Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.
The lyrics to Possession by Sarah McLachlan are used without permission.
Rated PG (angst)
Benton's Secret
By SL Haas
(Copyright February 1997 Revised June 1999)
Listen as the wind
From across the Great Divide.
Voices trapped in yearning,
Memories trapped in time.
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide.
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied.
And I would be the one to hold you down.
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away and after I'd
Wipe away your tears.
Just close your eyes, dear.
I. DENIAL
V
ictoria...I stand here and stare out the window. I see snow falling even though I know it's not possible. Spring is in the air and the snow is long gone. Yet...I see snow.
I thought I saw you today. Ray and I were running a few errands...actually, Ray was helping me run a few errands. We had just picked up that vacuum cleaner I'd had repaired and were walking towards the car when I caught a glimpse of someone I thought was you. I called your name and ran toward you. I guess I didn't call your name aloud for you never turned. Instead you disappeared into that mall. Was it even you?
Has loneliness finally caught up with me? I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into this blackness of despair. Did I see you today? Did I imagine seeing you?
Diefenbaker reminds me that it's been a long day and I agree with him. A hot shower would feel good but the plumbing is uncooperative and the shower doesn't work. I guess I will have to be satisfied with a 'bucket' bath. Sometimes I agree with Ray that this place I call home is a dump. But, it's only temporary. I don't plan on living here forever. Someday, I will go home.
If I close my eyes, I can picture the clear, blue skies, the endless stretches of snow, the pristine forests of Canada. Home...I want to go home. I hate Chicago. I hate the 'big city' lifestyle. I long for the simple honesty of the people of the far North. Sometimes I feel so lonely...so alone...I shake with palsy. Only Ray's friendship has kept me sane. If I didn't have him I don't know what would happen to me.
Ray...he has become my anchor in this insane world. He knows and loves this city like I know and love the northern wilds. But...as much as his friendship means to me, as much as I have come to depend on him...he can never fill that emptiness that exists in my soul. Even when I'm with him there's a part of me that is alone...lonely. Once, a long time ago, before I met you, Victoria, that emptiness was filled. Once, a long time ago, I wasn't lonely. Once...a long time ago...
Lying here on my bed I see snow. I close my eyes and I see you. You stare at me accusingly and ask "Why?" Then you turn away and leave. Did I see you today? I don't know if I did. Am I just imagining you? Am I seeing you, too? Just as I've imagined seeing her? Just as I've imagined seeing Phil?
Phil...
Ever since I lost her, I've felt incomplete. I threw her love away for you, Victoria. I threw away my most precious possession for you. Can you even begin to understand what I gave up for you?
I had to turn you over to the authorities, I couldn't let you go. Even though you begged and pleaded with me, I couldn't forswear my duty. I can remember how you accused me of not loving you. How could I turn you in if I loved you? You didn't understand me then. I did love you. I loved you enough to break my engagement with Phil and promise to wait for you. No matter how long you were incarcerated, I promised to wait for you. Don't you understand, Victoria? We could never be happy together as long as you were a wanted criminal. I'm sorry, but I am what I am and that is a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman. How could I live with myself if I turned my back on what I am?
You never understood that about me, did you, Victoria? Phil did. She never questioned my duty. She never pleaded with me to stay with her and forsake my job. No, her only pleas to me were to send for her quickly and to love her as much as she loved me. I loved her so much and so deeply that I could not picture life without her... but...I...I never...I never sent for her. I met you.
I have lived with the guilt of my betrayal of her love for all these lonely years. What would my life have been like if I had not met you? I honestly don't know. I can only imagine that I would not have lived so many empty years alone and lonely. My life would have been filled with laughter and love and happiness. Phil filled me with peace and contentment. She soothed that frightened 'little boy' in me. She accepted me as I was and loved me for that. She never tried to change me, to make me do something that was contrary to my nature.
She was the other half of my soul. She lit my darkness and shaded my burning desires. Even now my body responds to her memory. How can I explain to you...make you see...how much I gave up for you? Surely I must have loved you more to give up Phil?
