Song Cycle #4:

Blue Moon

WARNING: M/M, Some angst, much resolution (I _promise_! ;-) Nothing here that's gonna frighten the horses, though. <g> Probable mid-to-heavy sap alert. Follows "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "The Beat of a Different Drum," and "On My Own."

O.K., this time no song. <pauses while shocked gasps subside> I've decided I know way too many lonely, depressing, angsty songs, and I have to admit I really agree with Margie, who wrote me "It was good angst.... But now they should be happy <g>." So Happy Valentine's Day, all, and here's some _happy_ (quite possibly sappy) slash.

"Blue Moon" is included at the end just because I like it, and it kinda works, and it's such a Valentine's Day sorta song ;-)

I tried to shift gears into third-person as another way of avoiding the angst, but they just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I could only take the bitching and moaning so long, so I gave in. So shoot me.... <g>

Factual disclaimer: I have no earthly idea if what I have Benny saying about the Inuit is even remotely true. Unfortunately, I don't know any Inuit to ask, so I had to fake it. Please forgive my liberties with another culture's customs and feel free to correct me if you know better.

PG M/M this time-- only because, well, they're actually in the same place, talking face-to-face (or face-to-side-of-head anyway), and we're doing happy parts now. ;-) Never fear, nothing you couldn't see on the screen (well, if they'd show slash <g>)... and without even sending the kids out of the room. (Heck, this makes VS look like porn by comparison-- I'm just making sure people know what they're getting into.)

DISCLAIMER: Not mine-- (Goddess, I wish! ;-) No offense or trespass intended and no profit made, I assure you.

Blue Moon

You look so damned scared standing there.

"Benny?"

Our eyes lock for just a moment-- a moment that could have been forever for all I know-- until you look away. You give yourself a little shake, like you're settling yourself back into your normal calm, readjusting that careful shield against the world, and get in.

It's probably reflex, more than anything. The same reflex that makes me pull away and keep going down the street instead of turning into the driveway.

I probably could sit here forever, cruising the empty streets, just soaking up the feel of you being here again... if it wasn't for the memory of that panic on your face. I don't want to spoil this one, perfect moment, to end this tiny little gift that means all the world to me, but I have to know....

"Benny, what's wrong?"

You're just sitting there, eyes front, staring out the window like you're a million miles away. You're supposed to be, dammit, but somehow you're not....

"Is it Linda?"

You shake your head, a dismissive little gesture.

"No. No...."

Until you're caught short by a thought.

"Well, technically, I suppose.... No."

And the silence returns. Great, Benny, that's a big help. So if it's not Linda that's got you so freaked out, what else could it be? Oh no....

"Dief? Oh God! Something happ...."

"No! No, Ray, Dief is fine. I just left him in Canada. There was no point in putting him through quarantine twice in a row if...."

And as your voice trails off all I can think is that you're leaving again. Damn it, I knew that. So why does it feel like I was just kicked in the gut all over again?

"Then what is it, Benny?"

More silence. It's getting a bit much. I scan the non-existent traffic and turn left. And I'm thinking: so what else means that much to you?

"Oh geez, you didn't do something that...."

I see you look up in confusion.

"Canada didn't throw you out again, did they?"

And you're shaking your head again, like we're sitting here playing twenty-questions, for God's sake....

"No, Ray. It's nothing like that. This...."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see you straighten up your already perfect posture like you're trying to stand at attention.

"It's something personal."

"What?"

Even before I see you jump, I'm wincing at my own tone. But, Jesus, Benny! Why do you always have to do this? Why can't you just spit it out already? Can't you see what kind of torture this whole situation is for me?

I take a deep breath, hoping I haven't startled you completely back into close-mouthed, stoic Mountie mode, and try again.

"Look, Benny, you can tell me anything-- we're friends. You know that, right?"

A nod. A silent, formal, parade nod. I sigh into the silence I'm not at all surprised to hear. You obviously need to talk. I need you to talk. Someone needs to drag this out of you, and I guess I'm elected, huh?

"O.K., let's start at the beginning: Last time I heard you were headed for the wilds of Upper Pata-luk-"

"Paulatuk, Ray."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Paulatuk...."

