WARNING: Long, NC-17-rated explicit M/M situation. ***If that's a problem for you, read the "Lite" version instead" ;-)*** Follows the DIEF-posted stories: "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "The Beat of a Different Drum", "On My Own", "Blue Moon," "Living in the Real World," "Clutching at a Dream," and "Libera Me."
O.K., this is it. The one you've all been waiting for <waves at Marina again<g>-- the DSX piece.
It reads basically like all the rest-- (Ray's) first person point of view and all.... <blushes> What can I say? Just because things are finally getting, um, 'interesting', are the guys gonna give me a _break_ here? *Nooooooo...!* <rolled eyes, martyred author sigh>
Tonight's musical selection is a duet from the musical "Miss Saigon." In this one the words don't so much follow along as set a mood... so... well... that's what they're there for, o.k.? ;-) In order not to break things up too much I put them at the end, rather than cut through the way I had originally planned.
A big TYK and a small salaam to Marina (T'Mar) for beta-ing for me, harassing me, and promising me I wouldn't hideously embarrass myself by posting this. But, if I do, that's still my fault, not hers.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine-- (Goddess, I wish! ;-) No offense or trespass intended and no profit made, I assure you. I'll put them back, when I'm done-- only slightly mussed and very happy, I promise.
<Criticism accepted. Responses of any kind appreciated. Kind words may even convince me to crawl out from under the really, really big rock I'm gonna hide under now and keep going with this. ;->
As we reach to top of the stairs and you push open the door, I can't get over the feeling of deja vu, of everything being back just as it always was...
Until you turn to me in the reflected light of the streetlamps outside and your eyes are so sad, so haunted. And I know what you're going to say and I can't bear to hear it... not now. I know it will have to come between us in the morning, but not now. Let us have this one perfect night, o.k.?
"Ray, I don't think...." Your whole heart is in your eyes as I silence you with one finger to your lips.
"I know, Benny, I know. But not now, o.k.?" I let my need, my pleading show openly in my face. "Give me tonight, just tonight, please? Let me love you this once?"
And, oh God, your eyes are shining as you nod silently. There are tears hiding in those beautiful blue eyes and it's all I can do to choke down my own because that's not what I want. There'll be a lifetime for tears later, my love. Not now. Not tonight.
So I do the only think I can think of, I lean forward and press my lips to yours.
And... oh, Benny... who would have thought you knew how to kiss like this? ...your mouth opening, pulling gently at my lower lip with your teeth until my mouth opens and those soft warm lips curl in a smile as your tongue pushes in and runs along mine. Mine responds of its own volition, sliding into that hot moist cavern as you trace the roof of my mouth and back out to the corner along the edges of my lips and I'm falling in deeper and deeper and I'm drowning I can't breathe but I don't have to somehow. I can suddenly breath like a fish here underwater, sliding down deeper into the dark coolness, breathing only you....
You pull away suddenly, desperately, and I 'm gasping for air after all, deprived of that magic connection, and my head is spinning and I realize I've grabbed on to you for support. And you to me. We're standing pressed together and if either of us moved we'd both fall flat. As I rest my chin on your strong, shaking shoulder, all I can hear is your desperate breathing echoing mine.
We stand there for I don't know how long just being together, breathing together. Until finally I pull back slowly, hands still on your shoulders to look in your eyes. The naked emotion showing there scares me. You're so incredibly vulnerable, like I've never seen you ever, and I'm paralyzed, held motionless by the love I see there....
Then you smile so beautifully, so fragilely that my heart just stops. You trail a finger down the side of my face and dart forward for another kiss. A brush of the lips this time, so quick and light I can't even respond.
But, like magic, like some ridiculous fairytale, my heart restarts. Only I think it's racing now and, oh, God, Benny-- I think you may just kill me yet. I feel my mouth moving to answer that smile and I realize I can move again, can speak. The spell is broken.
"I love you."
And the smile on your face cranks up another notch. The simple, pure joy that hearing those words brings to your face makes me want to laugh, to cry. To stand on the rooftop and howl at the world. I feel ten feet tall and lighter than air as I wrap my arms around you and pull you tight.
And as I do I can feel you hard against me and the realization sends a stabbing pleasure-terror to the very bottom of my soul.
I pull away slowly to look in your eyes. Suddenly it's all so real and so terribly overwhelming. "Benny...." I swallow hard and try to speak past the sudden dryness in my mouth. "I don't know... . I mean, I've never...." And I can see you know what I'm trying to say because you're swallowing hard too. "You...?" I manage to ask without asking.
