ACCESSORIES BY PEERLESS

By Magnes

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Mountie on the Bounty

Summary: Two cops, one closet, and a busted set of handcuffs.

Many thanks to Melanie!

(Mini-sub, Lake Superior)

"...we'll have to swim for it."

"Do we hafta?"

"Well, if you want to get to the ship, Ray, yes."

"Nnnnn."

"What is it?"

"I'm sick o' being wet!"

"Understood."

"You know, Son, the Yank hasn't slept in three days. He drove all the way to Sault Sainte Marie and let you sleep. And he didn't eat any of that...what did you call it? 'Simple, hearty fare'? Alpo has more appeal. He's exhausted."

"I know."

"Know what, Frase?"

"You're tired, Ray."

"Did I say I was tired?"

"No, but you haven't eaten or slept for several days."

"Hey, I got knocked out. That count for anything sleep-wise?"

"No."

"He probably has a concussion, too, Benton. That would explain a lot."

"Please!"

"Please what, Fraser?"

"Uh...it's not far, Ray."

"'Kay. Just one question."

"Yes?"

"Why is there a sailboat full of Mounties floatin' around the Lake they call Superior?"

"Good question, Yank. I was wondering the same thing, actually."

"It will be much easier for you to meet the reason why than for me to explain."

"Y'know, I always get nervous when ya talk dat way, Frase. Did Canada clone Turnbull or somethin'?"

"Mmm...no."

"'Kay, Benton buddy...let's piddle paddle."

"Careful, Ray, the sub's hull is bound to be slip-"

"Aaaaaahh!"

"Oh, dear."

"He doesn't look very happy."

"He's not, Dad. Not by a long shot."

"Be a man, Benton. Swallow the pride. Slip and fall just like the Yank did. If you value his friendship, take a dive."

"I suppose you're right."

"I'll meet you boys there."

"Ray? Ray! Ray, are you all riiiiiggggttt-"

"Nine point nine-five, Frase. Guess I'll have to settle for the silver."

(Bounty, off the port side)

"...bloom...close...Now what?"

"We climb on board."

"The other...boats...ship-things had stairs."

"They were modern day freighters, Ray. This is a reproduction of an eighteenth-century sailing ship."

"Fraser, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure stairs were invented by the eighteenth century."

"Perhaps, Ray, but they weren't seaworthy yet. The netting on the side - we'll climb up it."

"Oh, lord, is that Turnbull?"

"Um...yes."

"What is with dat hat on da Ice Queen?"

"She's an Inspector, Ray. You can't very well put scrambled eggs on a Stetson. Now carefully...grab the netting. Now climb!"

"Tryin'! Dis ain't easy!"

"Just think of how dry you'll be in a few minutes!"

"Great - OW!"

"Ray?!"

"My new bracelets, Frase. They're not double locked."

"Ah."

(Twenty minutes later, on the deck of the Bounty)

"Detective!"

"Hi, Turnbull. Hey, you seen Fraser lately?"

"Why, yes, I have."

"Where?"

"Ah. Constable Fraser is in the stern."

"Da what?"

"Stern."

"Turnbull, I know we're in almost in Canada, but could ya speak English?"

"Ah. Apologies, Detective Vecchio. The back of the ship."

"Thank you. Uh...I lost my glasses. Which one's Fraser?"

"He's in the red serge, with the Stetson."

"Yer a worlda help, Turnbull."

"Glad to be of assistance, Detective."

"Hey, Turnbull, ya got a handcuff key?"

"Why?"

"Uh...well, I'm kinda wearin' my cuffs. They didn't get double locked and if they keep getting tighter I'm gonna be howlin' louder than Dief when he eats too much Mexican. See?"

"Oh, my! I believe you're going to need a new set of handcuffs!"

"Ya think? Got a key?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"They really hurt. Dis one's right on the bone. Uh, think any of the redcoats here would have one?"

"I'll check and see. Don't worry, Detective Vecchio, we have a ship full of resourceful representatives of the RCMP and we shan't fail to free you before we arrive at the rendezvous with the Yankee Whaler!"

"Uh...great. I think."

(Ten minutes later...) 

"Fraser! FRASER! Don' leave me! They've got a saw!"

"Ray, you're panicking."

"If Turnbull was tryin' ta help ya, wouldn't you?"

"Good point."

"Hide me!"

"Uh...here, the storage locker. In here. Quickly! Now be quiet!"

"Constable Fraser! Sir! Have you seen Detective Vecchio?"

"Yes, I have, Turnbull."

"Good news, Sir! Recruit Benson found a saw! We'll have those cuffs off of Detective Vecchio in no time! Where did he go?"

"I don't see him right now. Keep looking."

"He seems strangely reluctant to accept our help, Sir."

"Ray is skittish, Turnbull."

"I see. Thank you, Constable. Come on, men!"

. . .

"Can I come out?"

