DEAD AND LOVING IT
by Elena ‘Halbarad’ halbarad_12@hotmail.com
http://www.angelfire.com/on2/duesouth
Rating: G
Pairings: Fraser/Thatcher
Spoilers: Dead Men Don’t Throw Rice, All the Queen’s Horses, Perfect Strangers, Victoria’s Secret.
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, but if I did, this is what I would do of them ^_^
Archiving: just tell me where and keep my name on it.
Teaser: This is a fixit for Dead Men Don’t Throw Rice; it takes place right after the end of the episode. Am I the only one who thinks Meg’s reaction to Fraser’s apparent death was the most significant of all?
The biggest ‘thank you kindly’ goes to Debbie, whose wonderful job made this thing readable. You’re a precious beta!

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Offspring was playing loud on Ray’s black GTO heading towards the Consulate, and Ray just couldn’t stop talking: "Fraser, don’t you feel you know, glad... I mean, you saw all those people comin’ to see ya’ when they thought ya’ were dead!"
"Actually Ray, I can’t say I saw them coming, I was still under the effects of..."
"Yeah, yeah, ya’ know what I mean. Bet when I die, it’ll be me and the priest there at the coffin," said the Detective with a sad note in his voice.
Fraser felt he had to say something; he hated when his friend acted like this : "Oh well, I’ll be there too... if I am still alive, of course."
"Thanks, Frase."
"You are welcome."
Ray resumed his story: "Ya’ missed a lot o’ the show, anyway; Frannie stormin’ in and cryin’ all over you, an’ then Turnbull burst into tears like a garden hose an’ soaked Welsh’s shoulder. But that Inspector of yours! Ya’ should’a seen her, she just stared at ya’ for like five minutes, and then when ya’ jerked up out of the coffin like Dracula, she fell down like a bag o’..."
"Yes, Ray," interrupted Fraser, not at all willing to hear the end of the sentence. "I saw her fainting. I’m sorry I came out so suddenly, but I can’t control my muscles when I wake up from the effects of the tetrodotossine."
"Don’t change the subject, Frase!"
"I didn’t, Ray," he replied with his best innocent look.
"Yeah, you did."
"I’m quite sure I didn’t."
Ray couldn’t stand it when he played dumb. "I say you did! I was talkin’ about the Ice Queen and her shocked reaction an’ you just hate it when I talk about her, don’t ya’ ?"
"Shocked reaction?" Fraser repeated, and his head snapped in Ray’s direction.
*Now I really got ‘im interested,* thought Ray, trying not to smile with satisfaction . "That’s what I said. See, I know shock, and I’m tellin’ you: that was real shock. She couldn’t even cry! Unless of course it’s cuz of her icy heart... maybe she can’t cry at all, you know, maybe when it was her turn the angels ran out of sensitivity."
"Now, Ray, don’t be ridiculous: I’m sure she can cry, and she is really quite sensitive."
Ray turned to face Fraser and couldn’t hide the wicked grin anymore. "She is?"
Fraser looked away and started blushing slightly. "Well...yes."
"An’ just how do ya’ know that?"
"Uh, I think I know her quite well by now, she loves children for instance, and..." he stopped, running a finger under the collar of his tunic.
"And what? Go on Fraser, spill it!"
The Mountie was as red as a traffic light by now, but he finally blurted out "Well, she once told me she was upset when she thought I thought she was cold hearted."
Ray’s face expressed all possible disbelief. "Now THAT is interesting! Did I miss somethin’? You gotta fill me in."
How did they got so close to talking about something he had been ordered to forget months earlier? "There’s nothing else to say really, it was all part of that ..."
"Let me guess, the train incident."
"Well, yes."
"OK, now that’s a story I’d really like to hear."
There was no way he could tell him that story, but he needed an escape... luckily right then Ray stopped the car in front of the Consulate. The escape! "I’m sure you would, but you see, we are at the Consulate, and I am quite tired, so if you will excuse me..." And he got out of the car, closing the door quickly.
Ray leaned across the seat and shouted: "You can run away this time, but not forever: one day yer gonna gimme the whole story!"
Fraser barely held back a smile of relief. "Maybe, Ray. See you tomorrow!"

