Disclaimer: All characters described below belong to Alliance, Paul Haggis, associated Due South writers and performers, and *anyone else who knows them*. Please due not sue. Not mine just borrowing TYK. Thanks too to Palin, Cleese & co.
Dedicated to DS night chat folks, Oscar, an African Gray and Oscar
a rescued Otter...
by TimBeastie
email graduc@aol.com
REPOST
1.
"It's a dead python Fraser, it has ceased to be." Ray jabbed his finger
into his friend's chest for extra emphasis "It - is - an - ex-python!"
"Aww no! Man that is disgusting! You cannot be serious!" Ray turned away quickly as the Mountie appeared to attempt mouth to mouth resuscitation on the limp form of the snake. "That's worse than kissing rats!"
Dief who had taken up a *strategic* position behind a large tree stump when he first spotted the reptile whined his agreement.
Fraser however ignored his companions and continued.
"Oh, this is so great Benny. You decide your overstuffed half-wolf, half-doughnut hound needs more training" - here Ray glared at Dief's ears just peeking above the stump. Dief's ears twitched with indignation. "So we go miles into the wilderness on my day off, spend half the time trying to get that dumb mutt out of my car.."
"Ray!" Fraser stood up suddenly interrupting his sometime partner's full flow of grievances.
"Sorry, Ray" apologised the Mountie "but look.." saying that he waved a rather soggy wad of paper in the bemused detective's face. "I found this in the python's throat. It appears to be a map."
"Yech! - So it's a map, so what - python's will eat anything it's a well known fact - rats, pigs - even wolves probably - which is why Big Bad Booby over there is cowering behind that stump".
"Now that's just silly Ray. Whilst popular belief has it that the python is omnivorous actually wolves form very little part of their natural diet." Dief barked sharply at this patent piece of nonsense. "Ah, paying a little more attention now are we mister?" Fraser glanced quickly over to his errant wolf, then back to his friend. "Anyway I think this map may be important."
"Oh sure Fraser, X marks the spot. Nix on that. Come let's get outta here, I'm freezin' and the way the sky's lookin' its gonna burst soon and I do not want to end up sick coz you want to go on some mad treasure hunt. Besides I got a hot date tonight."
Fraser looked carefully at his friend who was preening himself in the reflection of the Riv's wing mirror. "Ah, understood Ray. Well, I think I need to study this map in more detail anyway". With that he lifted the lifeless snake and made for the side door of the car.
"Hey Fraser, what's with you - you're not taking that stinking festering object into my baby - no way, I just got her valet cleaned" objected Ray barring the Mountie's route.
"But Ray it has only been dead for approximately an hour, it has not yet begun to putrefy, nor is it yet overly malodorous due to the.."
"No Benny, no way is *that* getting into my car" Ray folded his arms squaring firmly up to Fraser protecting his beloved Riv - no amount of devious Mountie manipulation would sway him.
"Oh, oh well." Benny tried his best big eyed poor lost Mountie look on Ray just in case and failed miserably. Ray simply folded his arms tighter and glared.
"Very well Ray, I shall walk." said the Mountie hoisting the snake over his shoulders like a wrap. "Come on Dief this will do you good." With that the Mountie and the python began to stalk, rather moodily Ray thought, in the general direction of Chicago.
Diefenbaker however elected to remain with, in his opinion, a saner form of transport and probable snack provider. Ray sighed at the retreating figure of Fraser and beckoned to the recalcitrant wolf. "Come on Dief. Benny's in a snit again."
2.
By the time Fraser reached his spartan apartment he was uncomfortably sodden for the slippery scales of the snake had encouraged the rain to trickle down his collar. He had experimented with other ways of holding the creature but the skin was so slick he had had to leave it wrapped round his neck.
Psychically sensing his *owner's* approach and discomfort, Dief roused quickly out of a pleasant dream, licked the evidence of Ray's complicity in his fast food diet off his whiskers, yawned deeply and leapt off Fraser's narrow bed.
"Hmm, that's a python son - a dead python if I'm any judge." Fraser's father peered closely at his snake clad offspring as he prepared to enter his apartment. Startled by his father's unexpected materialisation Fraser managed to dislodge the snake from his shoulders and it slithered to the floor with a thump.
"I am *aware* that it is a python dad, and I *know* that it is dead." hissed Fraser rather testily.
Could things get any worse? Well apparently yes - for at the sudden noise several of Fraser's neighbours decided to investigate the cause, doors flew open and several pairs of very curious eyes watched the well soaked Mountie struggling to pick up the slippery and by now rigid frame of the creature. Unaware of the attention Fraser carried on rather more loudly..
