Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Drama/Romance Rated PG

"The First Consciousness"

By SL Haas

(Copyright January 1997, revised June 1999)

September 1984

Take right now--I don't consciously remember climbing up here to the Point. Yet, here I am. I remember coming home and shedding my trappings for my jeans and flannels. I hate wearing dresses or suits or other such frippery. But, I guess I will have to get used to it--must maintain some sort of professional attitude. Honestly, dress does not make a professional. Someday, I hope to be able to work in 'comfortable' clothing. But not right now, not as the newest member of the faculty.

I remember the first time Ben saw me in a dress. He invited me to attend the symphony in the city with him. I had the perfect dress to wear. Admittedly, I was a little apprehensive about wearing it. In fact, I had never worn it! It, uh...revealed a little more of my...uh...'personality (!?!) than I cared to reveal. But it was just perfect for this one date. Our first 'official' date.

The way he looked at me when he saw me in that dress...I guess that's the first time that I really realized that he found me physically attractive. Not just as a woman friend, but as a WOMAN friend. It was frightening, yet strangely gratifying to see the desire flare in those beautiful eyes. I have never seen blue eyes darken the way his did. I shall always remember that moment when he made me intensely aware of the fact I was a woman and he was a man...

'Okay, Phil, let's not get sidetracked onto that subject!' I give myself a good shake. 'Now, what was I thinking about? Oh yeah, how I ended up here...'

Anyway, I pulled on my comfortable clothes and next thing I knew I was climbing up here to my special place. I love it here. It is so peaceful, so quiet, so isolated from the rest of the world. The only sounds I can hear are natural--no cars, no people, no 'civilization'--just me and the wind. Sometimes, I think I can hear the river even though it's about 5 miles away. It's so tranquil here--I can think and not be disturbed. Although all I seem to think about is that 'Mountie' and he certainly disturbs me.

I know now that I'm in love with him and I think he loves me. He says he does, but I don't know what he really means when he says "I love you' and I'm afraid to ask. I wish he didn't have to leave. Every time I think about him returning to Canada I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my heart. I never knew love could hurt so much.

His duty is too strong for him to stay here with me and I don't know if he'll ask me to go with him. Somehow, I doubt he will. We have consistently avoided the issue. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much for him--that I had never met him. Things would be so much easier.

Looking back over this summer, I have tried to identify that moment when I knew I loved him--to see if there was any way I could have prevented all of this. At first I was terrified of his effect on me. He brought out feelings that I never knew I had. He could reduce me to a quivering, spineless jellyfish with a single kiss. And could he kiss!

Whoa! I have felt his lips gentle and tentative and I have felt them ferocious and demanding. I never knew a kiss could come in so many variations. The first time he 'really' kissed me I thought my brain would explode and my body would burst into flame. That was the first time I really realized that I desired him and wanted him to love me physically. He has consistently kidded me about 'cold showers' these past months. On that day, I was grateful for a cold lake.

In some ways I wish I hadn't pushed him off that rock, but the expression on his face was priceless. I'll admit, I should have checked to be sure he was a good swimmer, but at the time I just wasn't thinking. And he didn't have to exact his revenge. It was an accident, for crying out loud! I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him, but it was funny. I still tease him about his cold 'bath' and laugh at him. But then he reminds me of his 'revenge' and grins that devil's grin of his. He can stop me with the simple words: sweet revenge.

He tells me over and over that he is not used to laughing and smiling as much as he has with me. I find that hard to believe. He is such a...I guess the 'polite' word would be 'character.'

Character. That describes T to a 'T'. He has such an inordinate amount of character; it's like he got a double or triple portion of it when he was born. I knew he desired me and wanted to make love to me. But...I couldn't. I just couldn't give myself to him without some kind of commitment. I guess I had visions of a one-night stand. Why else would he stay with me? So I asked him to stop and he did. He didn't question why I stopped him. He just stopped because I asked him to. He's an honorable man. The concept of honor means something to him.

I feel so lost thinking of him. I love him. I know there will never be another man for me. I also know I will never have him. Marriage or a commitment of any kind has not been mentioned. I am losing him just as surely as TJ lost Noelle when she died. Recently, I have come to realize that if he asked me now, asked me to 'love' him, there would be no hesitation on my part. I might have his child. I want to have his children. I can't believe how much I love him.

When did I first realize I loved him and he loved me? I guess I knew he really cared for me after that fiasco in Blue Basin. I remember taking pictures of the cascade, the horse train, and vague images of a beautiful woman who reminds me of Ben. I remember the cold and then the heat and Ben caring for me. If he hadn't followed me, I would have died out there alone. But...he did follow me. He said something about knowing I was in trouble. He found me and carried me to the cabin. I don't remember all that went on and Ben won't tell me--all I know is he kept me alive until the chopper picked us up and took us to the hospital. I survived exposure, two bruised ribs, and a concussion only to be felled by pneumonia in the hospital. That was where I realized just how much I needed him.

