Author's webpage: http://spookeyr.members.easyspace.com

Author's disclaimer: Copyright HRC - characters courtesy of Alliance.

Letting Go.

Ben's world had fallen apart around him. His hospital room felt cold even though it was warm outside. Dief slept quietly on the chair beside his bed. He could see the beams of the sun being refracted through the glass in the windows around him - the colours made him think of someone he did not want to. Victoria - she had torn his life apart.

He lay in this bed because Ray had done something that only a true friend would do - he had saved Ben's life. How could he have know that Victoria didn't have a gun - she wanted Ben to go with her. "Come with me" she cried, as she stood on the end of the train carriage. "You'll regret it if you don't". Victoria was right. Ben would regret it. Ray had tried to protect Ben, he didn't understand the deep unrelenting love that he felt for this woman. Once he had wronged her, now was his last chance to make up for that mistake. As Ben felt Victoria's hand grip his, a sharp pain stabbed his back - Ray's bullet. Victoria could not hold on, he fell onto the platform, motionless.

He didn't know how long he had been unconscious for. His first thought when waking was Victoria. Her face was so clear in his mind. He could feel her beauty - he should have gone with her.

Ray - why did Ray do it? Of course Ben knew the answer, being a Mountie he fully understood the true values of friendship and loyalty. Ray had a job to do - to bring Victoria in. He shouldn't have even contemplated going with her - it was against all his values and everything he had even been taught.

These things meant nothing to him now. He felt so empty, he knew that he would never see Victoria again. Ray had told him that officially the case was still being investigated but unofficially - case closed.

"Come on son" a voice appeared from an opening cupboard door. "You can't lay there all week - you've got criminals to catch". Ben's father had died four years ago. He still appeared to Ben on occasion to offer helpful advice whenever he didn't know where to turn to.

"Dad" Ben replied in a quiet, faraway voice. "Please go away, I don't need your advice, take it where somebody can make use of it - perhaps somebody who is already dead might appreciate it more"".

Fraser Snr knew that his son's heart was breaking. He felt so helpless, but it was unnerving to him to express his feelings. He had always believed that a man should never show emotion - if he did, it would be his downfall. This was what had brought his son to Chicago in the first place. He had been trying to find his fathers killer - Gerrard. He had been led by an emotion so strong that he didn't rest until he was behind bars.

By now, Ben had drifted into a light sleep. In his dreams he could feel Victoria's breath on his face, her warm touch.

He awoke with start. "Oh Dief, get off me - get off".

"Hey Benny" a voice came from across the room.

Ray was sitting at the end of Ben's bed. This was only the second time they had seen each other since that fateful night.

"Hello Ray" said Ben. He turned and looked out of the window. The sun was still shining but the clouds were beginning to thicken. The occasional shadow now passing across his room. He knew that he should feel no anger towards Ray, but couldn't help but feel that Ray simply didn't understand.

"You know Ray, I should be with her".

"I know" Ray replied. "I'm sorry Benny, she's gone, no trace. Unofficially the word is that she's probably across the border - out of American jurisdiction".

Of course Ben had already figured this out for himself, but thanked Ray accordingly for his words. He wondered how Ray would feel it was him lying in the hospital bed. He knew Ray had known what it was to love, he had married once, but never seemed to be content to settle down with anybody after the divorce.

By now Ben had relented himself the fact that he would spend his life alone. Nobody could ever mean as much to him as Victoria.

"I hear Inspector Thatcher would like to visit you" Ray's voice penetrated the deafening silence that had engulfed the room. Dief's ears twitched at the mention of Meg's name.

Inspector Meg Thatcher was Ben's commanding officer. In the past there had been a chemistry between the two of them. Something neither of them had been willing to admit to. As far as Meg was concerned, although she was his commanding officer and it would be totally unacceptable for her to get involved with a lower ranked 'constable', she still believed that it should be the man who makes the first move.

