Disclaimers at end

Rated PG

Pairings none

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By: Winston

It was going to be a long week for Stanley Raymond Kowalski. The reason was kind of odd, or at least Ray thought so. Sunday evening Ray had taken Fraser to the airport to catch a flight to Toronto. He would be gone all week on Consulate business. Ray had to smile at himself every time he thought about it, but he had started missing the Mountie before he had even gotten back to his apartment. Geeze was that crazy or what. Miss Fraser? He had to be the most aggravating person he had ever met in his life. But the truth was, he was also the best friend that he had ever had in his life. Go figure.

It wasn't that they spent all that much time together after work. It was just that he always knew that Fraser was there if he needed him, even if it was just to stop by the Consulate and stir up the Ice Queen a little. With Fraser out of town his choices for company were pretty much limited to his parents or maybe, if he were lucky, Stella. The trouble was, his parents weren't real close, and his luck with Stella was pretty rotten.

The one advantage that he had was that he had time to prepare for Fraser's absence. He had volunteered to help cover a stakeout. It was going to work out pretty good. It would only be for a few hours after his shift, and only ever other night, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It would serve to give him a few extra bucks in his pocket, and a few brownie points with Welsh. Both would come in handy. It would also help kill some time until his partner got back.

MONDAY:

Ray had arrived at the stakeout right on time. The Detective that he was to replace was setting at the corner of Hoover and Marion. Ray arrived at 5:oo in one of the police pool cars. The 'Goat' was a little too conspicuous for a stakeout. Ray waited as the officer pulled out and then angled his Intrepid into the empty space. He had taken the time to pick-up a few munchies from a Quick-Mart, and had grabbed the tapes he had made off of a couple of new CD's he had bought over the weekend. He had recently gotten on to a Blues kick. He had always liked the stuff, so lately he had been adding some to his selection of music. He was proud of his collection. It was a pretty mixed bag, but that was ok, he liked it. This stakeout stuff was going to be a piece of cake. It was early spring, but the weather was ok. The temperature was comfortable. The music was good. Who could ask for more? .......Well Stanley Raymond Kowalski could......Stella.....Damn of all the days to see her.

Ray had to go to the Courthouse Monday morning to testify in a simple robbery case. It hadn't taken long. He was in and out in less than 2 hours. That in itself was probably some kind of a record. Sometimes you could blow a whole day waiting to testify, but things had gone good. As he pulled out of the parking lot he saw Stella standing on the Courthouse steps talking to another Lawyer from her office. Damn. She looked so good. Why did just seeing her tear him up so? Was he ever going to get over her? And why did he have to see her on a day he knew was going to be ending on a stupid stakeout?

Ray jammed in one of the new tapes and cranked up the volume. Maybe the music could drown-out the thoughts of Stella that kept floating to the front of his brain.

Oh No. Bonnie Raitt

This ole life is fallen' down around my ears,

I'm drownin' in a river of my tears.

When all my will is gone you hold me sway.

I need you at the dimming of the day.

You pull me like the moon pulls on the tide,

You know just where I keep my better side.

But daybreak comes to keep us far apart

A broken promise, or this broken heart.

Now all the fiery words just wheel away,

I need you at the dimming of the day

Come the night you're only what I want.

Come the night you could be my confidant.

I see you on the street in company,

Why don't you come and ease your mind with me.

I'm living for the night we'll steal away,

I need you at the dimming of the day.

By the time the song had ended Ray's hands were tightly gripping the wheel. He lowered his head down onto his hands and sighed. He knew Stella was going to be in Welsh's office tomorrow. Maybe he would have a chance to talk to her. Oh well, a guy can hope.

WEDNESDAY:

Ray could kick himself. Not only was he spending another night on this stupid stakeout, but he had also agreed to stay over another hour. The Detective who was scheduled to take over for Ray wanted to go to his daughter's Church program. Oh ya, What was a guy supposed to do? Say no? He really didn't mind it was just that he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night. It was his own fault, and he knew it. Why did he keep getting himself into these head games over Stella? She had made it pretty obvious how she felt yesterday. Another plan shot-ta-hell.

