This story is a sequel to 'The Way We Weren't'. It didn't really need a sequel, but I wanted to see what happened.


Memories

by Carol Trendall


Toronto, November 2007

Until the women in red appeared Ray didn't even realise he was watching for someone. The flash of her red overcoat against the white snow made him instantly realise he had been watching for the return of Benton Fraser. It also made him realise his mind was filled with memories of the man - had been ever since their earlier encounter on the steps of the Mayfair Hotel. For the moment he was powerless to stop it. All he could do was watch from the window and wait.

If it hadn't been for the bubble of childlike laughter from the direction of the bathroom, Ray would possibly have stared out the third floor window all afternoon, waiting for the return of the Mountie. He clutched a hank of heavy brocade curtain in his left hand and willed his mind to remain in the present. The laughter from the bathroom grew louder.

"What's so funny?" he called, still not taking his eyes from the snow-covered street below.

"Un - fucking - believable!" Dan McKillop's voice echoed from the cavernous depths of the marble bathroom, sounding much larger than it was.

Ray smiled, shaking his head affectionately, thrilled that Dan was having the time of his life. Ever since their arrival in the ostentatious hotel room an hour earlier, Dan had rushed around shouting his delight at the fussy rococo style and giving a running commentary of the inclusions in the ample suite to which they had been treated.

Finally letting go of the curtain, Ray turned his back on the world outside and settled down onto the wide windowsill so that he could survey the suite with only a slight turn of his head. Dan continued to chatter away in the bathroom.

To his left was a doorway through which he could see the bedroom. An emperor-sized bed dominated the room, it's plush royal blue quilt cover matching the heavy drapes on the windows. Centred in the main room of the suite, where Ray sat, was a trio of burgundy and gold sofas arranged around a large marble fireplace. In the centre was a low rosewood coffee table bearing trays of fruit, cookies and handmade chocolates, all gifts from the Toronto Film Festival organisers. To Ray's right, behind a pair of wide, gilt doors, sat the bathroom, into which Dan had disappeared ten minutes earlier, singing the praises of all he encountered.

"What's so 'un-fucking-believeable'?" Ray asked, eventually.

"Why don't you come see for yourself?" Dan's seductive voice teased him from behind the gold doors.

A cheeky glint appeared in Ray's eyes and for a moment he contemplated joining his lover behind the wide gold doors, but before he could rise, his memories of the past halted him. He needed to be alone a little longer. Pushing away from the windowsill, he collected a copy of a Louis XVI chair and dragged it in front of the window where he had stood earlier. Settling onto the brocade seat he lifted his feet onto the windowsill and resumed staring out the window.

It seemed strange to Ray that after all this time, and after all Dan had come to mean to him, that the chance meeting with Benton Fraser had set off the chain reaction of thoughts that assailed him now. It made no sense. He had no doubt about his feelings for Dan McKillop. Since the night they met there had been no doubt. So why was he unable to stop thinking about Fraser?

For a moment he forced all thoughts of the Mountie aside and thought back to the night he and Dan had met. Francesca and her boyfriend of the week, Chris, had invited him to a party. Ray smiled at the memory, thinking how odd it was that he and Francesca had remained so close. After the real Ray Vecchio had emerged from deep cover, the family continued to treat him as one of their own and even now, after ten years, he was still expected at Thanksgiving.

Ray hadn't wanted to go to the party with Francesca and Chris. Chris was an actor and frequented Hollywood style parties for their networking value. That night Ray had been in no mood for it. But, like a real sister, Francesca had harangued him, insisting it would be good for him, until he finally agreed to accompany them.

He had met Dan in the first ten minutes, their eyes meeting across the room like cliched star-crossed lovers. Fifteen minutes later they were outside, alone, wrapped around each other in a passionate clinch while the party raged on inside. Ray had pressed Dan against the cold wall of their host's house and kissed him fiercely.

"Not like this," Dan had told him, his breath misting in the winter night. "Let's go to my place."

Even now, more than a year later, Ray still remembered the power of that moment.

As he had stared into the warm, dark eyes that told of Dan's Gaelic heritage he knew he had met his soul mate. He knew that in one simple sentence Dan had offered him something that no other person had ever offered.

Meekly, he had followed Dan home and let the smaller man make slow, careful love to him until he cried from the sheer joy of it. When they awoke the next morning, and began anew, Ray knew he would never willingly leave Dan's side.

So why was he perched on an ugly, uncomfortable chair watching for a man he had willingly walked away from ten years before, while the best thing that had ever happened to him was naked and singing in the bath beyond the gold doors? Listening to Dan's delighted off-key rendition of 'I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No' he had no answer. Instead, he found his mind drifting back to the night he and Fraser had become lovers.

