Author's webpage: http://www.sirius.com/~lshapiro/vanity

Author's disclaimer: So utterly not mine in any way.

Author's notes: Thanks to Te for Happy UnBeta, Spike for inspiration, and Dawn for showing me the light.

TITLE: Beautiful Goodbye
AUTHOR: Laura Shapiro
RATING: PG (ohmygod)
SUMMARY: Hee. I finally get to do a summary that says "____ does some thinking." In this case, it's Ray Vecchio. SPOILERS: Burning Down the House
ARCHIVE: Sure, but keep my name attached FEEDBACK: laura@humandesign.com
DISCLAIMER: So utterly not mine in any way. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks to Te for Happy UnBeta, Spike for inspiration, and Dawn for showing me the light.

You wanna know something ironic? I've been tracking you.

Okay, so maybe not exactly tracking. I mean, it's not like I'm trying to hunt you, catch up with you, take you down. I'm just sort of...watching. And not all the time. But the incredible thing is, you haven't even noticed.

I mean, this is me, city boy, watching *you*, the guy who can smell a suspect's shoe polish from twelve blocks away.

Yeah, the smell thing was hard to figure out at first. But then I figured, I gotta change my name, my clothes, my hair, my associates (these guys don't say 'friend' unless something seriously bad is gonna happen), might as well change the aftershave. Shampoo. Soap. All that stuff. Cuz this new guy I'm trying to be probably wouldn't be using Aqua Velva, you know what I'm saying?

Anyway, I guess it's working, because you haven't caught me. Not that I'm hanging around the precinct, or walking past your apartment all the time -- that would be dangerous. For both of us. But every once in a while, in the course of, you know, business, I end up in your neighborhood. And lemme tell you, it's the first time I've ever been happy about your choice of neighborhoods.

And from a ways away, far enough that you're mostly just a red blob, I sometimes see you walking Deifenbaker. A smallish white blob, and a biggish red blob, but it's so obviously you, because no one else *walks* like that. And everyone else walks their wolf on a *leash.*

So I kind of skulk, I guess. I mean, I did learn a few things from you. Okay, a lotta things. You haven't seen me, you haven't heard me, and thanks to Brut, you haven't smelled me either. Even Dief isn't on to me.

I'm not really sure why I do it. I mean, even with the precautions, it's still a risk. Maybe it's just because I feel like I never really got to say goodbye.

That phone call. God. I *really* didn't want that to be the last time I ever talked to you. It makes me squirm just thinking about it. I was trying to tell you without telling you. You must've hated it. And especially after...

No, I prefer to think of the last time we actually *saw* each other. Before you went on vacation. August. Almost a year ago, now.

You didn't wanna go out that night. You were leaving the next morning, handed me some BS about wanting to "prepare for your journey". Ha! As if I didn't know you only owned about four things in your whole crappy apartment, and you weren't even gonna take all of them with you. So I insisted that *I* would prepare you for your fucking journey.

"Come on, Benny," I said. "Lemme show you a night on the town, give you something *nice* to tell your Innuit pals back home."

And then you gave me that smile, that smile of yours like a gift, and the fact that you give that smile to everybody only makes it more valuable somehow. "All right, Ray," you said.

So I did. I took you for a good old fashioned steakhouse dinner at Mortons, where you ate like a civilized marine but wouldn't let me get you drunk. That didn't stop me from having a few, and finally you had a glass of wine, and you looked so...what's the word...like some kinda cultivated wine snob, swirling it and sniffing it -- I almost laughed. But seeing you enjoying something like that, well, I was just glad for it.

You told me one of your crazy stories, and then I watched you feed Diefenbaker the scraps, wondering if you'd ever looked at another human being the way you looked at that wolf.

We were supposed to go see a show that night, I had good tickets, but we'd missed the curtain, so I dragged you off for a nightcap. I don't know how, but we ended up in my old neighborhood, and it felt kinda good to be back there. Home. Safe. And it was warm and muggy, coulda cut the air with a knife, but that felt nice too, somehow. Not too sticky, just sorta cozy.