Ray had seen her just as she entered the Bullpen. Man she looked hot. He always loved to see her in those little short skirts. He stepped over to intercept her as she was nearing Welsh's office. All he got out of his mouth was a quick "Hey Stel. How are ya?" And all hell broke loose. She turned on him and cut loose with both barrels. It was pretty obvious that she was not in a good mood. Luckily Welsh was the only one around to hear it. It wasn't the first time that Welsh heard Stella take her knife to Ray, and it wasn't the first time that he shut her down with a commanding "That will be enough Ms. Kowalski."

Welsh was pretty fond of Ray. He knew that Ray could be a little obnoxious at times, but he had heard Ray's innocent comment. He didn't deserve that kind of a response. Welsh made it a point to tell Stella that when they had reached the privacy of his office. Ray was one of his Detectives and he expected her to treat him with some respect on the job. For his part, Ray had just ducked his head, threw up his hands and walked away. Geeze! That shit was embarrassing.

Ray spent Tuesday evening pacing the apartment and trying to make some sense of what had happened. He had heard that the case Stella was working was a tough one. He knew that she was probably stressed out about it. But did she need to take it out on him? Did he deserve that kind of treatment? He was starting to wonder what kind of a guy would keep opening himself to such abuse. Was he being a fool? He knew most of the guys at work thought he was pretty pathetic where Stella was concerned. Heck...Maybe they were right. That chain of thought was not conducive to a good nights sleep.

Back on stakeout and it was nearing 9:30. Ray was starting to get really sleepy. He hesitated to play another one of those new tapes. They sure didn't do him much good on Monday night. Ah heck. What was the chance of running across another song like that? He shoved in one of the tapes and reached for the bag of chips he had brought with him. Oh Ya. He liked this.....Let's give 'em something to talk about, baby....Oh ya kickin'. It was the next song that got him.....

Broken heart, blood shot stares, all signs

Of a fool who cared too much.

Now she's gone and he can't remember how,

To live without her touch.

Hopin' to die, but surely livin' to tell:

When it comes to matters of the heart,

There is nothing a fool won't get used to.

Now of all the things love teaches,

All the ways that it opens our eyes,

None more profound than the lesson he learned,

The day she walked out of his life.

Well when the road gets too narrow,

It's then he remembers her smile.

And sees these words forming on her lips,

'Cross the river of tears he once cried.

"When it comes to matters of the heart,

There is nothin' that 'you' won't get used to

No nothin' a fool won't get used to"

Geeze! This Bonnie Raitt must have read his mail, or somethin'. This shit was gettin' spooky.

At 10:00 Ray pulled the Intrepid away from the curb, and headed home. He had a CD he needed to set down and really listen to. It could be another long sleepless night.

FRIDAY:

It was almost 9:00pm. Ray's part of the stakeout was almost over. He was just a little nervous. He was going to see Stella after work. He had called her at her office today and asked if he could stop by. He told her that it was important. She had agreed. She even apologized for her outburst on Tuesday. Ray had a pretty good idea that that was one of the only reasons she had agreed to see him tonight. But heck, if guilt is what it takes to get through her door right now he'll use it. Ray wanted to get this little job done as soon as possible. He didn't know how long his courage would last.

When Ray arrived at Stella's apartment he was relieved to find her in a really good mood. She had just got a call from her office. They had finally gotten the last bit of evidence it would take to close the case that had been bothering her on Tuesday.

The first few minutes of Ray's visit was spent on what details Stella could reveal about the case, and

general small talk. It was almost like old times. The difference tonight was that Ray had finally come to the realization that 'old times' were all they were ever going to have. After years of useless hope he finally had come to understand that it was time for him to get on with his life.

Ray tried to explain this to Stella. He could tell by her reaction that she didn't really believe him. She would just smile and nod her head, like it was some old joke that she had already heard. Ray couldn't blame her. It wasn't the first time that he had tried to do this. What Stella couldn't know was that this wasn't the same ole Ray setting with her tonight. It had taken awhile. It hadn't been easy. But Ray was not the same man who had agreed to step in for Ray Vecchio. The main reason for that was Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP.