"No, they're still on the deck."

"Think ya can pick the lock? My wrist's killin' me."

"I won't know until I've tried. Do you have any tools with you?"

"Left 'em in my other pants, remember?"

"Any of your keys?"

"If I did have 'em they were in my jacket."

"Which is where?"

"The bottom of the Lake they call Superior."

"Ah. Apologies. I forgot."

"Huh. Can I come out yet?"

"Not unless you want to lose a limb."

"No!"

"Be quiet! I'll be back in five minutes."

(Three minutes, twenty-nine seconds later...)

"Ray?"

"Dat was twenty minutes."

"Three and a half."

"Where'd ya go?"

"I went and found some tools to pick the locks on your cuffs."

"Cool! Greatness! Somebody had a tool kit?"

"Uh, no. I have a safety pin, a paper clip, and one of Recruit Richardson's hair pins."

"I am so screwed."

"Now, Ray, I picked handcuffs with one of Inspector Thatcher's hair pins once."

"I am not going there, Fraser. Are Richardson's better than Thatcher's?"

"I'm unaware of any grading of hair pins, but they seem to be of similar manufacture."

"Can I come out yet?"

"Uh...no. They're in the bow. They might riot if they see you."

"Fraser! I want these things off now!"

"I'll come in. Make room."

------

"Any sign of Vecchio, Inspector?"

"No, Lieutenant, and we seem to have lost Constable Fraser as well."

"Vecchio I can see losing. Fraser, no."

"It does seem a difficult task on a ship this size."

"Leave it to them."

"I'm certain, Lt. Welsh, that when we find one, we'll find the other."

-----

"Keep still, Ray. Hold these."

"Don'tcha need a light, Frase?"

"Not really, Ray. I need you to stop squirming."

"Sorry. I'm tryin'. So what's the plan?"

"Plan? Hmm...hairpin."

"Here. For the Whaling Yankee, I mean. What're we gonna do?"

"I'll have to check the stores onboard and we'll formulate a course of action based upon available supplies."

"But, you'll, like TELL me when ya figured out how to try and get us killed next? Ow!"

"Sorry. Yes, Ray, I'll be sure to give you all available details on how I'm going to endanger your life again."

"Thanks. Now that's buddies."

"Hold still."

"Tryin'."

-----

"Any luck, Inspector?"

"No sign of them, Lieutenant."

"I think - what's that?"

"Voices?"

"Coming from...over this way."

"That sounds like...Fraser."

"That sounds like my detective. Where are they?"

"Shh! That locker on the starboard side!"

-----

"...left...left a little..."

"Ray, are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just a touch now. Nice an' easy. Slide it on in."

"Ray - "

"Do it, Fraser!"

"If you insist."

"Ah! Ah! A little more! Just a - careful!"

"I've done this before, Ray."

"I can tell. Now...that's it! That's - that's good! Oh! That's it! You got it, Benton Buddy! Oh, god, that feels so good! Ah! Fantastic! Fraser, I love you!"

"I love you, too, Ray."

"Thanks, pal, I needed that so bad. I feel so much better."

"Glad to be of service, Ray. You know I'm always glad to assist regardless of circumstances."

"Ohhhhh, man, that is such a great feeling. Feels all tingly."

"What should I do with this?"

"Throw it out. It's useless now."

"Hmm."

"You finished?"

"Yes. And you?"

"I'm good. Thanks again, Frase. Yer the best."

"You would have done the same for me."

"Any time, night or day. You just call."

"Well, shall we try the other side?"

"Ready when you are, buddy."

-----

"Uhhhh..."

"Ummmm..."

"Uhhhh..."

"I'm...not certain we were meant to overhear that, Lt. Welsh."

"Uhhhh...yeah. You're right."

"Ummmm..."

"Yeah."

"Rather."

"Let's...go get some air on the other side of the ship."

"Well, we found them, anyway."

"I liked them more lost."

"Indeed."

(five minutes later...)

"Yer not really gonna keep that, are ya?"

"The handcuff? Yes."

"Why?"

"It will be a constant reminder not to take you for granted, Ray."

"Oh...'Kay. Guess I'm all over dat."

"I hoped you would be."

"Thanks again, Frase."

"My pleasure, Ray."

"Hey, dere's our bosses."

"Ah. I hope they didn't miss us."

"Why would dey? Hey, what's with dat look da Ice Queen's throwing us?"

"I'm not sure Ray. Perhaps she's getting seasick."

"Dat is not her seasick look, Frase. Dat is her 'eat 'em alive' look."

"I believe you're correct, Ray, and I have no idea why."

Author's not: All handcuffs come with a double-locking mechanism to prevent the cuffs from tightening once they've been put on. I can say from numerous training mishaps at the police academy that when cuffs aren't double locked, even normal movement will cause them to gradually tighten. When they get too tight, oh, lordy, does it ever HURT!