Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Drama/Romance Rated R (m/f, some swearing)

An Answered Dream

By SL Haas

(Copyright December 1996, revised June 1999)

October 1984

Ben experienced similar ebbs and flows to his emotions. When he was with Phil, he felt complete, at peace with the world--in short, happy. But apart from her he felt alone. The loneliness gripped his heart and tortured his mind. He loved Phil. He loved her as he had never loved another person. After much soul-searching and a frank evaluation of his feelings, he could see only one solution to this dilemma: marriage.

But what did he have to offer her? He had been a Mountie for a little over three years: no seniority, no established position. He had no home of his own except, possibly, his father's cabin. His job would probably keep him apart from his wife a significant part of the year. The life of his father was like that. Could he ask Phil to share that kind of life? Here she had a home, a prestigious job, friends. Could he ask her to give up all of that? For what?

Still, the thought of never seeing her again set his body to shaking. A future without Phil was too bleak to consider. She was truly the soul mate Cat had told him he would eventually find--the one who could love him more than she could 'Cat, why didn't you tell me it would hurt this much?'

And the effect his imminent departure was having on Phil--he could see her heart breaking each time he held her in his arms. He was helpless to prevent it and it hurt him to see it. He didn't realize the pain he felt was his own heart breaking.

* * *

The days sped by. Tomorrow, he would leave for Canada. Phil had distanced herself from him again. He could see the pain she felt when they were together. He couldn't blame her for shutting him out. But, he was leaving tomorrow.

He said his farewells at the party the Rocky Mountain Rescue group had thrown for him. He was touched by the small gifts his friends had given him and by Darryl's declaration to the effect that if he ever got tired of Canada, he had a job with RMR.

Ben placed the last of his clothes in his duffel bag. He reached for the book of short stories Phil had given him. He opened it to the inscription:

He closed his eyes and lovingly caressed the cover of the book. His mind's eye replaced his fingers with Phil's. It fell open to a poem and he noticed Phil's handwriting in the margin.

Ben smiled. He obediently thought of Phil as he read the opening stanza of the poem.

He closed the book. He could read no more of the poem. His eyes burned with unshed tears. He remembered well the night by the fireplace; Phil curled protectively in his arms, when they had read that particular poem. How could he not think of her whenever he read it?

He placed the book on top of his clothes and closed the bag. Hoisting his pack and the bag, he left the room that had been his home for six months. One last look and he closed the door. He had one more task to accomplish before he left tomorrow. He felt his pocket. Good, it was still there. Throwing his bags into the taxi, he gave directions to Phil's house. She wouldn't be home yet, but he could wait. He had waited all summer. A couple of hours more was nothing. Life in the Territories had made him a patient man.

Phil simply existed day-to-day. She had ceased to live when she said good-bye to Ben at the party and asked him not to see her after that. She couldn't be with him more than a few minutes before panic set in. She refused to let him see how badly his imminent departure was affecting her. She would not cry in front of him again. She did have some vestiges of pride left. Fat lot of good it was doing her!

The last two days with no Ben had been the darkest of her life. Nothing compared with her feelings of loss and helplessness. Not even the hatred of her father had hurt her this much. She drove home in a fog of despair. She decided to play her piano until her hands would no longer move, numb her mind, and pray for sleep. Maybe she could get back to some semblance of normal after tomorrow. Maybe after Ben climbed aboard that plane and was really, finally, physically gone she could patch together the pieces of her life and begin again. The pieces of her heart would go with Ben.

She pulled into her driveway and entered the house. Standing in the entrance she could see Ben and TJ rolling on the floor. She saw Rob and Ben arm wrestling. She saw Ben sitting with her at the piano or stretched out on the floor in front of the fireplace. She saw him everywhere--even out on the deck with his back turned to her as he gazed down toward the river. Only this image didn't dissolve--didn't disappear. She opened the patio door and watched Ben turn to her. Tears dimmed her vision and fogged her glasses. She discarded them on the way outside.

Ben's eyes swept over Phil noting her state of mind. He held his arms out to her and was rewarded when she slid into them. She clung to him and buried her face in his shirt, listening to his heartbeat.