After spending so much time with Fraser, Ray was at last coming to understand his own worth. From day one Fraser never missed a chance to tell Ray when he had done a good job. Mounties don't lie. Well anyway Fraser never did, and he was the Mountie that counted with Ray. Having a friend like Fraser can make all the difference in anyone's life. When you have some one that good and honest who values you as a friend and as a partner you just naturally start putting some faith in yourself. Ray knew he had a long way to go to reach the level that Fraser knew he could reach, but he had made a good start. It wasn't going to be easy. Self-doubt was a hard thing to get over. It had taken Ray a long time to even realize that he was worth the effort that it was going to take. But hey. He had a good friend that was going to help. He could do it. Heck with Fraser around Ray sometimes felt that he could do about anything.

Ray sat for some time just looking at his ex-wife. He wanted her to understand, but he wasn't getting through to her. Suddenly he had an idea. He had the tape down in the car. He excused himself, ran down to the car and returned with a sad wistful smile and Bonnie Raitt. Stella was in a good mood so it was easy to get her to agree to dance.

They danced together for what could be the last time, and Stella didn't get it, he could tell. When 'the' song began Ray held Stella just a little tighter and asked her to please listen to the words. He wanted her to understand.

Turn out the lights; turn down the bed,

Turn down these voices inside my head.

Come dance with me, tell me no lies.

Just hold me close; don't patronize,

Don't patronize.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make you heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark in these final hours,

I will lay down my heart, feel the power that you won't,

No but you won't

I can't make you love me if you don't

I'll close my eyes then I won't see,

The love you don't feel when you're holdin' me,

Morning will come, I'll do what's right,

Just give me 'till then to give up this fight.

Then I will give up this fight.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't

You can't make your heart feel something it won't

Here in the dark in these final hours,

I will lay down my heart, give up the power. But you won't,

No but you won't

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

When the song ended Ray gently pushed Stella out to arm length and looked deeply into her eyes, willing her to understand. She still didn't get it, and there was nothing more for him to say. Ray smiled a rather sad smile, kissed her lightly on the cheek and said his good-bye.

Ray had kind of figured on a rather long, and possibly, drunken night of dancing around his apartment mourning for his lost love. As he headed his prize GTO back home he was totally surprised to feel a strange kind of peace settle in his soul. He knew that he would always love Stella. He would miss her for a long, long time. He also knew that tonight had marked the beginning of a new chapter in the life of Stanley Raymond Kowalski.

He smiled.

ONE MONTH LATER:

Something wasn't right. There had been something niggling at the back of her brain and she couldn't put her finger on it. Then she saw Ray.

It was a Friday. She had an appointment to see Lt. Welsh. As she walked through the bullpen she saw Ray and Fraser amid a small group of officers in an animated discussion on some case in progress. Stella waited for Ray's radar to kick in. He always knew when she entered a room. Nothing happened. Finally after what seemed like a long time, she crossed the room and stood almost directly in front of him. Only then did he notice. He smiled that beautiful smile. As the group broke-up around them he kissed her lightly on the cheek, asked her how she was doing, and without waiting for a reply quickly excused himself. He explained that he was in the middle of something important, and it was really good to see her. He then turned and hurried over to where Frannie and Fraser were huddled over the computer.

LATER THAT NIGHT:

Stella sat at her desk in her apartment. It was covered with a stack of work that she had brought home from the office. It was going to be a busy night. But her mind just wasn't on it. All day she had kept running through what had happened with Ray. Something had changed and she was just now starting to notice it. She thought back through the last month. She had seen Ray often, but it wasn't until today, when his radar failed, that she really began to wonder. He no longer came around with that hangdog look. He hadn't made any off- hand remarks about them getting together sometime. Oh he was always glad to see her. He would smile, or kiss her cheek, but something had changed. For the first time in a long time Stella Kowalski was scared. She could feel a kind of fear start to burn deep down in her soul. What had she done?

