Standard Disclaimer: due South and it's characters belong to Alliance. I just use them for fun. Hopefully they will return to their world unharmed and ready for other people to play with them.

WARNINGS: R/Humor/Vulgarity/Generally Bad Taste All Around

PAIRING: Benton Fraser/Francesca Vecchio

Originally posted to RedSuitsYou@onelist.com

This is a response to MegFraser's challenge to use the word penis in a fic 57 times. Hee hee! I think I used it sixty times. Let's all play count the penis! Special thanks to my beta MegFraser (who also gave me the title) & to Lucky13 for a great line.

TEASER: Is Ben really like the other guys?

War & Penis

Ray, Huey and Dewey stood in a corner of the bullpen talking in low voices. "I swear to God on my mothers grave. The guy standing in the shower next to me had a penis like a dog!" Huey looked at Dewey in disgust. "It's not a dog penis, it's an uncircumcised penis." "What kind of penis is that?" Ray laughed. "What do you mean? You don't know?" Dewey shook his head. "No!" "Geez Thomas. It's when they take your penis and chop off the foreskin. When you're a baby and your penis is little is when they do it."

Dewey grabbed his crotch. "Ow! My penis hurts just thinking about it! You mean to tell me that all of us have a piece of our penis cut off?" "Yeah." "That is way too gross. Why do they do it?" Huey smiled smugly. "They cut off the foreskin of your penis for sanitary reasons." "And what do they do with the piece of penis that they cut off?" Huey made a face. "They throw that part of the penis out you idiot!"

Dewey looked over at the door on the other side of the room, nudging Ray in the side. "Hey look. It's Fraser. Do you think 'his' penis is...you know...been cut like my penis?" Ray stared at Fraser as he walked towards them. He had never seen Fraser's penis. Not even when he was in the hospital. Fraser was so shy that he never even let Ray see his ass let alone his penis. What type of penis would he have?

Fraser cautiously approached the trio on the other side of the bullpen. Was it his imagination or were they all staring at his crotch? Fraser stopped and looked down, his face turning pink as he expected to find his jophers undone and his penis hanging out for the entire world to see. He blinked in surprise. Nothing was amiss. No fly open. No penis. Fraser looked up again at them and made his way slowly across the room. His apprehension growing the closer he got to them.

"Good day gentleman. Ray." They still stared at him and he noticed Dewey looking once more in the area where his penis was. "Uh Fraser. Can I ask you a question?" Fraser didn't know whether or not to answer him. All three of the men were acting very peculiar. He hesitated and then said, "Yes you may Thomas."

Fraser began to fidget with his stetson. Dewey was playing with a pencil in his hand as he spoke, looking at the sharpened point. "Uh...does your...is your...oh what the hell!" Dewey looked straight at Fraser. "Is your penis cut?" Fraser's eyes went wide and he turned beet red. "Cut?" He managed to squeak out his reply.

"Yeah cut! Did you have your penis circumcised?" All three of the men looked at him waiting for his reply. "That is...well...I mean..." Ray grinned. "Benny. Your penis is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have a penis. What's the big deal?" Huey grinned at Fraser too. "Yeah Fraser. We all have a penis. Why can't you tell us if you've been cut or not?"

"Uh...well...my private region is not a matter open for discussion. If you wish to talk to me about a current case or some other matter at hand I will gladly converse with you." Dewey smiled. "Yeah. His penis is like a dogs. It ain't cut." Fraser looked at Dewey in shock. *How does he know?* Huey slapped Dewey on the arm. "How do you know what his penis looks like?" "Hey. He won't tell us so he hasn't been cut. He doesn't want to be different than us. Well...anymore than he already is."

"That's enough Dewey." Ray glared at him. "Just because Benny's afraid to tell us if his penis wasn't circumcised it doesn't mean anything is wrong with him. He is breaking the law though." Fraser looked at Ray with a confused expression. "I'm breaking the law by not having a circumcised penis?" Ray chuckled. "Yeah it's a violation of the penal code. Got you Benny!" Fraser looked down at the floor. "That was not very nice Ray!" "Yeah. But now we know your penis has never been circumcised.

