Title: Strange Glue - Part Two: Change in Season Author: necessary angel
Pairing: Fraser/Kowalski and hints or more of Fraser/Vecchio and Kowalski/other

Spoilers: For everything up to and including Mountie on Bounty Parts 1 & 2 plus minor ones for Dr Longball
Rating: Mmm maybe R: for m/m interaction and language. Disclaimer: Still not mine despite all the begging. The title of the main story comes from the song of the same name by Catatonia. Notes: This is the sequel to Dark Clouds and is the second part of a longer RayK/Fraser story. It is set in the gap between Mountie on Bounty and Dr. Longball. I am using the running order given on the official Due South site.

Feedback - yes please, necessary_angel@yahoo.com

This one's for Caroline Alert as well as she kicked the whole thing off in my mind.

Change in Season

//

Soy sauce and that musty stink that overpowered anything he tried to do about it. Hot hands so light against his ribs and pressing harder now against his pecs. Hard thighs clamped around his, just the right weight pushing him into the lumpy mattress.

"Hey open yer eyes, Stan."

Impossible, too heavy, feel too good, "Can't." So faint, too quiet if he hadn't felt his lips move he wouldn't have thought he's spoken at all.

Fingertips moving on his cheekbone like silk on a newly broken scar.

"C'mon Stan." Smile loud enough to hover blurred and red behind his sealed eyelids.

Fingers so light against the thin flicker of his eyelids, seal fluttering to the ground. Green and amber disappearing into black. A blink and he can see those eyes crinkling above sharp pale cheekbones and a wide smiling mouth.

"Hey."

"Now I got ya attention." Sharp teeth oddly gentle against the arch of his throat.

"Oh you had it, you had it." Words scraping against his throat as he forces them out.

Thick ends of just cut hair, raising welts against his fingers as they fall free of the dark head moving down his body. Long swipes of a slick tongue made cold with little puffs of air. Cool fingers too light against the hot ache of his cock.

"Fuckin' tease." Shift and flex of long muscles against his hipbones. "Oh Jesus Rick. Touch me."

"Ya want this." Long fingers tight around him, stroking in a smooth slow glide.

"Oh yeah." Hips pushing up against deceptively slender thighs.

"And this?"

Breath stopping as Rick's mouth hovers over his nipple and then sucks.

"Fuck, Rick. Rick."

//

Wet and cold, sweat thick against my skin as I sit up shaking. "Rick." My mouth closing on a dry scream. I can smell soy sauce but the must is gone. Not the same place, not the same place at all, get it Kowalski. I slide my feet to floor and stumble to the bathroom.

Cold water smooth against my now burning face. Sideways glimpse of sweat matted hair and bloodshot eyes until I shut my eyes. Just breathe Kowalski, in out, in out. That's it.

That's not it.

I make it to the toilet just before the remains of my Chinese takeout burn back up my throat.

I wipe my hand across my mouth and wait for the rolling in my stomach to settle to small heaves.

"Fuck, fuck."

I lean back against the wall and brace myself against the swirl and dip of the room. This one was the worst. They aren't bad dreams, not nightmares. They are good dreams even if they are not usually has hot as this one. It's waking up that's bad, waking up that's the nightmare.

My back is aching and my ass is numb from the cold floor so I push myself to my feet. I clean my teeth although the taste of mint almost makes me toss my cookies again. If I had anything left to toss I probably would have.

I push myself back into the tangle of sheets and lie back. I force myself to sip the glass of water I brought back with me and not think about the dream, about Rick.

Rick's dead.

The dream catcher twists and turns in the faint swirl of air from the open window. I crawl out of bed and unhook it and go back to bed. It is smooth against my palm. I trace one finger along the outside curve, I never did find out why Fraser gave me this, or work it out. Maybe I should just ask him, though that feels like failure and I would probably just get an extended version of the story of the eagle feathers again.

Wasn't it supposed to stop bad dreams?

Yeah but these aren't bad dreams Kowalski. They're just dreams. Just dreams.

I am still staring at the dream catcher when my alarm beeps me into the day.

"Ray, Ray, Ray! The lights."

Fraser's voice and someone, several somones leaning on their car horns fit to bust, drag me back outta my head.

"Right you are." I pull sharply away from the very green stoplight, the acrid smell of burning rubber tailing us.

"Ray are you alright? You are very quiet."

"Just tired, Red."

I flex my left hand slightly. The cuts are healing nicely but they are still stiff and itch like fucking crazy.

"Oh, I was hoping you would like to go out for dinner but never mind."

I groan quietly to myself. Fraser's trying hard, very hard to keep things normal. Too hard, he'd been right as usual. That night had made a difference, to Fraser at least. He'd retreated to way beyond where we started from, pulled back and slammed the walls up so fast that my head is still spinning.

