Don't Run! It's only
3pages! Don't know where this is going, or why it's going there, but
I am a believer in fate, and I'm bored as hell. At this point, I have
no idea what the plot is. I'll take a walk with Cody, and see where it
leads me. I swear to God, that dog is my muse [POST WALKING DOG] Oh,
and you're probably thinking "What the *hell* does 'holes in the
floor of heaven' mean?" It's from a Steve Wariner song. Now, I don't
listen to country, try Brit Pop and the like, but ClipTrip came on MuchMusic,
and I changed the channel, and came upon the song.One more thing. I don't
know who wrote that song, but I didn't and neither did you. More notes
after the story. But *don't* look at them until you're done, or the surprise
will be wrecked. TYK.
Holes In The Floor Of Heaven™ Ashley Sametz, 1998
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ray Kowalski rubbed his
sore eyes. He paced aimlessly around his apartment, and finally collapsed
onto his bed. The only light was coming from his stove light, dimly illuminating
the apartment. He had been too distraught to do much after the funeral.
He didn't cry, there didn't seem any point, but there was no mistaking
his sadness. He wasn't speaking much, and he overheard his unofficial
partner mention to Lt. Welsh that he had never seen him sit still so
long.
He looked
at his watch. It was 1:32 a.m. His body was tired, he had been running
purely on adrenaline the past few days, and he knew he was going to crash.
Maybe I should call
Benny...nah..he'd probably tell me about some Inuit burial
ritual anyway....forget it.
Ray rolled over onto
his stomach, and buried his head in his arms.
...I should have told
her...why do I always do that? Not say anything because I'm afraid
of looking stupid...not that it hasn't happened before, but...
His body told him that
he needed rest, but his mind was operating on a totally different plane
than his body. He knew he couldn't get to sleep, despite how tired he
was. Oh sure. He could get into bed, and shut his eyes, but what good
would that do? If he fell asleep, he would dream, and go through the
process of loosing her again.
...I can still smell
her blood....Why did I have to be there? Why did she have to die
right there, in front of me....why couldn't I save her? Why did
I just watch? Why did I just hold her? Why didn't I say anything to her...?
He was suddenly over
come with a feeling of nausea. He breathed deeply for a moment, regaining
control.
He slowly sat up. He
would keep asking himself the same questions, and he needed something
to occupy himself before he lost his mind. He got out of bed, and turned
on his radio, wondering what would be played at 2 in the morning.
"..Ti amo, Ti
amo.."
The moment the first
bars were sung, Ray could feel his heart collapse.
"Shut up!"
he cried to the radio. "Not now!" He did not want to
hear that song right now. His vision was blurred by the tears, and he
moved the dial blindly. HE came upon a slow song he had never heard in
his life. He walked to his couch, and fell into it, his body convulsing
with each sob. His head hurt, his eyes hurt....his heart hurt. He couldn't
stop crying.
He lay
like that for what seemed like forever. He finally sat up, and cupped
his head in his hands. He let out a shaky breath, and shut his eyes tightly.
He got up a moment later, and wandered again. He wanted to talk to someone,
tell someone how much he had loved her. Without realising it, he had
opened a drawer, holding an assortment of junk. He peered into it.
"Hey, batteries..."
he mused. He forced a smile, and wiped his eyes. He continued pawing
through the drawer. Not being aware of it, he had pulled out paper, and
a pencil. He began to write.
'I don't know where this
letter is going, but there's no one around to talk to, and if I write
something I don't like, I can erase it, unlike speaking. And I need
to get this out.
I
want to start of with I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you these things, but
I never knew how. I guess now that you're gone, it doesn't matter, but
I needed to tell someone. I loved you. I mean really loved you.
Did you know that? Did you know I wanted to spend the rest of my life
with you? Maybe a few kids...
If
I wasn't pretending to be your brother...this would have been a hell
of a lot easier on me. Did you love me like I was your brother? Did you
love me at all, or was I just some annoying guy that made dumb remarks
to you? You know, the old cliché is true: If a guy likes you,
he bugs you all the time. You're the only other person besides Stella
I've ever bugged, you know that Franny?
There
are so many things I wish I could have done with you Fran. I wished we
could have danced, and laughed together. I wish we could have gone out,
and acted like lovers, not siblings. I wish that I could hold you when
you were frightened, or worried, or when you just needed holding.
Franny, I don't know
if I believe in heaven, but if it exists I'm sure you're there. And I
hope you know what I'm writing. I always seem too late. Too late to tell
someone something...to late to help you. When you were shot Franny, I
wanted to help...but I..I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I was scared,
maybe I was in shock, maybe because I was too upset to do anything. Do
you know what I was thinking when you were laying there? I was thinking
that I had failed you. You never talked about your brother much, your
real brother, but I'm sure he did a hell of a better job protecting
you. I messed up Francesca, and I'm going to have to live with it for
the rest of my life. I'm so sorry Franny. I do wish it was me who had
been hit, and not you. You didn't deserve it.
I
don't know if I'll ever show anyone this letter....I don't know what
I'm gonna do with it when it's done. Maybe I'll give it to your brother
when he comes back. Do you think he'll be angry at me for not taking
care of you like I should have? Do you think he'll forgive me? I wouldn't.
I'm sorry Franny.
I'll never forget you.
I miss you.
I love you.'
He lay back down on his
bed, staring at the ceiling. He could faintly hear the radio in the other
room. He listened to the song drifting through his apartment.
"...'Cause there
are holes in the floor of heaven...and her tears are pouring down....
that's how I know she's watching, wishing she could be here now. And
sometimes when I'm lonely, I remember she can see, 'cause there are holes
in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me...."
Ray rolled over onto
his side, and looked out the window.
A light rain began to
fall.
Ray smiled. "Love
you Franny."
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Authors Notes
Ha! I bet you thought
it was Stella, didn't you? Well, up until the point where Ray made the
mentions about the brother/sister thing. TYK to my brother, who may be
an ass in a golf shirt, but he knows all the words to almost every country
'sawng' out there(and he listens to hip-hop. Go figure). Also, to Katie
Schrank, who I dump *all* my ideas on. Even though she doesn't appreciate
the finer points of DS, but she finds Callum attractive, so I let her
live.
This story
is dedicated to: Everyone who has lost someone, and regrets not telling
them something. But it's mostly for my friend Ivana Ricci, who lost her
cousin last year and seems to trust me to listen. I always will Vaughn,
don't worry.
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