"Patience"
By Viridian5
10/31/00

RATING: PG; Fraser/Kowalski. If m/m interaction bothers you, walk on by.
SPOILERS: none.
SUMMARY: Fraser tries to figure out the best way to deal with Ray and his own guilt.
ARCHIVAL/DISTRIBUTION: Hexwood and Serge. If some kind person feels that this story is appropriate for DSX and wouldn't mind posting it, that would be great as well. Anywhere else too, as long as you ask me first.
FEEDBACK: can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com
DISCLAIMERS: All things due South belong to Alliance no matter how much I want Ray K to belong to me. No infringement intended. Suing me would be a waste of time. Besides, I'd just kick you in the head.
NOTES: Fourth in the Thinking Twice series after
Enabling
Second Thoughts
Delayed Response

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"Patience"
By Viridian5
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I stared at the phone, fighting warring impulses. I missed Ray dearly. The last few days had been a slow, miserable hell, time dragging in the absence of his light and energy. Yet I stayed away to help him.

Or did I? Sometimes I admitted to myself that my reasons for staying away were every bit as self-serving as my ones for being with him. The last few days had given me ample time to think--too much, in fact--yet I came to no conclusions.

I decided to call after I asked myself how Ray thought and felt about my current absence from his life. I didn't know what might be going through his battered head. Perhaps he blamed himself.

I dialed without having to take even a moment to remember his number. I heard him pick up, then a heartrending grunt of pain, then a thump, then nothing, the call disconnected. Oh God. I put the phone down on the receiver, then immediately dialed again.

Please let him be all right. If he didn't answer within eight rings I'd run over there and get in if I had to break his door down to do it.

He picked up on the seventh. "Ray, are you all right?" I asked.

"Yeah, but I dropped the phone." He sounded a bit breathless, a bit strained, and very tired, but I also heard him trying to hide it all.

Later. I wouldn't antagonize him during our first contact in days. "How was your day?" How could his day go? His injury forced him to be on desk duty, and he hated paperwork. Like me, he needed the thrill of the hunt and the chase.

"Slow. I miss being out on the street doing things, and the paperwork stinks. I tried a sandwich but had to go with the chili after all. Too soon, I guess. Missed you at lunch," he said. My breath caught. "Frannie's missing you."

Oh. "I'm sorry. I-- It's been surprisingly busy at the consulate." Liar. I could always find any number of things to use as busywork here, but Inspector Thatcher hardly needed my presence all day. I simply couldn't bear to look at the damage done to Ray's face or watch him slowed down and suffering.

"You got a job. I understand that." He said it so quietly. He knew I lied. Only God knew how he explained my reasons for lying to himself.

I needed to see him. "Do you need any help? Should I come over?"

"No, I'm all right, buddy. I'm gonna turn in early anyway." He sounded so tired and so depressed. He should have been angry with me for what I'd done to him and what I was doing now.

I wanted to go to him this very moment, but he did need his rest. I knew he hadn't been sleeping well. "Very well. Good night, Ray." I *would* see him tomorrow.

"Good night, Fraser," he said, as if we were acquaintances instead of friends.

"He's not here, Fraser," Francesca said again. Of course. I knew that all too well for myself, and her answer wouldn't change in only 20 minutes.

Yet I needed to ask everything again. My patience usually lasted far longer than 20 minutes, but this was different. He should be here. I knew his shift should have started two hours ago. "Did he call in sick?"

"I don't know. My job here doesn't include Ray wrangling. I'm sure he's fine and he'll show up if you wait a little longer."

I noticed that most of the officers' attention now rested on something behind me, so I felt compelled to look as well. Oh, God. Ray.

The blinding white of the soft, bulky cervical collar was a profanation, as anything that restricted his movement was. I saw pain and a dark satisfaction in his eyes as he looked across the room, though happiness tinged his expression when he saw me. When did this happen? Did he injure himself again, perhaps while doing something he shouldn't have been doing in his condition? Why hadn't he told me?

