Rated PG for tame m/m.

Francesca Explains It All

by Anne

All feedback, comments, welcome!

And thank you to Michelle, who sorted out my Ninja Turtles!

'OK, that's it! That's enough!' Ray spluttered as he dumped the last of three large boxes on the kitchen table.

'Francesca, do you need anything more?' Fraser, who had already moved six boxes, enquired of Ray's sister. Frannie smiled at him.

'Oh, yes, Benton.' Ray and Maria snorted simultaneously and Fraser blushed.

'I mean, would you like any more boxes brought up from the basement?' Frannie looked at Ray and considered whether to tease him by demanding more assistance, but she knew that they had created plenty of space for last season's clothes collection (short and tight). This would have to go into the basement to create room in her wardrobe for her most recent shopping spree (short, shiny and tight).

'Honestly, how much space can a few frocks and a coupla pairs of shoes take up?' asked Ray.

'Well, Ray, I found the requirements of the well-dressed woman to be...' Ray glared at him and Fraser subsided.

'Cowabunga!' Nicky, Maria's eldest son, had always liked the Ninja Turtles and saw no reason to give them up just because his friends had moved onto something else. Anyway, he could always force his brothers and sisters to play this game even if nobody else would. In pursuit of Shredder (aka Isabella, aged 2) he charged into the kitchen, swung his sword and knocked the largest box onto the floor.

Dozens of photographs and letters scattered around everyone's feet.

'Nicky!' shrieked Maria. 'Pick all of that up this instant!' Grumbling, Nicky did his best to obey the impossible instruction. Fraser knelt by his side and began to assist. One particular photograph caught his eye and he paused to examine it. Francesca leaned over his shoulder and breathed softly in his ear 'What are you looking at?' Then she forgot about seduction and squealed 'Ooh! Ray with hair!'

The subject of this observation glared at her and snatched the photograph. 'Yeah, Frannie, and you with pigtails. You should have kept them, that was a good look for you.'

'Yeah, right' snapped Frannie, grabbing the picture again, but she giggled. 'And look at Maria's shirt!' Her sister leaned over.

'Paisley and big collars are making a comeback, Frannie. You'll be wearing shirts just like that in a couple of months. Good job you can't see the wide trousers. Ma never could get the feet AND the heads in a photograph.' She looked again. 'Who's that with us? Oh, it's Paulie.'

The fourth person in the picture was a tall young man who looked slightly older than the teenage Ray. He had one arm round Ray and the other round Maria. Francesca had obviously squeezed in at the last minute and was holding the stranger round his waist and smiling adoringly up at him.

'Paulie,' sighed Francesca.'He was SO attractive. Tall, dark and gorgeous. You know,' Frannie never missed an opportunity if she could help it, 'he looked a lot like you, Benton.'

Fraser, whose ears were still ringing from her squeal a couple of minutes earlier, smiled uneasily and climbed up onto a chair to sort out some photographs.

'The other thing about him was that he was such a nice guy.' said Maria. 'He was captain of the basketball team and really clever as well, but he never showed off or tried to make you feel uncomfortable. And he was really patient with you, Frannie. '

'Yeah, Paulie was my first love,' sighed Frannie.

'First crush, you mean. He was seven years older than you.' Maria pointed out.

Frannie began to giggle. 'Seven years, seven months, seven minutes. None of it would have made any difference, as it turned out.'

'Here it comes,' muttered Ray, who had, oddly, remained silent during this conversation.

Francesca knelt down in front of Fraser and placed her hands on his knees. 'Let me explain it to you, Benton. Paulie was Ray's best friend at school, he was queer and Ray never even knew. Never even suspected!'

'Nicky, you can go and play outside now,' said his mother.

'Aw, it's just getting interesting!' complained Nicky.

'That's why I want you to go and play outside.' Nicky left the room. 'Outside the house, Nicky.' Maria waited until she heard the front door close behind her son. 'Frannie, I don't want you using that sort of language in front of the kids. In fact, I don't want to hear you using it at all.'

