Second Best

Kowalski flings himself onto the sofa, a fresh bottle of beer sweating against the palm of his right hand. He takes a long swallow of the fizzing liquid, concentrating on the cool slide of it as it flows over his tongue and down his throat. It tastes no better than it had when he opened the first bottle and this was what the sixth or seventh. He picks at the foil with his left hand. His ear is itching madly under the protective layers of bandage. His whole body itches come to that and he is still sober. He sighs; he hasn't felt right in his skin since they had found the body in the wall.

All in all he should be happy, a pretty good day's work. Nailing Kuzma and that slimeball builder should add up to a good day. But it didn't. It didn't make up for what he had wanted, what he had hoped, just for those first few seconds when Fraser had told him about Vecchio's possible connection to the body in the wall. He had wanted Vecchio to be responsible for Rankin wanted something, anything to shake Fraser's faith in the man whose life he now lived. He couldn't look Fraser in the face then and even now the memory of those thoughts made Ray squirm on the sofa.

"Stupid, twisted little fuckhead." His voice is startlingly loud in the dim surroundings of his apartment. Jeez you knew Vecchio wasn't responsible - it took someone calculated and cold - everything Vecchio wasn't by all accounts, to shellac a man and bury him in a wall.

Watching Fraser turning somersaults to clear Vecchio of any wrongdoing had twisted his guts and hours later they were still tied hard and fast in his belly. Mr straight arrow by the book, Benton Fraser, bending the rules, concealing a body and lying to defend his friend who would almost certainly never know what he had done for him had hurt worse than the little freak show Kuzma biting his fucking ear.

He finishes the bottle of beer in one long swallow, breathing deeply at the threatened backflow up his throat. He flicks the final scraps of foil from the bottleneck. It probably isn't worth opening yet another bottle.

"Just about sums up today - can't even get fucking wasted." He half mutters under his breath. He rubs long fingers over his gritty eyes, surrendering to a jaw-cracking yawn. Maybe some music and dancing will stop him thinking long enough to actually fall asleep. Not sleeping is something he is used to but this latest bout of what would Fraser call it, insomnia, has gotten so bad over the last couple of weeks that he was sure he couldn't drown its effects in coffee and work for much longer. He hasn't felt like dancing hasn't felt the beat in his feet for so long but dancing is the only real option he has left. Running, drinking, watching TV until his eyes buzzed and his head ached, nothing had stopped him spending every night, achingly hard, twisting and turning in his bed trying desperately not to think of Fraser. Nothing worked and the sheets hadn't been changed so regularly since Stella left.

"Jesus, just don't go there Kowalski. You don't have enough beer in the place to deal with both Stella and Fraze." Rolling his eyes he bounces to his feet and starts searching through his CD collection. Music and dancing has to be the way to go, now what? That might do it. A loud rapping on his door makes him drop the selected blues CD. "Shit, Shit." Who the hell? He retrieves the CD and places it in the player before stalking over to the door. Whoever it is can just get lost; he is no mood for company tonight.

He yanks open the door and glares straight into Fraser's surprised blue eyes.

"What the fuck do, oh Fraze it's you. I wasn't..."

"Good evening Ray. I didn't get chance to talk to you after... Can I come in?"

"Uh, yeah." Kowalski stands back to let Fraser move into the apartment.

Fraser steps past Ray into the lamp lit room. It is in its usual disorder but very quiet. The TV is off and no music is playing. Seven empty beer bottles are gathered on the coffee table, judging by the pile of foil scattered around them they have all been consumed that evening. He could smell the beer on Ray's breath when he opened the door. His stomach twists at the thought of Ray drinking quietly alone in the dark and he turns his head so that he can study his friend. Ray is standing still, slouching slightly in the doorway, staring into space. He is steady on his feet. Perhaps he hasn't drunk all of those bottles tonight but somehow Fraser knows his first instinct was right. He has changed into navy sweatpants that had washed out to a dark blue grey in places and a tight dark blue T-shirt that is so old that Ray's skin shines through the material across his chest and ribs. Ray's face is pale, the skin stretched more tightly across the angles of his jaw and cheekbones than usual. Without his gun and work attitude he looks exhausted Fraser realises with a sudden pang. Maybe he ought to go and leave Ray to sleep. Almost relieved to have found a legitimate reason to put off what he wanted to do Fraser opens his mouth. Before he can act any further on his thoughts Ray straightens his shoulders and kicks the door shut. He is moving towards the kitchen with something like his usual energy and talking about tea.