"It's alright for you, you're dead, you.." Suddenly Fraser appreciated the fact that he had an audience and straightened up quickly. Colour rising rapidly he tipped his stetson to his fellow residents and attempted an explanation. "Good evening Mr Mustafi, Mrs Gomez, I was just er.." Having decided that this was just another one of the Mountie's eccentricities his neighbours withdrew quickly and doors slammed round him.
"Oh dear." Benton sighed, opened the door to his apartment, ignored his father, and kicked the snake into the room - right into Diefenbaker who was attempting somewhat hypocritically to play the faithful hound waiting for his master.
"Good catch!" grinned Fraser's father peering round the door. Dief whined, barked and made for the open doorway. Fraser slammed the door behind them with some vigour, then he slid wearily down the frame and contemplated the source of his woes. Was the thing cursed? Was he? He reached into his pocket for a hankie to mop himself down and discovered the rather sodden map he had stashed there. He unfolded it carefully and laid it beside him. It was an interesting map, worth pursuing he was certain and X did mark the spot, but for now he was too tired to care. Tomorrow he was sure he could involve Ray yet again in his Mountie machinations.
3.
"No Fraser! No! Look man I told you yesterday I wasn't interested
and nuthin's changed my mind since then and that's final, over and out,
capisce?."
Ray had not budged from this position for over half an hour now, over
half an hour of Fraser's best persuasive efforts and the Mountie
was beginning to fear he was losing his ability to lead Ray by his not
inconsiderable nose. Ray simply couldn't care less, he was leaning back
in his chair scowling morosely. Obviously last night's date had
not gone well.
"Did your date go well last night?" inquired Fraser rather foolishly.
"Nah Fraser, it wasn't going to work. I mean she's like into kinky stuff, really kinky." Ray shook his head sadly. Would he ever find the right woman, and if he did could he manage to - a) ensure that she survived long enough to find out or b) find someone who lived and worked in Chicago or was at least willing to move?
The Mountie's eyes widened, inviting Ray to share further. Ray lowered his voice and continued. "I mean she wanted me to um dress up, like a, a lumberjack.." Ray swallowed. Fraser frowned, puzzled. "Well Ray that's not really very *unusual*, perhaps a rather odd choice of costume but.."
Ray shook his head vehemently and lowered his voice even further so that even Fraser, with his famed Mountie superhearing, had to bend to catch his words. "Underneath, the uh lumberjack gear..uh..she uh..OK She wanted me to wear suspenders and a, a bra."
"But Ray I wear suspenders." Ray's eyes widened considerably. "Oh those kind of suspenders as in stockings, ah! I see, and of course a bra would probably be rather er *uncomfortable* for you, with your chest hair and.."
"Fraser" said Ray in a normal tone of voice "You're babbling again." Fraser stopped, a blush was spreading rapidly across his face. "Yes Ray." he said meekly.
"A bra?" said Frannie who had snuck in behind them. Both men whirled round. Frannie, ever ready and willing to really embarrass her brother in public continued for the benefit of those hard of hearing folks in the Outer Hebrides. "You're wearing a *BRA* Ray?"
An extremely interested silence descended on the 27th Precinct. Elaine ducked quickly behind her computer monitor and Detective Huey reluctantly handed over $50 to Detective Gardino.
"I am NOT wearing a bra!" yelled Ray excitable as ever. "If anyone would be wearing a bra it would be him!" Ray gestured towards the horrified Mountie "After all he's done it before." Frannie's eyes stood out on stalks, obviously Ray had never brought her up to speed with the St Fortunata incident. "I can give you her number if you'd like Benny boy." Ray snickered at Frannie and Fraser's expressions, perhaps his day wasn't going to be too bad after all.
Detective Gardino handed back $50 to Detective Huey and dug in his wallet for another $50. Elaine peered over the top of her monitor enjoying the view.
At this point Fraser gave up. He had to be back at the Consulate anyway for more statue duty. He quickly exited the building and set off to walk the route. No way was he going to ask Ray for a lift. Resentment simmered within the Mountie's serge clad breast, but he masked his feelings as usual, helping 2 stray dogs, 3 stray cats and a lost one-legged banjo player on his way. At least it would be peaceful on guard duty thought Fraser, in full Pollyanna mode.
4.