"I couldn't leave you, Phil, not the way things are between us. We still have some things to work out."

"What's to work out, T? We both knew this day would come and now it's here. Tomorrow you go home to Canada and I stay here." He could feel the sobs she fought to suppress.

"It doesn't have to be that way, Phil."

"What do you mean? You have your duty and your job to return to. I have my job here. How could it be any other way?"

"You could marry me."

She stiffened in disbelief. She could do what? Surely she hadn't heard him right. Phil raised her head to search his face. There was tenderness and love and desire glowing in the depths of his glacier blue eyes. "What...what? I...I..."

"You heard me right, Phil. I've thought about this long and hard and it's the only solution I can see--the only solution that keeps me from dying inside. I love you and the thought of not having you is tearing me apart. I want you to be a part of my life forever. I don't ever want to be without you..." He couldn't continue--not because he didn't want to but because Phil had him in a liplock that erased all his well-rehearsed words. His hands molded her body to his and he felt his denied yearnings blossom. Pulling apart from her, he stepped back to the deck rail and leaned against it. Phil stood where she was and made no move to follow.

"Does that kiss mean yes, or are you just teasing me? Phil..." He removed something from his pocket and dropped to one knee. "Philippe Henry Sheridan McKenzie, will you marry me?"

Phil stared at Ben, down on one knee, asking to marry her. Where was the despair and heartache she had had a moment ago? What was this warmth, this tingling, this soaring peace that enveloped her? She took a step forward and dropped to her knees in front of Ben. She framed his beautifully sculptured face with her hands and gently kissed him. "Yes, T, I'll marry you." She breathed across his lips, "What took you so long?"

His arms slid around her and he held her body pressed against him as if he wanted to fuse it with his own. "I don't have anything to offer you. I've got very little money, no house, not even a stable position. All I can offer you is my life and my love."

"T, if I have those--I don't need anything else." She kissed him as fervently as he kissed her. There was no holding back.

Slowly he disentangled his arms from around Phil. He grasped her hand and slid the ring from his pocket onto her finger. It was a plain gold wedding band. "This was my mother's ring. Dad gave it to me when I turned 18. He told me to give it to the woman I married. I'm giving it to you."

Phil's hand was small but the ring fit perfectly. She couldn't speak around the lump in her throat. She shook her head and closed her eyes.

"If you don't like it I can get you a different ring." The anxiety in his voice caused Phil to lift her face to his and claim another kiss.

"No, Ben, it's beautiful--it's perfect. I know how much it must mean to you and knowing that you are sharing it with me...I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. I shall always cherish it. But, I can't wear it until we're married."

"I know." He dug in his pocket again. He took the ring from her finger and placed it on a gold chain then hung it around her neck. "I have worn this chain and ring for several years. I'd be honored if you would continue to wear it for me."

Phil held the ring in her hand. She closed her fist over it. "I will never take it off, T--until you place it on my finger permanently."

Ben's hands cupped hers holding the ring. A tear slid down Phil's cheek and fell onto his hand. "Phil, there's no need to cry!" He put his arms around her and held her close.

"I know, T. I'm just so happy that it scares me! I don't want anything to destroy the happiness I have right now." Ben smiled and continued to hold her.

Phil finally broke away from Ben. "My knees! I'll have bruises for weeks!' They laughed and climbed to their feet. "I've got to call Rob and TJ."

She paused and an anxious expression clouded her face. "Are you sure about this, T?" She turned away from him shaking her head. "I must be dreaming. This isn't real. I'm going to turn around and he'll be gone. You're losing it, Phil! You're finally losing your mind." She moved to the patio door and leaned her forehead against the glass.

Ben couldn't believe his ears. Phil was actually talking herself out of accepting the situation as it was. She thought she was hallucinating--his proposal was a figment of her imagination. She wouldn't believe him. After all this time, she still refused to trust him--to believe him. He had held his anger in check as she had struggled with her emotions, but this was the last straw. He strode over to her, swung her around, and shook her--shook her hard.

"Phil, I have had enough of your doubts. You have doubted everything--me, you, my feelings, your feelings, my love, your love. How do you think I felt each time you doubted my feelings or me. I love you. Don't you ever doubt that again. I've asked you to marry me--to share my life and you still doubt me? What more can I do? What more do you want?" He was furious.

