Rated NC-17 (This is the new rating, ain't it?) for m/m stuff.

Disclaimer : All characters portrayed below belongs to Alliance except for sleepless nights when I need to borrow them for my own twisted amusement and satisfaction.

Insomnia

Fraser could hear Ray's voice drifting out to the corridor even before he stepped into the room and the sound of it was, as usual, like a magnet to him, compelling and irresistible, drawing him inevitably to where his friend was. The noise that greeted Fraser as he walked in was appalling. People shouting, yelling, phones ringing off the hooks with no one there to pick them up, the occasional blasphemous word or two puncturing the heated air. Worlds away from the atmosphere of cool competency of the Consulate but surprisingly, Fraser found that he liked the place. He liked being there which was probably why he always *was* there. Every chance he had, he would find himself sitting on his chair beside Ray's desk. The precinct where Ray worked had a teeming vibrancy to it that the Consulate lacked. Very much like Ray himself. Ray was...Ray was....

He stopped for a brief moment as he considered what Ray was. And couldn't. Ray was just so...*Ray*! The detective defied conventional categorisation. And to be honest, so did what Fraser felt for him.

I will not think about this now, Fraser told himself sternly in one corner of his rebellious mind. I will think about it later.

Much, *much* later. But he knew that he had to resolve his feelings for Ray soon or risk insanity. But at the moment, insanity didn't seem so bad really. Madness was just another form of oblivion, wasn't it?

"What do you mean, you lost him? Damnit! Someone tell me how the HELL did you lose him!" Ray was shouting heatedly at someone. The detective that defied unconventional categorisation definitely didn't sound happy at the moment.

"You incompetent idiot!"

Definitely.

Fraser at last entered and crossed the now familiar squad room towards Ray's desk. As he approached, his friend was swearing profusely in an impressive mixture of English and Italian. The hapless object of his verbal onslaught stood before him, shifting his feet from side to side. Fraser thought he recognised him, Detective Mason, was it? And felt a twinge of pity sparked inside him when he noticed the man's harassed look as he withstood Ray's constant bombardment of imprecations. He sat down quietly in his accustomed place to enjoy the sight of Ray, flushed and excited from his anger. He liked to watch Ray when he was being furious. The man practically exuded unrestrained passion from every fibre of his being.

"You were supposed to be watching him, you *indecipherable Italian word*, that's it, that's all. Not too difficult, is it? Watching a guy and yet, and *yet*, somehow, the bastard managed to give you the slip. And you still call yourself a cop?" Ray yelled, heedless of Mason's pathetic attempts at apologizing. The poor man's feet-shuffling got more and more agitated by the second, until he looked as if he was about to launch into an impromptu tango. And Ray continued to rant like doomsday was nigh approaching tomorrow. "Christ! Mason, what were you thinking of?! We've been trailing this guy for weeks, hoping for a lead, any lead, and then you come in here today and told me that you lost him?!"

Finally, Fraser judged it wise to intervene when he saw that Detective Mason, a grown man with a wife, three children and two mortgages, looked as if he was going to break down and cry right there and then, on the spot, within the precinct.

He coughed and cleared his throat several times to attract Ray's attention. He succeeded only after Ray delivered a particularly vile epithet that caused Mason's jowly face to droop like a wilted flower.

"Oh, it's you, Benny." Ray blinked a little when he realised that Fraser was there. The glaring red of his friend's uniform always caught him a little off-guard if he stared at it unprepared. He turned back to Mason and bit out, "Okay, go check out the place where you last saw the suspect. Maybe someone there saw him or something. Maybe he's still hanging around there." Mason nodded vigorously in agreement. "Oh, and this time, *don't* lose him, you hear?"

Mason was only too glad to escape. And although he didn't quite take off at a run, he was close enough to it that the distinction made no difference.

Ray closed his eyes and took a deep breath to regain his balance. When he did, he turned to a patiently waiting Fraser and smiled a tired smile at his friend, apparently glad to see him. "Sorry bout that, Benny. It's been that kind of day."

"No need to apologise, Ray. I understand perfectly." Fraser told him quickly. He waited patiently while Ray shrugged on his jacket and then both men walked out of the precinct.

