This is the 2nd installment of the 'Revelations' trilogy about the first time Fraser and Ray get together.( My own version of events) It follows 'Past Present'. This is based on a song by The Coors, of the same title. When I heard it, this just called out to be written, so, that is what I did! It stands on it's own even though it's part of the so-called series.
Disclaimer: Due South and its characters are property of Alliance. Lyrics by The Coors. Used without permission, but no copyright infringement intended. All errors are my own.
Trilogy Disclaimer: There is no story continuity. Only the theme continues.
Warning: m/m content. No sex. Sappy and angst-y. One or two strong words. Opinions expressed herein are my own.
Any quarrel with it or any criticism or feedback should be sent to tuktoyaktuk@hotmail.com
This trilogy is for Audrey, and this piece is especially for introducing me to The Coors. :-)
-God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel I would have stopped this thought of us, and turned upon my heel-
Fraser watched the sobbing young woman helplessly. He was always at a loss around women, and crying young women were the worst experience he had ever had. Back up North, they had been few and far between. After all in the wilds of the Northwest Territory, there were few young women, and those that were there were not prone to such bouts of heart-wrenching crying. She was not even screaming at him anymore. He did not know if that was a consolation.
"Handkerchief?" He handed her his large pristine white one, removing her own tear-soaked one from her hands. She did not seem to notice, dabbing at her swollen eyes with it as the sobbing continued.
He stood up and went to get her a glass of water. Then, he sat down again across the bare kitchen table.
"Please, Fraser. Don't we have a chance?" She turned her light hazel eyes to him, asking him, pleading with him, begging him.
Fraser looked back at her sadly. He had tried. He had tried so hard! How could he make her understand? He loved her, but not in the way she wanted him to. Had he not made it clear? He had always been nice to her, always treated her well. Was that why she had thought that they had stood a chance?
He had examined his moves and motives over and over. But he thought that they had always been clear. He had treated her like friend. A very close friend, but no more than that. He even thought of her as the sister he had never had. How had she read anything more into his purely innocent motives?
"I'm so sorry." Sorry? Sorry for what? Sorry for not being able to love her the way she wanted him to? Sorry for unconsciously leading her on when she had made her interest in him clear right from the outset? What was he trying to be sorry for?
He had known that she was interested in him, of course. How could he have ignored the flirtatious looks she had sent his way, the pleasure in her face whenever he had complimented her, the little things she had persisted in doing for him even though he had protested against them. After all, he was human, and he was a man. He understood these things. He never encouraged them, but he understood, more than anyone gave him credit for. He had even tried to deflect her attentions, but he had not bargained for her tenacity. She was such a wilful young woman! Maybe the old adage was true. One had to be cruel to be kind. He only wished that HE did not have to be the cruel one.
What had he done to deserve this attention? When had it started? He knew he was not bad-looking. In fact, he had been told any number of times, by any number of women that he was VERY good-looking. It had never troubled him in the past. But now, in Chicago, it was getting him some unwanted attention. Or was it his uniform?
He was usually uncomfortable with attention on him. But with her, it was different. It was not exactly unwanted. It was nice to feel that someone was attracted to you, compounded with the fact that he did like her. Maybe that was why he had not been as eager to shy away from her attentions. Maybe that was why he had attempted to be friends. He would not admit it to anyone else, but her attention boosted his ego. Everyone needed some ego-boosting at sometime or another. She was good for him.
But not in the way she wanted him to be.
***************************
-I know there is nothing worse than unrequited love-
"All right. You say you can't love me." She was calm now. The crying was over, and she was feeling a little embarrassed about it. She had excused herself to go to the bathroom to repair the damage to her make-up.
*Oh God! It's no wonder he's horrified at you! Look at you! Which man would
look at you, looking like that?* She quickly washed her face, removing all traces of the running mascara and smeared lipstick. Then, she splashed her face with cold water to reduce the puffiness. Only when she was looking passably presentable to her critical eye, did she re-appear.
He had looked so worried that the relief upon seeing her was obvious. She smiled. What had he thought? That she was doing herself damage? That she was trying to kill herself? No, she was stronger than that. She had survived one lousy marriage without that many mental scars. She would survive this.