You shake your head and bite at your lower lip, and it's such a sweet, little-boy gesture it makes me laugh softly, tenderly. "Then we'll just have to work it out as we go, o.k.?" You nod again quickly, grateful, I think, not to have to speak. Well you were never the one to do the talking were you? And I'm not wasting a second of this night on any Inuit stories....
I'm shaking as I reach for the buttons on your shirt. I'm shaking and if it meant the world I couldn't stop.
I'm not scared of this, not for myself. I should be, somehow. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff looking over into darkness that could be anything, there could be anything at all down there, I have no idea, and I'm stepping off anyway, without a thought, without a care in the world for myself. I should be terrified, but I'm not. It doesn't matter what's below. Whatever of you I can have I want, I want more than I want air or life itself. And I can't be afraid of you, of anything you'd ever do to me.
No the shaking is for you, for this moment. Because I'm lost and utterly helpless and this is so very, very important. It's probably the most important thing I'll ever do in my life and I want so very, very badly to do it right... and I don't even know what that means.
So I spread my hands out against your chest instead, feeling the warm strength of you through the fabric there, and lean forward for another kiss. And I try not to think, not to plan, just to follow whatever happens, because you're here and I'm here and whatever happens will be perfect.
And it's working. My hands have undone your shirt without me even noticing and the shaking is much less as I slide my hands around you, under the shirt, over the undershirt, one layer closer to you. You break the kiss, pulling away just enough to get your hands between us and you're giving the unbuttoning of my shirt far more attention than it could possibly deserve. So my lips slide down across your cheek, your jaw, unwilling to let go. Down along the side of your throat and down to the hollow where your shoulder begins.
And now you're the one that's shaking.
Suddenly I want to see you, feel you against me. I pull back, sliding the shirt off your shoulders and pulling the undershirt quickly over your head. And my breath catches in my throat. You're so beautiful. How could I have always known that and yet still never seen?
You take advantage of my daze to strip me down to the waist as well. And as you move forward I finally manage to look at your eyes and I see a hunger there that makes me shiver. And then you're kissing my chest, over and over, slowly, with an open wet mouth-- a tracing of your tongue against my skin here and there and I'm panting, I can't get a deep breath. Then that warm moist pressure surrounds a nipple.
I hear an agonized, chest-deep moan... and I realize it's coming from me.
Your tongue touches ever so lightly, quickly, teasing the tip mercilessly, and my hands come down to cradle your head, fingers running through that thick hair, stroking mindlessly as I gasp out your name. Oh, Benny, I never knew anything could feel like this... much less this.
When your mouth moves to the other side I shudder in relief, in stark need. I feel the exquisite tightening run up my thighs and down my stomach and suddenly I'm not sure how long my legs will hold me. So I pull your head away, gently, and pull you back up to my mouth, holding you tight enough to feel my hardness, my need.
As we part I can only whisper...
"I want to see you. All of you."
Your eyes widen but it's not fear I see there. I intercept your hand as it moves to your belt and wordlessly you let go, let my hand rest there for a moment before my fingers start to work at the buckle. The button slips free and my hand slides easily down the zipper, a thrill running along my spine as I feel the hardness beneath, as your stomach contracts in a gasp at the touch. The pants fall with a whispering sound and you bend down, pulling off shoes and socks and freeing your legs from them.
Then you stand up, wearing only your shorts now, and you go still, deathly still, as my hand reaches for the band.
I pull them out and down quickly, unable to wait, and you kick them away automatically and I just stand there staring, because I've never seen anything so incredible, so perfect, in all my life.
My eyes slide up and down over every inch of that gorgeous body and as they reach your face I see you're blushing. I can see your hands twitch as you fight the urge to cover yourself and you look so shy, so uncertain. So embarrassed? Oh Benny, how could you possibly be embarrassed when you look like this? I'm looking at a body from a sculptor's dream, something carved in marble and placed on a pedestal so the whole world can gaze at it. But you're real, living, breathing flesh and you're here with me, only me.
"Oh Benny, you're so beautiful."
That breathless whisper deepens the blush immediately and I have to fight the urge to laugh out loud as I see the shade of your cheeks darken. Damn, I wouldn't have bet you had that much blood free at the moment, Benny love.
And at that thought my eyes are drawn again to your...cock? How can such a lovely thing be called by such a crude name? Because it is lovely, Benny. Some tiny voice in the back of my brain can't believe I'm standing here staring at another guy's cock and thinking these things... and the rest of my mind can't see how anyone could deny it. And as I look at it standing there so proudly from the soft dark curls, moving gently with each breath you take... I want... I want to touch it... to... to....
"Your turn, Ray."