"Ray! Ray!" Fraser's exasperated voice is loud in my ear.

I jump, my hands sliding on the wheel. "Jeez, Fraze, whatcha trying to do kill us?"

"No just get your attention."

"Well ya got it."

"Finally. So do you want to go out to dinner?"

I musta really spaced out on Fraser for him to be like this.

"Sorry Fraze, I think I'd rather be alone."

"Oh, if you're sure. I understand."

No you don't Fraze, no ya don't. "I'm just about done in, Fraze. I didn't sleep too good last night. Maybe tomorrow huh?"

"Yes, Ray. Tomorrow." A determined edge to the carefully polite voice that I haven't heard in what seems like forever. I squint at him out of the corner of my eye but apart from the fact that he looks tired as I feel I can't read a single thing on his parade face.

I stop outside the Consulate; Fraser is almost out of the car before I remember.

"Oh Fraze, I'm in court tomorrow so I'll see ya after my shift."

"Alright Ray, Good night."

Dief yips as he jumps out, skidding slightly as he lands beside Fraser.

"Night."

I drive off almost before he has the door closed, not wanting to see the hurt look in his eyes for any longer than I hafta.

I put music on as soon as I get in; I don't even look at what is. I just need something loud and fast, something that won't let me think or remember. Shower, pizza and beer Kowalski, just like a hundred other nights. I stay under the shower until my fingers and toes are wrinkled enough to be forty years older than the rest of me and I feel too wet to ever be properly dry again. The CD is on its second repeat before I'm ready to order the pizza. I haven't checked my machine in days and I let the messages play while I snag a cold beer. Three messages from my Mom, I really oughtta to get round to calling her, and a final one from a vaguely familiar female voice.

"Ray, I don't whether you remember me. It's Chris. You arrested me a few weeks ago. Well they dropped the charges and anyway I would really like to see you again. Call me please."

I hit the off button before she spiels out her number. Oh shit, what am I gonna do. I pop the lid off my beer and take a deep swallow. Jesus of course I remember Chris, tall, blonde hair, legs that went on and on. The most innocent smile and the oldest eyes I have ever seen. I dropped my card on the table in front of her on an automatic impulse that usually gets me nowhere. Her voice sounds just as good as it did when I was interrogating her. Two weeks ago I would have been on the phone so fast that the buttons would have smoked but that was before one of the hottest and most confusing nights of my life, before I tasted Fraser. Before he had dragged me over the edge and left me in free fall.

Fuck this. I am so sick of being wrong footed. Not again, never again. I play the message again and dial her number. I get her machine, which is, just as well, I am not sure I wouldn't have hung up if she'd answered. I leave a message asking her out for a drink on Friday.

I don't really want the pizza anymore but I know I am gonna need food to soak up the beer.

Fraser watches the taillights of Ray's car until they disappear around the corner. The Consulate behind him, dark and imposing, Inspector Thatcher and Constable Turnbull have obviously left for the day so he doesn't have to avoid them. It is totally irrational but he can't face the confines of his room, yet, it is too early and everything will be too quiet, too small. A long walk is what he needs to get his thoughts in order, a long walk in the tranquillity of the forest would be just the ticket but he is in Chicago and the park will have to do.

He signals to Diefenbaker and starts to walk the blocks to the park. He deliberately tries not to think about Ray until he gets to the park, instead concentrating on the night sounds of the city but whatever catches his attention always circles back to his partner.

They are still partners that much he hasn't managed to damage in the last few days. In fact since the incident on Lake Superior with the pirates and the Bounty they are functioning very well as a team. They have found the balance that was missing and while it is not easy and comfortable as his old partnership was with Ray Vecchio, Fraser knows that they are really working together at last. The mess he has made of the rest of it has thankfully not affected that fragile balance. His new partner is too close for it ever to be easy between them, Ray somehow slipped under the smoothly polite face Fraser presents to the world the first time they met and Fraser never has been able recover from that, to get that distance back.

He had known whatever Ray Vecchio and he had shared in any romantic sense was over before he'd returned to Chicago after his vacation. That phone call had confirmed what they had both begun to acknowledge before he'd left. He hadn't known that phone call was also goodbye for their partnership. He wasn't sure what was left of their friendship anymore, one postcard in several months. He'd not really expected to get any contact after the postcard for quite some time but eventually he'd hoped and then expected and nothing. Now he realises with a little shock that this is the first time in weeks that he has thought about Ray Vecchio contacting him. He tamps down the familiar swirl of guilt and anger with his only defence; Ray Vecchio is doing his duty and that is all that matters. It rings as hollow now as it always does.

