The sound of the gunshot was thundering in his ears as he fell. It seemed to take forever to hit the floor, even longer for him to turn his head, searching for his best friend in the knot of people struggling on the floor near him. It would have been easier if Fraser had been wearing his red serge, but today was one of the Mountie's rare days off, and he was wearing jeans and a long sleeved T-shirt. He managed to roll onto his side, trying to get ready to join the brawl, when the mass collapsed and began to resolve itself into its component parts. It must have taken all of thirty seconds... it had seemed like a lifetime.
Huey was the first to stand, automatically reaching for his cuffs while Watson and Carter got out of the way. That left Fraser and the stranger who had started all this in a close embrace on the floor. For a moment they didn't move and Ray's heart seemed to stop, then to start again with a sickening thud when Fraser lifted his head and looked towards him. He began to get up, carefully, so that Huey could step in close to cuff the man.
Ray instinctively looked around for the gun. It was a few feet away, out of reach. Good. By the time Ray had hauled himself to his feet it was all over. Fraser started towards him, but was intercepted by a group of officers and civilians who surged forward to exclaim and congratulate him on his daring rescue. Ray backed away and then leaned against a desk, folding his arms across his chest and watching sardonically as the Mountie had his back slapped or his hand shaken by everyone in sight. He even got a hug from Elaine. Not that she'd be too upset at having an excuse to do that, he thought snarkily. Finally all the fuss died down, Huey led the handcuffed man off to the cells, someone else retrieved the gun for evidence. Ray went over to his desk and picked up the keys for the Riv, ignoring the fact that his hands were shaking so badly that the keys were rattling. He made for the door.
"I suppose you want a ride home Frasier" he called back over his shoulder. It sounded grudging, even to him. Fraser and Elaine exchanged an eloquent look and Fraser hurried over to join him, picking up the leather jacket he'd dropped on the floor earlier.
"Well, yes. Thank you kindly, Ray."
"Least I can do for such a hero" said Ray sourly.
*
Ray pulled over to the curb, but left the motor running. It had been a very silent ride to Fraser's apartment. Ray hadn't run a single stop sign, he'd even used his indicator on every turn. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, Fraser looking at him with a troubled expression.
"Aren't you coming upstairs?"
"No."
"I'd really like to talk..."
Ray turned his head just far enough to see that Fraser looked determined to have that talk. He sighed. He really didn't want to do this, but it didn't look like he had a choice. He turned off the ignition, but couldn't bring himself to get out of the car. He waited.
"Ray, why are you angry with me?"
"Angry? Who's angry? You're a hero. Thanks, Frasier."
"Ray, please. Don't you know, after all this time, how important your friendship is to me? If there's something wrong, I want... need... to know."
"There's nothing wrong, OK?" He was almost shouting. He took a deep, shaky breath and started again. "Look, you saved my ass, but it made me look kinda stupid, you know? I'll get over it."
"Ray, I just can't believe that's the real reason."
"It's the only reason you're going to get!" He was shouting again. Damn!
They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
"Ray, please..." His voice was soft, pleading. If he didn't go soon Ray was going to scream.
Finally, after another long silence, he gave up.
"All right, all right... I'll come upstairs." Better to be off the street, God only knew what was going to happen.
*
They went up the stairs in silence. Ray fell behind. He just knew that Fraser was going to stand back and let him in the door first, and when he did, Ray was likely to deck him. He was in no mood for Canadian politeness today.
Fraser opened the door to the apartment, but seeing that Ray was only halfway down the hall, he went in first. He was standing just inside with a worried, caring look on his handsome face when Ray came through the doorway. It was all the provocation Ray needed. He grabbed two fistfuls of Fraser's leather jacket and shoved him back, hard, against the wall.
"What the hell did you think you were doing? He had a gun for chrissakes! What is it with you? You have to rescue everybody? You could have been killed!"
"Ray, he was going to kill you."
"You shoulda let him!"
There was a shocked silence. He hadn't really meant to say that... had he? Ray swallowed, feeling sick and shaky. Getting angry hadn't helped after all. Benny's hands caught his arms, steadying him a little.
He couldn't meet Benny's eyes, but he stole a glance at his face. It didn't help, he couldn't decipher what he saw there. They stood, neither of them moving or speaking, just listening to the shaken breathing, the pounding of their hearts. Finally Benny spoke.
"You don't mean that Ray." His voice was trembling.
"Don't I?" Ray's was harsh.
Benny's hands tightened on his arms.
"Dear God, why?"
He couldn't stand this... better to tell the truth, to get it over with no matter what the consequences.
"You nearly died once before because of me... if you had... if it happened again..."
He could hardly say the words, it was too painful even to think about it, especially the first few days when they hadn't know if Benny would survive. He gasped as the hands on his arms clenched painfully and he was given a fierce shaking.
"Ray, I can't believe you could be so selfish..." Selfish! Startled, Ray looked up and saw the same mixture of pain and fear on Benny's face that he knew was showing on his own. "...how do you think I'd have felt if he'd killed you, and I hadn't done anything to try to save you?"
He lowered his head, closing his eyes to hide the betraying tears stinging his eyelids. The adrenaline rush he'd managed to create with his anger had left him now and only his grip on Benny's jacket was keeping him on his feet. He swayed, and Benny's hands shifted to his shoulders, supporting him. He realised that he was leaning heavily against Benny, his hands trapped between them, his head nearly on Benny's shoulder, but made no attempt to move away.
