By_ Amethyst
 
perrymor@home.net

        "I didn't mean to wake you, Ray." Stella Kowalski said as Ray carefully placed his gun on the breakfast bar and self-consciously pulled his shirt from the barstool and shrugged into it. Other than that he was dressed only in his jeans and his hair was mussed from sleep, as he turned to watch her.
        "Ya didn't, Stella." He assured softly
        "I know it's late," Stella continued, "But I needed to talk to someone and the first person I thought of was you." Ray's look of surprise only mildly amused her.
        "What d'ya need, Stell?' he asked her quietly as she moved closer to him.
        "I...I think someone is stalking me, Ray." She admitted and Ray immediately tensed. "At...at first I thought it might be you, but you...you'd never go this far."
        "How far, Stella?' He demanded, concern for her showing in his voice.
        "He...he's been calling the house at all hours and then saying nothing, just some heavy breathings." She explained fearfully. "I...I think he's watching the house because I only get the calls when I am alone, not when I have company. He...I think he followed me to work yesterday, I found this on my car when I came out." she handed Ray the folded note and he read it grimly.
        "Has he threatened you?" he asked, glancing over the odd little poem on the note as Stella shook her head.
        "No, and I know I can't get the police to do anything because he hasn't, that's why I came to you." She paced before him, wringing her hands. "I thought maybe you and the Mountie could stake out my place and work for a couple of days, I'll pay you of course for the additional security." Ray handed her back the note and folded his arms in front of him, a defensive posture he used to make him look more relaxed, "I'll talk to Fraser, Stell." He promised. "I don't see a problem wit it, but I don't know if the Lieutenant will be up fer it- I got a heavy case load and he's been after me about it."
        "But Ray, I need you." She insisted, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing close to him. Ray returned the embrace
        "I know ya do, babe." He sighed. "Ya only ever talk ta me when ya have to-which is always when ya need me." Stella caught his gaze and shook her head.
        "Oh, Ray- I know I've been horrible to you and I wish I wasn't so...that way." She allowed after a thought. "You are very special to me and I wish things could have been different between us." she bit her lip and stepped away sadly. "Maybe if I had gotten help sooner, admitted there was a problem, but I..."
        "I don't wanna talk about dat, Stella!" Ray declared moving away from her to lean against his window. "It's in da past ferget about it." But Stella needed to clear the air and for once she decided she was going to talk to Ray about what was bothering her.
        "We have to talk about it, Ray." She insisted. "Maybe ...maybe if we talked about it then we would never have gotten divorced..."
        "Don't say dat!" Ray denied angrily. "Us breakin' up was not about dat, it was never about dat!"
        "Ray it was!" she returned, her own temper rising. "You didn't want to admit that I..."
        "You did nothin' Stella!" he refused furious, as he too started to pace. "We broke up 'cause yer career was more important dan me, or da family we coulda had, dat's why we broke up Stella. You always wantin' more. More money, more recognition, more stability more...everything! Da only thing you didn't want more of was me!"
        "Ray that isn't true!" she denied hotly. "I loved you, I still do. You were smothering me..."
        "I loved you!" he screamed, unaware of the fact that his usually slack accent seemed to dissipate around his ex-wife. "I wanted ta do anything for you, anything to keep you happy to make you smile, to keep you lovin' me, but you said I was smothering you and kept pushing me away!" A wounded cry tore from his throat as he swiftly turned his back to her and she could see that his whole body was shaking. "I didn't care if ya yelled at me or criticized me or hit me or locked me outta da house or any of dat, Stella." He moaned painfully, his forehead pressed against the glass of the window, his fingers gripping the sill tightly. "I didn't mind da fights, or da bruises or condensation, but when ya stopped lettin' me touch you..." He sniffed and she knew he was struggling with tears of rage. "I had ta touch you Stell, I had to. You were part of me and when ya wouldn't even let me kiss ya goodbye or hold yer hand ta help ya from da car I lost it...I started acting stupid and reckless and wantin' more from ya den ya were willin' ta give."
        "Oh Ray..." she whispered, battling her own tears, as he turned back to her, his eyes shining with unshed tears, his hands fisted so tightly against his sides his knuckles were white.
        "I'd do anything fer ya Stella." He vowed solemnly. 'Then, now, it makes no difference. I...I only wanted kids because I was lonely Stell, lonely fer you, I wanted some part of you that I could touch and love dat wouldn't push me away, wouldn't yell at me, wouldn't..."
        "Hit you with a hot clothing iron." Stella whimpered, brushing away her tears defiantly, despite Ray's sudden pallor. "Beat you with a meat mallet, Ray?" she continued, more angry at herself then him, but determined to get this out in the open, determined to make Ray acknowledge it and remove his rose colored conception of her. Perhaps that would allow him to finally make the break. Ray was shaking his head and muttering denials. "I beat you, Ray. I beat you all the time and you never once hit me back, never filed assault charge, anything! Why? Why Ray? Why did you let me do that to you? I needed help, why couldn't you have admitted that and gotten me help?"
