Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html

<PRE>

It's Only Words

Ray Vecchio stretched and yawned. His bed partner was already awake and ready to start his day.

"Benny, this is early even for you," Ray commented as he looked at the clock.

"Don't you remember, Ray? Today is the day I fly to Nunavut," Fraser answered.

"Shit! I did forget," said Ray. He started to climb out of bed.

"You don't have to get up, Ray. Like you said, it's still early."

"I want to get up, Benny. I'll drive you to the airport. It's the least I can do."

Fraser sighed. "I already had Mr. Mustafi call a taxi for me. It should be here soon. There's no need for you to go to any trouble for me."

Ray got up and pulled on a robe. "Benny, you go straight to Mustafi and tell him to cancel the taxi. I am going to drive you to the airport."

"As you wish, Ray," replied his partner, and did as Ray had told him.

When Fraser returned Ray pulled him down on to the bed. "Now let me say good morning properly," he said with an exaggerated leer.

"Ray," Fraser said tolerantly, "as much as I enjoy your attentions, I don't want to miss my flight."

Ray rolled on top of his lover. "Don't worry about that, Benny. I'm sure we have plenty of time for a quickie." He silenced further protests with a kiss.

When their 'quickie' was finished, Fraser looked at the clock. "Oh, dear," he said. "We must hurry."

"Don't worry about it, Benny. Flights almost never leave when they're supposed to. I'm sure you'll be fine."

The two men dressed quickly and hurried out to Ray's Buick Riviera. As they drove to the airport, Ray asked, "So, tell me again why you have to go to Nunavut. What's the big occasion?"

"Nunavut is a new territory, Ray. It's the first territory to be completely governed by the aboriginal people of the North. Canada Day marks the territory's first anniversary."

"So this is the first birthday for a new territory run by Inuit?" asked Ray, remembering Fraser's tales of his life among the native people of the far North.

"Dene, actually, Ray," Benny corrected.

"Dene. So there's some big Mountie thing happening up there?"

"You could put it that way. The Governor-General will be making an official visit and members of the RCMP always form her Honour Guard." Fraser looked a bit self-conscious. "It is a great honour to be chosen for Her Excellency's party."

"So the Governor-General is some type of royalty?" Ray inquired as he cut a corner.

"Driving, Ray," Fraser admonished. "Not exactly royalty. She is the Queen's official representative in Canada. Her duties include opening Parliament, making the Speech From The Throne..." Fraser's recitation of the Governor-General's duties took up most of the journey to the airport.

As Ray pulled up in front of O'Hare, he turned to his partner. "Have a good time, Benny. I'll uh, I'll miss you."

"And I you, Ray," said Fraser. He attempted to kiss Ray, but his partner pulled away. "Not here, Benny," he said. Fraser nodded, got out of the car and hurried into the airport.

As Ray drove away, he thought of what he *hadn't* said to Benny. Even though they had been sleeping together for several months, Ray had never said "I love you" to his partner. Benny had said it a few times at the beginning, until he'd realized he was not going to hear a similar declaration from Ray. So he'd just stopped saying it, never asking any questions, never inquiring if Ray loved him. He accepted what Ray was willing to give, it seemed, and never asked for more. Sometimes it made Ray feel like a selfish bastard, and he had even convinced himself that Benny deserved more, but he was also too selfish to give Benny up. Occasionally he wished that he could hear Benny say he loved him again, but he knew that as long as he wasn't willing to say the words himself, he wasn't likely to hear them from Fraser. //They're only words// he told himself. //Words don't mean anything. Benny must know how I feel about him.//

But really, were Ray's feelings that visible to the Mountie? Even though he slept with no one but Benny, Ray still flirted with plenty of women, including Louise St. Laurent. He assumed that Fraser knew he was faithful, though he'd never said anything either way. //Hmm. I should probably talk to him about that when he gets back// Ray thought.

Meanwhile, Fraser had hurried to the departure gate only to discover his flight had already left. He sighed. He'd tried to tell Ray they didn't have time for sex that morning, but Ray was difficult to dissuade. He supposed it had been just as much his own fault for giving in so easily. He went to buy a ticket for the next flight north.