I dream of you, Victoria. I see your beautiful face, taste your kisses, and bury my face in your thick hair, yet...I feel cold when I'm with you. Your skin is icy, your lips freezing, your breath on my body is frigid and clammy. It's as if that darkness in you has spread and cloaks the air about you chilling everything you come in contact with. It's a soul-killing coldness and I think it frightens me more than anything I have ever faced.
I dream of Phil. I see her beautiful face, taste her kisses, bury my face in her thick hair and...I feel warm when I'm with her. Her skin is warm and silky smooth, her lips are passionate and tender, her breath on my body fiery and intoxicating. It's as if the glow in her has spread and cloaks the air about her warming everything she comes in contact with. It's a soul-enlivening warmth and it frightens me to realize that I threw it all away for you. How much more must I love you than I loved Phil?
I can't seem to shake this feeling of dread. I have known for several months that something was going to happen. I don't know what it is, but I know that my life will change forever. Does this feeling of dread stem from my loneliness? From my guilt over Phil? Or is it something to do with you?
I am convinced that the guilt and loneliness I have lived with is slowly destroying my mind. They say that humans crave companionship. Without that companionship, the human psyche becomes warped and eventually destroys itself. I have been alone for so long.
Euripedes wrote, "Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad." I am slowly being destroyed. My mind has begun playing tricks on me. I imagine things—people that can't be there.
I can pinpoint the exact day when my mind began slipping away from me. Ray dragged me to a Halloween party. There was this woman...and her voice was low and slightly husky...it uh...it teased my mind until I...until I thought I recognized Phil's voice. I buried my face in her hair but the scent was not of lavender. Was she Phil? I don't know. I lost the mystery woman in the crowd. I searched for her but she was gone. How could she have been Phil? Phil hated city life. No, Phil's still in Colorado--among the mountains and meadows where she belongs--where she and I shared a love that we
thought would never end. It didn't end, even after I met you. I just pushed it aside for you. I had to have loved you more to do that, didn't I?
There have been other instances when I thought I saw or heard Phil. She is ever in my thoughts. I long for her with a passion I have not known in many years. I thought I was over her. But how can I forget a part of me? How can I be complete when the other half of my soul is missing? I feel the tears burn at the back of my eyes. I feel the lump in my throat. I feel the knot in my stomach. I still love her. How much more could I love you? I gave up half of myself for you. I don't know how I can convince you of my love.
I had to convince Phil that I loved her. It's strange, lying here and thinking of both of you. Phil was always so unsure of herself and afraid that I really didn't love her. It took me months to convince her of my love. You, on the other hand, are so sure of yourself, of what you want, and you will go to any lengths to get it.
I remember that time we spent together during the blizzard--we kept each other alive. A bond was created between us. That's how I came to love Phil. She saved my life and a bond was created between us. That bond was the first spark of love. That spark slowly grew into a raging fire. But the bond between you and me, Victoria, it started like the gentle whisper of a snowflake but rapidly built into a blizzard. That blizzard quenched the flames of Phil. Your coldness overcame Phil's warmth.
I remember reading somewhere, probably in my grandparents' library, 'The fire which seems extinguished often slumbers beneath the ashes.' Little did I realize then that even though the flames of Phil's love were gone, buried under your snow, the embers still smoldered.
I thought I saw you today, Victoria. Oh, I wish I had! Maybe if you were here you could help me forget Phil--help me forget the mistake I made so many years ago when I chose you over her. I can't go on living like this, torn between my sense of duty and my loneliness. First I left Phil, then you left me. I know you had no choice in the matter. I know the role I played in your leaving...still, I have been alone for so long.
Staring out the window at the slice of night sky visible, my thoughts echo those of Sappho who wrote, "The moon has set, and the Pleiades; it is midnight, and time passes, and I sleep alone." Will I always sleep alone? Will I always be lonely? I need you, Victoria. If I am ever to have a chance at love, I know it will have to be with you.
Forgive me, Victoria, but I still love Phil. I have always loved her. I guess I always will, but I know I can never have her. I threw her love away for you. Surely that must mean I love you more.