'Well,' Francesca settled herself on the floor at Fraser's feet and glared mutinously at her sister. 'It's true, all of it!'

'OK,' sighed Ray, 'OK. I didn't know he was gay. Nobody knew he was gay. He didn't even know himself. After all, he did get his girlfriend pregnant.'

'What!'

'Yeah. Nobody told you, you were too little.' Ray was back on familiar ground, insulting Francesca.

'What happened?'

'She had a miscarriage at three months.'

'What was her name, Teresa?'

'That's right. She married a guy from New York and moved over there.' Ray thought he had successfully changed the subject but Frannie was not going to let him off that easily.

'Oh, Frannie, what does it matter anyway?' Maria was determined to end this. 'What matters is that Paulie was a really nice guy - still is, isn't he, Ray?'

'Ray still sees him, you know, Benton.' Frannie couldn't miss this one.

'I saw him last year when he came to Chicago for his cousin's wedding. That was the first time I'd seen him in three years.'

'He lives in San Francisco now. With his boyfriend. And guess what his boyfriend does for a living?' Frannie was rolling on the floor laughing now. 'He's a cop!'

'Ray. Pull over.' said Fraser. Ray took no notice but Fraser was determined, even though they were on a quiet, dark street some distance from home. 'Pull over now.' Ray sighed, stopped the car and turned towards Fraser.

An event had occurred which was without precedent in Fraser's memory. Ray had not spoken a word in over two hours. Although not dead, unconscious, asleep or gagged he had not uttered. Fraser was now seriously worried. Ray had not even interfered in the furious argument which had developed between Maria and Frannie while Ray had been upstairs, washing off the dust of the basement in the shower. Maria had decided that Frannie's sartorial requirements could not come before the family relics - she wanted to keep the photographs and Frannie's frocks would have to go elsewhere.

'Ray, what's the matter? Is it this business about Paulie? There's no need to feel ashamed or embarassed because you didn't know the truth about his sexuality, Ray, that's a private matter.'

Ray looked at him but did not respond.

'Or is it that you did know? Well, it's still nothing to be ashamed of, having a friend who was gay. I think it's very open-minded of you.'

Ray was still looking and the penny finally dropped.

'Oh. Oh. You knew from, er, from experience... Oh, dear...' Ray turned away and looked out of the window as Fraser ploughed on.

'Look, Ray, a little teenage flirtation is nothing to be ashamed of. Why, the Inuit have a saying...'

'What I wanted to do was get a girlfriend, but I wasn't handsome or clever or good at anything really.' Ray said softly. 'All I had was that I was tall. I wasn't particularly good at basketball - you've seen me. But I thought that if I coulda got into the team, then maybe some girl would look at me. Paulie was a coupla years older than me, the captain of the basketball team.

'Guys who are good at sports, they're all the same - full of their own importance. But Paulie was different. He talked to everyone and listened to them too. He wasn't pushy and he always tried to be fair to everyone and do the right thing. I knew that if I asked him, he'd give me some coaching and then maybe I could get into the team. So I did ask, he agreed and after a few weeks, we became friends. And I got into the team, well, a few games, anyway.' Ray smiled at the memory of it.

'One night, I got home late after a practice and Pop really exploded. He'd had a few drinks and man, he really said some things...' Ray didn't have to finish the sentence. He knew Fraser understood. 'I ran out again but I had nowhere to go so I decided to hang around the parking lot where a few of the older guys hung out with their girlfriends. Paulie was there with Teresa. He saw me and offered me a lift home - he had his father's car. After we dropped her off, he stopped the car in a quiet place and asked me what had happened. I told him about Pop and wound up telling him all my troubles.

'Then he asked for a favour. He said that if I refused, we'd still be friends and it wouldn't make any difference. I'd have done anything for him and I said so, but when he asked if he could kiss me I almost jumped out of the car, there and then in the middle of nowhere.