I hang a right for no particular reason.

"...Never to return to this godforsaken country."

You open your mouth to politely object, but I won't let you.

"So why do I find you standing in the middle of a Chicago street at 2 a.m.?"

"Well the cab had just left and...."

"Benny!"

"I left something behind, Ray."

Wha...?

"Something you've come back across two time zones and an international border for in the middle of the night?"

"Yes, Ray."

My mind is racing but nothing I can come up with makes sense.

"I didn't think you had anything worth all that."

"I... I did. I just don't know if I still do."

It's so instinctive I barely notice, except for the momentary relief I feel. Some tiny, aching part of me watches as I focus in on the problem to be solved, the mysterious missing article to be recovered. A case, a thing, no feelings, no pain....

"Well you cleaned out the apartment before you left, so what are we talking about here? Something at the consulate?"

We turn onto Lake Shore Drive-- I guess even new habits die hard, huh?-- and I look over and you're still staring out the damn windshield. What's happened, Benny? Why won't you look me in the eye?

"Benny?"

A small quiet sigh.

"I'm not sure that I should tell you, Ray."

"What?"

By this point my head's starting to ache and I'm starting to remember why you sometimes used to piss me off so much....

"I'm afraid that I made a mistake in returning here...."

And it's all forgotten as your words give me this horrible, sick feeling. I want to tell you I don't care, it doesn't matter, you're back and that's enough.... But, oh God, I should care, because you haven't really come back and this is only going to make it harder, so damn much harder.

"What do you mean, Benny?"

The silence is back and it's staring to make me nuts. This whole conversation is twisting me up inside in ways I don't even want to think about and I can't decide if I want to beg you to stay or kick you right out into the street. So instead I just say the obvious without letting myself think.

"So, if coming here was a mistake, you go back, right?"

A slight pause and a shake of the head.

"I'm afraid that that would be a mistake as well, Ray."

That's *it*!

The next thing I know we're pulled over in an empty lot facing the lake and I can smell rubber off the tires as I twist in the seat to face you.

"Dammit, Benny! You are the most annoying person on the face of this earth!"

You're just staring at me. I think after all this time my driving finally scared you speechless. For a second I sit there listening to the engine cooling and feeling my pulse racing at about a hundred miles an hour from anger or frustration or fear or stress or God-only-knows-what....

And then you answer me.

"I know, Ray. Why do you put up with me?"

Your words are so quiet I almost have to strain to hear them over the pounding in my ears. What the hell kind of question is that? I'm looking at you because you can't be serious... but by the look on your face you are. Completely and utterly serious.

Oh God, Benny, believe me, you really don't want to hear the answer to that.

When I speak, my voice has dropped to match yours.

"What the hell is going on, Benny?"

You're watching the lake again like it has all the answers and I'm thinking maybe it's not such a bad thing you won't meet my eyes. God only knows what you'd find there.

"I need to know, Ray. I embarrass you, inconvenience you, annoy you, even endanger your life-- yet you put up with it, with me. Why?"

All the flip responses appear at the tip of my tongue as I turn to study the lake too: 'Force of habit,' 'God isn't finished laughing at me yet,' 'Damned if I know!' But I do know. And maybe I'm damned too and I can't even care, so I just answer as best I can.

"Because you're my best friend, Benny. "

And I close my eyes and I take a deep breath and I go as far as I can.....

"And I care about you."

I turn to meet your eyes... and how can eyes that blue look so dark, so serious? And I'm searching them and I know what I want to see, and what I can't possibly be seeing, and whatever they may actually be saying is completely lost somewhere between.

Then you turn away again, breaking the spell.

"Ray, among the Inuit..."

And I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream, so I just sit there and do nothing.

"...there is a perception of the basic nature of the most meaningful interpersonal relationships, one that focuses heavily on a spiritual connection, which is seen to far outweigh the specifics of genetically-determined biological differences or societally-constructed gender roles. While this is, actually, directly in keeping with the views of most mystical and shamanistic peoples from around the world, it is in direct opposition to the view found in most of western culture... Unless, of course, you look carefully at the actual writings of many of the ancient Greek philosophers, such as Plato...."