"Constable Fraser!" yelled Inspector Thatcher. "Umm ma'am" quivered Constable Turnbull, "He's not here at the moment, he had to go out and I believe..eek! What's that?!" he shrieked as Inspector Thatcher flourished the lifeless body of the python at Turnbull, who promptly fell backwards over Fraser's wastepaper bin. Luckily Mounties are a notoriously hard headed bunch and the Inspector felt a few more missing IQ points would not be noticed in Turnbull's case.
Constable Fraser bounded into his office breathing heavily, he was 4.6 seconds late! Unable to halt his momentum he crashed into his superior officer who was leaning over the prostrate body of her other *favourite* Mountie. Suddenly the Dragon Lady found she was the rather squashy filling in a Mountie sandwich.
Ten minutes later: Inspector Thatcher's office.
Fraser's patently furious superior officer, vigorously brushed her hair back into its normal rigid shape and began to outline her plans for his future, such as it was:
"..I was going to give this assignment to Turnbull, but after today's events... You, are going to beg to go back on sentry duty. Sentry duty will seem like paradise compared to what I have in mind for you constable!"
An exceedingly pale faced Benton Fraser exited the Inspector's office shortly thereafter, closely followed by the body of the python which struck him accurately and heavily in the small of his back. "And take your *pet* with you." came her parting shot. This only served to emphasise to the distraught Mountie how much sharper than a serpent's tooth it was to have a thankless boss. <<sorey>>
5.
<I can do this. I am a Mountie> Fraser reminded himself, ignoring Dief's sniggers as he dutifully strapped himself into his costume. <You can do this. You are a pillock> All too clearly he imagined Ray's voice echoing his own true feelings. The mirror did not lie and he could swear his reflection was laughing at him too.
As the Mountie left his apartment block his overly sensitised ears picked up every cruel comment and ribald jest made at his expense, although actually even the hard of hearing would have picked up most of them. Dief had refused point blank to accompany him - he was enjoying himself though - this certainly made up for the woolly bonnet incident. For, as part of a community relations exercise, no doubt dreamt up by a *suit* spending too much time doodling or whatever, the Canadian Consulate was providing its very own road traffic safety *superhero* - Benton Fraser - Mooseman!
Fraser clunked down the street dressed in a costume which was far too tight for him, having been meant for Turnbull's slimmer figure. His antlers seemed in imminent danger of falling off which meant constant checking and his red and white cloak caught every gust of wind, threatening to strangle him and boy was Chicago living up to its reputation today. As revengers went Margaret Thatcher was in a league of her own.
Several hours public humiliation followed as he played crossing guard outside a local girls' school, whose entire population seemed to want to cross the road rather frequently for some strange reason. The vehicular public however only wished to add Mooseman to their tally of roadkill. <At least Ray's not here to see this> thought Fraser, erroneously as it turned out.
"Say cheese for the birdie Fraser!" cooed Ray from behind. "Inspector Thatcher called me" he explained "she wanted pictures of your posterior or posterity or sumthin', and oh yeah she did mention something about waiting for a photographer from the Chicago Guardian. Wow Benny she *really* must hate you. Still you'll get your picture in the paper again." Ray smirked, this was one publicity show he certainly didn't feel jealous about. Fraser could have all the glory.
6.
It was pouring again by the time the Mountie returned to his apartment. Ray had given him a lift back in the Riv, unable this time to resist Fraser's pleadings, despite the costume becoming disgustingly saturated since the photographer had turned up 45 minutes after the rain had.
Wishing to distract Ray's attention and his own from recent events Fraser invited Ray up to look at the mysterious map. This time Ray agreed, he was off duty and couldn't really go home since Frannie had invited several of her girlfriends to a lingerie party and had banned him on pain of certain *revelations* from returning till about 11.00 pm. Ray retrieved his emergency non-decaf coffee stash from the glove compartment and followed Fraser up the rickety stairs to 3J.
A poem beautifully transcribed in red gothic lettering ran round the edge of the map:
Patience be your virtue
Only bear in mind
If you do remain true
Seek and ye shall find.
Sounds of fighting and of fury
Order those around you
None shall be your judge and jury
Dreams' rewards be due.
At the door a sentry waits
Victorious in alliance
Rashly though he separates
Inured to gross reliance
Leaving justice to the Fates.
"And what" groaned Ray seated at Fraser's sole table, "does that mean? Like I care."
"Oh, the poem's not important Ray" said Fraser in muffled tones - he was still struggling out of his costume. "Oh Ray - could you hand me my scissors please - they're in the left hand drawer." Much snipping sounds followed and shortly thereafter the soggy, tattered remains of Mooseman's costume flew through the air and splatted one very surprised wolf.