***

Shocked. Fraser was replaying his conversation with Ray in his mind and the only part he could recall exactly was about the Inspector. She was shocked… staring at him for nearly five minutes... How could he have been so inconsiderate? He had made many people suffer with his little trick; he had to admit it gave him a sort of pleasure to think so many people cared about him, but he had still made them suffer. Especially some of them. Some he particularly cared about. With the Determined Mountie Look on his face, he strode quickly to Inspector Thatcher’s office. The door was ajar.
"Inspector?" he called before opening it slowly.
"Fraser!" She was sitting at her desk and raised her head from her laptop in surprise; but she wasn’t wearing her glasses, indicating that she wasn’t actually working.
"May I talk to you for a moment?" asked Fraser with more confidence than he was feeling.
"S...sure, of course," came the hesitant reply.
*She is still acting strangely,* Fraser noticed. *And she looks tired, almost exhausted.*
He straightened a bit and began, "About today, I wanted to apologize for..." he paused, fumbling for the right words.
"For what?"
"For... pretending to be dead. I should have told you about our plan before putting it into action. I didn’t think the word would have spread like this, and I didn’t mean to create problems to anyone." He saw her frown, then rub her fingertips on her brow . She replied with a tired voice, "Of course you should have told me, since I’m your commanding officer, but you never bothered to tell me anything you do with that detective, so why starting now?"
Yes, why starting now? "Be...because, I mean, I’ve been told about your... reaction to my death and I didn’t mean to upset any..." Her eyes widened and she interrupted him, "I wasn’t upset, Fraser, why do you think I was upset?"
"No, Ma’am, of course you weren’t, if you say so. Ray just described your reaction as shocked, but of course he could have been mistaken. I am sure you were staring at me for a perfectly logical reason." It came out a little more abruptly than he had intended to sound. Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea, after all. They were both embarrassed, and they both hated talking about their feelings. He’d better leave before she got angry and accused him of making things up. But she chose that exact moment to get up from her chair and head for the window.
"Do you know this is the second time I have thought you were dead?" she said quietly, facing the window the entire time.
"Yes, I do."
"And do you remember what I told you the first time, when I saw you were alright?"
"Yes. You said that you grieved for me... briefly." Fraser wondered what she was trying to say.
"This time it was..." she paused and sighed. "I’ve seen many people die, some of whom were very close to me. I should be used to the pain, but I’m not. Do you find my reaction strange, Constable?"
Fraser was beginning to think he had done much more damage than he had thought.
"No, not at all. I’m very..."
She continued as if she wasn’t just listening to him, "It’s like having your heart ripped out of your chest and you can only stand there and hope it will stop, eventually. Nothing can help it, not crying, or screaming... you just wait for it to pass."
Her voice grew sadder and started to tremble, and Fraser suspected that there was a story behind this. He wanted to tell her he knew exactly what she was feeling, but he wasn’t sure she wanted to hear that. He moved closer to her, and putting his hand on her right shoulder, he made her turn to face him. She was on the verge of tears, despite what she had just said .
"Do you remember you once said you considered me a partner, rather than your subordinate?"
"Yes."
"I want to apologize sincerely. As a partner. A friend. Will you forgive me, as a friend?"
She clung to his arm with her right hand and finally broke into silent tears. He could feel her tears and her wet cheek on the back of his hand, and felt the sudden urge to hold her tightly until she calmed down, but somehow knew she wouldn’t like it, or at least she wouldn’t consider it appropriate. As bad as he was feeling for being the cause of her pain, he didn’t know what else he could do to comfort her. At least she was crying it out. He envied her; he couldn’t do it. Well, he did once, but that was different; he had loved Victoria and he thought he had lost her for good... was it really different? What if the Inspector felt... there was no way he could know it, so he’d better stop wondering. He suddenly felt the grip on his arm tightening, and Meg lifted her head to look him in the eye. She had stopped crying, but her cheeks were still streaked by tears. Her eyes were clean and deep, and while he thought he saw something in them, he had no idea on how to interpret that look.
"Constable," she said with a low, shaking voice, "if you ever feel the urge to die again, do me a favour: resist it." She was smiling now - that was something Fraser could understand: he smiled back and just replied:
"Understood."

FINE