Author's webpage: http://synesthesia.cx/innusiq/

Author's notes: Comments are always welcomed.

I Love You
by: Jenny Hill

The room was dark as the lone figure opened and closed the bedroom door. It was just after one in the morning and he couldn't sleep. There was no way any sleep would come after the day he had spent chasing after a band of kidnappers all the while trying to help his best friend regain his memory to find said kidnappers. The day was a disaster but in the end, the good prevailed and Fraser did get his memory back. "Thank God," Ray thought.

When Ray's mother heard about the ordeal her boys had gone through, she insisted that her adopted Mountie stay the night. "Just to be safe," were her words. She would use any excuse to baby the Canadian and Fraser obliged in her request. If anything, Fraser was always polite and he could never say no to Mrs. Vecchio.

Ray crossed the dark guestroom towards the bed that contained his sleeping partner and best friend. The only light was from the full moon shining through the crack in the curtains and it was just enough light for Ray to make out his friend's facial features. The wolf in the corner didn't even acknowledge Ray's presence knowing by instinct there was no danger to ward of. Sighing, Ray sat down on the side of the bed making sure not to wake Fraser and began talking.

"I love you. They are three small words. None of them are over four letters long and all of them are only one syllable each. I love you, three words that are so easy to say. I say them every day of my life and I have to question whether I mean it each time I say them. Of course I mean it but do I "mean" it. If I didn't, I wouldn't say them but I've said those three little words so often that I've lost sight of their true meaning and now - now when I need to say them in their true form, I don't know if I can and if I do say them, I don't know if they will be believed.

"I love my family but they are my family. It is an unconditional love I feel for them and a love that can never be changed. It's a love that is inbred in my being. I could not live without loving them or having them love me.

"Ma gave me life and I owe her for that and more. Because of her, I am the man that you see before you today. Without her in my life I wouldn't be capable of any kind of love. She has accepted me for who I am and even though she may not agree with some of the decisions I've made in my life, I know she still loves me. She is my mother. She knows I love her because I tell her that daily, without question or pause and even though she knows I love her without saying the words, I say them because I know it warms her heart to hear them come from my mouth - to come from my heart. It warms my heart too, seeing the look in her eyes when I say I love you.

"I love my sisters, Maria and Francesca. They have supported me in good times and bad; in right decisions and wrong. They have been my rock when I needed stable ground and my reality check when I wasn't thinking clearly. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here contemplating my feelings and ability to express them. We have gotten each other through a tough childhood that included an abusive father and losing a brother. I love my sisters and even if I don't say the words verbally, they know I do just as much as I know they love me. It's a sibling thing. You don't admit your feelings less you be made to look like the weaker one. We know and that is all that is needed.

"I love my brother-in-law, Tony. He is a good man, no matter how lazy he may seem or how preoccupied he can get with his teeth. The man may be nuts but he is a good man. He loves Maria and he loves this family and I know if push came to shove, he would lay down his life for us - no questions asked. He has also filled the hole that was left in this family when our brother left. Tony is more a Vecchio than some of our own blood relatives and I am proud to call him my brother.

"I love all my nieces and nephews. They hold one of the special places in my heart and there isn't anything that could change that. They are the future of this family. I must set a good example for them to follow in order to ensure that the 'bad blood' of my father isn't passed on. I am willing to take up that responsibility on my own to guarantee that example is shown and followed. I love my family and it's a small sacrifice to be made.

"I love my car. My beautiful 1971 - well, now it's a 1972, green, Buick Riviera. I have loved all three of my Rivs and have had my heart broken at the destruction of two of them. It is because I loved them that it hurt so much to see them go. But I have learned, as each one passed, that love is not a true love. It is the over used word of love. It is the word that has lost it's meaning.

"I love my job. Oh, there was a time when I contemplated giving it all up. It was a time when I didn't care but then a funny thing happened. I got a partner or an unofficial partner and at that point I began to see the light at the end of a bleak tunnel. I saw things differently. I started caring again for the good of the people. I may not have cared as much as you did but I did care. God you were annoying at first. Running here, jumping there, protecting strangers but then it hit me - this is what life is all about. This is what we all should be doing, not just some Superman Mountie from the Yukon or the Northwest Territory. Everyone should be this helpful and courteous and loving, not just one Mountie but everyone.

