Author's webpage: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Starship/6102/home.html

Author's disclaimer: There was a company in Toronto,
Who made the world's best TV show.
People, wolves, places, and plot,
All the rights they have got.
But here I can do what I want to!

Author's notes: Response to two Challenges:
1: Write a story using only dialogue.
2: Write a story where Ray Vecchio has to dress in drag like Fraser did in "Some Like It Red."

"I'm not going, Benny."

"Ray, Ray, there is nothing wrong with..."

"Like hell there isn't! Good God, Benny, I don't even want to think about what the Duck Boys'd have to say about this one!"

"I'm certain they would understand that it is a valid part of police work."

"No. No. See, you just don't understand. Chasing criminals is a valid part of police work. Booking criminals is a valid part of police work. Putting a little heat on criminals is a valid part of police work. For you, using the gutter as a buffet is a valid part of police work. THIS is not!"

"I did it, Ray. I don't see why you can't accept..."

"You did it because you're a nut case."

"Well, I don't see how participating in an important case such as..."

"Drop it, Benny. I'm not going."

"Ah."

"Ah?"

"Ah."

"'Ah' what?"

"Oh, nothing, Ray."

"Don't gimme that. 'Ah' means something. 'Ah' always means something. Usually something funky. What is it? C'mon!"

"Well..."

"Spill it, Fraser!"

"I was...actually, I was considering what Leftenant Welsh told us in his briefing this morning."

"What about it?"

"Perhaps the part where he stated, if I recall correctly, 'I can't have you getting squeamish on me, Vecchio, or so help me, you're gonna be getting unemployed.'"

"So?"

"Ray, that is entirely unreasonable."

"So's this! I'm a cop, dammit! I have got a certain level of pride, and this is above and beyond that level!"

"Ray..."

"Stuff it, Benny. I am not going into one of those...those...nut houses! And I am sure as hell not going as one of the nuts."

"What if I accompanied you?"

"WHAT?!"

"I was just thinking that it might be easier for you to enter such a foreign and clearly disconcerting environment if you were accompanied by someone you knew. My father wrote in one of his journals that when he and Buck Frobisher had to enter the lodge of the Fraternal Order Of The Beaver Foot on an undercover operation, he was able to tolerate the initiation only by the knowledge that Buck was undergoing the same ordeal right beside him."

"Fraternal Order Of The Beaver Foot? You have got to be kidding."

"I am quite serious. It takes a brave man to stand out of doors in the frozen north clad only in a beaver skin as he is ceremonially pelted with beaver tails."

"Oh, I'm sure."

"Ray, it's a far more grueling ordeal than you might..."

"Benny, I'm sure it was the damned beaver inquisition. Your old man still didn't have to do this."

"Actually..."

"Benny..."

"Yes, Ray?"

"I don't want to hear about it."

"Ah."

"Ah? What 'Ah'?"

"No particular 'Ah', Ray, just 'Ah'."

"Will you stop with the 'Ah' already!"

"Yes, Ray."

"So...you'd really do this with me?"

"Of course. If you recall, it's not the first time I've..."

"Don't remind me."

"If you say so."

"You realize people might think we were..."

"Were?"

"Well, you know."

"Know what?"

"Y'know...kinda..."

"Odd?"

"That's a given. I was thinking..."

"Thinking what, Ray?"

"Just forget it."

"If you say so."

"I say so. I've just got one question, though?"

"Go ahead."

"How'd you keep from breaking your leg in these damned things?"

"Well it wasn't the first time I had - "

"WHAT?!!!"

"Calm down, Ray."

"Like hell I'm gonna calm down! My partner's telling me that he's a...oh God! I knew you were weird, Benny, but this is sick!"

"Ray..."

"No! I don't want to hear about it!"

"Ray, I had no choice!"

"I said I didn't want to hear it!"

"I was interrogating a woman at her cabin, and we could hear her husband's approaching snowmobile. I couldn't leave without leaving tracks he could trace."

"La la la la la...can't hear you!"

"We had been counting on a fall of snow later that evening, but he was arriving ahead of schedule."

"La la la la la."

"He would have killed me had he been aware I was a member of the RCMP."

"What else is new? I might kill you now!"

"Now there is simply no reason for violence, Ray."

"Look at me, Benny! There is plenty of reason for violence!"

"That is simply reactionary."

"I don't give a damn."

"Leftenant Welsh does. And I do believe that the murder victim's family cares quite a bit."

"That's not fair."

"What's not fair?"

"Bringing up the family. You're worse than Ma on the guilt thing."

"Sorry."

"No you're not."

"You're right."

"Of course I am. Ma's never sorry either."

"Ah."

"So...you'd really do this with me?"

"Absolutely."

