Disclaimer: In no way do I own the boys. Wish I did, though. I do claim the rights to fuck with Ray Kowalski as much as I want. There are many other authors that do a better job than me, so I must share. <g>
Notes: Not beta'd. I seem to be a writing fool this weekend. Can't help it. Set after 'Ladies Man', so I guess that means there could be spoilers below. This is a kind of a departure from what I usually write. Let me know what you think!
Ratings: I'd say R for language.
Summary: Unrequited love and the realization that Ray will never be his.
Author's Website: http://home.att.net/~lojojan
Watching, Waiting,
and Wanting
I drove him home tonight. He was in no condition to that was for sure. Everyone in the bar knew something was wrong. Ray Vecchio didn't drink. Apparently Ray Kowalski did when something was bothering him. That something was Beth Botrelle, the cop's wife who hadn't killed her husband.
Anyone with half a brain could see that Kowalski was all torn up about the whole thing. He thought, in some fucked up way, that it was his fault she almost got the needle. Ray had convinced himself that he was an almost-murderer and wouldn't be persuaded otherwise. His self-inflicted guilt showed in every move, every expression he made. Even in the way he dressed. Kowalski had been wearing all black in one form or another for the past few weeks. No one at the 27th had been able to figure out exactly why until he'd freaked out about the countdown to Botrelle's death.
No one believed that she hadn't done it. Not even I did. Shows how much I know, doesn't it? The man I love more than anything in this life needed support and I couldn't give it to him. Didn't want to give it to him. Botrelle had killed her cop husband. What more did I need to know? Ray was just mistaken, that was all.
The Mountie had believed him. That was the kicker wasn't it? Mr. Perfect in his perfect uniform, his perfect grammar. His perfect *everything*. I fucking hate the Mountie. I hate everything about him. It scares me sometimes, how deep the hate runs. This hate makes me want to do violent things to the Mountie, but I know I can't because my Ray loves him.
That's right, Ray loves him.
I'm not stupid. I see things. I see the looks they exchange, the way they touch when they think no one is looking. Those two think they're fooling everyone. Wrong. Welsh knows. My partner knows.
I know.
The bartender hadn't been able to reach Super Mountie, so he called me. Told me to come and get the drunk, depressed detective off his bar. Guy didn't fool me a bit. I saw the way he looked at my Ray. Asshole knew if he tried anything I'd fuck him up. He's not a stupid guy either. We'd all been to that bar before, celebrating this case or that case. He'd seen how I looked at Ray.
We had come to a mutual understanding, he and I. He kept his hands off Ray, promising to call me if necessary. I promised not to beat the shit out of him. So when he called I was surprised. The Mountie was like Ray's little lamb; wherever Kowalski went, he was sure to follow.
So like I said, I was surprised. Found out later that the Mountie had to work late at the consulate. By the time I got to the bar Ray was wasted. Bartender told me he'd walked in and ordered shot after shot of Jim Beam.
He didn't look good. His arms were crossed in front of him on the bar, head resting on them. The blonde hair that was always so defiantly spiky, was sticking in every direction. Looked like he'd been running his fingers through it. I wanted to be the one to run my fingers through that hair. I wanted to know if it was as soft as my dreams told me it might be.
I laid my hand on his shoulder and shook him lightly. Ray looked up, startled. Took some time before he could focus on me. "Ray," I said as gently as I could, "Let me drive you home."
He blinked several times, processing this new information. Finally his mind caught up with his ears. "OK."
Just 'OK'. I expected an argument, a fight, something. I slung my arm around his too thin waist and pulled him up until he was more or less standing. He made a grab for his jacket, missed, and looked at me pleadingly. I smiled and helped him put it on, inhaling deeply as I did. The jacket smelled like...Ray. It's hard to describe. Ray has a scent all his own. Doesn't need cologne or anything like that.
We stumble-staggered out the door and into the cold night. He shivered and I pulled him closer to me. An arm snaked around my waist for balance. I imagined it was more than that. I pictured Ray leaning into me...kissing me softly...saying he loved me.
"Where'd ya park?" The slurred words brought me out of my fantasy. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"Over here." I unlocked the door and maneuvered Ray into the passenger seat. He sat down heavily and leaned his head back, eyes closed. My breath caught in my throat.