Startled by your voice I look up and, caught by those impossibly blue eyes again, it takes a second to process the words. Oh... yeah,.. right....
But as I move to quickly shrug out of the rest of my clothes, almost annoyed at this silly distraction from my regard of you, your hand stops me. I blink for a moment, seeing your raised eyebrow, then grin sheepishly and shrug. Turnabout is fair play, huh?
And as you uncover me slowly, with the same care and attention I showed, I could almost think you were getting your revenge.
Standing stripped on my desk in the middle of the damned precinct at lunchtime I wouldn't feel as incredibly naked, exposed, as I do watching your eyes running over me. I swear I can feel them as they move along my skin and I'm so nervous I want to just turn around and duck down and hide. O.K., o.k., revenge is sweet, even if it's unintentional on your part... although, if it were anyone else....
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, Ray."
And suddenly I want to shake you and laugh out loud because that's just ridiculous, but you said it with such feeling, such sincerity I think I may cry instead. So I pull you close and kiss you hard, feeling your skin against mine down our whole bodies, and I was wrong before... this is heaven, Benny.
I can't believe we're actually here, that you're actually pressed up against me, touching me. Letting me touch that perfect body... you're beautiful. You're so incredibly beautiful. And for this one moment in time, impossibly, you're mine.
And I feel so awed by your love, your trust, your desire... desire for me. I know you would never go in for casual sex, Benny, I don't think you could. But we both know this is no one-night stand. Even if it's over by morning this is forever....
My hands are running over the silky smooth skin of your back, pausing with an icy stab of guilt right in my stomach as they reach a scar just at the edge of your spine, but you immediately pull me closer, kiss me harder, as if to drive the thought, the guilt, the doubt out of my head with just your lips and it's working, as my hands slide lower, feeling the muscles shift ever so slightly under the skin of your lower back, until they come to rest on the soft swell of your ass. From there they start to slide naturally forward, around your sides to the front....
And for a moment I hesitate. I was raised to believe this was an unspeakable sin... but that seems so long ago and so far away. I should be horrified at my own actions, not only damning myself but corrupting an innocent, dragging you-- you, of all people-- down into hell with me. But that all seems so eerily unreal. Like a childish nightmare in the bright light of day.
In the bright light of you.
Try as I might I can't feel this is wrong. It's not a rebellion, not a denial or defiance. It's a simple truth-- this is right; this is beautiful. This is sacred. A truth as sound and as patently obvious as the turning of the earth or the beating of my heart.
So I leave one hand at the small of your back and let the other trail forward, finding its own way to the heat of your shaft. It's soft, the skin so very soft, and a part of me wonders why that surprises me so, but the rest is caught up in the sigh, almost a cry, in my ear, against my chest, as you push forward into my hand. My fingers curl gently around you and I start moving slowly, up and down, until your breathing turns into a groan....
"Oh, Ray!"
And pleasure shoots through my groin, nearly causing my legs to give way and robbing me of all conscious thought.
When my mind restarts a moment later you're looking at me, your eyes dark and shining with a passion I think few people on this earth have ever seen. Your arms are on my shoulders and my hand has slipped away and you put your lips to mine for a short, sweet kiss before taking me by the hand and leading me over to that slab you call a bed.
It's every bit as hard and uncomfortable as it ever looked and I couldn't care less at this moment as you draw me close so that we're touching along every inch, from our lips all the way down to our feet.
And we're back to kissing... or rather you are as you roll over on me, desperately possessing my mouth, literally taking my breath away. I can only lie back gasping for air as you start working your way slowly down my chest again. The press of your mouth to my nipples pulls me up, my back arching into that caress without any effort on my part. But each is treated to a single touch and no more.
My attention is torn between the whisper of your lips down my stomach and the excruciating ache building in my groin. I'm so damn hard it actually hurts and I know I can't stand much more of this, at the same time I can't bear to have it end.
My dazed brain is brought back into focus by a terrible feeling of loss, and I finally manage to realize that you've stopped, we are no longer connected through the soft skin of your lips. I manage to force the muscles in my neck to curl my head up so that I can see you, my mouth opening to try to ask what's wrong, what happened... but what I see steals away any possibility of speech.
You've moved down almost to the end of the bed, lying half-across my legs and looking at me... looking at my cock like you 're entranced, and then you look up at my eyes and I can see it there. A split second before you move I can see there what you're going to do and the thought alone is almost too much to comprehend....
But it can't begin to compare with the feeling of your lips as they kiss the tip, your tongue as it traces long slow streaks up the shaft, your mouth as it slides ever-so-slowly over the top and down, down....
