sleeping Fraser.

Minutes passed as Ray just lay there, looking at Fraser. As the rest of his body slowly caught up with his mind, Ray suddenly realized that he had an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Carefully, he untangled himself from Fraser, trying not to wake his friend, and tip-toed into the bathroom.

Ray stared at the wall where the mirror normally was and the events from last night came rushing back to him. The sight of his bandaged right hand and left wrist only confirmed that his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. Looking around the bathroom, he realized Fraser had cleared up all the glass. Ray could have just stood in front of the sink for hours if his bladder had not reminded him why he was here in the first place.

He was washing his hands when he felt Fraser's gaze on him.

"Mornin'," he said without looking back.

"Good morning."

"And I'm fine," Ray said, guessing Fraser's next question.

"Ray..."

"Frase, I don't wanna talk about it." Ray turned and looked at his friend. "At least not now." He silently pleaded.

Fraser only nodded.

"Good. Now you do whatever you have to do in here and I'll see what I can dig up for breakfast."

* * *

Neither man said a word during breakfast. Fraser kept an eye out on Ray. Even after a full night's rest, Ray still looked tired and Fraser couldn't help notice the sadness that still lurked beneath the surface.

I could have lost him last night, I could have lost him, Fraser thought as he fixed his eyes on the bandaged hand and wrist. If I wasn't here last night...Stop it Benton Fraser, you don't want to go down that road. The important thing is you were there and there was no permanent damage done...God, I could have lost him! Oh Ray...

"What ya lookin' at?" Ray's voice snapped him back into reality.

"Nothing," he muttered.

"Fine."

The rest of the breakfast was finished the way it started, in silence.

* * *

Fraser joined Ray on the couch after he put the dishes away. Ray was petting Diefenbaker who was lying at his feet.

"Ray..." He never got the chance to finish.

"Look Fraser, thank you for doing the dishes, and I'm fine. You can stop worryin' and go home. No need for ya to be hangin' around," Ray said as he continued to pet Dief.

"Ray, you are not fine."

"Fraser..."

Fraser could hear the warning in the voice, but he chose to ignore it. He wasn't about to give up the fight, not about someone as important to him as Ray. "No matter what you might think, or what you might try to convince me to think, you are not all right, Ray. You tried to kill yourself last night and as far as I'm concerned, that is not something people who are 'fine' would do. Ray, please. Talk to me." Fraser echoed his words from the previous night.

* * *

Letting out a sigh, which seemed to be the only thing he could do right in the past couple of days, he finally managed to spit it out. "I suck." Even then, it was barely a whisper. "I'm so fucked up that wrecking my own life wasn't enough, that I had to destroy other people's lives on the way as well." Ray paused, not sure how to continue.

"Ray, you don't suck and you're not destroying anyone's life..."

"Don't try to make me fell better Fraser, 'cause ya know that ain't the truth." This time, Ray was on a roll, his voice getting louder as he spoke. "My Dad would've been better off without me disappointin' him, Stella would've been happier if she hadn't met me, Beth wouldn't have been in prison for eight, eight fucking years if I wasn't there to mess things up, and you wouldn't have a sorry excuse for a partner."

"Ray, Beth Botrelle would have been dead if it wasn't for you! And you are most definitely not a sorry excuse for a partner. As a matter of fact, I'm proud to have you as my partner."

"Can it Fraser, just stop it!" Ray yelled, standing up and turning away from Fraser, trying to calm himself down. "Just stop it."

"You know I don't lie." Fraser said quietly.

After a moment or so, Ray finally turned and looked at Fraser again, seeing the concern in the other man's eyes. Ray collapsed back onto the couch, suddenly feeling too tired for a fight. "I really suck," he muttered, leaning back and closing his eyes.

"No you don't, Ray. You don't," Fraser's voice floated over to him. "You never did 'suck' and never will."

Ray let out a disbelieving laugh and turned to look at Fraser. "How can ya be so sure? How can ya?!"

"Because I know you Ray."

"Know me?! Yeah. Yer a pretty lucky guy, having a good fer nothin' like me as a friend."

"Ray, please don't say that. You're a good man with a good heart and you are definitely not good for nothing."

"Stop trying to make me feel better, Fraser. It's not gonna work. Just go away. Go back to the consulate, take Dief for a walk, whatever, just leave me alone."

Silence once again filled the room as both men were lost in their own thoughts.

