This story was inspired by the song Eternal Flame. Secondary songs include Mississippi by Paula Cole and Little Bits of Lightning by Martina McBride. Kinda sequel to 'Surrender' and you better read the stories associated with this universe in order to fully comprehend this. Post-COTW, rate R - NC17, can't decide, but nothing graphic, sorry...*bg*

Anyway, this was supposed to be a little 1 page thingie...it just grew...another 5 pages...Big Thank You Kindly to (alphabetically) Kasha, Kittie, Maxine, Milla and Taleya for betaing. Feel free to post it to other lists as long as you let me know. Well, it really did took me forever to get this piece up, sorry for the delays!! :)

Disclaimers: Not mine. Not making money so no point suing.

Sept 99

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Forever (Your Love, My Saving Grace)

By Eugenie Chua

1/7/xx

I felt a smile creep onto my face as I watched him sleep. Watching him sleep seemed to have become a favorite past time of mine lately. Does he know? I doubt it, since every time I'm doing it, he's kinda...asleep.

Sometimes, when I watch, I think that I might be dreaming, that I'd wake up and find myself alone again. I've grown so dependant on him and that scares the shit outta me almost as much as that hollow feeling of being alone. I've felt that loneliness before and I don't welcome it, not if I can help it.

After Stella, I didn't think I'd ever feel this way again. She was the only person I ever truly loved and after she left, I thought that was it, that I'd never feel true love again. But that was before Fraser came along and threw that theory outta the window.

The loneliness after the separation was unbearable. So much so that I sometimes found myself in bed with near strangers. It didn't help. In fact, it just made things worse, reminding me of what I'd had, lost, and possibly would never have again. The feeling of being in love, and of being loved in return. The feeling of completeness...

When I finally realized that I was falling for him, I was already way too far down the road to stop myself. Hiding my feelings became too hard and painful. A near impossibility when the so-called object of my affection practically hung out with me every single day.

The rejection was expected, but who ever said that expectations stops the pain? I thought I could forget about it, get on with my life like I did after Stella, but I couldn't. Until finally that night when the Botrelle case ended, all those feelings finally overwhelmed me, let loose like a floodgate finally allowed to be opened.

Guilt...loss...loneliness...emptiness...

I could've lost everything that night and not known about it.

I was so jealous when Vecchio came back that I couldn't keep my head straight. I don't know why, but I just felt this...this threat. It didn't helped that he dumped me with the Ice Queen during stakeout and was back being partner with Vecchio. I felt that whatever he said about loving me was a big fat lie.

Lost.... Vecchio was back, who was I? I'd been Vecchio so long that I didn't know how to be me again. Besides, I didn't really like the me I was before anyway. So who was I? There was another me, the one that comes out when I don't have to pretend to be Vecchio, but that me only exists, heart and soul, with Fraser. Heart and soul...I felt as though they were being ripped outta me and stepped on. At one point, this crazy thought crossed my mind, that if I would lift up his feet, I would find pieces of broken heart on the sole of his Mountie boots. Lost...that's a good word...

Despite all those feelings, I couldn't deny that I still love him. If it had meant that he'd be happy going back with Vecchio, I would've let him go. I wasn't sure if Vecchio and him were ever together, but I'd heard rumors, and if he'd be happy with him, I would've let him go. Don't know what I would've done with myself, probably might've tried stopping a bullet with my head, but I would've let him go.

Looking back now, it seems stupid. Nevertheless, that was how I felt. God, I don't even know where all this is coming from. Must be my soul spilling night.

Ray stopped writing. Closing the notebook and tucking it back in his bag, he snuggled closer to the warmth of his lover. The toll of traveling in the wilderness of the Territories finally catching up with him.

* * *

"Ray, wake up. Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray..." Fraser repeated.

"Huh? Wha...?"

"Time to wake up."

Ray let out a groan. It felt way too warm, comfortable and contented where he was to feel like getting up. He was not going to give up the warmth of the sleeping bag to get up greeting the cold morning air of the Territories. No, strike that. Make it butt-freezing air. Literally. With that thought in mind, it would now be impossible to get up.

"Ray, we really need to be get going if we are to arrive at Port Radium before nightfall," Fraser reasoned as a fresh cup of hot coffee was placed right beside Ray's head.

Ray let out another groan; ass-freezing air versus fresh hot coffee. Eventually, the coffee won and the detecctive reached out for the cup, struggling to get out of the sleeping bag at the same time.

"You just hafta do that," he complained as he took a sip of the hot black liquid.

They'd been out here in the wilderness for nearly three months and Fraser knew exactly how to get Ray out of bed in the morning. Not to mention how to get him in bed at night. Ray grinned at that thought.

Half an hour later, they were on the move again with Diefenbaker leading the team of sled dogs, continuing their journey to search for the Hand Of Franklin. In spite of the cold and the ever-present danger out here, Ray had come to understand how Fraser could love this great vast expanse of white nothingness. It was peaceful and quite, without the constant noise that defined cities like Chicago, where he had grew up. One could actually think out here.

"Ray," Fraser was behind him, directing the dogsled.

"Yeah?" Ray answered as he watched the dogs in front of him. There wasn't much out here to focus on. Nothing but the white nothingness of snow.

"Do you miss Chicago?" the Mountie asked, as though he had been reading Ray's mind.