"Why can't we be...something, Fraser? Is there someone else?" She attempted a smile. She was trying to understand. And trying to be polite of course. But if he so much as said that there *was* someone else, she would go tear out the bitch's eyes! Hey! She was entitled to react irrationally! After all, she was a woman!
Uh-oh! What was it she had said? Why had he gone all quiet? Oh God! Was there someone else after all? No! No! She did not want to know! Could she retract the question, please?
"I... there is no... I ... I don't know how to..." he began uncertainly. He would not look at her. Why? What was he afraid that she would see in those heart-breakingly beautiful aquamarine eyes? Love? Pain?
She leaned her arms on the table, narrowing the gap between them. Instinctively, he drew back. She pursed her lips thoughtfully, and sat back again. Okay! Never let it be known that Francesca Vecchio was pushy! All right. She was. But there was no need to belabour the point.
She sat there quietly, simply watching him. Was he going to say something? She had given him the opportunity to explain himself. He still would not tell her why he would not love her. Would not or could not? There was that crap about being friends, and his loving her like a sister. Yeah, right! Her thoughts and fantasies of him weren't exactly of the sisterly sort!
Was the man blind or just singularly obtuse?! No idiot could have mistaken all those signals she had sent. He was no idiot. The man probably grew up reading smoke signals! Or was that the Red Indians who sent smoke signals? Hm... he would know. But of course, that was not the point of discussion here.
Point was that she had made it clear, crystal clear in fact, that she was interested in him. For God's sake (and her own) she had even gone to his apartment that night, with that negligee that had cost her nearly a week's pay! And it had been freezing that night too! All for what? The guy hadn't even shown so much as a flicker of interest! Okay, be fair. He had shown a *flicker* of interest. Hey! She knew enough about men to notice little things like that! Why, oh why had she not gone full steam ahead with her seduction of him? He would have been putty in her hands! Even if it was just for one night, at least she would have that one night! But, as usual, she had let him talk her out of it. Damn! Who's the idiot now, Francesca?
So, she had laid off the heavy seduction, as per Ray's instructions. Ah! Ray. What did he know? He was just looking out for his friend and for her, as usual. Well, he was her brother, so he did know her well enough. But sometimes, it would be nice if he cut her some slack and treated her more like an adult and less like the gawky little sister. She knew what she was getting into. She was a big girl now. If she got hurt, that would be her own fault, wasn't it?
What had he said? 'Guys like him don't marry girls like you.' What was that supposed to mean? Guys like him? What? Straight-laced, upright, honourable, honest, polite, knee-weakeningly gorgeous....snap out of it girl! How many guys like that were there anyway? In Chicago? None, until this Canadian came along. God-damned lucky Canadian girls! And besides, who had been talking about marrying? She hadn't! And she was sure that *he* hadn't! Okay, her religion did not allow intimate physical relationships with men outside marriage, but in this day and age, it was an almost obsolete argument. Well, she had been married once. Marriage was not all it was cut out to be! And sex was just purely physical anyway. Not that big a deal either within or without the sanctity of marriage vows. And since she *had* tried to confess so many times before even getting enough courage to seduce him, she was sure that she would have been forgiven. If she had even gotten past first base, she was sure that it would have been cause for much celebration and relief for the priest at confession! Finally, something tangible to be penitent about!
That was then. Now, fool as she was, this strong, silent man had managed to get to her. She had found herself falling in love with him. The physical lust had tempered itself down to something more emotionally substantial, and just as before, he was just as unattainable. She had tried being less obvious about her attention. She had even wrestled it down to the extent
that she could talk and kid with him, just as she did with Ray. Only, she was not as cruel to him, of course. And she had noticed that he was not acting like a skittish deer around her anymore. He could now actually talk to her without stammering or turning the colour of his red serge, and his eyes had lost that deer-in-the-headlights look. She had thought that he had finally warmed to her. That was why she had finally chosen now to tell him how she felt.
And had had it thrown back into her face.
Maybe he had come a long way after all. At least he had been articulate enough to tell her that it could never be that way between them. He just did not love her in *that* way, and he did not think it fair for him to lie to her. She had much to offer, and she was beautiful and nice...yadda, yadda, yadda. No matter how nicely he sugar-coated it, it was a bitter pill to swallow.