Why do I feel so lost? Why does my heart ache? Why can't I go back to that time ten years ago when I was loved by Phil? To a time before I knew what true heartache was?
"Phil..."
* * *
Through this world I've stumbled
So many times betrayed.
Trying to find an honest word, to find
The truth enslaved.
Oh, you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath,
Your words keep me alive.
And I would be the one to hold you down.
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away and after I'd
Wipe away your tears.
Just close your eyes, dear.
II. BETRAYAL
Victoria...
Is it really you? Am I really holding you in my arms? Making love to you? I am so afraid this is a dream and I'll wake and you'll be gone and I'll be alone again. I feel your body beneath me, I feel your breath on my neck, I feel your lips against mine, I hear your voice in my ear. I'm so afraid that this isn't real, that I finally have lost my mind and I'm lost in a delusional dream. If this is a delusion that I've fallen into, I pray I never recover.
Yet...I seek a hint of lavender in your hair. I miss a huskiness in your voice, a lopsided smile. Why do I feel so cold? Why do images of Phil intrude? How can I think of her when I hold you in my arms? Surely I love you more than Phil?
Victoria...please, please help me forget her. Help me forget my lost love. Help me forget Phil.
Did I whisper her name aloud? No, I couldn't have done that. But that look in your eyes...I see the darkness creeping in. No, Victoria, please don't let the darkness come between us. I need you. Please, you're my only hope of love. Let me kiss the darkness away. Let me love you like there is no tomorrow. Let me make it up to you--let those ten years fade away. I love you, Victoria.
I love you, Victoria--my ice queen. Ice Queen? That was Phil's nickname. Why do I still think of her even when I'm with you? Ice Queen fits you, though. It never fit Phil. Even when she was her most distant and unapproachable I could still see the warm, loving person she was. But you...if I could choose only one word to describe you, it would be cold. I know buried somewhere beneath your coldness there has to be a heart. You just hide it so well.
Phil could never hide her feelings from me. Her eyes told me everything. I look into your eyes and all I see is darkness. What are you thinking? Do you love me? Why do I doubt that? Why does that frighten me? Why are you here?
I need you, Victoria. I need you to drive away my nightmares. I need you to consume my every waking thought. I need to know that I'm not going crazy. I need to know that you can make me forget Phil. I still imagine that I see her. When will it stop? Please, Victoria, make it stop! I can't stand not having Phil. Please, Victoria, stop my heart from breaking all over again. I can't have her...I can never have her...but I can have you. Please, help me forget her.
"Phil..."
* * *
Victoria...
How could you do this, Victoria? If you wanted revenge, why not take it out on me alone. Why Ray? Why Dief? They never hurt you. I'm the one who hurt you. Why hurt them?
You tell me that you love me. But how could you love me and do the things you do? I know what real love is. Love isn't hurting the one you love...love is giving everything for the one you love. Love is forgiving. Love is finding that one person who makes you whole, complete. Love does not destroy, but it can be destroyed. Is that what you're trying to do? Destroy my love for you? Or are you trying to destroy my love for Phil? Why are you doing these things? What dark purpose lies behind your actions?
You tell me that you will contact Internal Affairs and give them proof that Ray was a part of this. How could you do that? You also tell me, if I get your diamonds, you will clear Ray of the charges. Why do I not believe you? I will not let you hurt Ray any further. He's my friend. I know that you are trying to destroy that friendship. Why? He's no danger to you. Why must you destroy those I care for? Oh, I'm thankful that you don't know about Phil! What would you do to her? I am suddenly very glad that Phil doesn't live here. She's safe in the mountains where she belongs.
Phil...
* * *
Victoria...
I see the darkness in your eyes. I hear the coldness in your voice. You say you love me, but you still point that gun at me. I hear the words but I don't see the love in your eyes. All I see is the darkness of your soul. Do you love me? I'm beginning to doubt that. Do I love you? I'm beginning to doubt that as well.
I've tracked you to the railway station. I still want to believe the best of you. Why are you making it so hard for me? Victoria, I need you. You're my only chance for love. Please don't take that chance away from me. I have been lonely for so long. Don't you care for me?
The police are on their way. There's no escape. I can't let you go...yet I can't turn you in. I did that once before and spent ten lonely years paying for it. I can't do that again. I need you, Victoria. You're the only one who can help me forget Phil.
I told Dad you were the only woman I could ever loved. He knew I was lying. He looked at me and asked how I could love a woman like you. He didn't have to say a word. I knew what he had left unsaid--how could I love a woman like you when I could have had Phil. How could I explain to him why I chose you over Phil when I can't explain it to myself?
You've run from me again, Victoria. I've followed you to the railway platform. You won't stay with me. You beg me to come with you. I'm indecisive. I need you, but I know I love Phil. I will always love her.
The train is pulling away. You're leaving me. I hear you call to me. If I let you go I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I will never know love again. I can't have Phil. I need you, Victoria. I need you to help me forget her. I can't lose you, too.
I see Ray and Louis and Huey and Lt. Welsh. I can't let them stop you...or me. I'm coming, Victoria. I'm coming. Wait for me. I'll protect you and help you overcome the darkness in your soul. Your hand reaches for me...I reach for you--just a few more feet. Ray and the others are close now. I grab your hand and you pull me onto the car with you. We're together at last.
What is this I feel? What is this pain I feel? Why does my body suddenly feel so weak? I can't hold onto you! Victoria? Hold me tight...don't let me go! Victoria...don't leave me, don't leave me, again. I can't lose you like I lost Phil.
I see snow. Is it snowing? I'm lying on this platform watching the snow. I can't feel my legs. My mind wanders—I can't control my thoughts. They drift to Phil--my Phil.
If only I had made the right choice all those years ago. All of this wouldn't have happened. I should be with Phil, not chasing after you. I can't have Phil, the woman I know I love and, now, I can't have you, the woman I thought I loved.
Dad? Is it my time? Are you here to take me with him? I'm not ready to go, Dad. I'm not ready to die. I have unfinished business here. I can see the concern in his eyes.
Ray? I'm all right. I can see the concern in his eyes. Things will be all right. Ray? I need to tell you about Phil. Why is it so hard to speak? He leans down and places his ear near my mouth.
"I should be with her..."
"What did he say?" I hear Lt. Welsh asking.
I hear Ray's reply. I don't need a hospital. I need Phil. I should be with her.
The words of that poem you recited come to my mind. It kept us alive during that blizzard. The words echo round and round my mind. Phil would love that poem.
Phil...
* * *
Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread.
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread.
Oh, into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride.
"Cause nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied.
And I would be the one to hold you down.
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away and after I'd
Wipe away the tears.
Just close your eyes...
III. ACCEPTANCE
Victoria...
You never really loved me, did you? You used me...over and over...you used me. And I let you use me. I told myself it was because I loved you. I gave up everything for you--everything that mattered to me. Oh...I left Phil...I left my job...I left Ray...I even left Diefenbaker. I turned my back on everything I cared for and still that wasn't enough. You wanted more.
How could I have been so blind? I thought I loved you, but I was wrong. I was only lonely. I was afraid I would be alone for the rest of my life. I remember telling someone that sometimes it was easier to believe you were in love than to accept that you were alone. Now I know...I would rather be alone and lonely than be with you and still be lonely. You can never replace Phil. I will always love her. I was a fool to think you could make me forget her.
In a way I'm thankful that Ray shot me. Yes...Ray's the one who shot me. He thought you had a gun. When he visits me I can see the guilt and fear in his eyes. I've tried to tell him that I'm not angry with him, that I don't blame him for shooting me, but he doesn't believe me. He still blames himself for what happened. But...if he hadn't shot me I'd be with you now. Oh, how that thought frightens me! I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that, sooner or later, I would have killed you or you would have killed me.
I should be the one apologizing to Ray. I was leaving him...my best friend. He mortgaged his home to raise my bail. Yet...I was leaving him for you. He would have had to face the loss of his home, his job, his reputation...and all I could think about was leaving with you--hoping you could make me forget Phil. I would have shared my life with you--but that wasn't enough.
We shared a passion for each other, but that's all we shared. We are two completely different people. Perhaps, we are too different to have ever made it together. I could never have lived the life you wanted. I've been a policeman for more years than I care to remember--long before I joined the force. You--you're a hardened criminal. I thought you could change--that you wanted to change, but I was wrong. You choose to be the way you are--selfish. You don't care who you hurt as long as you come out on top. Oh, I wish I had never met you. Things would be different now.
It's strange. One of my doctors is Rob McKenzie, Phil's brother. I want to ask him about Phil, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to learn that she's found someone else. He never volunteers information about Phil or TJ, her other brother. The companionship, the closeness I felt with Rob and TJ is gone. He is like a stranger and I ache with the guilt and loneliness of lost friendships and almost-brothers. I miss the family I almost had. I miss Phil.
I'm tired. Sleep hovers on the edge of my senses. I want to give in to it. Maybe I'll dream of Phil...maybe she'll be mine once more. Maybe this time I'll make the right choice.
Phil...
* * *
Victoria...
I slowly awaken. Did I dream of you? I can't remember. Did I dream of Phil? I can't remember.
I feel at peace. For the first time in over ten years I feel at peace. Maybe I did dream of Phil. She was my peace. You never brought me peace--only pain, anger, confusion, and loneliness. She gave me love, happiness, fulfillment, and acceptance. I feel the smile tug at my mouth.
I turn my head. Ray's here. I don't know how long he's been here. Sometimes I fall asleep while he's here and sometimes he's here when I awaken. When does he go to work? I have never had a friend like Ray. Well, at least, not since Phil and her brothers and, of course, Cat Madden. Cat has returned to her posting in Moose Jaw.
He sits in that chair and stares at me. I smile at the bickering between Dief and Ray. They both claim that chair. Ray wins this round and Dief trots off to visit the nurse's desk. If I know him he'll be back with a donut or cruller. The nurses here have taken him under their wings. He eats better than I do! Ingrate! I just wish they would go easy on the pastries.
Ray discusses his latest case, the people at the precinct, his family...all the while that haunted look lingers in his eyes. I smile at him and tell him once again that I'm all right...that I forgive him for shooting me. It's not his fault that I got in the way. How can I explain to him that he stopped me from making the second biggest mistake in my life? How can I tell him that when I can't tell him about the biggest one? How can I tell him about betraying Phil's love for you? Could he understand that? How could he when I can't?
I guess the best thing for me to do is to not say anything. One dark episode from my past is enough to inflict on him. I'll just let him go on thinking that I'm pining for you, Victoria. It's easier than telling him the truth.
Darn, why did it take me so long to figure out the truth? Was it worth the ten long, lonely years; my career virtually destroyed; my best friend's career almost destroyed; Diefenbaker shot; and myself--almost dying? Was it worth it? Were you worth it?
I guess I'm just one of those people that has to learn by experience. Phil's love was too freely given. I just didn't value it for what it was. No, I had to seek a love that couldn't possibly work. I threw away the silk purse and kept the sow's ear. I chose the cold, winter bleakness of you over the warm, summer fervency of Phil. I chose your darkness over her light. I chose to be alone when I could have had Phil to cling to in the night. I thought you would chase away the nightmares, only to discover that you were my nightmare. Now all I have are my dreams of Phil--dreams of love and happiness... dreams of a time when I was whole.
No, it's better if Ray never knows the truth—never knows about Phil. It's better that he never knows how much I love her and miss her. It's better that he never knows the depth of my betrayal. It'll be my little secret. A secret I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life. I'll take it out at night...and in my dreams...I'll hold Phil in my arms ...breathe in the scent of her hair...kiss her crooked smile...and make love to her once more.
Phil...
FINI
Copyright March 1997 by SL Haas
Revised June 1999
Comments are welcome at
durango@ionet.net
Fraser’s Secret
(Book 1)