He had stopped by about a month ago, and had tried to tell her something. Stella had been so high over a case that she wasn't really paying a lot of attention to him. Oh she had heard the words, but he had said them all before many times. There was that song. It had seemed so important to him. What was it? Wait the tape was still here. He had left it when he said good-bye.

Stella walked to her stereo, found the tape and slipped it in. She just hoped she could remember which song it was. It took her awhile to find it, but as soon as it started she remembered the tightening embrace and the voice in her ear. "Listen to the words"

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see,

The love you don't feel when you're holding me.

Morning will come, I'll do what's right.

Just give me 'till then to give up this fight.

Then I will give up this fight.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

You can't make your heart feel something it won't.

Here in the dark, in these final hours,

I will lay down my heart, feel the power that you won't,

No that you won't.

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

It finally began to make sense. Ray had come by that night to say good-bye. This time he had really done it. Stella finally understood. Ray had finally made the break. This could be a good thing. She had left Ray for a career. It was the most important thing in her life. She had worked so hard to get where she was, and it hadn't been easy. She looked again at the stack of work on her desk and forced herself to smile. Yes. This was her life now. This is what she had always wanted.

She knew that Ray would always be there for her. He was that kind. Now he could move on with his life. She would just not be a part of it anymore. Yes. This should be a good thing. Somehow though it didn't feel that way.

Stella smiled, shut the tape off and walked toward her desk. It was time to do some work. She had a big day tomorrow. She would get some stuff done and get to bed early. As she began to shuffle through her paper work her mind kept wandering back to Ray. She would shake her head and smile. This new situation was going to take some getting used to, but she knew it was for the best. It had been so hard on Ray. It had taken him so long to get past the pain that she had caused him. But now he was going to be all right. There was no way of going back now. She couldn't risk putting him through it again. A lump formed in her throat. That fear that she had felt enter her soul earlier suddenly made itself known again......There was no way of going back now.

ACROSS TOWN

Fraser was a happy man. The hockey game was a barn-burner. The pizza was really good tonight, and his partner was in a very good mood. To be honest, they were both very tired, to the point of almost being silly; but it was a good tired. Fraser was really relieved that Ray was so happy. He had seen Ray and Stella talking today. That usually put Ray in a rather dark frame of mind. One that the Mountie sometimes had a hard time getting him over. But he had noticed a change in Ray. Oh he still spoke of Stella often, but not with the sadness that he once did. Maybe things were going to be looking up for his partner. He sure hoped so. Ray was his friend, and he deserved some happiness. He would have to talk to him about it sometime. But it would have to wait until after this game. It was too good to interrupt.

STELLA'S APARTMENT: 3:00A.M.

Stella pulled herself up off the chair in her livingroom. She couldn't sleep..... There was no way of going back now....Maybe some music would help. She walked to the stereo and started the tape. It was Ray's tape.....There was no way of going back now....

As the music began she absently walked to her desk. She looked at her scattered paperwork and thought of Ray. Could she have really been willing to trade this career for the purest love she would ever know. That beautiful smile, always filled with such love, and concern. It had been her's. Was it gone from her life now? Things would be different. The smile would always be the same. But it wasn't her's anymore....There was no way of going back now.....

Stella Kowalski wrapped her arms tightly around herself, and moved with the music. She could almost imagine his strong slim body against her. She could feel the warmth of his hand on her back. But the words of a song stung her heart. If only she could see that smile just one more time.

This ole life is fall'in down around my ears,

I'm drownin' in a river of my tears.

When all my will is gone you hold me sway.

I need you at the dimming of the day.

Come the night you're only what I want,

Come the night you could be my confidant,

I see you on the street in company,

Why don't you come and ease your mind with me.

I'm living for the night we'll steal away,

I need you at the dimming of the day.

Stella began to cry.

Songs: Dimming of the Day

Matters of the Heart

I Can't Make You Love Me

(Honorable mention)-Let's Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About-

Disclaimer; Due South belongs to Alliance

Bonnie Raitt's CD 'Road Tested' belongs to Capital