What didn't he like about her? What was it about her that he could not love? Her forth-rightness? Her blatant honesty? He probably knew a better word for that. Her impatience? Her quick temper? Hey! He could stand her brother, and Francesca had always been a female version of Ray. Well, that was what her exasperated mother told them all the time. They were not like the relatively quieter Maria, now married with 4 kids. Tony might not be the choicest son-in-law, but at least he treated his wife relatively well. What had she, Francesca achieved?
No wonder she always felt closer to Ray. They were both so similar. Both having similar characteristics and both getting married but ending in divorce. At least Ray had not capitulated to his mother's unending match-making. He had his work to fall back on as an excuse. Francesca had not, and had to endure boring arranged dates with some sleazy guy or another. Now that she had found the one man she was even thinking of spending her life with, he had to go and tell her, politely of course, that he was not interested. Your life sucks, Francesca!
********
Fraser glanced up through his eyelashes at the silent woman sitting across the table. He could not bring himself to meet her eyes. How could he tell her the truth? How could he tell her that the reason that he could not love her back the way she wanted him to was because there was someone else? Oh yes. There was someone else.
Someone he had unconsciously fallen in love with. Someone whom he saw everyday to the extent that he had not realised the deep-seated feelings he had nurtured. Someone with whom he felt complete.
Someone unattainable.
How could he tell her that he had fallen in love with her brother?
***************************
-So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave to me But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be-
"That was delicious, Francesca." He smiled at her.
"You sure? Not too salty? Too much tomato? Too much herbs, maybe? Ma always said that I was a tad heavy with the oregano." Francesca wiped her hands on the apron nervously.
"No, Francesca. It was perfect! That was the best lasagne I have ever had."
"Ha! Wait till Ma hears that!"
"Er...Can I qualify that statement?" He wiped his mouth to hide a grin, though she could tell by his twinkling eyes that he was kidding her, in his understated way.
"No, you cannot. Ma deserves too hear the truth, no matter how much it might hurt her. Of course," she bent down to remove another tray of lasagne from the oven. "That could always mean that you'd be forced to eat lasagne everytime you come for dinner! Ma can be very vengeful." She grinned.
Diefenbaker crossed the kitchen to sniff at the aroma of fresh, bubbling lasagne and he practically drooled at her feet.
"Ew! That's gross, Dief!" She exclaimed in horror. "You just had to ask, you know! No need to drool all over my shoes!"
Dief turned to Fraser and gave a little bark.
"Was he asking permission?" She laughed in delighted surprise.
"No." Fraser frowned at his wolf. "He was calling me a bad name for putting him on a diet! But maybe you should give him a little. Otherwise, I'll never hear the last of it. It's fine for some," he addressed Dief, who was watching him intently. "Some are deaf!"
"Hello! What's up with everyone?" Ray strolled into the kitchen, and tossed his car keys on the kitchen counter where they skidded to stop just short of falling into the tray of freshly baked lasagne.
"Ray! Get that away from here!" Francesca yelled at him, but he simply grinned and picked up the bunch of keys.
"How's that for precision?"
"Don't even try, Ray. I can be very precise with a tray as well! And your head is a big enough target!" she glared at him
"So, Benny. What brings you here this fine Saturday afternoon?" Ray straddled a kitchen chair and helped himself to a plateful of lasagne.
"Francesca required my assistance for a taste test."
"And you agreed?" Ray's eyes widened in mock horror. "Her food has not yet
been certified by the FDA, Benny. You don't know what they will do to you!"
"The same thing it has been doing to you ever since Ma went on holiday, so quit complaining!" She shot back.
"Ah! That explains the food poisoning I had last week!" Ray winked at Fraser. He loved winding up his sister. She was just too easy to tease.
"Ma did not go to Florida until yesterday, Ray." Francesca refused to be provoked. "So, unless you are implying that *she* poisoned you..."
"Yeah, yeah!" He waved the statement away. He knew when he was beaten. "So, what do you want to do today, Benny? I thought we could go play a game of basketball."
"I would like that, Ray."
"Good." Ray mumbled, quickly engrossed in the sports pages of the newspaper.
Francesca was by the sink washing up the dirty utensils, and she glanced surreptitiously over at Fraser. It had been about a month since her outburst at his apartment. He had never given any reason, except to tell her, in reply to her questions that no, there was no other woman.