It had started the night they slept, literally, on the side of a frozen mountain. Suspended in a hammock secured only by a few small rock bolts, he had fallen into a hypothermia-induced sleep. To stop the cold from claiming him, Fraser had pulled him close, tucking Ray's hands into his shirt against his warm, bare skin.

Ray's memory of that night was sketchy. He could only recall brief snatches; Fraser rocking him, sucking on his fingers, reciting poetry and telling him how odd it was to find love twice in the face of a frozen death. He didn't recall Fraser kissing him, but Ray knew he must have for he remembered responding. And, oh, how he had responded.

Later, when the Muldoon case was over, Ray had been too startled to refuse Fraser's invitation to join him on the search for the Hand of Franklin. Besides, he welcomed the distraction. He didn't want to think too closely about what had happened between Stella and Ray Vecchio.

The first few months had been wonderful as they stumbled their way into a mutually satisfying and surprisingly inventive physical relationship. The sex was great, the best, but Ray sensed that for both he and Fraser there was an element of being on the rebound. Although he had no basis for it, Ray was sure that Fraser had once had feelings for Ray Vecchio and the Italian man's hasty departure to Florida with Stella had been as painful for the Mountie as it was for him.

The second three months were good and they settled into a very comfortable life together. The sex was still great, although the frequency had diminished. Ray hadn't been bothered, if they had continued they way they started, they would have fucked themselves into an early grave.

The third three months began to be stressful for Ray, with little company other than Fraser. It didn't take long before he found himself driven to distraction by Fraser's preciseness and pedantry. Even though the sex was still good, it didn't take the edge off the growing resentment he felt.

Sometime during the fourth three months, in the middle of a visit to Tuktoyaktuk to replenish supplies, Ray announced he was leaving. The words poured out of his mouth before he had formed the thought. Fraser never asked why. He just stared at Ray, open-mouthed, told him he understood and let him go. Ray caught a plane home to Chicago the next morning and took up his old life, almost as though the intervening year had never taken place.

Ray had kept in touch with Fraser over the years, occasionally sending him short, tightly worded letters. In return, Fraser kept him informed of the minutiae of his life, sending monthly tomes. When Fraser met Eli Greycloud the frequency of his letters became erratic but later stabilised into a less regular, but no less detailed, quarterly report when the couple moved to Moose Factory. Surprised at the jealousy he felt over Eli, Ray rarely returned the courtesy, preferring the anonymity of silence.

And now, with no warning, they had come face to face for the first time in ten years.

"I thought you were going to join me."

At the sound of his lover's voice, Ray twisted in his seat, smiling as Dan came towards him. Dressed in a thick white robe, Dan stepped between Ray's legs that were still propped on the windowsill. His eyes twinkled like a child in a toy store.

Dropping a hand onto Ray's right knee, he ran it up his thigh and Ray shifted his legs invitingly.

"What you been doing?" Dan asked, his voice hinting that he knew something was not quite right.

Ray shrugged and looked at Dan through lowered lashes. "Just sitting here."

"You OK?"

"Yeah, yeah ..." Ray's voice was a little higher than usual. " .... just thinking ...."

"Bout old times?"

Ray shrugged again. "Yeah ...." he let his voice trail off.

"Something to do with the Mountie?"

Ray's head jerked up to meet Dan's steady gaze, his own eyes wide with surprise.

"Give me some credit, Ray." Dan's eyes were tender. "You might be the detective in this family, but even I could see there's something between you two."

Ray could not speak for a moment, but when he did, his voice wavered with some unreadable emotion.

"Christ, Dan ..."

"Anything you want to talk about?" Dan tilted his head as he tried to assess Ray's mood. "Or should I just go fuck myself?"

A snort of laughter escaped Ray's lips and he reached for his lover, tugging him until Dan kneeled on the carpet between his legs.

"How did I get to be so fucking lucky to have you?"

Colouring slightly, Dan shrugged. "Goes both ways, babe."

Ray smiled tenderly and ruffled Dan's damp hair. "I gotta take a shower or we'll be late."

Dan made no move to let him up. "Ray, I'll listen if you want to talk."

Leaning forward, he kissed Dan firmly. "Later, babe. You don't want to keep these movie people waiting and I've got to get into my 'director's wife' outfit."

Dan sat back on his heels and let Ray go.


Much later that night after several pleasant hours spent over drinks with various movie people, the two men staggered into the rococo inspired lift and headed back to their room.

"Great night!" Dan said as the doors closed and the lift started to move.

Ray reached out and pulled his lover close, staring at their reflection in the mirrored lift walls. "The woman from HBO hit on me."

Dan laughed as he pressed his cheek to Ray's chest. "So what did you do?"

"Told her I was with you - she said she knew. I think she was hoping for a threesome."

Both men laughed, snuggling close until the elevator spat them out on their floor. They didn't speak for a moment until they were inside their room. Ray moved to the bedroom to take off the charcoal suit he had purchased for this occasion, his 'director's wife outfit', whilst Dan snacked on fruit from one of the baskets he had been sent.