He looks so damn unruffled and perfect even out of uniform. His jeans are dark and new and his shirt is freshly ironed. Next to Fraser's perfectly pressed facade Kowalski suddenly feels grubby and sticky, like he has been in his clothes for days instead of showering and changing into his most comfortable sweats and T-shirt almost the minute he made it through the front door. He swallows, the taste of beer old and sour in his mouth, and forces himself not to yell at Fraser. A couple of deep breaths and he is almost sure he can talk normally. He can do this, long enough for Fraser to get through what ever is on his mind and something is. There are deep shadows under the Mountie's blue eyes and he lacks the air of quiet triumph that surrounded him a few hours earlier. He rubs his chest to ease the ache that has gathered there, he can't turn Fraser away tonight despite... Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he realises that he is still standing in the doorway and Fraser is watching him with a puzzled air. Swiftly he kicks the door shut and moves towards the kitchen.

"Where's Dief? Do ya want something to drink, tea, coffee, water and I might even have some soda lurking in the fridge?"

"Tea, please." Fraser can't quite keep the surprise out of his voice.

"I got Earl Grey, lemon or some grassy herbal stuff."

"Lemon would be very nice. Dief is at the Consulate sleeping off a stolen pizza."

Kowalski chuckles, carefully preparing the tea and some coffee for himself. "I'm not gonna ask. I don't wanna know."

"Here ya go." He places the steaming fragrant cup on the table in front Fraser.

Fraser is staring at the rows of beer bottles and the foil littering the coffee table.

Kowalski feels his face getting hot and he moves to the CD player and starts it playing. He occupies himself with adjusting the volume until he can feel his face returning to its normal colour.

"Have ya eaten Fraze? I was justa gonna order some Chinese, wanna share?"

"No I haven't. Dief got my pizza before I did." Fraser's voice is low and thoughtful and his clear blue eyes are fixed on Kowalski. He shifts uneasily from one foot to the other. He hates it when Fraser turns that look on him. It makes him feel like he has a window in his forehead and that everything whirling through his brain is spelt out in 20-foot tall neon.

Fraser watches Ray moving round the apartment adjusting the stereo, switching on another lamp, closing the blinds, finding the take away menu for his favorite Chinese restaurant. Nothing he hasn't seen before but Ray lacks his usual fluid grace, his energy is off tonight almost frenetic. Fraser grits his teeth against the urge to ask Ray to sit down or at least slow the pace. Normally he is fascinated, more fascinated than he'd ever want him to know, by his easy quick movements but this burnt out version makes his chest ache and his hair at the back of his neck stand on end. He takes a slow deep breath and clasps his mug tightly between his hands so that he can't give into the urge to grab Ray and stop him moving.

Once the food is ordered he has no choice but to stop flying around the apartment and sit and look at Fraser. Oh why did he hafta come round tonight? He had been very relieved when Fraser had left while he was retrieving his badge from Stanley Smith. All his nerves felt too close the surface and he was scared of what his sharp eyed friend might have read in his face. It was no easier now but the awful knot and throb in his belly was easing in Fraser's quiet presence.

"So Fraze, not that I am not glad to see ya but what do ya want?" Kowalski stretches his feet out onto the coffee table and sips at his coffee.

Fraser sits back on the small sofa relaxing his upright posture slightly and looks down into his steaming tea. He clears his throat and peers at Ray from under his eyelashes.

Kowalski flushes and glances away hoping his companion hasn't realized just how closely he has been watching him.

"This is good tea Ray, thank you. I hope I am not intruding." His eyes flick to the beer bottles.

"I er. I was just chilling out and I ... never mind, ya aren't intruding. Now spill."