The next day was a fairly quiet one in the 27th Precinct. Ray had picked up a shortwave radio on impulse and fiddled with the dial until he found a CBC feed coming from across the border. //Too bad we don't pick up Canadian television on that antique set// he thought, looking at the television mounted on the wall in the corner. //Would be nice to see Benny in his red uniform, riding in that Honour Guard thing. Of course, everyone here would think I was nuts for wanting to watch it. Except maybe Elaine.//

Ray tried to concentrate on his paperwork when a news bulletin on the radio caught his attention. "The parade and colour guard in honour of Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson's visit to Nunavut has been cancelled due to the crash of a small plane carrying several members of her entourage, including some RCMP officers. Her Excellency has declined to comment on the tragedy at this time. Names of the crash victims are being withheld pending notification of family."

Ray's blood turned to ice in his veins. //It's just a coincidence// he told himself. //Benny couldn't have been on that plane.// Someone turned up the volume on the television. "Hey, listen to this!" said Detective Huey. "There was a plane crash in Canada and they're saying it was connected to a flight coming from here in Chicago."

"Ray, wasn't Fraser supposed to be flying up to Canada this week?" asked Elaine.

"Yeah, he was," Ray whispered. //It's not true, Fraser is fine, some other plane crashed// Ray repeated in his mind. "I, uh, I think I should call the airport."

Unfortunately, the lines to the airport were jammed this close to the July 4th holiday as everyone seemed to be booking their vacations at the last minute. Ray swore under his breath and slammed the phone down. Then his lieutenant's voice boomed across the squadroom. "VECCHIO! My office!" Ray got up and answered the summons.

Lt. Welsh looked serious. "Vecchio, there is a phone call for you from Air Canada. It's private. You can take it in here." Welsh left the office and closed the door.

His hand trembling, Ray picked up the phone. The airline representative at the other end told him the news he'd been dreading: Fraser had been one of the passengers on the crashed commuter flight to Nunavut. There were no survivors. Ray was his designated next of kin, which was why he had been contacted.

"Have they recovered any ... remains yet?" Ray asked.

"No, sir," said the airline rep. "The crash happened in a rather remote area. Search and rescue teams are at the site, and the RCMP is assisting in the recovery."

Ray, functioning on autopilot, thanked the man on the phone and hung up.

Lt. Welsh came back in to the office. "Bad news?" he asked sympathetically.

"Fraser's dead," said Ray in a stunned voice. "I ... I have to make arrangements."

"I understand, Detective," said Welsh. "Take all the time you need."

"Thank you, sir," Ray croaked as he left the office. Everyone in the squad room could tell by Ray's face what his phone call had been about. No one knew what to say, so no one said anything.

Ray went home. He knew he should be doing something about funeral arrangements, but everything seemed beyond his ability at the moment. He wondered if the RCMP would want to take care of things. Fraser seemed to be back in their good graces lately, if this Governor- General thing was any indication.

Finally, he went to bed. He was suddenly exhausted. But he couldn't sleep. One thought kept repeating itself again and again in his mind. //I never told him I loved him. And now I never will.//

When Ray didn't come down for supper, his mother went upstairs to check on him. He told her the news: Fraser had been in a plane crash, and was dead. Ray had to make funeral arrangements. Mrs. Vecchio said various comforting, sympathetic things that Ray didn't hear, and brought him some soup, which he didn't eat.

Days passed. Ray had picked up Diefenbaker from Fraser's apartment and brought him home. The wolf was enjoying being spoiled by the various members of the Vecchio family, and did not seem at all distressed that his human wasn't coming back. Or maybe he just didn't know. Ray wished that he could be as blissfully unaware as Diefenbaker was.

Ray knew that he was practicing some form of denial. He hadn't done anything about a memorial service. Fraser's body hadn't been recovered, which was his excuse, but it probably never would be. The plane had caught fire on impact, and many of the bodies had been burned beyond the ability of even dental records to identify them. Ray didn't eat, and slept only when exhaustion overtook him and made sleep unavoidable. When he woke up from these 'naps', he would forget for a moment that Benny was dead, and would start looking forward to their next 'date.' Then the memory would hit him again and he would lie in his bed and wish for death. The only thing that stopped him from eating his gun was the knowledge that his family depended on him. And for the thousandth time, he would remember //I never told him that I loved him. And I will never have the chance to tell him now.//

About a week after the plane crash, Ray decided to go and clean out Fraser's apartment. It had to be done sometime, and Francesca had been making noises about doing it herself if Ray 'didn't want to.' Ray didn't want his sister pawing through Benny's things, so he made himself get up and go to the building on West Racine.

