The Epic Limerick from Heck
(Pilot, part One)
By Melanie Mitchell
 
 
A Mountie was shot in the snow,
In the very first scene of the show.
His son crossed the pass,
To avenge some dead bass,
Even though it was fifty below.

"Your father was shot by mistake,
By hunters, just west of the lake.
Now I know that you're mad,
and you're grieving for Dad,
You'll feel better, Ben, after the wake."

The crime scene was really a mess,
The herd had twelve caribou less
than before. Then some clues,
Like the prints from the shoes,
Proved the killer was from the U.S.

Ben asked Gerard, "Please, for a transfer--
Don't give me a negative answer!
Though assignments too urban
I once found disturbin',
You can't stop me getting my man, Sir."

He shortly arrived at O'Hare,
(Air Canada carried him there).
He quarantined Dief,
Donated dried beef,
and saved thirty dollars cab fare.

He gave Ray a nasty surprise,
Exposing entrapment and lies.
He then met his boss,
His colleague was cross
while she gave him his office supplies.

Ann said, triumphantly, "Fine!
I hope you possess a strong spine.
Six hours or more
at the consulate door,
Will teach you that this job is MINE!"

Ray laughed at a constable who is
alert, at attention, but clueless.
He chortled with glee,
Said, "Are you kidding me?
Do they actually pay you to do this?"

Ray admitted his error and said,
"I am sorry; my face is quite red.
Had I not checked your list,
then I just might have missed
that one of your dentists is dead."

Ben's courtesy proves that he cares.
(Ray thought Ben was putting on airs.)
"Politeness from cops
takes one second, tops.
We'll just have to climb up the stairs."

They questioned the Doc with the beaver
concerning the dental deceiver.
The pic gave a clue,
'Cause Ray thought he knew
a crook with the very same sneezer.

Ray said, "This is not a mistake,
That nose is on one Francis Drake.
He likes to cause harm,
He broke his wife's arm,
He's your man with the gun at the lake."

Ray wanted to follow the lead,
But Ben had more pressing need.
"Dief waits in despair,
In a cage at O'Hare,
His time's up. He wants to be freed."

The Mercedes was parked near the bar,
Dief followed, but didn't get far.
Those kids-- Benny paid 'em,
Ray couldn't dissuade him,
They were already watching the car!

The bartender said with a frown,
"You're not welcome in this part of town."
Ray replied, "What's the use?
I'll just sing like a moose,
And my buddy'll break the door down."

"AHEM! May I have your attention?
Thank you! Now let me just mention
that my purpose is clear,
For as long as I'm here,
I'll engage in some weapons retention."

Although Benny spoke with conviction,
The atmosphere had too much friction.
Every gun in the place
was in Benny's face,
"Hey! Dudley's got no jurisdiction!"

Ben was in an awkward position,
But Dief helped his plan to fruition.
Then Ray made his point,
While Drake shot up the joint,
"Do Canadians use ammunition?"

Drake left Ben and Ray standing flat,
Then told a conspirator that,
"My fee is now double,
'Cause now I've got trouble,
And trouble is wearing a hat."

The Captain was truly nonplussed.
"Detective, you screwed up this bust.
Your priority base is
those forty-one cases
on your desk that are gathering dust!"

Ben apologized kindly to Ray,
and then generously offered to pay
for a phone call. He found
that the caribou drowned,
Then he quietly went on his way.

Ray contemplated Ben's mood,
He's one very unhappy dude.
Now my limerick is done,
For all of Part One,
Except for this: To Be Continued. . .

Author's disclaimer: The presence of the words "to be continued" does not represent a warrantee on the writer's part to produce additional limericks. In fact, the unhinged muse that inspired this bit of insanity (or is in inanity?) has not seen fit to show here face around my home since this 22-verse epic was completed. If she does show up again, I may just have to shoot her with a big gun.

Melanie.m@erols.com