Benton, however, was a bit slower on the uptake. He too was aware of the chemistry that sometimes flowed between them, but his dark, mysterious past that was intertwined with Victoria had made him far too cautious where women were concerned. He knew that they were attracted to him - he was tall, dark and extremely handsome - a fact he had been made very well aware of since coming to Chicago. If anything were to happen between him and Meg he was frightened of how he may react. His one true love had betrayed him so badly - the thought of being seriously involved scared him. This was what made the relationship between Meg and Ben so frantic.

"Benny, d'ya hear me, the Dragon Lady would like to see you. 'Course I don't know why, I mean the hospital has kept the Consulate informed of how you're doing - is there something going on here that I should know about?" Ray's voice was very knowing. Of course he was aware that there was an attraction between Ben and Meg, the difficulty was getting either of them to do something about it.

"Yes Ray, I heard you perfectly well. I'm sure that Inspector Thatcher has a perfectly good reason that would explain her needing to see me" came Ben's short reply.

"Benny - I didn't say she needed to see you, I said she would like to see you. You okay? You're sounding a bit strange?"

Ben pondered his reply to Ray's question. He was right. Meg would like to see him - she didn't need to, as he had put it. Was this an admission of his feelings for her. No - Victoria had blurred his mind. It was too soon to think about anything like that, besides, he didn't even know if Meg would return his feelings. 'Feelings' he thought. Yes he definitely had feelings for Meg.

"Ray, please contact the Consulate and make arrangements for the Inspector to visit me, if that's what she wants".

"There you go again Benny, what is it with you and this 'wants to seem me' and 'needs to see me'. She would 'like' to see you - I took that as a pure enquiry after you health. Need anything to eat? I'm gonna get some doughnuts and head off back to work - lunch break - you know how it is?"

"No thanks Ray - will you be back later?"

Ray though about his. He didn't think he would visit Ben again that day. He knew that he needed his space - time to think. "No Benny, I'll see you tomorrow, I'll arrange to get a message to Thatcher for you".

Ray left and closed the door behind him. An air of silence filled the empty room. Dief was asleep again. The sun had now disappeared behind thick grey clouds and spots of rain were now tapping on the window. Ben took in a deep breath - his back burned with pain. Every time he moved he had a reminder of Victoria. Slowly he breathed out and relaxed - he was tired but afraid to go to sleep for fear of his own dreams.

It was hours later when he woke up. He did not open his eyes immediately. There was a scent in air. It was blown across his face from the draft that now whistled under the closed door.

He was still dreaming - Victoria, he thought. He felt her hand caressing his face. It felt so warm and comforting. He reached up and took her hand in his. He held it on his chest, close to his heart.

"Oh Ben, I do love you" he heard her say.

It wasn't Victoria that spoke - it was Meg. He had not been dreaming. It was not Victoria's hand he was clasping but Meg's. She in turn gripped his hand tightly and drew it to her mouth where she kissed it gently.

As he slowly opened his eyes he could see her face. A tear ran down it, she wiped it away - still holding his hand in hers.

"Inspector! Why? When?"

"Don't speak Ben. We've spent too long apart from each other - even when we're in the same room. I love you, I know that now. When I thought that I might loose you, I felt as if I'd lost my soul. I knew that I had to tell you how I felt - I was sure you felt the same. You do don't you Ben?"

He paused, his mouth was dry. Was this really happening? Again he felt her hand caressing his face - yes this was real - very real.

He had been a fool. He knew that deep inside he loved Meg - Victoria had made him blind to his own feelings.

"I love you" came his softly spoken reply.

Meg stooped to kiss his face - she knew in her heart that from that moment nothing could come between them.

Ray sat at his desk. A fan blew cool air into his face - he had just finished his last doughnut. Ray didn't take his job too seriously - working with Fraser had made him realise this. On his desk the telephone beside him began to ring.

"Vecchio" he answered it in his usual polite manner.

A gentle, but knowing voice spoke to him - "Ray, you know I knew that you wouldn't let him come with me - he loves me you know. Nothing can keep us apart".

The receiver clicked dead. A single tone sounded from the telephone.

It was Victoria.