'He asked me if I had a girlfriend, though he already knew that I didn't. He said that that was what all guys did while they were waiting to get a girlfriend. It was just a phase everybody went through. So I asked him about Teresa and he said that he really liked her but she was a nice Italian girl. I knew what that meant. The few girls I had been out with were nice Italian girls.

'So I let him kiss me. He leaned over and pushed me down onto the seat and I remember...I remember the smell of him, all hot and sweaty from the practice and clean and soapy from the shower. It took my breath away and he kissed me. Properly. No other kiss I'd ever had could begin to compare...'

Ray was lost in memory and had almost forgotten Fraser beside him. Suddenly he remembered and dared a quick glance. Benny was looking directly at him. He didn't look shocked or embarassed, he was giving Ray his full attention. Reassured, Ray continued.

'We went on like that for about five minutes and then I lost my nerve and asked him to take me home. I ran into the house as quickly as I'd run out of it. Fortunately Pop had passed out.

'I didn't see Paulie again until the game a few days later. He offered me a lift home. I hesitated but accepted it. This time, when he stopped in a dark street, I kissed him. And it was wonderful. And it didn't stop there...

'I saw him at games, during practices and he was still coaching me. Every time he gave me a lift home we had the opportunity and we took it. By the time the season ended we were good friends and no-one questioned the fact that we spent so much time together. He came to my house all the time. Ma and the girls adored him - even Pop liked him. They would never have let a girl in my room, but they didn't think twice about Paulie.

'He was still seeing Teresa and I was still asking girls out and getting nowhere. Then I heard that Teresa was pregnant. I assumed that it had been someone else but when I asked Paulie he admitted that the kid was his. He'd kept on asking Teresa and eventually she gave in. They started to arrange the wedding but cancelled it when Teresa lost the baby, and then they split up.

'That shook me. He had a girl who would have sex with him but he still wanted me - what did that mean? I thought about finishing it, asking him if we could still be friends but without the sex. But I didn't want to do that. I needed him. I let him do everything he wanted and I did anything he asked. And I don't regret a single minute of it. I loved him.' Ray sighed and sneaked another glimpse of Fraser. He was smiling very slightly, in a very characteristic way, and somehow Ray managed to return the smile.

'How did it end?' said Fraser.

'He graduated from high school and went away to college. I missed him badly for a while, but then I met Irene. I thought that was it - that Paulie's theory was right and it had just been an adolescent phase. A few years later I heard that Paulie was living with Michael.'

'The cop?'

'The cop.'

'And you've never, since...?'

'No, no. Well...I've been attracted, once or twice. Everyone has some bisexuality in the, they say. Don't they? But I've never...' The self-consciousness Ray had lost when he had been engrossed in memory had returned now.

'Why not?' Fraser's voice was very gentle, intimate.

'Why not? Oh, Benny...I'm a Catholic, an Italian, a cop. Gay people have no place in these worlds. If I was to have a relationship with a guy I'd be an outsider at home, at church, at the precinct. I never met anyone I wanted enough to face that.' Ray paused for a long time, then jumped off the precipice. 'Until now.'

He turned to face Benny, who moved slightly along the seat towards him. Ray reached out and touched Benny's face, then leaned over and kissed him. Properly. Fraser could feel the heat of his body through the thin shirt, smell the soap from his shower.

Ray slid a hand under Benny's tunic. Fraser responded by sliding his hand round Ray's waist, under his jacket, and pulling him closer.

Minutes later, they surfaced for air.

'Oh, man, I have wanted to do that for so long,' said Ray.

'You should have'

'I didn't know that you wanted...'

'For a long time.'

'Really?'

'Really.'

'Wow...'

'Ray, may I ask you a question?'

'Of course, Benny,'

'What sort of car did Paulie's father have?'

'Guess...'

Anne (atcostig@brad.ac.uk)