Amazing! He actually stood up to both my brothers. I sometimes think that Ben cares more for them than for me. I am so thankful that TJ and Rob like him. He's the first guy I've dated that they've approved of. I know they would like for him to become a part of our family. I just wish I knew what Ben wanted. I need more from him.

But need is not love. Just because I need something doesn't mean I love it. I need a flu shot each year, that doesn't mean I love it. I need good tires on my car, that doesn't mean I love them. So I admitted I needed him, but when did I actually fall for him? What was it that captured my heart?

He has so many endearing qualities to him. He's polite, gentle, considerate, loyal--sounds like a boy scout! He is so handsome, intelligent, a bit of a joker--he makes me laugh. And his eyes...I have never seen eyes as beautiful as his. They are as blue as the sky above, as blue as the fire in an aquamarine, but...they remind me most of that blue found in the heart of a glacier. Glacial ice--beautiful blue without the coldness--suffused with a warmth and tenderness that I find directed at me. I still cannot believe that he loves me. Why me? Whenever I look into his eyes I remember a snatch of something I read a long time ago: "Blue color is everlastingly appointed by the Deity to be a source of delight." His eyes are definitely a delight to me.

He's also talented. He gave me a sketch of Thunder Basin. It was perfect--down to the tiny figure of him (I could tell by the hat) sliding over the cliff. And he can sing! His voice is so...so beautiful. 'Admit it to yourself, Phil--it's sexy!' I want to melt when I hear him sing. I can still hear him singing that love song to me. His voice caresses some... something inside me and the heat builds and I want to throw caution to the wind. Morals be damned!

I remember the first time we sang together. Honestly, he could make frogs sound like an angelic choir. If I had only known what was in store for me, I would never have shared my piano bench with him. He is so devious! How many times did I tell him I was not, repeat, not participating in that charity talent contest. I was already a part of the stage crew and I wasn't about to inflict 'stage fright' on myself. I should have known better. Someday...someday I vowed to get my revenge on that sneaky, underhanded Mountie.

I think that perhaps a small desire for revenge precipitated that last trip up to Thunder Basin. I knew that he wanted to face that slope again. Just as I had to, he needed to face it and conquer his fears. There is no explaining the terror that comes from being powerless to stop yourself from hurtling over a cliff. Unless you've actually done it, it's hard to understand the soul-numbing panic that sets in. I still shake in my boots, although not as badly as I did those first couple of years after my fall. If you don't face your fears head-on, they slowly eat away at your soul until nothing is left but fear. Ben needed to face that slope at least once before he went home to Canada.

He was magnificent. He handled it like he had been negotiating the scree for years. I was so proud of him. And the time we spent sitting there on the lip of the precipice--I will cherish those memories all my life.

My thoughts keep drifting back to the night at Vicker's Cabin. He wanted to know why I wouldn't give into our mutual desires. I tried to explain to him my thoughts. He seemed to understand. I only wish...I understood. I love him, yet I hold back from him. He doesn't press me, but I can feel his passion, his burning desire, his wanting. My resolve to wait for a commitment is faltering. I want him so badly it hurts. But my conscience keeps reminding me that he is leaving and I will never see him again.

I denied him once again--denied him something we both wanted. I felt like I was denying water to a man dying of thirst. But he only held me and said he understood. He said he could wait. And he has waited, is still waiting.

He is such a wonderful partner. He seems to know what I need before I need it. He has shown me many things, made me feel emotions I didn't know I had, and what have I given him? I showed him how to taste rocks and fall down scree slopes. That seems like such a poor trade for all that he has given me. I want him so much. I want to give myself to him-to experience a night in his arms. I want to let myself go-to give into my body's yearnings, to feel his hands and lips on me, to feel his naked body next to mine...

'Phil, you're losing it! Get control of yourself now!' I take deep breaths, striving for control of my racing heartbeat.

When did I first realize I loved Ben? I'm not sure. Did I love him on first sight? Did love grow over the time we got to know each other? Am I even sure this is love?

I'm jolted out of my reverie by rocks clattering down onto my shelf. I turn to see Ben climbing down to me. There is that grin of his. Knowing that he rarely smiles around others, much less laughs or grins like he does with me, I feel privileged. I smile back at him.

He's ten feet away, five feet, two... He takes me into his arms and kisses me, his glacier blue eyes smiling down on me. It hits me hard! I know...I...now...know when I first fell in love with him. I have loved him from that moment at Miller's Crossing when I first gazed into those bottomless blue pools. I fell into their depths and have been drowning ever since.

To be continued (?)

Copyright January 1997 by SL Haas

Revised June 1999