"No. Not really anyway," Ray replied after thinking about it for a minute or two. "There's nothin' much back there for me to miss."

"Nothing?"

"Well, maybe Tony's pizza. Hate it when he don't put pineapple on'em, but I like'em anyway."

"Pizza? Not family, friends?"

Ray let out a sigh. "Nah. I hardly see my parents and I've been doin' too many undercover jobs since I made detective to actually have any friends. Besides, the person that really matters to me is right here with me." Ray looked up to Fraser with a contented smile on his face. Fraser smiled back at him. "Ya know, I might even miss this place when we get back," Ray continued after some minutes of silence.

"You will?" Fraser sounded surprised.

"Yeah. It's quiet out here. Peaceful. And the night views aren't too bad either. Haven't seen so many stars since...actually I haven't seen so many stars in one place, ever. And the pictures I've seen of the northern lights ain't doin' it justice."

"It is beautiful here isn't it?"

"That's what I just said Frase."

"Right you are."

"Now, I finally understood why you love this place so much. Believe it or not, I can actually hear myself -think- out here."

Fraser let out a small laugh. "Believe me Ray, I know what you're talking about."

"Oh, I have no doubt 'bout that. How you always had a clear head in Chicago is totally beyond me."

"Ah, I do try my best."

"Bet ya do."

Much of the rest of the journey was spent in silence that was unprecedented since they began their journey. They'd always managed to come up with some topics of discussion whether it be curling or some of Fraser's Inuit stories, they always have something to talk about. At least until yesterday. But the silence wasn't uncomfortable. It was simply that each man was deep in his own thoughts.

As planned, they arrived at a little town in Port Radium before sunset. Ray was thrilled to find a hot water shower in the cabin where they were spending the night.

"Frase, you remember me saying 'bout missin' pizza from back home? Well, I'm addin' 'hot shower' to that list," Ray commented as he stepped out of the shower. "Frase? Somethin' wrong?"

Fraser was sitting at the edge of the double bed, a thoughtful look on his face. Ray was at his side in seconds.

"Oh, nothing's wrong Ray," Fraser looked at his lover with a small grin. "I was just thinking."

"'Bout what?"

"About what you said."

"Hot shower?!"

"Oh, no. Not the shower. What you said earlier, about not missing Chicago..." Fraser trailed off, not bothering to explain himself like he normally did.

"What about...Oh." Realization dawned on Ray.

"Ray..."

"You want me to stay?" It was more a statement than a question.

"I know I don't have the right to ask you to..."

"Frase."

"Give up your life in..."

"Fraser."

"Chicago, but I..."

"Fraser!" That finally caught the Mountie's attention and he looked at Ray expectantly. "Frase, you have every right to ask me to. And if you'd asked, I would've said yes."

"You would?"

"I could never say no to you, and you know that."

There was a moment of silence as Fraser seemed to be running ideas through his head.

"Then...Ray, would you marry me?"

Breathe, Stanley Raymond Kowalski. Breathe! Ray's mind screamed as he sucked in a breath of air. Did he just propose to me?! Looking straight into Fraser's eyes, he saw the love in them. Along with hope, happiness and...fear...Better say somethin' soon, Kowalski, before you freak him out with this silence. Say somethin' damn it! Getting out of the internal monologue with himself, Ray tried to work his voice and managed to croak out one syllable....

"Yes..." Ray drew the other man in for a kiss. A kiss that he put all his heart and soul into, without fearing that they might be crushed or stepped on, a kiss that revealed all and hid nothing.

They finally broke the kiss after what seemed like only seconds, but was really minutes. Foreheads touching, both were gasping for breath.

"Told ya I could never say no to ya," Ray finally said as he recovered.

"Apparently so." Fraser had a big smile on his face, which mirrored Ray's.

"Have anyone told ya that yer too sexy fer yer own good?" The smile slowly faded away and Ray's voice was laden with desire.

"Well," Fraser replied as his breathing quickened, picking up his lover's arousal. "As a matter of fact..." The sentence was never completed. Ray's warm lips silenced Fraser's words and they surrendered themselves over to love and passion...

* * *

1/8/xx

I'm watching him sleep again. Can't seem to help myself. He's just so beautiful...Still can't get my head around the fact that he'd actually proposed to me and that I've said "Yes". Am I dreaming? I hope not. But if I am, I don't think I'll ever wanna wake up 'cause I just can't bear the thought of losing him. What we have between us is...actually, I don't really know exactly what we have. But whatever it is, it's wonderful and it's like nothing I've ever felt before. At least not as strong as this. The words "I love you" seemed... inadequate to describe it. Ha! "Inadequate". Sounds like something Frase would say. I've been hanging around him too long, but I never wanna leave.

Tonight was special. Not because he proposed, well, maybe because of that, but the urgency, that somehow seemed to creep in during our lovemaking in the past, was missing. He took his time tonight. I mean really took his time. Nearly drove me outta my mind with need; the need to be with him, to feel him inside me, the link that physically connects us. The need to meld with him, completely. To be one with him, mind and body, heart and soul. The need for him. Maybe it's the knowledge that we'll really be together, that we have all the time we need. I don't know. But what I do know is, when he finally gave in to my needs, he blew my mind.

For what it's worth, I love you Frase. Forever...

The End.

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