"I love my partner. You're the only partner that cared about me first and then the job. Alright, so maybe that was because you were Canadian and not a member of the Chicago PD but it was a nice feeling nonetheless. You became my second - make that third - brother. You taught me things like a brother should and made me see things in a different light. I began to love my job again because with you, we made a difference. Yeah, I know I complained a little . . . okay I complained a lot but that's just me and you accepted me as I was. You are the first person, other than my own family, that I let get to know me - the real me.

"I love my best friend. I don't think I ever really had a best friend before you. When I was a teenager I had friends sure but a best friend? I never had that one person I would tell any and everything to. Maybe that was because I was hiding so much crap that was going on at home, I didn't want to have to deal with explaining that to anyone. Keep things hidden, that was the tactic I lived by as an adolescent. I couldn't hide things from you though. That's just something you don't do with best friends. There are no secrets between best friends.

"I have kept a secret Benny, one I am even afraid of.

"I am in love with my partner and best friend. Is that possible? I have asked myself that question every day since realizing this and the answer is always the same, yes. Yes it is possible for me to love my best friend. It was only natural for my feelings to grow into love. And it's the true meaning of love I am talking about. I am in love with you. I want to love you. I need to love you. My heart feels constricted with keeping this secret. It aches with a pain I never thought possible. I love you Benny. Why is that so hard to say?

"I fear you will reject me. I have been rejected before in life and I survived after each time but this love I feel for you is a love I never thought existed. I would give everything up for you, for your safety, for your happiness. I would risk it all just to ensure you were happy. I receive contentment in your pleasure. But if I exposed my feelings towards you and you rejected me I feel I would surely die. I know that sounds harsh but that is what would happen. A small piece of me would die and that emptiness would spread to infect the rest of my soul.

"So, after everything we've been through, after everything we have done, I think I have found the true definition of love Benny and that is you. I love you." Ray sighed in disgust with himself for not being able to say those words out loud to Fraser in a more conscious state.

From the darkness, his name was called. "Ray?"

Ray nearly jumped off the bed but he held his ground breathing quickly. "Ye-yeah Benny?"

Sensing his friend's uneasiness, Fraser quietly asked, "I thought you said we were just friends?"

Swallowing hard, Ray replied, "We are friends."

"Ah." Fraser couldn't hear the gesture but he knew Ray was rolling his eyes.

"Benny, just how long have you been listening?"

"For a while."

"Fraser, how long?"

Fraser contemplated on telling the truth or a little fib but opted for the truth as always. "Since you opened your bedroom door."

"You heard me from down the hall?"

"Yes."

Ray dropped his head in his hands out of embarrassment. This was not how it was supposed to go. Of course, it wasn't "supposed to go" anywhere.

"Ray?"

"Yeah, Benny?"

"Are you alright?"

"Sure Benny, I'm great," Ray said sarcastically. "I just feel like my skin has been peeled back and every nerve exposed is throbbing but other than that I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine," Fraser commented, in an effort to push Ray into admitting he wasn't fine as he claimed to be.

A quick, short exhale of air through his nose was Ray's only response. It always amused Ray at how literal Fraser could be. "No, Benny, I'm not fine."

Fraser sat up, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. This was a dream, a weird and wonderful dream. He needed to be pinched to make sure it wasn't and yet he didn't dare for fear if it was a dream, it would be all over. "Ray . . . "

"Listen Benny," Ray began as he stood up. "Let's just forget this ever happened. I didn't come in here. You didn't hear me. This conversation never happened. You and me are best friends and nothing more." Crossing back through the dark room, Ray opened the door. "Good night Benny."

"But Ray . . ."

Ray stopped, turned and reiterated sternly, "Good Night Benny." He closed the door behind him.

"Oh dear."

The room was dark as the lone figure opened and closed the bedroom door. It was nearing six in the morning, his usual wake up time but this morning he hadn't been sleeping. He couldn't sleep after the short and abrupt discussion with his best friend. So after a couple hours of thinking and tossing and turning, Fraser decided he needed to confront the issue at hand. Ray had admitted he loved him. Ray had admitted his feelings and didn't give Fraser the chance to explain his own feelings. Ray didn't give Fraser the chance to say he wasn't scared by this revelation and that he would never reject Ray. He could never reject Ray. It just wasn't in his being to do so.