And you were playing it safe in that dive of a bar, my friend, having one drink for my three. Like you were letting me get looped on purpose so I'd tell you a secret that you knew already but you wanted to hear me say it. But the funny thing was, you were the one who told me.

I was pretty messed up when we left, and I think Dief noticed cuz he was walking close to me like he wanted to protect me. But you were close too, so maybe that's why. I remember you were holding my arm, the roughness of your coat under my hand -- I couldn't have been so plastered that I needed you to hold me up, because I remember every minute of that walk, remember thinking, how can he wear that thing in this weather, remember both of us laughing at some dumb joke, remember asking you

"So whatcha gonna do on your vacation, Benny?"

"I'm not really sure, Ray. Whatever the spirit moves me to do, I suppose. The Yukon has a way of bending people to her will. It's best not to make too many plans."

I couldn't let that sit, for some reason. I wanted to *know*. It was strange enough imagining what Benton Fraser might do on a vacation (it sure as hell wasn't going to involve fruity drinks with umbrellas in 'em), but it was more than that. I wanted to know, so I could think of it while you were gone.

"See family?" I pressed. "Friends? Go hunting? Rescue a few good-lookin' damsels in distress?"

You were smiling right along until I got to the damsels, and then your face caved in in that way it does whenever women are mentioned, and I felt like a heel.

"Aw, shit, Ben. You don't hafta tell me if you don't want to." Then the sidewalk pitched a little and my nice steak dinner was giving me warning signs like I was gonna see it again if I didn't sit still. I stopped. "Unh, I think I need to --" I leaned against a building for a minute.

"Ray, I think you are experiencing the effects of overindulgence in alcohol. Would you like me to get you some coffee?" But your hand was on my shoulder, warm and heavy, and even if I wouldn't have puked at the smell of coffee, I didn't wanna send you running after it, right then.

I took some deep breaths. "No...no. I'm okay. It'll pass."

You looked so serious, so *concerned*, I had to look away. I just concentrated on breathing for a while.

"Ray, I've been thinking."

"About what?"

"About the Yukon."

Figures. "Okay, Benny. What have you been thinking about the Yukon?"

"She can be unforgiving, Ray. Dangerous. It's possible that --" I turned toward you again, and you had the look you get when you're willing a thought not to be there. You still had your hand on my shoulder, and I felt you tighten it, just a little. But you looked down, not at me, and you said "I'll miss you, Ray."

I wasn't queasy anymore, but suddenly I thought the night was just a little *too* warm.

"I'll miss you too, Benny." I don't know why I didn't just make some dumb joke, but I didn't. And it was a good call, because you looked at me then, and sorta tightened your hand again, and smiled.

"Are you all right now, Ray?" Your eyes were shining. You were probably just happy I wasn't going to puke on your shoes.

I took another deep breath, and covered your hand with mine. "I'm all right now, Benny."

And then there was some kinda negotiation involving whether I needed your help to walk, and it gets pretty muddled after that, but I think you put me in a cab. The next thing I remember I was waking up in my bed with my mouth tasting like the bottom of a birdcage and a hammer pounding in my head.

My clock said 10:43, and I knew you were already gone.

END

Beautiful Goodbye

by Amanda Marshall

Fed up with my destiny
And this place of no return
Think I'll take another day
And slowly watch it burn
It doesn't really matter how the time goes by Cause I still remember you and I
And that beautiful goodbye

We staggered through these empty streets Laughing arm in arm
The night had made a mess of me
Your confession kept me warm
And I don't really miss you, I just need to know Do you ever think of you and I
And that beautiful goodbye

When I see you now
I wonder how
I could've watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye

In these days of no regrets
I keep mine to myself
And all the things we never said
I can say for someone else
Cause nothing lasts forever, but we always try And I just can't help but wonder why
We let it pass us by

When I see you now
I wonder how
I could've watched you walk away
If I let you down
Please forgive me now
For that beautiful goodbye