It was 2 in the morning. For some odd reason, I was thinking about the hospital scene in COTW, in full color and soundtrack. Then my stereo started playing Full Of Grace (Surfacing was on repeat) and Ray started spilling his guts to me. I was going to bed, I was on bed. But he won't stop talking...so I got up, found paper and pencil and started scribbling down. Had a hard time figuring out what I wrote the next day, but eventually I did and here it is. Just a short little piece.

Thanks to Meg, Mia and tori for their most helpful beta!

Disclaimers: Not mine, no money so sue at your own risk.

Warnings: Spoilers for COTW pt 1 and a wee bit for MotB.

Nov 99

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Sinking

By Eugenie Chua

He's back. Back in his oh so righteous place, back where he belongs, back to being himself.

If he's himself, then who the hell am I?!

Fraser's in there with him. Don't know what they're talkin' 'bout. Don't care. Why should I? I'm just the con job they hired to protect his cover. Why should I care what happens after my job's done? He can have his life back and I can go back to mine.

'Cept his has become mine...

The job, the family, the friends, he can have those if he want. I'd miss'em, but I don't really need'em. Only right now, he's taking back the one person I really cared about, even when I shouldn't. The one person who really matters: his partner. My partner...

Huh. My partner. Yeah, Frase's my partner all right, always seems to know what I need. Givin' me that dream catcher that caught my childhood nightmare, gave me asylum and helpin' me out o' that Volpe mess. Tellin' me I was his friend when I needed to hear it most, savin' my ass more times than I can count and believin' in me on the Beth Botrelle case when no one else would. Always knew what I need, 'cept now...

They say rule number one of bein' undercover is never to get too close to the people around ya. No strings attached. And when it's time to leave, ya should be able to do it at the snap of yer fingers, without lookin' back, without hurting, without thinkin' that you've betrayed someone just 'cause yer doin' yer job.

Fraser's in there, with him... I shouldn't care, but I do. It feels as though I'm back on that sinkin' boat again, Henry Anderson. Allen. Whatever. Underwater, but this time, this time Fraser isn't there. Isn't there to teach me how to swim, isn't there to save me by giving me his breath, isn't there....

And I'm sinkin' along with the ship, sinkin'...without anyone to pull me up.

Without his strength, his courage to pull me up, I'm drownin'...all alone... Drownin'

God, how the hell did he got so close? Become so important to me that I don't think I can live without him? So close that I don't even know who the fuck I am when he's gone.

Without Frase, I'm just a nobody. A nobody who doesn't even know who the fuck he is. Ray, Stan, Vecchio, Kowalski...

Stanley...

Raymond...

Stanley Raymond Kowalski. But that's just a name, a name that I don't even like. It's not who I am. Dunno who I am without him...

Fraser's in there. With him.

I'm drownin'...

Sinkin'...

Maybe I'm sunk.

The End.

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