As he slowly climbed the stairs with Diefenbaker, Ray recalled that today would have been the day Benny returned from his trip. //One week// he thought. //It feels like forever, and it's only been a week.// He knew that he would have to move on with his life eventually. He had a job that wouldn't wait indefinitely. He had a family who needed him. But he couldn't imagine any kind of life without Benton Fraser in it.

"Why did you have to go and die on me, Benny?" Ray asked the walls in Fraser's apartment. He received no answer. He filled a bowl with water for Diefenbaker and started making coffee for himself. Suddenly he heard a key turning in the door.

//Who could that be? Benny's rent is paid till the end of July. Is Dennis in that much of a hurry to rent the place?// Ray got up, ready to challenge the building superintendent who he assumed was on the other side of the door.

Benton Fraser walked in to his apartment and saw his partner standing in the middle of the living room with his mouth hanging open. "Hello, Ray," said Benny. "I was expecting you to pick me up at the airport. Were you held up at work?"

Ray fainted.

"Oh, dear," said Fraser. He picked up his unconscious friend and carried him to the bed, where he sat and waited for him to wake up. He was rewarded in just a few minutes. Ray opened his eyes and stared at him.

"Are you all right, Ray?" Benny asked.

In response, Ray flung his arms around the Mountie and held on for dear life. "I'm happy to see you too, Ray," Ben said, bemused.

Ray started babbling incoherently, causing Fraser to seriously consider slapping him. Instead he placed a hand on his partner's shoulder and started to try and get his attention. "Ray! Ray! Ray, I have no idea what you are trying to tell me. Slow down, Ray! RAY!"

Finally the Italian stopped to catch his breath and Fraser was able to get a word in. "Ray, would you please explain to me what's going on? You look as if you haven't slept or eaten in days. "

Ray just sat and stared at him. Finally, he said, "You're dead."

"No, Ray, I am not dead. Did someone tell you that I was?"

"The airline told me," Ray responded softly.

"Oh! The plane crash. Oh, dear. Ray, I missed that flight - because of you, I might add. I hadn't realized my name was still on the passenger list. I am sorry, Ray. I was so busy helping with the recovery effort that I never stopped to think that I was supposed to be on that plane."

Suddenly the detective broke down and began to sob. He hadn't cried in as long as he could remember, even when he'd been told that Benny was dead. Fraser took Ray in his arms and held him until the sobs quieted.

Finally, Ray lifted his head and said, "Benny, there's something I need to tell you."

"What's that, Ray?"

"I love you, Benny."

Fraser swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. "I love you too, Ray. I ... I thought I would never hear you say that."

"I know, Benny. And I'm sorry. I should have told you a long time ago."

"Why didn't you, Ray?" Benny asked.

Ray sighed. "Because I convinced myself that if I didn't love you, that meant I wasn't gay. I could sleep with you all I wanted, but as long as I didn't love you, then nothing had changed, I was just as straight as I had always been. Not that I was ever all that straight," he added. "Once when I was a kid my Pop caught me fooling around with one of the other boys from the neighbourhood. We were just kids, exploring, experimenting. My Pop flew into a rage and beat me to within an inch of my life. He said that no son of his was going to be a faggot."

"I'm sorry, Ray."

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for, Benny. I should never have let you think that I don't love you, because I do. With all of my heart. If that makes me gay, then I'm gay."

"Ray, being gay is simply a part of who you are, just like being a detective, being Italian, being a son and a brother are parts of who you are. They are all parts that together make up the individual known as Ray Vecchio, the man that I love."

Ray pulled Fraser into an embrace and kissed him passionately. When he could breathe he said, "Benny, I want to make love with you. I don't want to have sex or make out or get laid, I want to make love. Can we do that?"

Fraser began removing his lover's clothes. "Of course we can, Ray."

"I love you, Benny."

"And I love you, Ray. Always."

END

</PRE>