Ray raised his voice to say, "Uh, general announcement. It'd be great if I only had to run through this once, and I'm sure some of you could put it through the grapevine for me if I missed anybody. Yesterday I got a pins and needles feeling through the right side of my neck and face along with what felt like some jiggling behind my eyes. You'd think four days would be the statue of limitations on some new problem popping up out of an old injury, but you'd be wrong."

"Statute," I said softly, on automatic pilot, still lost in shock. My carelessness that night had hurt him even worse than I'd thought. And why the hell hadn't he told me about this on the telephone last night?

It seemed that he heard me anyway. "Yeah, I know," he said. "So I did the smart thing and went to a doctor. Turns out I got a little bit of nerve damage, but the doc figures the nerves should grow back in the next few months. He told me to go to a rheumatologist to be sure. This collar keeps my head and neck in a good position for healing and to avoid stressing the nerves, and he expects that I'll wear it for at least two weeks. I get to take it off when the specialist tells me so. It must be working, because the pins and needles are gone. I'm fine, and I can still kick people in the head if they deserve it. That's everything; nothing more to see here. Thanks."

As Ray's fellow officers spoke amongst themselves, I remained lost in my own world. Nerve damage. Ray had been hurt far worse than I thought, yet he joked about it. He must have made a doctor's appointment yesterday, yet he hadn't told me about that either. If I hadn't come to the station today, would he have informed me of any of this?

Ray grabbed me by the arm. "Could we talk in private, guy?"

"I think that would be a good idea."

I managed to hold my peace until we reached the privacy of the closet, then my confused emotions came pouring out of my mouth. "Yesterday? I called you last night, and you said nothing of this." I sounded angry, and I was. But I wasn't only angry. I felt afraid. I felt chastened that Ray felt he had to deal with his suffering alone. How scared he must have been while waiting for the doctor to deliver a verdict, not that he would admit it to most people.

Ray heard only the anger and responded in kind. "I hoped it would be gone by morning. No need to worry you if it was just a blip. Besides, what could you do to help with this? Nothing. It'd just distract you from your work at the consulate." His tone told me that he knew I'd lied about the consulate work and took it badly.

He had every right.

I flinched. "You should have told me." As much as I wanted to focus only on his healing face, which looked more like the way it should again by the day, I forced myself to look at the cervical collar as well. It gleamed against the black of his coat. I'd done this to him.

I thought my tone sounded plaintive, but again he heard only anger. His eyes sparked and his hands flew in his own rage, but his head barely moved atop its cage. It made him seem almost surreal. Surreal and heartbreaking. "I just told you. It's not like I'm making it this big secret. If I really wanted to try to keep you in the dark, I wouldn't wear the collar while you were around. That'd take a real need for revenge since I'd be screwing up my own healing that way, but if I'm a really bad guy, what's a little nerve damage in service to the cause? Dammit, I have a better sense of self... self-preservation than that. But maybe I could get away with that without doing that much harm, since yer never around very long lately anyway."

I'd let him get hurt physically a few nights before, and now I seemed to be adding emotional distress to it. I hadn't thought he would see it that way. "Ray--"

"No. You have no right. I talked to you that night, Fraser. I talked to you. I did the truthful thing, and I stood up for myself, and you responded by staying away. I asked for one day to myself, and you gave me three. As punishment? Am I just supposed to take this? So I saw what telling you what's up gets me, so I kept my mouth shut last night. If yer such a hypocrite that honesty is a problem, I'm not gonna--"

Oh God. Could I make the situation any worse? All my good intentions had led to exactly the opposite interpretation, and now that he'd begun to vent the pain I'd caused him I could see him starting to run headlong down the track toward more of it. He believed that expressing anger helped lessen it, but today I saw strain building in the muscles near his jaw. I needed to stop this, needed to show him that I cared. I needed to apologize, but I needed to make an opening for that.

Touch. I needed to touch Ray. Actually, I always needed to touch Ray but rarely allowed myself to. Now I had cause. I've seen touch calm and comfort him before; please let it do so again now. But where?

