Disclaimer: Alliance owns Ray and Fraser.

leadpoisoning@hotmail.com

Skin Against Skin
by
Rae
*******

His hand is trembling. Christ, it hurts. His fingers are numb. He struggles
again to grip the razor. The blood makes the metal slick and it keeps
slipping from his grasp. One more. Just one more. He reaches up behind
him and pulls the motel towel off the top of the sink. Hastily, he wipes
his hands on it and rubs the razorblade up and down. Perserverence. He
puts the the towel in his mouth to muffle his cry as he did when he opened
the other wrist. Determination.  His teeth clamp down hard on the soft
cloth as he makes the next slash. Quick. Burn. Hurts. But just for a
moment. Just for a moment. He pulls the towel from his mouth and lies
down on the cold tile. Dizzy. His head begins to swim. He rakes his hand
through his blond spikes, smearing his hair and face with blood. How
much easier this would have been with a gun. A bullet. He could do this,
take the pain and the time, but he didn't have the courage to face his
own weapon. This thought makes him laugh. And now he keeps laughing.
He can't stop himself. He keeps laughing. Pain. He laughs harder. Still
hurts. But just for a moment. It doesn't last..... 

It begins with a revelation, a secret uncovered. There is always the
fear of rejection. He has so much rejection in  his life already, but
he pushes aside that fear to confess the thing that has been a weight
on his heart all these months. *Fraser, can I talk to ya?*
He feels his heart pound. He wonders if the fear is so visible in his
face and eyes. *Of course, Ray.* 
They move into the empty interrogation room. Fraser leans sits at the
table, Ray leans against the wall. *Something I need to tell ya.*
His stomach twists in knots. He can hear the rush of blood in his veins.
His head feels so light. Somewhere within him, there is the hope of acceptance
and he can not crush the excitement that comes with it. *What is it,
Ray?*
He takes a deep breath and stuffs his hands  into the pockets of his
faded blue jeans. *I, uh...This is gonna sound strange, but....* 
He sighs nervously. In his head he has played out this scenerio over
and over a dozen times. *Ray...*
He looks at the Mountie.  Those beautiful sky blue eyes are full of concern.
Ray blinks, tries to fight back the waves of panic that are rising within
him. *Fraser, ya meant all that stuff ya said about...* 
Again his voice trails off. God, why is this so hard? He sighs and looks
down at his feet. *I dunno any other way to say this, so I'm just gonna
come out and say it.* Fraser's tilts his head ever so slightly. Ray's
head is throbbing. *I... love you, Frase.* 
The Mountie smiles warmly. The so familiar smile that always melted his
heart. *And I you, Ray.* 
His heart drops.  Symbolically or something. Fraser doesn't understand.
He turns away slightly, resting his head against the wall. *N-not like
that. N-not in way you're thinking.*
He struggles with these words. His partner's brow furrows with confusion.
*Not symbolically?* 
So gentle, the way he asks. Ray shakes his head. His hands clench into
fists, pushing against the confining space of his pockets. *N-no. I...*
He closes his eyes, takes another deep breath.
*I'm in love with you.*
*M-maybe from the first time I saw you, I don't know.  But I can't stop
thinkin' about it. I-I can't be around you with this is my head.*  He
opens his eyes, but keeps his eyes on the floor.
*Is there any chance for us, Frase?*
Finally, he looks at the Mountie. His partner's face is a mask. He can't
read the expression. Ray feels the tears rise behind his eyes. He tries
to swallow around the lump in his throat. The silence is unbearable.
*P-please talk to me.* 
His voice is barely a whisper, but Fraser hears him.
*Ray....*
He gasps softly. He knows that tone so well. Too well.  
*I care about you. Very much. As a partner and as a friend. Please believe
me when I tell you that. And you are a very attractive man--* Ray wants
to leave, he wants to walk out. 
*But..?*
The Mountie fidgets nervously in his seat. Ray can see his partner's
discomfort and he hates himself for being the cause of it. *I am a heterosexual,
Ray and it is not---*
He can't take it anymore. He turns suddenly and walks from the interrogation
room. *Ray. *
He can hear the chair scratch against the floor as the Mountie pushes
it back. *Ray.*
He is already out the door and moving down the hall.
*Ray!*
That voice is lost somewhere behind him, amidst the hustle of the precinct.
He breaks into a run as he gets outside. The GTO seems far away. Further
away than he parked it this morning. As he pulls the car out of the parking
space, he sees the Mountie running out of the building. Fraser runs after
the retreating car, but he is unable to catch up with it before Ray swerves
into traffic.   Tears blur his vision as he drives and he rubs his eyes
until they are sore. This changes everything between them. He can't face
his partner now, can't bear to see that look on his face. The only one
he wants, the one he has fallen so deeply in love with, doesn't want
him. Why should that be a surprise? He was expecting this. Expecting
the rejection. But he can't get over it, can't let it go. 

He's very close to loosing consciousness now. Strange feeling. He is
at eye level with the tile. Everything is different from down here. The
blood flows between the tiles, filling the lines like a tiny, bending
river. Ray watches this with fascination, idly guessing into which crevice
it will flow next. He sucks in a breath, feeling his lungs tighten painfully
with the effort. There is a sound. A key turning in a lock? He tries
to raise his head, but this small act takes far too much effort. Footsteps.
A small smile crosses his lips. Fraser. /Yer too late, buddy./  He isn't
sure it he thinks it, or says it. The bathroom door opens. He sees the
red serge, a blur before his exhausted eyes. Sky blue eyes look down
at him lovingly. Fraser says nothing. He reaches down and cups Ray's
cheek. Ray smiles softly.  The Mountie takes Ray's hand into his own
and gently twines their fingers together. Ray tries to squeeze his partner's
hand, but he can't. All he can feel is cold, wet skin. /Fraser, help
me./  He awakes with a start. His body is numb and he is alone. Fraser
could never find him here. Tears. Ray closes his eyes and whimpers softly.
Next door, there is music playing. Korn.  Or something very heavy. His
head aches. He wishes they would turn the volume down. He struggles for
another breath and shifts his body slightly. Ray can no longer move his
arms. This is familiar somehow. Drowning. He's drowning. The Henry Allen.
Breath. The slow glide of skin against skin. Ray  tries to stay awake.
Tries. Staring at the ceiling, a billion tiny dots, he realizes that
he will die alone.  The same way he lived. 


Benton Fraser stands in the middle of Ray's apartment, turning his stetson
over in his hands.  Ray has not come home yet; the GTO is not in the
parking lot. But Ben will wait. He needs to talk to his partner. He needs
to corner him, so he will be forced to listen. It was not his intention
to hurt Ray and he will not allow this to damage their friendship. He
sits down on the couch and set his stetson on the coffee table. He would
wait for Ray. Even if it takes all night. 

End