"I'm sorry, Benny..." He only just managed to get it out. Please, God, let him be satisfied with that.
He had no idea that he had whispered the words aloud until Benny lowered his head, his cheek brushing Ray's, to ask what he had said. That fragile contact took his breath away and he didn't even try to answer. Benny lifted one hand to cradle the back of Ray's head, maintaining that contact, his breath warm on Ray's throat and Ray realised that his own trembling had concealed the fact that Benny was no steadier. If it hadn't been for the wall behind them, they both would have fallen. Benny whispered his name, his voice breaking, but still he couldn't respond and Benny seemed to accept that, sliding his other hand down Ray's back, between his shoulder blades and holding him close.
*
After a while he was able to breathe a little more easily and to think... and to wonder if he'd given too much away. Maybe it was still possible to get himself out of this. Ray straightened, having to push against Benny's chest to do it, but at least able to support himself again. He even managed to look Benny in the face. The hand on his back came up to partner the one on the back of his head so he wasn't able to look away again. He realised he was still holding on to Benny's jacket, but since the only place he could think to put his hands was around Benny's waist, he left them where they were.
Benny's eyes searched his face. Whatever he found there must have satisfied him, because he leaned towards Ray, and for one wild moment Ray thought Benny was going to kiss him. He didn't. Not quite. But their lips were scant millimetres apart.
"Benny?"
He sighed, his breath warm on Ray's lips.
"I'm sorry if this offends you Ray..."
Their lips scarcely touched. Both of them were so strung out that even that slight contact made them pull back nervously, but the second attempt was more successful. They exchanged light, caressing kisses for a long time, neither daring to push it too far, both too bruised by the afternoon's events to want to take that kind of risk. After a while Ray realised that his hands were in fact around Benny's waist, that Benny didn't seem to mind at all and that T-shirt material was a poor substitute for warm, silky skin. He gently eased the T-shirt out and slid his hands underneath, holding Benny just above the waistband of the jeans. His skin was just as warm and silky as Ray had always thought it would be. Encouraged by Benny's acquiescence, he began to explore the muscular back, stroking gently, until his fingers encountered a puckered area of scar tissue. He froze.
"Ray, it's all right. Please... don't stop."
"Oh God, Benny, I'll never forgive myself for that."
"You have to. I've forgiven you.... long ago."
And to prevent any further discussion Benny placed his lips firmly on Ray's, silencing him very effectively. This time they allowed the kiss to deepen, need overcoming fear. Lips parted, tongues explored, breathing quickened.
One of them - they could never agree, later, who it was - eventually realised that they would be more comfortable on the bed. They stumbled towards it, losing Benny's jacket on the way. At the last moment Ray turned, pulling Benny around so that he was the one who fell across the bed, with Ray on top of him. Ray brought his hands around under the T-shirt to lightly caress Benny's chest, hearing a faint gasp as one of his fingers brushed a nipple. Benny was touching him too now, through the thin silk shirt. Ray pulled back just enough to allow him to undo the buttons, his fingers shaking so badly that finally he just took the two halves of the shirt front and pulled, sending buttons flying, and yanked the shirt off Ray's shoulders.
From Ray, Detective Armani, came not the slightest protest, he was too busy trying to remove Benny's T-shirt. Eventually they were able to coordinate their efforts enough that each of them was able to achieve his goal. Ray sank down until he was stretched along Benny's body, shuddering with pleasure at the feel of that luscious skin against his own, enjoying the sound of Benny moaning under his breath. An insistent pressure against his thigh and another in his groin warned him that more extreme measures would soon be necessary, but for the moment he reveled in the sensuous delights of Benny's touch, taste and scent.
He could feel a constant tremor in the body beneath his, growing stronger with every second, and decided to help it along with teasing kisses all over Benny's chest, only gradually zeroing in on the small pale nipples. Benny cried out at the feel of Ray's lips sucking with increasing urgency, and instinctively ran his hands down Ray's body to draw him closer with two hands placed firmly on his buttocks. Ray pushed his hips forward, grinding into Benny and lifting his head to watch him, relishing the passion showing stark on his flushed face.
He lowered his head again to trail kisses down Benny's torso to the waistband of his jeans, glancing up for permission before he slipped the stud free and unfastened the zip. He slid the jeans down a little and paused to admire the outline of Benny's penis beneath the thin white cotton boxers. He kissed the shaft through the cloth, feeling its heat, the throb of the large dorsal vein, longing for the taste of it in his mouth. Every moments delay was an exquisite torture as he slowly eased the boxers off Benny's hips, drawing them down no further than was absolutely necessary before claiming his prize.
*
The light was fading when Ray finally woke to the feel of Benny's heart beating slow and steady against his cheek. Carefully sliding free of his lover's arms, he raised himself up on his elbow and studied the gorgeous body modestly, if scantily, covered by a corner of the sheet. He grinned, not needing to remove the sheet. He knew, in minute detail, exactly what it was covering. Benny, asleep, looked like an angel... like a fallen angel, he thought, with a great deal of satisfaction.
Tempted by the sweet curve of a pale cheek, he reached over to touch it with a gentle fingertip, but drew back at the last moment, desire in conflict with a reluctance to risk disturbing his love's rest. God knows, after what's happened today, we both need some rest, he thought, but somehow it was impossible for him to go back to sleep. His whole body seemed to be alight with a kind of joy he had never really believed to be possible until now. He told himself it was enough just to look. Then Benny stirred, opened his eyes, smiled radiantly up at him... and he knew it wasn't, and never would be.