        "Stop it!" he screamed at her, placing his hands over his ears. "It wasn't like dat! It doesn't matter! I loved you- I didn't care! I..." Stella moved forward determined to make him listen, but when she reached for his hands to pull them away from his ears, he shrank away from her, stumbling sideways against his CD cabinet and knocking some of them to the floor. Blocking his head with his hands defensively he seemed unaware of Stella's cry of surprise. She had seen fear in Ray's eyes, true fear and something else, shame perhaps.
        "Ray...." She sobbed, reaching for him, slowly, as she would a wounded animal. Ray turned away from her and sank to his knees, covering his face at his own reaction. She knelt beside him, and watched his attempt to hide his flinch at her touch, as she pulled him gently into her arms and started rocking him
        "I...I'm sorry Stell." He whimpered dejectedly, the tears were free flowing now. "I...I never...I didn't mean...God I'm sorry, so sorry baby."
        "Hush, darling." Stella cooed softly, caressing his hair gently between her fingers. "It's okay."
        "I...You...it didn't matter, Stella." He hiccuped. "I...It didn't matter, please believe me. I...I just wanted to be wit you, just you, Stella, baby, just you."
        "Even if it killed you." She muttered and was startled when he answered her.
        "Even i...in death, Stell." He vowed brokenly. "Til death, Stell, t...till death do us part." Stella shook her head in wonderment and self-crimination.
        "Please Ray," she pleaded with him gently. "You have to admit what I did to you. You have to face it, like I have." Ray shook his head stubbornly, but didn't move from her embrace. "How can either of us get better if we don't face it?" She had noticed Ray's downward spiral of confidence, his increasing self-doubt about himself, his eagerness to please her regardless of what she said or did to him and she couldn't stand it.
        The man she had married had been so confident, so vibrant and full of life, allowing no one to step on him or on others. Their marriage had changed that, Stella had changed that and she paid for her crime by loosing the only man she ever loved. She knew it was what was best for them, she couldn't go on hurting Ray and he had become a shell of the man he once was. She needed help and he need to get away from her. But in trying to protect him she wounded him further and that had never been her intention. The urge to ask ray to take her back filled her more each time she saw him, but she forced it down. He would take her back, in a heartbeat, and she knew this, which was why she denied herself contact with him.
        She noticed some of the old Ray surfacing occasionally, usually around Fraser, and she was glad her husband had the Mountie as his friend and partner, he was good for Ray. But whenever Stella was the scene, Ray became withdrawn, compliant and pathetically eager too please her and she hated it. She wanted him to stand up to her like he used to stand up to everyone else.
        Their arguments were always full of fire and spirit in the beginning, because Ray would give back as good as he got from her, and making up was always the best part. But when her temper started to get the better of her she had started slapping at him, hitting him, throwing things at him. The more Ray took the beatings, the more compliant he became in an attempt to please her, the angrier she got and the worse the beatings were. There was no kiss and makeup then, only first aid kits and trips to the hospital afterwards. No mater how Ray tried to hide the damage she caused, or how he lied about it happening with a suspect or during a case, she suspected people knew. Perhaps it was her guilty conscience; perhaps she wanted to be found out, because she couldn't stop. Even when the sparkling devilment in his eyes that had attracted her to Ray in the beginning was replaced by a vacant hollowness that tore at her soul, she continued.
        "Will you do something for me, Ray?" Again he nodded.
        "I'll do anything fer you, Stell." He reminded softly.
        "Will you go to an anger management class with me?" He stared at her.
        "Why?" he asked suspiciously.
        "I want you to meet the person who helped me get my anger under control." She explained quietly. "I want you to talk to her about..." Ray bolted to his feet.
        "Damnit, Stella!" he exclaimed, furious once again. "I said I don't wanna talk about it! Especially not ta some shrink. It's over, done wit, gone." Stella also rose to her feet, again a look o determination on her face.
        "Ray, you've changed since we were married." She insisted. "You're become more violent, especially with your suspects, and although you haven't assaulted anyone yet, you still might if you don't get some help."
         "I don't need help!" he declared. "I'm not like..." He broke off and stared at her, his face turning ashen once more. "Stell..."
        "Like me." She finished quietly and he shook his head.
        "No!" he denied. "I...I didn't mean..." but Stella held up her hand and stopped his words effectively in his throat.
        "No, Ray, you aren't like me." She agreed. "But you still have a lot of anger and hurt inside you from what I did to you, from our marriage, from a lot of things. I'm saying this because I love you. I don't think you're going to start beating up people just for the hell of it, but you have become highly emotional, more so than you ever were before." She walked over and touched his arm tenderly. "Do it for me, do it for Fraser, who cares about you-you already admitted to striking him and threatening him more than once and he is your best friend."