While they were walking, Fraser subtly noted that Ray did look fatigued. His eyes, usually so brilliant and sharp, seemed dull and weary. Concerned, he asked, "Ray, are you feeling alright? You seem rather...peevish lately." Of course, Ray had always been, well, *cantankerous*, but lately, it seemed that he had been even *more* so, as demonstrated by the incident with Detective Mason.

"Peevish? What do you mean, *peevish*? I'm not peevish! I'm *never* peevish." Ray said peevishly.

"Perhaps peevish is a trifle harsh." Fraser admitted. He thought for a moment. "Acrimonious then." he said cautiously.

"What?"

"Or scathing, if you prefer. Or rancorous, or fractious, or irascible." Fraser continued blithely. "And vexatious, and acerbic, and trenchant. Yes, definitely trenchant, and perhaps just a littl..."

"Yeah! Okay! I get the idea already! So I hadn't being a Pollyanna lately so sue me." Ray finally cut Fraser's droning litany off, an irked look etched on his face. "Did you understand half the words you just said or does it give you some sort of perverse pleasure to sprout words that mean absolutely Greek to me?"

"I'm sorry, Ray." He didn't mean to make Ray angry but it would seem he had done it again. He sighed inwardly. Love can be so laborious. Sweet but laborious.

Ray groaned silently when he saw that *look* on Fraser's face. "No, you're right, Benny. I have been irritable lately. It's just that I haven't been sleeping well lately." Ray admitted at last while rubbing one hand over weary eyes and he abruptly gave a short laugh." Who am I kidding? I haven't been able to sleep a single wink for the last three days and it's killing me, I tellya, Benny. Do you know how awful it is to lie in bed, knowing you have to sleep but you can't, no matter how you *try* and you hear the seconds ticking away as you lie in bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling? My body feels so tense that I think I'm gonna snap. There, you wanted to know what's wrong, that's what wrong with me." At this point, Ray paused a moment for maximum dramatic effect before continuing, "I. Can't. Sleep."

"Have you ever got to the point where you keep telling yourself that you have to sleep, you *need* your sleep and the more you think that, the more your eyes keep getting bigger, wider, more awake until they're ready to BURST from your head and splatter the wall opposite?!" Ray asked agitatedly.

"No, I can't say I ever have, Ray" Fraser said, blinking a little at the force of his words. "I've never had any insomniac problems before. Why didn't you tell me you were suffering from it earlier?" "What's the point? You're a Mountie, not a doctor. Don't tell me, you wanna come over my house, read a bedtime story and tuck me in?" Ray chortled at his own wit and thus missed the intense reaction that came over Fraser's face when he heard his friend's teasing suggestion.

He first turned an ashen pale, then a fiery red to match his uniform when he thought of what he could do to Ray Vecchio besides just tucking him into bed. Fraser suddenly found himself gasping for breath when his lurid imagination showed him exactly what he could do to Ray.

Oh my, Fraser gulped silently to himself. He never really realised that he had such a fervent imagination before.

Ray, totally oblivious to what was going through Fraser's head, said casually, "I'll be okay, don't worry about me. Maybe I'll try the sleeping pills like Ma said. You need a ride?" Not trusting himself to speak, Fraser could only nod, the relentless images of a writhing, aroused Ray, screaming his need for Fraser, burned into his brain with the vividness of a lightning bolt.

"Benny? Benny? Oh, Benny boy. Earth to Canadian." Ray passed his hand teasingly over Fraser's eyes and the Mountie mustered every ounce of will power he possessed to stop himself from grabbing Ray, slamming him against the nearest wall and fucking him senseless.

Take a deep breath, you can do it, Fraser thought dizzily. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale...

Ray was really worried now, Fraser looked like he was going to keel over and have a fit right there and then. And his breathing seemed really erratic. He put one hand behind the other man's back, supporting him and Fraser sucked in another deep breath at the contact even separated as it was by layers of cloth.

"Benny? You okay? Come on, I'll drive you home."

Fraser controlled himself at last and rather admirably he thought, under the circumstances. But even so, he was unusually reticent during the car ride. But Ray was too preoccupied to notice as he devoted all his attention to the road. He needed all his concentration mainly because he found himself getting sleepy while driving, all the frustration and weariness from the previous sleepless nights finally taking him over.

