Notes: After being introduced to Ben's childhood friend, Mark Smithbauer, in "The Blue Line," I always wondered why they hadn't seen each other since they were thirteen. They apparently spent a lot of time together playing hockey and even shared a dream of making it onto a "rookie card." But, as we see who each of them has become as an adult, it seems reasonable to suppose that their goals weren't as identical as they may have thought during those childhood days.

Disclaimer: Alliance and dueSouth gave us a glimpse of Ben's thirteen year-old self. With the help of their characters (and one of my own), I'm delving deeper.

Drama; Rated R (for language)

                     TEARS OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN
                   (aka PUBERTY CHANGES PEOPLE)

By Mary

Ben had been milling around in the kitchen since returning home from his afternoon hockey game. Just like the thirteen year-old boy that he was, he managed to be constantly underfoot as Grandma prepared their supper. He seemed to be debating something in his mind. A couple times Grandma thought she heard him speak, but when she asked him what he had said, he replied "Nothing. I didn't say anything."

"Grandma, I'm getting pretty old now, right?" Ben hovered over the soup kettle, repeatedly dipping his finger into the pot and then licking it clean.

"You're positively elderly, Ben," Grandma teased him.

"Grandma! You know what I mean!"

"Yes, dear." When Grandma noticed what he was doing, she briskly slapped his hand and said "Get your fingers out of the soup!" She shook her head in mild frustration and continued to prepare supper while Ben nervously shuffled around her, rubbing the sting out of his hand.

"I'm a teenager, going on fourteen! Pretty soon, I'll be old enough to drive!"

"Oh, is that what this is about?"

"What what is about?"

"You'll be driving before you know it, Ben. No point worrying about it now."

"No, no. That's not what I meant. That's just an example."

"Of what?"

"Of...that...well, I'm getting pretty old."

"You already said that, honey. You know, they say that repetition can be a sign of a muddled brain or a guilty conscience." She looked at Ben and saw confusion on his face. "What's really on your mind, Ben?"

"Um...nothing."

"I see. Just feeling your age?"

"Uh, huh. I guess so." Ben sat down at the table and tried to relax. "Is Grandpa home?"

"No, he'll be working late tonight."

"Oh." Ben wrinkled his brow in frustration.

"Why? Do you need Grandpa for something?"

"No. Just wondering." He fidgeted with the silverware and started to drum a spoon against the table top.

"Ben!" Grandma snapped.

"Sorry." He put the spoon back on the table and leaned back in his chair until the front legs lifted off the floor. "How late is Grandpa working tonight?"

"Very late. He's doing inventory. I imagine you'll be asleep before he gets home."

"Darn!" Ben whispered inaudibly.

"He'll be quite busy for the next week or two. I'm going down to the library for a while after supper to work with him. Will you be all right here on your own?"

"Yeah."

"You know, it wouldn't hurt you to sacrifice some of your free time to help out. Maybe just an hour or so in the afternoons after your lessons?"

Ben looked at her in horror. How could she suggest such a thing? She knows that's when I play hockey! Well, soon it wouldn't matter. "Do I have to?"

"We'll talk about it later. Why don't you go wash up."

"I already did. When I got home."

"Did you put your hockey equipment away properly?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Suddenly, at her mention of hockey, Ben was seized with unexpected courage, or maybe it was foolishness, and he decided to risk talking to his grandmother about the decision he had made that afternoon. He had wanted Grandpa around for this, as he figured he'd be more supportive of his plan than would Grandma. He strongly suspected that she wasn't going to share his excitement.

"You know Mark Smithbauer, Grandma?"

"Of course I do! You're out playing hockey with him every afternoon. Usually until I come out there and drag you home!" she exclaimed with a smile on her face.

"He's real good, you know. At hockey."

"Well, he should be. He gets a lot of practice."

"I'm not bad at it, either. Sometimes Mark even says I'm better than he is."

"That's nice of him to say."

"He's not just saying it. He means it."

"Good, honey," she said as she began to place the meal on the table. She sighed when she saw Ben teetering in his chair. "Bring that chair up to the table and sit in it properly, please. It has four legs for a reason."

Ben obeyed but was irritated to be interrupted and impatient to get this over with, so he plunged ahead, right to the core of the matter. "Grandma, Mark and I are going to hockey school."

"Hockey school? I haven't heard of such a thing around here. Is that a new program in the village?"

"No, it's not in the village."

Grandma placed a glass of milk in front of Ben and sat down at the table. "Oh? Where is it, then?"

Ben hesitated and then replied, barely moving his lips, "Edmonton." He looked at his grandmother, anxiously awaiting her reaction.

"Edmonton?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Alberta."

"I know where Edmonton is, Ben!"

"You see, they have this hockey program for kids who are real serious about it, like me and Mark."

"Well, that's fine, but we can't really take a vacation to Edmonton right now, Ben. Maybe next year."

"No, Grandma. You don't understand. It's a school, a high school, especially for hockey players."

"A high school? Oh, I don't think so, Ben. We have no plans to move to Edmonton. Eat your supper, dear."

"We don't have to move. They have a dorm. During the school year, I'd live right there, at the school."

Grandma looked at Ben before saying anything. She could tell that he was really excited about this idea, so she wanted to let him down as gently as possible. "Where did you come up with this idea?"

"From Mark. He's going. He's all signed up and everything. He's leaving next month, and he wants me to try out so I can go with him."

"Oh, I see."

"He's sure I'll be accepted. We're gonna be roommates. It'll be just like having a brother."

"When I send you to school, it's so you'll get an education, not so you can have a make- believe brother."

"I know. I will get an education. I can go, can't I, Grandma? It's a real school, you don't have to worry about that."

"Yes, I'm sure it is, honey."

"So I can go?"

"I'm afraid not, Ben."

"But..."

"I'm not going to send you off to a distant school just because your friend is going there."

"But Grandma, that's not the only reason. I want to play hockey."

"You can play hockey right here. You don't need to go to Edmonton."

"Yes I do, if I ever wanna be really good. This is very important to me. Please, Grandma! Let me try out."

"No, Ben, not this year. I'm sorry."

"That's not fair! You didn't even think about it!" Ben shouted angrily.

"That's enough, Ben. I understand that you want to do this, but my answer is no, and that's final."

Ben was utterly crushed to hear this. His first thought was that he was going to burst into tears right then and there at the kitchen table. But then his disappointment turned into anger and he impulsively vented his rage by swinging his arm violently across the table and propelling his glass of milk through the air until it crashed against the cupboard and shattered, spraying glass and milk around the room. He knew he had acted improperly, but he'd been unable to stop himself.

"Benton Fraser! That was totally uncalled for! Apparently, you need a reminder about the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior! But first you will clean up that mess immediately!" Grandma ordered sternly.

"No, I don't feel like it," Ben replied defiantly.

"You'd better wipe that pout off your face and do as I tell you, young man, or there are going to be consequences!" Grandma stared at Ben, but he refused to move or to look up at her. "You have ten seconds to comply."

"I hate you!" Ben suddenly yelled and got up and ran from the room.

"Come back here, Benton!" Grandma shouted after him.

"Fuck off!" He ran to his room and slammed the door shut. Am I dreaming? he wondered. He had never before told his grandmother to 'fuck off,' and it didn't seem possible that he'd actually just done so. Such language was strictly forbidden, and he knew he'd pay for it dearly, but he didn't care. Nothing mattered to him at that moment.

Grandma followed Ben and knocked on his bedroom door. There was no answer, so she tried to open the door, but discovered it was locked. She knocked again, a little louder.

"Go away!" came the angry response from within.

Grandma tried to remain calm and knocked for a third time, even more insistently this time. A few seconds later she heard the lock being unlatched, and the door opened a crack. She pushed into the room and found Ben looking out the window, with his back to her.

"That was quite a display. And if that friend of yours is encouraging you to use such profanity, then perhaps it's for the best that you be separated," Grandma said harshly. Ben made no response. "Benton Fraser, I'm speaking to you!"

"I don't feel like talking. Can't you just leave me alone?" Ben pleaded with a shaky voice.

"No, I can't, because I do have something to say. If you don't feel like talking, that's fine. But you are going to listen! And I would appreciate it if you'd face me when I'm speaking to you!"

Ben refused to turn away from the window.

"Very well. Be stubborn. But know this, Benton. Disrespect and rudeness will not be tolerated in this house. I don't care how angry you are, it's no excuse for such behavior toward me or anyone else. And, if I don't hear an apology from you this instant, you will be punished!"

She waited several seconds to give him a chance to consider this, but he still refused to speak or to even look at her. "All right, Ben. You're grounded for two weeks. No friends and no hockey. Except for chores, you will not leave this house."

Ben dropped his head and wiped tears from his face.

"The least you can do is acknowledge me!" But he didn't. "Okay, fine. I'll be in the other room for a while if you decide you're ready to talk to me respectfully. Until that time, you can stay in your room. If you insist on acting like a child, that's how I'll treat you."

Grandma left his room, closing the door behind her. As she stood outside Ben's room, she heard him crying, and the sound of his plaintive sobs tore at her heart. She knew Ben was usually able to resist crying, but lately she'd inadvertently witnessed several similar episodes from outside his room. She never approached him about it because it was obvious he didn't want her to know about his crying, but she did keep an attentive eye on him.

Grandma knew that Ben still acutely felt the loss of his mother despite the fact that she and Grandpa had raised him for the past seven years as if he were their own child. It was only natural that he would. His mum was dead, however, and that couldn't be changed. It was the continual absence of Ben's father that really worried Grandma. Ben needed a connection with his father, a link to the memory of his mum and the family that had abandoned him. So, Grandma felt sure there was more at the root of Ben's current discontent than her refusal to let him go away to hockey school with Mark. But she couldn't force him to talk about it.

An hour later, Grandma once again knocked on Ben's bedroom door. This time he invited her to "Come in." When she entered the room, she found him sitting at his desk, hiding a piece of paper under a school book.

"Doing your homework?"

Ben nodded, but didn't look at her.

"Why are you hiding it?"

"I'm not."

Grandma went over to him and moved the book to reveal the piece of paper he had hidden. She picked it up to read it, but once she realized what it was, she handed it back to Ben. "Why do you feel you have to hide a letter to your father?"

"I don't."

"I see." Grandma would not pry into Ben's correspondence with his father. Besides, it wasn't really necessary, as she had a pretty good idea why he was writing to his dad. So she put a hand on his shoulder and changed the subject. "I'm going down to the library now to help your grandpa. Is there anything you'd like to discuss before I go?"

Ben looked down at the desktop and shook his head.

"Okay. If you change your mind, we can talk when I get home. I won't be long."

"What the heck is there to talk about?" he asked impertinently.

"Uh, watch your tone with me, Benton!" Grandma warned.

"I can't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean I can't watch my tone 'cause you can't see a tone."

If this hadn't been said with such impudence, Grandma would have been tempted to smile. As it was, she was losing patience with her grandson's attitude. "Very amusing, smart aleck! You're skating on thin ice. I hope you realize that."

Ben shrugged and mumbled "I don't care." Of course he realized it, but in an odd sort of way, he was enjoying pushing the limits. He was damned if he was going to give in to his grandmother so easily and let her have the satisfaction of winning this battle of wills.

"Well, I do care." Grandma gave his ear a firm pinch and a tug until he turned to look at her. "I don't want to have to take harsher measures with you, but if this attitude continues, you will force my hand. I'm not going to abide any willful disrespect from you, Benton. I'm here to listen if you have concerns you care to express in a courteous manner, because I believe you will feel better if you talk about it. But, if you prefer to sulk, I would advise you to do so without the sassiness." She paused and cleared her throat. "Now, if you have something to say to me, do you think you can say it courteously?"

Ben was silent for several seconds as he subconsciously rubbed his chastised ear and thought about Grandma's warning. That was one thing about Grandma. She almost always gave him a second chance when he was getting out of line.

"What do you think, Ben?" Grandma asked as she began to massage his neck and shoulders gently with her fingertips in an attempt to ease some of his tension.

Ben relaxed a little and replied earnestly, "You already told me I can't go to school with Mark and you said it was final. I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me what's bothering you," she sighed.

"That is what's bothering me!"

"Nothing else?"

"No."

Grandma moved to stand against the edge of the desk, looking at Ben. "You're going to have to accept this, Ben. I'm the adult here. It's my responsibility to make these decisions, not yours."

"I'm not a baby, you know."

"I didn't say you were."

"You treat me like I am."

"This is very childish behavior. This pouting and acting out just because you didn't get your way about something."

"I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions."

"About some things, yes, you are, but not about this."

"Why not?" Ben whined in frustration.

"Because you're only thinking about what you want right now, not about what would be best for you in the long run."

"Hockey would be best for me in the long run! Going to this school could give me a better chance of playing professional hockey someday."

"Since when have you wanted to play professional hockey?"

"Are you kidding? It's my dream! Me and Mark both!"

"That's funny, this is the first I've heard of it. I thought you wanted to be a Mountie, like your father. I'm not convinced that a future playing hockey is really what's most important to you."

"I'm not lying to you, Grandma."

"I know you're not, honey. But I think you might be a little confused about why you want to go to this school. What would you say about enrolling in the village school instead of being home schooled? That might be less lonely for you."

"No, that's not what I want. I want to play hockey." It sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was his grandmother.

"Because Mark does?"

"No, because I want to."

"I see. Well, if you still feel that way in two or three years, we'll reconsider hockey school."

"It'll be too late by then, Grandma. You have to start early, or you'll never make it. Mark's parents understand that. They're letting him go," Ben sulked.

"That's fine for Mark. But you're not Mark and I'm not Mark's parents."

"No, you're sure not," he sassed back.

"Don't be fresh, Benton! We were having a nice talk. Don't spoil it."

"I have to finish my homework," he stated as he turned away from her and began to read the book in front of him.

Grandma was disappointed that he still hadn't apologized for his earlier rudeness, but she decided not to push it at that moment. "If you get hungry, make yourself a sandwich, okay?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

Grandma made her way to the door then turned back to Ben. "And remember. You're not to leave the house."

"Uh, huh."

As soon as Ben heard his grandmother close the front door, he ran to his window and watched her walk toward the library, which was about a half-mile away, just outside the village center. Once she was out of sight, he grabbed his skates and coat and left the house. It was very uncharacteristic of him to so blatantly disobey his grandmother, but as he didn't feel at all like himself these days, this behavior came almost naturally. He knew without a doubt where he would find Mark: at the pond behind his house.

Mark wasn't alone at the pond. His girlfriend, Suzy, was there, along with Julie Frobisher. Ben couldn't help but be pleased to see Julie, and just the sight of her lifted his spirits immensely. The girls were skating and watching Mark drill hockey pucks deep into the surrounding snow bank. Ben hurriedly put on his skates and snuck onto the ice. No one had noticed him yet, so he decided to surprise Julie.

"Hi!" he said after skating up behind her and skidding to a stop.

"Oh! Ben! You scared me!" Julie reacted.

"Sorry. I wasn't trying to scare you, just surprise you."

"I don't like those kinds of surprises!"

"I'm sorry, Julie." He looked at her, begging for forgiveness.

"Well, okay. Just don't do that again!"

"Okay." He nodded penitently, then turned to Suzy and greeted her as well with a polite "Hello."

"Hi," Suzy answered, and the two girls began to giggle nervously as they whispered in each other's ears.

Ben blushed to be the center of attention to two pretty girls. He was dumbstruck and shifted uncomfortably, briefly losing his balance on his skates, but able to avoid a fall. He blushed even redder when the girls laughed out loud at this.

Julie felt bad about making Ben so uneasy, so she stopped laughing and prodded Suzy to do the same. "Um, Ben, my parents are letting me get a new dress for the New Year's Dance."

"Oh. That's good...um, I mean..." he stammered, and the girls couldn't help giggling under their breath. "You'd be pretty even without a dress on." Ben was horrified when he realized what he'd just said and he turned away from Julie, too embarrassed to face her.

"Ben Fraser! Wait till I tell my father what you just said! He'll skin you alive!" Julie teased him.

"Oh, um, Julie, please don't, uh, tell your dad!" Ben pleaded nervously. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded, honest!"

"Well..." she continued to torture him.

"He won't let me take you to the dance if you do," Ben reasoned.

"That's true," she pondered. "What do you think, Suzy? Should I tell on him or not?"

"Tell. Definitely. You haven't even gone out with him yet, and he's already getting fresh. Teach him a lesson. Or should I say let your dad teach him a lesson!" Suzy laughed and Julie joined in.

"But..." Ben began, but was interrupted.

"Ben! Eh!" Mark suddenly called as he looked up from his slap shots and saw his friend. "Watch this. This one'll go eight, maybe nine, meters in!"

Ben, grateful for this diversion, watched as Mark slapped his stick so hard against the puck that it took off across the ice like a bullet and buried itself deep within the snow. "You won't find that one till the snow melts!" Ben praised him proudly.

"Tell you what. Any I don't find, we'll come back for when we get home for summer break, eh?" Mark said as he began to search the snow bank for the hockey pucks.

"Yeah, okay," Ben answered unenthusiastically. He glanced at Julie and noticed her giving him a quizzical look.

"Get home? What does Mark mean by that?" Julie asked Ben.

"Oh, um, nothing."

The girls had lost their giggles and became very serious.

"He must mean something by it," Suzy stated. "Hey, Mark! Come here!" she called to him.

"Oh dear!" Ben whispered under his breath.

"In a minute, Suze. I'm busy," Mark called back.

"What did you mean by "when you get home?" Suzy yelled to him, impatient for an answer.

"Oh, that. Didn't I tell you?" he answered distractedly.

"No, you didn't!"

"Ben's right there. Ask him. He knows." Mark continued his search for the pucks, totally unconcerned about the situation in which he had placed Ben.

The girls stared at Ben with an expression eerily similar to that used by his grandmother when she knew he was withholding information from her.

"Um, Mark!" Ben called nervously, but Mark apparently didn't hear him.

"All right, spill it, Ben, or I tell my father you want to see me without a dress on!" Julie threatened him, serious this time.

"I didn't say that!" Ben protested.

"Let's go, Julie," Suzy coaxed her. "Your dad must be home by now." And Suzy and Julie began to skate to the edge of the pond.

"Wait!" Ben screamed. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you!" Ben skated over to the girls and stood silently, looking from them to Mark and back again.

"Well?" Suzy asked.

"Mark's going to a hockey school...in Edmonton."

"What? When?"

"Next term. After the new year."

Suzy was speechless. She couldn't believe her boyfriend had neglected to tell her this important detail.

Just then, Mark skated over to them, spraying slivers of ice on all of them as he came to a sudden stop. It was deadly quiet as they all stood there with their heads bowed. "What's going on? Some kinda prayer meetin'?" Mark asked, laughing.

"How could you not tell me, Mark?" Suzy was obviously hurt.

"Don't tell me you're upset?"

"You bet I am! I thought we were...I thought we were important to each other."

"Of course we are, Suze. Nothing's changed."

"Oh, no, nothing except I'll be here and you'll be thousands of miles away at some stupid hockey school."

"That stupid hockey school is gonna make me a big star some day. And Ben, too."

Oh dear! Ben thought to himself. Did he have to say that?

"You're leaving too, Ben?" Julie asked with a mix of anger and sadness in her voice.

"Um..."

"'Course he is. He's my bro, eh? My roomie?"

Ben coughed nervously then said "Well, yeah, but I have to ask my dad first."

Mark ignored that comment from Ben and continued "Do you expect us to pass up this kind of opportunity just because of you girls? I mean, no offense, Suze, but girls will come and go. This is hockey we're talking about. This is our future."

Ben didn't like what Mark had said, but he didn't dare speak up. After all, Mark was so much more self-assured around girls. Perhaps he was only saying what any other guy would say.

"Fine!" Suzy snapped. "Consider me gone!"

"Fine," Mark agreed. "There'll be girls swarming around me in Edmonton. You'd just hold me back anyway."

"Oh, you're such a stud, aren't you? Well, I hope all the girls swarm around Ben and don't give you a second look!"

Ben blushed at this thought and looked at Julie, who was obviously unhappy.

"There'll be plenty of girls for both of us, smarty-pants! Girls love hockey players. Especially big stars like me and Ben'll be. We'll be able to have a new girl every night."

Ben's eyes widened and he looked at Mark in terror.

"I didn't think you were that kind of boy, Ben," Julie stated sadly. "A different girl every night?"

"Um, well, Mark said we could, not that we would. Right, Mark?" Ben answered anxiously.

"Did I?"

"I think so." Ben gave Mark an urgent stare, begging him to agree.

"Sure, yeah, I guess so. But, hey, who wouldn't if he could, eh, Ben?" Mark laughed as he looked at Suzy pointedly.

"Well, if that's how you feel, maybe you should find somebody else to take to the New Year's Dance," Julie told Ben.

Ben was stunned. The promise of his first date was slipping away. He didn't know what to say until Mark nudged him and whispered into his ear and then winked at him, urging him on. Ben, desperate for something to say, repeated Mark's "Gladly." And Ben couldn't believe his own ears when he heard himself cruelly add "I never wanted to take you in the first place."

Julie began to cry and Ben skated away from them, consumed by guilt and unable to bear Julie's tears. Suzy put her arms around Julie and gave Mark an angry glare.

"Girls!" Mark sighed, and skated over to Ben. "Hey, Bud. You weren't serious back there, were you? About needing to ask your dad about the school?"

Ben nodded.

"You said you were gonna tell your grandparents you were going!"

"I did. I told my grandma."

"Good, then you're going."

"She won't let me go."

"Won't let you? Hey, man, you weren't supposed to ask permission. You were supposed to tell them. Come on, are you a high school man or a fucking kid?"

Ben was very hurt by this question and he turned away from Mark and looked at the ground. Nothing was going right today and suddenly everybody was mad at him.

"Look, Ben, just tell her if she doesn't let you go, you'll run away. What's she gonna do, eh?"

"She grounded me."

"What?"

"I'm gonna be in big trouble for coming out here."

"Aw, give me a break! The little baby's gonna be in trouble, eh? What, is Grandma gonna take you over her knee and give you a good spanking?" Mark taunted him. He didn't really mean to be so cruel, but he was very frustrated that Ben might not be able to go away to school with him.

Ben was now becoming equally angry with Mark. "Maybe," Ben looked at Mark and answered. "Or maybe she won't let me out of the house again till you're gone to Edmonton." Ben was almost crying at the thought of not seeing his best friend again before he went away.

"Yeah, well maybe it's a good thing you're not coming. I certainly don't want a fucking baby for a roommate." It hurt Mark as much to say that as it hurt Ben to hear it.

"And I wouldn't want a fucking asshole for a roommate," Ben forced himself to retort angrily.

"Hey, you watch that mouth, baby, or I'm gonna tell your grandma what you said!"

Ben felt momentary panic at Mark's threat, but then he realized Mark would never go through with it. He was just as intimidated by Grandma as Ben was, actually more so.

"Puck off, Smithbauer!" Ben started to skate away, then stopped and turned back to Mark to say "See you 'round."

"That's right! Go home to Grandma!" Mark called after him. And both boys wondered sadly if they were losing their best friend forever.

Ben found the girls removing their skates at the edge of the pond and began to do the same. "Julie..."

"Don't talk to me, Benton Fraser!" she yelled.

"But..."

"You're a creep, and I don't ever want to see your ugly face again!"

Ben was in no mood for this. "Good, 'cause I don't ever wanna see your ugly face again, either!" He didn't mean that, but he knew it would hurt her, and he found himself taking a perverse pleasure in hurting anyone at that moment.

Suzy whispered into Julie's ear, and then Julie hissed at Ben "Kiss my ass!"

"Not if...not if..." Ben searched for the perfect reply. "Not if it was made of chocolate and whipped cream!" Ben couldn't stand himself for the way he was acting, but he also couldn't stop himself. "And don't waste your time shopping for a new dress. You'll never find one that'll make you pretty!"

Julie ran off crying, and Suzy followed her, calling back to Ben "You just wait till Julie's father hears about this, Benton. You'll be sorry!"

Ben watched with regret as they disappeared into the darkness. Then he put on his boots, flung his skates over his shoulder and headed off into the woods, with tears streaming down his face, feeling as though his world had just come to an end.

The house was dark when Ben returned home late that night. Maybe Grandma and Grandpa hadn't come home from the library yet, he hoped. He didn't feel up to facing anybody just then. But as he made it to his bedroom door, his hope was dashed.

"Benton?" Grandpa called from the living room.

Ben sighed and called back "Yeah?"

"Come in here, Son." Grandpa turned on a reading lamp and saw Ben appear hesitantly. "Come on in. We've got some business to attend to," he said soberly as he sat up straight in his chair.

"Business?" Ben asked as he anxiously approached his grandfather.

"It's well past your curfew. I was just about to go out looking for you."

"I'm sorry, Sir. I guess I lost track of the time."

"Apparently." As soon as Grandpa got a close look at Ben's face, he could tell that the boy was upset. His eyes were red and swollen and his cheeks were tear-stained. "Are you all right?" Grandpa asked with concern.

"Yes, Sir," Ben lied in a whisper.

"Are you sure? You look...distressed."

Ben turned his head and said nothing.

"Ben?"

"Do I have to talk about it right now, Sir?"

"No, not if you're not up to it."

"I'm not, Sir."

"Okay, but when you are, you'll let me know, won't you?"

"Uh, huh," Ben nodded.

"Good." Grandpa stood up and walked over to the hearth then turned to face Ben.

"May I go to bed now, Sir?"

"No, you may not. We need to discuss a rather disturbing report I've had from your grandmother, concerning your behavior this evening."

"Oh." Ben hung his head and crossed his hands behind his back.

"This isn't like you, Ben. I hope you're not getting too big for your britches."

"I was angry, Sir," he answered without looking up.

"I'm a little angry myself!" Grandpa replied severely, leaving Ben with little doubt that he was the object of his grandfather's anger. "We all get angry on occasion. Would you like me to deal with my anger the same way you dealt with yours?"

"I couldn't help it, Grandpa."

"It's not easy sometimes, I know, Son. Especially at your age. You want to be your own man, but everyone's still telling you what you can and can't do."

"Uh, huh." Ben finally looked at his grandpa.

"Well, you'd better get used to it, because, believe it or not, that never changes, even when you get to be as old as I am."

"Aw, c'mon, Grandpa. It can't be this bad!"

"Are you unhappy living here with your grandma and me?"

"No, Sir. That's not what I meant."

"Good. Good. What did you mean?"

Ben looked at the floor and didn't say anything.

"What's the matter, Ben?"

"I don't know, Sir." Ben sighed deeply, then added "Everything."

"Anything I can do to help?" Grandpa asked as he went over to Ben and put an arm around him.

Ben looked at his grandfather with surprise. "You want to help, even after the way I acted? I thought you'd....you must hate me."

"Hate you? Don't be ridiculous. You know, I remember when your dad was your age. His mum and I couldn't imagine what we'd done to make him hate us so much. One day we were the most important people in his life and the next it seemed he wished he'd never known us. Eventually, of course, we came to understand that it wasn't us that he hated; it was himself."

"Dad hated himself?"

"Well, let's just say he was uncomfortable in his own skin. Know what I mean?"

"I think so, Sir."

"Most of us go through a phase like that. It's a difficult time, but once you realize the rest of the world doesn't think you're as worthless as you do, things start to look up."

Ben and his grandfather were both silent for a while and then Ben asked "Do you think Grandma knows I don't really hate her?"

"Only one way to find out, Son." Grandpa raised his eyebrows at Ben, who nodded back. "She's in the other room. You stay here and I'll send her in, okay?"

"Okay."

Ben was practicing what he was going to say to his grandmother when he noticed her enter the room. He stood up straight and looked her in the eye as he said "Have a seat, Grandmother."

"I will if you will, hmm?" she answered as she guided him to the sofa, where they both sat down. "I was concerned to find you missing when I got home, Ben."

"I know. I'm so sorry, Grandma. For everything." As hard as it was to say, it felt good to finally get that out.

"Where did you go?"

"To Mark's," Ben answered and then hung his head.

"You were there all this time?"

"No, Ma'am. I went for a walk after."

"This disobedience and disrespect can't continue."

"It won't, Grandma. I promise."

Grandma lifted Ben's chin so he would look at her and then she said gravely, "If I ever again hear you use the language you used with me this afternoon..."

"I'm sorry," Ben interrupted. "I didn't mean what I said. It just slipped out."

"A little too easily, in my opinion. Are you in the habit of speaking that way to your friends?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, do you use that word, or any other words of a similar nature, while talking with your friends?"

Ben wished he could say no. After all, it was quite rare for him to use profanity, especially in a derogatory manner. This language was part of the vernacular among his few friends, so he felt compelled to employ it with them occasionally so he'd be accepted as one of the gang. But the memory of his last few, angry words with Mark that very night was still echoing in Ben's mind and his conscience wouldn't allow him to deny it.

"I guess so...sometimes," he confessed. "But they don't mind, Grandma. They all talk like that sometimes, too."

"I do mind, Ben. You know quite well that I mind very much, indeed. Don't you?"

"I guess, but I don't see why it's such a big deal to talk that way with my friends, Ma'am," Ben stated, trying not to sound argumentative.

"It's a big deal because when you make those words a part of your everyday vocabulary, even in a seemingly harmless way, you invite complacency."

"What's that mean?"

"That means you'll be more likely to feel free to use such language to anyone at any time and for any reason. Just as you did today with me."

"Oh."

"Do I have to explain why that's inappropriate?"

"No, Ma'am," he replied and then realized that she wanted to hear from him why it was wrong. "It's inappropriate because those words are impolite and offensive."

"Yes, that's right. They're used with intent to cause emotional harm, and I won't stand for you behaving in such a cruel manner. So, if I ever hear one of those words just 'slip out' of your mouth again, I will assume they are still a part of your vocabulary and I will take corrective action. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Ma'am. I won't say those words any more. I never used them much, anyway. That's the truth, Grandma."

"Well, that's a load off my mind. And I'm glad to see you've calmed down quite a bit since this afternoon."

"Yes, Ma'am. I don't know what was wrong with me. I was...um..."

"Angry? Frustrated?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Ben looked at his grandmother, grateful that she seemed to understand. "But it's probably just a phase. Grandpa thinks I'm uncomfortable in my skin."

Grandma smiled at Ben's use of this phrase and then asked with concern, "Are you?"

"I guess. I don't know. Sometimes..." Ben paused, unsure whether he wanted to share this with his grandmother.

"Sometimes what, honey?"

"I'm ashamed to tell you."

"You can tell me anything, Ben. Absolutely anything. It's very important that you believe that."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"So, sometimes...?"

"Sometimes I, um, feel like crying and I don't know why. I'm sorry, Grandma. I know it's wrong..."

"No, dear, it's not wrong to feel that way. What'd be wrong would be to wallow in those feelings, to let them get the better of you."

"I hardly ever cry, honest. And I swear I won't cry at all any more if you don't want me to."

"No, don't promise me that, Ben. I don't want you to promise me that," Grandma said insistently.

"But you just said..."

"There's a world of difference between crying and wallowing. What I don't want to see you do is mope around looking for pity and sympathy. That's wallowing and it serves no useful purpose. A private, honest cry can be very purgative when you're overrun with emotions. Do you feel any better after you cry?"

"Sometimes, for a while. Until I think of what Dad would say if he knew."

"Oh, don't let him fool you, Ben. Your father cries, too...on occasion. He just keeps it to himself. And so he should."

"Are you sure, Grandma?" Ben asked in disbelief.

"Positive! But don't ever let him know I told you that, okay, honey?" she winked at him.

"Okay," Ben smiled gratefully at his grandmother.

"Good boy!" she smiled back at him. "So, did you get that letter off to your father? The one you were writing earlier?" she asked, hoping he would share.

"No, not yet." Ben bowed his head guiltily as he confessed "I was gonna ask him to let me go to hockey school."

"I see."

"But maybe I'll just ask him to come home for Christmas instead. Do you think he would, if I asked?"

Grandma knew that the holidays were especially difficult for Ben's father. Ever since his wife died when Ben was six years old, he'd pretty much avoided family contact during the holidays. So she imagined he'd find some excuse to deny Ben's request and didn't want him to get his hopes up.

"Well, that's hard to say. You know this is usually a pretty busy time of year for him." She noticed Ben's look of dejection. "But it won't hurt to ask him. Just don't be too disappointed if he says he can't."

"Yes, Ma'am. I understand. Maybe I shouldn't bother him."

Grandma put her arm tightly around Ben in an embrace and encouraged him "Whether he can come home or not, I know he'd be thrilled to hear from you." She smiled at Ben and he smiled back faintly. "Say hello from me and Grandpa while you're at it, eh?"

Ben nodded, then dropped his head to hide a sudden urge to cry. Although his talk with Grandma had made him feel a lot better, he suddenly remembered how he had upset Julie at the pond and he felt the self-doubts coming over him again.

"What's wrong, honey?" Grandma asked when she noticed the obvious change in his demeanor.

"Nothing," he mumbled. He knew Grandma thought he was too young to be dating, and he feared if she knew what had happened with Julie she'd never let him go out with a girl again.

"Would you like me to tell your father he's needed at home?"

"No, no. That's not it."

"All right, I understand. Is this one of those 'times' you were telling me about?"

"Um, yeah, I guess so," he answered, grateful for this handy excuse. "May I go to my room?"

"Yes, in a minute. There's still the matter of your punishment for disobeying me tonight. I can't turn a blind eye to such behavior."

"Yes, Ma'am." He knew darn well he'd be punished for his disobedience. That was a given with his grandmother. "Grandma?"

"Yes?"

"If you ground me for any longer, I'll never see Mark again. He's leaving right after the new year."

"Oh, I see." She looked at Ben, who looked at her with pleading eyes, and she knew she didn't have the heart to inflict such a severe penalty. In fact, in light of his sincere remorse and the obvious inner turmoil he was experiencing, she was inclined to ease up on him. "Well, I may have to give this some thought. You've also promised to take Julie Frobisher to the New Year's dance. It wouldn't be fair to disappoint her."

"Oh...um...that's...um," he stuttered.

"That's what?"

"I don't think she wants to go any more, Grandma."

"Doesn't want to go? Why not?"

"Not with me."

"Is she going with someone else?"

"No. I don't think so. I don't know."

"What aren't you telling me, Ben?"

"Nothing."

"What aren't you telling me?" she asked more insistently.

"We had a fight," Ben answered, unable to lie when Grandma gave him that stern, penetrating glare.

"A fight? You fought with a girl?"

"I didn't hit her or anything like that. We just...yelled at each other."

"Benton, I am deeply disappointed in you. Haven't I taught you that a gentleman must always treat women with the utmost respect?"

"I know, Grandma. I know. I'm sorry."

"I told you you weren't ready to be dating."

"I didn't mean to fight with her, but she got mad at me. I couldn't help it."

"What did you do to make her mad at you?"

"Nothing."

"Benton!" she yelled, again accompanied by that stern, penetrating glare.

Ben looked at the floor and answered "I guess I wasn't very nice. I was...um...telling her that...um..."

"Telling her what?"

Ben hesitated, then stated firmly "I wasn't very nice to her this evening."

"Then you will apologize to her! Is that clear?" Although she would have liked more details about what happened between them, she figured this was a personal matter and wouldn't invade Ben's privacy by insisting he tell her more. The important thing was that he admitted he had behaved improperly, and she would insist that he apologize to Julie.

"Yes, Ma'am. Understood."

"And I'd better never hear of you treating a girl in such a manner again, young man!"

"No, Ma'am. You won't."

"Just to be sure, we'll have a little refresher course in chivalry before you go to that dance."

"But I won't be going, Grandma. Julie hates me now," Ben said with shame.

"She may be hurt and angry with you, but I doubt she hates you," Grandma said as she gently squeezed his shoulder. "Do you still want to take her to the dance?"

"Uh, huh."

"Then after you apologize for the way you behaved tonight, ask her again to accompany you. That will show her you're trying to make a fresh start."

"Maybe I should take her a gift, too."

"No, bribery would be totally inappropriate. If she's interested in spending time with you, then your sincerity is the only thing she needs from you."

"This sure is complicated, Grandma!" Ben smiled shyly at her.

"That's why your grandfather and I are here."

Ben looked down for a second, then looked back to his grandmother and said softly "I'm glad you're my grandma."

Grandma smiled as she pushed his hair away from his face and gave his cheek a love pat. "Likewise, Ben." She didn't want to confuse him any more by showing tears, so she quickly changed the subject. "Okay, it's past your bedtime. And mine as well."

"Yes, Ma'am," Ben said as he stood up to leave. "Goodnight."

Grandma stood up and gave him a goodnight hug and kiss, then startled him with a brisk smack on his bottom. "One more thing before you leave..."

"Yes, Ma'am?" Ben steeled himself for a stiff reprimand.

"Starting tomorrow you will go down to the library every day after your lessons to help Grandpa with the inventory until dinnertime. After dinner you can study and do your homework."

"Understood, Ma'am."

"As soon as the inventory's completed, you may go back to your normal routine."

"Yes, Ma'am." Ben wasn't sure whether he should ask, but he did. "When do you think that'll be?"

"That depends on how hard you work at it. But, if you do everything Grandpa tells you to do and give it your best effort, I would imagine you'll finish in plenty of time for the dance."

"And playing hockey with Mark again before he leaves?" Ben entreated.

"And playing hockey with Mark."

"Thank you, Ma'am." A tear of unknown origin fell down Ben's cheek, and Grandma reached out and gently brushed it away.

THE END

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