Phil was speechless. She wasn't dreaming the hands shaking her or the harsh words directed at her. If this wasn't a dream, then it had to be real. She listened to his diatribe, guilt washing over her as she realized just how selfish she had been. What more could he do? What more did she want?

"T, please stop shaking me before I barf on you!"

Ben was completely thrown off guard by this declaration. "Barf? What the hell does that mean?"

"It means if you don't stop shaking me, I will forcibly empty the contents of my stomach all over you." The shaking stopped. She sagged against him. "I'm sorry, Ben." She looked into his eyes--icy blue with anger. "What more can you do? Hold me and forgive me. What more do I want? Your patience and understanding. Believe it or not--you've stumbled on my biggest flaw: self-doubt. I'm surprised TJ or Rob didn't warn you."

"Does this have to do with your father?" A startled glance to his face was slowly followed by a nod of her head. Ben's voice gentled, "Understood. TJ filled me in."

"I know it's stupid, but I still doubt myself. I've always found it hard to believe that you wanted me over all the other women you know. I'm nothing special, Ben." She saw the denial in his eyes and placed a finger over his lips to silence his words. "T, I'm realistic enough to know that I'm not pretty and that I have a caustic personality. It's been so hard for me to believe that you were really interested in me. I've been so unsure of myself all along. I still can't believe this is really happening." She trailed her fingers down his cheek, "Are you real, Ben?"

"As real as the cold of an arctic winter--as real as the sun shining down each day--as real as the blue of an Alberta sky--as real as my love for you. Please, Phil, don't ever doubt that love."

"Only if you're there for me when I need you--and..." there was a twinkle in her eye, "...I have a feeling I'm going to need you a lot!"

He laughed and pulled her to him. His arms encircled her waist and began their circular motions on her back. He nuzzled her neck and whispered against her skin, "Phil, you are beautiful." He raised his face to hers and cupped her face in his hands, "Your face glows with a warmth that shines from those dark, brown eyes...I could lose myself in them and never know it." He kissed her lightly on her eyelids. "You have a smile that twists my insides into a knot. Every time I see your smile I..." He groaned and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "You have a keen mind, a sharp wit, and a warped sense of humor, and you're not afraid to used any of it." He smiled at her. "I find it hard to believe that you love me."

Phil smiled back and pulled his face down to hers. They kissed long and deep, their tongues moving in an ancient dance. Neither wanted to stop but there were calls to make.

The first call was made to Canada. Ben was in luck; his father was at the post when he called. "Dad, how are you?"

"I'm fine, Son. Why are you calling? Aren't you supposed to be back on duty by now?"

"I'm returning tomorrow, Sir. I'll be at my new post on Monday."

"Where are you being posted?"

"I'm going to Kamloops before being posted to a more remote station."

"That's a fine place--a little too citified for me, but you'll like it there. Now what did you call about, Son? These phone calls can be expensive."

"Dad, I wanted to introduce you to someone who's become very special to me."

"Introduce me to someone? What's going on down there in the States?"

"I've fallen in love, Dad, and I wanted you to meet Phil: Dr. Philippe McKenzie."

"PHILLIP! My god, Benton, don't tell me you've fallen in love with a man. If that's what you're trying to tell me, you might as well hang up the phone right now. I'll have none of this..."

"Dad, Dad, calm down...Phil is most definitely not a man..."

"Not a man?"

"No, Sir."

"But...the name?"

"I know, Sir. The name fooled me the first time, too. It's a long story. Suffice it to say her father was an American Civil War historian. All his children were named after Civil War generals."

"But...Phillip? For a girl?"

"Philippe Henry Sheridan McKenzie to be exact. The only concession he made was in the spelling."

"Oh dear!"

"My sentiments exactly. Dad, I've given her Mom's ring."

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "You're serious, then, about this woman?"

"I've never been more serious or sure of anything in my life."

Bob Fraser paused once more, "Then introduce me." Bob waited a moment while Ben turned the phone over to Phil.