When they reached Fraser's apartment, Ray turned to ask, "Hey, Benny, do you mind if I crashed at your place tonight? I don't think I'm in any condition

to drive at the moment." As if to emphasise his point, he yawned widely. Good, maybe he would be able to get some sleep, finally!

Ray, why are you doing this me? Fraser wondered as the another unbidden image popped into his mind at Ray's words. The image of Ray in his bed. Oh dear...

He wanted to refuse, afraid that such close proximity to the object of his intense passion would make him lose control of his desires. He had to refuse. To be so near Ray and not have him was torment enough. He had to say no.

"Of course you can, Ray." came out before he could stop himself.

"Great. Thanks, Benny." Ray grinned. What had he done? Fraser thought, appalled.

Maybe he should take a long shower, a long *cold* shower. Maybe that would help.

Maybe.

********************************************************************************

"Is something wrong, Ray?"

Soft rustling noises of someone shifting and turning on a yielding surface, then a sigh, and then Ray's voice pierced through the silence of the night from somewhere from the region of the floor. "I still can't sleep." he admitted. "Did I wake you? Sorry." Ray had taken the bedroll even though Fraser had offered the bed to him.

"No, you didn't wake me." Fraser neglected to explain the reason why he couldn't sleep was because the simple sound of Ray breathing was distracting him. He wasn't sure how late it was but it had seemed to him that he had lain in his bed for ages, simply listening to Ray breathe in the dark.

He was getting obsessed and any sign of obsession was definitely *not* healthy. Especially when the unhealthy obsession is just lying a few feet away from you.

He wanted to burrow his head into his pillow and never come up for air except he was quite sure that suffocation wasn't a viable solution to his problem.

"I think it's the floor." Ray was saying. "It's too...hard."

"Floors are supposed to be hard, Ray."

"I know that!"

"Maybe you should take the bed. I can sleep on the floor." Fraser offered.

"Nah, it's your cockroach infested apartment, you should take the bed. I'll be okay." Ray fell quiet after that but the occasional rustling sounds, like someone trying desperately to find a comfortable position and failing miserably, told Fraser that his friend was still awake.

"Ray, this is silly. Don't be so stubborn and take the bed, please. I'll be fine on the floor. I'm used to it." Fraser stood up from the bed, his eyes trying to adjust to the darkness and he groped blindly around for a few seconds before his foot connected with something soft and which caused him to lose his balance and he fell.

Right across Ray.

A howl pierced through the air just as Fraser fell and mingled with the sound was Ray's startled yells and curses.

"Fraser? What the hell?! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Because if you are, it's *working*!!"

"I think I stepped on Diefenbaker's tail." A mournful yowl, full of reproach confirmed it. "Sorry, Diefenbaker."

"Great, just great. Now I feel more awake than ever. Not to mention I think you broke one of my ribs by diving on me like that!" Ray sighed. "Might as well go home. Anyway, thanks for letting me crash at your place for a while, Benny...Benny? Why aren't you moving? Hey, you're not hurt, are you?" he asked, suddenly worried.

I'm not moving because one of my deepest, darkest fantasies had just come true, Fraser was thinking dazedly. Ray felt so good, pinned beneath him like that. Legs and arms tangled together and he could actually feel all the planes and angles that made up Ray Vecchio with his body. It was a heady sensation much like that time when he drank too much wine and had felt light-headed yet strangely exhilarated.

And like that time, he let the sensations drown him with their intensities and without really thinking it through, he lowered his head and his lips met Ray's in a clumsy kiss.

He could feel the other man tense immediately and Fraser thought in dismay, oh no, this wasn't what I wanted, I didn't mean to kiss him.

But he did and the damage was done. He should have ended the kiss immediately when he felt Ray's hands coming up to push him away. Ended it and tried to salvage what was left of their friendship, but he didn't and instead he recklessly caught hold of Ray's wrists and pinned them down with his hands while his body did the same, holding down the other man firmly and tightly, preventing him from escaping. He continued to kiss Ray with a desperation born from the knowledge that this kiss could be the last as well as the first if Ray didn't want him. And the memory of this one kiss would have to last him a long time indeed if that really happened.