Ray looked so fragile. All the time I've known him, he'd never looked vulnerable like this. He always had a smart-ass remark or killer smile at the ready. I realized then just how much this whole Botrelle thing had taken out of him. His face was pale, a sure sign he hadn't been sleeping, skin stretched tight over the angular face. Must have been skipping meals too.
How had I not noticed this? How had the Mountie not seen this? A white-hot surge of anger traveled through me. Fucking Mountie hadn't been taking care of Ray like he should be. In my mind's eye, I saw myself pulling out my gun, killing the Mountie, and taking Ray somewhere far away.
But that would never happen.
I concentrated on getting into the car and starting it, driving away. Ray didn't move the entire drive. Just kept his eyes closed, head resting against the seat. It hit me as I stopped for a red light; he was asleep, breathing deep and even.
I had Ray Kowalski asleep in my car. This sweet, beautiful man had trusted me enough to go to sleep. I wish I could tell him how I feel about him. How I love him more than anyone I've ever loved anyone before. How it kills me to see him with the Mountie day in and day out. How he makes me hard when he wears that white t-shirt.
I can't tell him any of that.
He's happy with the Mountie. I don't want to wreck any of that, don't want to make him sad or mad, or anything else. I just...want him. Want him any way I can get him and if that means I have to be his friend and love him from afar then that's what I'll do.
I pulled up in front of Ray's apartment building. As I was getting out of the car, I saw the Mountie heading towards us. Must have been watching from the window. He looked so worried. Motherfucker should be. Ray needs someone who can take care of him, make sure he eats right, gets enough sleep. Obviously the Mountie didn't take his duty seriously.
The Mountie cleared his throat. I realized that I had been staring at him. "Bartender called." I offered this as my explanation for bringing his unconscious lover home.
He nodded slightly. For some stupid reason, I opened my mouth again. "You need any help getting him in?"
He stared hard at me, eyes narrowing. Shit, guess I haven't been all that discreet. The Mountie stared at me for a while longer and then shook his head.
"No, I can take care of him." Words said with a challenge. Oh he knew, didn't he? Smug fucker. He knew how I felt about Ray. Possessive much, Mountie?
He opened the passenger door and spoke Ray's name, trying to get him to wake up. Ray just mumbled something at him. The Mountie smiled and shook Ray slightly, waking him up a bit.
I watched as Ray got out of my car, still half-asleep. He leaned against the man I hated, resting his head on a broad shoulder. The Mountie put an arm around Ray to hold him steady as he closed the car door. Then he did something that took my breath away.
He picked Ray up. Just swept him into those big arms like Ray weighed nothing. I couldn't help but stare as the man I loved snuggled into another man's arms, rested his head against another man's chest.
My heart ached. Felt like it was going to explode, it hurt so much.
Ray murmured something and the Mountie hugged him tighter. His dark head bent forward as he whispered something I couldn't make out. They looked so...right for each other. They fit together. Matched perfectly. Meant for each other and no one else. All the time spent watching them; I had missed this. This...this...
Love.
This pure, unadulterated love. It radiated from them, shining on everyone around them.
The ache increased and my heart exploded.
I could never have Ray. He would never love me like he loved the Mountie. I see that now. I thought... I thought that maybe someday I would have a chance. That I would get my shot. That the Mountie would fuck it up and I'd be there for him.
How does that saying go? 'The truth hurts.' Feels like a fucking knife in my gut. I have to get away, I can't see this anymore. "I gotta go." My voice sounded like I had been swallowing razor blades.
The Mountie looked at me. Just looked for a long moment. He must have come to a decision, because he nodded his head once and said, "Thank you kindly, Detective Huey."
"Yeah," I mumbled, getting into the car.
I watched as he carried Ray into the building, holding him like he was holding something breakable. He was carrying precious cargo, there's no doubt about that.
I watched until I couldn't see them anymore. Then I started the car and drove away. Didn't know where I was going, just drove aimlessly. Ended up at the lakefront, staring out across the water.
My heart no longer hurts. I don't feel anything anymore. Just numbness. Is this better than what I had before? I can't tell.
I'll never have him. I know that now. I will never get the opportunity to tell him how I feel. The Mountie will make sure of that.
Still, Ray is happy. He has a man that loves him very much. A man that will love him for the rest of his life.
Used to be two men that loved him, but there's a black hole where my heart was. I feel empty, hollowed out.
Ray's happy and that's what matters.
I just hope that's enough for me to keep going. To keep living a lie.
One day it won't be enough.
I don't know what I'll do then.
The End