"Last night," Ray knew that tone, it was the 'I'm gonna tell ya a long story so don't interrupt' tone that he had used on him while telling him the story of the Robert MacKensie. "I didn't know what to expect when I heard the sound of the mirror breaking, but seeing you with that piece of glass at your wrist wasn't the first thing that came to my mind, and...and I nearly panicked." Fraser paused for a moment, drawing in a deep breath before continuing. "I couldn't remember ever being so scared before. So scared that I could do nothing but stand there, watching you. But something must have snapped in me, because the next thing I knew, I was right beside you, cleaning up the cut. I don't recall ever moving, or taking the glass out of your hand for that matter, but I must have. All I could think of was that I nearly lost you, if I had walked home last night, I would have lost you, and that thought really.... it really scares me." Fraser sounded as though he was on the verge of tears. Ray couldn't help but to look, and sure enough, there was moisture in his eyes.

"Frase?" Now it was Ray's turn to be concerned. He had never seen Fraser so worked up before. The other man always seemed so calm and in control that the idea of him being frightened by something terrified him. But what was Fraser trying to say? That he was afraid of losing him? Was he that important to him? "What are ya tryin' to say Frase?"

* * *

"What I'm trying to say is...that I don't want to lose you, Ray."

"Why? Am I that important to ya? I'm not even the real Vecchio, just this fucked up imposter."

"Please don't ever say that again, Ray. You're not fucked up and I've never wanted you to be Ray Vecchio. And yes, you are important to me." More than anything or anyone else in the world, he added mentally.

"Ya missed somethin' there."

"What?"

"Why?" Ray looked at him straight in the eyes when he asked.

"Because...because..." Tell him you idiot! Just tell him! "Because...I love you." There it was, finally out. Now he just needed to wait for Ray to freak out, then sock him, kick him in the head or do something along those lines. He didn't dare to look at Ray, afraid of what he might find.

* * *

"Ya mean that symbolically or somethin'?" Ray, repeating the words he had said months before, in a world that somehow seemed entirely different yet familiar, managed to sound more casual and relaxed than he actually was.

Silence. Maybe I heard wrong after all.

"No. Not symbolically." Came the reply.

"Or somethin' then," Ray said, looking at Fraser who had suddenly found the floor a fascinating sight.

"No. I... I..." Fraser looked up, right into Ray's eyes. "I meant it literally."

"Literally huh." It was Ray's turn to find the floor fascinating. He's just sayin' it to make ya feel better. God, ya really suck, makin' Fraser lie like that.

"Yes Ray, literally. I'm not saying this to make you feel better," Fraser added as though reading his mind. "I'm saying it because it's the truth."

Ray felt Fraser moving closer to him, a hand lifted his chin so he was looking right into Fraser's blue eyes, eyes that were telling him the same thing that the beautiful voice was saying. "Stanley Raymond Kowalski, I love you and please, I beg you not to repeat last night's performance again, because I don't think...I don't think I could live without you." And this time, tears did fall.

Couldn't live without me... Realizations of the severity of his actions last night dawned upon him. How could he have been so stupid? He could have lost Fraser without even knowing it, he could have lost everything...

"God...Frase, I...I...promise I won't do it again." Ray managed to say before he was drawn into a bone crushing embrace. "I'm sorry Ben, I didn't know. I'm so sorry," Ray whispered.

* * *

The sound of his first name from Ray's lips sounded like a homecoming he hadn't been aware he was yearning. Cupping Ray's face in his hands, he whispered against Ray's lips, "Now you know, Ray. Now you know," before leaning in for a kiss that was long overdue.

* * *

Permission was sought on both sides and was freely granted. Boundaries and fences that were once between them were crossed and torn down and in the end, there was nothing but the love the felt for each other.

Fraser was finally touching him the way he had dreamt he would. Ray could sense the darkness slowly lifting with every touch and kiss that Fraser was showering upon him.

Touch. All he could feel was Fraser touching him. Hands, lips, body, it didn't matter as long as Fraser was touching him. Sometime later, he felt the bed beneath his exposed skin, but he couldn't remember how it had happened. That didn't matter either.

Fraser was on top of him, kissing him, absorbing the darkness into his light, shielding and protecting him. That sense of security he'd felt earlier in the morning was back and he didn't want to lose it again, not ever.

Ray let out a gasp as he felt their erections touch and not long after, they set up a rhythm that was urgent, yet gentle at the same time. When Ray came, triggering Fraser's own climax, he felt a sense of completeness that he had not felt for so long flooding through him. Fraser completed him.

"Love ya, Ben. Love ya for so long..."

"I love you too, Ray and I don't want to lose you."

"Not if I can help it."

The light that was Fraser was slowly pulling him out of the darkness he had sunk into. He knew that it was still there, but with Fraser's light around him, giving him hope, he would never again be consumed by it.

* * *

Fraser gathered the sleeping detective into his arms in a protective embrace, finally able to comfort his partner, friend and....lover, the way he wanted to. He would do everything in his power to help Ray to get over his guilt. He raised Ray's left wrist to his lips and kissed the healing wound, hoping that his love for him would be enough to heal Ray's soul as well. It had to be, for that was everything he had to give, his undying love for Ray.

The End.

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