Fraser stares down into his mug of tea. "I wanted to thank you for what you did today. It meant a lot to me."

"I was just doing my job, Fraze."

"Well not really Ray. You didn't have to assist me in the way that you did. The correct..."

"Fraze, Frazuh, you are my buddy and you wanted my help. After all you have pulled my ass out of trouble a million times but then you do usually drag me into those situations." He teases; trying to lighten the odd, solemn tension in the room and remove the sad look from his friend's shadowed blue eyes.

Fraser's face shutters, smooth and polite, the mask clicking back into place almost audibly.

"Ah shit, look Fraze."` Kowalski rubs his eyes and reaches forward to lay one long fingered hand on his companion's arm. " I was glad to help, really and we nailed the slimebag thanks to you." He squeezes the firm forearm and lightly strokes his fingers along Fraser's shirtsleeve. Fraser is warm, so warm beneath the shirt Kowalski shivers and feels an answering tremor in the clenched muscle beneath his fingers. He moves his hand away and leans back not daring to look at Fraser's face. His heart pounding in his ears so loudly that he hardly hears his next words.

"It was all down to you and Francesa."

"Team effort." He smiles slightly, trying to keep his shaking reaction from Fraser.

The intercom buzzes, "That'll be the food." Fraser reaches for his hat.

"Na ya don't Fraze." Kowalski bounces up. "I'll deal with the guy, won't be a minute."

Fraser sighs as Ray grabs his wallet and moves towards the door. He shouldn't have come here tonight. Something in the way Ray had looked at him while they were waiting for Dinardo to take their bait had started him thinking that perhaps Ray wouldn't hit him or throw him out if he were to give way to his need to kiss that smart mouth. He had left while Ray was chasing after Stanley Smith so that he wouldn't give in to his impulses in his relief at clearing up the Rankin case. He still can't wipe the image of the Ray's eyes staring wide and dark into his from his mind and now foolishly he is here in Ray's apartment. He really shouldn't do this but just remembering that look makes his heart pound and his body ache. The smell of food and the faint noise of Ray's footsteps snaps him out of his thoughts and he is able to stand and help Ray set out the food with equanimity.

Kowalski sits sideways in his chair, swinging his legs over one side, gathering his share of the food into lap. He takes a couple of bites, feeling his guts tighten impossibly further as the food hits his stomach. He pokes at his food with his chopsticks, what little appetite the beer had triggered has vanished with Fraser's presence. He forces another couple of bites into his mouth hyper aware of Fraser's surreptitious glances. He raises his head in time to catch Fraser looking away, a frown creasing his face.

"This is good music, Ray. " Fraser pauses in demolishing his lo mein. "I don't think I have heard you play this before."

"Glad ya like it - it is good chill out music." He could have bitten his tongue off as Fraser's gaze once again flicks towards the beer bottles. He puts down his carton of food and stares at Ray for a long moment.

He rubs a hand through his hair, flattening a few of the spikes. He knows that look on Fraser's face and he knows that something is going to break and he is almost sure it the fragile, edged friendship they have built between Ray Kowalski and Benton Fraser, outside of his assumed role in their partnership. Everything is too close to the surface tonight for Fraser to turn that look on him and them to come out unscathed and undamaged. He places his food on the table and takes a deep breath before meeting Fraser's determined eyes.

"Ray." Fraser's blue eyes are impossible to look away from. "Is everything well with you? Is it your ear? Maybe you should have gone to the hospital."

Kowalski shakes his head and closes his eyes against the sudden harsh salt sting biting at their corners. He bounces to his feet and paces across the apartment until he hits a wall unable to sit still under that steady blue gaze. He keeps his back to Fraser who he can hear moving towards him.

"I am just tired Fraze. Long day yer know." The words catch in his dry throat.

"Ray you can trust me you know. You have been on edge for the last week or so. It is not just everything that has happened today is it?" Fraser's voice is soft and he can feel the heat of him standing behind him.

He balls one hand into a fist, clenching and unclenching his fingers. "I, oh Fraze, I am just so tired. Yer know I thought it was going to be hard to take up the strings of someone else's life. I was ready for it, I needed it, to get away from everything I screwed up but it isn't mine. None of it is mine and I don't want what I did have. Sometimes it just gets to me ya know."