I want to watch, to see this, because what part of my mind is still managing to think can't believe it's really happening. But my head is thrown back, muscles tight, pressing back into the pillow and I can only stare up at nothing as I say your name over and over, a whimper, a groan, a plea, a prayer....
...as every sensation, every thought, every bit of me is drawn into the pure tortured pleasure in my groin and explodes...
My eyes open and I'm looking up into those heart-break blue eyes-- a little shy, a little uncertain, but still wide with passion. Digging up as much strength as I have left, I smile and reach up to meet your lips. There's a sharp taste in your mouth and as I explore it I suddenly realize that it's me-- and that only makes me want to kiss you harder. I turn my head slightly, placing soft kisses across your cheek until I can whisper in your ear.
"That was incredible, Benny."
I can feel you shiver at the words as they brush across your skin and I can't resist. Tracing my tongue around the pale curve of your ear I add those three little words....
"Thank you kindly."
And you laugh.
I'm not sure I've ever heard you laugh that free, that real. You're laughing so hard you can't stop and I can't help but join you, wrestling you over on the bed beneath me and doing my best to kiss you senseless between snickers.
After a few moments I let go of your mouth reluctantly and slide myself down the bed, thrilling all over again to the feel of our skin gliding together. Before I even realize it, I'm in the same position you were, inches away from that beautiful cock.
The laughter dies in your throat, but you're breathing no easier. Looking up at you I swallow hard just from pure nerves. I mean, what the heck do I know about....
You open your mouth, trying to find the breath to tell me it's all right, I don't have to, I don't somehow owe you this. But I want this, so I take a deep breath to steady myself and answer your unspoken protest with my best leering grin. When the corners of your mouth start to turn up again, I look down to survey this new terrain.
I tell myself it can't be that complicated. I mean how many blow jobs have I had in my life, right? What would I like?.... But looking at you so close like this distracts me,. fills me with the urge to just explore you, to check out every minute detail.
You gasp loudly and I realize my eyes aren't the only things exploring. My fingers are running lightly along the hot skin, tracing the veins beneath, playing with the ridge of foreskin near the top, running through the wiry curls of hair to hold the silky weight of your balls in my hand.
You are moaning constantly now, murmuring things I can't make out, interspersed with 'love' and my name. My fingers run further down, along the skin below the balls and suddenly your hips jerk upward and my finger brushes the opening below....
But you're close now, very, very close, from the way your hands tremble as they twist in the sheets at your side and the way your eyes stare helplessly upward at nothing, your breath bare pants in your throat.
I want to see you come.
So I move up again, ever-so-gently pressing my lips to the head of your cock as I watch your beautiful, writhing face....
And your hips jerk again, hard, and you're sliding into my mouth and crying out so loudly the neighbors are gonna hear and my mouth fills with your come and I desperately try to swallow as quickly as I can.
The silence and stillness afterward seems almost like a tangible thing. Letting you slip from my mouth I slide upward to place a kiss on those beautiful lips.
Suddenly exhausted-- from the day, the night before, the tension, the release-- I collapse against you, my arms around you tight and my head falling to your shoulder where it fits as though the spot were specially made for it.
Still breathing hard, you slowly manage to work your arms around me to return the embrace and I feel like my heart will just burst. Lying here in your arms, feeling you, breathing you, pressed together like we have never, could never be separated. Oh God, oh Benny.... All there is in this world is you and me and if I died tonight in your arms I swear I could want nothing more out of this life....
<finis>
The Last Night of the World
From the musical "Miss Saigon"
In a place that won't let us feel,
In a life where nothing seems real,
I have found you,
I have found you.
In a world that's moving too fast,
In a world where nothing can last,
I will hold you,
I will hold you.
Our lives will change when tomorrow comes.
Tonight our hearts drown the distant drums.
And we'll have music all right,
Tearing the night....
A song, played on a solo saxophone--
A crazy sound,
A lonely sound,
A cry that tells us love goes on and on.
Played on a solo saxophone--
It's telling me to hold you tight
And dance like it's the last night of the world.
Dreams were all I ever knew.
Dreams you won't need when I'm through.
Anywhere we may be
I will sing with you....
A song, played on a solo saxophone--
So stay with me, and hold me tight,
And dance like it's the last night of the world.
<finis>
Dianne
Who was just going to write _one_ little Song Challenge piece...
Dianne la Mercenaire... -*- <cat.goddess@pobox.com>
Vanity Web Page-- http://moonlight.dreamhost.com/lamerc/
"[My mind]'s not in the gutter, It's in the sewer. It's warmer, and
I have more friends there." ; - ] --Kender