The kiss grew fiercer as Fraser's fear of Ray's imminent rejection overwhelmed him and he plundered and sucked at the inside of the other man's mouth with abandon. And he could feel himself hardening in repose to the

kiss. Ray's mouth was like an addictive drug, the more he tasted, the more he wanted.

When they finally drew apart to draw in a simultaneous breath of air, Fraser found that he still couldn't bring himself to let go of the other man yet. He had released his clamp on Ray's wrists after they broke apart but one hand was now snaking underneath Ray's back while the other clutched at his shoulders, drawing the detective into a tight, unbreakable embrace. He buried his face into the crook of Ray's neck and resisted the urge to pull Ray even closer towards him, to meld their bodies together. He could feel Ray's body shaking a little in his arms and after a few seconds Ray finally spoke up and his voice was surprisingly even and calm.

"Benny, did you just kissed me or was that a vivid hallucination on my part?" he wanted to know.

Fraser couldn't bring himself to raise his head to look at Ray's face, knowing the loathing and disgust that must be reflected there so he kept his face buried at the side of Ray's neck.

"Yes." he replied, his voice coming out muffled but clear enough. He could smell Ray with every breath he took. The faint smell of cologne, sweat and all that other myriad of undefinable scents that made up Ray. Who needs alcohol to become inebriated when one could just get drunk on the scent of Ray Vecchio alone? Fraser wondered in one small corner of his mind.

"Yes, you kissed me or yes, I'm having a vivid hallucination?" Ray asked patiently.

"Yes, I kissed you."

"I thought so. Why did you kiss me, Benny?"

At this, Fraser finally lifted his head to stare down at the man he loved and although Ray's features were half shadowed by the darkness, there was no indication of distaste at what Fraser had just done. But he wasn't exactly brimming with joy either and his usually eloquent eyes were hooded, his expression unreadable.

"I kissed you because I love you." After saying it, Fraser lifted himself off Ray's body and felt a pang of anguish when Ray squirmed quickly away from underneath him to scramble up, a few feet away. "And I know that you don't love me, Ray." How could you? After the way I forced my feelings on you, Fraser was thinking bitterly.

"And how the hell would you know that? I didn't say I *didn't* love you, did I?" A glimmer of emotion finally pierced through Ray's deceptively mild tone and he sounded...pissed.

Fraser was caught off-guard by those words. "You do love me then?" he asked hopefully and incredulously.

Ray bit his lip and started to pace the floor. "I didn't say that either." he said angrily and Fraser felt his heart shrink and grew numb at those words. That was it then, Ray didn't love him and he'll have to go back to Canada because to see Ray every day and not have him would be too painful. And his constant presence would also probably embarrass Ray. It would be best for everyone if he just left.

And the thought of never seeing Ray again was wrenching his heart to pieces. But it had to be done. A Mountie should always do the right thing, the honourable thing, Fraser resolved.

Ray was gazing with some exasperation at his friend now, as if guessing what was going through his mind. "Damn it, Benny, you can't expect me to love you just because of one kiss! Love doesn't work like that. This isn't the movies." But the tip of his tongue flickered out to lightly caress his lips, as if remembering the feel and taste of Benny's mouth upon his. It hadn't been unpleasant exactly. Just...different and not a bad difference at that too.

"Is it because I'm a man. Is it because of that?"

"No! Well...yes...maybe a little. I never had a guy tell me that he loved me before, okay?" Ray stopped walking and faced Fraser squarely, a taut grin on his face as he replied. "But that's not it, Benny. I just dunno know if I love you...that way." He took a deep breath. "You're my best friend. You stood by me whenever I needed you and you haven't let me down yet. I'll be lying if I said I didn't care for you. I just don't know if I'm *in* love with you."

"Damn it, Fraser!" Ray repeated. "Why did you have to go and kiss me!" He started to pace again. Tight, small, agitated circles that led nowhere.

"I'm sorry, Ray." Fraser said softly. And he was sorry. Sorry that his love was causing Ray pain. He never meant it to be like this. He sat down on his bed, hands limp on his knees and turned to glance forlornly at the pacing Ray.

Ray halted his steps and a funny look came over his face. "What for? You didn't do anything wrong, did you? Loving someone wasn't a crime, the last time I checked." He walked over to Fraser and knelt before him, placing his palms over his friend's hands. The skin to skin contact caused Fraser to suck in a sudden, sharp breath and he looked away, afraid that he would reveal his feelings should Ray look into his eyes.