"Whole nine yards?"

"Whole nine yards."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Damn."

"Is that a yes, Ray?"

"Yes, Benny, that's a yes."

"If I may make one comment, Ray?"

"Shoot."

"That shade of green is lovely with your eyes."

"EXCUSE ME?"

"I simply said that..."

"I know what you said! What were you doing lookin' at my eyes?"

"Ray, it is perfectly normal to look another person in the eyes while you speak to them. I do not see what was overly untoward about recognizing a favorable color coordination."

"It's just...it's not...men don't do that, Benny. They don't say stuff like that."

"Like what?"

"'Lovely.'"

"I don't see why not, Ray."

"They just don't."

"Now I understand how it might violate gender taboos to mention that the cut of that particular garment flatters your figure, or that you have surprisingly well-formed legs, but..."

"Stop it, Benny, you're freaking me out!"

"Ray, you are going to have to learn to adjust to the realities of undercover..."

"The realities are that I am a man, Benny. You are a man. Or at least I think you are. You've gotta be human before you can be a man."

"That is true."

"My point is, I'll do the limp-wristed, pantyhose-wearing, high-heels-lipstick-and-mascara, lisping bit while I'm in the damned bar. I'll do it while I'm undercover, and I'll do it because a certain Mountie knows how to lay a world-class guilt trip when some guy gets himself knifed in a wierdo cross-dresser bar and is found with a million bucks in his pocket."

"Which is very generous of you."

"But until then, and by 'until then', I mean the moment that we walk through the doors, we are men. You do not tell me that anything looks 'lovely'. You do not tell me I have nice legs. You do not tell me about your career as an Inuit transvestite."

"Ray, it was hardly a -"

"I said you do not tell me! Is that understood?"

"Yes, Ray. But may I say..."

"No!"

***

"How do I look, Ray?"

"Like a freak."

"But is my slip showing?"

"No."

"How about my stockings? Are they straight?"

"Yes, they're straight."

"And my scarf?"

"God, you're worse than Frannie, know that?! Your scarf is fine, Benny! Your hair is fine! Your dress is fine! Your makeup is fine! Your head is the only thing that is on crooked!"

"My head?"

"Just forget it."

"Ray, it's nearly seven o'clock. There's something I think I need to tell you."

"Don't."

"But..."

"I said don't. I don't need any more surprises."

"Are you certain?"

"Very."

*DING DONG*

"Benny, someone just rang the doorbell. Who the hell would be..."

"That's what I was trying to tell you."

"What?!"

"I requested that your sister provide us with transportation."

"You brought FRANNIE into this? You are a DEAD man, Benny! As soon as we're done, you are one DEAD Mountie!!"

"Ray, be reasonable. I don't own a vehicle, and the Riviera has become rather well known among Chicago's criminal environment."

"That's no excuse for..."

*BAM BAM BAM*

"Ray! Fraser! Are you going to let me in or not?"

"Of course, Francesca. I'm on my way."

"Dead man, Benny."

"Yes, Ray."

"It's about time you let me...oh my God! What happened to you two?!"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"It's an undercover assignment, Francesca. Do we look acceptable?"

"Actually, Frase, you look a lot better than some girls I know who are really, like, y'know...girls. That blue dress really brings out your eyes. And the dark brown wig looks so natural."

"I thought it preferable to the one I used before. Auburn just wasn't me."

"Oh I agree. You've got such a nice thing going there...dark hair, blue eyes...and you have got to tell me what you do with your skin. It's so pale, but not like sick pale."

"Nothing special, really. RCMP issue soap."

"Ok, you two. That's MORE than enough. Benny...you're a guy, remember? Ixnay on the skin care."

"Yes, Ray."

"Frase, y'know, you're not a bad woman, but my brother here...bow wow."

"Hey!"

"I don't think she means that in a derogatory sense, Ray..."

"Yes I do."

"Yes she does!"

"Ray, it's simply the fact that my features are more finely formed, even what one might term delicate, and that allows for easier acceptance as those of a female. Yours, on the other hand, are more definitely masculine."

"In other words, bow wow."

"Now, Francesca..."

"Both of you shut up."

"Or what?"

"Or I'll beat you both with your purses."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh I do believe that he is quite serious. He's done it before."

"He has?"

"I have. So shut up."

"Yes, Ray."

"You know, Frase, just because you're not a woman doesn't mean he's got to treat you like this."

"You wouldn't think there would be a limit to courtesy would you?"

"Not really."

"Well there is. So can it. Both of you."

"Of course, oh Great Brother."

"Yes, Ray."

"Now, ladies, lets hit the town."

"That's a very mature attitude, Ray."

"Don't get used to it. As of tomorrow, I'm back to normal."

"God help us all."

THE END