She had left that day, with a heavy heart, and not wanting to see him again. But it was impossible not to see him again. She *knew* they shared a bond, whether or not he admitted it or realised it, and she was not prepared to give up being friends with him. If he wanted their relationship to be a purely platonic one, then, so be it. He said he thought of her as a sister? Well then, she would be like a sister to him. If that was what he wanted. She could always hold out a hope that he might one day change his mind. Maybe one day, he might come to his senses and realise that he did love her after all. There was always that little flame of hope to comfort her.
He was sitting at the table, dressed in his oldest pair of jeans and a faded blue shirt, and yet, he looked as if he had just stepped out of the pages of a fashion magazine! The man was a study in perfection, and he did not know it! Maybe that was part of his allure.
He was reading the national news, leaning over the spread out sheet of newspaper. His dark head was tilted at an angle, catching the early afternoon's sun rays slanting in through the kitchen windows. His perfect profile presented itself to her, and she had to catch herself from dropping the plate she was holding.
"He is such a damned fine specimen of manhood!" She thought wistfully and went back to watching him.
At this angle, it looked as if his head and Ray's were touching, over their respective newspapers. They were both engrossed in what they were reading, and Ray appeared to find something amusing for he laughed quietly to himself. Fraser looked up at that soft laugh, and she could almost imagine the quiet questioning in those sapphire eyes. The curiousity that would never manifest itself in words unless it was overwhelming. Ray was seemingly oblivious to the look for he simply carried on reading, not even looking up. Fraser continued his observation of him, and Francesca, feeling irrationally voyeuristic, continued her observation of them.
The moment had passed for Fraser to ask his question had he ever wanted to, but he did not return to what he was reading. He still watched Ray with that gaze, and Francesca realised that it was different now. The look had undergone a subtle change. He was now watching Ray almost wistfully, as his eyes drank in the sight of his best friend.
Even at this distance, she felt the intensity of that gaze. The feeling that lay behind it, the passion, the wanting and the recognition of the hopelessness of it all. It was a look that was both hopeful but hopeless. It said that he had given up before he had even begun.
And just before Ray caught on, he looked back down at the newspaper, but she knew that he was not reading. His back was rigid and his bent head gave him away, even if his manner did not.
The first thought that hit her was, "They look so sweet together!"
The second, was more earth-shaking. "He's in love with Ray!"
And the plate slipped from her fingers to crash to the floor.
********
"Next basket wins, Benny." Ray grinned at Fraser as the ball was tossed to him.
"That's not fair, Ray." Fraser panted. "You have the next turn!"
"True, but I got you to come! I think I'm allowed to win?" He grinned, wiping the sweat from his eyes.
"We'll see, Ray." Fraser bent to guard him as he started dribbling the ball on the court.
"Ooh! Threats, Fraser? How unsporting of you!" Ray could not help taunting him.
"I wasn't giving any threats, Ray." Fraser watched him carefully. "And are you going to dribble that ball all night?"
"Why, Fraser! You are impatient!" Ray laughed, and continued dribbling, on purpose.
"I'm not!" Fraser went in to snatch the ball out of Ray's hands. His hands connected with the ball, and as he did, he felt Ray close by his back. Ray laid a hand on his bent back, as he tried to get the ball back with his other. Fraser's breath caught. He could feel his touch burning all the way
through his sweat-shirt to his skin. It was as if there had been no barrier to that electric touch. It was just an innocent contact! Oh God! What was happening to him?!
His momentary lapse of concentration allowed Ray to snatch the ball and dunk it in the basket.
"I win, Benny!" He grinned widely, and jogged back to where Fraser was standing, trying to wrestle his emotions under control.
"You did, Ray." He gave a strained smile.
"Hey! It was a good game! Don't look so upset!" Ray gave him a friendly punch. "Look, how about I let you win the next time?"
Fraser tried to relax his smile. "Yes, it was a good game and you won, fair and square."
"Yeah, I did!" Ray grinned and spun the ball on his finger. "Look, Frannie's here. We'd better get going or we'll never hear the last of it from her."
Francesca stood by the chainlink fence watching the two men cavorting around the court like a couple of overgrown kids. She had watched the last part of the game, and she had seen what had happened to Fraser. Her suspicion had been right after all. He *was* affected by her brother, in exactly the same way that she was affected by him. Oh boy! What a mess they were both in!