"Hello, Sergeant Fraser? I'm pleased to finally get to talk to you. Ben has told me so much about you." Bob heard the hesitancy in her voice, the slight tremor...he smiled. The gentle tones reminded him of his Caroline.

"That's quite a bit more than he's told me about you. Well, Philippe..." He paused, "You've bagged quite a catch there. Can you handle him?" Her throaty laughter pleased him.

"Please, Sergeant Fraser, call me Phil..."

"Only if you call me, Bob."

"Bob it is--and yes, I think I can handle this 'puppy' here. I love him and I want you to know that I'll do my damnedest to make him happy."

"Damnedest?"

"I'm sorry, Sergea...Bob. My brothers have tried to break me of swearing but sometimes the words just slip out."

"I imagine you've let slip quite a few since meeting my son."

"Well, I have to admit to a higher than average usage of them since he showed up."

"Good girl! Sometimes a direct word is what it takes to get through to him. So...he's let down his reserve with you. It's about time. He's always been so standoffish--not open and outgoing like Rebecca. He hasn't let himself love anyone since Cathy Madden. Has he told you about her?"

"Yes, he has. I can hardly wait to meet her. She sounds like a wonderful person."

"Oh, she is and I'm sure she'll love you as much as my son seems to. I look forward to meeting you. When will you be coming up?"

"I don't know. We haven't discussed specifics yet."

"Don't let him drag his feet. Now, Phil, promise me one thing..."

"Just name it, Sir. If I can, I will."

"Love him and make him happy like my Caroline did with me."

"That's a promise I can make!"

"Good, now let me talk to my son again." Phil returned the phone to Ben and listened as he made his farewells.

The other calls were placed. Rob and TJ grilled Ben a little before giving their heartfelt approval. Becka and Phil shared some memories of Ben with each other. By the time they were finished Ben was blushing a bright red.

"I can hardly wait to meet your family, T. I think I love them already. Are you going to call Cat and tell her?"

Ben shook his head then gave her a quick kiss. "I'm going to stop by her posting and tell her in person. That's the only way she'll believe me."

Phil laughed and gave him a quick hug. "How about some dinner?"

"Now that you mention it, I am hungry." The look he gave her let her know his hunger was for something other than food.

Pretending to ignore the message in his eyes, Phil said, "Great, I've got the fixing’s for spaghetti. Care to lend a hand?"

They worked well together in the kitchen. Each anticipating the others needs. Things were going well until after they had eaten and were clearing the dishes away. Ben loaded the dishwasher as Phil packaged the leftovers and stored them. As she carried the spaghetti sauce to the refrigerator Ben turned and bumped into Phil. She slipped and the sauce went flying. Phil found herself sitting in the middle of the floor with gooey stringers of 'tomato sauce with a careful blending of herbs and spices' running down her hair, a startled look on her face.

"I'm sorry, Phil. Are you all right? Let me help you up!"

"I'm okay, T, just a bona fide mess." She carefully wiped a glob from her face and felt sauce running down her hair and plopping on her shoulders. The front of her blouse and slacks were a soggy red mess. She watched as more of the red sauce ran down her arm and dripped on the floor. Ben leaned against the cabinets and held his sides trying desperately not to laugh.

"I'm sorry, Phil, you look so...that is..." His voice trailed off as the laugh he tried to contain won free. He saw the murderous look on her face and tried to quit. In a strangled voice he said, "I'm sorry, Phil, I can't seem to stop," and he laughed again.

"All right, you can finish in here as well as clean up this mess while I shower and wash my hair!" Ben helped her to her feet and watched as she stalked out of the kitchen and downstairs to her bedroom.

Phil held her shirt out away from her body. Rather than get clean clothes now she would wait and dispose of these dirty ones first. That way she wouldn't get sauce all over her clean things.

She headed to her bathroom. Flipping on the radio, she complained to the empty room, "Just great--this is just great! Time I could be spending with Ben I'm spending washing spaghetti sauce out of my hair. How could I have been so clumsy?" She slipped out of her clothes and tossed them in the sink. They would have to soak. She stepped into the shower and turned the water on. She stood under the showerhead and let the water flow over her face and head, then reached for the shampoo and lathered her hair.