Plato?

"Benny, you're babbling...."

"I love you, Ray."

And my heart jumps. Stops. Tries to do both at once....

Before my brain takes over and with my last vestiges of common sense I realize that you can't possibly mean... You just don't know that guys don't say things like that to each other... I mean, not unless... But hell, you probably tell your Inuit fishing buddies that every day, and it doesn't mean a thing... But not here... You have absolutely no idea what that sounds like, do you?

But then I see you're sitting there shaking.

I look at you in the dead silence, begging you to meet my eyes, terrified that you will. You're so controlled, always so very controlled, but when I look close you're trembling all over... trembling so hard it'd probably look like seizures in anyone else....

"Benny... I...."

My mouth is completely dry (what does that mean, Benny?), so I try to swallow and I'm licking at my lips because they're sticking together and now I'm looking out my window.

"You don't.... Look, you don't realize what that sounds like...."

"I love you, Ray."

I turn automatically and find myself trapped again by those eyes, beautiful, mesmerizing, and utterly sincere, feeling as though they could speak straight into my soul.

"I am in love with you. I dream of you at night and think of you all day. When I'm away from you I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped away, and if there's the slightest chance I want nothing more on this earth than to be with you for the rest of my life."

Some immeasurable stretch of seconds later I realize I'm just sitting there in shock. My mouth is open, but nothing's coming out and my brain is completely refusing to function in any meaningful way. Feeling like I'm paralyzed, I watch you sitting there, searching my face and have no idea what you're seeing there, I only know that my whole soul must be visible....

"Ray?"

I blink, startled, and try desperately to concentrate long enough to form a coherent thought... but those eyes....

"Ray, please. Say something. Anything...."

Finally I manage to pull my gaze back long enough to focus on something... it's a face, a beautiful face, looking at me... and the panic lurking there, rising slowly to the surface again... No, oh God, Benny....

"I love you."

I don't know if I've whispered or shouted, but somehow I managed to get the sound past my lips because the wash of surprise, disbelief, hope, relief, joy, chasing across your face is enough to tear my heart right out. And before I realize it I've pulled you into my arms and am holding you as you continue to tremble, the control slipping until you're actually shaking against me. And I'm trying to comfort you, rubbing your back, and everything I've wanted to say for so long is just pouring out in a stream of hopeless nonsense....

"Oh Benny, I love you. Always... I never thought... I couldn't help... and then... I thought it would kill me when you left. You were gone and I couldn't... I couldn't... don't... please... don't ever leave me again...."

You pull away so that I can see your face and there are tears on your cheeks, and then you smile. You smile, and it takes my breath away. I've never seen anything that beautiful in my entire life and then you're leaning forward and I can feel your lips on mine and we're kissing and this is heaven. I don't care if I'm damned for all eternity because I'm living in heaven already and I don't ever want to be anywhere but here in your arms....

And we finally break apart, gasping for breath and I'm laughing. We're both laughing and sitting parked like a couple of teenagers for heaven's sake and if it meant my life I just couldn't wipe the stupid, sappy grin off my face.

There's nowhere to go: we can't go home-- later, sure, but not now, not at God-knows-what in the morning when who knows who might wake up and start asking questions. The damned apartment's gone, and I sure as hell am not gonna take you to some motel....

So we walk along the lake, barely saying a word, just being together, and smiling so hard our damn faces hurt and laughing at each other's sappy grin and at life and love and the world. And we sit in the Riv and watch the sun rise over Lake Michigan....

And then we head back into the city, back into two lives that will never, ever be quite the same.

<finis>

***************

Blue Moon

Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart,
Without a love of my own.

Blue Moon, you knew just what I was there for,
You heard me saying a prayer for
Someone I really could care for.

Then suddenly there stood before me
The only one my arms will ever hold;
I heard somebody whisper, "Please adore me."--
And when I looked the moon had turned to gold.

Blue Moon, now I'm no longer alone,
Without a dream in my heart,
Without a love of my own.