"So the Mountie never came." Dan's voice floated from the sitting room to the bedroom.

Ray shrugged out of his Nehru jacket and reached for a hanger. "Didn't think he would."

"But you watched for him anyway," Dan stated, as he appeared suddenly in the doorway popping grapes into his mouth.

Ray grinned at Dan's cool observation, unbuttoning his pants and stepping out of them. "Yeah, I watched for him."

"Is it unfinished business?"

With pants in hand, Ray stopped and stared at Dan. "No, definitely not. It's way finished."

"Come on, Ray, don't make me drag it out of you. I just want to know if this is something I should be worried about."

Ray tossed the pants on the bed and moved closer. "Fuck, Dan, you got nothing to worry about." He clasped a hand to the back of Dan's neck and rested his forehead against his lover's. "It's just that me and Fraser, well, there's some ... history ..."

A look of relief spread across Dan's face as he pulled back to look at Ray.

"The first?"

Ray shrugged, his cheeks colouring slightly. "He wasn't the first guy, just the first in a while."

With the threat suddenly gone, Dan laughed and moved away, crossing the room to sit on the bed.

Ray followed, reaching for the pants he had abandoned, then hung them in the closet with their matching jacket.

"Remember I told you how I spent a year in the Yukon?"

Dan nodded, a smile splitting his face as he remembered what Ray had told him about that trip. "That was him? The sexual athlete? The one you reckoned had memorised the Gay Kama Sutra?"

Ray nodded, a shy smile on his face as he saw Dan's surprise. He pulled on a thick white bathrobe and joined his lover on the bed, leaning back against the plush, royal blue headboard.

Dan shook his head in wonder. "Wow, I can't believe that uptight guy is the one you told me about."

Ray nodded again and the two men erupted into gales of laughter. When the moment of frivolity passed, Dan regarded Ray with tender eyes.

"So was today the first time you've seen each other since you broke up?"

"Yeah. Ten years." Ray's eyes drifted off and he stared into the middle distance. "You know, Fraser had the same look on his face as he did the day I told him I was leaving."

Dan said nothing. He repositioned himself so he sat cross-legged beside Ray's outstretched legs and waited.

After a moment, the story began to flow.

"We'd gone into Tuk for supplies. We only went in every couple of weeks, so we had a lot to do. We were outside the supermarket and Fraser was going on about what we needed and how we should buy rice instead of pasta because it packed better, or some bullshit. I just lost it. I said, 'I can't do this, Fraser' and he just looked at me with his mouth hanging open. When he didn't say anything I said 'you're driving me fucking crazy' and then finally he said 'Oh. I see'. I wanted to hit him."

"So what happened?"

"I walked away. I went straight across the street to a travel agent and booked a flight to Chicago. Fraser just went on with the shopping. He came back to our hotel after he finished and I told him I was leaving the next day. He said he understood and then he just let me go."

"How did you feel?"

"It was over, I knew that. It's just that now I guess I feel bad for not trying harder. He was a good person, the best. He was a great cop, a great friend, a good guy all round. He's just not the right one for me - never was."

"It sounds like he was for a while, at least."

Ray nodded his agreement. "You know he said something today ... he said that we were what we needed to be for each other then."

"Sounds like a wise man."

A gentle smile tugged at Ray's mouth. "He would have liked to hear that. I never told him stuff like that. I should have."

Dan didn't speak, he just smiled in a way that made Ray's heart swell with love.

Looking at his hands, Ray spoke softly. "Fraser said that what we weren't back then is the way we are now."

Dan's warm hand slipped onto Ray's knee, squeezing slightly.

"You know, it's funny now that I'm with you I see the way I should have been with Fraser, but I couldn't know that until it was over with him and I met you. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah."

"I think Fraser knew a long time ago," Ray said, shaking his head at the incredulity of it. "He moved on. He lives with some Indian guy up in the hills in Canada. They've been together for seven years."

"And you?"

"I got you."

"Are you sure you got the best end of the deal?" Dan asked, a playful smile making his eyes shine impossibly bright. "I mean, the Mountie's a real stud - tall, dark, handsome and ... "

Ray cut him off. "And not you."

Dan's face changed suddenly and when he spoke his voice was low and serious. "But if you have any doubts ... "

Ray stopped him, lifting one hand to pull Dan close. "No doubts, babe. None at all. I knew that first night."

Dan's eyes widened and his voice was filled with awe. "You did? You never said."

"I'm saying now."

Dan leaned forward and covered Ray's mouth with his own, pressing him down onto the pillows and kissing him fiercely, the way Ray had that first night.

As he had that first night, Ray let Dan make sweet, tender love to him, then later, hold him while he cried for his memories.


Comments welcome at mullum@tig.com.au