"Ray, Ray." Fraser's hand is heavy and warm on his shoulder. "You know I hadn't thought what ... I hadn't realised."

"You and me both, Fraze." He turns to face his friend, eyes glittering in the lamplight. A half-smile quirking the edges of his mouth. He rubs his fingers ruefully across his sparkling lashes. His chest heaves as he drags a deep breath into his aching lungs. Fraser's eyes are soft and dark and he can't look away. "Jeez you must think I am such a fucking loser. I get a chance to put my life back on track while Vecchio is playing hide and seek with the Mob and... aw shit."

Ray chokes and turns away but not before Fraser spies the tears slipping down his drawn face. He tightens his grip on the slim shaking shoulder and turns his trembling friend into a tight bear hug. "Tell me what I can do." Ray fits against him perfectly, his body hot and hard against his own. Fraser draws in a deep shuddering breath and stiffens his body against the inevitable reaction. Ray lowers his head to his shoulder his hands tight around Fraser's biceps, the ends of his hair softer than he would have thought against his neck. He runs one hand down Ray's slender spine. He can feel his vertebrae clearly through the thin material of his T-shirt and he suddenly shockingly aware of how much weight Ray has lost recently. "Oh Ray, Ray, Ray."

Ray's wiry frame shakes and shudders against him as he takes great gasping breaths obviously trying to regain his self-control. Fraser blinks away the tears stinging at his own eyes. "Ray, it's going to fine. We can work through this. Ssh." He strokes his hands up and down the lean muscular back, slowly, until the shaking turns to quivering. "That's it."

Kowalski lifts his head from Fraser's shoulder "I am sorry Fraze. I lost it for a while there." He smiles shakily, breath catching in his dry throat at the warmth and the spark of hunger in Fraser's eyes.

"Don't be sorry Ray. I just wish I had realised. You have made a place for yourself here you know. Not just with me. People aren't interchangeable and I know that you are... our friendship is real you know, not just part of the ruse. You are important to me, you do know that don't you?"

Ray stares at him in obvious shock. His chameleon eyes switching through grey to blue, finally darkening to the color of the lakes after the snow has started to melt. Fraser smiles, he can't help it.

Kowalski closes his mouth with a snap. "I guess, I no I.... I can't not do this anymore." He moves closer to Fraser, his hands sliding up to frame his face. He rubs his hands against the faint rasp of Fraser's stubble.

Fraser's breath catches as Ray touches his mouth with his tongue.

Kowalski presses a soft kiss against Fraser's mouth. His lips are warm and firm and after a split second press back against his, moving over his mouth. He opens his mouth at the scrape of Fraser's teeth against his bottom lip. Fraser's mouth is hard against his, his tongue sweeping over his teeth. He tastes of tea, soy sauce and salt. He moans low in his throat, the room wavers around him, his hands clench tightly on Fraser's biceps. Air fills his lungs as Fraser releases his mouth.

"Do you want this Ray? Do you want me?" Fraser's voice is gentle despite the harsh rattle of his breathing.

"Oh Jeez so much, for so long. Do you?" He feels oddly shy perhaps because of the solid warmth of Fraser's body against him.

"Oh God, yes. I never thought..."

Kowalski pulls his head closer, winding his fingers through the heavy silk of his partner's hair; he traces the outline of Ben's mouth with his tongue. "Bed, Ben?"

Fraser shivers as the warm whisper of the words slide across his sensitised mouth.

"Oh, yes Ray." Ray winds his fingers through the fingers on Fraser's right hand and pulls him gently in the direction of the bedroom. Fraser can feel every callous, every whirl and swirl on Ray's long fingers, the skin is surprisingly cool against the heat of his own.

Ray switches on the bedside lamp. "I need to see you, Ben." His voice is husky and soft.

Fraser nods, his breath catching as Ray pulls his T-shirt over his head. The long muscles of his body pulled sharp as he raises his arms. He reaches out to touch the fine vellum of his skin. Ray shivers as he traces the long sweep of his collarbone.