"Look at me, Benny." Ray commanded quietly but when Fraser still refused to

turn, he lifted his hands from where they were and placed his palms on each side of his friend's face and gently forced his head back so that green eyes were now gazing into blue. "Just listen, okay? I said I didn't know if I was in love with you but I didn't say I couldn't be. I need a little time to think things over. After all, this is a pretty big decision to make, you know. I think..." Here, Ray cleared his throat a bit self-consciously before continuing, "...I think it would be very easy for me to love you, Benny."

Fraser closed his eyes in relief and in hope. Ray hadn't rejected him outright like he thought he would. He leaned his head down forward until his forehead was resting on Ray's forehead. "I love you, Ray." he whispered.

"I know." Ray said simply. They stayed in that position for a few minutes, just savouring the feeling of being so near to each other, before the detective pulled away and yawned a bit sheepishly. "Sorry, Benny. And right after your declaration of undying love too." He blinked his eyes a few times and smiled sleepily.

Fraser smiled back cautiously. "That's all right. I probably tired you out."

"Yeah, it's not everyday that I get french-kissed by a Mountie in heat." Ray grinned mischievously when Fraser blushed, bright spots of red colouring his cheeks. Then he yawned again. "I really *need* to get some sleep before I burn out."

"Do you want to go home or..." Fraser asked hesitantly.

Ray considered a moment before shaking his head, "No. I'll stay." At those words, brilliant happiness flooded Fraser's countenance and it was Ray's turn to turn red as he saw the effect his simple decision had on his friend. "I'm not going to sleep on the floor again though. I think I just breathed in a truckload of lint while I was down there." he said, half flippantly, obviously embarrassed.

"You can have the bed, Ray. I insist." Fraser reined in his gladness enough to offer. Stifling his longing, his yearning, as best he could, knowing that he had to give Ray time and space. He just had to be patient and wait. And he would wait an eternity if he had too.

"Thanks." Ray pounced onto the bed and stretched out luxuriously. Fraser stood up and was about to move away when a hand reached to touch his arm. He turned and saw Ray looking hesitantly up at him.

"You don't have to sleep on the floor, you know, Benny. The bed's big enough..." Ray trailed off, and he looked so unsure of himself that Fraser felt his heart jump a beat at the sight. He wanted nothing more than to go over and take Ray into his arms and tell him that everything will be fine. But he was afraid of spooking him again so he stayed where he was and merely asked, "Are you sure, Ray?" in an as nonchalant tone as he could manage.

Ray nodded slowly once and then again, this time more decisively. "Yeah, I'm sure." He tugged at Fraser's arm and the Mountie needed no other urging. He climbed into the bed with Ray and while the bed wasn't as big as Ray had said, it was still large enough to accommodate them both. But it was a tight squeeze. Fraser shifted a little and abruptly found Ray's hip nudging his groin. His breath caught in his throat as he felt himself harden immediately.

Nononono, don't do this, he groaned to himself in a panic.

He hurriedly tried to turn away before Ray realised, but when he saw the other man's eyes widen briefly, he knew it was too late.

"Ray, I didn't mea--" Fraser began to garble out in a rush but was silenced when Ray laid the tip of one finger against his mouth and he almost moaned aloud at the feel of the rough skin brushing against his dry lips. He stared in disbelief and arousal as Ray lightly stroked his lips sensually with the same finger, tracing the outline of his mouth. "Ray..." he whispered softly, feeling every senses in his body reached an almost unbearable peak and hung there for one single breathless, golden, moment.

"You always talk too much, Benny." Ray grinned crookedly and removed his finger from Fraser's lips. He leaned in slowly to kiss the startled man. "Way too much."

It was an soft kiss at first, a tentative brushing of lips together, suggesting of affection at least if not love - and which grew fiercer as Fraser bought his hand up to cup the back of Ray's neck, moulding their mouths firmly together as he thrust his tongue inside Ray's willing mouth. He moaned softly as he sucked languidly on the other man's tongue. Without breaking the kiss, he moved his body until Ray was lying supine beneath him and he felt hands reached up to caress his back in soothing motions.