Palpitating, that was the feeling he felt in his chest as he listened to Ray's confession. If he had been standing, Fraser was sure that he would have felt dizzy at that very moment. And yet, as much as he returned the affections Ray had towards him - he couldn't get himself to move or say how he felt. Granted Ray wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise but he could have been more forceful or demanding that he be heard but then again, that just wasn't the way Fraser operated.

Ray had felt uncomfortable and obviously the words Fraser heard that evening weren't meant to be heard - at least not by him. In his "eaves-dropping" Fraser had forced Ray to a point he wasn't ready to go. Could it be a point of no return? To Ray it probably was but Fraser knew better. He needed Ray in his life - as friend or lover - and if it should be as only friend, he would cling to that Ray and never let him go. Ray was his best friend, first and foremost and nothing would ever change that. But he loved Ray also, more so than just as a friend. He loved Ray as Ray loved him. He didn't just love Ray; he was in love with Ray.

Fraser crossed the dark bedroom towards the bed that contained his sleeping partner and best friend. When he took in the sleeping form he could see that Ray wasn't having any better a time sleeping. His covers were kicked here and there and he was sprawled out in a most uncomfortable position. If anything, fatigue was the only reason Ray had fallen asleep. Fraser could have only been so lucky.

Perching himself gently on the edge of Ray's bed, Fraser waited. He waited for the morning to dawn or the courage to go on. He waited for the perfect sign that would tell him when his next move should be made and when he sensed it, only then did he say, "Hello Ray."

Ray was startled by the shadowy presence at first but when he heard his voice, he relaxed immediately. "Hey Benny," Ray yawned out as he tried to pull himself to a more alert state, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "What are you doing up so early?"

"Well Ray, it really isn't 'that' early for me but I've been thinking Ray . . . about what you said earlier." In the dark, Fraser was rubbing his eyebrow nervously.

"Listen Benny, like I said, I didn't say anything. There is nothing for you to be thinking about. You don't have to worry about me. We are friends and I don't what anything to change that." The subject of their discussion had Ray wide-awake and praying he hadn't stuck his foot in his mouth once again. His midnight confession was a death sentence if it was going to change what he had with Fraser.

"I agree with you. We are friends and I too don't want anything to change that," Fraser began. "But sometimes . . . sometimes things have to change."

Ray's heart stopped beating, or at least that's what it felt like. He had gone too far. He crossed the boundary by one step. He ruined the most perfect relationship he had ever had in his entire life by uttering three small words. "But I don't want it to change." It was said near a whimper.

Turning his head to look at Ray in the pre-dawn lit room, Fraser asked, "Don't you?"

Ray instantly became aware of two things. One, Fraser's eyes and the way they looked at him. Those blue eyes normally had this ability to render Ray into a puddle of submission. He could never say "no" and he could never lie when those eyes looked at him. These eyes were even more powerful. These eyes were full of love and possibility. And two, the tone in his voice had become soft, almost caring.

Unable to answer the question, Ray rolled over onto his side, with his back towards Fraser. He prayed Fraser would just leave before he said anything more he would regret. He would like nothing more than for their relationship to change. He would like nothing more than to call Fraser not just he best friend but his lover as well. Challenging Fraser, Ray said, "Don't play with me Fraser. You've never wanted me like that."

Hurt but understanding the statement, Fraser leaned over towards Ray and whispered in his ear, "I have always wanted you."

Ray clenched his eyes shut trying to keep his crying at a minimum because all he felt like doing at that point was sobbing. It was the release of all the tension this one hidden secret caused. It was a secret that span back to the day he met his best friend and although he didn't truly realize his own feelings back then, in hindsight, he knew it all began on that first day.

The bed shifted and he felt the weight of his best friend recline beside him. Fraser's arms came around him in an embrace and pulled him closer. "I love you," was whispered into Ray's ear with an accompanying kiss as if sealing the words in. Ray couldn't stop the tremors in his body as reality was finally dawning on him. Fraser loved him and the words I love you meant more to Ray than he ever thought possible.

The End