WARNINGS: PG-rated M/M angst. (Yup, that's it ;-) Follows "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "The Beat of a Different Drum", "On My Own", "Blue Moon," and "Living in the Real World."
No song again. So hum something sad and tragic and heart-rending and Italian to yourself as you read <g>-- most operas will do just fine.
Something happened at the Consulate, didn't it, Benny?
You were so happy when I left you there and when I return less than an hour later there's such a sadness in your eyes. But it's only there for a moment before it's erased by one of those heart-stopping smiles of yours. So I tell myself I'd just imagined it.
But that didn't keep me from grabbing your hand as soon as you got in and holding it tight. Like I was trying to hold on to you, as if I knew already that I might be losing you. The warmth of your hand in mine, of your eyes meeting mine, reassures me. But later I'll look back and see that this is where it began. I'm a detective, Benny. It's what I do, right?
You obviously want to talk, and I know we need to... but I'm so afraid....
So I tell you about Ma's invitation. She caught me just as I was heading back out here, seconds from making a clean getaway. She wanted to know where I'd been all night, so I told her I'd had to pick you up and drive you-- that you were back in town. I even managed to keep it from being a lie. She was thrilled to know you were back-- she really loves you, you know-- but then there was this other look, one I didn't understand. One I didn't want to understand.
Did I tell you I think she knows? I mean about us? I don't know how, must be some mother thing and I really don't want to know if I'm right, so I kept going out the door-- promising to drag you back for dinner and making good my escape.
But now I'm not sure she has anything to worry about.
So I ask you right out how things went, but instead of saying anything you just start in about getting your old job back....
Job? What job? That was a joke....
Oh, God, is that what being with me is going to mean for you? Being stuck playing doorman for the rest of your life? You're a good cop, Benny. The best, dammit! How can I ask you to give that up for me?
It's then that I realize that I'm losing you all over again. And that if I really love you, I'll let you go.
Hell, if I really love you I'll make you go. Only I don't think I can be that noble, Benny.
But right now I don't care. Just for now I want to live in the moment, not to waste a single precious second. To hold you. To hold you tight and pretend that I'll never have to let go.
I'm not even sure what I want, Benny. Hell, I've never done this before! But I find myself clinging desperately to the illusion. I know somewhere down deep that I'm going to have to let you go, you deserve so much better than this. But knowing that only makes me more determined to have one moment... one night with you-- something to remember long after life's ceased to be worth living.
So I try to brazen it out.
When I talk to Welsh I don't say anything, just that I'm helping you settle back in. I'm not gonna pin you down. I won't risk a star-crossed career that deserves better and a reputation that has had to endure too much prejudice already. I don't care how nice Canadians are, Benny, something like this can't help you any. Especially not if the Dragon Lady takes it badly....
And, you know? Given who you chose over her, somehow I can't see her wishing you a heartfelt "Congratulations!"
When Welsh accepts you back as my sorta-kinda partner again, suddenly all the damn paperwork's worth it. It helps me maintain the fantasy, you see?
And then we're back at the station and I'm bitching about where the damn brass is keeping their heads nowadays and you're lecturing me about respect and proper etiquette, sitting across the desk in your spot.... And, oh, Benny-- why can't this just go on forever?
But you're having to dodge questions right and left and I can see how it's wearing on you, so I send you home....
Only you don't go.
I get home an hour later and you never even showed. I reassure Ma that you'd never miss dinner-- Mr. Reliable would stand her up? Yeah, right... -- while I'm desperately trying to reassure myself that you're coming back, at least for tonight. I have this ridiculous, horrible sick feeling that I'll never see you again.
Then you show and I swear my heart starts beating again and I'd never even noticed it'd quit. And the first words from you are about how you went and got your old apartment back... and my blood runs cold. Damn, Benny, I knew this was happening... I've known it all day, but somehow that makes it all real. It's not just me. You've realized it just won't work....
And as I fend off Frannie's protests I can't look you in the eye.
During dinner I try to regain the fantasy, try to take comfort from the way you seem to be genuinely enjoying yourself, in your quiet way. You're even smiling now and then... you've come a long way from that first time, huh?
And I see you've turned fending off my sister into a real art form. When I hear her start in my first instinct is to try to save you; my second that I might somehow give us away by doing so. But you don't need saving, do you? I watch you dodge her blatant come-ons with an innocence too careful to be real. It makes me want to crow with pride.
Damn you're good! And you're mine, all mine.
I catch your eye across the table and we share a secret, private look....
Then Ma says something. And as I turn to her I see that sadness... but I am not going to deal with it now, I'm not. Maybe I'll never have to.
And now I'm back to reality again, damn it. Sometimes reality just bites, Benny.
You're reassuring little Rosa that Dief's on his way and that catches me by surprise. For a moment I think, hope... but no, you would have done that back at the consulate this morning, right? Back in the lingering, perfect glow of this morning when you reapplied for your old job and before you realized... before it hit you what you were giving up... and what you were returning to....
Suddenly Ma's best lasagna tastes like dog food and I can't choke down any more.
Before I even realize it, I'm driving you home. We're in the car and... oh, God, Benny I know I should... but I'm too desperate to hold on to this last moment for as long as I possibly can to speak.
I pull up in front of your apartment for what may be the last time and I know my heart is breaking, Benny, I can feel it cracking right open... and I can only nod dumbly as I hear you speak the words... giving them a hellish reality with an angel's voice....
"Ray, we need to talk."
<finis>
Dianne
"Just call me Scheherazade..." <g>
Dianne la Mercenaire... -*- <cat.goddess@pobox.com>
Vanity Web Page-- http://moonlight.dreamhost.com/lamerc/
"I had to. I was depressed. When depressed, we must dance and throw a
party." -- Chris