"Ya wearing too many clothes, Ben." Ray moves nearer, the heat of his skin bleeding warmth into Fraser's body. His fingers are frantic against the buttons of his shirt, sweeping his hands away when Fraser moves to help. Ray pushes his shirt from his shoulders and both men gasp as their bare chests brush against each other. Ray's hands are on his shoulders pulling Fraser tight against him.

"Oh Jeez yer so beautiful Ben." He half sighs against Fraser's mouth, nipping his way along Fraser's jawbone before returning to kiss him.

Ben's hands are smooth and so hot against his back as they move down to his hips, pulling him hard against the heat of his erection.

"Feel what you do to me Ray."

Kowalski lifts his mouth away from Ben's to draw in a deep shuddering breath.

"Aw Ben, oh fuck, me too." He rubs his erection against the hard confined length of Ben's for emphasis. "Me too." He traces the clean lines of Ben's shoulders with his teeth, soothing the sharp nips with his tongue.

Fraser makes a noise somewhere between a whimper and groan and rubs his hips against Ray's groin, his fingers digging into the surprisingly full curve of Ray's ass. Ray's fingers slide down his chest to brush the pale nipples, his nails catching at puckered flesh. Fraser cries out his neck arching back at the bright flash that races to his groin.

The rub and pull of denim and cotton is almost pain against the raw heat of his cock, Kowalski pushes against Ben, twisting free. He sinks bonelessly to his knees, meeting his partner's wide eyes with a grin. His fingers are agonizingly slow on the zipper but finally he manages to slide it down. He rubs one hand briefly over the straining length of Ben's erection, before easing his jeans and boxers down. Ben's cock is in his mouth, sliding deeper, touching the back of his mouth. He tastes of salt and honey; he swirls his tongue around the head and teases the slit. Ben bucks into his mouth and he slips his hands over his hipbones, holding him steady, as he works his throat muscles.

"Ray, Ray." Ben's voice is raw but his hands are firm and steady in his hair as he urges his head away. "I don't want it to be just this."

Kowalski stares up at him for a moment, licking his lips unconsciously. He can feel the fine tremble and shake of his partner's muscles beneath his fingers.

"Yer right, we haven't even made it to the bed yet."

Fraser smiles, feeling his knees unlock. "And we are not naked."

Ray's grin widens into his blinding smile as he stands. He slides his sweatpants down his slim hips and kicks them off. Fraser swallows; his mouth drying as he realises Ray isn't and hasn't been wearing any underwear. He closes his eyes against the wave of heat that sweeps through him. When he opens them again Ray is lying on the bed, watching him impatiently.

"C'mon Ben, yer way behind."

He kicks off his boots and clothes as fast he can before sitting on the edge of the bed.

Ray reaches one arm out and pulls him down against him. "I need to feel ya against me."

Fraser slides over the shocking heat of Ray's sprawled body, feeling the twitch of his partner's muscles under his old cotton skin. He settles most of his weight on his forearms. Ray's hips roll up against his, the hard length of his cock brushing against his own. Fraser's breathing hitches and he thrusts forward in answer. Ray groans, his hips lifting insistently against the rub and roll of Fraser's. Fraser lowers his head and bites one erect nipple, nipping his way across Ray's chest before soothing the other nipple with a long swipe of his tongue.

Kowalski arches up off the bed "Aw, fuck, Ben."

His eyes are wide and almost black as he raises a shaking hand to smooth the taut muscles of his partner's stomach and drifts it lower to pull gently at his straining erection.

"Now Ben, need it, can't wait." He pants out and nods towards the bedside table.

Ben fumbles in the drawer and eventually drops a small circle of latex and a small tube into his hand and sits back. Kowalski curls upwards so that he can reach his partner and with easy steady strokes eases the condom down over Ben's throbbing erection. Ben's breath hisses out at his touch and he can't stop himself from thrusting into his hand. Kowalski's eyes narrow at the sound and he fumbles with the tube. He slips two fingers inside himself, his hips lifting off the bed. Ben cries out at the sight and takes the tube from his hand. Anointing his fingers he nudges his partner's hand away, Kowalski falls back, chest heaving, against the pillows as Ben's slick clever fingers replace his own. He thrusts back against the flash of fullness and twists as he adds a third finger. Kowalski's hand moves to rub and pull at his own cock, as he fucks himself on Ben's fingers.