Meeting Ray Kowalski had turned Fraser inside out. It had been like plunging into a lake on a summer's day, the burn of the sun on your back and the heart stopping shock of the water against the rest of your body. Fraser knows the man beneath the lean hard body and aggressive, insolent exterior now but he hasn't quite lost that first sense of exhilaration and fear and it is looks as if he never will.

The need to armour himself against that feeling and the man that induced it everyday had been one of the reasons behind his own sometimes difficult behaviour, the behaviour that had partially led to the near dissolution of their partnership. Fraser can't bring himself to regret that testing time. Ray had stayed when he had every chance, every excuse to walk away and that warms Fraser deep inside more than he wants to think about.

His armour is getting in the way yet again but this is old armour, rusted into place and Fraser no longer knows how to get rid of it or even if he can. He might seem oblivious, it is a usually a good way of avoiding hurting people, of avoiding confronting situations he is finds almost impossible to deal with. But he knows what he is doing to Ray; he can see the shadows of frustration and bewilderment that are always at the back of those changeable eyes now. He never wanted to hurt him and he has but the ache of that is much less than the thought of letting him in any closer.

It looks like Ray is beginning to back off in a similar fashion. Tonight was the first time he had refused an invitation from Fraser since the altercation with Robert Francis. Fraser sighs and wonders why the cold shoulder turning on him hurts quite so much. It is no more than he expected to happen, wanted to happen.

He shakes himself; maybe he is reading too much into this, second-guessing his partner's motives when there is nothing else to find.

//" Sides I told ya I'll wait if that's what yer worried about."//

That night in Ray's apartment is burnt into his memory forever. Ray's body warm and heavy against his own. The heat of him and the faint tang of his sweat had kept Fraser awake for a long time. His partner had rolled against him very soon after dropping off to sleep and it had taken everything Fraser had not to wake him and finish what they, he had started.

He had left Ray sleeping when he had crept out of the apartment at 6:30 the next morning. He hadn't slept much, dozing and then sliding awake as his partner's long body twitched and shifted next to him.

//"I didn't sleep too good last night."//

Ray had looked well like he hadn't slept for a week. His eyes had been fiercely bright and red-rimmed when he had arrived at the 27th precinct that morning. He'd been late too. It was unusual for Fraser to arrive before his partner. His clothes are hanging loose on his lean frame and Fraser can't remember the last time he saw Ray eating properly, well in his normal fashion.

Dief whimpers and Fraser realizes he is just standing on the sidewalk staring into space. He has no recollection of how long he has been there but maybe walking to the park is not the best plan at the moment. He turns and heads back to the Consulate. The walk hasn't really helped at all; his mind is still circling around his partner.

Dief makes a long soft sound and Fraser looks down. "Yes I know it is all my own fault. That really isn't a great deal of help you know."

Fraser sighs struck by the raw truth of his words to the wolf. He had been the one who had initially forced this issue between them. He could have left it as the ambiguous half-acknowledged connection that it had been since they met. But he hadn't and he has no way to put the genie back in the bottle.

"I'll have to talk to Ray tomorrow, Dief, this can't go on." The wolf snorts and bounds up the steps to the Consulate, disapproval radiating from every inch of fur.

A day at court seems much more bearable with a hangover. Somehow all the waiting round, drinking bad coffee and dealing with Stella isn't so bad compared to the pounding in my head and the jumping in my stomach. Stella knows I've been drinking but instead of the pissed off, why do you do this Ray attitude I used to get she drags me off to lunch.

She doesn't say much until we are seated at a nice little Italian place around the corner from the courthouse.

"This is nice, Stel."

It's definitely not a cop hangout, just the sort of place lawyers bring their clients for lunch.

"The food's great too Ray." She is smiling, softer than I have seen her in a long time.

"Good. I missed breakfast."

"I thought you might have."

She smirks over at me. Only Stella would know that I can't eat the morning after a session. Well and Rick but he's not around to count. I shake myself; the last thing I need is Stella's sharp mind to catch onto this mess.

We order and suddenly it hits me that I am absolutely starving. My stomach growls and we both laugh.

"Nice suit, Ray. Is it new?"

"Yeah. Do ya really think so?"

I glance down at myself, blue suit, bought on a weird impulse a few weeks back. It had fit better then, the last few days have hit more than my sleep patterns.

"Hmm. The other one was, prehistoric."

"A classic, Stel, a classic."

"That too." She runs a finger down my lapel. "No this is nice. Excuse me for a minute."

I watch her as she winds her way over to the restroom. She looks damn good, every inch the successful lawyer she is in a pale purple suit that makes her eyes lavender instead of blue. She looks as good as I have ever seen her but that deep ache I have every time I see her is just not there. I feel my mouth start to drop open and clamp it shut. I sit back in my chair, trying to resettle the pieces in my mind.

Our food arrives as Stella makes it back to the table, another reason why this place is stuffed with attorneys; they must have the fastest chefs in Chicago.

I inhale a few mouthfuls of my pasta. "Yer right, it's fantastic."

"Don't you know I am always right, Ray." Her voice is dry as sand but her eyes are twinkling.

My mouth does drop open at that. She hasn't teased me like that for years, not without a knife hidden behind it.

"Some things never change. So do ya think the jury's gonna go our way?" I somehow manage to find some words in the scrambled mess of my brains.

"Too soon to tell." She is looking down at her salad, shifting her fork in the layers of leaves.

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. You can always distract Stella with case talk, always, without fail.

"Stel?"

"Ssh, Ray. I'm okay. It's just that. Oh hell."

She digs into her attache case, color flaring bright in her cheeks. She pulls out an envelope and pushes it across the table to me.

"I want you to have this. I can't use it, anymore. I hope you can."

Her attention is firmly attached to her salad and I know I am not going to get anything outta of her. I rip open the envelope. Two tickets to Mexico and a reservation at Club Couples for next week.

What the fuck? The pasta swells in my stomach and I stuff them back in the envelope and hold them out to her.

"Stel! I er, I."

"Just leave it, Ray. Take them." The hard face is back but I have hurt her enough times to know the look at the back of her eyes.

"Okay, Stel. Thanks."

I shove the envelope in my pocket; I can always find someone at the 27 to take 'em off my hands.

Taking a deep breath I reach across the table and squeeze her hand. Her fingers are cool and twitch slightly as I touch them but she doesn't move away.

She lifts her eyes from her plate at last. "I'm okay, Ray." Her smile is faint but there.

"Sure?" I ease my hand away.

"Yeah and we better a get move on if we are going to get back in time."

We finish our food and jog back to the courthouse. Stella gives me one last smile as I hold open the door for her. I grin back at her, I think we are finally okay.

I drop in at the Precinct after giving evidence. It is almost the end of my shift and Fraser is waiting for me, Dief stretched out under my desk.

"Hi Fraser."

It has been a good day and I am feeling just good enough after my lunch with Stella and kicking ass with the defence attorney not to get all knotted up at the way things are between us.

"Hello, Ray. How did it go?"

He's outta uniform and I get that faint shock, of seeing something private and forbidden that I always do when the serge is AWOL.

"Good, Fraze. I think we got this one in the bag."

I shrug off my suit jacket and flick through my messages, nothing that can't wait until tomorrow.

"So whatcha been up to, Fraze?" I prop my feet on the desk.

"Not much Ray. Just another day at the Consulate, Inspector Thatcher left for Ottawa this morning, for a few days, so things are quiet."

"Must be sweet without the Ice Queen. So where do ya want to go for dinner?"

"Hmm, I don't mind, what do you think, Ray?"

Dief makes a soft vocalization. "I asked Ray, not you." Fraser's voice is sharp, like it has been for a while whenever he talks to Dief.

I reach down and scratch Dief's head with my fingertips.

"Not Italian, how about yer friend's Chinese place?"

"Yes, why not. Are you ready to go?"

"Yep, let's blow this joint."

Fraser gets his usual meet and greet when we arrive at the restaurant and a great table.

"Yer a good person to know Fraze."

"Well Ray it's not something I actively encourage."

"Yeah I know. Doncha know when I am teasing ya?"

"Yes, yes I do Ray. Oh right." He is rubbing his eyebrow.

I wave away the hovering waiter. "Okay Fraze, spill it. What's on ya mind?"

"I am fine, Ray. It's just that I have some news for you and I don't know how to tell you."

His face is very serious and I feel my good day drain away like someone has punched a hole in me.

"Just, just spit it out Fraze. Ya not transferring are ya?"

"No, nothing like that. It's not to do with me; it's about you, well in a manner of speaking. It's good news."

"So why d'ya look like someone died?"

"Ray, oh dear. I am afraid I may have inadvertently given you quite the wrong impression. It really is very good news."

"Fraser I swear if ya don't tell me what the hell ya talking about in the next five seconds, I'll pop ya in the head."

Suddenly he looks the way he did just after I slugged him. Shit it is way too close still to that day. Good one Kowalski.

"I'm sorry Fraze, that was way outta line." I can't look at him.

"No, Ray. I understand, it's just a figure of speech."

"Please, just tell me this news." I raise my head and force myself to look at him.

He reaches across the table and puts his hand over mine. It is the first time in days he has touched me and I can feel my fingers shake under the warmth of his broad palm.

"Lieutenant Welsh asked me to tell you that FBI acquired some new information when they questioned Robert Francis after the recent incident at your apartment. Information that clears your ex-partner, Richard Dawson, completely."

Fraser's eyes are shining and I don't think I have seen a smile that big on his face before.

I feel my mouth fall open and I can't talk for a few seconds, I try but nothing comes out. Suddenly the switch clicks and I am babbling.

"Oh my God, oh my God. Oh this is greatness, Fraser. Talk about knocking a guy on his ass."

I press my free hand over my eyes and blink rapidly for a moment. Fraser squeezes the hand he is covering with his own.

The waiter comes over and I order something, though I hardly know what I am talking about. I'm not even sure I spoke at all.

"So c'mon Fraze, spill the details, all the dirt."

Fraser's hand left mine while we were ordering and I link my hands together to stop them shaking.

"I am sorry Ray that's all I know. You will have to ask the Lieutenant if you want the dirt."

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks Fraze. I'm sorry about all that. Ya just looked like, it was some kind of tragedy."

"Well, it is Ray in a way. Your partner didn't live to see his name cleared." Fraser stops like he wishes he could take the words back.

"There ya go with the obvious again Fraze." My voice is whip sharp and I am almost glad to see him flinch.

"Ray. All I meant was."

"Yeah I know what ya meant and I really didn't need it pointed out okay."

"Ray."

"Fraser!"

Since the Henry Allen, Fraser sometimes has the sense not to push and he closes his mouth on the rest of what he was gonna say.

I close my eyes and just concentrate on the flow of air through my nose and out of my mouth for coupla minutes. I don't want to fight with Fraser, not tonight and not about Rick.

"So do his parents know?"

"I would imagine so, Ray."

Fraser's voice is very neutral and the Mountie mask is firmly glued in place. It shouldn't be like this, I just wish I knew how ta fix it.

"That's good. Yeah, that's good."

Fraser is concentrating on his food, not really looking at me. I scrub one hand through my hair, trying to find a way to back to way we were at the beginning of the evening. Even good stuff happening just seems to dig the hole deeper.

I don't have the sense to stop digging though. "Fraze, thank you. I mean it, thank you."

"There's no need to thank me Ray, I was very pleased to be able to give you such good news."

The mask is well and truly in place and I can't find a crack to slide my fingers under.

"Fraze, I didn't mean to jump Bogart all over ya. I was just kinda out of it."

"That's quite understandable Ray."

He does look up and smile with that. A polite little smile that makes my stomach knot tighter.

"No Fraser, it's not alright. I shouldn't have done that." I push my food away and lean forward. "I was way outta line."

"As I said Ray I understand."

Even I can recognize a door slamming in my face if I hit my head against it enough times and I let it drop. I watch Fraser eat and feed Dief my chicken. I am sure that Fraser knows what I am doing but he doesn't say anything. He eats his food, all of it, chasing the last few grains of rice around his bowl with his chopsticks until he has captured every single last one.

He doesn't say anything at all for the rest of the night until I am just about to drop him and Dief off at the Consulate.

"Ray, maybe we should go out and celebrate a little tomorrow night. After all it is Friday and you have the weekend off don't you?"

"That's sounds good." I chew my bottom lip, my stomach sinking to somewhere around my ankles. "Except I got plans. A date."

Oh you stupid fuckhead, Kowalski why did ya have to add that bit on. Fraser's terminal honesty is rubbing off on me, big time.

"A date."

Fraser's voice sounds choked, almost rough. I have to turn my head and look at him. I don't wanna but it's like a traffic accident I can't not look at the damage.

Those two little words blasted the mask into a million pieces and he looks like I stuck a knife in his guts.

"I'm sorry Fraze."

I reach my hand out to his shoulder but he backs away, pressing into the passenger side door.

I let my hand drop and I can't tear my eyes away from his face. The remnants of the mask slide more or less back into place. He straightens in his seat.

"Don't be silly Ray. Have a good time. I'll see you on Monday. I have to cover for Inspector Thatcher at the Consulate tomorrow."

He is outta of the car so fast I half expect to see smoke.

Dief licks my face and follows him.

I roll down my window. "Fraze, listen."

"Night, Ray."

The Consulate door shuts with a definite slam.

I bang my head against the steering wheel a few times but it doesn't help at all.

Fraser leans back against the front door of the Consulate feeling the slam reverberate through his spine. He tries to move towards his office but his boneless knees give and he has to sit at the reception desk.

He rests his aching head in his hands and breathes slowly trying to slow his heartbeat to something resembling a normal rate. A date, Ray has a date with a woman presumably. He's only ever seen Ray try to date women. There is himself of course but that's something outside Ray's normal pattern. It wasn't the same at all that was far more subtle and less designing. It didn't really count at all.

But then there was Rick, something, someone he had never even suspected lay in his volatile partner's past until a few days ago. Finding out about Rick had laid a few stray pieces into place and pushed a whole lot more out of their neatly connected joints.

A date, a date, of everything Ray said to him that evening, that is all he can hear now. Dief licks his hand and Fraser has to resist the urge to bury his head in the soft, coarse fur and just stay there.

"How did it all disintegrate this fast Dief?" He rubs one hand through the wolf's ruff.

Calm unblinking yellow eyes and a low growl.

"Yes I know you think it's all my fault. It would be nice for you to show some support."

A low yip.

"You don't think it's all my fault. Well that's good to hear. "

Fraser stands up, looking around for his father out of the corner of his eye. "Typical, he's never around when I need his advice." His sigh is half relief and half frustration.

Dief nudges his hand and snuffs softly. "Tea sounds like an excellent idea and as you had most of Ray's food tonight I won't put much out for you."

His father is waiting in the cramped kitchen. "You have to trust your partner, son."

"I do Dad."

"To back you up in the field maybe but not with anything else. A partnership is."

"Like a marriage I know. I have heard that one before."

"Yes but do you listen?"

"Dad." His father is gone and Fraser is too tired to pursue the matter and seek his father out in his office. It is unlikely to help matters anyway.

He is lying down trying to sleep before he allows himself to think about it again, to look at his own motives. It's a familiar pattern when it comes to his partner, second-guessing his own responses and feelings. He can feel sleep creeping up on him and he is more than happy to hide in unconsciousness.

I wake up on Saturday morning absolutely certain that I have done something completely fucking stupid the night before. I pull the pillow over my head and just groan for a little bit. I am not sure I wanna try and figger out what I've done. Given my track record over the last few days it has to be something totally fucked up.

I need coffee, before I can face whatever disaster is hovering at the back of my mind. I stagger into the kitchen and somehow get it together enough to make a cup.

After a few sips snatches of last night start to drift to the surface. It had been so easy with Chris. She could flirt fit to beat the band and I hit all my marks. It's so simple when ya know what's expected. We had a few drinks, more than a few, gone dancing and wound up eating in a little diner at 3 or 4 in the morning. All normal and all fine even if half my head was re-running the horror show with Fraser from the night before, over and over and over.

Aw shit, I really had done it this time. She had plastered herself against me outside while I was trying to hail her a cab. As we waited I'd told her about Mexico and Club Couples, no make that invited her.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I slam my fist into the counter. "Fuck, fuck!"

I look towards the phone and before I can think about it. I pick up the phone and scrabble for the scrap of paper with her number on and dial. Please her machine, please her machine, I'll do anything just don't let her pick up.

"Yeah," barely awake really suits her sugar smooth voice.

"It's Ray."

"Good morning, hon. Oh this is nice. It's real good to hear your voice. I had such a blast last night."

"Me, too. It was uh great. Listen."

"And Mexico, you really know how to treat a girl, Detective. I really need the break after the last couple of weeks, know what I mean."

"Yeah I do."

"We are gonna have a ball. I am sorry hon I'm gonna hafta love ya and leave ya. I gotta get going. I'll see ya on Tuesday at the airport, ten wasn't it?"

"Yeah it was."

"See ya then sweetie."

"Uh, no, I mean." It is way too late; she's long gone.

I slam down the phone and kick the counter. Oh Jesus I've really done it this time. Shit that hurt and I hobble to the shower trying to think of a way outta this latest mess.

I am actually glad to be at work on Monday, which's probably the first time that's ever happened on a Monday in my life. I think I would have even been in early except the traffic was even more shitty than normal. My first weekend off in weeks was a complete bust. I'd tried to get hold of Fraser at the Consulate but he was working all weekend, some big reception thing. Yeah sure, I know when I am being ditched. Fraser hadn't spoken to me, Turnball had answered the phone each time I called and I hadn't quite had the courage to bust into the place and force him to talk to me.

I could do one thing to start to sort out this mess before I get stuck into the day.

I picked up the phone and dialed Chris's number and at last someone, somewhere was on my side I got her machine.

"Hi, it's Ray. Listen Chris, I'm gonna have to cancel Mexico. I up ta my ears in work and there's no way my Lieutenant can give me the time off. Sorry to do this to ya."

I put the phone down not willing to risk my mouth running off and suggesting Paris or worse as compensation.

First, coffee and then time to hit the ever-growing mountain of files, I stand up and only then do I realize that Welsh is standing next to my desk with a grim look on his face.

"My office now."

"Sir?"

"Now."

I follow Welsh into his office and close the door at his signal.

"I realize this is none of my business, Detective but why do you have to cancel Mexico? You've nothing red hot on your desk do ya?"

"No but I.." I have my usual ever-increasing pile of rapidly decaying cases but nothing that shows any signs of cracking any time soon or this year even.

"Your personal life is none of my business, Ray but you need a break. You really do. You look like crap, frankly. Go to Mexico and get some sun. I'll expect your leave form on my desk before you sign off tonight."

"I.. It would need to be for tomorrow."

"And? Get outta here before I change my mind."

"Sir."

I slump back at my desk, head in my hands. "Fuck, fuck."

Maybe Welsh is right; a few days away might just be what I need to get my head right and work out how to fix things with Fraser. Before I can talk myself outta of it I fill in my holiday sheet and leave it on Welsh's desk. I call Chris again and leave just the opposite message. There's no way I can go to Club Couples on my own.

I dive into the day and gradually the familiar rhythms take over and I don't think anymore, there's no time.

Frannie perches on the edge of my desk sometime near the end of shift.

"So, Bro what's this I hear about Mexico and Club Couples? Shouldn't ya bring her home to meet Mama first."

"Just leave it Fran."

I'd had justa about enough from Huey when I had passed my open cases over to him.

"Ooh, aren't we just a little touchy! So who is she?"

"Evening Ray, Francesa." Fraser is standing behind Francesa, a carefully polished smile on his face.

"Hi Fraze. I'm just about ready to clear outta here."

I hide my jump of surprise and try to figger out how much he heard. Everything, with the way my day is going. This was not the way I was planning on telling him.

Fraser is very quiet as we walk down to the car. Too quiet, he heard everything. Dief presses close to my ankles, almost tripping me just as we get to the car.

"Stupid dog, get outta of the way."

"Diefenbaker, if you please. I'm sorry Ray. He's been a little on edge all day."

"Him and me both Fraze."

I open the passenger door for Fraser and get in the car.

"So where do you want to eat Ray?"

"Ya'll see."

I keep my attention on the road and don't look at Fraser. I can feel him flicking little glances in my direction every minute or so but he is quiet. I open my mouth to speak half a dozen times but each time I shut it without saying anything. For the first time in a long time I have no idea what to say to Fraser.

"This is the way to your apartment Ray." My stomach knots down tighter at the hint of panic in his voice.

"Yeah, I think it's way past time we talked, doncha?"

"Ray, do you really think that's wise?"

"Yeah, I think. I really do."

"Oh, very well." Fraser's voice is resigned and way too polite and I can't read anything else into it all.

Dief whines from the back seat of the car.

"It's okay Dief, there'll be food."

I look over at Fraser. He is staring directly forward, his jaw tight.

"We do need to talk Fraze."

"Yes I know Ray. It's just that. oh never mind. It's not important."

"Do Not Do That Fraser." I bite my tongue and manage not to shout.

"What?"

"You know what. Just talk to me. Is that so hard?"

"Well sometimes Ray, yes it is."

"I know Fraze, I know."

I pull up outside my apartment building. "Fraze I. never mind. Let's just go up."

"Okay, Ray. I'm not trying to be deliberately difficult. This isn't an easy situation for me."

"Ya think it is for me?"

Fraser just nods and opens the car door. " I think it is easier for you in some ways."

I leave it alone until we are in my apartment and I have locked the door behind us. Fraser sits stiffly on the couch. I haven't seen him do sentry sitting before and my stomach hits my ankles. This is going to be tough. Dief wisely curls up on the floor by the window; his back firmly turned to both of us.

I can't sit down; I have to keep moving. It's the only way I'm gonna be able to do this.

"We can't keep on like this Fraze. We're losing it, ya know."

"Losing what?" A little frown wrinkles his brow as he looks over at me.

"Fraser, for fuck's sake .please just talk to me. You know what."

I crouch next to Fraser and put my hand on his arm. For the first time in days he doesn't flinch. I squeeze his arm gently and he closes his eyes.

"Why yer shutting me out, Red?"

Fraser puts his hand over mine on his arm. "I'm sorry Ray. I had to, I couldn't risk.I didn't want to make the situation any more difficult for you."

I jump to my feet and put some space between us. "You said there was something worth waiting for or did I remember that bit wrong? What hold does Vecchio have over you? You are in love with him, why didn't ya just tell me?" Suddenly I realise I am shouting at Fraser and shut up.

"Ray, I'm not in love in Ray Vecchio."

"Yer not but I thought."

"Ssh, Ray just let me. I care for him, we were lovers but I am not in love with him."

"So where does that leave us?"

Fraser is standing in front of me now, close enough that I can feel the heat of him blasting into my too cold body.

"You tell me Ray? Fraser's voice is as hard as I ever heard it.

"Whatdya mean?" I back away from him slightly.

"Mexico, the date, what's going on Ray?" He moves closer again, matching me step for step as I back away.

My breath catches as I get the expression in his eyes. It's the look that was in his eyes the day we met and after that incident with the Bounty Hunter chick. I stop moving and put my hand on his shoulder to keep some space between us. He stands still and just looks at me, his eyes full of that awful pain.

I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. I have lost him for sure now. I open my eyes and take one last shot. Just tell him the truth Kowalski, not saying it has got you into this mess.

"Oh fuck, yeah. Ya got to know I do stupid things when. Well you know how I was with Stella and that bastard Orsini. I just went a little crazy, you shut down on me and I was convinced I'd messed up completely with you and so."

"You took the next opportunity that came along." Fraser shakes himself free of my hand and turns away.

"No Fraze, it's not like that." I put my hand on his arm. "Listen to me."

"I was miserable, and so fucking scared and. This chick, Chris, I arrested her a little while back, well she came on to me then, anyway she calls me. We went out for a drink and we went dancing, nothing heavy. I went so that I wouldn't have to spend another night alone here thinking about how much I'd fucked things up."

Fraser's face has relaxed a little, "And what about Mexico? I don't understand how that fits in."

"It doesn't, not really. Fraze, I opened my big mouth at the wrong moment made everything worse as usual."

"Go, on Ray."

I take a deep breath and just go for it. "Stella gave me the tickets and the reservation when I saw her the other day in court. We had lunch together."

"You had lunch together? She invited you to lunch?" Fraser is staring at me like I have grown a second head.

"Yeah, I know ya could have knocked me on my ass but we did anyway. She gave me the tickets and reservation because she couldn't use them. I didn't ask and she certainly wasn't telling."

"Ah, I see."

"Fraser, give me a break here, does Club Couples sound like something I would arrange?"

He chuckles and shakes his head. "No it doesn't Ray but I still."

"Let me finish this. I was gonna put the tickets and stuff up for grabs at the Precinct but I didn't get a chance on Friday. Anyway somehow on Friday night I ended up asking Chris to go with me."

"Why?" Fraser is very still, that awful, gut-wrenching pain has gone from his eyes but he isn't letting me off the hook.

"Cos it was the only way I could think of at 4:00 in the morning to stop her kissing me so I could hail a cab for her."

I think over what I just said and start laughing. Fraser stares at me as if I have totally lost it for about thirty seconds and then starts laughing just as bad. It is not really that funny but I guess all that tension and fear has to go somewhere. Fraser's laugh is good, warm and joyful and I never want him to stop making that noise.

I have to sink to the floor and Fraser drops down beside me. Somehow I manage to stop laughing, my stomach hurts but for the first time in days I feel almost right.

"I tried to get outta the whole deal this morning but Welsh practically ordered me to go on pain of losing my badge so I am off to sunny Mexico tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." Fraser's face is pale again but he is smiling, sort of anyway.

"Yeah, I know it sucks and I'm sorry Fraze."

Fraser sighs and puts his arm around my shoulders. I stiffen slightly outta sheer shock and then lean into his warmth before he can change his mind.

"It may not be such a bad thing, Ray." His voice is low and thoughtful.

"Are yer nuts?" I pull back so I can see his face.

"Well no, despite what you are always saying." He is actually smiling. He holds up a hand and I swallow what I was going to say. "You look tired and you need a break."

"Fraser."

"Ray I mean it. I didn't realise what effect my actions would have on you. I didn't think it would matter so much. I think a few days in the sun are just what you need."

"A bit of space you mean."

"Exactly, I think it would be very good for both of us." His arm tightens around my shoulder, pulling me back towards him.

"But aren't you worried that." I can't find the words to finish the sentence.

"I trust you Ray."

"Oh."

"Also I have no claim on you." Despite its surface calm, Fraser's voice shakes and his arm is far too tight around my shoulders.

I straighten and pull away from him so that I am kneeling next to him. I slide my hands along the clean line of his jaw and hold him so that I can see his face. My heart slams against my ribs at the shimmer glint of his eyes.

"Oh but ya do Ben, you know that."

I have to taste him again and press my mouth against his lips. He opens up almost instantly, his tongue pushing against mine as it slides into his mouth. His hands are heavy and warm on my shoulders as he yanks me closer.

I break the kiss what seems like hours later, resting my cheek against the old cotton and sandpaper of his. Air is whistling into my starved lungs and I can't speak. I just rub my cheek against his and wait until my brain catches up. His hand is in my hair, his fingers moving in tiny circles over my scalp. I groan at the tiny sparks feathering down my spine.

"Oh that feels so good."

"Hmm." Fraser grins at me. "And that's a good hmm before you ask."

"So we okay?"

"I think so, don't you Ray?"

"Yeah, I think.

Dief whines from his spot beneath the window.

"Diefenbaker, be patient. I'm sorry Ray I think someone wants his dinner."

I straighten up. "I'm not surprised it's gone eight."

My stomach growls and Fraser's eyebrows arch. "So that's two for dinner then?"

"Yeah, pizza for us? See if there is anything on the approved list for Dief in the kitchen."

"Pizza is fine with me, Ray. Diefenbaker!"

End