When I set my finger lightly on his winter-chapped lower lip, he stopped speaking and... shuddered a little. He was so warm. I watched anger and confusion flicker through his chameleon eyes as he tried to decide what I meant by this gesture.

I don't think I imagined the desire I saw there. I hope not. Please.

"I'm so sorry, Ray. I never meant to cause more pain. I certainly didn't mean for you to see my behavior as punishment for doing what you should do." He'd thought I was punishing him for being honest with me and telling me that I shouldn't be so cavalier with his life. I had so much to pay for.

The movement of his lips against my fingertip as he spoke evoked reactions I found shameful in this context. Parts of me found the flicker of his tongue against my skin so enticing that it wanted to forget all this complicated emotional work. "What is it then?" Ray asked, still sounding angry and hurt, though a little less so now. "I was starting to feel like the fucking Elephant Man. It can't be you being afraid you'll drag me into more trouble, because I'm riding a desk right now. I know this paperwork shit is dull, but that doesn't mean you can't make a quick visit for lunch or something."

Excellent, Benton. Make the partner you love feel like a pariah. I took a deep breath. "It hurt me to see you suffering and know I was responsible. I should have seen the possibility that going away for my own safety would make you suffer more." Some of my despair bled into my almost hysterical laugh. Would I never get this right? "I thought I was saving you from me."

But Ray was forgiving me again already, no matter how little I deserved it. "Well, I'm not a mind reader. When you're avoiding me, I figure it's because you're avoiding me, got it? Tell me this stuff, okay?"

"Another thing I should amend. I swear, Ray, that I'll work to get it right."

"And they think you're the one who's patient," he said, half teasing, and his lips curved beneath my finger into a small smile.

I smiled back as best I could but had to move to less intimate contact. Instead, my hand chose to disregard me, sliding down from his lip over the light stubble of his chin before settling lightly atop the gauze wrap of his cervical collar. He felt so warm.... A very selfish part of me wanted to show him how much I cherished his presence, damn the injuries.

"Now we both have tear-away Velcro collars," he said, sounding a bit breathless, his eyes darkening. The blood spot in the left one seemed to be breaking up over time, healing away.

He did want me. I saw it now in every line of his battered body. Of course. Why else would he show such patience in the face of my blundering around with his life and emotions?

I didn't deserve him, and--in a very different way--he didn't deserve me. "I shall endeavor to be worthy of your patience. Ray, I want you to talk to me."

"I want to talk to you too."

I saw that too. He hadn't spoken to me about his experience before, but it looked like the need to do so had been building up in him. And I didn't want to hear him relive it, but I would listen because he was Ray and I loved him. "That would be good." I sounded like an idiot.

Ray smiled anyway. He rocked from side to side a little, an endearingly childlike movement of contentment. "But later, ya know? I got a pile of paperwork whining my name. Tonight?"

"Yes, Ray. But I could spare some time to help you with your forms now."

Ray looked part thankful, part... uneasy? "You don't have to."

"Are you hiding something from me?" No anger now. I knew that Ray had some things he tried to avoid airing out of pride, just as I did.

"No! I-- Aw, shit. Honesty. It hurts too much to keep my glasses on."

"Then we shall find a way to fix matters." I put my hand at the small of his back and kept it there when he didn't protest. We would have to address our attraction someday soon, but it would wait until Ray mended more and we didn't have so many other contentious emotional issues in play.

"You gonna make me regret saying I missed you at work?" Ray asked.

"Aren't you already?"

"Yer a real funny guy. Remind me to laugh."

"Laugh, Ray," I said, but when he started to shake his head at me, he grunted. "Easy, Ray."

"Yeah," he said, sounding strained. "Gonna learn better."

I intended to do the same.

More Viridian5 stories can be found in The Green Room at http://members.tripod.com/~drovar/viridian/

No-frames but no-frills access to The Green Room available at http://members.tripod.com/~drovar/viridian/Viridian_side.htm

Fandoms represented: due South, Hard Core Logo, Twitch City, X-Files, Once a Thief, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, Angel, Two Guys and a Girl (was Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place), X-Men (comics), Doctor Who, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine