Testing Time

Even though the sky over Chicago was dull and grey, in Ray’s eyes it was a great day, a wonderful day, and he was whistling cheerfully as he bounded up the stairs to Ben’s apartment. He rapped on the door with his knuckles.

“Hey, Benny! You ready?”

“Come on in Ray.”

He burst through the door only to find that Ben was wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Geez, Benny! You’re not ready yet? Where’s Dief?” There was no sign of the furball.

Ben smiled. “Oh, I’m ready, Ray. And Dief’s over at Willie’s place today.”

He dropped the towel, and Ray, his eyes wandering appreciatively over the view, had to admit he looked ready... very ready. Ray stepped closer and put his arms around his lover’s waist.

“Mmm, you smell nice.”

Ben blushed slightly. “I borrowed some of your aftershave. I hope you don’t mind.”

“What’s mine is yours, lover.” Ray nibbled lazily at an earlobe.

“Oh? Even the Riv?” Ben grinned as Ray tensed in his arms.

“What are you planning, Benny? Something crazy, I bet.”

“I’m not planning anything, Ray...” Ben’s voice was all innocence. “Well, nothing involving the Riv, at least...” He ended the conversation by closing Ray’s mouth with his own.

Several minutes later... “So why aren’t you ready for work, Benny?”

Ben mumbled something against his throat.

“Huh? What was that?” Ray pulled back a little.

“I said ‘Do you remember what day this is?’, Ray...”

“Oh!” Ray let a big smile cross his face. “Well, Benny, ya know I’ve been a married man...”

Ben kissed the side of his nose lovingly. “I was aware of that, yes, Ray.”

“... and the first thing an Italian husband learns...” Hands slid under his Armani jacket, over the ivory silk shirt beneath. “... hey! Cut that out! It tickles! ...is to never, ever forget an anniversary.”

“Good!” Ray was rewarded with another prolonged kiss.

“Not if he wants to survive to see the next one...” Without warning Ben struck. “So why are you going to work, Ray?”

Ray stared at him indignantly. “Did I say I was going to work? I didn’t say that! I organised this day off months ago.”

“Oh.”

Ray sighed. “Don’t tell me you’re going to work?”

“Well...” Ben tried to look guilty, but without much success.

“I thought I was gonna have to kidnap you. You actually asked for a day off?”

Ben looked at him patiently... “Yes, Ray.”

“Wow!” Ray grinned broadly, but he was feeling oddly moved by the fact that Ben was willing to take a day off work for him. “Did you have any plans for today? ‘Cause I've booked a table at a restaurant.”

“For what time, Ray?”

“Oh, about eight o'clock... Why?”

“Well, that means we've got plenty of time...” A pair of hands grasped his lapels firmly, taking care not to crumple them, and pulled him forward as Ben backed towards the bed. “Twelve hours forty-seven minutes, actually.”

“Think that’s enough?”

Ben shook his head, smiling. “A lifetime wouldn’t be long enough.”

Even after a year, Ben could still take him by surprise, slip under his guard and take his breath away. He pressed forward against the solid body, his hands gliding over smooth skin to cup the firm buttocks, drawing Ben even closer and seizing his mouth in a kiss. They’d reached the bed. Ray kicked off his shoes, pushed gently and they toppled over together.

Ben seemed to have more hands than usual, and they were extremely active... Finally Ray pulled back to stare down at him. He grinned naughtily, looking like a kid caught out in misbehaviour and totally unrepentant about it. “Aren’t you a little overdressed Ray?”

“You wanna do something about it, Mountie?”

“I’d love to... That was an invitation, wasn’t it?” He was already busy, carefully removing the jacket and putting it on one side. Then he attacked the tie, sliding it free and laying it atop the jacket. “Is this a new one? I like the design.”

Ray choked with laughter. “What do you know about good clothes, Benny? You never wear anything but jeans.”

“Why, that’s just not true, Ray.” Ben’s affronted look set him off into fresh gusts.

“So what else do you wear?”

Ben was occupied in undoing his shirt buttons, kissing each bit of skin as he exposed it. “Well, there’s my uniform.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s a real fashion statement.”

Ben glanced up from under his lashes, pouting a little. “Some people seem to find it attractive.”

“Sure. Like my sister.” Ray pulled back sharply. “Has she been bothering you again, Benny? I told her to lay off of you.”

“Ray, Ray, Ray... concentrate.” He was pulled down again, just as sharply. The shirt was slipped off his shoulders and he spread himself across that broad chest, wriggling a little for the pleasure of feeling taut nipples scrape across his skin. Ben sighed his approval. “Mmmn... that’s better.”

Ray turned his face into the hollow of Ben’s shoulder and inhaled deeply, his tongue flickering lazily over the silky skin. He noted with pleasure that Ben had turned his attentions to the expensive Italian pants he was wearing. “Just you be careful with those. It’ll cost you a month’s wages to replace them...”

He was almost distracted from what Ben’s hands were doing by a warm wet sensation tracing the curves of his ear. “Would you consider taking services in lieu of actual cash, Ray?”

“It depends what services you’re offering here, Benny.” He shifted his hips obligingly as his pants were removed and then ground himself into his lover’s groin with slow deliberation. Ben’s body rose up to meet him and for a while there was a satisfied silence.

“Ah, Ray? Do you think you could...?”

“Oh. Sure.” He managed to separate himself from Ben long enough for a hand to invade the black silk briefs he’d put on specially this morning. Warm fingers closed around his cock and began a steady stroking. “Mmm... I thought you wanted to take them off...”

“Later...” Ben shifted them both onto their sides and Ray reached between their bodies to return the favour. “Oh, that’s good... yes, like that.”

There was plenty of time... they lay relaxed and lazy, with just their hands moving in a leisurely caress while they kissed. Ray had a feeling that Ben had something planned, a feeling that was confirmed for him when Ben took his hand and lifted it away from the pale cock to press his lips into its palm.

“Why don’t you just relax and let me do this for a while?” His voice was just a murmur, sexy and innocent at the same time, as only Benny could be.

Ray sighed with satisfaction and clasped his hands behind his head while Ben stroked him. He loved it when Ben started giving him directions... it always meant that he had something in mind... something incredibly sexy. He stared down his body at the sight of that gentle hand moving slowly under the thin cloth and stretched lazily.

Ben’s hand shifted down to cover his balls lightly. His touch was so gentle and yet so sure, it sent shivers through Ray as one fingertip caressed the sensitive area beneath, sliding back to touch, briefly, the soft bud of Ray’s anus.

It was their favourite game... the trick was to hold back and prolong the delicious torture for as long as possible, while Ben thought up new ways to arouse him. It never ceased to amaze him, just how inventive Ben could be... That wonderful touch was moving back up his cock now, but only to draw down the cloth covering it and allow it to spring free, quivering with tension.

Ray gasped. He hadn’t been aware of moving, but now he realised he was clutching at the sheets on either side of his body while his body arched off the surface of the bed. Ben’s hand was cupping his balls now, still contained in the pouch of his briefs. Carefully, he rolled each testicle smoothly within the sac, stroking and squeezing delicately.

They made no sound now, intent on their game. Only their breathing could be heard, sounding abnormally loud in the silence. Ben withdrew his hand suddenly and Ray bit back a moan at the loss of contact. It was soon replaced, sliding under the elasticised leg opening of the briefs, sliding once again over his aching balls and back, beneath their weight, over the perineum to circle the trembling anus.

Just when Ray thought he couldn’t control his responses any longer the hand was withdrawn again. This time the cloth at the back was drawn down and two fingers slid gently inside him. He strained to meet this wonderful invasion of his body, pushing against the bulk of it, his breath coming in the same rhythm as the movement inside him. Ben lowered his head and began to suck the black silk covered bulge of his balls.

Nothing could have stopped him groaning aloud at that, but then he dragged together the shreds of his self control and lay still again. Once more there was no sound other than their breathing and the quiet noises made by Ben’s loving assault. Ray was sweating as though he’d run a marathon, his body shaking with the force of his need. He knew he couldn’t hold out much longer against Ben’s determined onslaught on his senses.

He heard a soft slapping sound and realised it was his cock, rising and falling back against his belly in time with the gentle thrusting of Ben’s fingers, a slender sticky thread stretching from his belly to the tip. His hips shifted suddenly, and Ben’s head lifted to look at his face. Ben must have seen that it was time. He dropped his head again to swiftly tongue the flushed cockhead, licking away the juices. Ray cried out then, shuddering uncontrollably, and Ben took his whole length swiftly into his mouth.

It was over in a moment, too intense to be prolonged any further. Ray was left limp and exhausted, his whole body acutely sensitive... even the air brushing against his skin was too harsh. Ben was silent beside him, not moving either for a long time. Eventually, Ray leaned over to draw him closer, brushing away the damp hair from his flushed and sweating face.

“Oh, Benny... that was... spectacular... Want me to do something for you?”

Ben’s blush deepened a little. “That won’t be necessary, Ray...”

Ray glanced down between their bodies, seeing the depleted cock, the spattering of semen on his thighs. “Wow...” His voice was hushed. “You mean you came, just from what you did to me?”

Ben nodded, eyeing him uncertainly.

“Wow... Benny. God you’re so sexy, I can’t believe it.”

Ben smiled, relaxed and happy now, and pressed into his arms. “Happy anniversary, Ray.”

“You mean that was your present, Benny?” Ray grinned. Trust Benny to think of a present like that.

“Mmm hmm... Have you got a present for me, Ray?” Ben’s voice was wickedly innocent.

“Give me a bit of time, Benny! A few minutes to think of something, OK? And about two days to recover from your present... Benny! Stop that! Benny!”

In the end there wasn’t enough time. They had to scramble to get ready to go out. Ben insisted on using the building’s communal bathroom first, so Ray had to rush through the shower and then hurry back to the apartment in the robe he’d left there soon after he and Ben had become lovers. He came bursting through the door, complaints in full flight over the state of the plumbing and then stopped mid-sentence.

Ben had hoped to have finished dressing by the time Ray came back, but he wasn't quite ready. He turned, still holding a tie in either hand. Ray was staring at him in shock. Doubts assailed him as he remembered Ray's comments about his dress sense. He glanced down at his new suit. He'd been so careful, going with the tailor's suggestion of dark navy cloth and classic style. Perhaps it was the shirt... he'd always loved Ray's silk shirts, so he'd bought a couple... this one was a light grey-blue. The shop assistant had embarrassed him by commenting that it was the same colour as his eyes.

Ray's eyes swept from his head down to his stockinged feet and he shifted uncomfortably, sure that he'd made a terrible mistake. Then Ray broke into a huge smile. “God, Benny, that suit looks fantastic! Where did you get it?”

Another potential minefield opened in front of him. “Well actually, Ray... I went to your tailor. You don't mind, do you?”

“Not when he does that good a job on you. I thought the style looked familiar. You got it specially for tonight?”

His knees went weak in reaction and Ray took advantage of his distraction to sneak an arm around his waist and plant a kiss on his cheek.

“Don't wrinkle my shirt!”

His instinctive reaction startled both of them and Ray burst out laughing. “My God, now you're fashionable, you're going to be impossible to live with.”

Ben relaxed. “I thought I already was.”

Ray sidled up even closer to him and nibbled gently on an earlobe. “Well, now you're gonna be worse.”

He smiled and tilted his head slightly, inviting a detour down his throat. It was a quite wonderful sensation... He realised suddenly that they were going to be really late. “Ah, Ray... perhaps you could get dressed?”

“Oh! Yeah, OK.” But Ray moved away reluctantly.

Later, in the Riv, Ben pressed his lips tightly together and didn't say a word as Ray wove his way expertly through the traffic, causing squeals from the tyres and angry yells from the other road users. Ray flashed him a smile. “Don't worry so much Benny, I've never had an accident yet.”

“Where are we going Ray? We don't usually come to restaurants in this area.”

“It's new, only been open a month. It's the hot new place. Good food, good wine, good music.”

“Sounds... good, Ray.”

Ray looked as though he was up to some kind of mischief. “Yeah, well tonight's special, Benny.”

They managed to avoid any actual collisions and Ben breathed a silent sigh of relief when Ray pulled up and parked the car. The restaurant was obviously busy and even though they were running late, it was a while before they were seated at their table. Looking around, Ben saw that there were a lot of men there, but not many women. Still he didn't get it, until the waiter had taken their order and Ray reached across the table to take his hand and hold it. He felt his eyes go round with surprise and Ray grinned at him.

They never went to gay places. For himself, Ben didn't care who knew about them, but he had nothing to lose by it. The stakes were much higher for Ray.

“Relax Benny. This place is so new, nobody we know is gonna be here.”

“It's still a risk, Ray.”

“Hey, it's our first anniversary. I wanted to be somewhere where it's OK for us to be... you know... together.”

He knew. He smiled at Ray and resisted the temptation to reach across and kiss him right then and there. He thought Ray recognised it, because his lover suddenly leaned forward. He squeezed Ray's hand in warning and Ray drew back a little. The wine arrived then and their mood lightened as they sipped it appreciatively.

The food, when it arrived, was excellent. Even Ray couldn't find fault with it and they ate in a satisfied silence, listening to the quiet music. By the time they'd finished the main course, several couples had drifted onto the tiny dance floor.

Ray caught him looking. “You wanna dance, Benny?”

His first reaction was to say no. They’d never danced, except for that time he’d become Ms Fraser, which hardly counted. It had never occurred to him to want to dance with Ray. But now that it had been mentioned... he looked at the couple nearest them and wondered what it would be like to hold Ray like that in public... so close, so obviously in love...

Ray was already standing, holding out a hand. He took the offered hand and allowed Ray to lead him onto the dance floor, his heart pounding. They turned and moved together, and Ray was just as awkward as he. There wasn’t room to dance properly, so they pressed a little closer together and swayed slowly in time with the music. It was rather mesmerising, and terribly romantic. Ben turned his head and nuzzled Ray’s ear gently.

All too soon the music ended and Ben felt suddenly very self-conscious. He followed Ray back to their table and they sat in silence through the next song not really looking at each other. The waiter arrived to take their order for dessert and departed again, and another song began. Ben glanced up and met Ray’s eyes. This time he was the one standing, taking Ray by the hand.

They stayed on the dance floor through the next three songs, oblivious to everyone around them, but as the last song ended Ray sighed.

“God, I love you...” Their lips meet for a brief, sweet kiss and then they parted, moving back to the table where their desserts were waiting for them.

He had no appetite anymore. Neither, it seemed, did Ray. They stared at each other across the table and held hands. Like a pair of lovesick teenagers, he thought with a sudden spurt of humour.

“You wanna go home, Benny?” Ray’s voice was a caress. He nodded. Ray turned in his seat, signalling the waiter. “Bring the check, will ya? And we’ll have these desserts to go.”

There was something quite wonderfully decadent in lying back against your lover’s chest being spoon-fed tiramisu, while his free hand moved with sensual care over your body... Ray sighed. It was a perfect end to a perfect day. It was difficult to believe that he had once thought Ben a straight-arrow, uptight about sex, a complete innocent. It certainly hadn’t taken Ben long to disabuse him of that notion once they’d finally gathered the courage to act on their feelings, but it still surprised him sometimes that anyone who could have such a Spartan lifestyle could also be so incredibly sensuous in his lovemaking.

A chilly blob of tiramisu landed just above his left nipple, startling him out of his reverie. It began to slide downwards.

“Oh, dear! Let me take care of that for you Ray.”

There was no mistaking the satisfaction in the Canadian’s voice. Ray shifted accommodatingly as Ben slid from behind him. The dark head bent over his chest and he caught a glimpse of pink tongue scooping up the creamy dessert from his skin, then following the trail of melted goo to his nipple. He smiled and stretched lazily as the tongue continued to swirl over his nipple.

“More, Ray?” Ben was looking at him enquiringly, a smile lurking behind those innocent blue eyes.

“Maybe you’d better let me...” He reached for the spoon.

Somehow every second or third spoonful never quite made it to its ostensible destination. Strangely enough, the tiramisu began to land in some places that were a surprising distance from either of their mouths. They were both giggling helplessly by the time a blob landed directly on Ray’s overheated cock. Ben lowered his head, but missed the goo altogether.

“Hey, Benny! What about the...?” He let his head drop back to the pillow as the steady sucking melted every bone in his body.

“I like this taste better, Ray. You don’t mind, do you?”

A contented gurgle was the only reply he was capable of making. Fortunately it was all that was required.

It was late... very, very late, but when Ray turned his head he could see Ben’s eyes were still open. They lay looking at each other for a long time in the dim light from the street.

“Remember what we were doing this time last year, Benny?” God, he’d been so scared. So sure that Ben would be horrified, disgusted, when he found out how his best friend really felt about him. What an idiot he’d been...

Ben lifted his arm to peer at his watch. “Right at this time, Ray?”

Ray had learnt to distrust that innocent tone. Still, he wasn’t prepared when Ben rolled over on top of him and without any warning, parted his thighs and slid smoothly inside him. He adjusted his position to accommodate his lover and himself while Ben lowered his head to suck on a nipple. When he looked up again, his eyes were gleaming and he was grinning widely. “This is what we were doing Ray... don’t you remember?”

“Right at this time?”

“Yes, Ray. Exactly at this time.”

Ray smiled happily. “What did we do next, Benny?”

Somehow, when Ben was involved no investigation was ever as simple or straightforward as Ray thought it ought to be. So it was no great surprise to find that a simple purse snatching incident had led to them both hunting through piles of garbage in a deserted alleyway at ten o’clock at night.

“You realise you’ve ruined another one of my suits. It’s gonna bankrupt me, working with you. I don’t know why I don’t just get my wages paid straight to my tailor.”

“Well, Ray, you did ask me...”

“Yeah, but why do we always end up poking through garbage? Huey’s on an investigation now where he’s checking out five star hotels... Why doesn’t that ever happen to me?”

There was no answer and he glanced over to see Ben crouching over a pile of garbage, not moving. Dief was beside him, whining anxiously.

“Benny? What’ve ya got?”

“Ray?” There was something wrong... his voice, his body language, was all wrong.

“What is it Benny?” He was already moving, and as he got close Ben straightened, one hand clutching the other. “What is it?”

Ben held out his hand silently. Even in the dim light, Ray could see the hypodermic needle stuck into the ball of his hand. For a moment he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Oh my God... I gotta get you to a hospital!” He grabbed Ben by the shoulder. “Come on, Benny!”

“Ray... I...” He was just standing there unable to move, and Ray pulled him around and dragged him to where the Riv was waiting with Dief already inside.

Dr Allen had been working nearly 20 hours with only a few short breaks, so when a couple of men, one in some strange uniform, came in to the Emergency Room, she barely noticed them, until the thin one started shouting for immediate attention and flashing his police badge around. He totally ignored the nurses once he'd seen her and came charging over with his protesting companion in tow.

"OK. Can we get some attention here? This is a police emergency."

"Now, Ray. It's not that urgent... I'm sure some of these people have been waiting..."

"Yeah, and we'll be doing the same if I listen to you. Will you just shut up and let me handle this? Hey Doc, this guy needs to be looked at urgently."

She glanced at his hand, which was bleeding slightly. "He doesn't look too badly hurt. I'm sure he won't mind waiting."

"Maybe he won't, but I will. Take a look at this." The cop held up a dirty looking hypo.

She looked at them both, seeing the fear behind the cop's aggression and his friend’s silence, and made up her mind. She signalled to the duty nurse. "Get the details and show them into an examination room."

Five minutes later she was in the examining room with them. It only took a moment to clean the small wound and put a dressing on it. "If you could just take off your jacket and open your shirt? I'll give you an antibiotic shot."

“That’s all you’re gonna do?” It was the cop again.

“That’s all I can do, right now, Mr....”

“Vecchio.”

“...Mr Vecchio. The danger of infection, bacterial infection, is quite high in cases like these. Much higher than the risk for HIV, in fact.”

“Yeah, but...”

“There’s no point in testing for HIV infection at this stage. It takes time for the antibodies to show up in the blood. Mr Fraser will need to come back in two weeks for blood tests.”

She drew the shirt down off Fraser’s shoulder and gave him the shot. He flinched slightly and then looked straight at her for the first time. “Two weeks? But I understood...”

“Early tests aren’t conclusive, but they are important. Come back in two weeks. Then you’ll need another test a month later. After that you should have a test every three months.”

The cop interrupted again. “For how long?”

“At least a year, Mr Vecchio. If we don’t have any positive results during that time your friend should be all right. But it pays to keep checking for another year after that.” Vecchio was looking shattered and Fraser not much better, but she didn’t have the time to spend with them. “You can pick up some literature from the duty nurse on the way out. Mr Fraser, if you’re sexually active you’ll need to take precautions, there’s information on that too.”

She looked back when she got to the privacy curtains. Neither of them had moved, they weren’t even looking at each other. “Take a few minutes, gentlemen. Just leave when you’re ready.”

Passing by a few minutes later, she caught a glimpse of them in the gap between the curtains. They were still there, holding each other tightly. She could see Vecchio’s long fingers clenched in the folds of his friend’s shirt and hear his voice whispering... “...oh God, oh God, oh God...”

The Riv drew over to the curb and Ben tried for a moment to remember something, anything, of the drive home. He didn’t think either he or Ray had said a word. Even Dief had been silent. Or maybe he just hadn’t noticed. The thought faded into oblivion as he opened the door and got out.

“Hey Benny, wait up!”

Oh yes... Ray... He turned back. “It’s late, Ray. You’d better go home, your mother will be worrying.”

Ray was already out of the car, coming towards him. “I’m not leaving you here alone. Not tonight.”

“I’m all right, Ray.”

“Well, you don’t look too good. There’s no point arguing Benny, I’ll call Ma once we get inside.”

He didn’t have the energy to argue, so he turned and went into his apartment building, aware of Ray at his back. Dief bounded ahead and was waiting outside the door to the apartment. Once inside, Ray hugged him tightly and stroked his back. He pulled free of the embrace and moved away.

“I’m fine, Ray. Really.”

Ray ignored him. “Look, I’ll make some tea. OK?”

“Whatever you want, Ray.” He wandered over to the window and looked out. He could hear Ray talking quietly to his mother on the cell phone, but he didn’t want to hear what Ray was telling her. Then Ray was back, a steaming mug of tea in his hands.

“Benny...”

He could hear the pain in Ray’s voice. He didn’t want to face that. Not yet. “Ray you heard the doctor. There’s more risk of my getting a bacterial infection than HIV. There’s no point in worrying about it until we know. We don’t even know if the needle was infected at all.”

“I’ll get Forensics to check it out tomorrow.”

Ben sipped at the tea and for a few precious minutes there was silence.

Ray paced up and down, running his hand over his face. “This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have asked you to help me... it was just a damn purse snatching for God’s sake. It’s not worth dying for.”

The silence this time was shocking. Ray stared at him, his eyes huge and loaded with guilt, then there was a crash as the mug slipped from his fingers. Ray was across the room in an instant, arms going around him again.

“Benny... oh God, Benny...”

“I am not going to die.” His voice sounded strange to him. Calmer than he felt, icy calm. He wondered if Ray noticed the strangeness in him. He felt a tiny flickering of anger. He was the one who’d been exposed to AIDS, not Ray. The least Ray could do was to handle it a bit better. But when he drew back and saw the tears shining on Ray’s face, the anger melted away. “It’ll be all right, Ray.”

Ray moved to kiss him and he turned his face away slightly. “I don’t think we should do that.”

He got a kiss on the cheek instead. “Come on, Benny, let’s go to bed. Just to sleep. I promise I’ll be good.”

It was a pathetic attempt at a joke, but he smiled anyway. “All right Ray.”

The morning brought no relief. Ray woke first and looked across at Ben. There were dark smudges under his eyes, he sure didn't look like he'd slept much. Well, neither of them had. As he watched Ben stirred slightly, his eyelids fluttering and then opening. There was a moment when Ray could see that he had no recollection of last night's events, then he stifled a small movement and the weight of it settled on him. His eyes lifted to Ray's, full with the knowledge of what had happened to him.

He touched Ben's cheek gently, summoning up a smile somehow. "Morning, love."

The answering smile was such a determined effort it nearly broke his heart. He reached for his lover and held him close, needing to hide the pain and fear that must be showing in his own face. Ray knew if he tried to speak about it Ben would avoid the issue, but he accepted the embrace, pressing closer in unacknowledged need of the comfort Ray was offering him. He stroked the broad back gently, feeling tense muscles tightening still further under his touch, then relaxing a little as Ben made a conscious effort. Ray pressed his face against the dark silken hair and fought back his tears.

Eventually Ben slid free of his arms and sat up, stretching his arms and arching his back. Ray pushed himself up beside him. Ben looked as tired as he felt.

"Why don't you stay home today, take it easy... I'll call the Consulate for you."

Ben shook his head slightly, grimacing at some stiffness. "No. There's no point, Ray. I'd rather be working. Besides, I have some things I need to do."

"You sure, Benny?"

Ben leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm sure, Ray. I'm not sick, after all."

He was going to be late, very late, and he was sure to be in trouble when he arrived at the Consulate. Ben put on a burst of speed, though he felt exhausted already, and slipped into the building and up the stairs, hoping to get to his office unnoticed.

His luck ran out at his office door.

“The Inspector’s been asking for you Fraser. She wants to see you as soon as you arrive.”

He ignored the mixture of smugness and curiosity in Ovitz’s voice. “I’ll be there in a moment, thank you, Ovitz.”

It was probably better this way, no point in putting it off he told himself, but still his heart was beating fast as he tapped discreetly on Meg Thatcher’s door.

“Come in. Oh, it’s you Fraser.” Her voice became chilly.

“Yes sir.”

“Would you like to tell me why you’re over two hours late? Turnbull had to take over your guard duty.”

For a hysterical moment he considered answering her question literally. But he didn’t think she’d appreciate being told that he’d rather not tell her why he was late... He pulled his shoulders back a fraction of a millimetre. “I’m sorry, sir. There were some things which I needed to do rather urgently, and I’m afraid...”

She cut across him. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Det. Vecchio, does it, Fraser?”

“Not directly, no sir.”

That earned him a suspicious stare. “And indirectly?”

His heart began to race. He wasn’t ready for this, but it was now or never. “Last night, I had a... a slight accident while I was assisting Det. Vecchio with an investigation. On my own time of course.”

“And this made you late today?”

Ah... yes sir. As a result of the accident, I felt it necessary to conduct some, um... research before reporting for duty.”

Meg frowned. “What are you talking about Fraser? What was this accident?”

His hands were shaking, he moved to parade rest, clasping them behind his back. “I... uh... there was a hypodermic needle involved. It had been discarded in an alley, and I... accidentally, of course... ah...”

“Ben, are you saying you had an accident with a used hypodermic?”

“Yes sir.”

He watched as Meg paled. “Oh my God.”

“So, I thought it best...”

“Sit down, Ben, for God’s sake.”

“I’d rather...”

“Sit down! That’s an order.”

He sat. Meg was staring down at the desk, frowning. When she looked up her eyes were suspiciously bright but her face was more or less under control.

“Have you seen a doctor?”

He was relieved to be asked something he could answer easily. “Oh yes, Ray took me to the hospital straight away.”

“And?”

“I have to go back in two weeks for blood tests.”

“Ben, please. What did they tell you?”

He could feel himself flushing slightly and decided she didn’t need to know about him being told to take precautions before having sex. “I was given some leaflets, but they didn’t have enough information... so I went to the library this morning. However it seems that some of the information given by one authority is questioned by others. I’m afraid it took a lot longer than I anticipated.”

He hesitated, but Meg simply nodded, so he continued. “I was mainly concerned with the danger of passing on any possible infection to my co-workers, however it seems that this is unlikely to happen. Still, I would prefer to take some precautions, such as keeping my eating utensils separate from the others. The main concern would be if I were to accidentally injure myself or to have a nosebleed. I am not, however prone to nosebleeds.”

Meg smiled faintly. “I’m pleased to hear that, Ben. But what about you?”

“Oh.” He’d been trying not to think about that too much, especially about what could happen to people who developed AIDS. “Apparently the blood tests taken at two and six weeks are quite often negative. At six months however, 80% of people who develop HIV will have tested positive. At 12 months the figure is 99%. This is all statistical information of course... there was apparently a case of a person not returning a positive test until five years after the infection occurred.”

Meg was staring at him. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“Ben, would you like to take some leave for a day or two?”

He shook his head. “Thank you, but I’d prefer to work. Unless you intend to suspend me, that is.”

“Suspend...? No, I have no intention of doing that. However, I will have to tell Ottawa... and at least one other staff member here, in case something should happen when I’m not here. I’m sorry, Ben.”

He knew what she meant. It would be Ovitz she’d have to tell, which meant the whole consulate would know within a few days. “Understood. May I go, sir?”

“Of course... and Ben? I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself, and if you need anything, just let me know.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

When Ray turned up in the middle of the afternoon, two days later, Ben knew it wasn’t good news. He forced his face into a semblance of neutrality and waited while Ray fidgeted around the office, setting his nerves on edge. Finally, Ray came over to the desk, looked at him unhappily and rubbed his hand over his face and head, a sure sign he was upset.

“Forensics can’t tell whether the hypo’s infected. They said there just wasn’t enough residue to run an accurate test.”

Ben relaxed a little. “So we just have to wait and see.”

“Yeah.”

“It could have been worse, Ray. And anyway, even if the needle is infected, that doesn’t necessarily mean I will be too.”

“Benny, we’re not gonna know that for two years. How can you be so calm about it?” Ray’s voice rose sharply.

“Ray, please. This isn’t the place to discuss it.”

Ray glared at him, then softened. He came over and hugged Ben. “I’m sorry, Benny. I was really hoping Forensics could rule it out, you know?”

“I do understand, Ray. I’ll just have to deal with it, somehow.”

“We’ll deal with it, Benny. Together.”

He couldn’t speak for a moment. The sense of isolation he’d had for the last few days receded a little and he returned the hug, burying his face against Ray’s neck.

Ray had been coming to see him every day at the Consulate and had driven him home after work, but today Ben knew he simply couldn’t face him. He called at a time when he knew Ray was unlikely to be available and left a message that he’d be busy after work.

As a precaution, he left early and wandered off in the opposite direction to his normal route, with Dief trotting, uncomplainingly for once, at his heels. They found a park and spent most of the evening roaming around it, not leaving until it was dark.

The lights were on in his apartment. Dief bounded over to Ray, who ignored him completely.

“You wanna tell me where you were, Benny?”

He knew he looked guilty, he never was able to hide it. “We went for a walk. Dief...”

“Don’t blame this on Dief!” Ray’s voice cut across Dief’s indignant whine.

“I was only going to say that Dief needed some exercise. He hasn’t had much lately.”

His lover and his wolf stared at him accusingly.

“All right. I needed some time to myself. Is that so terrible?” The sulky tone to his voice embarrassed him.

“You could have just told me, Benny. I was worried about you.”

“You’re not my nursemaid, for God’s sake! Why should I have to tell you?” Ben clamped his lips down on the other, more hurtful things he wanted to say and turned away from them both.

The silence seemed to drag on for ages, then he heard Ray sigh. “Benny...”

“What!?”

“It’s been nearly two weeks. Have you called the hospital?”

Ben started to feel sick to his stomach. “I’ve got an appointment in two days.”

Arms came around him from behind, lips brushed against the nape of his neck. “What time, love?”

“Eleven thirty.”

“I’ll pick you up at eleven, then.”

Ben turned in Ray’s arms. “You don’t have to...”

“Yes I do! For God’s sake, Benny, I’m not gonna let you do this alone. Do you want me to stay over tomorrow?”

He smiled faintly. “I’d like that.”

Six days, they’d said, before the results would be ready. Six interminable days, but when he saw the plain white envelope sitting on his desk, he still wasn’t prepared for it. It sat there all morning, while Ben busied himself with other work and tried to avoid his colleagues as much as possible. He’d promised to call Ray when it arrived. He would. Just not right now.

There was a token knock on his door and Meg came in. He stood hurriedly.

“Fraser these figures you prepared for me. Are you sure...?” She stopped abruptly as she caught sight of his face.

He hadn’t realised he looked that bad. It wasn’t reassuring to be so transparent.

Meg had noticed the unopened envelope on his desk. “Is that from...?”

“It’s from the clinic. My test results.”

“Don’t you want to open them?”

“It’s...” He stopped and cleared his throat. “The results are almost certainly negative, at this early stage.”

That didn’t make it any easier, though. The thought of opening the envelope was making him feel physically sick.

He cleared his throat again. “You wanted something, sir?”

“Oh! I just... ah... it’s nothing... I’ve got something urgent to see to. I’ll get back to you later.”

He nodded and sat, forgetting her as soon as she left the room. He had no idea how much time had elapsed before Ray came bursting in, but he’d achieved nothing in the interim.

Ray headed straight for his desk and scooped up the envelope. “Come on, Benny. Let’s get outta here.”

He followed Ray out of the Consulate without even thinking about the fact that he’d left his station without permission, but once they were in the Riv and driving away, something approaching rationality returned to him.

“Ray, how did you know?”

Ray glanced over at him. “Meg called me. Said you were looking pretty bad and you’d got the results back and hadn’t looked at them. You said you’d call me.”

“I would have, Ray. I just...” He stopped, his voice was shaking as badly as his hands. “Where are we going, Ray?”

“There’s a park I know. On the lakeside. It’s nice and peaceful this time of day.”

Ten minutes later they were there. Ray parked the Riv and they walked over to a picnic table by the shore. When they were both sitting Ray handed him the envelope, but he couldn’t open it. He sat holding it, his mind perfectly blank.

“Benny?”

He met Ray’s concerned look.

“Do you want me to open it for you?”

He frowned. “No... Ray, would you mind...?”

Ray stared at him for a moment then shrugged slightly. He got up and walked a little way down the lake shore, then started to pace up and down. Ben watched him for a while then turned his attention to the envelope in his hands. He flipped it over and read the address, as he had at least a dozen times already today. Finally he opened it and took out the single sheet of paper it contained. Then he just sat.

The light touch on his shoulder startled him. He’d forgotten all about Ray.

“Benny? Are you all right?”

He handed the letter to Ray, who took it and sat beside him. He watched as Ray read the contents and then laid the letter flat on the table with trembling hands. Suddenly Ray dropped his head to the table’s surface. Ben thought he’d fainted for a moment, but then he saw the slender shoulders were shaking. He put his arms around them and held on tightly.

It only lasted for a moment, then Ray was sitting up, wiping away tears from his face, summoning up a shaky smile for him. “Come on, Benny. Let’s go celebrate.”

Celebrating was the last thing on his mind, but he followed Ray back to the Riv. He was still in a daze when they pulled up outside the apartment and Ray led the way up the stairs. As soon as they were inside, Ray grabbed him in a tight embrace and tried to kiss him.

Ben pulled back sharply. “No! Ray don’t, it’s not safe.”

“Oh, come on Benny... I’ve read the same stuff as you have. There’s not much risk in kissing.”

“That’s not the same as no risk. I can’t take that chance.”

Ray exploded. “Damn it Benny, you’re my lover! And now you won’t even kiss me? For how long? A year? Two? Well that may be OK for you, but it ain’t gonna work for me!”

Ben froze, fighting near panic. He waited until he thought he could control his voice. “I’m sorry, Ray. I do understand, though. I can’t expect you to be celibate just because I have to be.”

“What the hell are you saying, Benny?” Ray was staring at him.

“I would have thought that was obvious, Ray. I’m sorry it has to end like this, but it’s probably for the best.” He stopped before his voice could betray him and began to turn away.

Hands grabbed him and shoved him roughly against the wall. “Don’t you ever say that again! Do you think I’d leave you now? What kind of asshole do you think I am?”

He looked into Ray’s face, dark with anger, and couldn’t speak. The green eyes stared into his and softened. “God, Benny, when are you going to stop all that noble shit? If it was the other way round would you leave me?”

“Well...”

“You wouldn’t. Don’t argue. I think you’re crazy, but if you can’t cope with the idea of sex, then that’s the way it’ll be. OK?” Ray pulled him into his arms and held him tightly, pressing a kiss against his cheek.

Ben returned the embrace, still shaking. He could hardly believe the way this had come out of nowhere and got so out of control in just a few minutes. It scared him that his emotions were so near the surface all the time.

Ray’s hands were stroking his back comfortingly. “I guess this means we won’t need the condoms I bought.”

That got through to him and he pulled away. “Ray, you didn’t!”

“Sure I did.” Ray grinned and pulled a pack out of his pocket. “See? I’ll just leave them here... in case you change your mind.”

“Ray, I...”

Ray touched his cheek. “Sh. Don’t worry about it Benny. We’ve got plenty of time, right? Things change... even you. We just can’t let this ruin what we have... Did you get any sleep last night?”

The change of subject threw him. “Why... not much.”

“Neither did I. Want to go to bed?” Ray tossed the condoms on the table and shrugged out of his overcoat.

“Ya know, they’re wondering why you don’t come round to the Precinct anymore. What do you want me to tell them, Benny?”

It was morning and Ray was still with him. He’d slept better last night that he had since this whole thing started. He made a decision he’d been putting off.

“Just say that I’m kept too busy at the Consulate to be able to visit. It’s probably better like that, they’ll soon get used to me not being there.”

Ray didn’t look too happy. “Are you sure Benny? They’re your friends too. I’m sure they won’t turn against you.”

“That’s not the reason.” He didn’t know how to say aloud what he feared. He couldn’t stand the thought of facing their shock, or their pity. “I don’t want to risk... I mean, if anything should happen while I was there... if I got a cut or an injury... it’s bad enough that I have to put the Consulate staff at risk.”

He heard Ray’s irritated sigh. “Benny, there’s no real risk. It’s all in your head.”

“I know the risk isn’t very great, Ray. But it’s not non-existent. I simply choose not to expose anyone unnecessarily.”

Ray pushed up on his elbow and smiled down at him, a mixture of love and exasperation on his face. “OK. Just so long as you don’t decide to do that with me.”

He answered the smile with one of his own. “You don’t need to worry about that, Ray. You’re very necessary to me.”

Four weeks till the next test. It seemed an eternity, but it went by all too fast and it didn’t get any easier the second time around. For either of them. He remembered sitting in the waiting room with Ray holding his hand so tightly his fingers were quite bloodless, but he couldn’t remember the actual test at all.

Then came the six day wait. This time when the letter arrived he opened it straight away.

“Vecchio.”

“It’s me, Ray.”

There was a long pause, then... “Hang on.”

He thought he heard a door shutting. “OK, Benny. What is it?”

“It’s negative.”

This time he was sure he heard a faint gasp. “That’s great, Benny! Oh, God...”

“Ray, please...” He couldn’t bear to hear Ray react like that. “It doesn’t mean anything, you know that.”

“It’s still better than a positive test. What’s the matter with you, Benny?”

“I just... I don’t want to get my hopes up yet, that’s all. We both knew I wasn’t likely to test positive until the three month test. It’s the next two...”

Ray’s voice was soft. “I know, Benny. Can’t you just be happy that this one’s OK?”

In spite of himself, he managed to raise a smile. “I’ll try.”

“Good. I’ll pick you up later... maybe we could go out for dinner?”

Going out to dinner had seemed like a good idea at the time... Ben looked at Ray across the table and could see that he too was remembering the last time they’d done this. Neither of them had any appetite and they’d spent most of the time staring miserably at each other while the food went cold.

Ray sighed. “Let’s go home, Benny.”

He nodded wearily. Once again he hadn’t been sleeping very well and he felt exhausted. Ray didn’t look any better, his skin looked sallow and there were bags under his eyes. They waited while the food was made up into a doggie bag for Dief, outside in the Riv, and paid the check.

The journey back to the apartment was silent, he didn’t even have to remind Ray to signal his turns. He’d always suspected that Ray only did it to annoy him. Now he had the proof and he didn’t care.

The three of them trudged up the stairs, even Dief seemed to have been caught up in the general air of depression. Once inside the apartment Ben moved to the counter to set out the leftover food for Dief with Ray following close behind. He felt Ray’s arms slide around his waist, while lips brushed against the back of his neck, then, as Ray pressed closer, a familiar firmness against his buttocks. A shudder ripped through him and he pulled away sharply.

“Ray, please!”

“What! What did I do? For God’s sake, Benny, what’s the matter with you?”

“You know how I feel...”

“About sex? You bet I do! Can’t I even touch you now? Geez, Benny, stop over-reacting! It was just a cuddle.”

“Was it? It didn’t feel like that to me. It felt like...” He couldn’t even bring himself to say the words and leaned back against the counter, his eyes closing.

Strong hands grabbed his arms and pulled him forward, then transferred their grip to his face as Ray’s mouth descended on his like a raptor attacking its prey. He managed to pull free a moment before their lips actually met, then shoved Ray hard, staggering away himself, needing to put space between them. The sight of Ray’s hurt, angry, baffled face made him hesitate a moment, but the thought of what Ray had just tried to do over-rode any pity he might have felt. Just thinking about kissing Ray like that was enough to make him feel ill.

Ray took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over his face. “Look, Benny...”

Somewhere inside himself he found a cold hardness and clung to it. “No. You look Ray. And listen... If you ever do that again, I swear it’s over between us. I mean it.”

Ray glared at him. “Don’t threaten me, Benny. Not with that. I won’t take it.”

“You don’t have a choice. Do you?” The cold place sheltered him, here he could hide from the pain, could tell himself that he didn’t need Ray, that he’d be better off alone.

“You bastard...” Ray was staring at him wide-eyed with shock at his words.

Ben turned away with a shrug. He was numb inside. After the last few weeks, that was a blessing. He didn’t want to feel anything, far less the emotions that Ray had been making him feel. It was better this way. He waited for the sound of Ray’s footsteps leaving, but he didn’t hear them.

“Benny.”

He didn’t answer.

Footsteps at last, but coming closer, not retreating.

“Talk to me damn you!” A hand, grabbing at his shoulder. He ducked away from Ray’s touch, putting some distance between them.

“Don’t you dare touch me. Get out of here.” His voice rose to a shout.

Dief had been sitting between them watching, and whining his distress as they yelled at each other. Suddenly he lunged forward, just as Ben took a step towards Ray. They collided and Ben went down, banging his head sharply against the edge of the table. He put his hand to his forehead, feeling the stickiness of blood. His stomach seemed to twist inside him.

“Benny? Are you OK?”

He looked up and Ray paled. “Oh, my God. Hang on, I’ll get a cloth.”

“No!” Ben could hear the near panic in his voice. “Just stay away from me. I’ll do it.”

He caught hold of the table and pulled himself to his feet, swaying unsteadily. A hand grabbed his arm and he tried to pull away and almost fell again. It was shock more than anything else, he thought, as Ray’s arm went around him, guiding him to a chair. In a moment Ray was back, with a cloth and the first aid kit he kept in the cupboard.

He was terrified at the thought of Ray being anywhere near him while he was bleeding. It was his worst nightmare come true, and the coldness inside him melted away leaving him shaking. He managed to grab the cloth out of Ray’s hand, saw the blood on his fingers... so close to Ray’s skin. The room started to spin, out of control.

Awareness returned slowly. With it, the sight of Ray bending over him, looking absolutely terrified. “Benny, just stay there... I’ll call an ambulance.”

“No!” His voice was a cracked whisper. “I’m all right. It’s just shock, I’ll be fine in a minute.”

He realised he was lying on the floor and almost at the same moment a blanket dropped over him and was tucked around him. Then Dief came over and lay down against him. He closed his eyes and allowed Ray to tend to the cut on his forehead without a murmur, too drained to protest. Ray settled on his other side, holding him, and he accepted that too. It was a long time before he gathered the strength to open his eyes.

Ray was watching him intently. “Think you can make it to the bed?”

“I think so.”

His head spun dizzily when Ray helped him to stand, but after a moment he was able to walk to the bed and sit while Ray undressed him. He lay back and closed his eyes again with a sigh of relief.

Ray sat on the edge of the bed. “When did you last eat, Benny?”

He wasn’t sure. Not today. Sometime yesterday it must have been. He frowned slightly wondering if lunch counted, considering that he hadn’t kept it down more than ten minutes. Not that he had any intention of telling Ray about that.

He heard Ray swear under his breath. “I shoulda known. Think you can manage some soup?”

“I’ll try.”

It was canned, of course. Chicken soup, well thinned with water by the taste of it, which was just as well because otherwise he could never have kept it down. He drank about half a cup, over the protests of his stomach and then lay back, fighting the urge to retch. Slowly it receded, and he opened his eyes again.

Ray was watching him, his eyes brooding, but he summoned up a smile and began to run his fingers gently through Ben’s hair. “I’m sorry, Benny.”

“No, I’m sorry. You were right, I over-reacted, Ray. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help it. When I think that I could kill you by making love with you...” He swallowed hard. “It’s... obscene.”

The hand stroking his hair faltered, then moved down to cup his cheek. Ray bent and brushed his lips against the other cheek. “All right, Benny. I’ll co-operate. No more pushing.”

Relief flooded him, threatening to wrest away all his self control. He managed a weak smile. “Will you stay with me tonight, Ray?”

“Just try to stop me.”

“Raimondo.”

“Yeah, Ma?”

“Come talk to me, caro.” His mother patted the arm of the couch beside her.

Ray looked at her warily, but complied. It didn’t pay not to. “What is it, Ma? Something wrong?”

“Yes, caro. I think there is.” It didn’t look like she was going to be deflected.

“So what is it?”

“I was hoping you would tell me. There is something wrong, isn’t there? A mother knows these things.”

Ray swallowed a curse, he’d done his best to hide what had been happening. He’d made excuses for Benny not visiting and tried to disguise his own pain. He’d especially tried to conceal how many nights he’d spent at Benny’s in the last few weeks. And all for nothing, it seemed. He’d promised Benny he wouldn’t tell anybody what had happened, but if his mother got on his case about it, he doubted he’d be able to keep that promise.

“Raimondo?”

He looked at her. “I’m just a bit worried about Benny... he hasn’t been too good lately. I’ve been keeping an eye on him.”

“He doesn’t come to visit anymore, caro. Do you know why that is?”

“Well... like I said, he ain’t feeling too good.”

Ma tut-tutted. “Has he seen a doctor, caro?”

Ray shrugged, trying to look casual. “Yeah, but... well, you know how it is... they can’t tell him much.”

“Are they doing tests?”

He should have known she’d ask that, she had a great faith in medical tests. But it struck a nerve, the last blood test was still raw in his memory, and it wouldn’t be long before the next one was due... the first test that was likely to show a positive response... Even thinking about it made him feel sick.

“Caro? What’s the matter?”

She’d have had to be blind not to notice his reaction. Ray cast a stricken look in her direction and fled.

She followed him, of course. Came into his room without even knocking and sat on the bed beside him, putting her arms around him as if he were still a kid. He wasn’t going to cry, he just wasn’t, but it was a hard fought battle and she saw it all.

“Tell me, bambino. Tell me all about it.”

It was the same thing she’d used to say to him when he was a kid, and it was the last straw. He choked back a sob.

“Benny was helping me on a case. He got stuck by a needle, a hypo...” He saw she didn’t understand the significance of it. “It might have been infected with AIDS... we don’t know for sure. We won’t know until a year’s gone past. Or until he tests positive...”

“Dio mio...” Ma crossed herself, looking shocked.

“That’s why he doesn’t want to come here, he’s afraid of passing it on. I keep telling him it’s not that much of a risk, but he won’t listen. He’s shutting out everyone but me, Ma.”

“Il poverino... You must tell him he’s welcome to come here, caro.”

“He won’t come, Ma. If he could, he’d keep me away from him too.”

His mother shook her head sadly. “It is well for him that he has you for a friend, Raimondo.”

He stared down at his clasped hands and his whitened knuckles until his vision blurred. His heart was pounding, but if he didn’t tell her now, he didn’t know when he’d ever be able to... and he needed to tell her.

“He’s more than just a friend, Mama...” he whispered the words, using the name for her that he hadn’t used since childhood.

Her fingers stroked his hair, a touch he would have known anywhere, as he would have known Benny’s touch from a million others. When she didn’t speak, he forced himself to continue.

“Do you know what I’m saying? I love him, Ma. Not like a friend, or a brother. I just love him, and he loves me.”

It hadn’t been as bad as he’d thought it would be, but it still hadn’t been easy for him, or for his mother. Still, she’d made him promise to bring Ben over for a meal. Or at least to ask him. And to tell Ben that she knew, so he’d have no excuse for refusing.

It would be easiest to do it on neutral ground, Ray thought. So next day he left work early and went over to the Consulate. Ben was busy at work filing papers when he went into the office. He went over and put an arm around his waist.

“Hey, Benny. How’s it going?” It sounded false, even to him.

Ben picked it up immediately, his brow wrinkling slightly. “Is something wrong?”

“Nah! Everything’s fine... Ma asked me to invite you over for dinner. She wanted to know why you haven’t been over lately.”

Ben frowned. “What did you tell her?”

Ray took a deep breath. “The truth. And I told her I’d ask you.”

There was a heavy silence. Ben pulled away, his face gone stark white. “I asked you... no, I told you not to tell your family, Ray...”

“I know, but...”

“Why? Why did you do it? Don’t my wishes mean anything to you?” Ben was almost shouting. Ovitz stuck his head around the door, a sheaf of papers in his hand. “Get out.”

Ray realised with relief that Ben was talking to Ovitz not him. “What about what I want Benny? Does that mean anything to you? It’s my family we’re talking about here.”

That seemed to take him aback a little. “How much did you tell her, Ray?”

“About what happened... the needle, the tests, how you didn’t want to come over because you were scared of passing on any infection. I told her there wasn’t much danger of anything like that happening. She wants you to come over. She said, if it makes you feel better, she can put aside some plates and stuff that only you would use.”

“What aren’t you telling me Ray?”

He should have known better that to try to get something past Ben. He took another deep breath. “I told her about us.”

He thought Ben was going to faint for a moment. Then he looked up, his lips a tight line. “Get out.”

There was no Ovitz around this time. Ray didn’t move. “I’m not going, Benny. Not till we’ve talked about this.”

His arm was taken in a painfully tight grasp and he was pulled towards the door. He dug his heels in and refused to move any further.

“Get out, Ray, before I do something I might regret later.”

“You want me to go, you’ll have to knock me down and drag me outta here, Benny, ‘cause otherwise I ain’t leaving.”

Ben looked as though he might do just that for a moment, then he turned away. “All right. Say what you have to and then go.”

He was shaking with reaction. He rubbed his arm where Ben had gripped it and tried to calm himself. “I had to tell her sometime, Benny. I thought it would be better now than later.”

“Why?” Ben’s voice was very quiet.

“You’ve got another test coming up in a couple of weeks. What if it comes back positive?” He waited but Ben said nothing. “Benny, you haven’t got anyone, no family, nothing. Just me. And I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it if the test’s positive.”

“You don’t know how you’re going to handle it? You’re not the one who’s...” The bitterness in Ben’s voice shocked him. He went over and tried to put his arms around his lover, but Ben pulled away.

“Oh, is that what this is about? You’re the only one who’s suffering here? Whatever happens to you affects me too. Don’t shut me out, Benny... please.”

He saw Ben flinch, but again he made no response.

“Look, Benny, I’m just saying I need someone to help me out. And Ma’s the strongest person I know. I wanna be there for you, and I’m so scared of failing you when you need me most. Can’t you understand that?” He looked straight at Ben, his eyes pleading unashamedly, but Ben avoided his gaze. “Do you still want me to go?”

“Yes.”

He hesitated, started towards the door, stopped again. “I do love you. You know that, don’t you?”

Ben nodded, a brief, sharp movement of the head.

“I’ll tell Ma you’ll come over on Friday, OK?” He held his breath, but Ben nodded again. He couldn’t just leave like this. He went over and put his arms around Ben again. This time Ben didn’t move away, but he didn’t respond either. Ray kissed the dark hair. “I’ll come pick you up on Friday, love. It’ll be all right, I’ll tell them all to behave.”

Ben didn’t smile. He went out, wondering how the hell he was going to stay away for three whole days.

“So, am I forgiven yet, Benny?” He’d tried to make it light, but it came out sounding pitiful.

Ben was looking tired. He forced a smile. It was even more pitiful. “Forgive you, Ray? I’m the one who should be asking that.” His voice wavered.

A moment later they were in each others arms, holding tightly. Ray began to kiss him, pressing against the softness of his lips, his tongue sliding over them, trying to part them. Ben drew back.

“No, Ray.” But his voice was gentle, the longing plain.

“Benny...” It was a plea. But a moment later Ray had drawn away. The last thing he wanted was another fight. “Guess we’d better get going, huh?”

“Ray, how does your mother feel about... about us?” Ben was looking at him seriously.

He hesitated, searching for the right words. “Well, she’s not exactly happy, especially after she realised we’d been together for a while and I hadn’t told her sooner. But she likes you, you know that. She was pretty upset about the HIV thing, for your sake. And she’s probably worried about... well, you know. I told her we’ve been careful...” he caught Ben’s alarmed look. “No details, Benny. Just that she doesn’t have to worry. But she probably will.”

Dief had been standing significantly by the door, now he gave an impatient little whuff.

Ray grinned. “You told him where we were going, didn’t you? We’d better get moving, we can talk on the way.”

But they didn’t talk much. When the Riv stopped in front of the house Ray looked over at Ben. He was biting his bottom lip. “Nervous?”

Ben nodded. Ray leaned over and kissed him. “It’ll be OK. They’ve promised to be on their best behaviour.”

Ben looked at him sharply. “Have you told all of them, Ray?”

Uh oh... he’d meant to tell him and had forgotten. Ben read it in his face. He bit his lip again.

“Want to call it off, Benny?”

Ben took a deep breath and visibly steeled himself. “No. I’ve got to do it sometime, I suppose.”

As they walked up the path Ray slipped his hand into Ben’s and squeezed it gently. He was still holding it when Ma opened the door. He saw her notice it and then she was bustling around and ushering them both into the lounge. Dief followed her into the kitchen, where he knew there would be a plateful of titbits waiting for him.

The familiar uproar was missing. Even the kids were quiet and well behaved... it felt really strange. Only Ma was behaving close to normal, and Frannie was.. well, pretty weird... trying to pretend that she’d never come on to Ben in her life, or even considered it.

He watched Ben taking it all in and withdrawing into himself, responding briefly to Maria’s attempts to talk to him and then lapsing into silence. Luckily dinner was almost ready. Ben volunteered as usual to set the table, while Ray hovered around him anxiously.

Dinner was even worse. None of them spoke much and when they did it was with an uncomfortable politeness that set Ray’s teeth on edge. Ben was hardly eating a thing and Ma didn’t even say anything about it. Suddenly, Ben put down his fork and excused himself hurriedly. Everyone stared at him as he left the room. Ray went after him and found him in the kitchen leaning against the counter.

“Benny? Are you OK, love?” For a moment Ray thought he’d been sick, he was so pale. He put an arm around his shoulders, feeling him shaking.

“I can’t do this, Ray. I’m sorry...”

“No, it’s my fault, Benny. I shouldn’t have tried to push you into this. I’ll take you home in a minute.”

He pulled Ben into his arms and held him tight until the tremors eased. When Ben relaxed against him, Ray drew back enough to see his face. Haunted eyes stared back at him. He kissed Ben full on the mouth, sliding his tongue inside, not allowing Ben to pull back. It was heaven to taste Ben’s mouth again after all this time, more intoxicating than any wine he’d ever had, and he prolonged the kiss until he could hardly breathe.

They separated at last to see his mother standing in the doorway looking uncomfortable. Too late now to worry about being caught out, so Ray just loosened his hold on Ben a little without releasing him.

“Ma, Benny’s not feeling too good, so I’m gonna take him home.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Benton. Would you like to lie down for a while?”

Ben shifted slightly within his arms. “No, thank you kindly, Mrs Vecchio. I’ll be fine.”

She came closer and touched his cheek. “You look so pale. And I’m sure you’ve lost weight. Are you eating properly, caro? Raimondo, are you looking after him?”

Caro? Ben blinked and Ray grinned broadly. “Welcome to the family, Benny. Ma, can you tell everybody to stop acting so weird?”

Ma smiled complacently. “Of course, caro. After all, Benton is not a guest anymore, no?”

When they were alone again, Ray stole another long kiss. “Think you can face them now, Benny?”

Ben still looked slightly stunned. “I think so... Ray, did that mean...?”

“Sure did.” He grinned again and led Ben by the hand into the small riot that was developing in the dining room.

Ray straightened and stretched and palmed the ball, ready for the last round. He was five points ahead and he knew he’d finish it this time. Ben was really off his game today, normally the score would be much closer. In fact, he was so far off his game that it was starting to worry Ray, but he was doing his best to ignore it. Too often lately he’d caught himself watching Ben, looking for signs that something was wrong, and he’d seen Ben noticing it. Neither of them was ready to discuss it though, not when there was only three days to go till the next blood test, especially not then... things were always tense for days before the test, and days after the results came back.

“OK, Benny. Last chance. I’m taking you down.” He grinned a challenge at the sweating Mountie. Damn, but he looked good like that!

He bounced the ball a few times... Left hand. Right hand. Back to the left, and then made his move while Ben was still expecting him to pass back to his right hand. He swerved around to the left, then ducked back to the right. Ben, catching on too late, stumbled and crashed into him and they both fell. He was really off today. More than off. Ray realised that Ben wasn’t making any move to get off him, and that he was shaking uncontrollably.

“Benny! You OK?” Ray wriggled out from under him and pulled the heavy body over and up against his chest. Ben leaned against him, still shaking, breathing way too fast. “Benny!”

Blue eyes lifted to his, the pupils dilated, the pale face taut. It took a moment for Ray to realise what was wrong, but a glance down at the shaking body confirmed his guess. “Come on, Benny. I’d better get you home.”

Ben was no help at all, Ray had to literally drag him to his feet and guide him to the Riv. He bundled him into the passenger seat and took off. Ben sat in silence, his face more closed in than Ray had ever seen it.

“Don’t worry, love, we’ll be there soon.” He reached over and put a hand lightly on one trembling thigh and Ben flinched as if he’d been struck. It wasn’t really so surprising that this had happened, it was only a wonder it had taken so long. Weeks of stress and denial, and now it was more that Ben could handle. And just knowing what was happening had got him into a state only barely more manageable than Ben’s.

“Ray...” Ben’s voice was hardly recognisable.

He glanced across and saw the agonised look. “Want me to find somewhere, Benny?”

A quick, shamefaced nod. “Please...”

God, where could they go? Then he had an idea. He took a sharp left, ignoring blaring horns, then left again, backtracking. He knew where there was an abandoned warehouse, large enough and with enough cover to hide the Riv. Not ideal, but a lot closer than the apartment.

Luckily the burnt out doors hadn’t been replaced. He gunned the engine and burst through into the dark space, careless of any damage he might be inflicting on the Riv. They’d need to get further inside... he drove over God only knew what on the uneven floor and pulled to a halt behind a stack of old oil drums. There was enough light to see, courtesy of a fanlight set in the roof. He killed the engine.

The only sound now was their breathing, harsh and rapid. He turned towards Ben, touching his shoulder, feeling him startle. Then Ben was turning to him, falling across his body, hands tearing at his clothing. He’d thought Ben would want his own needs seen to first, this took him by surprise, but he co-operated, shoving his sweatpants and briefs down to his knees while Ben pushed up his T-shirt. The hot mouth engulfed him with no finesse, no tenderness at all, sending piercing shafts of hunger through his body as he thrust urgently into its depths. Ben’s lips clamped tightly around him and Ray, already near the edge, lost it completely.

Ben’s dark head was still, his body shaking, as he sobbed for breath. It looked like he was incapable of doing anything to help himself. Ray stroked his soft hair briefly then reached for the sweatpants, sliding his hand underneath the cloth. Ben’s whole body jerked at his touch then settled enough to allow him to push the clothing down. Ben drew up his knees and turned onto his back, his head still lying in Ray’s lap, his eyes tightly closed.

This wasn’t the way he wanted it to be, but there was no real choice right now. He looked down the pale body at the flushed cock rising full and needy from the dark curls. When he touched it gently, he felt it leap upwards. Slowly, lovingly, he stroked the hard flesh and Ben shuddered and then settled into an urgent thrusting rhythm against his hand. Ray glanced down and saw Ben staring up at him, blindly at first, and then with recognition. Suddenly Ben closed his eyes, turning his head away, but Ray put his free hand down to prevent him.

“It’s all right, love. I want to do this for you.” Ray continued his stroking, holding Ben’s eyes with his own. A moment later they widened suddenly, the pupils dilating still further. He felt Ben push up against his hand and then freeze, his back arching as he came. Only the faintest sound escaped from between Ben’s clenched teeth and after a moment his body shuddered and relaxed. He closed his eyes with a quiet sigh.

Ray continued to stroke Ben’s cheek lightly, waiting for him to recover. He’d gone along with what Ben had wanted all these weeks, and this was the result. He wasn’t ashamed of what they’d just done, but he knew exactly how it would look if anyone ever found out. It was time, he decided, to put an end to this situation. When they got back to the apartment, whether Ben liked it or not, they were going to talk.

Ben’s eyes were open again. Ray pulled him up and held him close, his mouth descended over the parted lips giving Ben no chance to protest or turn away. When they parted, he reached across to the glove compartment and pulled out the box of tissues he kept stored there. He cleaned Ben up and helped him to pull his clothing up, then adjusted his own.

“Come on, Benny, let’s go home.”

He was still burning with shame when they got back to his apartment building. Even though Ray had made it clear he wasn’t offended by what had happened, Ben could hardly stand to look at him.

But by the time they got through the apartment door it had become painfully obvious that it wasn’t only shame that was making him burn. Ray saw it at once and simply pulled him over to the bed and began taking off his clothes for him. He didn’t argue, he wanted Ray with a desperation that frightened him. They practically fell on the bed, dragging off their remaining clothes and he began to kiss Ray’s face and throat urgently, his hands moving over the slender body.

Ray was no less eager and Ben began to fear what they might do in their frantic haste. He moved down Ray’s body, kissing and licking at his skin, until he reached the dark cock, taut and trembling with a need to match his own. With a soft moan he took it in his mouth and sucked hard, wanting to end this before he lost all control. Once again, Ray came quickly, as the weeks of self control were stripped away, and almost immediately he joined his lover.

They lay tangled together sweating and gasping while his racing heart gradually slowed to near normal speed. Ray turned his head to look at him, a look so full of love it took his breath away. This time he initiated the kiss. When he drew back, Ray was smiling.

“Oh, Benny... God, why did we wait so long?”

It was a reminder he didn’t need right now, but Ray didn’t seem to notice his hesitation. He didn’t have the will to resist when Ray began to cover his chest with lingering kisses while his hands explored lower and lower. It felt like only moments since he’d climaxed, but at the touch of Ray’s hands on his cock it was hard and aching again. The firm stroking was so wonderful... he drifted in a haze of exhaustion and arousal, hardly noticing when Ray’s lips began to move down his body.

He came to with a start, though, when he felt warm breath touching his cock. Before he’d even had time to think about it he’d pushed Ray away from him and sat up.

“Ray, what on earth do you think you’re doing?” The words came out more harshly than he’d intended, fuelled by shock and fear.

Ray was bent over his raised knees taking deep shuddering breaths. He turned his head enough to meet Ben’s eyes. “I just wanted... wanted you... to taste you again, Benny.”

“Are you crazy?” He could hardly believe what he’d heard. He flung himself off the bed and over to the other side of the room. “If I’m infected it could be a death sentence for you.”

“If you’re infected then you’re gonna die. And if you’re gonna die, I don’t care what happens to me.” Ray’s voice was flat.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You don’t mean that.”

Ray just looked at him.

“Ray, I’ve tried so hard to protect you. If I infected you, I’d never be able to forgive myself. Don’t you have any idea what that would be like for me?”

“I know exactly what it would be like, Benny. What do you think I’ve been living with for the last three months?”

“It wasn’t your fault!”

“Sure.” Ray let his head drop onto his knees.

Ben started to shake. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Well, that’s OK, Benny, ‘cause I don’t know how you feel ‘bout it either. Every time I try to talk to you, you run a mile.” There was still no inflection in Ray’s voice. He sounded completely defeated.

Ben turned away to look out the window, unable to face what was happening to his lover. Ray was the last person he would have expected to act like this. Ray was always so passionate and he always had something to say about everything. He felt a totally unreasonable surge of resentment towards him for acting so uncharacteristically.

“What do you want me to do, Ray? There’s nothing either of us can do about it, so what’s the point in talking? What would it achieve?”

His anger at Ray was eating at him... he’d heard about this kind of reaction, but he’d never thought he’d feel that way. It wasn’t Ray’s fault, none of it was, but he couldn’t stop himself from resenting the fact that Ray was safe, free from the danger of infection. Unless they did what Ray wanted. He could almost hate Ray for tempting him that way. He could hear it all in his voice and he knew Ray must be able to hear it too. He couldn’t bear to let Ray see it in his face.

“What do you want me to say? Would it make you feel better if I said I was afraid? Well, I am. I’m so afraid I can’t sleep nights, can’t keep food down sometimes...” He stopped, shrugged. “Oh, I’m not afraid of dying. If I was, I wouldn’t be doing the work I do. But dying like that... I know how AIDS patients die. I know the way they get... sick, weak, dependent... The thought of that happening to me terrifies me. I don’t want to die like that.”

There was no sound from behind him. Perversely, it only made him angrier. “Is that what you wanted to hear, Ray? Are you satisfied now?”

He turned back into the room. Ray was sitting in the middle of the bed, staring at him. His face was white with shock, his eyes bright with unshed tears. It destroyed all his anger in an instant and he hurried over to the bed.

“I’m sorry, Ray... I’m so sorry...”

Ray pulled him down onto the bed, arms going around him tightly. He hesitated a moment longer, then pressed into the embrace, turning his face into the shelter of the bony shoulder. He hadn’t wept like this since... he couldn’t remember. Perhaps he never had. Ray simply tightened his arms even further and dragged him across his lap, cradling him.

It seemed to go on forever. Painful, racking sobs, that felt like they were being ripped out of him, bringing no comfort except, finally, exhaustion. Then he lay against Ray’s chest, too numbed to move. Gradually he became aware of Ray’s voice, soft and comforting, though he couldn’t make out the words. And a hand stroking his hair gently. He moved slightly, trying to gather his wits and his body back under his control.

“Benny?”

“Oh, Ray...” He choked and couldn’t continue.

“Benny, that’s not going to happen to you. I won’t let it happen, Benny. I promise.”

It took a moment for him to realise what Ray was referring to. And a moment longer to understand what he meant. He pulled away, shocked.

“Ray, you can’t. It’s still a crime to assist a suicide. I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t ask. I offered. What’s the point of loving you if I can’t protect you from the thing you’re most afraid of? You’d do the same for me... don’t deny it.”

He couldn’t deny it. Ray smiled at him and drew him down to lie in his arms.

They slept for a while, exhausted by their emotions. When Ben woke, he saw that Ray was watching him... quiet, sombre... so unlike his normal behaviour. He realised how much the last three months had changed both of them. He reached over to touch Ray’s face and Ray smiled at him sadly. It scared him... for an awful moment he wondered if Ray was going to say he couldn’t take any more. But then he remembered the promise Ray had made him only a few hours before. He leaned over and kissed Ray gently on the lips.

“Benny, we can’t go on like this...” Ray paused, saw the reaction in his face. “I’m not gonna leave you, Benny. I’m not. But we gotta stop acting crazy, love. It’s not doing either of us any good. And if you... if your test’s positive this time, we’re gonna need all our energy to fight this thing.”

It made sense. “What are you suggesting, Ray?”

“Well, this whole thing with you and sex, for a start... No. Don’t say anything, just hear me out.”

He shifted uneasily, but nodded. “All right.”

“Look at where it’s got us. We’re both a mess, and there’s no need for it Benny. I know there some risk, but hell, I take a bigger risk every time I go to work, for God’s sake! We both know what to do to keep safe. We oughta be doing it, not acting like we’re monks. What happened today can’t happen again, Benny... next time we might do something really stupid.”

He could hardly argue with that. Not now. They’d already come too close this time. “All right. But we have to be careful, Ray. You have to promise.”

“I swear it. Word of an Italian.” Ray smiled faintly. “And you have to promise to take better care of yourself. You look awful.”

“I’ll try, Ray.”

“You have to do better than just try, love. Ma’s right. You’re not eating properly. Or enough... you’ve lost a lot of weight.” Ray looked him up and down critically. “Have you eaten today?”

He shook his head. Ray rolled off the bed and headed for the kitchen. He investigated the cupboards.

“God, Benny. There’s nothing here! When did you last go to the supermarket?”

“I don’t remember, Ray.” He was starting to feel a little embarrassed. Ray was right, he hadn’t been looking after himself properly.

“OK. How about some pancakes? My treat?”

Unexpectedly, he felt a surge of hunger. “Yes. I’d like that.”

The pancakes had been delicious and Ben felt better than he had in weeks. He turned as they came into the apartment and put his arms around Ray, hugging him tightly. They kissed slowly and then Ben pressed his face into Ray’s neck, smiling.

“Remember our anniversary?”

Teeth nibbled delicately at his earlobe. “Oh yeah... wanna dance, beautiful?”

“I’d love to dance with you, Ray.” They swayed together, not seeming to move, but suddenly they were beside the bed. Ray gave a gentle shove.

Horizontal now, they continued to move against each other as though they were still dancing. They kissed slowly, hands drifting lazily until Ray rolled Ben onto his back and lifted his head.

“Benny, I want you to make love to me.”

Ben reached up and stroked his face. “I want to make love to you, Ray.”

But Ray was shaking his head slightly. “I wanna be clear about this, Benny. I want you to fuck me. I want you to be inside me.”

It shocked him, not only because of his fears, but because of the way his body reacted to Ray’s words. He swallowed and nodded wordlessly. Ray’s face softened and he lowered his head to kiss Ben’s lips.

“It’ll be OK, love. You’ll see.”

For the first time in months, he took the initiative, deepening the kiss, exploring Ray’s mouth thoroughly. He moved his hands down over Ray’s body, feeling the lean hardness and prominent bones through the loose clothing. He wasn’t the only one to have lost weight, he thought. His hands were trembling uncontrollably, but he slid them inside Ray’s sweatpants, brushing against the warm skin beneath.

Ray moaned helplessly into his mouth, his body already moving in an urgent rhythm. Infecting him with the same need. He pushed the sweats and underwear down together and rolled Ray onto his back, sliding on top of him. Ray’s mouth was hot on his neck as he stroked his hips and thighs, not daring to touch the rampant erection thrusting up against his jeans. Even so Ray cried out and pushed against him.

“Wait, love. Just a minute.” It was just a shaky whisper. He got off the bed and went into his tiny bathroom, where he’d hidden the condoms and lube that Ray had bought weeks before.

He’d never used one before, though in theory he knew what to do. Still, he was relieved when Ray took them out of his hands with a little grin.

“C’m’ere, Benny.”

Ben lay on the bed beside Ray and watched as he extracted a foil packet from the box before tossing it to one side. Well within reach, he noticed. Then Ray reached for his jeans and all other thoughts fled. Ray’s hands were shaking so much they made even as simple an act as unzipping a pair of jeans a major exercise, but finally it was done. The shorts were easier. Then he just pushed them down to Ben’s knees.

“Oh, Benny... you’re so beautiful.” Ray’s voice was tearful.

He drew Ray against him, pressing the whole length of their bodies together for a heart-stopping moment. The bare skin from his hips to his knees seemed to tingle and burn, then he pulled back.

Ray still had the condom in his hand. He managed to open the wrapper and take it out. It seemed to Ben too fragile a thing to place such dependence on and he had to clamp his lips together to hold back a protest. Another moment and it was too late, as a hand touched his cock, gingerly at first, and then with a firm caress stole all his power of speech away.

The condom slid on easily and Ray rolled it down his shaft with gentle care. It was a slightly unpleasant sensation to be covered like that, but that was swiftly forgotten as the touch on his cock roused him to fever pitch. He rolled on top of Ray’s body, unable to bear any further delay and began to thrust against his belly.

“Hey, Benny. Take it easy... we’re gonna need that lube.”

He’d almost forgotten that. With an effort he lifted himself enough so that Ray could get a hand in between their bodies. The coolness of the gel made him gasp. That, and the slick sensation of Ray’s hand, stroking him. He stole a little of the gel from Ray’s fingers and used it to prepare his lover. They were both desperate now, and he plunged himself suddenly between Ray’s thighs, finding the opening more by instinct than any rational thought.

Joined at last, he managed to find a clear space in his reeling mind. Enough to hold himself still until the urge to come immediately had lessened a little. He wasn’t going to last long, he knew, but neither was Ray he suspected. Beneath him, Ray was wide-eyed and beautiful... he looked terrifying vulnerable. Ben buried his face against Ray’s throat and began to move slowly.

Too slowly for Ray’s liking... those long fingers slid down over his back, burning when they reached bare skin, and clutched at his buttocks hard enough to bruise. With Ray’s hands driving him on like that, there was no hope of prolonging their lovemaking. He shuddered and thrust urgently into Ray’s heat, feeling Ray’s equally powerful response. Even so, the climax took him by surprise, the force of it seemed to separate him from his own body as Ray bucked wildly beneath him.

He lay limp and breathless across Ray’s body, shaken to the depths of his mind and body by what had happened. When he felt capable of moving again, he managed to wrap his arms around Ray and murmur a few disjointed endearments, but Ray didn’t seem to be in any better condition than he was. Gradually he became aware that his cock was slowly relaxing inside Ray’s body. For safety’s sake he would have to move.

He knew enough to hold the top of the condom against himself as he withdrew carefully. To his relief, it seemed to be OK. He removed it and cast an anxious look, but saw no sign of any leak, then caught a glimpse of Ray’s amused face.

“Hey, Benny... tie a knot in the top, OK?”

He did as he was told then lowered it carefully into the wastebasket.

Ray chuckled. “It’s not gonna explode, love.”

“I’ll get a cloth.” He rolled over to sit on the edge of the bed and slid his T-shirt and jeans off, then headed for the bathroom. Reaction didn’t hit him till he was standing by the washbasin reaching for the cloth. His legs started to shake and he sobbed once, wrapping his arms around his chest and sliding down the wall to sit in a huddle on the floor. He had no idea how long it was before Ray came after him... probably not long, but it seemed like an eternity.

“Benny? Benny, what’s wrong, love?” Suddenly Ray was on the floor beside him, holding him gently, rocking him as though he was a child. “Tell me baby...”

He shivered at the tenderness in Ray’s voice and raised his face to look at him. “I just... oh, Ray. I love you so much... more now than ever.”

Ray’s face broke into a sweet smile. “And for this you cry?”

He nodded sheepishly, but Ray’s lashes were wet too. They kissed and then, without letting go of him, Ray reached up to snatch the washcloth. He wiped Ben down gently and very thoroughly. Then himself.

“You feeling better now, love? ‘Coz I think we should go back to bed. And this time it’s my turn.”

Ray grinned at him, and there was something fierce in that grin. And in his eyes. Something fierce and powerful and very possessive.

Ben watched as his blood swirled into the collection tube then had to turn away, fighting his nausea. He’d never had a problem with needles before, now he could hardly bear to be in the same room with one. Ray’s grip on his hand, already painful, tightened still further. Luckily it was soon over and the nurse was pressing a small wad of cotton against the tiny puncture wound. He rescued numb fingers from Ray’s grasp to hold the cotton in place, and Ray’s arm slid around his waist.

A few minutes later the nurse was back to place a small dressing over the mark and he was free to go. Ray stood as he did and pulled him around into a firm embrace. Soft lips brushed against his cheek.

“C’mon, Benny. Let’s go home and make love.”

As they walked out of the clinic, Ray’s arm was still around his waist.

Ben’s head was heavy against his shoulder, his body pressed close to Ray’s, held in the curve of his arm. He was breathing in shallow, even breaths, fast asleep. Ray glanced at the window, where the light was just beginning to fade. Three days ago Ben had got another negative test result, and they were only just starting to feel normal again. Nearly two weeks of hell. And this time Ray had been through all of it with him.

He’d spent every night of the last two weeks here with Ben. Every spare moment they’d had, they’d been together. The last two times, he’d thought he’d known what Ben was going through during the days of waiting for the test results, but he’d been wrong. He’d had no idea at all.

It was typical of Ben, that he’d try to spare his lover as much as possible. Typical, and damn annoying. The only consolation Ray had was that this time, he’d been there to share the sleepless nights, had been there to make Ben eat, when he would have simply forgotten, or not been able to force himself to eat. And Ben was looking better for it, he’d regained some of the weight he’d shed, had a little more colour in his face, though he was still too pale. Ma’s lasagne had worked miracles.

He stifled a sigh, fearful that even that small sound would wake Ben, and turned his head just enough to kiss first the dark hair, then the pale brow beneath. There’d been times when he’d just wanted to get up and walk out, when it had seemed too much for him to deal with, and he’d had to fight the urge to run as fast and as far as he could. The only thing that had stopped him had been the knowledge that for Ben there was no escape.

What would happen if, one day, that knowledge was not enough? That question had begun to haunt him.

Sunday afternoon, a golden Sunday afternoon, and not a cloud on the horizon. Literally or figuratively... one more test safely past and the next one too far away to worry about too much. They’d spent most of the day in bed and now they were lazily discussing whether to go for a stroll in the park with Dief or take in a movie. Not that Ray really cared, he was happy enough only to be with Ben, but there was a principle involved here... if he didn't take a stand, the Mountie would walk all over him... very politely, of course. It was just that he was so hard to resist, and the trouble was that Ray didn't really want to resist him.

At the rate they were going, it was more than likely that they wouldn't go to either the park or the movie, they'd end up staying here, and that would have suited Ray just as well as the other two options. He yawned suddenly.

"How about we take a nap instead?" He managed to leer suggestively and Ben grinned.

"Ray, we only got out of bed two hours ago. And Dief really does need the exercise. It wouldn't do you any harm either." This last was muttered under his breath.

Ray sat up suddenly. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

His glare was met with an innocent look. "Only that I noticed you're developing a slight paunch, Ray. Just a hint of one... and it's quite attractive, actually."

Ray levered himself out of the armchair, muttering under his breath, and wandered over to where Ben was leaning against the window frame. He put his arms around his lover's neck and leaned into him. "You win. We'll go for a walk. Where do you want to go?"

"Well, we could go to Burnside Park..."

"And risk running into a bunch of geriatric wardens? You gotta be joking." Ray's objection was backed up by a whine from Dief. "You tell him, boy. Anywhere else, Benny?"

Ben started running down a list of parks, and Ray amused himself by finding an objection to every one of them. There was a frustrated pause.

"Ray, if you're going to..." A knock at the door interrupted Ben. He sighed. "I'll be right back."

Ray didn't see who it was at the door, and he didn't really care. He'd be far happier if most of Ben's neighbours would find someone else to run around after them. But, when Ben hadn't returned after a few minutes, he went over to find out what was going on. Nearing the door, he heard the sullen rumble of an angry crowd and quickened his pace.

Ben was standing just outside, facing a large and rather motley looking group, some of whom Ray recognised, but many were complete strangers.

"Benny, what's going on here?"

Ben turned towards him, his face perfectly blank, but it wasn't hard for Ray to see that he was very upset. "It seems that one of the tenants here knows somebody who works at the hospital. This person told him that I've been having blood tests for HIV. I've been trying to explain that there's no risk of my passing on any infection... but I'm afraid they don't believe me."

Ray swore softly under his breath, he should have known that it would leak out sooner or later. He looked around the faces in the hallway, seeing fear, anger, even hatred. He pushed out past Ben and stood slightly in front of him.

"OK. First of all, he hasn't got AIDS or HIV. All the blood tests have been negative..."

"Well, my cousin says that the first tests are always negative, it doesn't mean he hasn't got it."

He'd never seen the man before and was glad for Ben's sake that it wasn't anybody he'd befriended. There was a chorus of agreement from behind him. Ray took a deep breath, and picked out a familiar face. He held the woman's eyes as he spoke.

"That's right, and Frasier's having more blood tests, but until we know there's no point in getting paranoid. Anyway you can't get AIDS off someone just because they live in the same building. You'd be better off worrying about getting shot by a mugger, in this neighbourhood."

"It's OK for you. You don't have to share a bathroom with him."

Ray lost his temper. "You're right, I don't have to. But you know what? I eat with him, work with him and I ain't worried at all. Hell, I even sleep with him. So what've you got to worry about? Look."

And before anyone, let alone Ben, had any idea what he was going to do he took Ben's face between his hands and planted an open-mouthed kiss on his lips, holding it until he could hardly stand for lack of air. The murmurs of disgust, he ignored completely. When they parted, he stared around the group, daring them to say a word. Several people avoided his eyes.

"If it wasn't for Benny, none of you would even be living here. You remember that? Or all the other times he's helped you? Maybe you should just go away and think about that, before I start arresting people."

He waited until the last of them had gone, not trusting any of them, and not wanting to see the pain in Ben's eyes. Then he turned and caught Ben's arm, drawing him back inside the apartment and shutting the door behind them. He leaned against it and ran a shaking hand over his face.

When he looked up, Ben was standing by the window, facing away from him. Ray went over and put his arms around him, holding him speechlessly.

The silence in the apartment was like a weight on Ben's shoulders and at first only Ray's support made it possible for him to remain standing. Eventually he managed to pull himself together and move away as far as the armchair. Ray came over and perched beside him on the arm. Even Dief had come over and laid his muzzle on Ben's knee, and he stroked the pale head absently.

Ray bent and kissed him on his hair, then moved away, over to the closet. "You better come and stay at my place tonight, Benny. I'll get some things together."

The calm assumption shocked him. "I'm sure that's not necessary, Ray. Nobody here would try to hurt me."

Ray turned, Ben's smaller backpack in one hand, a T-shirt in the other. "They already have hurt you, Benny. Why should they stop at that? I don't want you staying here tonight."

Ben stood and went over to Ray. "I really don't think they'd do anything violent, Ray."

"You don't know these kind of people, Benny. They're like animals, they hunt in packs. And they'll do things in packs that they wouldn't do on their own. Can you please just trust me on this?"

Ben looked at Ray, seeing that his hands were shaking slightly. "You're really worried about this, aren't you?"

"I'm scared stiff, Benny. If I thought it would help, I'd say stay here, but the two of us won't be enough if even half of them come back tonight."

It went against the grain for him to run away, but he couldn't ignore Ray's advice. He took the pack from his hands. "All right. Just for tonight."

The drive over to the Vecchio house was rather tense. Ben was already regretting his decision and Ray seemed to have sensed that and had flatly refused to discuss it any further. Dief had made it clear he was on Ray's side on this issue.

They were only a few blocks from the house when Ben finally admitted to himself that he was more worried about what would happen at the Vecchio house than at his apartment. "Ray, stop the car."

Ray ignored him.

"Ray, please."

Ray looked over at him. "What is it, Benny? I'm not taking you back there."

"I just want to talk to you." He waited until Ray had pulled over, leaving the engine running. "Ray, what are your family going to think about this? How are they going to feel about me staying overnight?"

"Who cares? It's my house."

"I care, Ray. I don't want..." He couldn't continue. Suddenly this, on top of everything that had happened, was more than he could deal with. Ray leaned over and pulled him into his arms.

"Look, Benny... It'll be OK. You shouldn't worry about that. If anything you should worry about stopping Ma and Frannie from going over and beating the lot of them up."

Ben couldn't help laughing. He kissed Ray and slid back into his own seat. "All right. If you're sure."

"I'm sure." Ray put the Riv into gear. "They've all been pretty good about it, Benny. I thought there'd be more trouble, especially from Frannie, but she hasn't given me any grief about it."

Still, walking up the pathway reminded of Ben of the time only a few weeks ago that he'd come here after the family had found out about him and Ray. He'd come back a few times since then and received a warm welcome from his adopted family, but he still felt nervous.

Two hours later, Ben was wondering why. They’d been welcomed with open arms and, when Ray had explained what had happened there had been indignant exclamations. For a moment he’d thought Ray was right and they’d have to stop his mother from going over to the apartment building to give the tenants a piece of her mind. The moment passed and then Mrs Vecchio was fussing around them. Ray managed to rescue him long enough to take him upstairs and give him the chance to unpack.

When he came downstairs, Mrs Vecchio was in the kitchen, cooking. The rest of the family was in the lounge watching TV. He wasn’t ready to face either of those scenarios, so he went out into the backyard with Dief. A little later Ray came and joined him.

Two strong slender arms crept around his waist and a chin came to rest on his shoulder. “Feeling better now, Benny?”

He turned into those arms and smiled. A kiss was all the answer he needed to give.

“Hey, Benny... I had a talk with Ma. She’s OK about us being here together... you know?”

He could feel himself blushing. “Ray, you didn’t!”

“Course I did, Benny. I wanted to make sure you felt comfortable about it. And you wouldn’t if you thought Ma might get upset. So I asked her.” Ray was grinning at him, but his eyes were sending an altogether different message.

“What did she say?”

Ray laughed. “She said ‘You’re a grown man, caro. You don’t need your mama’s permission to ‘fare amore’ with Benton.’ And then she asked me if you like puttanesca. Do you?”

“Um...”

“I told her you did. And she told me to come get you ‘cause it’s ready. ” Ray took his hand and led him back inside.

The meal was the normal free-for-all, and Ben allowed himself to fade into the background as usual. He noticed Ray watching him unobtrusively, fielding a few of the more outrageous comments thrown his way, and generally being protective. It amused him a little that Ray was like that with him, but it warmed him too.

It was strange, later, to be sitting on the floor beside Dief (because there wasn't enough room on the couch) watching TV with the Vecchio clan and leaning back against Ray's legs while a hand gently stroked his hair... only a few weeks before, it would have been inconceivable, Ben thought.

For one thing, he would never have been allowed to sit on the floor. Guests got the spare armchair. Family, it seemed, got whatever they could grab before the others got it... it was beginning to look like he'd be sitting on the floor quite a lot in future. Why that should make him feel warm inside was beyond his understanding. He wasn't used to this feeling of belonging, but he definitely liked it.

The long fingers stroking his hair shifted to the back of his neck and Ben suppressed a shiver of pure pleasure. Even after Ray had told his family about them, they'd been cautious about any displays of affection between them, but obviously Ray no longer felt that was necessary. He tipped his head back to smile up at Ray and was stunned by the look on his lover's face... his smile faltered.

Ray's eyelids drooped for a moment and when his eyes opened again, his face was calm, smiling. His hand moved to Ben's cheek for a moment and his lips moved soundlessly, framing the single word "Later." Ben blushed vividly and Ray's expression changed to one of sheer mischief.

Later, when Maria herded the protesting youngsters to bed, Ray pulled Ben up beside him on the couch, overriding his protests.

"Don't worry, Maria will be a half hour at least putting those brats to bed. Maybe an hour. By the time she gets back, it'll be time for you to go to bed..." Ray grinned naughtily. "You look kinda tired to me."

"Ray!"

But Ray just chuckled and draped an arm around his shoulders drawing him closer. Ben glanced around, saw that nobody was paying much attention and leaned against the slim body. The show they were all watching made absolutely no sense to him, inevitably his attention kept wandering. Actually, it kept wandering in a particular direction, and he was rather pleased to see a hint of pink in Ray's cheek. He slid a hand unobtrusively behind Ray's back and began stroking his hip.

"Watch it Benny-boy... I can outmatch you any day of the week." The words were whispered out of the corner of Ray's mouth while he continued to stare at the TV. Ben withdrew his hand rapidly and tried to ignore the tiny pleased smile that tugged at Ray's lips.

By the time Maria came back he really was feeling rather tired... Ray stretched and stood.

"G'night Ma." He ambled over and bent to kiss his mother on the cheek while Ben hesitated, embarrassed at the idea of going with him. When Ray reached the door he looked back. "Coming Benny?"

Ben's cheeks flamed suddenly, but he got up and headed for the door, leaving Dief still curled up in front of the fire. Ray jerked his head in his mother's direction and pursed his lips. Ben could feel his eyes widening, but he went over and kissed the proffered cheek, got a pat on his own and a murmured "Goodnight caro."

Once they were out in the hallway he was able to relax a bit. Enough at any rate to grab Ray in a bear hug and kiss him soundly. "Wretch!"

"What did I do?" Ray's indignation sounded entirely false to him. He lifted the lighter man in a fire-fighter’s hold and began to carry him upstairs. The last thing he was expecting was to hear Frannie's voice behind him.

"Huh. How come I can't ever get a man to do that to me?"

He nearly dropped Ray on the spot and had to grab the handrail to steady himself. Ray answered for him.

"Just unlucky I guess, Sis. Or maybe you need to find a Mountie. Is that a Mountie thing Benny?"

Oh well. He started up the stairs again. "I don't think so Ray. I'm sorry Francesca."

"Yeah. You look sorry."

It was with a sense of relief that he heard a door further down the hallway close. He pushed open Ray's door and dumped his burden on the bed. The burden snagged an arm round his neck pulling him down on top.

"You're learning Benny." Ben was rewarded with a long kiss. He relaxed against the lean body trapped below him.

"Your family... is this normal, Ray? Are other families like this?" It certainly wasn't like anything he'd experienced in his own family. He had no idea how his father or his grandparents would have reacted to him bringing Ray home, but he knew it wouldn't have been anything like this.

"I don't think anything about this family's very normal, Benny. Why?" Ray was looking at him with a hint of concern in his eyes.

"It's nothing, Ray. I'm just not used to this... family life... It doesn't matter."

Ray continued to study him for a moment longer and then applied himself to distracting his lover. He was becoming quite successful, too successful for Ben's comfort, within a very short space of time. Ben pulled away.

"Ray, I don't think..."

"That's the idea, Benny. Don't think..." Ray nibbled gently on an earlobe.

"Ray, I forgot to pack..." He broke off with a gasp as a hand slid under his shirt.

"Then it's just as well that I didn't. Isn't it Benny?" Ray grinned triumphantly.

"Definitely. Thank you kindly, Ray." He lifted Ray's sweater just a little and placed a lingering kiss on his belly. That was well received, so he did it again a little higher... soon his head was entirely hidden by the sweater as he kissed a puckered nipple then sucked it gently between his lips. Ray's body shivered beneath him, and his hands tugged Ben's shirt out of his jeans and up his back.

Suddenly Ben wriggled out from under the sweater and pushed it up, following close behind so that their bared chests brushed together lightly. Ray moaned softly and Ben closed his mouth over the parted lips, his tongue sliding into the warm depths. Their bodies began to rock gently against each other, the scrape of taut nipple against soft skin deliciously arousing. Ben brought his thigh up between Ray's, pressing into his groin and rolled them both onto their sides. Ray groaned into his mouth, beginning to move more urgently against him.

Their clothes were rapidly discarded as they sought greater contact, until there was nothing between them but their own skins. Ray’s hands seemed to burn his body like a brand wherever they touched and he pressed himself ever closer, needing more than the simplicity of a physical release. Ray slid from beneath him and began to cover his back with a fiery trail of kisses and touches, then turned him to repeat the pattern over his chest and belly, while his hands came down between Ben’s trembling thighs, and with one touch stole all coherent thought from him.

Ray suddenly became aware that Ben was no longer taking an active part in their lovemaking. He looked up to see his lover’s face pale and taut and gleaming with sweat.

“Benny?”

“Ray... oh, Ray... I can’t...” His voice was faint, forced out between heaving breaths.

Ray crawled up to lie alongside him. “Hush... it’s OK, Benny... what’s wrong, love?”

Blue eyes met his, hot and heavy lidded and urgent. “I want... no, I need... oh God... I need...”

“What Benny? What do you need?” Ray stroked the pale face lovingly, no longer sure of anything, his hands trembling.

Ben swallowed with an effort and caught his hand. “You... I need you...” Another heaving breath. “Fuck me Ray... I want you. Here. Inside me...”

Too stunned to speak, Ray sought refuge in action, taking Ben’s face between his hands and plundering the open mouth. He’d never heard Ben speak with such raw passion or hunger and it was both shocking and incredibly arousing at the same time. When he drew back Ben’s eyes followed him, dumb and achingly needy. Ray reached across him for the supplies he’d so casually slipped into his pocket back at the apartment. Now he could hardly hold them for the shaking of his fingers.

He managed to open a foil packet and draw out the condom and then pushed himself up, kneeling on the bed beside Ben, fumbling with the rubber in one hand, his cock in the other.

“No.”

The faint whisper stopped him dead and he glanced up at Ben. He was leaning on one elbow, reaching out a hand to take the condom. He would have simply let Ben take it, but Ben closed his hand around Ray’s and drew him closer. Suddenly Ben moved, curling his body around Ray’s legs, his head drooping over Ray’s groin. A brief hesitation and then a warm tongue slid over Ray’s burning cock, caressing and then gently curving around it.

Ray groaned, letting his head fall back. It was taking all his self control not to plunge into Ben’s mouth, to finish this here and now, but remembering Ben’s need, he held back. An eternity later, he felt Ben move again and a gentle touch, different this time, on his cock. He watched as Ben carefully placed the rubber over his cockhead and slowly eased it down, his every touch a caress. When he’d completed his task, Ben looked up and Ray could see tears shining in his eyes.

He eased his lover down onto the bed again and lay beside him, too overwhelmed with emotion to be able to continue immediately They exchanged kisses, their lips swollen to a painful sensitivity. It was almost reluctantly that Ray finally reached for the tube of gel, forgotten until now on the far side of the bed. Once again Ben took it from him and began to apply it to his cock, holding his eyes transfixed. The physical sensations were nothing beside this wordless communion that held them both in its grip. Ray thought that he could easily climax just from being held in Ben’s gaze.

“Now, Ray... take me now.”

There was no question of how it should be done, it would have killed him to look away, to break that connection. Ray simply moved on top of Ben, nestling in between the parted legs, using some more gel to massage into the softly unfurling anus. Gradually the scent of Ben’s arousal penetrated the haze in his brain, sending him to a whole new level of hunger, and with a desperate sob, he pressed into his lover’s body.

Once there, some of the urgency faded and he could see that Ben was relaxing a little too. He began to move slowly, sweetly, his heated cock buried in the greater heat of Ben’s body. They were both smiling now.

“Oh Benny... nothing feels like this, nothing in the world compares to being inside you.” Ray managed to break the gaze long enough to kiss him.

“How do I feel, Ray?” Ben’s voice, a breathless whisper.

“Smooth... so smooth... like silk, and hot... Hot, liquid silk, holding me so tight, so deep... sometimes it feels like I can touch your beating heart. When I fuck you, I feel like I’m touching your soul.” Ben’s eyes widened. “Oh, yes... yes, you are... oh, Ray...”

What he saw in Ben’s eyes in that moment was too intense for him to bear and he fell against Ben’s shoulder as his body’s demands took over. He could feel Ben meeting him, the joining of their bodies only the physical symbol of what was happening to them both.

Of all the things that still hurt him, Ray thought that this was one of the worst. He eased his softening cock from inside his lover and carefully removed the condom. All he wanted was to stay there, inside Benny until their bodies could no longer maintain the connection, not this removal that felt so clinical, so impersonal. But this was the price they both paid for the joy of being able to make love again. And it was a small enough price, he supposed, if only it weren’t so forceful a reminder of the danger that still threatened them.

Ben was still motionless, seemingly asleep. Ray kissed him gently on the cheek and went to dispose of the condom, not wanting his mother to find it in his room. He pulled on his robe and headed for the bathroom. A wash cloth would be a good idea too, he supposed.

The brush of soft lips against his cheek barely penetrated his consciousness, but the sound, a moment later, of the door quietly closing brought him a little closer to wakefulness. It was soon opened and closed again, but Ben lay, drowsily content, while Ray carefully wiped him down with a warm, damp cloth. He was very thorough, Ben noted approvingly, even drawing back his foreskin to clean beneath it. The touch of Ray’s fingers became a caress, and still Ben didn’t move, curious to know what Ray would do.

His cock was ripening delightfully under Ray’s skilful ministrations and Ben was considering opening his eyes and becoming an active participant when he heard and felt Ray shift his position. Then his cock was engulfed in the warm cavern of Ray’s mouth.

For a moment he was too shocked to move, then as Ray began to suck gently on his still sluggish cock, he sat up and pushed Ray away.

Ray held up a hand. “Don’t say a word, Benny. Just don’t say anything for a minute, OK?”

He did as Ray asked. It was one thing he’d learned from these last few months, not to react blindly, but to think first. They’d hurt each other too much that way. After taking a few deep breaths he leaned forward, touching Ray lightly on the shoulder, drawing him down to lie side by side. They kissed.

“Why did you do it, Ray? You know I can’t bear to put you at any risk. What we do isn’t entirely safe.”

Ray smiled. “When are you gonna believe me? I’ve never had a condom burst on me yet.”

“It still happens. And that isn’t the point. Why, Ray?”

“Do you remember the last time we did that, Benny? I do. It was four months, one week and three days ago. I’d almost forgotten what it feels like...”

He heard the pain in Ray’s voice and had no words to comfort him. What could he say that hadn’t already been said between them? Still he had to try. But Ray laid his fingers over Ben’s mouth and he remained obediently silent.

“I was careful Benny. I cleaned you up first, made it as safe as I could. I just wanted to do it one more time. Just one more time.”

Waking early, Ray could hardly decide which was more truly the man that he loved so much, the passionate lover of last night, or the sleeper beside him who looked so angelically beautiful and who could be so incredibly irritating when he was awake. But when those blue eyes opened and smiled at him, nothing else mattered.

When, finally, they went downstairs it was very late. They grabbed a cup of coffee and a slice of toast each and were out the door in five minutes, ignoring Mrs Vecchio’s protests and offers of cooked food. Ben had wanted to call in at the apartment on his way to work, to pick up some papers they’d forgotten the day before and that wasn’t going to leave them much time.

By the time Ray parked the Riv, Ben had the door half open.

“I’ll be right back, Ray.” Dief jumped out after him.

“Hey Benny, wait up.” Ray got out hurriedly.

He wasn’t as sure as Ben that everything was going to be OK, and he wanted to be there just in case. He charged up the stairs after the two of them and caught up by the time they’d reached the third floor. As they went down the hallway, Dief suddenly growled. Ray caught hold of Ben’s arm. He could see now, in the dimly lit hallway, that there was something not right about the door to the apartment.

“Let me check this out Benny. Wait here.” He went down the hallway, not particularly surprised when Ben followed him, but when they got to the door and found it had been broken open and then pulled roughly back into place, Ray turned back to him.

“Benny, please. Let me do this.”

The stench hit him as soon as he opened the door and Dief growled menacingly. Inside it was even worse. There was nothing he could do. He backed out hurriedly.

Ben made to move past him, his face set. Ray caught his arm. “Don’t go in there Benny.”

He was pushed out of the way. When neither Ben nor Dief came out again he called the Precinct on his cell phone and then went back inside.

They were still just standing there when Huey and a couple of Forensic guys arrived. The apartment was a complete wreck, Ray had checked that Ben’s guns were still safely locked away and then waited. He watched as Huey circled the apartment, taking in the walls smeared with faeces and blood, the slogans written on the walls in yet more blood. “AIDS carrying faggots” was the politest of them. Huey nearly stepped on one of the dozen or so rat carcasses scattered across the floor and pulled back shuddering in distaste.

He came over to them, pulling a notebook out of his pocket. “I take it you weren’t here when it happened. Any idea who might have done this?”

“The neighbours.” Ben’s voice was close to breaking point, and Ray put an arm around him. No sense in pretending anymore. He noticed Huey register this, but the detective said nothing.

“A bunch of them came round yesterday to see Benny. I can give you some names as a starting point. Can we do this down at the precinct?” He felt Ben tense against him. “You’ll have to go there sometime, Benny. Might as well be now.”

There was quite a reaction when he walked into the Bullpen with Ben beside him. Even Dief, trotting beside them, seemed to notice it. Several officers looked as though they might come over, but didn’t. No doubt they’d already heard there was something wrong. Elaine watched gravely and then came rapidly when he waved to her. He was busy settling Ben, still white and silent, at his desk.

“Elaine, could you get Benny some tea please?” Ray looked at her, warning her not to ask questions and she nodded and left immediately. He sat too and covered Ben’s hand where it lay on the desk. He was still holding it when Elaine came back, but she didn’t comment on it, just put down the mug and left them alone.

Ben took a sip of the tea and seemed to revive a little. He looked around. “Ray, this is going to...”

“Don’t worry about it Benny. About time they all knew anyway.”

“But...”

Ray tightened his grip on Ben’s hand. “Nothing we can do about it, Benny.”

Ben’s eyes dropped. “No. I suppose not.”

“Do you want me to call the consulate?”

“I’ll do that. I suppose I’m already late...” Ben glanced down at his watch and his eyes widened. “Oh, my.”

“Let me do it Benny.” He didn’t want Ben to have to deal with Meg in her Dragon Lady mode, which she might be, seeing as how he was over an hour late. Once she knew what had happened, he knew she’d be right behind them, but until then it was better not to take a chance. Before Ben could answer, he pulled out his cell phone and made the call.

It seemed to take forever to get through his statement, when all he could think about was Benny, doing the same thing in another room. Wanting to be with him, wanting to support him. He rushed it as much as he could and when it was over went in search of Ben. Who was still giving his statement to Huey.

As soon as Huey came out of the interrogation room, Ray went in. Ben was sitting at the table, looking white and strained still. He stood as Ray walked over to him and they hugged briefly.

“Once they’ve got the statements typed we can sign them and get outa here, Benny. Then we can go home.”

“Home?” Ben’s voice was shaking.

“Yeah, Meg said you should take the day off, remember?” He’d thought Ben hadn’t heard what he’d said earlier.

“There’s no need for that. I might as well go to work.”

Trust Benny to take that attitude. Ray suppressed a sigh. “Hey. If the boss gives you a day off, you take it, Benny. Trust me on this.”

Ben smiled tentatively. “All right, Ray.”

“All right! We’ll go home, get you out of that uniform...” he leered slightly. “We can go out of the city... take Dief for a nice long walk. Grab some food someplace... it’ll be great Benny.”

“It sounds very nice Ray.”

The smile disappeared off Ray’s face and he put his arms around Ben again. “Don’t worry, love. I’m sure none of your friends were involved. The people who did this were real scum.”

Ben’s arms came around his waist as he leaned against Ray and they stood holding each other until Elaine came in with the typewritten sheets for them to sign. She didn’t turn a hair at the sight of the two of them hugging, and Ray was grateful for that small mercy. She was clearly troubled though.

“Is it true, Fraser? What it said in here?” She indicated the statements.

Ben straightened from signing his copy and smiled slightly. “That I have AIDS? No, it’s not true. I may have been exposed, though, so I’m having regular blood tests. So far they’ve all been negative.”

Elaine looked very relieved. “I’m glad. When will you know for sure?”

“Well, in eight months, if the tests are still negative, I can be pretty certain I’ll be free of infection. But I’ve been told I should continue the tests for another year after that.”

She reached up to kiss his cheek. “Well, you look after yourself. And come visit us sometimes. We all miss you.”

“Thanks, Elaine. I keep telling him.” Ray held the papers out to her.

She took them and headed for the door. “Take care of him, Ray. Or you’ll answer to me.”

Ray laughed and rolled his eyes in mock terror. “You’d have to stand in line behind Ma and Frannie.”

The apartment was looking better now than it had when Ben moved in. Some of his neighbours had got together and bought some cheap white paint to cover up the mess. The floor had been scrubbed and they'd even bought some plates to replace the ones that had been smashed. It was ten days since the apartment had been trashed and Ben had started to talk about moving back in. Ray was doing his best to discourage the idea

"Ray, I really don't think there's any danger of another attack. Most of the people involved in that have gone now." It had been rather heart-warming to find that his friends in the building had pointedly encouraged them to move out. He really hadn't expected that kind of support.

Ray wasn't buying it, though. "Look, Benny, they don't have to live here to come back. Once they know you're living here again, they can come after you. Or just wait for you on the street."

Ben put his arms around him in a quick hug. "Don't worry so much, Ray. I'll be careful. And I'm not helpless, after all."

"I know that." Ray fidgeted around the apartment while Ben picked up the clothes he'd come here to get. "Why don't you stay for a while longer, Benny? I thought you liked living with us."

"Oh, I do, Ray. I'll stay another week. Do you think that would be all right?"

Ray didn't look any happier. "Why are you in such a hurry to get back here? You can't tell me this is better than my house."

"Well, no... is there something you're not telling me, Ray?" He was realising, belatedly, that whatever was on Ray's mind, it had nothing to do with any possible danger to him.

"It's just..." Ray stopped, sighed and pushed his hands into his pockets and hunched his shoulders. "I like having you living at home with me, Benny. I don't want you to come back here."

Ben was absurdly moved. He went over and put his arms around Ray, nuzzled his cheek gently. "I can't live there forever, Ray. It wouldn't be fair to your family."

"Is that all, Benny? 'Coz I don't think they'd mind. They all like you. Probably better than they like me."

He protested that, but his mind was whirling. They'd never talked about anything like this. It hadn't even occurred to him. Ray was watching him out of the corner of his eye, his face brooding.

"Ray..." Ben realised he was shaking and turned away.

"It's OK, Benny. If you don't want to do it, I mean. It was just an idea."

"No it wasn't." He forced himself to turn back, to face Ray. "What do you want, Ray?"

Ray's eyes met his squarely. "I dunno, Benny... It’s just that lately, I've thinking about... forever, I guess. About..." he swallowed painfully... "till death do us part..."

It felt like a blow. Ben stepped back a pace, stunned, his face going blank. A protective reaction.

"Oh God, Benny, I'm sorry." Ray came after him, arms lifting to hold him and he took another step back. His heart was hammering.

"Please, Ray..." He turned away again. "I need to think."

He finished packing the clothes he needed and fastened the backpack, trying to avoid looking at Ray. He didn't understand his own reaction, didn't even know what he was feeling, but it was so powerful that he knew he needed time to think about it.

“I’ll walk back. Dief could use the exercise.”

“Benny, it’ll take you hours to walk that far.” There was a hint of panic in Ray’s voice.

He forced a smile. “Well, it’ll be good for me. And for Dief. Don’t worry, Ray. I promise I’ll be there. I just need some time.”

Ray obviously didn’t like it. Not at all. But he shrugged and turned away. “Don’t take too long, Benny. You’ll be home for dinner?”

“Of course I will. Ray, could you... would you mind?”

He held out the backpack as Ray turned back. Ray took it, looking a bit more relaxed. “I’ll see ya in a couple of hours, OK Benny?”

He made it to the Vecchio house in just over two hours, with half an hour to go until dinner would be ready. It had been a rush to make it on time, but he hadn’t wanted to worry Ray by being late. Dief abandoned him as soon as Francesca opened the front door, heading off to investigate the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen.

“Thank you kindly, Francesca. Where’s Ray?”

She shrugged. “He’s been sulking in his room all afternoon. Why don’t you come and watch TV with us?”

“Oh dear. I’d better go talk to him.” He headed for the stairs.

“You two have a tiff? Let him do the kiss and make up. It’s probably his fault.” She was laughing, not unkindly.

“No, I’m afraid it was mine.” He was halfway up the stairs as he spoke. By the time he reached Ray’s door he’d almost forgotten her.

It was firmly closed. He drew in a deep breath and knocked.

“Go away, Frannie.”

“It’s me, Ray.”

There was a long silence, then. “Well, come in. You don’t need to wait for permission, you know.” Ray’s voice was, well he supposed it could be called sulky...

He went in. Ray was sitting in a chair by the window. Where he should have been able to see Ben coming down the street, if Ben hadn’t come from the other direction so Dief could enjoy the small neighbourhood park. He perched on the window sill, facing Ray.

“I’m sorry you’ve been worried, Ray. But there really wasn’t any reason to be. I just needed some time, like I said.”

Ray finally switched his attention from the empty street below. “And now you’ve had it. So tell me what’s going on, Benny.”

Even now, after thinking about it all the way back, it wasn’t easy for him to put this into words. He looked down at his clasped hands, searching for a way to start. He heard Ray sigh and stand. Ray’s arms came around him and he leaned into his chest.

“Benny, whatever it is... you can tell me, you know. You’ll always be my best friend.” Gentle hands stroked his back.

He rubbed his face against the soft warm sweater Ray was wearing. “Why did you say that Ray? About... you know...”

“Oh God, Benny. That was so stupid... I’m sorry, I should never have said that.” Ray’s arms tightened around him.

He drew back to look up into Ray’s face. “No, it’s all right. Well, it was a bit of a shock, but...”

Ray silenced him with a long kiss. When it ended Ray was smiling just a little. “Try again, Benny.”

He smiled back. “Sorry, Ray. I just wasn’t expecting you to say anything like that. It was almost like a... a...”

“Marriage proposal?”

Ben flushed. “Well, yes.”

“And what if it was, Benny?” Ray was watching him closely now.

He could feel his eyes widening. His heart was beating faster. “Why, Ray? Why now? Because I might get AIDS? Because you still feel guilty about it?”

Ray frowned. “I don’t think so. Hell, if it was guilt, I would have done it months ago, Benny... I've never really thought about it till now. At first it was so good for us, it was easy just to go with it. But lately... I keep thinking, what if it does happen? What if we don’t have forever, what if we just have a few years? I don’t want to waste any of it.”

He stood, pressing closer into Ray’s arms, and kissed him.

“Is that a yes, Benny?”

He smiled and shook his head slightly. “It’s a thank you, Ray. I’m not sure about... about anything else. Not just yet.”

Ray sighed quietly. “Well, let me know, OK? Offer’s still open.”

“I don’t know if I can, Ray. You made me realise how much I’m living from day to day. I don’t think about the future at all anymore. When you said that... it scared me. I didn’t know what to say. Or think. I almost panicked.”

“Almost?” Ray stroked his face. “There was no almost, Benny-love. You scared the hell out of me. I thought I’d lost you.”

In spite of himself, his smile widened. “It would take more than a marriage proposal to drive me away from you Ray.”

Ray grinned. “OK. Well, marriage aside, how about just living with me, huh? Just till this is over? Once we know what’s going to happen, we can think about it again.”

“As long as your family don’t mind. I’d like that, Ray. So would Dief, I think.”

Judging by the racket, the kids were all out in the backyard, and that meant that Ben would almost certainly be with them. Ray didn’t bother going upstairs to their room, just sauntered out there. Sure enough, there was Ben and Dief, engaged in a boisterous game of tag with his nieces and nephews. Years of experience had given Ray a finely tuned judgement in these matters, and he could tell the game would soon become too rough and Ben would put a stop to it before someone got hurt.

A couple of minutes later it was all over. Ray shooed the kids inside and strolled over to wrap his arms around his lover’s waist and collect a kiss. Dief disappeared in the direction of the kitchen as usual.

“You got it all set up, Benny?”

Ben nodded. “Friday morning. Ten am.”

“OK. I’ll tell Welsh I’ll be taking the day off.” Ray wished he felt better about this. Twelve months and it hadn’t got any easier. If anything it was worse this time, so close to safety. Just one more test and they could relax. He refused to believe it could be anything other than a negative result. He was terrified it would be positive.

“You’re sure he doesn’t mind, Ray?”

Ray grinned. “Are you kidding? He won’t let me work the day you’re having a test. He says I’m completely useless at best and downright dangerous at worst.”

Six months ago, with the Precinct short staffed because of illness, Ray had worked on the day of Ben’s blood test... and nearly gotten himself and a rookie uniformed cop killed. But he’d never seen any reason to tell Ben about that. Since then, he’d had no trouble getting time off.

With an effort, he shook off the memories. “Hey Benny, we got half an hour before dinner’s ready. You wanna go upstairs?”

He loved the way Ben blushed when he came on to him unexpectedly.

They never quite made it upstairs. First there was Tony wanting some help with some gadget or other. Ray would have just told him where to put it, but Ben, of course, had to stop and help. Then Carla came crying to Uncle Benton because Marco had taken her favourite teddy bear away from her. By the time Ben had negotiated a peaceful settlement, they had only a few minutes left. Ray managed to shove him into a secluded corner for a lingering kiss and a quick grope before leading him, still highly flushed, into the dining room.

He didn’t mind though. The lack of privacy that was a natural consequence of living in the Vecchio household was more than compensated for by the loving support his family had given the both of them. Ray sometimes wondered how they would have survived these last few months without it.

The mail arrived while they were all sitting around the table enjoying a late Saturday lunch. The kids had already been excused and had gone outside with Dief to play. Marco came in with a handful of envelopes and junk mail and began his deliveries. It was Ray who caught sight of the envelope and stiffened suddenly. Ben followed his gaze and felt himself freezing inside. He hadn’t expected it to arrive until Monday, when everyone would have been out of the house.

Ray reached out a hand to his nephew. “Hey, Marco. Give me that one.”

The boy looked down at the envelope. “But it’s for Benton, Uncle Ray.”

“I know. Give it to me.” His voice was quiet. Everyone else was watching the two of them now.

Ben could feel his heart racing, he swallowed and summoned up a smile for the boy, who was still hesitating. “It’s all right Marco. I’ll take it.”

He waited in silence until Marco had finished handing out the remaining mail and gone outside. The whole room was silent, Ben stifled his instinct to run and hide somewhere and glanced around the table. They were all looking upset and worried, none more so than Ray, of course, but still it moved him that they should care so much about him.

“Let’s go upstairs Benny.” Ray’s voice, hardly more than a whisper.

Ben looked at them all again. His family, he supposed... “No.”

He opened the envelope with trembling fingers and took out the familiar single sheet of paper. It was a moment before he could speak. Ray put a hand on his arm. “It’s negative.”

The table erupted around them, but Ben was too dazed to notice anything. Then the hand on his arm tightened painfully, drawing him back to reality. It was more than he could handle. He stood, needing to go someplace quiet, just as the family’s commotion began to die down. Ray still hadn’t moved. Ben realised it suddenly and turned back to put a hand lightly on his shoulder. A tremor ran through the slender body and then Ray dropped his head into his hands and began to sob.

It shocked them all, but Ben was already moving, pulling Ray around and up to his feet, holding him tightly against his chest. Ray clung to him desperately, his whole body shaking and Ben buried his face against the soft peach fuzz of his hair, fighting for control himself. He was vaguely aware that the others were leaving the room, but it wasn’t until he heard the door close quietly that he could relax his guard.

Gradually the sobs died away and Ray leaned heavily against him, still shaking a little. Ben began to stroke his back, whispering quiet reassurances until Ray was able to straighten and draw away. He looked a mess, his eyes and nose swollen and streaming.

“I’m sorry, Benny... I didn’t mean to fall apart like that.”

Ben stroked his cheek. “Don’t apologise, Ray. There’s no need.”

Ray turned away, picking up a couple of paper napkins and using them to clean himself up. “I guess I really blew it.”

"Stop it, Ray. I don't know how I would have managed without your strength. You're entitled." He took the tissues and finished cleaning Ray up, then kissed him firmly. "I think the family is waiting for us. Are you ready to face them, love?"

Ray nodded rather uncertainly and took the hand that Ben was holding out to him.

Later, in their room, it felt like the news was only just beginning to sink in. Their lives were almost unrecognisable compared to what they had been a year ago and Ben was wondering if they would ever be able to go back to what they'd been. Until he realised suddenly that he didn't want to do that. He wouldn't exchange what he had with Ray now, not for anything.

Besides, there was only one thing he wanted to do right now, and it didn't involve much thinking... He pulled Ray into his arms and kissed him hungrily. Ray's response was immediate and enthusiastic. They both needed this so badly. It only took a moment for them to discard their clothing and then Ben pushed Ray backwards onto the bed, falling with him. A brief and desperate grappling left them both spent within minutes. Ben wrapped his arms around Ray and allowed himself to drift.

"Benny? You OK?"

He smiled at Ray's anxious tone. "I'm fine, love... just give me a few minutes..."

It was rather embarrassing, he felt later, that he fell asleep almost immediately.

The light was fading when he woke again. Ray was asleep in his arms, looking tired and absolutely adorable with his mouth hanging slightly open. He stroked the soft bristly hair. It always felt so good... Ray snorted inelegantly and woke, smiling up at him.

"Think you can last a bit longer this time?"

Ben flushed, though he knew Ray was only teasing. "I think so. How about you?"

"Just try me." Ray grinned wickedly.

He didn't need a second invitation, but he could do without the needling. He shut Ray's mouth with his own, plunging his tongue inside for good measure. That was always very effective.

Ray was more than willing to be an accessory to his own silencing. They wrestled together, rolling over and over until they fetched up at the bottom of the bed in an undignified tangle of arms and legs. He managed to free his mouth from Ray's limpet-like embrace and attach himself to a nut-brown nipple. Ray moaned extravagantly.

They were moving against each other in a sweet slow rhythm that had Ben painfully aroused already. He pulled back, wanting to slow things down a little, but Ray wasn't having that.

"Oh God, Benny..." He reached up to touch Ben's face, the other hand sliding down to cup his ass, pulling him closer. "Fuck me, Benny. Fuck me hard. I want to feel you inside me."

The sight of Ray's face, the sound of his words, raw with passion, nearly sent him over the edge. He took a deep steadying breath and reached for the bedside cabinet where they kept the condoms.

"Damn it, Benny. We don't need that stuff anymore. Leave it."

He froze. It hadn't occurred to him that Ray would think that. He began to feel sick... this was going to be difficult.

"Ray..."

Ray's face tensed. "What? It's over Benny, we don't need it. What's the matter with you?"

"Ray, there's still a chance..." He stopped at the look on his lover's face, then forced himself to go on. "I know there's only a one percent chance that I'll develop HIV. Statistically, that’s very good. But someone has to be that one percent. Why shouldn't it be me?"

"It's over, Benny... please... just say it's over..." Ray's agonised voice brought tears to his eyes, but he shook his head.

"Love, I just can't take that chance with your life. Don't ask me to." He bent his head to kiss Ray lovingly. "It's not as though I really think there's any real danger, but I just can't do that..."

Ray swallowed hard, blinking back tears. "OK, Benny. We'll do it your way." He pulled Ben down into his arms and buried his face against the soft hair. "I've kinda lost the urge now, anyway..."

They both had. It was frightening to be so vulnerable. They huddled together seeking comfort in small caresses and gentle kisses for a while. Ray stirred against him, seeking out his mouth for a longer, deeper kiss, his hands roving over Ben's body.

"There's something I wanna do, Benny. And I'm not gonna take no for an answer..."

Ben groaned softly, aching with pleasure from what Ray's hands were doing to him. "What do you want to do, Ray?"

"I wanna suck you, Benny. I want to hold you in my mouth and feel you come..." Ray nipped gently at an earlobe sending shudders through him.

His first instinct was to refuse. But the need in Ray's voice made him hesitate... what he wanted was a low risk, they both knew that. He still would have preferred to take no risks at all, but was that really being fair to Ray? He had some idea of what this last year had cost Ray, did he have the right to insist on this? Ray knew the risks as well as he did, and Ray had accepted his need to keep using protection.

He nodded reluctantly and was stunned by the joy in Ray's face. He wondered if Ray's need to do this was more symbolic than physical... a sign that the pain and fear of the last twelve months could be put behind them. Whatever it was, it infected him too, he was hard and aching just at the thought of it. He held Ray's face between his hands for a long, hungry kiss, then guided him down to his burning cock.

Ray leaned back against the headboard and watched his lover sleep. He could do this for hours, a leisurely cataloguing of the classical perfection of his features... all his features, he thought with a fierce, possessive smile. He loved the sight of that long pale body, tidily tucked against his own.

As if disturbed by his lustful thoughts, the dark lashes stirred, lifting from slightly flushed cheeks and exposing drowsy slate-blue eyes. He answered Ben's sleepy smile with one of his own and slid down beside him.

“Hey, Benny. We’ve got future now. You realise that?”

Ben blinked up at him. “I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet, Ray. I can’t really believe it.”

“You better believe it Benny.” He stroked the flushed cheeks lovingly. “I think we should celebrate it.”

Their second anniversary had passed, almost unnoticed, just a few weeks ago. Neither of them had felt much like celebrating then with the other, more ominous, anniversary so near. Ray had been gripped by a superstitious fear of tempting fate and Ben had simply withdrawn into silence until it was past. Now they could really celebrate. He could see the idea was taking hold as Ben smiled slightly.

“That would be nice, Ray. What would you like to do?”

“How about a party? A big party... all our friends. From your apartment building, and the precinct. Everyone we know. Even the Dragon Lady.”

He smiled so Ben would know he was only joking. Over the last year he’d come to appreciate all the support Meg had given Ben. They might never be friends, but he’d learned to respect her.

An idea struck him suddenly. An idea so incredible that he had to catch his breath and force himself to stop before he blurted it out like an idiot and totally ruined his chances. Naturally, Ben noticed.

“Ray? Is something wrong?”

Oh, no. Not wrong, not this... it was so totally right he could hardly believe it. The question was, would Benny feel the same way?

Ray jumped nervously as Ben stuck his head around the door. “Ray, aren’t you ready yet? They’re all waiting.”

He finished fiddling with his tie and turned to look at his lover. Ben was looking a little pale, he was curiously satisfied to note, a little on the nervous side...

“I’ll be ready soon. Come in, will ya?”

Ben slid into the room obediently and Ray inspected him from head to foot and reached for a tissue. “Hold still, you’ve got lipstick on your cheek.”

Ben’s eyes widened innocently. “She means nothing to me, Ray. Honestly.” He giggled.

Definitely nervous. Ray began to relax a little. “Turn around. Slowly.”

Ben did as he was told, glancing over his shoulder questioningly. God, he looked incredible in a tux.

“Perfect. You sure about this, Benny?”

Gentle hands cupped his face and warm lips stole his breath away. “Of course I am. You’re not getting cold feet are you Ray? It was your idea, after all.”

“Me? Nah!” Ray thrust his hand into his pants pocket, feeling the slick smoothness of the two shiny gold rings inside. He took a deep breath and gave Ben a gentle shove towards the door. “Let’s just go do it, OK?”