Ben quickly mopped the red mess from the floor. He straightened and moved to the stairwell. Gliding down it, he entered Phil's bedroom. He could hear the shower running and the radio playing. It was time to finish the task he had set for himself. He took a deep breath to steady himself and quickly shed his clothes. Naked, he entered the bathroom and approached the shower stall. He could see Phil's indistinct form, back to him, standing under the stream of water. The music from the radio masked the sound of the stall door opening and closing.

Phil loved the feel of the hot water cascading over her skin. She closed her eyes and ran her hands first through her hair smoothing it back out of her face, then down her neck to her shoulders. She felt the chain with the ring and followed it down to her breasts then on to her hips. She turned to let the water beat on her back and reached for the soap. Her hand encountered and slid over a bare wet chest. Her eyes flew open to behold Ben--her eyes roved downward—a very naked Ben in her shower. Before the shock could wear off, Ben took her in his arms and drew her body to his—bare skin to bare skin. The feel of the silky skin of his chest against her breasts sent waves of scorching heat through her mind and body. A tingling feeling begin to coil in her belly.

Her arms went around his neck and she pulled his face down and captured his lips. She felt his tongue stroke her lips before delving into her mouth in search of her tongue. The kiss would have continued longer, but both participants needed air.

Ben ran his hands down her water-slickened back and kissed it then moved to the other. Phil's hands moved to thread her fingers in his hair. Ben retraced his path to her mouth with kisses.

"Ben..." He cupped her face and stared into brown eyes darkened to almost black and smiled. This was the woman he loved and knew that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Only this time, nothing would come between them. He smiled at her and reached for the soap.

* * *

Much later Ben lay in Phil's bed holding her close to his heart. Together they had shared the burning flames of passion, had soared to new heights of ecstasy, and had found the other half of their souls. Now they lay entwined sharing the afterglow of love.

Ben kissed Phil's forehead. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what, T?" Phil sleepily replied.

"That you were a... you know, a..."

"... virgin?" she supplied.

"Yes. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did--several times."

He raised up on one elbow. "When? I don't remember discussing this."

"I told you that I could never give myself to anyone just because I wanted him. I needed more. T, you're the first man who ever took the time to get to know me--who even wanted to know me. Every time I pushed you away, you came back. Why did you do that? No," she placed a finger to his lips, "I know the answer to that." He kissed her finger and smiled at her. "Ben, you are everything I ever wanted in a man. I won't go into the details--your head is big enough as it is!" He grinned at that and kissed the palm of her hand. "You have turned my life upside down and I can never be satisfied with my life the way it was before you came along. It's hard to describe how I feel..."

"It's like a part of you was missing and now you've found it. You are finally whole--complete--and you can never go back to being that partial person you were before," Ben finished for her.

"Exactly. Without you I'm a partial person. I exist but I don't really live. I have waited my whole life for you, T. You brought me to life. You're the man I love and will marry. I have given you my heart. It's only natural that I should give you that one part of myself that can only be given once. I know it sounds trite, Ben, but I was saving myself for you."

Ben leaned down and gently kissed her lips. He looked into her eyes, shining with love for him and knew that he was finally done with loneliness. "Phil, I don't want to leave you--now more than ever."

"I don't want you to go either, T." She slid her arms around his body and held him close. "But you have to go back. You're Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP. I will not ask you to give up such an important part of your life."

"What about you? I can't ask you to give up your life here! Your home, your friends, your job..."

"T, my home will be where you are; your friends will be my friends; and my job..." She took a deep breath, "I do have a commitment to honor. But, all you have to do is send for me and I will finish out my commitment and then I'll join you. Surely someone in Canada can use the services of a geologist."

"I promise you, Phil, as soon as my position stabilizes, I send for you."

"I can live with that. Now, however, I suggest we make some more memories."

Ben groaned. "I'm marrying a woman with an insatiable appetite!"

Phil laughed at him. "When it comes to a certain Mountie, he can 'mount' me anytime!" Phil's laughter was cut off by Ben's lips descending on hers. The memories they made that night would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

To be continued (?)

Copyright January 1997 by SL Haas

Revised June 1999

Fraser’s Secret