Mustering all his will power, Fraser broke the kiss, tearing his mouth away from Ray's in one violent motion and trying to gather his wits about him again. He planted his elbows on either side of Ray's head, lifted himself up slightly so he could gaze down at Ray's flushed features and he realised that it hadn't been exactly a one-way street. Ray was every bit aroused by

the kiss as he had been.

Although every instinct in his body was clamouring at him to take Ray *now*, Fraser had to ask, his voice raspy with wanting, "Ray, you don't know what you're doing."

"Yeah, you're right. I don't." His friend answered honestly. "You can teach me." This time, it was Ray's turn to clasp his hands behind Fraser's neck and draw him down for another kiss. When he felt Ray's lips on his, warm and pliant, and Ray's body arching towards him, Fraser knew it was too late. Sweet yearning metamorphosed into white-hot desire in an instant and even if Ray had decided to change his mind now and not go through with this, Fraser *knew* that he couldn't stop. Or rather, he wouldn't.

It was too late.

He didn't care if Ray hadn't said yet that he loved him back, and he didn't care if Ray was doing this out of a misguided sense of friendship or loyalty. He didn't care if this meant he was taking advantage of Ray if it was. All he could feel was his own rising hunger urging him on, the pulsation of his lust and love beating relentlessly in his ears.

He just didn't care. He wanted Ray and he wanted him now. As simple as that.

A low growl of pure desire issued from his throat as he pinned Ray beneath him with his weight, his hands caressing, stroking every inch of the detective's body frantically while his mouth trailed down to Ray's neck, sucking and licking recklessly. He reached the spot where neck met shoulder and bit down hard, ignoring or uncaring of the small gasp of pain that sounded above him.

"Ow! Benny, that hurts, wh..." Ray never got to finish his sentence as Fraser drew himself up and devoured his mouth once more. He groaned softly into Fraser's mouth as Fraser thrust his tongue in brutally through parted lips, tasting, taking everything Ray had to offer.

It wasn't long before both were stripped of hampering layers of cloth and material. Fraser ground his hips against Ray's and delighted in the small gasping sounds of arousal that emitted from his lover's throat and that filled the air around them with their urgency. He slid his roving hands down to Ray's ass and kneaded the firm flesh with his fingers rhythmically. Ray moaned, his hands threading themselves through the thick mat of Fraser's hair, hanging on for dear life.

"Benny...I can't hold on...much...longer." Ray gritted out finally through gritted teeth and then cried out one half-strangled whimper as Fraser lowered his head and wrapped his eager mouth around one nipple. He teased the small nub of flesh with his tongue until it was hard and swollen, licking, sucking until Ray was writhing under him, breathing with sobbing pants. "Benny!" he cried out again helplessly, as shock waves of furious pleasure coursed violently through him. "Don't..." he tried to say but the words changed into a scream instead, a short harsh sound, when Fraser's hand found his hard flesh and squeezed.

Fraser rose his head from Ray's chest, hair tousled and his eyes dark with lust. "Don't what? Don't stop or don't do it?" he asked breathlessly. But Ray was beyond words now, he twisted and bucked his body in ecstasy as Fraser pumped him deliberately, with maddeningly unhurried strokes. "Too late, Ray, too late." he whispered in a husky tone and kissed the side of Ray's neck once more, biting, nipping, like a wolf marking it's territory.

Love you, want you, need you.

Ray's hands were clenched into claws by now, raking the nails down Fraser's bare back and when he came, he gave a small stifled shout and dug his fingers into the flesh, leaving red welts in the pale skin.

They lay gasping together after Ray's fierce orgasm, skins slick with the moisture of sweat and semen and Fraser gathered his breath enough to murmur once more, "I love you." After saying so, he kissed Ray, closed-mouthed, the urgency of the moment gone for now. And he would say those three simple and yet so potent words everyday of the rest of his life to Ray if Ray would let him. He would wait for his friend to love him totally and utterly.

Forever wasn't really that long anyway, Fraser smiled to himself.

Then he gave a small groan of renewed arousal, his breath becoming erratic again, when he felt Ray's hand steal down to his cock and lightly, experimentally stroke it with one finger, gauging his reaction.

"I know." Ray whispered back.

The End

'Si vis pacem, para bellum'