Francesca had been walking close by the group of men unnoticed and heard what Ray had said about Fraser's penis. "What!? She shrieked out. "Oh dear Lord!" Fraser wanted to crawl under a desk. Francesca's voice carried through the bullpen. "Your penis hasn't been circumcised?!" She grabbed hold of Frasers arm. "Frase. Is it true what they say about guys like you. I mean guys that have a penis like you?"

All four of the men stared at Francesca. "Huh?" "What?" Fraser closed his eyes and stood still. *Please. Let this all be a dream. I am not here. This is not happening to me.* "Frannie. What do you mean guys with a penis like Benny." Francesca's hold on Fraser became tighter as she saw the other women in the bullpen walking closer to them. "You know. A guy that has a penis that hasn't been cut. Well...they're supposed to be really great in bed. The erection lasts longer and it feels really good because of the foreskin moving all around on the penis as the guy strokes in and out..."

"That's enough Frannie!" "Well you all wanted to know! I'm just telling you!" The other women in the bullpen now surrounded the little group. Francesca notice them and narrowed her eyes. "Back off! I found out about his penis first!" They scattered away not wanting to face her wrath. She did hear about his penis first and and it was a fair claim.

Francesca smiled sweetly and Fraser cringed. "So Frase. Is your penis any good or what?" "Frannie leave Benny alone!" "Oh butt out Ray!" She pulled Fraser away from the group. "Is your penis big or little? Do you have a name for your penis? Oh come on Frase don't be shy. Guys like you should use your penis all the time or it will go bad."

Fraser squinted at Francesca. *Is she nuts?* "Go bad? Where did you hear such nonsense? My penis hasn't gone bad and I haven't used it for..." Fraser closed his eyes again. *Shut your mouth Benton.* "Oh you poor thing! You haven't used your penis in a long time have you? Don't you at least pull your penis once in a while? I mean come on Frase. Give the thing some exercise if you're not going to use it!"

Fraser tried pulling away from Francesca but her grip on him was like a vise. "Oh come on Frase. You gotta use your penis. What's wrong with a little sex now and then? An occasional blow job would do your penis a world of good." Francesca looked down at his crotch and Fraser quickly blocked her view with his stetson.

She stomped her foot. "Loosen up Frase! Is it big? Does the foreskin get in the way when you're gettin' a blow job?" Fraser could only stare at her in amazement. *How can she stand there and ask me these questions? She isn't embarrassed in the least!* Fraser felt the heat radiating from his body. He knew that his face must be resembling his serge by now.

"No Francesca. My...well...there have never been any problems with my penis...performing...well...any...oh dear!" "Oh dear nothing. How about you and I take a little walk Frase. Maybe I can...take a peek at your penis and decide for myself." Fraser could see little stars floating in front of his eyes. *Did she just say she wanted to see...my penis?* Francesca pulled Fraser down the hall.

"Just one little peek at your penis and I'll leave you and it alone." "No you won't!' "I won't take a peek at your penis or you think I won't leave your penis alone once I see it?" "Francesca my...penis...is fine without you seeing it." "Oh come on Frase. I promise. Just let me see your penis. I've never seen a penis that has never been cut. Please!"

"Please let go of me Francesca. My penis is fine. I do not need you or anyone else looking at it or touching it." "Did I say anything about touching your penis? No. I just want to see it. Come on. Pretty please?" Fraser stared at Francesca. *She is not going to let me go until she has seen my penis!* Fraser was starting to get irritated. "Fine! I will show you my penis if you promise to leave me alone!" Francesca yelped in delight. "Yes!"

Fraser quickly pulled Francesca into a closet in the hall and began to angrily undo his jophers. He yanked them along with his boxers down to his knees. "There. Here is my penis. Now take a good look at it because this is all you're ever going to see of it!" Francesca gaped in awe at Fraser's penis. "Oh my God! This is really nice! Your penis is so...different?" Francesca looked at Fraser with a gleam in her eye as she maneuvered to block the door. "So Frase. Ya' wanna' blow job?" *Oh dear!*