"You shoulda ducked Dief." said Ray grinning. Dief whined and shook himself dry. "Hey wolfie watch the suit!" yelled Ray. Fraser emerged from his walk-in closet, ignored the squabble, strode over to the map and began to study it intently. After a few minutes Fraser turned to Ray strange excitement gleaming in his cool blue eyes. "Come on Ray I think I know where this leads."
"Nah, s'alright I already *know* where it leads" replied Ray between bites of a chocolate sprinkled tiramisu flavoured doughnut he happened to have handy.
"You do? That's remarkable, er I mean.."
"Trouble" said Ray, "Trouble with a capital T."
7.
"This way Ray" urged Fraser some little while later. His powers of persuasion had fully recovered since Ray now stood at the gates of the cemetery with a slowly dawning and rather too familiar <how did Fraser get me to do this> expression on his face.
"I do not know how you hypnotised me here, but it had better be good. What is it with you and this map anyways? What do you expect to find - a lost goldmine? Only this time Benny a little more care with the boomerang eh?"
Fraser shot an exasperated glance at his unofficial partner and best friend, <and Ray called *him* irritating!>
"No Ray. We are here to uncover positive and incontrovertible proof that Canada won the War of 1812."
Ray rolled his eyes. Took a deep deep breath and thought about all the things he could say. But hey, Fraser was his best friend wasn't he, and the Mountie was acting like a man possessed. Better just humour him. "Sure Fraser" said Ray (kindly).
"Look at the map Ray, where the skull and crossbones are - the trident symbol beside them. These are the symbols of Yellowbeard the pirate or rather US privateer, who as you know.."
"Who as I *don't* know..cut to the chase Benny." interrupted Ray impatiently, then with a sudden glint in his green gold eyes "pirate, as in treasure kinda pirate? This I like. Lemme see that map."
"Now Ray I know you are not really interested in material wealth.." began Fraser as Ray lunged for the map.
Ray shot Fraser a very old-fashioned look and began muttering to himself.
"OK, that's the gates of the cemetery..hmmm...31 steps East" Come on Fraser what are you waitin' for, Christmas? Coz I think it's just come early." With that Ray began pacing out in the direction he fondly assumed to be east.
"Uh Ray" said Fraser, "Ray! - this way." Fraser waved his compass at Ray and pointed in the opposite direction.
"OK Mr Wilderness" puffed Ray catching him up.
28 paces North, 31 paces West and 1 pace South (of course) and X indeed marked the spot, or rather a tree into which Fraser, overly distracted by Ray's gargantuan spending plans, blithely and painfully marched.
"It's a larch Benny!" said Ray helpfully, implausibly well up on tree recognition.
"Oww!" said Fraser clutching his nose "thad hurd.".
"Look on the bright side Benny it coulda been worse"
"Huh?"
"It coulda been me." grinned Ray.
8.
Fraser entered his apartment backwards taking care not to damage the small heavily padlocked wooden chest he and Ray had eventually retrieved from beneath the tree. Ray had gone off to search for suitable and highly illegal lockpicks. Fraser had refused to let him blow the locks apart, mainly on historical grounds. Privately however the Mountie still felt more than a little twitchy where Ray and guns were involved - especially in close proximity to himself.
There was an unexpected visitor standing at the stove.
"Constable Turnbull, what are you doing here?"
"I believe that if you have studied my personal file you will have
discovered my hobbies include calligraphy and cartography." replied
his subordinate cryptically.
Turnbull turned and smiled fondly
at the scarlet fish sizzling in the frying pan. Pity about all those
little bones. Still what was herring without them?
"Would you care for some poisson d'Avril?"
"What?!"
"You are familiar with the term "acrostic" I presume...Do you have the map on you? If you could just hand it over, I shall endeavour to enlighten you."
"What?!!"
"The map - you will notice that taking the first letter of each line of the poem spells out
"poisson d'Avril, which as you know..." Turnbull turned his attention back to the fish for a second then back to face the increasingly incoherent Mountie,
"...means..." here Turnbull took a deep breath and with immense satisfaction
completed his
"APRIL FOOL!!"
fx <thud>
THE END
Note:
1. Due not worry animal lovers, Turnbull acquired the snake from a pet shop where it had died of natural causes after a long and relatively happy life and all the rats it could eat.
2. Due not worry about Ray, Ray fans, for he too was in on the "joke", just not too many of the details since
3.Turnbull thought it up all by his lonesome.
Moral of the Story: Never underestimate the underestimated.