        "Stella, that was different." Ray insisted. "I made him hit me back. We were...we were havin' a bad time and I...it didn't mean...I don't..."
        "Ray, you still hit him, simply because he wouldn't listen to you." She shook her head sadly. "Do you really want your rage to consume you like that again, the next time may be with your new woman or with me or someone else you care about. Or you may loose your job for hitting a suspect?" Ray shook his head and dropped onto his sofa. Stella moved to sit beside him and folded his hands in hers. "Let me help you, baby. I'll be there with you, please, do this for me?" After a long pause, Ray nodded reluctantly.
        "You win." He muttered. "You always win, Stell."
        "You have to do one more thing for me, Ray." She pressed; biting her lip, knowing this wasn't going to be easy, as he glanced at her warily. "You have to admit what I did to you, Ray."
        "You didn't do anything to me, Stella." He refused stubbornly, lowering his eyes from her probing gaze.
        "Ray, please, you have to admit it." He shook his head. "I beat you Ray. I abused you. Now say it."
        "No!" Ray screamed pulling his hands away. "Why do ya want me ta say it, Stell? Ya wanna make me feel less of a man fer it? Ya think I don't already feel like a complete reject from society because I...." He shook his head in frustration, yet Stella remained silent, knowing he was close, closer than he had ever been to admitting the truth. "How, Stella? How could ya do it? I loved ya. What da hell did I ever do ta make ya so mad all da time? I tried everything and nothin' worked, ya just kept...fightin' wit me and I couldn't make ya stop, I...."
        "You could have stopped me, Ray." She stated firmly, she had seen all the holes left in the walls of their home, the same holes he had desperately tried to cover up with new plaster or hanging pictures. She knew Ray's strength, part of her had always known that if he ever had hit her back he'd probably kill her with the first blow, part of her begged for him to do just that, if for no other reason to stop her from hurting him anymore.
        "I couldn't stop ya Stella." He denied. "I wasn't gonna hit you back an..."
        "You should have hit me back, Ray." She insisted. "It would have ended it." Ray darted from the couch and began to pace again.
        "I could not hit ya back, Stella." He stated firmly.
        "You wanted to." She guessed quietly and he growled low in his throat.
        "Yah!" he admitted. "Of course I did. Ya think I liked what ya were doin' Stell? Did'ja think it turned me on or somethin'-Ya think I'm some kinda sadist?" She shook her head, trying not to show how his words pierced her heart. He needed this, he needed to get it out and say this to her.
        "Did you enjoy it, Ray?" she asked, shocked at her words, but she had to goad him, it was the only way. He stared at her, livid.
        "How?...Why?... Damnit, Stella! Ya know I didn't!" he returned furious.
        "You didn't stop me." She reminded trying to sound calm but her hands were shaking and her heart racing at what she was daring to do. Ray had become more volatile over the years, which was why she was taunting him to face the truth. He had to understand before his destructiveness destroyed him. "Maybe you did like it. Maybe you loved it and wanted more. Is that why you were upset when our marriage failed? Did you miss your weekly beating's Ray? Couldn't you get it up without them?" She trembled at the rage on her ex-husband's face
        "Stop it, Stella." Ray warned menacingly, but Stella ignored him and stepped closer.
        "Should I give you a taste for old times sake?" she declared, as her hand swung to slap him. She gasped as Ray caught her wrist and bent it back painfully, raising his own hand in a semi swing, before catching himself. He stared at his hand, as though it was an alien part of him, then back at Stella, who was visibly shaking. He quickly released her wrist and stepped back, shocked.
        "I wouldn't hurt you." He whispered in a strangled voice. "God, don't make me hurt you Stella." He sank to his knees again and she wrapped her arms around him once more.
        "It's there, Ray." She soothed, trying to quell her own trembling. "The rage, you felt it, didn't you?" He nodded, his hands wrapped around himself as though he might be sick, as she rubbed his back soothingly. "Tell me what you wanted to do, Ray." He shook his head and whimpered. "Please tell me, Ray. I have to know."
        "I...I wanted to hit you Stella." He cried brokenly. "God I wanted to strike you with everything I had in me...I...I wanted to lay you out Stella...to...make you...p...pay fer all the times ya hit me...all da times I couldn't touch you." He turned into her embrace. "Oh God, Stella! I'm so s...sorry. I..."
        "It's okay." She promised gently. "Just say yes. Say you'll go to see my friend." He nodded. "And you'll talk about it, with her, with me?" Again he nodded. "Good. Good, baby." They both rose and again Ray wiped the tears from his face
        "Please, Stella." He muttered. "Whatever ya want, just no more fights, okay?" She nodded, she had gotten him to admit to the demons that haunted them both, and the rest would work out in time.