"Ben, ah Jesus, please, fuck me. Got to...Need ya."

Fraser removes his fingers. "Ssh, turn over."

Ray smiles wantonly and raises one knee against his chest. " I need to see ya."

Fraser fits himself against his partner and pushes slowly forward into the slick heat. Ray's slim legs wrap around his hips and it takes every bit of control he has to keep it slow. Ray arches and shudders beneath his long even thrusts. His pale skin flushed and gleaming in the low light. Fraser moves one hand down to squeeze the hard pulse of Ray's erection. Ray draws in a sobbing breath, his hips picking up the pace, working Fraser in and out of him. "Harder, Ben. I can...take. I need..."

Fraser feels the last of his control desert him and his hips drive forward urgently. He can hear Ray babbling random syllables as he slams into him, over and over.

Ray clenches down on him as his back arches impossibly high, releasing thick wetness between them. It is the final edge of sensation Fraser needs; he bites his partner's sweat slick shoulder, his muscles trembling and then releasing all at once as his cock pulses. Fraser collapses to one side of Ray, his limbs heavy and shaking. Ray gives a little groan as they separate.

Kowalski is the first to recover. "Jesus, wow, you are quite something Benton Fraser." He raises himself on one elbow. Ben is staring up at him with a lazy smile. He bends his head to kiss that smiling mouth, an easy warm kiss.

"So are you Ray Kowalski." He runs an affectionate hand over the smooth lean lines of Ray's chest. "So are you." And he pulls Ray back down for a long, lingering kiss.

"Let's clean up." Ray stands and stretches, wincing slightly. He reaches one hand back down to stroke Fraser' s arm. "I'll be right back."

When Kowalski returns Ben is sleeping, a small smile relaxing his face completely. He blinks rapidly for a moment, cleans his lover as gently as he can with a warm washcloth. After some trouble he is able to pull the bed covers over the sleeping man and slide under them himself. Ben sensing his warmth wraps a sleepy arm around his shoulders and pulls him close. He turns his head brushing his lips across Ben's cheek before his heavy eyelids close.

The grey quiet light of dawn wakes Fraser. His eyes open wide at the feel of Ray's slim leg next to his own. He eases himself upright very cautiously. Ray is flat on his back, both arms over his mussed head, smiling in his sleep. Fraser feels his groin jump at the sight and he almost lies back down again. Shaking his head, he slides slowly out of bed. Ray murmurs softly but does not stir. Fraser gathers his clothes, wincing slightly as underused muscles protest at the previous night's activities. He turns for one last look at Ray who has rolled on his side before leaving.

Kowalski hit out at the beeping alarm with one practiced hand, he lay for a few minutes luxuriating in the warmth of the bed and Ben's smell on the pillow next to his face. It's cool but the pine fresh scent is still strong. He cracks open a reluctant eye and sits up. "Fraze." He clears his morning dry throat and swings his legs out of the bed. Fraser's clothes are gone and the apartment is silent. He sighs, his stomach knotting.

He scrubs one hand through his hair as he moves into the kitchen. Coffee, shower and outta here, deal with rest of it later, Kowalski otherwise Welsh is gonna have yer ass. A small square of tattered paper attached to the fridge catches his eye before he can start making his much-needed coffee. He pulls it away from the magnet, feeling his stomach ease slightly, as he recognizes Fraser's careful handwriting.

Ray,

I have gone to see to Dief. I can only hope he has been well behaved. We need to talk.

Dinner tonight?

B.F.

He smacks one fist into the wall, "Fuck, fuck, a fucking brush off." He sucks his knuckles and glances at the microwave clock. "Oh shit!" Shower and outta here, Kowalski. He heads for the shower trying not to think about the taste of Fraser's skin or what he knows Fraser is going to say that night.