**************************
-Time will help you see the light...Time make it be all right-
"Hi, Fraser, what are you doing out here?" Francesca stepped out onto the porch. In the failing twilight, she could see him standing by the steps, looking thoughtful. She did not mean to interrupt his thoughts, but it was time they had a talk.
"Just thinking." He turned to smile at her. "Is Ray out of the showers yet?"
"Nah! He takes hours!" She waved her hand dismissively. "Sometimes, he leaves it only when there is no hot water left! But since we installed that new water heater, I don't know when he'll ever come out of the shower!"
"Would you like me to help you lay the table?"
"No, Fraser. The table's laid." She smiled. He was evidently edgy about something.
"Is there anything...."
"No, there is nothing else to do. Dinner is ready, the table is laid, and all we have to do is wait for Ray. You can wait, can't you?"
Fraser flashed her a glance. That had seemed like a double-edged question. Or was he just being overly sensitive. Surely she could not have...
"I noticed, Fraser." She told him softly. "Come, sit down." She patted the step next to her. "I think we should have a talk."
"I... I don't know what you mean." He protested mildly as he obeyed her.
She shook her head. Was he trying to put on that innocent act again? It was not going to work this time. He smelled clean, of soap and shampoo. His wet hair glistened, and a recalcitrant curl escaped from the carefully slicked back head of hair. She only wished that she was going to be talking to him about something different. She gave a wistful sigh.
"You know what I mean, Fraser."
"No, I don't. I don't know what you are talking about." He refused to admit anything. Maybe if he did not, she might get irritated with him and leave him alone. After all, his suspicions might not have been correct. Maybe she wanted to talk about herself and not about...
"I am talking about Ray, Fraser. Don't try to kid me, all right? You have already fooled me once. Don't do it again!"
"I didn't fool you, Francesca."
"Yes, you did. I asked you why you could not love me, and I asked if there was someone else, but you didn't tell me that there was!" She was a little distraught even though she had tried so hard not to be.
Fraser looked away. What was he supposed to say to that?
"I understand, Fraser. You could hardly have told me anything then. You could have told me that there was another woman and I would have gone and petrol-bombed her house or something! I don't think I would have, or could have understood." She told him honestly.
"And you do now?" He looked back at her.
She looked up at him, a sad expression in her eyes. Then, she shook her head. "I still don't, Fraser. I don't understand. Why Ray? How could you have fallen in love with my brother? Do you know how it feels to have been passed over for your brother?! It's humiliating! What's wrong with me?"
"There's nothing wrong with you, Francesca." Fraser was quick to reassure. "You are, I don't know, so much like him. I mean, if I had not...fallen in love..." he said the words finally. It sounded like a confession. An admission to himself that yes, that was exactly the way he felt about Ray. He loved him.
"If I had not fallen in love with him, we might have stood a chance. I feel a bond with you, as I do with him, but I just cannot bring myself to get into a romantic relationship with you, when I know that I'll be cheating you."
"And yourself." She added the unspoken. "Did you always feel this way about him, Fraser? I need to know the truth, please."
"I don't know, Francesca." He told her as honestly as he could. "I don't know how it turned out this way. I mean, I never thought about it, and I
thought I had a fairly normal relationship with women."
"Fraser, you have NEVER had a relationship with a woman!" Francesca interrupted him.
"No, Francesca. I have." He was solemn. "It didn't go well both times."
"There have been two women?"
"No. One woman. Two chances. They both ended badly."
There was a pause. It was evident that he did not want to talk about it. Francesca was curious, but she did not want to push the issue. Maybe one day, she might ask him about it again. She slipped her hand into his warm one and squeezed it reassuringly.
"I'm sorry." She said softly.
He smiled. "I don't think I'll ever forget her. But she is part of my past. I can't let my past interfere with my future."
She smiled. "Are you always so philosophical?"
"Only when I have to be." He smiled back.
"So, you love Ray?"
"Yes, I do. I hope you will be able to understand, Francesca. It has nothing to do with who you are. If only you weren't Ray's sister, it might not have turned out this way."
"But I am his sister." She told him matter-of-factly. "I can't say I understand now, nor can I say that I'm happy about it. I'll be honest with you. I don't know if I ever will understand. But one thing I will do. I will try to accept it for what it is."