        "No more fights, Ray." She agreed. They sat there quietly for a moment.
        "D'ya think yer stalker followed ya here?" Ray asked suddenly, the cop in him taking over.
        "I don't know." She sighed.
        "You'll stay here den." He decided. "Tomorrow will go to da station and work somethin' out ta protect ya." She nodded and rested her head against him.
        "Thank you, Ray." She whispered sincerely, her fingers trailing the back of his hand with a familiarity that simply felt right. He offered her a small smile, then rose on legs that were not yet completely steady. He felt drained and exhausted, as he moved to the bedroom and pulled some sheets and blanket from his linen closet. When he turned around again, he was startled to find Stella directly behind him, as she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest.
        "What's wrong?" he asked her, tossing the blankets into the chair beside them so he could return the embrace.
        "I am sorry for hurting you, Ray." She whispered, kissing his chest affectionately.
        "I know ya are, Stella." He sighed, and he did know that she regretted her actions during their marriage, he had forgiven her long ago for them, or at least until tonight he had thought he had forgiven her. That small part of him, a part he kept hidden, had surfaced tonight and it scared him, the compete betrayal and anger he still held about those times had been allowed to escape and he regretted that Stella had needed to push him so far to get them admitted.
        Stella smiled up at him, he always forgave her, no mater what she did, Ray would always forgive her, and always be there for her, whenever she needed him. She reached up and pulled his lips down to hers, kissing him softly, with all the love she dared to hide from him. Ray sighed and pulled her closer, giving into to the cosmic energy that was he and Stella, their two energies merging a creating a force greater than life, death or the hereafter. Stella pressed against him, her hand wandering to grip him and she felt him jump and break the kiss.
        "I...I can't." he whispered and groaned at the dismayed look on Stella's face. "I...I want to." He assured, caressing her cheek. "God I want to." She smiled and pulled him to her again.
        "Go with it." She murmured against his lips and Ray surrendered to her touch, her taste, the feel of The Stella wrapped in his arms like so many of his dreams, only this wasn't a dream, this was real and Stella wanted him. Making love with her would be greatness; it always was for Ray. She knew his body as intricately as he knew hers, each aware of the other's most sensitive areas, the places that stimulated them the most.
        He lifted her into his arms and walked to the bed, setting her down as though she was made of the finest crystal and was afraid she would break. He slid onto the bed beside her, his hands making butterfly soft caresses against her skin as he leaned in for another kiss. He cradled her face in his hand, forcing himself to believe this was real, as he explored her mouth with his tongue, sucking and nipping and caressing the opening until she was gasping from the sensations he was stirring in her.
        "God I love you, Stella." He whispered, as his fingers slid down to the buttons of her blouse, pulling open and allowing the cool air surrounding them to raise goose flesh on her newly exposed skin. He trailed a path of kisses along her law line, down over her throat, across her collarbone and to the valley of her breasts. He ignored the warm, pliant flesh offered and moved to kiss her stomach, her navel, and her abdomen.
        "Please, Ray." she pleaded, arching against him as she reached up to unfasten the bra that hid her breasts from his view. She moved against him again, needing to feel his lips on her sensitive peaks and Ray complied with a shy smile. He suckled one nipple adoringly as he caressed the other with his hand. "Yes," she sighed. "Oh yes, Ray my love." Ray kissed and licked her entire upper body, then, moved to pull her at the waistband of her slacks. She raised her hips to aid him and she cried out as his mouth found her center. Her fingers wound through his hair as he drove her through wave after wave of incredible pleasure.
        She pulled him upward and pushed him onto his back, pulling at his shirt and jeans frantically, as Ray tried to help her get them off. She slid over him without further preparation and took him inside her, pulling a guttural groan from her husband as she rode. He cried out her name as he released inside her and her head flew back as she claimed her own ecstasy.
        Later, as Ray lay sleeping, exhausted from their love making, Stella quietly rose and walked out to pick up the slip of paper that held the poem she wrote. She tore it up and threw it out the window, then quickly closed the window again. She walked over and picked up Ray's gun from the breakfast bar. She stood over her lover's sleeping form, staring down at him lovingly.
        The doctors hadn't been able to help her, any more than they would help, Ray. She couldn't stop the rage inside her and she had proved that Ray had that same rage inside him, only he had more control over it. That rage had taken Ray from her the only man she loved and she could live without him no longer. But, if they came together again, she knew she would hurt him again and that was simply not an option. It was better this way. She climbed back under the covers and snuggled up to him peacefully.
        "Until Death, my darling." She sighed, pressing the gun to her husband's head and pulling the trigger. Then, she turned it on herself, begging God for forgiveness and Ray for his love.
 
 
 

The end