"Thank you, Francesca." It was heartfelt.
"Does he know?"
"No."
"Are you going to tell him?"
"No."
"Are you *ever* going to tell him?"
"I don't know." He looked away from her again.
"Don't you think he deserves to know?" She pressed the issue. Suddenly, she was feeling protective of her big brother.
"I'm confused, Francesca. I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know how you knew!"
"I saw it in your eyes when you looked at him." She told him with another wistful sigh. "I noticed how you felt when you were playing basketball."
"I didn't realise that I have been so transparent! Did he..." Fraser looked a little horrified.
"No, he didn't. He can be almost painfully obtuse, sometimes. All men are!" She rolled her eyes. "I don't think he has ever noticed a thing. You have kept it very well hidden. I didn't see anything until this morning. But I guess that it's because I'm a woman, and we are supposed to be more in tune with feelings."
"What should I do, Francesca?" Fraser asked. It was not usual of him to ask for help, but this case was unusual in itself.
"What do you want to do, Fraser?"
"Do you know that you aren't supposed to answer a question with a question?" He gave a small smile.
"Do you know that that's what you just did?" She smiled back. Oh, she could be quick as well, if she had to be!
"Okay. What do you think I should do?"
"Tell him?" She suggested, but he shook his head.
"I... I don't think I could. I don't know how he will take it."
"And you won't know until you tell him." She said sagely. "I didn't know how you would react as well, when I told you how I felt. Your reaction was not what I expected, but at least, I knew for a fact that it is how you feel. I know now. Don't you think you should give Ray the benefit of the doubt?"
Fraser was silent. Francesca was right. But how to tell Ray? Would it jeopardise their friendship? If it would, he would rather suffer in silence than see something as beautiful as what they had disappear. He did not think that he could endure that, should it happen. He would have to leave, and he did not want that as well. What was he to do?!
"I won't say anything, Fraser. You can rely on that." She voiced his unspoken fears. "I might be a chatter-box, but I can keep secrets, when I have to. Your secret is safe with me whether you ever decide to tell him or not. I will respect it. Not that I understand it, mind you, but I'll respect it."
Her sentiment touched him. If not for Ray.....the statement hung in the air, implicit as it was.
"Thank you, Francesca." He said for the second time that night. He put his arm around her, pulling her close in a hug. She hugged him back, feeling the emotions bubble up in her. This was what she had been waiting for for so long! And she was finally getting what she had wished for. Only, it was not exactly how she had envisaged it to be. All because she was being unselfish. Whoever said that life made sense?
"Hey! Dinner ready yet?" A voice startled them both. Ray was standing behind them, a knowing smile on his face. He was evidently trying hard to keep it under control, but the ever-widening grin tugged at the edges of his mouth.
"Food! That's all you ever think about! You think my job is just to feed you?" Francesca rolled her eyes and stood up, as Fraser did. "I'll go warm up the bread." She disappeared into the house with a knowing look at Fraser.
"So, what's going on with you and Frannie?" Ray stayed Fraser who was about to follow her into the house.
"Nothing, Ray." Fraser was a little uncomfortable with the hand on his arm.
"I know what I saw, Benny. That was NOT nothing! Come on! You can tell me.
What's up?" Ray teased, but his eyes were curious.
"Sometimes, Ray, things just aren't the way you see them." Fraser told him cryptically and went into the house.
Ray was left on the porch pondering his parting remark. What the hell was the man talking about? God! How could one man be so irritating?!
"Hey, Benny! What was that all about? Benny?!" The screen door slammed behind him.
THE END
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Love To Love You -- The Coors
I met you on a sunny Autumn day You instantly attracted me when asking for the way God if I had known the pain I'd make you feel I would have stopped this thought of us and turned upon my heel
Though you should leave me Time make it be all right Though you must leave me Time will help you see the light You don't need me Time make it be all right Though you must leave me Believe me when I tell you
I would love to love you like you do me I'd love to love you like you do me There's a pillar in my way you see I'd love to love you like you do me
You recognised my barrier to love I know there's nothing worse than unrequited love So I prayed to God that I could give the love you gave me But something's lying in my way, preventing it to be
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Hsu-Lyn Yap (c) copyright 1997
tuktoyaktuk@hotmail.com